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Relationship Advice
just_another_alt
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi Folks! I need to get this out somewhere and I'm hoping that someone may have some insight that would help me as my internet searches so far have not helped and I think have only made things worse.
I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years. It started off as mainly a sexual relationship, we bought a house, we improved the house and we eventually ran out of projects to work on together. These goals I think brought us together but we never learned to be more than we were. I have realized now after recently imploding with anxiety that I did things in the past that she didn't like so she shut me out, which in turn caused me to shut her out of other things. To me these were never conscious decisions, they just happened over time. We both grew apart and never realized that we needed to grow with each other as well.
A few years ago she began to realize that she may be more interested in a poly-amorous relationship. At first it was things like her wanting to explore her sexuality outside of our relationship which I had no interest in. This topic came up probably once every 10-12 months for the past 3 years and I feel as though each time it distanced me from her more as if I wasn't good enough for what she needed.
Recently she took a trip which isn't out of the norm but when she got back she brought up the poly option again and I blew up. This year I began to question my own needs and desires in life and when I blew up it was everything at once, all of those thoughts as well as everything she was thinking. Needless to say, things are quite rocky now. I have opened up more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. I have realized that the thing I need most in my relationship is quality time which she has not been providing me very much, more so in the past year as we stopped doing things together.
I am fully committed to doing what is necessary to repair the relationship and I want to believe that she does as well. The thing that is bothering me the most though is the poly relationship. It is that everything can be fixed but at some point that conversation will come back up and if I am not willing to open up to that, that will be the end of the relationship. I don't feel that it is fair to me to have to change in that manner for her and I don't feel that it is fair to her to have to change as well. This has all been discussed between us and she believes that it is who she is and not just something that happened as we grew apart.
I'm I crazy in thinking that it may be better off to not put myself through this pain again in the future by calling it now? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation with someone that wanted a poly relationship? How do you get over the feeling of being inadequate in that you can't provide them for all of their needs? How do I not feel like I would be second fiddle and just there to pay half the mortgage and take care of things when she is gone?
I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years. It started off as mainly a sexual relationship, we bought a house, we improved the house and we eventually ran out of projects to work on together. These goals I think brought us together but we never learned to be more than we were. I have realized now after recently imploding with anxiety that I did things in the past that she didn't like so she shut me out, which in turn caused me to shut her out of other things. To me these were never conscious decisions, they just happened over time. We both grew apart and never realized that we needed to grow with each other as well.
A few years ago she began to realize that she may be more interested in a poly-amorous relationship. At first it was things like her wanting to explore her sexuality outside of our relationship which I had no interest in. This topic came up probably once every 10-12 months for the past 3 years and I feel as though each time it distanced me from her more as if I wasn't good enough for what she needed.
Recently she took a trip which isn't out of the norm but when she got back she brought up the poly option again and I blew up. This year I began to question my own needs and desires in life and when I blew up it was everything at once, all of those thoughts as well as everything she was thinking. Needless to say, things are quite rocky now. I have opened up more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. I have realized that the thing I need most in my relationship is quality time which she has not been providing me very much, more so in the past year as we stopped doing things together.
I am fully committed to doing what is necessary to repair the relationship and I want to believe that she does as well. The thing that is bothering me the most though is the poly relationship. It is that everything can be fixed but at some point that conversation will come back up and if I am not willing to open up to that, that will be the end of the relationship. I don't feel that it is fair to me to have to change in that manner for her and I don't feel that it is fair to her to have to change as well. This has all been discussed between us and she believes that it is who she is and not just something that happened as we grew apart.
I'm I crazy in thinking that it may be better off to not put myself through this pain again in the future by calling it now? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation with someone that wanted a poly relationship? How do you get over the feeling of being inadequate in that you can't provide them for all of their needs? How do I not feel like I would be second fiddle and just there to pay half the mortgage and take care of things when she is gone?
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It's the later part I'm afraid =(
Break it off and save yourself the headache/heartache. It's not worth the stress or the grief.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
Good luck.
You would both have to sit down to the table, understanding what poly means to different people (it is often characterized extremely poorly), and be willing to make adult choices about how to make each other feel safe, understood, and heard. If shes approaching it as "I get to go out and do whatever I want and fuck your feelings!", that's not how its supposed to work either, and probably a sign that shes feeling afraid of this impending breakup as well. If shes also interested in keeping the relationship going, couples counseling would be the best bet.
If the poly idea is a showstopper for you, and any sort of monogamous relationship is a total deal breaker for her, you are both sitting down at the table to just try to claim your resentment is the most valid, and that's a bad approach. If you cant really see it any other way, I would start to think about the cleanest way to split now before its more ugly. If you put couples counseling on the table and neither of you can think of a good reason to invest the money, time, and emotional vulnerability to the relationship, that would be telling.
There is no repairing this relationship if repairing it means "her not being poly anymore." She is poly and has been for a very long time, and it has come up repeatedly and will come up again. It will. It's part of one of you wanting more than one relationship and the other not being okay with being in a relationship with someone who wants more than one. It is probably going to end. And that's okay, just try to be grownups about it and recognize it as an incompatibility that has nothing to do with your relationship or how close or grown-apart you are.
Make sure you find one who is up-to-date on what poly means and the other hip trends that have come around in the last 50 years. From what I've read in the LGBT thread, some counselors are a little behind on these things and may not give the best help.
*Ceres/others - please blast me if wrong, I'm jut speaking from second-hand.
If you feel under-informed about poly and want to do some of the work to understand the whole landscape, The Ethical Slut is a easy to read overview of modern thinking about it.
She's going to meet with the therapist next week(I already have) and then we will be going together. At the moment it is about being patient while she works through everything.