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Wife asked for a divorce
Dissociater
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm too hurt to even bother coming up with a throwaway account for this. But today my wife asked for a divorce and I'm just so heartbroken I don't know what to do. We both still love each other very deeply. And I think I'm in the bargaining/denial phase or whatever.
But I guess right now I'm just looking for advice and support.
There's a lot of backstory here so bare with me as I try to make it brief.
We met 4 years ago. She had come out of a 3 year relationship, and I was divorced with a 2 year old son who I had 50% of the time. She was born and raised in Vancouver and her family still lives there. I live in Toronto with my son. She's lived in Toronto for over 10 years and has always stated that she doesn't like Vancouver. About 5 months after we started dating her brother died of ALS. It was obviously very hard for her and her family. Shortly afterwards her father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. So it was a double whammy. But we carried on and after dating two years we got married.
During this period and for about 2-3 years before we met she had been seeing a therapist, which was a good thing. About 3-6 months after we got married, the therapist prescribed her with a low dose of anti-anxiety medication and then her doctor went on mat leave and as far as I know hasn't come back.
I noticed a change in her personality on the medication. For the most part it's been good for her as she doesn't agonize about little things anymore. But on the other hand I notice she's become more impulsive and prone to immediate gratification. So while she was a driven and motivated individual before hand, she's gotten fairly lazy. She doesn't finish what she starts and rarely follows through on things. She eats and drinks a lot more now, and will often do things for her own immediate enjoyment without thinking of the outcome. It's been a bone of contention in our relationship, and on her end she feels that my beef about this change has caused me to change how I interact with her. Which is probably true.
Nevertheless I really value her and she values me (I think). We're great companions and we communicate better than anyone I know. About a year ago we were talking about having children of our own. And she panicked at the thought. She knows that I'm effectively rooted to Toronto because of my now 5 year old son who I share with his mom. So he's my first priority and I can't leave Toronto. But she's worried that if we have kids then she can't ever leave Toronto either to go back to Vancouver.
This discussion morphed over time to become one where she just really wants to be back in Vancouver to be with her mom. She really identifies as a Daughter and just doesn't see a future or reality where she can be in Toronto permanently without always fighting that feeling of longing. Right now she's in Vancouver visiting her family. I was there with her for a week, but came back home for work about a week ago. When I left things were totally fine. She cried when I left, we had been talking again about having a family. She messaged me as I got on the plane to tell me she already missed me. And then Wednesday she brought up wanting to live in Vancouver again. Yesterday we discussed couples therapy, and then today while still trying to work through our feelings she said she just decided, over a phone call, that the best thing to do is just divorce and she'll quit her job, we'll sell the house, she'll say good bye to her step son and fade into the Vancouver sunset.
I'm just so shocked and devastated. Could she be having a mental break down? Is it possible that she's suffering from some sort of undiagnosed bipolar disorder? Could her meds have any affect here? Am I not seeing something?
I've left out a lot of detail I'm sure but that's the best I can do. It's 2 a.m. here and I can't sleep. My son is asleep upstairs and has hockey tomorrow morning at 8. I don't know what to tell him.
But I guess right now I'm just looking for advice and support.
There's a lot of backstory here so bare with me as I try to make it brief.
We met 4 years ago. She had come out of a 3 year relationship, and I was divorced with a 2 year old son who I had 50% of the time. She was born and raised in Vancouver and her family still lives there. I live in Toronto with my son. She's lived in Toronto for over 10 years and has always stated that she doesn't like Vancouver. About 5 months after we started dating her brother died of ALS. It was obviously very hard for her and her family. Shortly afterwards her father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. So it was a double whammy. But we carried on and after dating two years we got married.
During this period and for about 2-3 years before we met she had been seeing a therapist, which was a good thing. About 3-6 months after we got married, the therapist prescribed her with a low dose of anti-anxiety medication and then her doctor went on mat leave and as far as I know hasn't come back.
I noticed a change in her personality on the medication. For the most part it's been good for her as she doesn't agonize about little things anymore. But on the other hand I notice she's become more impulsive and prone to immediate gratification. So while she was a driven and motivated individual before hand, she's gotten fairly lazy. She doesn't finish what she starts and rarely follows through on things. She eats and drinks a lot more now, and will often do things for her own immediate enjoyment without thinking of the outcome. It's been a bone of contention in our relationship, and on her end she feels that my beef about this change has caused me to change how I interact with her. Which is probably true.
Nevertheless I really value her and she values me (I think). We're great companions and we communicate better than anyone I know. About a year ago we were talking about having children of our own. And she panicked at the thought. She knows that I'm effectively rooted to Toronto because of my now 5 year old son who I share with his mom. So he's my first priority and I can't leave Toronto. But she's worried that if we have kids then she can't ever leave Toronto either to go back to Vancouver.
This discussion morphed over time to become one where she just really wants to be back in Vancouver to be with her mom. She really identifies as a Daughter and just doesn't see a future or reality where she can be in Toronto permanently without always fighting that feeling of longing. Right now she's in Vancouver visiting her family. I was there with her for a week, but came back home for work about a week ago. When I left things were totally fine. She cried when I left, we had been talking again about having a family. She messaged me as I got on the plane to tell me she already missed me. And then Wednesday she brought up wanting to live in Vancouver again. Yesterday we discussed couples therapy, and then today while still trying to work through our feelings she said she just decided, over a phone call, that the best thing to do is just divorce and she'll quit her job, we'll sell the house, she'll say good bye to her step son and fade into the Vancouver sunset.
I'm just so shocked and devastated. Could she be having a mental break down? Is it possible that she's suffering from some sort of undiagnosed bipolar disorder? Could her meds have any affect here? Am I not seeing something?
I've left out a lot of detail I'm sure but that's the best I can do. It's 2 a.m. here and I can't sleep. My son is asleep upstairs and has hockey tomorrow morning at 8. I don't know what to tell him.
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I think it’d be inappropriate for anyone to speculate as to her mental state. There are so many reasons that could be factoring into her decision and all we have is this brief post to go off of.
You say ‘am I not seeing something’ yet in your post you describe some pretty major issues in your marriage.
It’s hard but unfortunately I think you just need to wait until you can talk further with her, hopefully in person.
Edit: Although it may also be prudent to seek legal advice, other posters might be able to advise better in that area.
She doesn’t seem like she is having a breakdown to me. She seems like she has decided your life goals are incompatible (need to live in different cities) and it would be unfair to bring kids into that impossible situation.
As someone who went through a lengthy, and at times nasty, divorce I will give you the following advice.
Be Civil. Words cannot be unsaid. You surely feel hurt, and our instinct is to lash out. Don't do it. Keep a cool head, and if you feel that you are getting upset while talking with her on the phone for instance, tell her you need to go, and get off the phone. If you care about her as much as you say you do, you will want her to be happy, even if that is not with you.
I wish you the best of luck OP.
Look, it makes total sense that she would "identify as a daughter" (boy that is a weird way to put that) right now. Her brother died of a degenerative disease not too long ago, her father was just diagnosed with another one, and she wants to be with her mom. She wants to be with her mom, who needs her, more than she wants to be in Toronto, and that's understandable. You can't leave Toronto, and her family is in Vancouver. One of the few things in this world you can never get back is time with a dying loved one, or the chance to support and get support from another loved one during that time. It sounds like, given time to go back and forth with herself, she's decided what she really wants is to be with them while she can. She knows you can't come with her, so I can see why she would feel this way. If she's having a breakdown, it's not unreasonable to suggest it could be from the stress of watching multiple family members deteriorate because of terminal diseases practically one right after the other. That shit will wreck a person.
i think you need to offer to sell the house and let her move back to vancouver, and make sure she knows she can do it for as long as she needs - perhaps permanently. you also need to simultaneously make it clear that you want to be in her future, but you're working with her one step at a time. selling a house is a financial hit big enough to feel apocalyptic, and also symbolic of a broken relationship, and perhaps she's made the natural link between the two. you might have luck if you separate the two concepts and let her understand that you're willing to sacrifice something massive for her wellbeing, and move yourself somewhere more modest in the meantime to facilitate what may be her extended grieving process
I agree that you need to be able and willing to make significant personal sacrifices if you're going to save your marriage. Considering that you have a son and a custody agreement with his mother, you may legitimately not be in a position to make them. How is your relationship with your ex? Do you think you could come to terms with her about moving to BC?
When I made my original post I was in a really dark place, by myself and in grief. Right now things are somewhat better so thanks for the responses everyone. When it comes to the medication thing, that's part of my own failing. I tend to try to look for patterns in things and overthink it. And we've spent a lot of time talking about this and I think we're in a mentally better place where we understand where eachother's coming from a lot more. But there's still a lot of work to do.
If you had a different custody agreement, you might be able to move to Vancouver. Some parents who live far apart have an agreement where one parent gets termtime and the other gets school holidays. Could that be an option?
I'd suggest an individual therapist for you as well as the couples counseling so you can work out your feelings and path from here.
Yes, this. If I could agree more than once I would.
I can absolutely relate with her, as I also had a very close relationship with my late mother, and when she needed me it was a given that she would come first, ahead of any other priorities. The best you can do is support her in doing what she feels she needs to do, and let her know you're there for her, even if there's going to be some distance between you two for the time being.
It's important to stay in therapy because it's always possible she'd want to stay there and you two need to sort that out. It sucks but you need to listen to her and believe her.
I'm not saying don't sell. I'm saying don't sell hoping that it will fix things. Without realistic guidance through a divorce or plan to relocate as a family that would be an emotional gamble on finances.
Even if the relationship becomes long distance, it might be cheaper to pay the mortgage than rent depending on the market.