Yeah we're still figuring it out. Still! Very neat and we're excited.
Speaking of: the first thing of substance I said about "the animator":
So I just had an extremely pleasant evening eating, drinking, watching the sun set on the balcony, talking while hummingbirds buzzed around, and then retiring inside to watch a majority of To Catch a Thief and argue about whether Cary Grant was wearing a turtleneck, a scarf, or an ascot (it was an ascot but weirdly tight) before being pleasantly interrupted by kisses. We're going to see each other again this weekend or possibly for another movie night next week. She is so so cute, it is ridiculous.
I didn't have a wedding planner, that said, we picked vendors that were either recommended to us by friends or I had a personal connection with. Our photographer was a friend from college and our officiant was muti-tasking as a groomsman. Our venue was so convenient, they provided hotel arrangements for those that wanted to stay on site, did all the setup and cleanup as well as providing the food and wait staff. I always had a drink in my hand (provided by wait staff) and didn't have to lift a finger the day of the wedding. It was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.
Bonuses - being the bride, I got free drinks at the bar all day and night even before and after the event. We got a free room for the night and we have tons of rewards points to use towards their restaurant since we had the dress rehearsal dinner and wedding there. It's been almost a year and we still haven't used up all our rewards.
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KoopahTroopahThe koopas, the troopas.Philadelphia, PARegistered Userregular
I got two matches last night, one in OKC and one in Tinder. They both seem cool, but I will share if they progress into anything beyond initial conversations.
Tinder girl unmatched me after a week, I guess we were getting too personal instead of just hooking up? *shrug*
OKC girl and I have been talking off and on since we matched, and we have a dinner date on Friday at a local cafe! :biggrin:
I got two matches last night, one in OKC and one in Tinder. They both seem cool, but I will share if they progress into anything beyond initial conversations.
OKC girl and I have been talking off and on since we matched, and we have a dinner date on Friday at a local cafe! :biggrin:
Date went well! We went to a local cafe that was covered in dog paintings and dog decor, it was super cute. She was very nice, kind of awkward but I guess I am too so it fits. We get along very well and we were able to keep a conversation going after we both got drinks and we lowered our defenses a bit. Just casual conversations and topics, nothing sexy yet because I like her and I didn't want to overstep any lines since it was our first meeting. We exchanged numbers and are scheduling a date two already! Yay!
thatassemblyguyJanitor of Technical Debt.Registered Userregular
Started back up my online dating presence. Trying out Bumble and Tinder. Focusing on Bumble mostly.
Initial thoughts: Bumble's time-limit definitely feels scammy because they're charging money to extend conversations, or re-open timed-out conversations.
The 24-hour clock is basically the kicker for me on that. The nature of internet dating: where someone is currently interacting with someone, and it takes the first date to realize that they weren't going to be a good fit for each other, basically guarantees that there will be conversations that are dropped. If the timer was like 1 week or maybe 72 hours, that would seem very reasonable, and make the $ for time transaction feel less scammy to me.
Started back up my online dating presence. Trying out Bumble and Tinder. Focusing on Bumble mostly.
Initial thoughts: Bumble's time-limit definitely feels scammy because they're charging money to extend conversations, or re-open timed-out conversations.
The 24-hour clock is basically the kicker for me on that. The nature of internet dating: where someone is currently interacting with someone, and it takes the first date to realize that they weren't going to be a good fit for each other, basically guarantees that there will be conversations that are dropped. If the timer was like 1 week or maybe 72 hours, that would seem very reasonable, and make the $ for time transaction feel less scammy to me.
I think the timer forces users to feel compelled to write, which i find to be a good thing. You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
Started back up my online dating presence. Trying out Bumble and Tinder. Focusing on Bumble mostly.
Initial thoughts: Bumble's time-limit definitely feels scammy because they're charging money to extend conversations, or re-open timed-out conversations.
The 24-hour clock is basically the kicker for me on that. The nature of internet dating: where someone is currently interacting with someone, and it takes the first date to realize that they weren't going to be a good fit for each other, basically guarantees that there will be conversations that are dropped. If the timer was like 1 week or maybe 72 hours, that would seem very reasonable, and make the $ for time transaction feel less scammy to me.
I think the timer forces users to feel compelled to write, which i find to be a good thing. You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
Started back up my online dating presence. Trying out Bumble and Tinder. Focusing on Bumble mostly.
Initial thoughts: Bumble's time-limit definitely feels scammy because they're charging money to extend conversations, or re-open timed-out conversations.
The 24-hour clock is basically the kicker for me on that. The nature of internet dating: where someone is currently interacting with someone, and it takes the first date to realize that they weren't going to be a good fit for each other, basically guarantees that there will be conversations that are dropped. If the timer was like 1 week or maybe 72 hours, that would seem very reasonable, and make the $ for time transaction feel less scammy to me.
I think the timer forces users to feel compelled to write, which i find to be a good thing. You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
So there's likely a fairly common case where person-A swiped right on person-B, but person-B wasn't swiping at the time (or due to the paid-for algorithm person-A's profile didn't show up for a while). Person-A found themselves in a conversation and/or setup a date with person-C, however, now person-B sees person-A's profile and swipes right; starting the timer. Now, person-A has to make a choice, depending on their dating habits: defocus from person-C and spend mental energy getting to know person-B, or let the conversation lock due to a fairly short timer.
At a certain point, everyone reaches their natural limit of conversations they're comfortable having/juggling, and then potential good matches/conversations are eaten by the timer... unless that person pays up some cash. It's a built in microtransaction that isn't as easily ignored as the, "WHO LIKES YOU RIGHT NOW?!!!!!" payment upgrades that are default to every dating app.
edit: I forgot to bring this back to my main point. They can still have a timer, but making it 3-5 days, to accommodate for common life/dating events, still helps with the urgency, but also backs off the scammy quotient quite a bit.
You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
From what I've seen in the app, I don't believe this is true? I have a match/conversation that is still locked, and the app is suggesting the only way I can unlock it is by paying money.
After the first message and first response the timer goes away and the conversation becomes permanent.
I'm detecting this as the solution most users are going with, and it is creating a very interesting side-effect: an initial flurry of a couple messages, and then an awkard gap, with an attempt to re-connect the conversation a handful of days later, if a date plans weren't made concrete. It's so weird.
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daveNYCWhy universe hate Waspinator?Registered Userregular
What's everyone's opinion of the effectiveness of things like Tinder's boost feature?
Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it!
edit: I forgot to bring this back to my main point. They can still have a timer, but making it 3-5 days, to accommodate for common life/dating events, still helps with the urgency, but also backs off the scammy quotient quite a bit.
You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
From what I've seen in the app, I don't believe this is true? I have a match/conversation that is still locked, and the app is suggesting the only way I can unlock it is by paying money.
Sorry, I messed up your quotes.
I know it to be true that you can re-match; because I have. It does not happen often.
It's one message within 24 hours. This isn't some huge initial buy-in to the relationship right off the bat. If you can't manage to take five minutes to write a couple sentences within 24 hours of matching the person then you probably aren't interested in them or in a relationship in general.
I got two matches last night, one in OKC and one in Tinder. They both seem cool, but I will share if they progress into anything beyond initial conversations.
OKC girl and I have been talking off and on since we matched, and we have a dinner date on Friday at a local cafe! :biggrin:
Date went well! We went to a local cafe that was covered in dog paintings and dog decor, it was super cute. She was very nice, kind of awkward but I guess I am too so it fits. We get along very well and we were able to keep a conversation going after we both got drinks and we lowered our defenses a bit. Just casual conversations and topics, nothing sexy yet because I like her and I didn't want to overstep any lines since it was our first meeting. We exchanged numbers and are scheduling a date two already! Yay!
We've been chatting a little less this week because we've been busy, but we have our second date tonight at a brewery pub. I invited her over to play Spider-Man but she kinda shrugged it off. Probably thought I was using it as a 'Netflix and chill' innuendo, but really I was just offering to play Spider-Man after our date :razz: . That's what I plan on doing anyways if the date ends at the pub.
Had a 3rd date on Friday. She actually initiated our first kiss. We have two dates scheduled next week.
She's stunningly attractive, really smart and cultured, we have lots of the same interests, but different tastes, so we're not just mirror images of each other.
We met on Bumble, and I almost didn't respond to her message; I was getting pretty burned out with internet dating and was about to take a break. I'm really, really glad I responded.
Well we've been seeing each other 2-3 times a week since this post. She's told her family about me, and I've told my family about her. Our next step is introducing our dogs. We're planning a 5-day trip at the end of September.
For the first time since 2010 I have a girlfriend! (yikes it's been a long time...)
So I just saw this in the comments of an article and am curious about others' opinions on it.
This isn't serious advice, right? I don't really plan to ever ask someone out like this because I don't feel like the odds are that good that a random woman I see out and about will be someone with the personality traits I value, but I'm pretty sure people still start relationships offline.
So I just saw this and am curious about others' opinions on it.
This isn't serious advice, right? I don't really plan to ever ask someone out like this because I don't feel like the odds are that good that a random woman I see out and about will be someone with the personality traits I value, but I'm pretty sure people still start relationships offline.
Hopefully not serious. But social context does matter. There are a lot of places where people are there to do something and not socialize or are in the middle of something that they would prefer to do and not socialize.
At the gym and someone is working out on weights or a machine? Probably not a great time to approach them.
At the grocery store? You might be able to make a quick comment (eg if someone has a funny shirt I might comment on it if I like it) but don't expect a conversation even if they might be open to one elsewhere.
At a dance venue? It would be really, really weird if people weren't approaching each other to ask to dance.
So I just saw this in the comments of an article and am curious about others' opinions on it.
This isn't serious advice, right? I don't really plan to ever ask someone out like this because I don't feel like the odds are that good that a random woman I see out and about will be someone with the personality traits I value, but I'm pretty sure people still start relationships offline.
That's protesting too much. There's a lot of grey between, "UGH, guys NEVER stop creeping on me!" and "UGH, how come no one EVER talks to me!"
The most important thing is just being conscious of A: not interrupting them in the middle of something, and B: having something nice to say.
Occasionally I chat up different girls at the gym between sets, particularly if I see them doing something interesting or new. And I usually lead with a combination of, "Is that some kind of sports training?" or "I've never seen that exercise, what are you using it for."
Usually the conversation ends in smiles at the least, so use that as it suits you.
So I just saw this and am curious about others' opinions on it.
This isn't serious advice, right? I don't really plan to ever ask someone out like this because I don't feel like the odds are that good that a random woman I see out and about will be someone with the personality traits I value, but I'm pretty sure people still start relationships offline.
Hopefully not serious. But social context does matter. There are a lot of places where people are there to do something and not socialize or are in the middle of something that they would prefer to do and not socialize.
At the gym and someone is working out on weights or a machine? Probably not a great time to approach them.
At the grocery store? You might be able to make a quick comment (eg if someone has a funny shirt I might comment on it if I like it) but don't expect a conversation even if they might be open to one elsewhere.
At a dance venue? It would be really, really weird if people weren't approaching each other to ask to dance.
Personally I think I have the problem of being too hesitant to approach people in general. I can't recall someone coming up to me in a store or something just to comment on what I'm looking at (aside from salespeople, that is) so the thought of going up to a stranger and trying to strike up a conversation out of nowhere feels weird.
Come to think of it, my (female) cousin recently told me she thought I should stop looking on Tinder and PoF and instead just try to start talking to women I find attractive in nerd-oriented stores like 2nd & Charles or whatever, but I haven't done anything like that before.
EDIT: I didn't realize that image would show up so large.
So I just saw this and am curious about others' opinions on it.
This isn't serious advice, right? I don't really plan to ever ask someone out like this because I don't feel like the odds are that good that a random woman I see out and about will be someone with the personality traits I value, but I'm pretty sure people still start relationships offline.
Hopefully not serious. But social context does matter. There are a lot of places where people are there to do something and not socialize or are in the middle of something that they would prefer to do and not socialize.
At the gym and someone is working out on weights or a machine? Probably not a great time to approach them.
At the grocery store? You might be able to make a quick comment (eg if someone has a funny shirt I might comment on it if I like it) but don't expect a conversation even if they might be open to one elsewhere.
At a dance venue? It would be really, really weird if people weren't approaching each other to ask to dance.
Personally I think I have the problem of being too hesitant to approach people in general. I can't recall someone coming up to me in a store or something just to comment on what I'm looking at (aside from salespeople, that is) so the thought of going up to a stranger and trying to strike up a conversation out of nowhere feels weird.
Come to think of it, my (female) cousin recently told me she thought I should stop looking on Tinder and PoF and instead just try to start talking to women I find attractive in nerd-oriented stores like 2nd & Charles or whatever, but I haven't done anything like that before.
EDIT: I didn't realize that image would show up so large.
Local culture about some of this stuff can vary a lot too. If I'm at a Lego store shopping for myself I've occasionally been engaged in conversation by another adult shopping solo looking at the same model/product line. I've sometimes been engaged in conversation grocery shopping by other cooking enthusiasts when they notice I'm picking up less common ingredients like duck breasts and beef short ribs. Some other areas are much less prone to this kind of casual conversation and it doesn't necessarily happen often. But people do tend to enjoy talking about mutual interests or even just knowing other people are into the same thing. This is noticeably different from trying to immediately go for a pickup of someone for romantic purposes in public in a skeevy way. Again, context matters.
The key element is "because you're attracted to her", I feel. Because casual conversation does and should happen all the time. It's important to be cognizant of the issues surrounding interactions like this, but context matters, it really does. From the perspective of the woman, there are many that get "hit on" in public transit, bus stations, at lunch, etc., and it's really obnoxious.
Striking up a conversation with a stranger isn't, by itself, bad. But when the motivation behind it is because the stranger is a romantic interest, you should stop and ask yourself some serious questions (like, why are you macking on a total stranger who you DON'T know in any way?).
If you’re the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with people, and one happens to be attractive, so be it.
If you think “this person is attractive and I want to leverage this into a date,” leave them be unless they are in a place that contextually invites social interaction, like a bar or a party.
If you’re the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with people, and one happens to be attractive, so be it.
If you think “this person is attractive and I want to leverage this into a date,” leave them be unless they are in a place that contextually invites social interaction, like a bar or a party.
Alternatively if one wants to become a person who can strike up random conversations. Not something one practices just on attractive people but some will be in that mix.
The key element is "because you're attracted to her", I feel. Because casual conversation does and should happen all the time. It's important to be cognizant of the issues surrounding interactions like this, but context matters, it really does. From the perspective of the woman, there are many that get "hit on" in public transit, bus stations, at lunch, etc., and it's really obnoxious.
Striking up a conversation with a stranger isn't, by itself, bad. But when the motivation behind it is because the stranger is a romantic interest, you should stop and ask yourself some serious questions (like, why are you macking on a total stranger who you DON'T know in any way?).
I think it's more accurate to say the key element is "ONLY because you're attracted to her." Having something to mention about what someone is doing, wearing, or talking about isn't mutually exclusive from finding someone attractive obviously. It's if one would have no interest in talking to a woman without said woman being romantically interested that is the big sign to back off IMO.
If you think “this person is attractive and I want to leverage this into a date,” leave them be unless they are in a place that contextually invites social interaction, like a bar or a party.
I tried the bar scene for a while, but 1) most of the time people are already there with others and talking with them the whole time, so trying to interrupt them seems rude, and 2) based on how I've felt towards previous girlfriends the only two I really liked weren't the type to go to bars (both were homebodies who watched a lot of TV and movies; one I knew from high scool who just happened to work at a store I went to and the other I connected with on Tinder).
I also don't really know anybody that thows parties. The only exception I can think of this year was a friend's 28th birthday party, which was mostly attended by people already in relationships.
If you think “this person is attractive and I want to leverage this into a date,” leave them be unless they are in a place that contextually invites social interaction, like a bar or a party.
I tried the bar scene for a while, but 1) most of the time people are already there with others and talking with them the whole time, so trying to interrupt them seems rude, and 2) based on how I've felt towards previous girlfriends the only two I really liked weren't the type to go to bars (both were homebodies who watched a lot of TV and movies; one I knew from high scool who just happened to work at a store I went to and the other I connected with on Tinder).
I also don't really know anybody that thows parties. The only exception I can think of this year was a friend's 28th birthday party, which was mostly attended by people already in relationships.
Bars often aren't a great place to meet new people despite how prevalent that line of thinking is. A lot of people are just there to be with people they already know. Some bars will have occasions where people socialize outside of their established circles like during sports events (though those often are guy dominated) or a dance night though. Bars still can work if one can read eye contact, facial expressions (is someone smiling just as social politeness vs. actually enjoying you noticing them etc), and body language from a distance but would not be anywhere near the top of venues I'd recommend to meet new people, it's more of something that could happen if you have reason to be at the bar in the first place.
It's somewhat of a moot point if not many people throw parties, but you should still interact with others at said parties to expand your social circle. Sure those people might all be in relationships but they probably know people who aren't. And if they're friends with whoever you know is hosting the party there's a decent chance you all have something in common which means friends of those friends could have something in common. The larger your social circle, the more opportunities you have to do social activities and meet new people. Networking like this is good for its own sake but some subset of those people will likely be single too.
Really, I think a common theme to meeting people in meatspace is that it arises from doing other things that are good to do while out and about. It's not the primary goal when you go out, it's an opportunity that can arise that you learn to recognize and act on.
If you think “this person is attractive and I want to leverage this into a date,” leave them be unless they are in a place that contextually invites social interaction, like a bar or a party.
I tried the bar scene for a while, but 1) most of the time people are already there with others and talking with them the whole time, so trying to interrupt them seems rude, and 2) based on how I've felt towards previous girlfriends the only two I really liked weren't the type to go to bars (both were homebodies who watched a lot of TV and movies; one I knew from high scool who just happened to work at a store I went to and the other I connected with on Tinder).
I also don't really know anybody that thows parties. The only exception I can think of this year was a friend's 28th birthday party, which was mostly attended by people already in relationships.
Cool. Then don't hit on random people.
It's really not as complicated as people try to make it. There are spaces, both virtual and digital, where it's implied that people are open to deeper personal interactions than pleasantries. As you live a normal life, it's assumed that you will develop connections with people that will make them not strangers anymore, at which point it may (depending on the nature of their not-strangerness) be appropriate to ask them out on a date.
Outside of those two situations, leave people alone or keep it to the light interactions that are acceptable among strangers.
I don’t have any apps at all, nor am I on any websites, but I’m considering the whole internet dating thing. Bit of a broad question but if you were starting right now what would you use and what was a waste of time?
I don’t have any apps at all, nor am I on any websites, but I’m considering the whole internet dating thing. Bit of a broad question but if you were starting right now what would you use and what was a waste of time?
I’m in England if it makes any difference.
Word of warning: This kind of thing is highly, highly regional. What works is really going to depend on what people around you use. In the US different parts of the country gravitate towards certain apps/sites and not others. If you can't ask other friends of the same gender and orientation for what's worked for them you'll likely to have to try everything yourself to see what works.
Thanks for the reply. I have tons of friends to ask to be honest (I’m in the military so the one night stand ratio among my pals is absurdly high) but I thought I’d scout out some unknown folk first just due to embarrassment.
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KoopahTroopahThe koopas, the troopas.Philadelphia, PARegistered Userregular
I have tried a lot of dating apps. Match, Tinder, Bumble, POF, OKC, Happn... The best I've found are OKC and Bumble. Bumble is nice, but I find that most girls who match do not make the first move and thus are just swiping out of boredom. OKC actually allows questionnaires and guys can send the first message, however they have recently changed it so that messages don't always go to the participant. They only go to the participant if they come across your profile, either via the normal swiping process or from them searching for people. It was meant to keep people from harassing each other, but I personally don't like the change because it gives me less motivation to craft more interesting messages. Still, I think OKC is the best at helping you find your 'match' if that is what you're interested in.
Steel is right though, it definitely varies from location to location. Just use whatever is most popular for the best results.
I don’t have any apps at all, nor am I on any websites, but I’m considering the whole internet dating thing. Bit of a broad question but if you were starting right now what would you use and what was a waste of time?
I’m in England if it makes any difference.
Have no idea if any of this applies to England, but in my experience I've gotten at least ten matches on Tinder (met up with three, dated two), two matches on PoF (talked with one for a while, dated the other), and one match on Bumble that never sent me a message. Every other service I've looked at was a waste of time with hardly anyone at all on it in my area.
From what I understand most men who use Tinder swipe right on lots of women, much moreso than women swipe right on men. I personally have a type that from prior experience I don't think I can compromise much on, so I end up only swiping right on maybe one in fifty or so profiles.
EDIT: Seriously, don't bother with Bumble. It's effectively a scam.
I don’t have any apps at all, nor am I on any websites, but I’m considering the whole internet dating thing. Bit of a broad question but if you were starting right now what would you use and what was a waste of time?
I’m in England if it makes any difference.
Have no idea if any of this applies to England, but in my experience I've gotten at least ten matches on Tinder (met up with three, dated two), two matches on PoF (talked with one for a while, dated the other), and one match on Bumble that never sent me a message. Every other service I've looked at was a waste of time with hardly anyone at all on it in my area.
From what I understand most men who use Tinder swipe right on lots of women, much moreso than women swipe right on men. I personally have a type that from prior experience I don't think I can compromise much on, so I end up only swiping right on maybe one in fifty or so profiles.
EDIT: Seriously, don't bother with Bumble. It's effectively a scam.
I wouldn't say Bumble is a scam. It's just like any other dating app, in that it is extremely region-dependent. Bumble is pretty good in the Bay Area, for example. I got a few matches on there, as non-male-model Asian widower heading into middle age (so I have a lot of strikes against me!). The thing about Bumble to keep in mind is that their algorithm will show you the most attractive, most-swiped people first on your list, so you have to dig a few swipes through some outrageously attractive people (who may not even be active on the service) before you get to the normal people lookin' for love.
It's worth trying, but if you don't any results after a couple weeks, feel free to ditch it. This goes for pretty much any dating app/service.
When you say you personally have a type that you only swipe right on one in 50 or so profiles, it makes me think "Oh, so you only swipe right on women who don't have emojis in their profile?" Or maybe you hate hiking. Or yoga. (Totally just kidding here)
When you say you personally have a type that you only swipe right on one in 50 or so profiles, it makes me think "Oh, so you only swipe right on women who don't have emojis in their profile?" Or maybe you hate hiking. Or yoga. (Totally just kidding here)
Out of all the women I've dated I've only had strong feelings for two, both of whom could be described as:
I've tried dating women outside of that, but nothing's ever clicked. I generally swipe left if I see references to kids, family-centeredness, religion, sports, the outdoors, or conservatism.
When you say you personally have a type that you only swipe right on one in 50 or so profiles, it makes me think "Oh, so you only swipe right on women who don't have emojis in their profile?" Or maybe you hate hiking. Or yoga. (Totally just kidding here)
Out of all the women I've dated I've only had strong feelings for two, both of whom could be described as:
I've tried dating women outside of that, but nothing's ever clicked. I generally swipe left if I see references to kids, family-centeredness, religion, sports, the outdoors, or conservatism.
I feel like this describes more than 1 in 50 women in the Bay Area, but that's the Bay Area. There are all sorts of people out here in the wild wild California West.
I have some thoughts on being picky online, but all of my dating is extracurricular, due to my relationship being open. I think that's a caveat worth disclosing, but at the same time all it does is really narrow my pool and make the process of filtering even more critical for me.
The only common thread among my successes is generally a high willingness and a positive attitude towards talking about expectations up front in a pretty casual manner. I've tried to keep that in mind and not let the date resume get in the way of just enjoying people. My good relationships have all generally had at least one major descriptor that fell out of line with my ideals, and my 4 major failures of dates have had excellent stats on paper towards my ideals, but horribly underperformed in person.
Every date I've had that was good, the dude explicitly asked if he could kiss me, which is adorable and very in line with my comfort levels. One of my more successful and long lasting relationships was with an extroverted dude who failed on paper with a ton of my expectations. He was also more old fashioned/older in general, but that didn't get in the way of him setting expectations or asking to kiss me straight up, and did nothing to harm his suaveness. Probably not an approach everyone likes, but if it's on par with the sort of communication you wish you got, I think it's a good strategy.
I can remember these things being said on my good first dates: "I'm not really a text every day kind of person, but I'm weird and do like getting a longer email", "If things are going well, I won't mind if we can only get together once a month", "Would a phone call out of the blue be odd for you?"
It's a little harder to do that when your needs are the opposite (You don't want to say "I'd prefer we text everyday" off the bat, obviously), but figuring out what someone might be looking for might help you strike the right pace after a few dates: "I'm always up for texting all day, but I know that's not everyone's thing. Do you have a preference?.
Luck, chance and serendipity are more a part of dating than most of the rest of our lives. I've found more luck leaning in on people who could talk out a problem rather than looking for people who I thought would not generate problems (everyone causes problems, its what we do).
That's a bunch of anecdotal advice, but @Hexmage-PA for something specific, I consider myself an atheist but I'm pretty sure I've picked Zen/buddhist on many a dating site because that's something early 20s Iruka would do and not think to change it. Filtering for only atheism might eliminate some people who list shit like that because they don't think about it that much.
KoopahTroopahThe koopas, the troopas.Philadelphia, PARegistered Userregular
I deleted Tinder and stopped logging into Bumble and OKC. I think I found a partner for the foreseeable future with the girl I started dating a few weeks ago from OKC. We struggled a little bit with our first couple times together, but we've clicked really well and we like each other a whole lot and have spent a huge amount of time over the past three weeks, so we decided to not see anyone else. Consider this my thread sign off into lurker status.
Best of luck fellow nerds, if I can do it so can you!
Aw, damn. I'm so dissapointed. I met a beautiful gamer girl, but she said she didn't think it would work out, and she's probably right.
She was an Asian American homebody. A very timid one, and I think I intimidated her. From age 29 and beyond, I have come out of my shell and started seeking different activities other than gaming to meet women. And so this girl comes along after all the changes I made years later. She doesn't vote, she's home every weekend babysitting her nephews in exchange for a rent discount from her siblings, and she said she originally wanted to be an Optometrist but "didn't want to deal with customers" so now she's a medical coder. I think I scared her off with the different city wide activities I seek out on weekends. I told her that gaming with her (Overcooked and Monaco) was more precious to me than any outside event. She also said something in our communication was "missing". But she genuinely still liked me as a friend. I asked her if she can think of what can make my communication better, to let me know.
Being rejected by a gamer girl sucks the most.
Another thing is, the only women who seem to want to date me and are responding to my dating profile are Asian. Stop giggling. I'm a 5'9 34 year old who looks like a 26 year old bishounen, albeit with more muscle. I turned heads overseas. My first sexual partner was a foreign Korean. My first girlfriend was Chinese. Back in America, dates with American women are going nowhere. A Japanese woman wants to meet me next. I'm becoming uncomfortable with the disparity in communication between me and foreign women, and wanted to make it a point to date an American woman. If I can't make my communication right for an American woman, what if the disparity on skills in English are setting a time limit on a relationship with a foreign woman? I picked up Mars and Venus on a Date and I'm running through it so I can refine my communication with women in general.
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Speaking of: the first thing of substance I said about "the animator":
She is still cute! I am also cute.
Bonuses - being the bride, I got free drinks at the bar all day and night even before and after the event. We got a free room for the night and we have tons of rewards points to use towards their restaurant since we had the dress rehearsal dinner and wedding there. It's been almost a year and we still haven't used up all our rewards.
Tinder girl unmatched me after a week, I guess we were getting too personal instead of just hooking up? *shrug*
OKC girl and I have been talking off and on since we matched, and we have a dinner date on Friday at a local cafe! :biggrin:
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
Shame.
Ah well. Wish me luck on this weekend. Let's see if I can strike up some conversations at the convention.
Date went well! We went to a local cafe that was covered in dog paintings and dog decor, it was super cute. She was very nice, kind of awkward but I guess I am too so it fits. We get along very well and we were able to keep a conversation going after we both got drinks and we lowered our defenses a bit. Just casual conversations and topics, nothing sexy yet because I like her and I didn't want to overstep any lines since it was our first meeting. We exchanged numbers and are scheduling a date two already! Yay!
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
Initial thoughts: Bumble's time-limit definitely feels scammy because they're charging money to extend conversations, or re-open timed-out conversations.
The 24-hour clock is basically the kicker for me on that. The nature of internet dating: where someone is currently interacting with someone, and it takes the first date to realize that they weren't going to be a good fit for each other, basically guarantees that there will be conversations that are dropped. If the timer was like 1 week or maybe 72 hours, that would seem very reasonable, and make the $ for time transaction feel less scammy to me.
I think the timer forces users to feel compelled to write, which i find to be a good thing. You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
I think the timer forces users to feel compelled to write, which i find to be a good thing. You can always match with them at a later time if they don't respond.
So there's likely a fairly common case where person-A swiped right on person-B, but person-B wasn't swiping at the time (or due to the paid-for algorithm person-A's profile didn't show up for a while). Person-A found themselves in a conversation and/or setup a date with person-C, however, now person-B sees person-A's profile and swipes right; starting the timer. Now, person-A has to make a choice, depending on their dating habits: defocus from person-C and spend mental energy getting to know person-B, or let the conversation lock due to a fairly short timer.
At a certain point, everyone reaches their natural limit of conversations they're comfortable having/juggling, and then potential good matches/conversations are eaten by the timer... unless that person pays up some cash. It's a built in microtransaction that isn't as easily ignored as the, "WHO LIKES YOU RIGHT NOW?!!!!!" payment upgrades that are default to every dating app.
edit: I forgot to bring this back to my main point. They can still have a timer, but making it 3-5 days, to accommodate for common life/dating events, still helps with the urgency, but also backs off the scammy quotient quite a bit.
From what I've seen in the app, I don't believe this is true? I have a match/conversation that is still locked, and the app is suggesting the only way I can unlock it is by paying money.
I'm detecting this as the solution most users are going with, and it is creating a very interesting side-effect: an initial flurry of a couple messages, and then an awkard gap, with an attempt to re-connect the conversation a handful of days later, if a date plans weren't made concrete. It's so weird.
edit: I forgot to bring this back to my main point. They can still have a timer, but making it 3-5 days, to accommodate for common life/dating events, still helps with the urgency, but also backs off the scammy quotient quite a bit.
From what I've seen in the app, I don't believe this is true? I have a match/conversation that is still locked, and the app is suggesting the only way I can unlock it is by paying money.
Sorry, I messed up your quotes.
I know it to be true that you can re-match; because I have. It does not happen often.
Steam: MightyPotatoKing
I still manage to work it out but I am very indecisive and lazy about it
We've been chatting a little less this week because we've been busy, but we have our second date tonight at a brewery pub. I invited her over to play Spider-Man but she kinda shrugged it off. Probably thought I was using it as a 'Netflix and chill' innuendo, but really I was just offering to play Spider-Man after our date :razz: . That's what I plan on doing anyways if the date ends at the pub.
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
Well we've been seeing each other 2-3 times a week since this post. She's told her family about me, and I've told my family about her. Our next step is introducing our dogs. We're planning a 5-day trip at the end of September.
For the first time since 2010 I have a girlfriend! (yikes it's been a long time...)
This isn't serious advice, right? I don't really plan to ever ask someone out like this because I don't feel like the odds are that good that a random woman I see out and about will be someone with the personality traits I value, but I'm pretty sure people still start relationships offline.
Hopefully not serious. But social context does matter. There are a lot of places where people are there to do something and not socialize or are in the middle of something that they would prefer to do and not socialize.
At the gym and someone is working out on weights or a machine? Probably not a great time to approach them.
At the grocery store? You might be able to make a quick comment (eg if someone has a funny shirt I might comment on it if I like it) but don't expect a conversation even if they might be open to one elsewhere.
At a dance venue? It would be really, really weird if people weren't approaching each other to ask to dance.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
That's protesting too much. There's a lot of grey between, "UGH, guys NEVER stop creeping on me!" and "UGH, how come no one EVER talks to me!"
The most important thing is just being conscious of A: not interrupting them in the middle of something, and B: having something nice to say.
Occasionally I chat up different girls at the gym between sets, particularly if I see them doing something interesting or new. And I usually lead with a combination of, "Is that some kind of sports training?" or "I've never seen that exercise, what are you using it for."
Usually the conversation ends in smiles at the least, so use that as it suits you.
Personally I think I have the problem of being too hesitant to approach people in general. I can't recall someone coming up to me in a store or something just to comment on what I'm looking at (aside from salespeople, that is) so the thought of going up to a stranger and trying to strike up a conversation out of nowhere feels weird.
Come to think of it, my (female) cousin recently told me she thought I should stop looking on Tinder and PoF and instead just try to start talking to women I find attractive in nerd-oriented stores like 2nd & Charles or whatever, but I haven't done anything like that before.
EDIT: I didn't realize that image would show up so large.
Local culture about some of this stuff can vary a lot too. If I'm at a Lego store shopping for myself I've occasionally been engaged in conversation by another adult shopping solo looking at the same model/product line. I've sometimes been engaged in conversation grocery shopping by other cooking enthusiasts when they notice I'm picking up less common ingredients like duck breasts and beef short ribs. Some other areas are much less prone to this kind of casual conversation and it doesn't necessarily happen often. But people do tend to enjoy talking about mutual interests or even just knowing other people are into the same thing. This is noticeably different from trying to immediately go for a pickup of someone for romantic purposes in public in a skeevy way. Again, context matters.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Striking up a conversation with a stranger isn't, by itself, bad. But when the motivation behind it is because the stranger is a romantic interest, you should stop and ask yourself some serious questions (like, why are you macking on a total stranger who you DON'T know in any way?).
If you’re the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with people, and one happens to be attractive, so be it.
If you think “this person is attractive and I want to leverage this into a date,” leave them be unless they are in a place that contextually invites social interaction, like a bar or a party.
Alternatively if one wants to become a person who can strike up random conversations. Not something one practices just on attractive people but some will be in that mix.
I think it's more accurate to say the key element is "ONLY because you're attracted to her." Having something to mention about what someone is doing, wearing, or talking about isn't mutually exclusive from finding someone attractive obviously. It's if one would have no interest in talking to a woman without said woman being romantically interested that is the big sign to back off IMO.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
I tried the bar scene for a while, but 1) most of the time people are already there with others and talking with them the whole time, so trying to interrupt them seems rude, and 2) based on how I've felt towards previous girlfriends the only two I really liked weren't the type to go to bars (both were homebodies who watched a lot of TV and movies; one I knew from high scool who just happened to work at a store I went to and the other I connected with on Tinder).
I also don't really know anybody that thows parties. The only exception I can think of this year was a friend's 28th birthday party, which was mostly attended by people already in relationships.
Bars often aren't a great place to meet new people despite how prevalent that line of thinking is. A lot of people are just there to be with people they already know. Some bars will have occasions where people socialize outside of their established circles like during sports events (though those often are guy dominated) or a dance night though. Bars still can work if one can read eye contact, facial expressions (is someone smiling just as social politeness vs. actually enjoying you noticing them etc), and body language from a distance but would not be anywhere near the top of venues I'd recommend to meet new people, it's more of something that could happen if you have reason to be at the bar in the first place.
It's somewhat of a moot point if not many people throw parties, but you should still interact with others at said parties to expand your social circle. Sure those people might all be in relationships but they probably know people who aren't. And if they're friends with whoever you know is hosting the party there's a decent chance you all have something in common which means friends of those friends could have something in common. The larger your social circle, the more opportunities you have to do social activities and meet new people. Networking like this is good for its own sake but some subset of those people will likely be single too.
Really, I think a common theme to meeting people in meatspace is that it arises from doing other things that are good to do while out and about. It's not the primary goal when you go out, it's an opportunity that can arise that you learn to recognize and act on.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Cool. Then don't hit on random people.
It's really not as complicated as people try to make it. There are spaces, both virtual and digital, where it's implied that people are open to deeper personal interactions than pleasantries. As you live a normal life, it's assumed that you will develop connections with people that will make them not strangers anymore, at which point it may (depending on the nature of their not-strangerness) be appropriate to ask them out on a date.
Outside of those two situations, leave people alone or keep it to the light interactions that are acceptable among strangers.
I’m in England if it makes any difference.
Word of warning: This kind of thing is highly, highly regional. What works is really going to depend on what people around you use. In the US different parts of the country gravitate towards certain apps/sites and not others. If you can't ask other friends of the same gender and orientation for what's worked for them you'll likely to have to try everything yourself to see what works.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Steel is right though, it definitely varies from location to location. Just use whatever is most popular for the best results.
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
Have no idea if any of this applies to England, but in my experience I've gotten at least ten matches on Tinder (met up with three, dated two), two matches on PoF (talked with one for a while, dated the other), and one match on Bumble that never sent me a message. Every other service I've looked at was a waste of time with hardly anyone at all on it in my area.
From what I understand most men who use Tinder swipe right on lots of women, much moreso than women swipe right on men. I personally have a type that from prior experience I don't think I can compromise much on, so I end up only swiping right on maybe one in fifty or so profiles.
EDIT: Seriously, don't bother with Bumble. It's effectively a scam.
It's worth trying, but if you don't any results after a couple weeks, feel free to ditch it. This goes for pretty much any dating app/service.
When you say you personally have a type that you only swipe right on one in 50 or so profiles, it makes me think "Oh, so you only swipe right on women who don't have emojis in their profile?"
Out of all the women I've dated I've only had strong feelings for two, both of whom could be described as:
- cherubic
- chill
- childfree
- agnostic/atheist
- liberal
- homebody
- nerdy
- unathletic
I've tried dating women outside of that, but nothing's ever clicked. I generally swipe left if I see references to kids, family-centeredness, religion, sports, the outdoors, or conservatism.
The only common thread among my successes is generally a high willingness and a positive attitude towards talking about expectations up front in a pretty casual manner. I've tried to keep that in mind and not let the date resume get in the way of just enjoying people. My good relationships have all generally had at least one major descriptor that fell out of line with my ideals, and my 4 major failures of dates have had excellent stats on paper towards my ideals, but horribly underperformed in person.
Every date I've had that was good, the dude explicitly asked if he could kiss me, which is adorable and very in line with my comfort levels. One of my more successful and long lasting relationships was with an extroverted dude who failed on paper with a ton of my expectations. He was also more old fashioned/older in general, but that didn't get in the way of him setting expectations or asking to kiss me straight up, and did nothing to harm his suaveness. Probably not an approach everyone likes, but if it's on par with the sort of communication you wish you got, I think it's a good strategy.
I can remember these things being said on my good first dates: "I'm not really a text every day kind of person, but I'm weird and do like getting a longer email", "If things are going well, I won't mind if we can only get together once a month", "Would a phone call out of the blue be odd for you?"
It's a little harder to do that when your needs are the opposite (You don't want to say "I'd prefer we text everyday" off the bat, obviously), but figuring out what someone might be looking for might help you strike the right pace after a few dates: "I'm always up for texting all day, but I know that's not everyone's thing. Do you have a preference?.
Luck, chance and serendipity are more a part of dating than most of the rest of our lives. I've found more luck leaning in on people who could talk out a problem rather than looking for people who I thought would not generate problems (everyone causes problems, its what we do).
That's a bunch of anecdotal advice, but @Hexmage-PA for something specific, I consider myself an atheist but I'm pretty sure I've picked Zen/buddhist on many a dating site because that's something early 20s Iruka would do and not think to change it. Filtering for only atheism might eliminate some people who list shit like that because they don't think about it that much.
You know, if you needed some plans.
Best of luck fellow nerds, if I can do it so can you!
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
She was an Asian American homebody. A very timid one, and I think I intimidated her. From age 29 and beyond, I have come out of my shell and started seeking different activities other than gaming to meet women. And so this girl comes along after all the changes I made years later. She doesn't vote, she's home every weekend babysitting her nephews in exchange for a rent discount from her siblings, and she said she originally wanted to be an Optometrist but "didn't want to deal with customers" so now she's a medical coder. I think I scared her off with the different city wide activities I seek out on weekends. I told her that gaming with her (Overcooked and Monaco) was more precious to me than any outside event. She also said something in our communication was "missing". But she genuinely still liked me as a friend. I asked her if she can think of what can make my communication better, to let me know.
Being rejected by a gamer girl sucks the most.
Another thing is, the only women who seem to want to date me and are responding to my dating profile are Asian. Stop giggling. I'm a 5'9 34 year old who looks like a 26 year old bishounen, albeit with more muscle. I turned heads overseas. My first sexual partner was a foreign Korean. My first girlfriend was Chinese. Back in America, dates with American women are going nowhere. A Japanese woman wants to meet me next. I'm becoming uncomfortable with the disparity in communication between me and foreign women, and wanted to make it a point to date an American woman. If I can't make my communication right for an American woman, what if the disparity on skills in English are setting a time limit on a relationship with a foreign woman? I picked up Mars and Venus on a Date and I'm running through it so I can refine my communication with women in general.