The boss then runs back into the hallway and proceeds to give me my monthly "are you going to get everything finished? Great!" pep talk from the hallway.
At least he didn't try to beat the invisible monster to death with the baseball bat.
The boss then runs back into the hallway and proceeds to give me my monthly "are you going to get everything finished? Great!" pep talk from the hallway.
At least he didn't try to beat the invisible monster to death with the baseball bat.
Would have been a better ending, especially if a window got smashed.
Me and my buddy Patrick were disscussing our individual neighborhoods and I said " Well I live next to a Church so I mean for the most part I'm covered on robberies and such"
Patrick replied - There's a church in my neighborhood too I still almost get mugged daily.
Now before I go on something important -Patrick is black. We are good enough friends that I poke fun at his race and he does the same to me.
I said " Well yeah but it's a black person's church that doesn't count."
He laughed a bit too hard and pointed behind me.
Apparently the customer who had heard our conversation was not so forgiving of racial/religious humor.
That was a fun 5 minutes of stone cold silence.
King Riptor on
I have a podcast now. It's about video games and anime!Find it here.
Another couple from when I worked at a snackshop in a gas station:
Do I know you?
This was probably one of those "oh shit its happening" moments.
I'm working day shift (6am to 2pm) at the register with a high school kid as my assistant for the morning. Some time before noon, we get a couple of customers in the store paying for drinks and gas. A semi-regular customer comes in, we'll call him Marco (I actually don't know his name). He's one of those kind of homeless looking guys that has one of those gangster voices that sounds like he wants to kick ass or get his kicked. Looks hispanic and is about 5'8" Anyways, Marco comes in on foot from the park down the block and pays for a fountain drink.
At this moment, a new customer comes in. He has parked his station wagon with his fat wife and a little girl in tow. This guy is tall, about 6'2", white and I'd guess around 230 lbs. He comes in with his wife and kid going towards the drink section. For the sake of distinction, we'll call this guy Ray. They're over near the drink section doing their stuff. I'm attending some regular customers with gas and cigs and my helper is using the second register to take care of the Lotto people.
From afar, I see Marco and Ray talk:
Ray: "Hey there, whats up bro?"
Marco: "scuse me?!"
Ray: "I said 'whats up bro,' something wrong?"
Marco: "Do I know you?!" *puffs his chest*
Ray: "Wanna take it outside bro?"
Marco: "YEAH I WANNA TAKE IT OUTSIDE!"
Wife and kid: "Daddy where ya goin?"
At this point I'm like...uh no they're not. They both step out onto the walkway in front of the store and talk shit. Then Ray throws a fierce punch and pushes Marco into the plexiglass wall. The fight pretty much involves Ray slamming this guy repeatedly into the plexiglass with Marco flailing and trying to kick Ray. My assistant is shocked but I tell him to call 911 in case this drags on. Eventually Ray's wife pulls him into the car (having paid me $20 for a $3 drink) and they drive off.
Marco comes in with a swollen eye and blood on the side of his ear. He walks up to me and asks "hey did I pay for my drink" and I say yes. Picks up his drink, goes outside and picks out some ice cubes. He grabs a bunch and puts them in the shirt he was carrying and now has a makeshift eye pack. We tell the COPs not to come after that. But poor Marco just staggered all the way back home.
====================
They're doing what in there?!
The owner of the gas station also owned one in the sister community in the hills, about 2 miles up from the main one. I was working at the larger one with a co-worker and we're about ready to close the doors and go home (10pm). We weren't busy so I was talking to a homie who was working at the other station on the phone. He was telling me about how this one high school up there was having some big grad party with tons of chicks in tight tank-tops and they all came in to use the restroom. He had talked to them and found out that they had been drinking and were planning on going to a rave to celebrate.
Since it is almost 10pm, our graveyard shift person came in to start her counts. Not the best looking of chicks but she was a nice girl and we would joke around. So I mention the story to her and she laughs a bit. As we're doing our counts, 4 sunburned, blonde chicks walk in. One comes up and pays for gas and asks for some cigs. I ask for ID and she checks out. Two of the other girls ask to use the restroom and they go on. The gy shift girl goes to the restroom as well to change into her uniform. I finish my counts and close the door and am working through the window.
At that point, the gy shift girl comes back out and say "Ari, the stoner chicks are making out in the restroom, I think." I walk in the hallway and I hear crying and screaming. I tell her to open the door and see if they need help. My co-worker goes in (being a girl and all) and sees what she can do. It ends up that one girl starts to puke hardcore and that sends the second girl to go on a weird mind trip and she starts to freak out. I didn't want to call the COPs so I ask their other friends outside if they would mind to take their friends back. The other girls come in and carry puking girl away and bad-trip girl walks behind them. As I close the door, bad-trip girl looks back and say "thanks for everything you did" and flashes me her non-tits.
Last night I dreamed that an attractive girl was asleep on my couch with the TV on. She was a strawberry blond with freckles and a petite build. Battlestar Galactica was coming on soon so to spare her the noise, I picked her up and carried her to my room. After I placed her on the bed, she woke up and started acting disoriented. When I looked at my watch to see if Battlestar Galactica was on yet, she accused me of expecting my spouse to come home soon and that was the reason I moved her into my bedroom.
She then grabbed a hammer and charged me. After I was finally able to wrestle her down, my father saw me and thought I was attacking her. So he pulled me off her during which she seized the opportunity and cracked him in the head with the claw end. My kid brother and I proceeded to grab some javelins and stab her in the neck. This was quite possibly the most horrifying dream I've had since I was forced to eat a flock of lambsters (lambs the size of hamsters).
Last night I dreamed that an attractive girl was asleep on my couch with the TV on. She was a strawberry blond with freckles and a petite build. Battlestar Galactica was coming on soon so to spare her the noise, I picked her up and carried her to my room. After I placed her on the bed, she woke up and started acting disoriented. When I looked at my watch to see if Battlestar Galactica was on yet, she accused me of expecting my spouse to come home soon and that was the reason I moved her into my bedroom.
She then grabbed a hammer and charged me. After I was finally able to wrestle her down, my father saw me and thought I was attacking her. So he pulled me off her during which she seized the opportunity and cracked him in the head with the claw end. My kid brother and I proceeded to grab some javelins and stab her in the neck. This was quite possibly the most horrifying dream I've had since I was forced to eat a flock of lambsters (lambs the size of hamsters).
Well, now I'm terrified.
And I want a lambster for a pet.
Not even going to go into speculation as to what could cause that dream, although I guess maybe if you've been eating old pizza, pickles and icecream that could explain it.
Last night I dreamed that an attractive girl was asleep on my couch with the TV on. She was a strawberry blond with freckles and a petite build. Battlestar Galactica was coming on soon so to spare her the noise, I picked her up and carried her to my room. After I placed her on the bed, she woke up and started acting disoriented. When I looked at my watch to see if Battlestar Galactica was on yet, she accused me of expecting my spouse to come home soon and that was the reason I moved her into my bedroom.
She then grabbed a hammer and charged me. After I was finally able to wrestle her down, my father saw me and thought I was attacking her. So he pulled me off her during which she seized the opportunity and cracked him in the head with the claw end. My kid brother and I proceeded to grab some javelins and stab her in the neck. This was quite possibly the most horrifying dream I've had since I was forced to eat a flock of lambsters (lambs the size of hamsters).
Last night I dreamed that an attractive girl was asleep on my couch with the TV on. She was a strawberry blond with freckles and a petite build. Battlestar Galactica was coming on soon so to spare her the noise, I picked her up and carried her to my room. After I placed her on the bed, she woke up and started acting disoriented. When I looked at my watch to see if Battlestar Galactica was on yet, she accused me of expecting my spouse to come home soon and that was the reason I moved her into my bedroom.
She then grabbed a hammer and charged me. After I was finally able to wrestle her down, my father saw me and thought I was attacking her. So he pulled me off her during which she seized the opportunity and cracked him in the head with the claw end. My kid brother and I proceeded to grab some javelins and stab her in the neck. This was quite possibly the most horrifying dream I've had since I was forced to eat a flock of lambsters (lambs the size of hamsters).
So my brother just got a new radio for his car. This thing plays MP3s, has a USB port so you can plug a hard drive in, etc, etc. So he gave me his entire CD collection. So I decide to take a bunch of those CDs into work to help pass the day. Normally I use pandora but IT has been throttling my bandwidth so it gets kinda annoying after a while. So I am listening to a CD, its the norm our standard video game soundtrack stuff. My boss walks in and starts talking to me. Media Player goes to the next song. The first thing you hear is: DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE! DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE! Turns out he had also put NWA on this CD....So I scramble for the mute button. Too late the damage was done...talk about your awkward silences...
The following day I decided to try another CD. I had first screened it make sure there was no more NWA or the like. So someone was in my office, we were talking yada yada yada. Then mid-song the song transitions from your standard techno type beat to really horrible J-Pop. I mean horrible, broken english galore. So now I'm under the impression that everyone at work either thinks that I am
A: a gangster or B: a gay Japanese guy.
I was using headphones for a while, but I horrible time with them because they would make my ears itch something fierce. Since my coworker left (we shared an office), I thought why bother with these stupid headphones? Never thought I would get an answer to that question....
This was quite possibly the most horrifying dream I've had since I was forced to eat a flock of lambsters (lambs the size of hamsters).
Now this is odd. I've had a dream where I was eating hamster-sized lambs as well. ALthough I kept choking on their intestines, getting them stuck in my throat.
Turns out my throat was REALLY fucking dry. Woke me up eventually.
Christmas Day. Wearing my new For The Horde hooded sweatshirt. Sitting around the table in the kitchen, all my aunts/uncles/cousins talking it up. I take a drink of Dr. Pepper and it goes down the wrong pipe. I immediately go into "OMG, I'm going to cough with a mouth full of soda" panic. I cover my mouth to start and attempt to let the coughing occur through the nose. The first cough doesn't break the seal of my lips, air escaping through the nostrils. The second cough, on the other hand, had quite different results. I sprayed Dr. Pepper into my hands, which provided a barrier for the table immediately in front of me, but ricocheted the liquid in all directions perpendicular to forward. On to my new hoodie. On to the people sitting to my right and left. And straight up in the air, settling on my face/hair.
The thing is, no one was actually looking at me when it happened. They all heard the noise (strange in itself) and looked over in time to see everything within 3 feet covered in a fine Dr. Pepper mist, prompting a lot of "what the hell just happened!?" questions. I just laughed and got some paper towels.
Christmas Day. Wearing my new For The Horde hooded sweatshirt. Sitting around the table in the kitchen, all my aunts/uncles/cousins talking it up. I take a drink of Dr. Pepper and it goes down the wrong pipe. I immediately go into "OMG, I'm going to cough with a mouth full of soda" panic. I cover my mouth to start and attempt to let the coughing occur through the nose. The first cough doesn't break the seal of my lips, air escaping through the nostrils. The second cough, on the other hand, had quite different results. I sprayed Dr. Pepper into my hands, which provided a barrier for the table immediately in front of me, but ricocheted the liquid in all directions perpendicular to forward. On to my new hoodie. On to the people sitting to my right and left. And straight up in the air, settling on my face/hair.
The thing is, no one was actually looking at me when it happened. They all heard the noise (strange in itself) and looked over in time to see everything within 3 feet covered in a fine Dr. Pepper mist, prompting a lot of "what the hell just happened!?" questions. I just laughed and got some paper towels.
I would read this but I'm entranced by your avatar.
I don't blame you. Took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to make it look that smooth. The time flew right by though, since it was spent staring into those gorgeous receptionist's eyes.
I don't blame you. Took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to make it look that smooth. The time flew right by though, since it was spent staring into those gorgeous receptionist's eyes.
Oh I'm glad I'm not the only one.
It's the only reason I was convinced to see Walk Hard.
I don't blame you. Took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to make it look that smooth. The time flew right by though, since it was spent staring into those gorgeous receptionist's eyes.
Oh I'm glad I'm not the only one.
It's the only reason I was convinced to see Walk Hard.
It's mezmerizing.
Also, I admit it, I always thought it was "Jo-tate".
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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Toxic ToysAre you really taking my advice?Really?Registered Userregular
edited December 2007
Last year, my wife's friends came ove. We all did a little drinking.
I guess I blacked out because the next morning my wife told me that I told all of her friends but one how I would titie fuck them. In graphic detail.
Toxic Toys on
3DS code: 2938-6074-2306, Nintendo Network ID: ToxicToys, PSN: zutto
so I was really high and walking out of a gas station. and I see my friend courtney sitting in a parked car in front of the gas station. I was looking for more weed and generally she knows where I can get some so I walk up to the car and ask. she doesn't, but I feel it necessary to bring up the quality of the last bag i got from a friend of hers. I say without thinking "it was horrible. total n***** weed". yeah, she's black. I can imagine I looked like a frightened deer in headlights after it dawned on me a second later what I had said.
I still have't been able to shake the feeling that I am a complete jackass. maybe that's because I am.
so I was really high and walking out of a gas station. and I see my friend courtney sitting in a parked car in front of the gas station. I was looking for more weed and generally she knows where I can get some so I walk up to the car and ask. she doesn't, but I feel it necessary to bring up the quality of the last bag i got from a friend of hers. I say without thinking "it was horrible. total n****r weed". yeah, she's black. I can imagine I looked like a frightened deer in headlights after it dawned on me a second later what I had said.
I still have't been able to shake the feeling that I am a complete jackass. maybe that's because I am.
Yeah, sometimes I catch myself saying utterly awful things in my head, but thankfully I speak slowly enough that I can cut myself off before I actually say tham
Corlis on
But I don't mind, as long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine,
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
Posts
At least he didn't try to beat the invisible monster to death with the baseball bat.
Would have been a better ending, especially if a window got smashed.
Patrick replied - There's a church in my neighborhood too I still almost get mugged daily.
Now before I go on something important -Patrick is black. We are good enough friends that I poke fun at his race and he does the same to me.
I said " Well yeah but it's a black person's church that doesn't count."
He laughed a bit too hard and pointed behind me.
Apparently the customer who had heard our conversation was not so forgiving of racial/religious humor.
That was a fun 5 minutes of stone cold silence.
Do I know you?
This was probably one of those "oh shit its happening" moments.
I'm working day shift (6am to 2pm) at the register with a high school kid as my assistant for the morning. Some time before noon, we get a couple of customers in the store paying for drinks and gas. A semi-regular customer comes in, we'll call him Marco (I actually don't know his name). He's one of those kind of homeless looking guys that has one of those gangster voices that sounds like he wants to kick ass or get his kicked. Looks hispanic and is about 5'8" Anyways, Marco comes in on foot from the park down the block and pays for a fountain drink.
At this moment, a new customer comes in. He has parked his station wagon with his fat wife and a little girl in tow. This guy is tall, about 6'2", white and I'd guess around 230 lbs. He comes in with his wife and kid going towards the drink section. For the sake of distinction, we'll call this guy Ray. They're over near the drink section doing their stuff. I'm attending some regular customers with gas and cigs and my helper is using the second register to take care of the Lotto people.
From afar, I see Marco and Ray talk:
Ray: "Hey there, whats up bro?"
Marco: "scuse me?!"
Ray: "I said 'whats up bro,' something wrong?"
Marco: "Do I know you?!" *puffs his chest*
Ray: "Wanna take it outside bro?"
Marco: "YEAH I WANNA TAKE IT OUTSIDE!"
Wife and kid: "Daddy where ya goin?"
At this point I'm like...uh no they're not. They both step out onto the walkway in front of the store and talk shit. Then Ray throws a fierce punch and pushes Marco into the plexiglass wall. The fight pretty much involves Ray slamming this guy repeatedly into the plexiglass with Marco flailing and trying to kick Ray. My assistant is shocked but I tell him to call 911 in case this drags on. Eventually Ray's wife pulls him into the car (having paid me $20 for a $3 drink) and they drive off.
Marco comes in with a swollen eye and blood on the side of his ear. He walks up to me and asks "hey did I pay for my drink" and I say yes. Picks up his drink, goes outside and picks out some ice cubes. He grabs a bunch and puts them in the shirt he was carrying and now has a makeshift eye pack. We tell the COPs not to come after that. But poor Marco just staggered all the way back home.
====================
They're doing what in there?!
The owner of the gas station also owned one in the sister community in the hills, about 2 miles up from the main one. I was working at the larger one with a co-worker and we're about ready to close the doors and go home (10pm). We weren't busy so I was talking to a homie who was working at the other station on the phone. He was telling me about how this one high school up there was having some big grad party with tons of chicks in tight tank-tops and they all came in to use the restroom. He had talked to them and found out that they had been drinking and were planning on going to a rave to celebrate.
Since it is almost 10pm, our graveyard shift person came in to start her counts. Not the best looking of chicks but she was a nice girl and we would joke around. So I mention the story to her and she laughs a bit. As we're doing our counts, 4 sunburned, blonde chicks walk in. One comes up and pays for gas and asks for some cigs. I ask for ID and she checks out. Two of the other girls ask to use the restroom and they go on. The gy shift girl goes to the restroom as well to change into her uniform. I finish my counts and close the door and am working through the window.
At that point, the gy shift girl comes back out and say "Ari, the stoner chicks are making out in the restroom, I think." I walk in the hallway and I hear crying and screaming. I tell her to open the door and see if they need help. My co-worker goes in (being a girl and all) and sees what she can do. It ends up that one girl starts to puke hardcore and that sends the second girl to go on a weird mind trip and she starts to freak out. I didn't want to call the COPs so I ask their other friends outside if they would mind to take their friends back. The other girls come in and carry puking girl away and bad-trip girl walks behind them. As I close the door, bad-trip girl looks back and say "thanks for everything you did" and flashes me her non-tits.
Just another night.
Why are you capitalizing this word?
She then grabbed a hammer and charged me. After I was finally able to wrestle her down, my father saw me and thought I was attacking her. So he pulled me off her during which she seized the opportunity and cracked him in the head with the claw end. My kid brother and I proceeded to grab some javelins and stab her in the neck. This was quite possibly the most horrifying dream I've had since I was forced to eat a flock of lambsters (lambs the size of hamsters).
He thinks it's an acronym. It isn't.
Well, now I'm terrified.
And I want a lambster for a pet.
Not even going to go into speculation as to what could cause that dream, although I guess maybe if you've been eating old pizza, pickles and icecream that could explain it.
Citizens On Patrol
C.O.P.S?
edit: better link
The following day I decided to try another CD. I had first screened it make sure there was no more NWA or the like. So someone was in my office, we were talking yada yada yada. Then mid-song the song transitions from your standard techno type beat to really horrible J-Pop. I mean horrible, broken english galore. So now I'm under the impression that everyone at work either thinks that I am
A: a gangster or B: a gay Japanese guy.
At first I thought that was a picture of one of those shower heads with a hose that you can move around.
Like, one used for female masturbation.
Shows where my mind is.
Hey... I resent that
Brother of Brando, the gay japanese gangster, I presume. We've heard so much about you.
And by a lot, I mean just your horrible taste in music.
And by heard, I mean read.
And by brother, I mean incestual japanese ganster.
Strange and embarrassing forum moments regarding homosexual yakuza
Me too.
They sound delicious.
You know that pretty much everyone in France uses those? And they shower sitting down?
Freaked the hell out of me, weirdos :P
Now this is odd. I've had a dream where I was eating hamster-sized lambs as well. ALthough I kept choking on their intestines, getting them stuck in my throat.
Turns out my throat was REALLY fucking dry. Woke me up eventually.
Lies and slander
The thing is, no one was actually looking at me when it happened. They all heard the noise (strange in itself) and looked over in time to see everything within 3 feet covered in a fine Dr. Pepper mist, prompting a lot of "what the hell just happened!?" questions. I just laughed and got some paper towels.
I would read this but I'm entranced by your avatar.
It's the only reason I was convinced to see Walk Hard.
It's mezmerizing.
Also, I admit it, I always thought it was "Jo-tate".
I guess I blacked out because the next morning my wife told me that I told all of her friends but one how I would titie fuck them. In graphic detail.
Toxic, all your stories are great.
At that point it moves past "a little drinking".
Unless the lilttle you drank was rubbing alcohol.
and that's what I embarrased about. She's the hottest, but has not tits.
And I told her she had no tits.
Or should that be, alcohol will set the truth free?
In vino veritas.
Drink up!
I still have't been able to shake the feeling that I am a complete jackass. maybe that's because I am.
Yeah, sometimes I catch myself saying utterly awful things in my head, but thankfully I speak slowly enough that I can cut myself off before I actually say tham
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.