Zimmydoom, Zimmydoom
Flew away in a balloon
Had sex with polar bears
While sitting in a reclining chair
Now there are Zim-Bear hybrids
Running around and clawing eyelids
Watch out, a Zim-Bear is about to have sex with yooooooou!
Christmas Day. Wearing my new For The Horde hooded sweatshirt. Sitting around the table in the kitchen, all my aunts/uncles/cousins talking it up. I take a drink of Dr. Pepper and it goes down the wrong pipe. I immediately go into "OMG, I'm going to cough with a mouth full of soda" panic. I cover my mouth to start and attempt to let the coughing occur through the nose. The first cough doesn't break the seal of my lips, air escaping through the nostrils. The second cough, on the other hand, had quite different results. I sprayed Dr. Pepper into my hands, which provided a barrier for the table immediately in front of me, but ricocheted the liquid in all directions perpendicular to forward. On to my new hoodie. On to the people sitting to my right and left. And straight up in the air, settling on my face/hair.
The thing is, no one was actually looking at me when it happened. They all heard the noise (strange in itself) and looked over in time to see everything within 3 feet covered in a fine Dr. Pepper mist, prompting a lot of "what the hell just happened!?" questions. I just laughed and got some paper towels.
So the first summer I worked at my college painting dorms, we had just about finished up doing one of the buildings, and the director of Life Student life came to bring us cookies and soda for our break. Anyway, we're chowing down on chocolate chip cookies with the entire maintenance department, when the guys contracted to the do the ceiling work walked by on one of the balconies wearing their stilts. We commented on how funny they looked since we couldn't see the stilts they had attached and how they were weird guys anyway, when the Student Life lady said something along the lines of "Yeah, they'll strap on all kinds of things."
Now this was said in a completely innocent fashion, but you must understand, while all very intelligent, the guys who were in my paint crew (myself included) had a pretty puerile sense of humor. Frequently penises were painted on walls before we painted the whole thing. This comment, understandably, was very funny to us. But we could not laugh. Not at her. She was a kind, motherly lady, and furthermore, had just brought us cookies! So we hold it back. Admirably. I succeeded for about 30 seconds when I looked over at one of my friends, and he had this knowing look in his eye. I try to hold back the laugh, and end up snorting. With a mouth full of chocolate chip cookie. If you've never snorted chocolate into your sinuses, let me tell you something. It burns. I spent the next 5 minutes laughing, crying, and blowing chocolate out my nose with all my coworkers and bosses watching. My sinuses hurt for a couple hours too.
I might have told this... I don't think so though.
Back in March I went to see Megadeth in Toronto with a couple friends. Now, this being a metal show, you can imagine the type of people it attracts.
Anyways, we are in the booze line pounding our drinks so that we can get back to the music ASAP. We were pretty sloshed.
My buddy looks over and sees two older figures with long blond hair well below their asses making out. He points and screams "THOSE TWO COUGARS ARE MAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and we look and all three of us star busting our guts like we never have before - I mean we were really really drunk. It was funny because we were making a huge spectacle in the middle of like 200 people.
So one of the cougars turns around and looks at us..... and its a man.
We basically look at each other really slowly.... and then continue to bust our fucking guts with laughter.
Al_wat on
0
Mojo_JojoWe are only now beginning to understand the full power and ramifications of sexual intercourseRegistered Userregular
edited January 2008
I'm guessing that Megadeath gigs don't usually feature roving gangs of big cats. What do you mean by cougar?
Mojo_Jojo on
Homogeneous distribution of your varieties of amuse-gueule
Cougar = older lady, probably 40s, who prowls for younger men.
In the context of my story it just means ~ 40 year old woman who was probably pretty hot when she was 20.
Usually they look pretty leathery from the years of over-tanning.
Milfs are a bit different but pretty similar. Usually cougars are worn and, like i said, leathery.
Milfs can still be pristine. A cougar has many scars from battles long past.
That doesn't really follow the standard definition of cougar, as I've heard it. I believe it means an attractive older lady who seeks out and attacks younger men as her prey.
I'm not going to bother investigating further, though.
I might have told this... I don't think so though.
Back in March I went to see Megadeth in Toronto with a couple friends. Now, this being a metal show, you can imagine the type of people it attracts.
Anyways, we are in the booze line pounding our drinks so that we can get back to the music ASAP. We were pretty sloshed.
My buddy looks over and sees two older figures with long blond hair well below their asses making out. He points and screams "THOSE TWO COUGARS ARE MAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and we look and all three of us star busting our guts like we never have before - I mean we were really really drunk. It was funny because we were making a huge spectacle in the middle of like 200 people.
So one of the cougars turns around and looks at us..... and its a man.
We basically look at each other really slowly.... and then continue to bust our fucking guts with laughter.
That long haired redhead woman? That wasn't a woman, that was Dave Mustaine.
I might have told this... I don't think so though.
Back in March I went to see Megadeth in Toronto with a couple friends. Now, this being a metal show, you can imagine the type of people it attracts.
Anyways, we are in the booze line pounding our drinks so that we can get back to the music ASAP. We were pretty sloshed.
My buddy looks over and sees two older figures with long blond hair well below their asses making out. He points and screams "THOSE TWO COUGARS ARE MAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and we look and all three of us star busting our guts like we never have before - I mean we were really really drunk. It was funny because we were making a huge spectacle in the middle of like 200 people.
So one of the cougars turns around and looks at us..... and its a man.
We basically look at each other really slowly.... and then continue to bust our fucking guts with laughter.
That long haired redhead woman? That wasn't a woman, that was Dave Mustaine.
Oh man, jesus. Just had a really awkward moment at work a few minutes ago...
I was putting away the 'End of Month' accounting file away and I noticed there was a really nice looking pen on my desk, engraved and everything. "Oh, that must belong to my boss", I thought, as she just recently gave be back the End of Month file.
So I went to her office and there was some new bearded guy talking with her, I think hes a casual in Occupational Health and Safety or something; I don't know the guy. Anyway when their converstion dies down I quickly interject with "Oh Arlene I think you left this pen in my office".
She looks at me quizzically and says "No, no thats not mine... Oh! I probably borrowed it off Colin, just give it back to him"
"Sure thing", I say. So I exit the office and go to Colins' office and ask him "Hey, this your pen??" and he replies "Nah its not mine, looks nice though".
What the hell? I think, oh well looks like I just claimed myself a sweet pen.
I go back to my office and put the pen ontop of a small stack of steel files and get back to work. About 5 minutes later (about 5 minutes ago) that same bearded guy comes into my office, looks at me, and takes the pen.
My friend, who we'll call Mike, was drunk off his ass on New Year's Eve at about 9 p.m. A bunch of us are playing Catchphrase, and he wants to join my team. Ok, fine.
After trying to describe the categories that are listed, instead of pressing start to actually get a clue to describe, he finally gets a chance to describe a clue.
TL DRNot at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered Userregular
edited January 2008
Lately, my dad has been letting slip things that previously have been secret. For example, previous legal issues, the fact that he owns a gun, and last night this took a turn for the worst.
I was at dinner with my old lady last night, when my dad decided to reveal that when me married my mom, it was because they were already pregnant with me.
Also, my youngest brother was the result of a botched vasectomy, the painful ordeal of which he described in great detail.
Hah, that reminds me of a story my mom told me. She and my dad were missionaries in Nepal when they got married, and me and my brother were pretty much honeymoon babies. When she was several months pregnant she went home to give some talks about her work at various places. At one talk, which took place at a hospital (she was doing physiotherapy in Nepal), she mentioned she had gotten married recently. Her sister was there in the crowd listening, and she later told my mom that she'd heard one doctor mutter to another doctor that she looked too big to have just gotten pregnant on her honeymoon - they apparently figured that my mom had had a quickie marriage to cover up. Of course, she was particularly big because she was having twins, but she didn't know that at the time... :P
Corlis on
But I don't mind, as long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine,
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
Lately, my dad has been letting slip things that previously have been secret. For example, previous legal issues, the fact that he owns a gun, and last night this took a turn for the worst.
I was at dinner with my old lady last night, when my dad decided to reveal that when me married my mom, it was because they were already pregnant with me.
Also, my youngest brother was the result of a botched vasectomy, the painful ordeal of which he described in great detail.
Jesus Christ, dad.
I was apparently unplanned, and my dad wanted to abort me.
My sister was a celebratory shag after my mum had recovered from having me (I was a big baby).
hi5?
Rohaq on
0
Toxic ToysAre you really taking my advice?Really?Registered Userregular
edited January 2008
I'm going to file this story under strange.
So my brother was hanging out at my house with his wife. Mine was there too, and we put all the kids to bed.
Some how all started talking about tits. The conversation turn to whos tits weer better, my wife or his. I of course said mine and he said his. I saaid the only way we could be sure is if we compaired them. He agreed. Then he said to do that, we have to see them.
They were both game for that.
So my wife whipped out hers. Then his wife did the same.
So we are all standing there pointing out what is what on the both of them. I say "A"(my wife) is better just because the are larger and more full. He said that's BS because "R"(his wife") felt better despite the size.
Well, there was only one way to solve this. He felt A's tit with me and I felt R's with him. The girls started talking about boobs. Who was better and what not. Then they felt each other up.
It was odd as hell, but my wife has the better boobs by vote.
Toxic Toys on
3DS code: 2938-6074-2306, Nintendo Network ID: ToxicToys, PSN: zutto
So my brother was hanging out at my house with his wife. Mine was there too, and we put all the kids to bed.
Some how all started talking about tits. The conversation turn to whos tits weer better, my wife or his. I of course said mine and he said his. I saaid the only way we could be sure is if we compaired them. He agreed. Then he said to do that, we have to see them.
They were both game for that.
So my wife whipped out hers. Then his wife did the same.
So we are all standing there pointing out what is what on the both of them. I say "A"(my wife) is better just because the are larger and more full. He said that's BS because "R"(his wife") felt better despite the size.
Well, there was only one way to solve this. He felt A's tit with me and I felt R's with him. The girls started talking about boobs. Who was better and what not. Then they felt each other up.
It was odd as hell, but my wife has the better boobs by vote.
Shakespearean incest is hot.
jotate on
0
ZimmydoomAccept no substitutesRegistered Userregular
So my brother was hanging out at my house with his wife. Mine was there too, and we put all the kids to bed.
Some how all started talking about tits. The conversation turn to whos tits weer better, my wife or his. I of course said mine and he said his. I saaid the only way we could be sure is if we compaired them. He agreed. Then he said to do that, we have to see them.
They were both game for that.
So my wife whipped out hers. Then his wife did the same.
So we are all standing there pointing out what is what on the both of them. I say "A"(my wife) is better just because the are larger and more full. He said that's BS because "R"(his wife") felt better despite the size.
Well, there was only one way to solve this. He felt A's tit with me and I felt R's with him. The girls started talking about boobs. Who was better and what not. Then they felt each other up.
It was odd as hell, but my wife has the better boobs by vote.
You do realize this was all just an elaborate ploy by your brother to squeeze your wife's titties, right?
Zimmydoom, Zimmydoom
Flew away in a balloon
Had sex with polar bears
While sitting in a reclining chair
Now there are Zim-Bear hybrids
Running around and clawing eyelids
Watch out, a Zim-Bear is about to have sex with yooooooou!
Zimmydoom, Zimmydoom
Flew away in a balloon
Had sex with polar bears
While sitting in a reclining chair
Now there are Zim-Bear hybrids
Running around and clawing eyelids
Watch out, a Zim-Bear is about to have sex with yooooooou!
0
Toxic ToysAre you really taking my advice?Really?Registered Userregular
Posts
Not to smoke shitty weed?
STEAM
Put it on a postcard with a black and white picture of a mouth and send it to frank
So the first summer I worked at my college painting dorms, we had just about finished up doing one of the buildings, and the director of Life Student life came to bring us cookies and soda for our break. Anyway, we're chowing down on chocolate chip cookies with the entire maintenance department, when the guys contracted to the do the ceiling work walked by on one of the balconies wearing their stilts. We commented on how funny they looked since we couldn't see the stilts they had attached and how they were weird guys anyway, when the Student Life lady said something along the lines of "Yeah, they'll strap on all kinds of things."
Now this was said in a completely innocent fashion, but you must understand, while all very intelligent, the guys who were in my paint crew (myself included) had a pretty puerile sense of humor. Frequently penises were painted on walls before we painted the whole thing. This comment, understandably, was very funny to us. But we could not laugh. Not at her. She was a kind, motherly lady, and furthermore, had just brought us cookies! So we hold it back. Admirably. I succeeded for about 30 seconds when I looked over at one of my friends, and he had this knowing look in his eye. I try to hold back the laugh, and end up snorting. With a mouth full of chocolate chip cookie. If you've never snorted chocolate into your sinuses, let me tell you something. It burns. I spent the next 5 minutes laughing, crying, and blowing chocolate out my nose with all my coworkers and bosses watching. My sinuses hurt for a couple hours too.
Back in March I went to see Megadeth in Toronto with a couple friends. Now, this being a metal show, you can imagine the type of people it attracts.
Anyways, we are in the booze line pounding our drinks so that we can get back to the music ASAP. We were pretty sloshed.
My buddy looks over and sees two older figures with long blond hair well below their asses making out. He points and screams "THOSE TWO COUGARS ARE MAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and we look and all three of us star busting our guts like we never have before - I mean we were really really drunk. It was funny because we were making a huge spectacle in the middle of like 200 people.
So one of the cougars turns around and looks at us..... and its a man.
We basically look at each other really slowly.... and then continue to bust our fucking guts with laughter.
In the context of my story it just means ~ 40 year old woman who was probably pretty hot when she was 20.
Usually they look pretty leathery from the years of over-tanning.
Milfs can still be pristine. A cougar has many scars from battles long past.
That doesn't really follow the standard definition of cougar, as I've heard it. I believe it means an attractive older lady who seeks out and attacks younger men as her prey.
I'm not going to bother investigating further, though.
It was glorious
I was putting away the 'End of Month' accounting file away and I noticed there was a really nice looking pen on my desk, engraved and everything. "Oh, that must belong to my boss", I thought, as she just recently gave be back the End of Month file.
So I went to her office and there was some new bearded guy talking with her, I think hes a casual in Occupational Health and Safety or something; I don't know the guy. Anyway when their converstion dies down I quickly interject with "Oh Arlene I think you left this pen in my office".
She looks at me quizzically and says "No, no thats not mine... Oh! I probably borrowed it off Colin, just give it back to him"
"Sure thing", I say. So I exit the office and go to Colins' office and ask him "Hey, this your pen??" and he replies "Nah its not mine, looks nice though".
What the hell? I think, oh well looks like I just claimed myself a sweet pen.
I go back to my office and put the pen ontop of a small stack of steel files and get back to work. About 5 minutes later (about 5 minutes ago) that same bearded guy comes into my office, looks at me, and takes the pen.
He was Colin
What the hell...
Excuse me...my son's name is also Bort...
And why did your friend even ask for the porn if he was that afraid of his dad finding it? That's silly.
I would have to say its a little more common than Bort....
But that doesnt seem to stop them from running out of Bort license plates.
After trying to describe the categories that are listed, instead of pressing start to actually get a clue to describe, he finally gets a chance to describe a clue.
"It's like, you know, boop beep psh boop boop beep beep boop psh."
O_o
"Technology? Computer? Fax Machine? Modem?"
"No, guys, it's like, boop beep psh boop boop beep beep boop psh."
"We're not getting it, Mike. Give us another clue."
"I'm telling you the clue, guys. Just listen: boop beep psh boop boop beep beep boop psh"
O_o
Time runs out. We start passing the game around to see his clue. Each person bursts into laughter upon reading the mysterious topic.
The clue?
"How were we supposed to get that from your clue, Mike?"
"Well, " Mike says, condescendingly exasperated. "You were supposed to say, 'What's the color, Mike?'"
I was at dinner with my old lady last night, when my dad decided to reveal that when me married my mom, it was because they were already pregnant with me.
Also, my youngest brother was the result of a botched vasectomy, the painful ordeal of which he described in great detail.
Jesus Christ, dad.
I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
I was apparently unplanned, and my dad wanted to abort me.
My sister was a celebratory shag after my mum had recovered from having me (I was a big baby).
hi5?
So my brother was hanging out at my house with his wife. Mine was there too, and we put all the kids to bed.
Some how all started talking about tits. The conversation turn to whos tits weer better, my wife or his. I of course said mine and he said his. I saaid the only way we could be sure is if we compaired them. He agreed. Then he said to do that, we have to see them.
They were both game for that.
So my wife whipped out hers. Then his wife did the same.
So we are all standing there pointing out what is what on the both of them. I say "A"(my wife) is better just because the are larger and more full. He said that's BS because "R"(his wife") felt better despite the size.
Well, there was only one way to solve this. He felt A's tit with me and I felt R's with him. The girls started talking about boobs. Who was better and what not. Then they felt each other up.
It was odd as hell, but my wife has the better boobs by vote.
Shakespearean incest is hot.
You do realize this was all just an elaborate ploy by your brother to squeeze your wife's titties, right?
A pretty brilliant ploy, actually.
The fact that you decided to post that in the Strange/Embarrassing thread is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy for that child's future stories.
No shit, I didn't know where else to post it, I had a chat thread open, so why not? Lol
Fuck I'm stoked.
Wait, wait, there may be a way to get out of this.
Are you sure it's hers?
Congrats and get ready for your world to be rocked.
Considering her husband's been shooting blanks for the last 6 years...yes...
*WHOOPS!* now does it qualify for the topic?
You have to be kidding me