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Hexmage-PA
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
About 4 months ago I went on a date with a woman that I thought went very well. We had a good time together and she said she wanted to see me again. I hoped this was the start of something special.
Well, we've been texting every day since then, and she's told me she likes me and sends photos often, but we've barely seen each other in person. Maybe about eight times total, and half of those for only two or three hours. She lives forty minutes away, she's often busy with either work or looking after her brother's kids, and she lives with her parents (and seems almost cold towards me when I've been around them). She doesn't go to the movies because being in a theater provokes her anxiety, and she sometimes has depressive episodes where she doesn't want to do anything. I can't even talk to her on the phone often because she has very bad reception at her house. I've offered to come to her place and take her out around where she lives, meet her halfway, and even pick her up at her place, bring her to my place, and take her back later. I try to compare schedules with her, but she isn't cooperating and never tells me when she's free. I'd assume she doesn't really like me, but she just sent me an unsolicited good night message while I was typing this.
I don't want to break up with someone over mental health issues they can't control, especially when I myself had a number of severe anxiety episodes last year and was disappointed by the lack of support I received, but I would like for us to at least be able to spend enough time together to see if we're right for each other. Honestly I think if it weren't for my fear that she might harm herself I'd have already broken up with her. I want to give it a chance, but I also don't want to drag this out if we're not even going to see each other in person enough to know if we could ever develop feelings for one another.
Friends, family, and co-workers keep asking me what my girlfriend and I have been up to, if I'm going to visit her on my days off, etc. My mother asked me today if I thought my girlfriend even liked me.
Thoughts?
Well, we've been texting every day since then, and she's told me she likes me and sends photos often, but we've barely seen each other in person. Maybe about eight times total, and half of those for only two or three hours. She lives forty minutes away, she's often busy with either work or looking after her brother's kids, and she lives with her parents (and seems almost cold towards me when I've been around them). She doesn't go to the movies because being in a theater provokes her anxiety, and she sometimes has depressive episodes where she doesn't want to do anything. I can't even talk to her on the phone often because she has very bad reception at her house. I've offered to come to her place and take her out around where she lives, meet her halfway, and even pick her up at her place, bring her to my place, and take her back later. I try to compare schedules with her, but she isn't cooperating and never tells me when she's free. I'd assume she doesn't really like me, but she just sent me an unsolicited good night message while I was typing this.
I don't want to break up with someone over mental health issues they can't control, especially when I myself had a number of severe anxiety episodes last year and was disappointed by the lack of support I received, but I would like for us to at least be able to spend enough time together to see if we're right for each other. Honestly I think if it weren't for my fear that she might harm herself I'd have already broken up with her. I want to give it a chance, but I also don't want to drag this out if we're not even going to see each other in person enough to know if we could ever develop feelings for one another.
Friends, family, and co-workers keep asking me what my girlfriend and I have been up to, if I'm going to visit her on my days off, etc. My mother asked me today if I thought my girlfriend even liked me.
Thoughts?
Hexmage-PA on
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Where you go from here depends on a couple of things:
- Have you asked her about how little you see each other and seen what she says about it? If you do ask her this question, remember that it can sound like an accusation even if it is not intended that way, and try to word it in a way that doesn't imply pressure on her to behave in any way that she is not comfortable with.
- Supposing she said that things would have to continue on like this for, let's say, the next year, would that be acceptable to you?
There's also alternate ways you can see each other if you're willing... would she/her family be OK with you helping her watch her brother's kids? Would you be OK with that? What about going to her house and watching TV in her room? Some of us need to be in a very comfortable place (like our own homes/our own rooms) in order to have the energy necessary to socialize. Even if there's no one else there but you two, going to your place represents added energy she has to put into that date that she may not have available.
It's also possible that she really just isn't that in to you, which is why talking to her about it is a very good idea. But again it all depends on how you feel about the relationship and whether you actually want to put this effort in or not. I don't think there's anything wrong with breaking up with someone for the reasons you mention, if that's what you want to do; wanting to break up with someone is enough of a reason to do so, you don't have to "feel guilty" because it may involve her mental health.
It's only been a few months though. If you aren't feeling it for whatever reason, it's okay to call it now.
Depending on how you do relationships there are a lot of ways to ensure your well-being while still spending some time together. Exes can make amazing friends, and sometimes backing off will let people develop their feelings, especially since living with your folks can seriously mess with your freedom to relax and express yourself.
Talking is definitely good. Consider your needs and wants and share them - not as a request, or demand, but to compare with hers.
This isn't about them having depression or anxiety, it's about whether or not the relationship is making you happy and providing what you want from it. If you care enough about them that you still want to support them, as you suggested in your OP when you said you had a similar experience and were upset with the lack of support you received, you can do that as a friend if they are open to that.
Edit: I'm probably going to sound like a jerk, but this statement concerns me:
my read on this is she's either being polite by maintaining texts but no other contact and using her depression as an excuse
or she has depression so extreme she should probably obtain serious professional help before entering into a relationship
my armchair opinion is either way you've got cause to move on
Whichever one it is, this relationship is over already. This girl either needs a doctor who can help her stay alive (if you're right), or a boyfriend who doesn't project codependence on her (if you're wrong), and you are sadly neither of those.
That's just in addition to what other people are saying re: harming herself... You can NOT stop someone from harming themselves if they wanted to, and what... are you going to just wait it out for 60 years as the only thing she has to live for?
At 4 months, with no serious dating going on (just texts and occasional dates)it would be very unusual for a person into online dating to be exclusive.
I'd peace out. The main issue here is "Never tells me when she's free".
People get busy, but if they like each other they both make an effort to try and see each other.
Seconding this. I understand wanting to help someone because you didn't get support when you needed it and you want to spare them that, but toxic relationship dynamics aside, you're not in a good position to do that for her. You barely talk; you barely know each other. If she's not comfortable even seeing you in person, then she's probably not going to be comfortable leaning on you for (healthy) support, either.
Frankly, the way you talk about her mental health re: your relationship sounds like it's more about you than about her - that is, your wanting to stay with her through her depression is a way of trying to address what happened to you. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm familiar with the impulse to help other people because I can't do anything for my younger self, and that's how it reads to me.
I meant they have a serious long-term relationship they aren't disclosing. Lives with her parents probably means that is not the case. But not being able to talk on the phone and meeting very sporadically is usually a tip-off.
You're probably not. This is how she conducts herself. You don't like it. If you've already mentioned this, and nothing changed, you have all the data you need: You don't like it.
If you want more advice for the advice throne on that aspect; have at it:
[Old alert, I've been married for some time. The sell by date is 2010]
Oh, sorry.
Rule of thumb: At four months in, if you feel like you're "trying," and you feel like they're not, odds are you're not compatible. There are caveats, maybe she's in jail, maybe she's seeing someone else, but if it's not working for you, it's not working for you.
If that happens, bring it up, say you'd like to see more them. If they care, they will, or if they can't due to external factors, they will disclose. If those factors or their level of interest doesn't work for you, then you're bad fit.
If it works out, you'll have your whole life to crawl over broken glass to make them smile. For now, be a little selfish. Worry if she works for you, and she will worrying if you work for her. If you both concur, then turn your exclusivity keys and go from there.
Much more importantly:
Spool's framing of the the non is solid. But I want to address the bolded.
Your empathy is commendable, and your projection understandable. But are you sure that you're in a position to be the person that you wanted, in her mind, for her?
Go back to that shitty time, reverse your relationship dynamic. There's some cute girl an hour away who's making every effort to see you; you don't even have to leave your house, or interact with anyone but her.
If she's your primary support: do you decline as much as she does? Do you offer no more solutions that would work for you?
If no, let yourself off the hook here.
(If yes, still let yourself off the hook, because Spool Post)
So I guess I had drastically misread the situation. She had told me she's cut before and attempted suicide more than once, so I was afraid to trigger anything. Turns out her family had actually been pressuring her into not breaking up with me even as she was increasingly coming to think that, although she thought I was a very nice person, we really had very little in common.
The weird thing is, despite us both apparently feeling like the relationship wasn't going to work out, we were both tearing up over breaking up (honestly I think it was harder for me for some reason).
I at least feel glad that of the two girlfriends I've had both breakups ended with the two of us sad it didn't work out, as opposed to angry with one another.
Thank you.
However, now you can move on to better things.