QUILTBAG: Hi gay, I’m Dad!

Doobh · February 12

I heard women leading with an initial instead of a first name get more calls

there's a blatant amount of sexism in the tech industry, which is where I hear most of these stories from

Entaru · February 12

Erin The Red wrote: »

Entaru wrote: »

I am getting highly frustrated.

HR is ghosting me and since I switched my job search to my female name and resume I am getting far far less interest.

Welp all of this was to be expected I suppose.

Expected or not, that blows. A lot. I'm sorry HR didn't follow through on being there for you. Is there a way you can maybe loop your manager or director in on your communications to HR? Let them know that you'll go higher up if needed or something? Your rights being upheld and you being treated for respect is very important.

Also I definitely feel you on the job search. I used to not have an issue at all getting jobs before. Now I can't even get interviews. It's wild, since I've only gotten MORE skilled at stuff, not less. So what gives?

Sexisim gives.

I'm sure HR will eventually do something. They just have no urgency at all and from their point of view they do not have to.

Maybe I should have gone with a more serious name or something. No idea.

I'm a subject matter expert in Linux and knowledgeable in DevOps methodologies. This shouldn't be hard.

But then the Linux community is also the community that freaked out when the kernel maintainers implemented a code of conduct to treat people better so. . .

Eh, it'll all work out eventually.

Blackhawk1313 · February 12

Entaru wrote: »

Erin The Red wrote: »

Entaru wrote: »

I am getting highly frustrated.

HR is ghosting me and since I switched my job search to my female name and resume I am getting far far less interest.

Welp all of this was to be expected I suppose.

Expected or not, that blows. A lot. I'm sorry HR didn't follow through on being there for you. Is there a way you can maybe loop your manager or director in on your communications to HR? Let them know that you'll go higher up if needed or something? Your rights being upheld and you being treated for respect is very important.

Also I definitely feel you on the job search. I used to not have an issue at all getting jobs before. Now I can't even get interviews. It's wild, since I've only gotten MORE skilled at stuff, not less. So what gives?

Sexisim gives.

I'm sure HR will eventually do something. They just have no urgency at all and from their point of view they do not have to.

Maybe I should have gone with a more serious name or something. No idea.

I'm a subject matter expert in Linux and knowledgeable in DevOps methodologies. This shouldn't be hard.

But then the Linux community is also the community that freaked out when the kernel maintainers implemented a code of conduct to treat people better so. . .

Eh, it'll all work out eventually.

This sucks but isn’t surprising sadly. You shouldn’t feel bad about your name at all either, this is everyone else’s problem that propagates sexism, not you. Wish I could help but the best I can offer right now is a high-five from one Linux SME to another. I could also reach out to some of my contacts in the industry if you like for opportunities but I don’t want to overstep or anything.

Cambiata · February 12

A transwoman recently shared her experience in the games industry after transitioning. It's pretty goddamn depressing (and has convinced me, once again, to never join the games industry, as if I needed more evidence). The tech industry is bad re: sexism, but I fully believe games are worse.

Tweet link under if you want to read what she has to say, spoilered for how much it sucks. It's a whole thread, you can click through if ya wanna.

https://twitter.com/delaneykingrox/status/1090402436995473408

Brovid Hasselsmof · February 12

Slowly chipping away at the people I still need to come out to. Told another friend, we don't see each other much any more but I've known her since we were about 6 which is the longest I've known anyone. She responded perfectly. Then emailed my college classmates, 5 out of 8 have responded so far and they've all been cool.

Next job is my extended family. Still not sure how to broach things with my grandparents.

Also booked myself in for a tattoo appointment next week. Seemed like an appropriate time to get another one.

Stasis · February 13

This story is over 3 years old, but it just came across my FB feed and I thought it was still worth sharing: Girl Scouts reject transphobic donation and raise 3 times the amount independently.

Entaru · February 13

For all that complaining I just did I have an interview with a place that has a lot of diversity tomorrow.

Platy · February 13

I just saw a lady who works for a LGBT support group and it was basically a 70-minute speech in support of gatekeeping and the "triple diagnosis" requirement. She said if I go see the psychiatrist at the "transgender center" in May they might just send me home because I didn't yet spend enough time with a psychotherapist. She also stated again that I might be denied hormones as long as I suffer from depression.

She tried to defend all the gatekeeping by pointing out that the shift from conversion therapy only happened relatively recently and hormones used to be a last resort when the "problem" couldn't be addressed in any other way.

Super-disappointed.

OmnipotentBagel · February 13

Platy wrote: »

I just saw a lady who works for a LGBT support group and it was basically a 70-minute speech in support of gatekeeping and the "triple diagnosis" requirement. She said if I go see the psychiatrist at the "transgender center" in May they might just send me home because I didn't yet spend enough time with a psychotherapist. She also stated again that I might be denied hormones as long as I suffer from depression.

She tried to defend all the gatekeeping by pointing out that the shift from conversion therapy only happened relatively recently and hormones used to be a last resort when the "problem" couldn't be addressed in any other way.

Super-disappointed.

good lord that's all bullshit but "might be denied hormones as long as I suffer from depression".

"I'm sorry but as long as you're bleeding we can't do anything to stop the bleeding. You'll have to stop bleeding before we can give you stitches." FUCK OFF

Platy · February 13

I have an appointment with a psychotherapist in eight days and it makes me afraid that anything I'm unhappy with - such as my hair or the general mistreatment of trans people in Austria - might be held against me.

Also I often wish I would've started when I was younger, but if this lady is right, they would've just told me to masturbate to whatever.

Crying now.

3clipse · February 13

Fucking hell Platy. I'm so sorry.

Platy · February 13

Also I have the feeling from how everyone talks to you and the words that they use that you're not actually considered transgender until you have those three diagnoses and you're on hormones.

This lady was very happy with me and felt talking to me was a success for her because apparently everyone else seems to flip out at her?

My childhood autism diagnosis was also a big thing again despite her professing her lack of knowledge on the subject (like my first therapist).

Sterica · February 13

For whatever reason, assholes really love exploiting austistic people to cry crocodile tears over. Anti-vaxxers did it, and terfs/transphobes are doing it.

That you can be trans and have autism hasn’t occurred to these people is obvious but facts have never mattered to bigots.

Platy · February 13

It's great when someone went to university and got multiple degrees but they still take their ideas on autism out of TV shows and movies. Really unhappy with this feeling that I'll have to put on some kind of show and be selective with my information. I'm starting to understand why there are so few trans people here. Also unhappy with the thought that the therapist I'm going to see might've been involved in conversion-therapy-type shit (she's 65).

Platy · February 13

I desire hormones because my hair just keeps falling out and I basically have to cling to the fantasy I'll get something back. I'll probably talk to the psychiatrist about hair loss medication and see if he's sympathetic. I also feel like I already wasted a decade of my life and I worry about my age and it's not great.

credeiki · February 13

Platy wrote: »

I desire hormones because my hair just keeps falling out and I basically have to cling to the fantasy I'll get something back. I'll probably talk to the psychiatrist about hair loss medication and see if he's sympathetic. I also feel like I already wasted a decade of my life and I worry about my age and it's not great.

A lot of us here only started transitioning in our thirties or forties: you're in good company! I very much understand the feeling.

Also, I am really sorry that you are stuck in a location where your health system is denying you basic health care. I think you are aware of this, but none of this is your fault or reflects poorly on you in any way, and you are being extremely bold and resilient in pushing to try to get what you want.

Platy · February 13

I've never been in a relationship, never held a job outside university. I didn't really manage to fill this decade, I spent much of it depressed and feeling isolated and confused. I sometimes feel like parts of me got stuck at age 18 and not in a good way.

Elldren · February 13

Platy wrote: »

I've never been in a relationship, never held a job outside university. I didn't really manage to fill this decade, I spent much of it depressed and feeling isolated and confused. I sometimes feel like parts of me got stuck at age 18 and not in a good way.

that feeling of arrested development sucks so goddamn much

I am intimately familiar with it and

MuddBudd · February 13

Platy wrote: »

I've never been in a relationship, never held a job outside university. I didn't really manage to fill this decade, I spent much of it depressed and feeling isolated and confused. I sometimes feel like parts of me got stuck at age 18 and not in a good way.

I'm not trans so I never had to deal with all the crap you're dealing with here, but even so, my twenties were kind of miserable and I didn't meet my first real boyfriend until I was 30. He's my fiancee now, 10 years later. So it can get better. I hope it does for you soon.

Platy · February 13

I also feel like I'm stuck here until I can get rid of some of the stuff on my shoulders. This place can be lovely as long as you don't deviate from the norm too much but I basically wanted to leave since I was 6.

Fencingsax · February 13

MuddBudd wrote: »

Platy wrote: »

I've never been in a relationship, never held a job outside university. I didn't really manage to fill this decade, I spent much of it depressed and feeling isolated and confused. I sometimes feel like parts of me got stuck at age 18 and not in a good way.

I'm not trans so I never had to deal with all the crap you're dealing with here, but even so, my twenties were kind of miserable and I didn't meet my first real boyfriend until I was 30. He's my fiancee now, 10 years later. So it can get better. I hope it does for you soon.

I am in the same place, without the romance. I am also not trans, but I know how it feels to look back at the last decade and feel unfulfilled. You are a beautiful person regardless, and you live on no one's schedule but your own.

Platy · February 13

My emotional state is what it is at the moment, but thanks for the kind words everybody.

Platy · February 13

One thing I hate is how society treats women very differently according to their age. A lot of the books I bought have this stuff about how you have to use different makeup once you're thirty or how a trans woman might attract negative attention when she doesn't "dress her age". I worry too much about whether or not I'll manage to find a boyfriend but the idea that someone might love me and I might love them is high on my list of reasons to keep on living so there's not much I can do.

Entaru · February 14

Neighbor stopped his truck in the middle of the road to watch me shovel snow because I went out dressed as me. At least until I turned around and looked at him.

That was not a good feel.

MsAnthropy · February 14

credeiki wrote: »

Platy wrote: »

I desire hormones because my hair just keeps falling out and I basically have to cling to the fantasy I'll get something back. I'll probably talk to the psychiatrist about hair loss medication and see if he's sympathetic. I also feel like I already wasted a decade of my life and I worry about my age and it's not great.

A lot of us here only started transitioning in our thirties or forties: you're in good company! I very much understand the feeling.

Also, I am really sorry that you are stuck in a location where your health system is denying you basic health care. I think you are aware of this, but none of this is your fault or reflects poorly on you in any way, and you are being extremely bold and resilient in pushing to try to get what you want.

Yeah. I turned forty slightly over a year ago, and I didn’t begin any physical aspects of transition until June. I totally get how it feels.

As far as hair goes... I had pretty significant hair loss, and generally kept my hair shaved when in dude mode. Between Spiro completely suppressing testosterone and minoxidil, I’ve grown a ton back. Enough so that I may not need hair transplants nearly as badly as I thought I might a year ago. Everyone’s mileage will vary, but getting on finasteride and minoxidil should help you there, Platly.

Apocalyptus · February 14

Sterica wrote: »

For whatever reason, assholes really love exploiting austistic people to cry crocodile tears over. Anti-vaxxers did it, and terfs/transphobes are doing it.

That you can be trans and have autism hasn’t occurred to these people is obvious but facts have never mattered to bigots.

I'll just add that autistic people tend to prefer to be referred to as being autistic, not having autism.

You're right though that it is very telling and shitty how many people treat individual trans/gender diverse autistics, as well as interpret the fact that that autistic people tend to come out as gender diverse or gender nonconforming at greater rates than neurotypical people.

It couldn't possibly be that autistic people tend to be less likely to internalise arbitrary social conditioning including gender roles and assigned sex!

Doobh · February 14

I use either/or personally when referring to my relationship with autism

but I'm not exactly caught up on the discourse

Curly_Brace · February 14

Entaru wrote: »

Neighbor stopped his truck in the middle of the road to watch me shovel snow because I went out dressed as me. At least until I turned around and looked at him.

That was not a good feel.

That's incredibly creepy and rude of him!

Stay safe, okay?

Lucedes · February 14

Apocalyptus wrote: »

autistic people tend to be less likely to internalise arbitrary social conditioning including gender roles and assigned sex

this is true in my personal experience.

edit: this is my personal experience.

Erin The Red · February 14

Feeling cute, might delete

https://twitter.com/TheRoadVirus_/status/1096034687594704896

Erin The Red · February 14

Entaru wrote: »

Neighbor stopped his truck in the middle of the road to watch me shovel snow because I went out dressed as me. At least until I turned around and looked at him.

That was not a good feel.

Yooooooo what the fuck. Creepy stares blow. I'm sorry you had to deal with some leering so and so.

Hugs

credeiki · February 14

*shooting the shit in the office with coworkers I like and manager who I hate and who hates me*
*talking about boardgames*
Manager: “ I have a friend who does a board game night, but it’s y’know, strategy games that you have to really concentrate on and everyone’s very serious about it.”
Me: “yeah, I like that sort of game too”
Manager: “and anyway this friend is *slight pause* a homosexual so he calls it gayme night, like with a y. Isn’t that clever?”
Me (somewhat thrown off by ‘is a homosexual’, because hm. That feels odd in 2019): “um yes that’s pretty common in the community to call yourselves gaymers with a y...”

The phrasing throws me off so much. It’s not like derogatory or anything but it feels weird, as does the slight pause before saying it. Maybe he just wanted to set up the gay-mers pun without saying the word gay first? But I somehow don’t think so.

Alsoooo he kicked me off the contract without being able to point at a single performance problem on my part and in fact while calling out my technical excellence and if you tell me that our apparently irreconcilable personality conflict (which he is of course lying about and saying isn’t personal, while being unable to point at performance issues) is 0% related to my demographics...yeah, I don’t think so.

(The way our company works, I now have to poke around and look for another contract to take me. Should not be too hard tbh, and they do pay you in full while you are on the bench, but it is effortful and annoying and a bit stressful (and bench time hurts your ‘utilization’ metric which is a factor that determines the size of your bonus))

Erin The Red · February 14

"He's ...... A homosexual" feels a lot like a shitty relative trying to not be DIRECTLY bigoted by referring to someone as "a black" or "a hispanic"

It sounds off because it is, I think? It's really weirdly phrased

MuddBudd · February 14

And that sort of thing is exactly why I don't like using 'Gaymer'. It just feels clunky at best and sounds like a childish insult at the worst.

Psykoma · February 14

That there was a pause made me think he realized the word he wanted to use wouldn't be acceptable with the people he was talking to, and homosexual was the most polite term he was willing to use.

MsAnthropy · February 14

Yeah. ‘Homosexual’ gets used by religious right types a lot when they want to seem like they are being polite.

Doobh · February 14

I feel like I need to pointedly say heterosexual and cissexual/cisgendereds whenever people get weird about my stuff

Psykoma · February 14

My friend is in New Jersey and works at a university. She had a student who came out as trans to her, and asked if she knew any resources for transition.
She asked me if I knew any, but to be honest my transition plan was very deeply integrated with quebec medicare policies, and I don't really know what could help this person in the USA.

Do any american trans people here have resources I could send on to my friend to give to this person?

MuddBudd · February 14

Psykoma wrote: »

My friend is in New Jersey and works at a university. She had a student who came out as trans to her, and asked if she knew any resources for transition.
She asked me if I knew any, but to be honest my transition plan was very deeply integrated with quebec medicare policies, and I don't really know what could help this person in the USA.

Do any american trans people here have resources I could send on to my friend to give to this person?

The only direct knowledge I have of Trans resources in the USA is knowing through a friend that if you get a job for Apple their medical will fully cover your costs, including time off for recovery. Like even at one of the stores.

I will ping my friend though and see if they can point me at something more informative.

OmnipotentBagel · February 14

It's tricky because resources can vary wildly from state to state. Trying to find resources from a local source is good (reddit can actually be useful for that), especially when it comes to psychiatrists. If nothing else, a number of the Planned Parenthood centers in NJ can do hormones and they're decently insurance friendly and informed consent, so that's a place to start. That's where I started and they were alright

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center?location=NJ&limit=50

National Center for Transgender Equality is also a decent resource for legal stuff: https://transequality.org/

Penny Arcade

Quick Links

QUILTBAG: Hi gay, I’m Dad!

Posts