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Divorce Happy Fun Times



  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited July 2019
    I understand the crushing anxiety that comes from not knowing how something serious will turn out so you put it off. I'm not going to rag on you there. Also fair enough on the moving costs. Just so you're not on the lease, utilities, etc.

    However - and this is something that a divorce lawyer can help you with - you are still married to her. A contract exists between the two of you that potentially makes you responsible for her debts. She hasn't got a plan and she's moved into an apartment. I don't know what her work situation is, but it sounds like she's adopted a "let it ride" approach to finances. What happens when she runs up more debt?

    This is a rip the band aid off situation. Reach out for recommendations and check your local state bar website for a divorce law section - find the name of someone involved with that (president, chair, etc.) and call them. Set some meetings with one or two attorneys (these are typically free) and start making a plan.

    I genuinely hope this all works out for you, I do, but it sounds like best efforts did not fix things. You are not alone, you are not the first person to go through this, and you cannot place all the blame upon yourself.

    [edit] I just made the assumption that you're in a big city with associations like that. If not don't worry. There may also be a state bar referral service that you can call. In Texas they should give you 3 referrals, but your mileage may vary depending upon where you live. Also reach out to close friends who have been through this in your area. If no one else knows about this situation then this is another band aid, but it will come out eventually.

    John Matrix on
  • NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    JaysonFour wrote: »
    So she gets to be a parent when she feels like it, you're paying her bills, she doesn't live with you, she's continued to engage in behavior you've agreed is not okay, and she's messed up the finances that directly affect you and your son.

    I'll admit it's been a while since I read this thread so there may be some extenuating circumstances, but why haven't you met with a divorce lawyer? Please save all email, texts, voicemail etc. - not only for your lawyer, but also for your son years down the road. One day he deserves the truth.

    Seconded. I mean, take a step back and look at your post.

    "I also, as I reverted accounts back to me alone and started checking things, found out our daycare was 1500 behind, my car was a 1000 behind, power was 500 behind, credit cards maxed out from interest, etc. Lesson learned, don't let a SO handle bills. The damage so far is almost 4500 in behind bills to get caught up with almost 10000 in credit cards."

    "I paid the deposits, rental fees, etc to get her into her apartment at her request. I have no idea what her plan is or what she's doing."

    Sounds like her plan at the moment is to just keep on sponging off of you while she runs off to do who knows what with whoever. She's completely taking advantage of you, nearly lost you your car, got your kid kicked out of daycare, lights turned off, credit shot to hell... she doesn't want any part of this marriage. She doesn't want her son around, but she'll happily take your money and get you to pay for everything.

    Talk to a lawyer and have them pull bank statements if you're too squeamish to. Figure out where that money went and why, and you'll have your answer. But as long as you keep making excuses for her, she's going to keep sucking you dry. She gets money, a free apartment, not having to worry about her son, and out from under your watchful eye.

    Just what the hell are you getting out of all of this? More grief, more stress, more worrying, more work.

    There is this quote I sometimes have to remind myself of when dealing with people who are good at pulling my heart strings.

    "Once is a fluke, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."

    We are so, so very far into enemy action. I hate to see someone being so reactive in terms of protecting themselves, instead of proactive. You really need to jump on that divorce and get all your ducks in a row. Especially if she's been pocketing tons of money by not paying bills. It's just as wrong for her to try to hide assets as yourself during a divorce. And all this "We agreed to take her name off our joint accounts" only makes you look like a monster cutting her off unless you have it in writing, and she starts the divorce telling a different story.

    All these actions your taking off the books, while still married, based on informal verbal agreements can and will be used to damn you in court. If that's not her plan now, it will be once she talks to her own attorney dedicated towards getting their client the best settlement they can get.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Are you a signatory on the lease, or just provided her with the cash? Because if she bails on paying those bills and your name is on there, you're liable.

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    To emphasize what was said above, as her spouse you are still contractually bound to her. Her string of terrible decisions is putting your son at risk because if she puts you into a joint bankruptcy situation, you will be unable to provide for your child. You need to resolve that.

    What is this I don't even.
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    you need a lawyer.

    if you are providing over 50% of financial support for your son, you are entitled to those tax benefits. also, you NEED to find out what all that money was blown on for three reasons. 1: not finding out sets precedence and will make it harder if not impossible to sort out in court later. 2: it can be used as additional evidence when you need to get custody of your son. 3: you WILL need the money. Be it for your lawyer, a vacation, or your sons college.

    I know you want to take it easy and you clearly still love your wife, but (and I hate to be so blunt), she does not love you. You don't have to rake her over the coals with your lawyer (when I got divorced, I specifically did not ask for child support or for her assistance with our house or credit card debt), but you absolutely need to make sure your son has a stable environment in both a mindset and legally.

    Capt HowdyDarkewolfeIrukaElvenshaeThroJansonJaysonFourMayabirdNightslyr
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited July 2019
    @Xaquin No, you are right. And I know that and am trying to deal with it.

    Out of the last 21 days, he has spent something like 6 with her. And again, that wasn't my choice, she selected that.

    I admit I did not think about how it could be presented with the accounts, etc. I would hope all the late things would help?

    My main concern his him getting to continue in his school, because its amazing. So I'm doing everything I can to hold things down. So he can go to first grade there, and hopefully more.

    Raynaga on
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    You're doing the right thing. Thanks for the update.

  • Anon the FelonAnon the Felon In bat country.Registered User regular
    This has been a hell of a saga thus far, Raynaga, and I have to believe there's dozens like me; sitting on the side lines, pumping our fist with a quite "fuck yeah, bud" when you move the ball a bit closer to the goal line.

    I can't even fathom how upside down you must feel, and your determination to do some measure of Good in this mess is nothing but inspiring.

    DevoutlyApatheticdispatch.oEncElvenshaeXaquinLostNinjaCauldCambiataKetarHahnsoo1NobodytynicLocal H JayJazzBanzai5150AlexandierArcanisTheImpotentMrGrimoireSmrtnikKristmas KthulhuNightslyrMoridin889GnizmoRendSyngyneMsAnthropy
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    FWIW I know someone whose daughter's sperm donor was a piece of garbage who went on to remarry and have kids he actually cares about. Every so often he and his wife would try to convince this girl to move in with them after another argument over why he should pay child support. He had her for Christmas each year and spoiled his kids rotten but never got her a thing. When she was 9 she would laugh and say "what's up with that?" and your heart could just break. Because my friend was a single mom and he had a wife and family and a house it was too risky to try to change the custody arrangement, and in case something like that happens you might want to try to get custody worked out in a legally binding fashion lest you run into something similar down the road. She's like 17 now or something and I don't think she has anything to do with him anymore, I think she finally sat down in court and said she didn't want to go anymore. Save your kid some awkward summers spent with disinterested "family".

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • mtsmts Dr. Robot King Registered User regular
    edited July 2019
    I also commend you for your ability to keep on keeping on. Its a time where progress may be measured in inches, but you are definitely in a cover your ass for later stage. It may not seem like big things are happening, but you laying the groundwork now will make things better for you. Not going to say easier since nothing about this will be easy, but you are fighting the good fight for a reason

    mts on
    LostNinjaXaquinKristmas KthulhuElvenshaeNightslyr
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