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Divorce Happy Fun Times

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Posts

  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited July 2019
    I understand the crushing anxiety that comes from not knowing how something serious will turn out so you put it off. I'm not going to rag on you there. Also fair enough on the moving costs. Just so you're not on the lease, utilities, etc.

    However - and this is something that a divorce lawyer can help you with - you are still married to her. A contract exists between the two of you that potentially makes you responsible for her debts. She hasn't got a plan and she's moved into an apartment. I don't know what her work situation is, but it sounds like she's adopted a "let it ride" approach to finances. What happens when she runs up more debt?

    This is a rip the band aid off situation. Reach out for recommendations and check your local state bar website for a divorce law section - find the name of someone involved with that (president, chair, etc.) and call them. Set some meetings with one or two attorneys (these are typically free) and start making a plan.

    I genuinely hope this all works out for you, I do, but it sounds like best efforts did not fix things. You are not alone, you are not the first person to go through this, and you cannot place all the blame upon yourself.

    [edit] I just made the assumption that you're in a big city with associations like that. If not don't worry. There may also be a state bar referral service that you can call. In Texas they should give you 3 referrals, but your mileage may vary depending upon where you live. Also reach out to close friends who have been through this in your area. If no one else knows about this situation then this is another band aid, but it will come out eventually.

    John Matrix on
  • NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    JaysonFour wrote: »
    So she gets to be a parent when she feels like it, you're paying her bills, she doesn't live with you, she's continued to engage in behavior you've agreed is not okay, and she's messed up the finances that directly affect you and your son.

    I'll admit it's been a while since I read this thread so there may be some extenuating circumstances, but why haven't you met with a divorce lawyer? Please save all email, texts, voicemail etc. - not only for your lawyer, but also for your son years down the road. One day he deserves the truth.

    Seconded. I mean, take a step back and look at your post.

    "I also, as I reverted accounts back to me alone and started checking things, found out our daycare was 1500 behind, my car was a 1000 behind, power was 500 behind, credit cards maxed out from interest, etc. Lesson learned, don't let a SO handle bills. The damage so far is almost 4500 in behind bills to get caught up with almost 10000 in credit cards."

    "I paid the deposits, rental fees, etc to get her into her apartment at her request. I have no idea what her plan is or what she's doing."

    Sounds like her plan at the moment is to just keep on sponging off of you while she runs off to do who knows what with whoever. She's completely taking advantage of you, nearly lost you your car, got your kid kicked out of daycare, lights turned off, credit shot to hell... she doesn't want any part of this marriage. She doesn't want her son around, but she'll happily take your money and get you to pay for everything.

    Talk to a lawyer and have them pull bank statements if you're too squeamish to. Figure out where that money went and why, and you'll have your answer. But as long as you keep making excuses for her, she's going to keep sucking you dry. She gets money, a free apartment, not having to worry about her son, and out from under your watchful eye.

    Just what the hell are you getting out of all of this? More grief, more stress, more worrying, more work.

    There is this quote I sometimes have to remind myself of when dealing with people who are good at pulling my heart strings.

    "Once is a fluke, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."

    We are so, so very far into enemy action. I hate to see someone being so reactive in terms of protecting themselves, instead of proactive. You really need to jump on that divorce and get all your ducks in a row. Especially if she's been pocketing tons of money by not paying bills. It's just as wrong for her to try to hide assets as yourself during a divorce. And all this "We agreed to take her name off our joint accounts" only makes you look like a monster cutting her off unless you have it in writing, and she starts the divorce telling a different story.

    All these actions your taking off the books, while still married, based on informal verbal agreements can and will be used to damn you in court. If that's not her plan now, it will be once she talks to her own attorney dedicated towards getting their client the best settlement they can get.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Are you a signatory on the lease, or just provided her with the cash? Because if she bails on paying those bills and your name is on there, you're liable.

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    To emphasize what was said above, as her spouse you are still contractually bound to her. Her string of terrible decisions is putting your son at risk because if she puts you into a joint bankruptcy situation, you will be unable to provide for your child. You need to resolve that.

    What is this I don't even.
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    you need a lawyer.

    if you are providing over 50% of financial support for your son, you are entitled to those tax benefits. also, you NEED to find out what all that money was blown on for three reasons. 1: not finding out sets precedence and will make it harder if not impossible to sort out in court later. 2: it can be used as additional evidence when you need to get custody of your son. 3: you WILL need the money. Be it for your lawyer, a vacation, or your sons college.

    I know you want to take it easy and you clearly still love your wife, but (and I hate to be so blunt), she does not love you. You don't have to rake her over the coals with your lawyer (when I got divorced, I specifically did not ask for child support or for her assistance with our house or credit card debt), but you absolutely need to make sure your son has a stable environment in both a mindset and legally.

  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited July 2019
    @Xaquin No, you are right. And I know that and am trying to deal with it.

    Out of the last 21 days, he has spent something like 6 with her. And again, that wasn't my choice, she selected that.

    I admit I did not think about how it could be presented with the accounts, etc. I would hope all the late things would help?

    My main concern his him getting to continue in his school, because its amazing. So I'm doing everything I can to hold things down. So he can go to first grade there, and hopefully more.

    Raynaga on
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    You're doing the right thing. Thanks for the update.

  • Anon the FelonAnon the Felon In bat country.Registered User regular
    This has been a hell of a saga thus far, Raynaga, and I have to believe there's dozens like me; sitting on the side lines, pumping our fist with a quite "fuck yeah, bud" when you move the ball a bit closer to the goal line.

    I can't even fathom how upside down you must feel, and your determination to do some measure of Good in this mess is nothing but inspiring.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    FWIW I know someone whose daughter's sperm donor was a piece of garbage who went on to remarry and have kids he actually cares about. Every so often he and his wife would try to convince this girl to move in with them after another argument over why he should pay child support. He had her for Christmas each year and spoiled his kids rotten but never got her a thing. When she was 9 she would laugh and say "what's up with that?" and your heart could just break. Because my friend was a single mom and he had a wife and family and a house it was too risky to try to change the custody arrangement, and in case something like that happens you might want to try to get custody worked out in a legally binding fashion lest you run into something similar down the road. She's like 17 now or something and I don't think she has anything to do with him anymore, I think she finally sat down in court and said she didn't want to go anymore. Save your kid some awkward summers spent with disinterested "family".

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • mtsmts Dr. Robot King Registered User regular
    edited July 2019
    I also commend you for your ability to keep on keeping on. Its a time where progress may be measured in inches, but you are definitely in a cover your ass for later stage. It may not seem like big things are happening, but you laying the groundwork now will make things better for you. Not going to say easier since nothing about this will be easy, but you are fighting the good fight for a reason

    mts on
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  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited August 2021
    So, I just reread this entire thread. About to see why. Good luck to any intrepid soul who actually gets to the bottom.

    2 years ago, I passed on the promotion and took a recruitment opportunity with a competing company that was a similar position, but capped at 45 hours a week. Way more facetime with my son. Little less money, but doable. New company is way more flexible, family friendly, off holidays, all of it. Haven't worked Black Friday in 2 years, in retail management - that's golden.

    Had a good friend move into the house as a roommate, we split rent, I covered all other bills. Son got a cool uncle, finances were OK, started to move forward with life.

    A year and a half ago, I get a call at work from one of her co-workers who knew me and everything that happened. She's at a local hospital, suicide attempt. They transfer her to a psychiatric facility.

    I drop everything and go. I mean, of course? Mother of my son. To condense, she's in there for about two weeks. A lot of I made terrible choices, I don't know what I was doing, etc. Docs reinforce her mental diagnoses when we all talk.

    She asks to come home. She misses her home, her family, she knows we love her and she loves us, and she wants to work to make things right. She has a disease that will always be there, but that she's determined to deal with.

    I let her come back. I offer my friend a three way split if he wants to stay, he says I'm nuts and won't be in the same room as her. I let him stay a couple months rent free to find arrangements as I'm basically kicking him out - this saved the friendship and we're still on really good terms.

    I had conditions. She takes her meds. She sees a therapist weekly. I handle all bills and money matters. She agrees to all, I help her move back in just like I helped her move out.

    Fast foward to two weeks ago - she says she doesn't know if she wants to be here. She knows I would walk to the end of the earth for her and that I'm the best person she's ever been with, but that it doesn't matter. I say she asked to come back, said she loved me and our son, and knew she made mistakes. Last time she did this, she almost died. So what changed? How do I know this isn't another episode, etc?

    Her response was that she's on the right meds now (she see's a really good psychiatrist for meds and a really good psychologist for therapy, made sure of both) so leaving this time would be different.

    I got the letters, etc she wrote saying she loved us and asked her if they were lies. She said I was the only one who cared when it happened, she was scared, so she thought we could make it work. I asked her what I could work on or do differently, she said nothing. I offered to go with her to the psychologist as he does couples too, she said wouldn't make a difference.

    I asked about our son's school and losing the house, and she said she honestly had not thought about that because she figured she would leave and he would stay here and I would figure it out (exact quote) I can't financially do that having taken the 45 hour week position, which after reminding her I got "Oh, yeah, that makes sense" as a response.

    I asked what the thought process was, and she said she wasn't sure. I say OK, let me know then because I've done everything I can do here.

    A week goes by, nothing. So, I start calculating how much I can get selling off the house things I won't need if we're not here - the grill, the CX, etc so we can finance whatever she wants to do. I tell her this is how much we can muster if we sell through the family stuff I'll never touch again after all this.

    She says "I thought we decided we would just stay here together until after 4th grade" which is when this school ends. We had no such conversation. I tell her this, she says she thought we did. Nope. Our son started 3rd grade less than a month ago, so looking at 2 years if that's what we do here.

    So, all this to say and (believe it or not) skipping A LOT I'm basically back where I started back in 2018 when I originally posted. So, great chance for I told you so here.

    Took a couple days off to deal with being the guy who's wife left him twice. I'm evening out much faster this time. Scar tissue and all.

    I guess my advice portion is, if both parties can do it neutrally (no worries here, I'm dead inside at this point) is a same house spouse/roommate situation feasible, or does it always end in disaster?

    I'm pretty much fucked either way, I can't afford for her to not be here without losing house/school and I can't walk for the same reason. If I do the split she loses my insurance (her job's insurance is awful) and it will get worse not better.

    It is the definition of a pickle.

    Raynaga on
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    whatever you do, don't let her get custody of your son again

    sorry man =(

  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited August 2021
    Xaquin wrote: »
    whatever you do, don't let her get custody of your son again

    sorry man =(

    No worries there, she didn't last time either. And like last time, she doesn't seem to have much interest in taking the lead on care. I know @ceres had a post that mentioned there was a family they knew that did the whole spouse/roommate thing succesfully. Trying to figure out how difficult/common it is.

    Raynaga on
  • SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    I have a friend who let his ex move into a spare bedroom after they broke up (girlfriend not wife, his place). He didn't charge rent because it was only supposed to be a few weeks while she found a place. Well she lost her job, hasn't gotten a new one, and is still there paying no rent over a year later.

    If she already sees you as a protector and emergency source of comfort & convenience, I would worry about stuff like that.

  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited August 2021
    I told you so is stupid.

    You tried and made a difficult decision.

    I think you need to seek therapy, because this isn't just a 'her' problem. It sounds an awful lot like a codependency problem and there are tools you need to help with that none of us can give you.

    Stay safe, keep trying to do the right thing.

    Edit:

    For clarity,

    Her attempted suicide had you come running and immediately shielding her from her decisions and avoid being alone. I don't know either of you very well, but you've just rewarded behavior that might make her try again in the future when things get hard. You're going to need help recognizing when you're being manipulated - your roommate/friend seemed like they made it pretty clear, but you didn't listen - you need help with that.

    dispatch.o on
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Hard fuckin situation dude
    This woman is literally making up stuff that advantages her and ignoring you. Enormous red flag. You thought it was one way, she informed you that it was some other way, and you're on the edge of just agreeing to that. No Bueno.
    She is gonna go off her meds in a few months, bring home a guy, and upend your life. She's going to expect you to live in stasis, pay for whatever, and not react when she treats you like a convenience rather than a partner and an adult. If you try the same, she's gonna lose her shit. She's gonna play on your emotions and not treat your genuine feeling with the love and respect it deserves - only accept it as a benefit to her and reject you when it's convenient in the moment.

    One thing I can really add is that your kiddo will be fine if you move. 3rd grade is plenty young. Changing schools in elementary is not a big deal in the course of your child's life.

    She will keep the insurance if you're still married, you don't need to be living together, or even in the same state. I mean you're not even talking about her responsibilities toward the support for your child, which she oughta be ordered to pay by a judge.

    I would recommend not making it work. Get a roommate again if you need to keep the house but no. If she wants out, she needs to get out. You have a life too, and a child, and your own dreams and aspirations. Putting your shit on hold for 18 months because it's convenient for a woman who doesn't want to share your life but does want to share your stability and success and stuff?

    That's not it.

    I can't say this strongly enough. You're embarking on the next round of the cycle we talked about in the thread. She hasn't been honest with you before and she won't be now.
    oqh5mqbmukxc.png

    Don't let her stay.

  • Bliss 101Bliss 101 Registered User regular
    Yeah, you need to minimize contact with her. Put your kid and yourself first, and realize that the dynamic between you and her can end up being damaging to your son. Don't even think about a lasting roommate arrangement with her. Those can be difficult to navigate even when both parties are stable, well-intentioned and operating in good faith (I lived with my ex for almost two years, although there were no kids involved). The situation you describe sounds like it could destroy everyone involved.

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  • mRahmanimRahmani DetroitRegistered User regular
    There was a quote I saw somewhere recently that seems tailor-made for this:

    "Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    No I told you so. If it makes it better or worse, this problem has happened so often it's a cliche, right? Recognize the good advice, you're not the first person in this unfortunate position. You're not bad, you're not silly. You're in a bad spot. Get the support for yourself and your son, you need to take care of yourself for his sake, he relies on you and you have to protect him from her bad decisions.

    What is this I don't even.
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    Welp, suicide attempt this morning. 10,000 mg of Topamax. Officers recommended an involuntary admission (called it an IOD?) and she's at the hospital now.

    We're in Texas where COVID cases are nuts because our citizens are nuts, so they won't allow visitation due to pandemic restrictions. Son is at school, not real sure what to tell him when I pick him up today.

    Get her through this, and then I guess me and him start apartment hunting? Can't put him through this any more.

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    I'm sorry dude.

    Yes, you need to remove yourself and your son from that situation.

    I will say you will never "get her through this" since that means her losing her free ride. She will always find a way to pull you back in.

  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    In First Aid, one of the primary lessons I've been told many times over the years is to assess a situation, and to recognize dangers or risks present that might cause a situation or environment with one victim to add further casualties.

    This is such a situation. Her actions, inactions, choices, and rash decisions are clearly harmful for her physical, financial, and mental/emotional wellbeing, but they are also impacting yours, and your son.

    The desire to aid someone who has been important in your life for so long even in the midst of making choices and declarations that harm you has a measure of nobility to it, but also clearly isn't sustainable.

    When someone is drowning, it is strongly recommended to throw them a life preserver, rope, or something else. Get too close and they'll latch on, and in their panic they'll push you under trying to catch a breath.

    Intentionally or not, from reading this whole thread, you're at risk of remaining in arms reach of a person who is impulsively acting in ways harmful to both herself and others around her.

    You and your son deserve better, and can't be held hostage (willingly or otherwise) to the whims of someone who seems to capriciously show disregard for your wellbeing.

    As MichaelLC notes, there will always be another crisis. Suicide attempts are often calls for help, this is well known and documented, but it can't be a veto card on you doing what is right for yourself and your son.

    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • QuantumTurkQuantumTurk Registered User regular
    edited September 2021
    Raynaga wrote: »
    Welp, suicide attempt this morning. 10,000 mg of Topamax. Officers recommended an involuntary admission (called it an IOD?) and she's at the hospital now.

    We're in Texas where COVID cases are nuts because our citizens are nuts, so they won't allow visitation due to pandemic restrictions. Son is at school, not real sure what to tell him when I pick him up today.

    Get her through this, and then I guess me and him start apartment hunting? Can't put him through this any more.

    That's awful and I'm so sorry.

    You may know, but just so you hear it again, this is not your fault. This is absolutely not your fault. This is the sort of thing that mental health professionals have trouble with and some specialize in, and you are so out of depth as to not even know where you are, because anyone would be out of depth here.

    You are doing what is right for you and your kid, and that's all you can do. You gotta cut her loose, and it's gonna suck. But this is not your mountain to move.

    QuantumTurk on
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    There is no 'getting her through this'

    She isn't your problem. There isn't a relationship.

    All of the things she has been up to are her problems, not yours. Losing insurance, not having anywhere to live, finding out she has no friends?
    That's all consequence of the life she's lived. There is no victim and you aren't helping her.

  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited September 2021
    I understand the sentiment. It is difficult to impossible to just leave my son's mom alone in a psychiatric facility. If for no other reason that its my name on the paperwork.

    I'm taking being dead serious about me and him apartment hunting once we get her out as a good sign. I have no idea how the hell it will work, but I had three police officers and an EMS team in our house yesterday morning. Thank god our son was at school. Can't keep doing it.

    That's good?

    EDIT: The house is empty as fuck with her in there and him at his grandparents.

    Raynaga on
  • TehSpectreTehSpectre Registered User regular
    edited September 2021
    This is it. The moment. This post.

    Leave.


    Get everything figured out while she is locked up. ALL OF IT.

    It'll be tough. Take a week off if possible and pour yourself into severing ties. Find and move into your new apartment or tell her she has to get one. I know people don't want you financially helping her, but pay for her downpayment or whatever and get her away. No more $ after shes out.

    File for divorce. Sell the house. GTFO, my dude. Multiple suicide attempts = sole custody for you and no child support.

    G O


    You deserve happiness. You can find someone else as crazy as that might seem now. Just. Do. It.

    TehSpectre on
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  • HappylilElfHappylilElf Registered User regular
    TehSpectre wrote: »
    This is it. The moment. This post.

    Leave.


    Get everything figured out while she is locked up. ALL OF IT.

    It'll be tough. Take a week off if possible and pour yourself into severing ties. Find and move into your new apartment or tell her she has to get one. I know people don't want you financially helping her, but pay for her downpayment or whatever and get her away. No more $ after shes out.

    File for divorce. Sell the house. GTFO, my dude. Multiple suicide attempts = sole custody for you and no child support.

    G O


    You deserve happiness. You can find someone else as crazy as that might seem now. Just. Do. It.

    I hate that this is almost assuredly the correct response.

    But this is almost assuredly the correct response.

  • JaysonFourJaysonFour Classy Monster Kitteh Registered User regular
    Follow Spectre's advice to the letter. Get the hell out of that town, and then cut her off cold turkey.

    If you give her one iota of attention- one dollar, one phone call, anything, you will be going through all this again and again because she'll figure out that it draws you right back to her and then it will never, ever end. She gets afraid of losing her free ride, she tries to kill herself, you're right back there to try and fix her, and round and round you go, swearing that this is the last time- until she does it again.

    You have yourself and a son to think about- is this the kind of thing you want your son to have to live through, over and over again? Repeating a cycle like this again and again is going to fuck his head up something fierce.

    In fact, I'd add one thing to Spectre's list- get yourself and your son some counseling. He's going to need it to help him process just how screwed up his mother is, and you need it because you're seriously thinking about staying involved with this bundle of nutso and sacrificing both your sanities because "she might get better" (she won't, from the sounds of it). You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and who is enjoying being broken.

    Call some friends and family and tell them what's going on- ask them for help, and then call a good attorney to help you through all the legal stuff to cover your ass.

    Most important: be there for your son. This is going to suck so, so, so bad for him and he's going to need a strong parent to help him get through this without too much trauma.

    steam_sig.png
    I can has cheezburger, yes?
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    Not sure where the thinking about trying again stuff is coming from. I'm basically working on 7-30-60-90 day plan, or at least trying to.

    The 7 day was get her physically safe and checked in somewhere so they can treat her, and get arrangements for childcare during my shifts this week as I've burned through all my PTO during this mess. Got her in inpatient now, and he stays at grandparents through the holiday. So, 7 day check.

    Next is make sure bills for the month get covered so nothing gets turned off (with her checked in, she isn't working and won't be for the forseeable future. Just cut our income by 1/3rd-1/4th.) Got that done. Next is figure out childcare for the rest of my shifts for the month and determine how long before she is released. So I'm in the middle of that now.

    60 is what living arrangements will be as it seems pretty much done that I'm going to lose the house. Need to find somewhere for me and him, separate from her, that is decent. Affordability shouldn't be an issue, but my credit rating will be as it never recovered from the whole "she stopped paying everything and it all defaulted" (my fault, ahould have been more involved on financials) from the first go-around. I'll also have to figure out where she is going to go, because it won't be with us. Maybe her sister? About the only family she has any contact with at all, and even they aren't close. She doesn't make enough on her own, tried that last time and she crashed and burned. Her problem long-term, short term have to figure out what that looks like when she inevitably gets out as who knows what her mental state will be.

    90 day is moving past it, ensuring my son is good and adjusting, and focusing on keeping things as stable as possible.

    Haven't even started figuring out the 60/90 yet, but I've made it up to middle of 30.

    That's the thought process, anyway.

  • ArtereisArtereis Registered User regular
    edited September 2021
    Your son being around that kind of condensed crazy is going to cause a lot more problems for him in the long run than moving. My wife's mother has narcissistic personality disorder, and at 35 she's still just now learning about the damage that was done to her. Just make sure he's somewhere stable, around someone stable, who loves him. He'll be good.

    Artereis on
  • GnomeTankGnomeTank What the what? Portland, OregonRegistered User regular
    edited September 2021
    Kids are remarkably resilient but I agree 1000% getting him in to a stable environment is the #1 most important thing. It sucks the instability is coming from his own mother, and that's a trauma you will need to deal with some day probably with therapy, but stability and love in the immediate term is the absolute most important thing. Moving is by far the lesser of two unfortunate choices in this case.

    This is going to sound incredibly callous but you do not owe her finding a place for her to go. I know you don't want the mother of your son to be homeless or destitute and I respect that to my core...but she has dug herself in to this hole and you've done far more than most people would have to help her get out of it. As someone with that natural protector/guardian tendency, I deeply sympathize with your thought process here. I just want to make clear that you really do have that right and no one should think lesser of you if you choose to exercise it at some point.

    GnomeTank on
    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • KruiteKruite Registered User regular
    Perhaps it needs to be repeated;

    Do not help her find a new place to live. That's her job.
    You should find a new place, try and recoup all you can from the house, file for divorce.

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Hey how's everything going?

  • valhalla130valhalla130 13 Dark Shield Perceives the GodsRegistered User regular
    Raynaga wrote: »
    Not sure where the thinking about trying again stuff is coming from. I'm basically working on 7-30-60-90 day plan, or at least trying to.

    The 7 day was get her physically safe and checked in somewhere so they can treat her, and get arrangements for childcare during my shifts this week as I've burned through all my PTO during this mess. Got her in inpatient now, and he stays at grandparents through the holiday. So, 7 day check.

    Next is make sure bills for the month get covered so nothing gets turned off (with her checked in, she isn't working and won't be for the forseeable future. Just cut our income by 1/3rd-1/4th.) Got that done. Next is figure out childcare for the rest of my shifts for the month and determine how long before she is released. So I'm in the middle of that now.

    60 is what living arrangements will be as it seems pretty much done that I'm going to lose the house. Need to find somewhere for me and him, separate from her, that is decent. Affordability shouldn't be an issue, but my credit rating will be as it never recovered from the whole "she stopped paying everything and it all defaulted" (my fault, ahould have been more involved on financials) from the first go-around. I'll also have to figure out where she is going to go, because it won't be with us. Maybe her sister? About the only family she has any contact with at all, and even they aren't close. She doesn't make enough on her own, tried that last time and she crashed and burned. Her problem long-term, short term have to figure out what that looks like when she inevitably gets out as who knows what her mental state will be.

    90 day is moving past it, ensuring my son is good and adjusting, and focusing on keeping things as stable as possible.

    Haven't even started figuring out the 60/90 yet, but I've made it up to middle of 30.

    That's the thought process, anyway.

    Why is this your responsibility?

    I went thru something like this, no suicide attempts or anything, in 2004 to 2005. My ex demanded we up and leave everything and move 600 miles away with little notice, and actually convinced me to do it, then told me she had been sleeping with her boss here in my hometown where we had lived. I lost my house, and cars and everything. Several months after getting to Miami, my 5 year old with no filter told me about eating dinner with Mr. Bruno and mom while I was working at a car rental place at the airport. Confront the ex, and this is just some random dude she met and had been eating dinner with while I was at work. This wasn't the first time. And she thought nothing about it, because "nothing was going on." Except she felt the need not to mention it until she was found out. After telling me about her boss. For a couple years, I let her drag me around while I got poorer and poorer and she told me I was the best man she'd ever met and who loved her more than any one else ever could. All the while she dated other men when she thought she could.

    I finally left her and moved back home, and she didn't want to get divorced. She wanted to stay married, but have me pay child support. I filed for divorce, and she still pretty much financially ruined my life, because Georgia also is heavily slanted towards the mother. The lawyer basically told me unless prostitution or drugs were involved, trying to fight for custody was a lost cause.

    Both my kids are in their 20's now, and both blame her for everything and still want to see me every chance they get. I see so much going on in this story that reminds me of my story.

    Seriously, the only advice I can give is that she has cut ties except to use your money to make her life better. She has done nothing to take your feelings into account at all, and you don't owe her financial security. She's an adult.

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  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited October 2021
    MichaelLC wrote: »
    Hey how's everything going?

    To the collective groans of the entire thread, she is still here, was released after 12 days inside.

    Apartment hunting results were awful due to the credit rating issues caused by the first go-around. The only places me and him could get approved for were worse school districts (if he can't keep his school I want to at least keep him in Conroe ISD, its the second highest rated in the state compared to Spring ISD which is near the bottom) or outright hellholes.

    She's seeing a new, different kind of therapist, taking the meds (which were adjusted) and so far its an uneasy peace? She's started to slip/spiral a couple times, but for the first time she recognized it was happening instead of just falling into it, did the worksheets/excercises from the therapy, and while it didn't prevent things completely it seemed to help minimize it.

    She put into writing with my lawyer from the first time that in the event things do go sideways, son goes with me. So that's locked in now - her idea, not mine.

    And she sat down with him and me and talked to him about how mommy's brain doesn't work like other people's and that's not and never will be his fault - that was per her therapist and his counselor's advice. He's still on honor roll, I check with the school weekly for any behavioral issues and by all reports he's doing fine.

    So, weird holding pattern in all. I'm looking at what I can do credit rating wise (debt consolidation or bankruptcy more than likely) because it looks like until I can get all that sorted out we're pretty stuck.

    Raynaga on
  • PowerpuppiesPowerpuppies drinking coffee in the mountain cabinRegistered User regular
    ty for coming back and keeping us up to date even if it is to our collective groans

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  • TastyfishTastyfish Registered User regular
    How granular are the ratings for school district? I know over here everyone wants "Offsted Outstanding" but there are layers of "good" below that.
    As an outsider who doesn't know any better, it does sound like things are better - but have you talked to her about how things are, other than what to do?

    "What we need to do (especially for a child) if a bad situation happens again", is a very different conversation to "what happened, why and how do we stop it again".
    Safety net vs changing behaviours kind of thing.

  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited January 2023
    Been a while, to be honest intentionally as time has been rough.

    But.

    She's been doing way better with the new therapist and psychiatrist - they are competent and seem to be good at their job. Apparently I deserve positivity? Who knew?

    It's weird to be appreciated daily, but that's happening again because of the doctors I think? Not sure.

    Either way kid is honor roll and STEM after school, so damn straight!

    Proud of both.

    She's made a bunch of progress, he's always been good. Maybe this entire godawful thread is a thing for how important mental health progression is?

    Not sure. But I hope so.

    Raynaga on
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    So, it's later.

    And things are even better.

    I say this emphatically- if someone you know needs help, GET TREATMENT!

    I would have never thought we'd be where we are. Hasn't been easy, but treatment is everything.

    Help is there if someone needs it.

    It's important.

    I'll put up my soapbox and go now.

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