I’ll never forget the first time I tried to come out to my mom and she stopped me halfway and said “are you gay because it’s okay if you are” and through tears my response was “no, worse”
I had a meeting with my company-assigned mentor yesterday, about some problems I'm having with my manager. I'm...hard to manage. But then again, if you have me on your team, it's because you wanted senior tech staff. As such, I'm going to tell you when your technical plan is bad, and tell you a better technical plan. To do anything less would not be to fulfill my work role. But also: I sort of enjoy social conflict; I'm fractious and arrogant. And of course, I don't actually read as a cis guy. At all. So I'm a kinda abrasive, opinionated person in a technical field, and you would instinctively read me as female, which makes everything I do about a million times worse. Well, plus, the manager has anecdotally been known to be uncomfortable around ~the gays~. He's a real like...red-blooded man's man american type. Called anxiety issues 'avocado toast' the other day, which take 5 seconds to think about it and he clearly meant to be dismissive about mental health issues and suggest that millennials are whiny/sensitive/etc (no one really picked up the implications and told him that was inappropriate coming from a manager to underlings; I thought about it but elected not to cause I'm already skating on really thin ice with him, and he determines my raise/bonus.)
Anyway--the point here is, my mentor tells me that 95% of people are basically guided by social normalcy; they really want to be one of the group and not stand out. And I had to be like, look, but, first of all, I've never been into agreeing for sake of agreeing, and second of all, I am obviously transgressing social norms just by existing. It is actually impossible for me to be socially normal even if I wanted to, because you take one look at me and go, whoa, that person's gender expression falls well outside of what is expected.
And it made him sort of stop and think for a moment; and also he reassured me that he likes having people like me on his team because a skeptic makes a technical product better (but my manager, being a consultant to the core, doesn't care if the work we do is actually /good/--but I'm trying to get away from under him, so)(but this mentor is very nice and has my back; I like him).
I don't know; it's something that I both have and haven't thought about, how this psych condition or demographic membership or inescapable identity thing just makes it so I /cannot/ be socially normal, even if I try. It's really...well, I don't know. It's a good thing I've always had a counterculture bent anyway. But then I fell into government contracting which is as normal as it gets, and there's a lot of tension there. It's a lot of extra burden to carry around day to day, not that I need to tell anyone here that.
I don’t think it was at all? There are good parents and there are bad parents and as long as you’re not like “nyehhhhh my mom is better than your mom and you deserve mistreatment” I think it’s okay to tell the good stuff too
my mentor tells me that 95% of people are basically guided by social normalcy; they really want to be one of the group and not stand out. And I had to be like, look, but, first of all, I've never been into agreeing for sake of agreeing, and second of all, I am obviously transgressing social norms just by existing. It is actually impossible for me to be socially normal even if I wanted to. ... It's a good thing I've always had a counterculture bent anyway.
i feel like this exact thing here has driven a lot of my personal growth throughout my life.
it's like, cool, alright, i'm gonna be weird my entire life, by default. might as well make the most of it.
i had that realization at a really young age, like 4 or 5, and i think it was ultimately liberating.
been through a lot of shit but never fell for most of the peer pressure traps, so it probably balances.
It needn't be society as a whole. People want to be a part of the group but that group can be quite small. Even counterculture is, in its own way, a group of people who have found their social normalcy.
I have built so many layers of social coping mechanisms revolving around mimicry and protocol that I wouldn't know what normal is if it bit me on the nose.
I think it's overstated how "socially normal" the majority of people are, it's just that some people are better at appearing such to others.
Someone on here once said "everything is a fluid if you zoom out far enough" and I think the same sort of applies to "socially normal".
I'm trying to make the point here that I *cannot* appear as socially normal, whether I am or not. Other people have the option; I don't.
In addition to being able to affect a set of behaviors and appearances that are normal, I am really seeing a contrast between people who want to be part of a group/don't want to make waves and someone like me who prioritizes other things (like, in a work setting, the quality of the actual fucking deliverable arghghghghgh it is so frustrating that doing good work means antagonizing my manager.)
It needn't be society as a whole. People want to be a part of the group but that group can be quite small. Even counterculture is, in its own way, a group of people who have found their social normalcy.
I mean my challenge, as stated above, is to deal with my work environment, which is a big 4 consulting firm and specifically government contracting within that. Its 'social normalcy' is pretty close to what you'd get if you asked a bunch of (rich, white) people what they thought of as normal, and this is the environment where I spend 40+ hours a week, so it's pretty important to me that I manage to exist in it relatively comfortably.
I am lucky to have a few solid friends and they never make me feel weird or out of place, so my non-work life is, as you said, where I've found a different 'normal.'
I think it's mostly just social skills that you develop over time. Like in a work environment people usually gradually find an equilibrium that is ideally acceptable for all parties. Like most people do not act the same way in their private and professional lives. Part of the reason corporate culture can be so weird is because it's an instance where all the local societal norms are being totally defined by the top instead of in a more organic manner.
Your manager seems like an ass because one of the key parts of being a manager is, well, managing how the people under them interact and work together. A manager that ever develops a personal beef with one of their employees is a bad manager, period. That's literally antithetical to one of a manager's most important roles; making sure people, who aren't robots, can cooperate in a way that is ultimately productive.
+6
MsAnthropyThe Lady of Pain Breaks the Rhythm, Breaks the Rhythm, Breaks the RhythmThe City of FlowersRegistered Userregular
I think it's overstated how "socially normal" the majority of people are, it's just that some people are better at appearing such to others.
Someone on here once said "everything is a fluid if you zoom out far enough" and I think the same sort of applies to "socially normal".
I'm trying to make the point here that I *cannot* appear as socially normal, whether I am or not. Other people have the option; I don't.
In addition to being able to affect a set of behaviors and appearances that are normal, I am really seeing a contrast between people who want to be part of a group/don't want to make waves and someone like me who prioritizes other things (like, in a work setting, the quality of the actual fucking deliverable arghghghghgh it is so frustrating that doing good work means antagonizing my manager.)
It needn't be society as a whole. People want to be a part of the group but that group can be quite small. Even counterculture is, in its own way, a group of people who have found their social normalcy.
I mean my challenge, as stated above, is to deal with my work environment, which is a big 4 consulting firm and specifically government contracting within that. Its 'social normalcy' is pretty close to what you'd get if you asked a bunch of (rich, white) people what they thought of as normal, and this is the environment where I spend 40+ hours a week, so it's pretty important to me that I manage to exist in it relatively comfortably.
I am lucky to have a few solid friends and they never make me feel weird or out of place, so my non-work life is, as you said, where I've found a different 'normal.'
I’ve done the consulting thing. I feel the pain. So many people in that world just want to get something meeting the minimum stipulations of the contract done and move on to new business, with no regard for their client’s actual best interests. People are so afraid of causing offense—both internally and externally—that they willingly produce shitty work.
You actually strike me as someone who is likely easy to manage... for someone who isn’t a micro-managing control freak. I imagine if they tell you the goal, the timelines, and what resources are available, then you can probably run with things?
I think it's overstated how "socially normal" the majority of people are, it's just that some people are better at appearing such to others.
Someone on here once said "everything is a fluid if you zoom out far enough" and I think the same sort of applies to "socially normal".
I'm trying to make the point here that I *cannot* appear as socially normal, whether I am or not. Other people have the option; I don't.
In addition to being able to affect a set of behaviors and appearances that are normal, I am really seeing a contrast between people who want to be part of a group/don't want to make waves and someone like me who prioritizes other things (like, in a work setting, the quality of the actual fucking deliverable arghghghghgh it is so frustrating that doing good work means antagonizing my manager.)
It needn't be society as a whole. People want to be a part of the group but that group can be quite small. Even counterculture is, in its own way, a group of people who have found their social normalcy.
I mean my challenge, as stated above, is to deal with my work environment, which is a big 4 consulting firm and specifically government contracting within that. Its 'social normalcy' is pretty close to what you'd get if you asked a bunch of (rich, white) people what they thought of as normal, and this is the environment where I spend 40+ hours a week, so it's pretty important to me that I manage to exist in it relatively comfortably.
I am lucky to have a few solid friends and they never make me feel weird or out of place, so my non-work life is, as you said, where I've found a different 'normal.'
I’ve done the consulting thing. I feel the pain. So many people in that world just want to get something meeting the minimum stipulations of the contract done and move on to new business, with no regard for their client’s actual best interests. People are so afraid of causing offense—both internally and externally—that they willingly produce shitty work.
You actually strike me as someone who is likely easy to manage... for someone who isn’t a micro-managing control freak. I imagine if they tell you the goal, the timelines, and what resources are available, then you can probably run with things?
Correct! I'm a phd who's been doing independent research and development work with no supervision since I was a senior in college; all I need to know are the objectives and I will come up with a technical plan and timeline and execute it (including directing a few others in executing parts of it, if others are available). I'll then happily explain my work in terms understandable to the layman and make pretty powerpoints about it for the client, as well as generating concise and well-written of weekly status reports to my boss and monthly reports to the client.
I'm actually a fantastic employee if you aren't a former marine authoritarian micromanager who requires constant ass-kissing and is made uncomfortable by queer people!
As soon as I even started describing the situation, my mentor was like "Would other team members agree that [manager] is like this?" "They'd agree that they see him act like this to me, but not to them." "Are the other team members yes-men?" "100%" "Ah, ok..."
(fortunately, the next team leader I'm likely to have is a black gay data scientist who is my level of seniority in terms of job title and a couple of years younger than me; he's awesome and keeps dragging me to all these gay happy hours. We get along socially and I think he's likely to just let me do my thing if he's on my team. I also respect him a lot as someone with tons of institutional knowledge and project management skills; if I wanted to be better at being a consultant (who actually delivers good work while successfully navigating politics) I'd emulate him.)
Steam, LoL: credeiki
+11
AnialosCollies are love, Collies are life!Shadowbrook ColliesRegistered Userregular
This made me cry and I think the thread would appreciate it.
He pulled that shit a second time on me when he said he would be wary of prescribing me ritalin because of my anxiety but didn't offer me any solution
Also hinted at problems I might have on the job market because of my ADD + being trans, I already know (long-term unemployment among trans people in Austria is around 50% according to university)
Anxiety is mostly my social anxiety but here I am walking around like a leper (this concealer sucks at making my shadow go away bc my skin is too light)
Lady tried to talk to me but went silent when she heard my voice
Erin The RedThe Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMABaton Rouge, LARegistered Userregular
Slowly pushing forward with getting my GRS stuff squared away. Got my doctor's letters sent in and now I wait to see what else needs to be done, and try dearly to save up money for surgery. Hoping insurance helps but there's a week long stay in the hospital so I assume it'll cost $$$
It's so *SO* bullshit that crowdfunding is probably the greatest enabler of trans healthcare in the US.
He pulled that shit a second time on me when he said he would be wary of prescribing me ritalin because of my anxiety but didn't offer me any solution
Also hinted at problems I might have on the job market because of my ADD + being trans, I already know (long-term unemployment among trans people in Austria is around 50% according to university)
Wow, gatekeeping aside, this guy sounds like a real shit psychiatrist in general.
He talked of the clinic but the secretary there is obstructing me He doesn't seem super-educated about trans issues, he seems extremely old school (thinks it's a sex thing maybe)
He pulled that shit a second time on me when he said he would be wary of prescribing me ritalin because of my anxiety but didn't offer me any solution
Also hinted at problems I might have on the job market because of my ADD + being trans, I already know (long-term unemployment among trans people in Austria is around 50% according to university)
Wow, gatekeeping aside, this guy sounds like a real shit psychiatrist in general.
He's supposedly a trans-friendly psychiatrist
I see how you could manipulate him by telling him you wanted to play with dolls
He actually has a really nice demeanor but I need to be angry right now so the other feelings don't come
+4
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Slowly pushing forward with getting my GRS stuff squared away. Got my doctor's letters sent in and now I wait to see what else needs to be done, and try dearly to save up money for surgery. Hoping insurance helps but there's a week long stay in the hospital so I assume it'll cost $$$
It's so *SO* bullshit that crowdfunding is probably the greatest enabler of trans healthcare in the US.
Fuck the healthcare system here.
It's shit here, too, and we're a country with socialised medicine. Trans care is just on the bottom rung, nobody gives a shit about it. There is nothing else you would have to wait multiple years to get a first appointment for.
He pulled that shit a second time on me when he said he would be wary of prescribing me ritalin because of my anxiety but didn't offer me any solution
Also hinted at problems I might have on the job market because of my ADD + being trans, I already know (long-term unemployment among trans people in Austria is around 50% according to university)
Wow, gatekeeping aside, this guy sounds like a real shit psychiatrist in general.
He's supposedly a trans-friendly psychiatrist
I see how you could manipulate him by telling him you wanted to play with dolls
He actually has a really nice demeanor but I need to be angry right now so the other feelings don't come
You definitely have a right to be angry, and nice demeanor or no, none of the things you've said about your interactions with him are what a good psychiatrist in 2019 should be doing.
I feel stupid because they're things/sometimes lies you're supposed to tell your psychiatrist so they don't gatekeep you
Ofc he asked whether I wanted to wear a dress as a girl
0
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
It's really hard because there are things you think were signs but then thinking that about those things can make you feel like you're buying into some stupid stereotypes.
I spent my life saying you don't have to like dresses and makeup to be a girl but now those are two of the things I look back on as signs I was never really a girl.
I went to see him because he was the only psychiatrist in my vicinity who shows up in a list compiled by other trans people
But he doesn't actually seem to specialize in trans healthcare (he didn't say "gender dysphoria" and repeatedly referred to mine as a type of "sexual orientation")
I suppose he could be on the list just because he might be comparatively "safe" to visit if you have some other problem and need a psychiatrist
Anxiety is mostly my social anxiety but here I am walking around like a leper (this concealer sucks at making my shadow go away bc my skin is too light)
As someone with basically the same problem (quite light skin, very dark / blue shadow), I've finally found the magic combination that works for me. I'll share in case it helps you. (One caveat - I haven't managed a quite 100% success with this just yet because I was using an out-of-date layer that cracked shortly after it was all applied, but it stayed just long enough for me to verify that it worked)
The main trick is layering. Here's the layers that worked for my situation:
Color corrector at the bottom in a peach / orange shade. I've had the best success with the stick correctors used for dark circles under the eyes since it's the same color. Apply and blend it thoroughly over the area.
This is important: apply a colorless, transparent, or light loose powder afterward and wait a minute or two to let the layer set! If you skip this step, the later layering steps might wind up rubbing it off instead, which is incredibly frustrating.
Use the standard concealers next. You can try Dermablend (people use that stuff for tattoos), Kryolan's Camouflage, whatever you can get at a reasonable price in your shade. Unless the instructions say otherwise, warm these in your fingers or on the back of your hand before applying to help it go on smooth and blend properly. While step 1 won't be your shade, you want this layer to be closer to your shade (perhaps a bit darker if needed to ensure that it covers enough, you might have to experiment).
As before, it's CRITICAL to apply loose powder here and wait 2 minutes before continuing.
Apply a foundation that's a bit lighter than your skin tone here. What you're doing is covering up the darker concealer used in step 3, which is why you go a bit lighter. This step should only be applied to the areas you covered previously, not the rest of your face. However, you still want to blend it out to prevent creation of lines. Apply lightly and carefully so you don't smear or remove the layers beneath. You can skip this step if the stuff you used in step 3 matches your skin tone and corrected the color. And again, apply loose powder and wait (30-60 seconds here, not as long probably).
Apply a final foundation layer to your full face. This should match your skin tone. At this stage for sure, use a brush instead of a sponge to protect the layers beneath. Blend low on the neck and watch the eyes and hairline. Finish with one last bit of powder (you can use a finishing pressed powder here if you like).
Of course this is just to get the base foundation layer. You'll probably want a touch of blush to restore some color that all this has obliterated, and you can do whatever you like on the eyes and lips. Don't skip those; brow-drawing and a good lipstick can substantially feminize. And of course there's advanced tricks like contouring, which you'd have to mix in there somewhere if you wanted to try that (I haven't gotten that far just yet).
One last thing is, don't get discouraged. It's going to take a bit of experimenting (and a bunch of money, annoyingly) to find the right shades, much less the right brands to use in this set. And you'll probably have to go with higher-quality rather than lower-quality in order to prevent caking and encourage blending with all these layers, which is even more frustrating.
It took me a few weeks to get a single successful application (which I then had to remove because of the aforementioned caking -- so I still haven't gotten to wear this out anywhere yet). During that time, I had a lot of discouraging thoughts, self-doubt, full-on depression. Setting your expectations in the beginning might help you avoid some of the worst of that.
I'm sorry it's been tough. Best wishes for improvements ahead!
And in related news, apparently the FDA just approved a bunch of at-home laser removal devices, which would be substantially cheaper than getting it done somewhere. So I'm going to look more into that, see if maybe I can fast-track some of this process. The same factors that make concealing a real bear happen to make laser quite viable, so maybe there's a rosy finish to all this just ahead.
Fleur de Alys on
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
He pulled that shit a second time on me when he said he would be wary of prescribing me ritalin because of my anxiety but didn't offer me any solution
Also hinted at problems I might have on the job market because of my ADD + being trans, I already know (long-term unemployment among trans people in Austria is around 50% according to university)
Wow, gatekeeping aside, this guy sounds like a real shit psychiatrist in general.
He's supposedly a trans-friendly psychiatrist
I see how you could manipulate him by telling him you wanted to play with dolls
He actually has a really nice demeanor but I need to be angry right now so the other feelings don't come
I dealt with a psychologist just like this: supposedly came recommended by other trans ladies, but dismissed me as "not trans" because I didn't wanna dress up like a 50s housewife. His irresponsible BS really messed me up for a while.
Keep in mind this was after an LGBT-focused therapist told me I was definitely trans.
Yo @platy regardless of everything else that is going on, congratulations on going out in public as yourself! That’s awesome and you deserve all the praise
Posts
in retrospect my answer should’ve been “yes, and”
I didn't take it that way. It just dredged up some of the bad stuff which some of us deal with.
I am genuinely happy there are good parents out there.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
For a while she was really concerned I would "turn out gay" and it was obviously a bad thing for her
Anyway--the point here is, my mentor tells me that 95% of people are basically guided by social normalcy; they really want to be one of the group and not stand out. And I had to be like, look, but, first of all, I've never been into agreeing for sake of agreeing, and second of all, I am obviously transgressing social norms just by existing. It is actually impossible for me to be socially normal even if I wanted to, because you take one look at me and go, whoa, that person's gender expression falls well outside of what is expected.
And it made him sort of stop and think for a moment; and also he reassured me that he likes having people like me on his team because a skeptic makes a technical product better (but my manager, being a consultant to the core, doesn't care if the work we do is actually /good/--but I'm trying to get away from under him, so)(but this mentor is very nice and has my back; I like him).
I don't know; it's something that I both have and haven't thought about, how this psych condition or demographic membership or inescapable identity thing just makes it so I /cannot/ be socially normal, even if I try. It's really...well, I don't know. It's a good thing I've always had a counterculture bent anyway. But then I fell into government contracting which is as normal as it gets, and there's a lot of tension there. It's a lot of extra burden to carry around day to day, not that I need to tell anyone here that.
I thought it was cute, to be honest.
i feel like this exact thing here has driven a lot of my personal growth throughout my life.
it's like, cool, alright, i'm gonna be weird my entire life, by default. might as well make the most of it.
i had that realization at a really young age, like 4 or 5, and i think it was ultimately liberating.
been through a lot of shit but never fell for most of the peer pressure traps, so it probably balances.
Someone on here once said "everything is a fluid if you zoom out far enough" and I think the same sort of applies to "socially normal".
I'm trying to make the point here that I *cannot* appear as socially normal, whether I am or not. Other people have the option; I don't.
In addition to being able to affect a set of behaviors and appearances that are normal, I am really seeing a contrast between people who want to be part of a group/don't want to make waves and someone like me who prioritizes other things (like, in a work setting, the quality of the actual fucking deliverable arghghghghgh it is so frustrating that doing good work means antagonizing my manager.)
I mean my challenge, as stated above, is to deal with my work environment, which is a big 4 consulting firm and specifically government contracting within that. Its 'social normalcy' is pretty close to what you'd get if you asked a bunch of (rich, white) people what they thought of as normal, and this is the environment where I spend 40+ hours a week, so it's pretty important to me that I manage to exist in it relatively comfortably.
I am lucky to have a few solid friends and they never make me feel weird or out of place, so my non-work life is, as you said, where I've found a different 'normal.'
Your manager seems like an ass because one of the key parts of being a manager is, well, managing how the people under them interact and work together. A manager that ever develops a personal beef with one of their employees is a bad manager, period. That's literally antithetical to one of a manager's most important roles; making sure people, who aren't robots, can cooperate in a way that is ultimately productive.
I’ve done the consulting thing. I feel the pain. So many people in that world just want to get something meeting the minimum stipulations of the contract done and move on to new business, with no regard for their client’s actual best interests. People are so afraid of causing offense—both internally and externally—that they willingly produce shitty work.
You actually strike me as someone who is likely easy to manage... for someone who isn’t a micro-managing control freak. I imagine if they tell you the goal, the timelines, and what resources are available, then you can probably run with things?
"The only real politics I knew was that if a guy liked Hitler, I’d beat the stuffing out of him and that would be it." -- Jack Kirby
Correct! I'm a phd who's been doing independent research and development work with no supervision since I was a senior in college; all I need to know are the objectives and I will come up with a technical plan and timeline and execute it (including directing a few others in executing parts of it, if others are available). I'll then happily explain my work in terms understandable to the layman and make pretty powerpoints about it for the client, as well as generating concise and well-written of weekly status reports to my boss and monthly reports to the client.
I'm actually a fantastic employee if you aren't a former marine authoritarian micromanager who requires constant ass-kissing and is made uncomfortable by queer people!
As soon as I even started describing the situation, my mentor was like "Would other team members agree that [manager] is like this?" "They'd agree that they see him act like this to me, but not to them." "Are the other team members yes-men?" "100%" "Ah, ok..."
(fortunately, the next team leader I'm likely to have is a black gay data scientist who is my level of seniority in terms of job title and a couple of years younger than me; he's awesome and keeps dragging me to all these gay happy hours. We get along socially and I think he's likely to just let me do my thing if he's on my team. I also respect him a lot as someone with tons of institutional knowledge and project management skills; if I wanted to be better at being a consultant (who actually delivers good work while successfully navigating politics) I'd emulate him.)
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
But I'm depressed partly because I don't have access to HRT
Fucking great
That is unfathomable quantities of bullshit.
Also hinted at problems I might have on the job market because of my ADD + being trans, I already know (long-term unemployment among trans people in Austria is around 50% according to university)
Lady tried to talk to me but went silent when she heard my voice
It's so *SO* bullshit that crowdfunding is probably the greatest enabler of trans healthcare in the US.
Fuck the healthcare system here.
Wow, gatekeeping aside, this guy sounds like a real shit psychiatrist in general.
He's supposedly a trans-friendly psychiatrist
I see how you could manipulate him by telling him you wanted to play with dolls
He actually has a really nice demeanor but I need to be angry right now so the other feelings don't come
It's shit here, too, and we're a country with socialised medicine. Trans care is just on the bottom rung, nobody gives a shit about it. There is nothing else you would have to wait multiple years to get a first appointment for.
You definitely have a right to be angry, and nice demeanor or no, none of the things you've said about your interactions with him are what a good psychiatrist in 2019 should be doing.
Trans healthcare is shit everywhere, I heard even in the Netherlands it's total shit
I wanted a doll, I wanted dresses, I've known something was up since I was 5 (although it was always a fantasy/a vision of a different reality)
But I still feel stupid saying it
There is a ton of social conditioning to work through and it's hard to really grasp just how deep it digs in until you start trying to unpack it.
Ofc he asked whether I wanted to wear a dress as a girl
I spent my life saying you don't have to like dresses and makeup to be a girl but now those are two of the things I look back on as signs I was never really a girl.
But he doesn't actually seem to specialize in trans healthcare (he didn't say "gender dysphoria" and repeatedly referred to mine as a type of "sexual orientation")
I suppose he could be on the list just because he might be comparatively "safe" to visit if you have some other problem and need a psychiatrist
The main trick is layering. Here's the layers that worked for my situation:
- Color corrector at the bottom in a peach / orange shade. I've had the best success with the stick correctors used for dark circles under the eyes since it's the same color. Apply and blend it thoroughly over the area.
- This is important: apply a colorless, transparent, or light loose powder afterward and wait a minute or two to let the layer set! If you skip this step, the later layering steps might wind up rubbing it off instead, which is incredibly frustrating.
- Use the standard concealers next. You can try Dermablend (people use that stuff for tattoos), Kryolan's Camouflage, whatever you can get at a reasonable price in your shade. Unless the instructions say otherwise, warm these in your fingers or on the back of your hand before applying to help it go on smooth and blend properly. While step 1 won't be your shade, you want this layer to be closer to your shade (perhaps a bit darker if needed to ensure that it covers enough, you might have to experiment).
- As before, it's CRITICAL to apply loose powder here and wait 2 minutes before continuing.
- Apply a foundation that's a bit lighter than your skin tone here. What you're doing is covering up the darker concealer used in step 3, which is why you go a bit lighter. This step should only be applied to the areas you covered previously, not the rest of your face. However, you still want to blend it out to prevent creation of lines. Apply lightly and carefully so you don't smear or remove the layers beneath. You can skip this step if the stuff you used in step 3 matches your skin tone and corrected the color. And again, apply loose powder and wait (30-60 seconds here, not as long probably).
- Apply a final foundation layer to your full face. This should match your skin tone. At this stage for sure, use a brush instead of a sponge to protect the layers beneath. Blend low on the neck and watch the eyes and hairline. Finish with one last bit of powder (you can use a finishing pressed powder here if you like).
Of course this is just to get the base foundation layer. You'll probably want a touch of blush to restore some color that all this has obliterated, and you can do whatever you like on the eyes and lips. Don't skip those; brow-drawing and a good lipstick can substantially feminize. And of course there's advanced tricks like contouring, which you'd have to mix in there somewhere if you wanted to try that (I haven't gotten that far just yet).One last thing is, don't get discouraged. It's going to take a bit of experimenting (and a bunch of money, annoyingly) to find the right shades, much less the right brands to use in this set. And you'll probably have to go with higher-quality rather than lower-quality in order to prevent caking and encourage blending with all these layers, which is even more frustrating.
It took me a few weeks to get a single successful application (which I then had to remove because of the aforementioned caking -- so I still haven't gotten to wear this out anywhere yet). During that time, I had a lot of discouraging thoughts, self-doubt, full-on depression. Setting your expectations in the beginning might help you avoid some of the worst of that.
I'm sorry it's been tough. Best wishes for improvements ahead!
And in related news, apparently the FDA just approved a bunch of at-home laser removal devices, which would be substantially cheaper than getting it done somewhere. So I'm going to look more into that, see if maybe I can fast-track some of this process. The same factors that make concealing a real bear happen to make laser quite viable, so maybe there's a rosy finish to all this just ahead.
I hope some of the head-turns I got were actually due to guys going "girl girl girl" but I don't know.
I dealt with a psychologist just like this: supposedly came recommended by other trans ladies, but dismissed me as "not trans" because I didn't wanna dress up like a 50s housewife. His irresponsible BS really messed me up for a while.
Keep in mind this was after an LGBT-focused therapist told me I was definitely trans.