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What's squishy, stretchy and transforms almost anything? ITS [Love]

1727375777899

Posts

  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    Juggernut wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    You already got one. It's called "earning wages."

    Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.

    Well. Months, certainly.

    Money is not real

    I remember the small amount I made as a E4-E5 in the late 90's {about 1100 a month} as you could live like a king on the base and once you walked out that gate you realized how poor you were

  • the cheatthe cheat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    WACriminal wrote: »
    Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
    Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.

    1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?

    2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"

    3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.

    4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.

    5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.

    6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.

    7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.

    Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!

    Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.

    you are overworked, and it is for sure negatively impacting your relationship.

    tKfL2Yd.png?1
  • RanlinRanlin Oh gosh Registered User regular
    the cheat wrote: »
    WACriminal wrote: »
    Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
    Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.

    1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?

    2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"

    3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.

    4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.

    5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.

    6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.

    7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.

    Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!

    Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.

    you are overworked, and it is for sure negatively impacting your relationship.

    Definitely. But also so is the partner not seeming to be an equal participant in the relationship. Like, including but also beyond romantically. Her being in another relationship probably wouldn't be much of a big deal if it didn't sound like it was instead of with you, rather than in addition, which your description makes it sound like.

    There's some perspective problems, too. You say she shouldn't have to deal with all the effects of her problems, but...neither should you, any more than she does. For example her not eating anything all day and relying on you to do it after a long day, repeatedly, isn't okay unless she's physically incapable of doing it herself, in which case she needs some adult care, though it doesn't seem like that's the case. I'm very very tired and afraid of sounding like an ass or being unhelpful, so I'm going to cut it short, but it doesn't sound like your problem is an open relationship problem, really, but issues within the relationship between just the two of you, regardless of anyone else. Which isn't to say you didn't mention having valid issues regarding dealing with her other relationship(s), but you're communicating about those and I think that would all be much easier to deal with if the (seeming) imbalance in investment and respect within your own relationship were improved.

    Apologies if I misinterpreted any of that.

  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Juggernut wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    You already got one. It's called "earning wages."

    Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.

    Well. Months, certainly.

    Money is not real

    But burritos are.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    I overthink too much as it is, having an additional person in the mix on either side might kill me.

  • PeasPeas Registered User regular
    Today i learn that sologamy is an actual word
    That actually sounds kinda sad
    I am lucky I got Miku at least as my partner

  • JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    edited October 2019
    Hmmm. I could marry myself?

    I can see the benefits but also I'm insufferable so it wouldn't last long before I'd be at my own throat. Then you get into the logistics of trying to divorce yourself. I'm a bastard so I can guarantee I would take me for all that I'm worth.

    Juggernut on
  • SolarSolar Registered User regular
    Honestly Juggs I think you are really negative about yourself. From literally every encounter and post I've seen on these forums of you? You're a pretty great guy.

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone.

    A lot is probably bad news bears though.

  • QuantumTurkQuantumTurk Registered User regular
    Echoing others, WAC you sound like your being burned up at both ends already, and have a difficult relationship on top of it. It is a tough row to hoe and I can't pretend to have an answer. Y'all are communicating which is good! And might be helped more by couples therapy but I understand if that's difficult to impossible.
    With you so busy and partner chronically ill you are right you probably both have some unmet emotional needs going on, neither of you can be everything for the other person. (Not that that necessarily means romantic partners are the right way to go there, but could explain why that can SEEM like an "easy" answer)

    Basically, that sucks but I'm glad you got some of it out.

  • OghulkOghulk Tinychat Janitor TinychatRegistered User regular
    I love my girlfriend. She was super tired (school teacher in October) but didn't want to send me home so she agreed to nap on my lap while I watched a college football game. She's so adorable

  • JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    sarukun wrote: »
    A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone.

    A lot is probably bad news bears though.

    I'm building up an immunity to it like hemlock incase anybody ever tries to self deprecate me while I'm unawares.

  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    Juggernut wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone.

    A lot is probably bad news bears though.

    I'm building up an immunity to it like hemlock incase anybody ever tries to self deprecate me while I'm unawares.

    immunities don't really work that way with poison...

  • Satanic JesusSatanic Jesus Hi, I'm Liam! with broken glassesRegistered User regular
    Sologamy sounds like my kind of jam. I could just go on holiday and call it eloping.

    my backloggery 3DS: 0533-5338-5186 steam: porcelain_cow goodreads
  • JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone.

    A lot is probably bad news bears though.

    I'm building up an immunity to it like hemlock incase anybody ever tries to self deprecate me while I'm unawares.

    immunities don't really work that way with poison...

    Now you tell me

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone.

    A lot is probably bad news bears though.

    I'm building up an immunity to it like hemlock incase anybody ever tries to self deprecate me while I'm unawares.

    immunities don't really work that way with poison...

    Except iocane powder.


    Obviously.

  • Brovid HasselsmofBrovid Hasselsmof [Growling historic on the fury road] Registered User regular
    I'm more about self-depreciation. Every day I make myself worth a little bit less.

  • SolarSolar Registered User regular
    Well

    I think that I am pretty decent and that all of your are too

    and I'm going to have a G&T and then go out

    So there

  • Munkus BeaverMunkus Beaver You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. Philosophy: Stoicism. Politics: Democratic SocialistRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone.

    A lot is probably bad news bears though.

    I'm building up an immunity to it like hemlock incase anybody ever tries to self deprecate me while I'm unawares.

    immunities don't really work that way with poison...

    I mean, for some poison/venom it does. There's a dude that developed a resistance to outright immunity to various snakebites from the amount of times he has gotten bit.

    Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but dies in the process.
  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    Solar wrote: »
    Well

    I think that I am pretty decent and that all of your are too

    and I'm going to have a G&T and then go out

    So there

    That forum is for hosers!

  • SolarSolar Registered User regular
    It's for people who dance to Beyonce

  • GvzbgulGvzbgul Registered User regular
    Sologamy is just an excuse to call masturbation sex.

    Although we probably ought to keep that knowlege away from the no sex before marriage types.

    If youre in a sologamous and a start a relationship with somebody else. Is that monogamy or polygamy?

  • DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    playin' Fallout Shelter

    all these Dwellers are getting disorganized, I think I'm going to change their names to number and room designations, maybe make uniforms.

  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Sologamy is just an excuse to call masturbation sex.

    Although we probably ought to keep that knowlege away from the no sex before marriage types.

    If youre in a sologamous and a start a relationship with somebody else. Is that monogamy or polygamy?

    Listen, I just exist in solitary splendor. I don't think that society needs to come in my house and put a label on it.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • RadiusRadius Registered User regular
    edited October 2019
    I'm more of a landogamy person

    Radius on
    Everyday we stray further from God's light
    Steam Switch FC: 2799-7909-4852
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Sologamy is just an excuse to call masturbation sex.

    Although we probably ought to keep that knowlege away from the no sex before marriage types.

    If youre in a sologamous and a start a relationship with somebody else. Is that monogamy or polygamy?

    sex is disgusting and also not real

  • WeaverWeaver Who are you? What do you want?Registered User regular
    I wore my new cowboy boots to Octoberfest in Leavenworth and we had a great time, didn't get stuck in any lines, left with a brand new box of 40k rubric marines and a giant bag of fresh bread from one of the German bakeries there, then we went on a beautiful nature hike through some waterfalls.

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Sologamy is just an excuse to call masturbation sex.

    Although we probably ought to keep that knowlege away from the no sex before marriage types.

    If youre in a sologamous and a start a relationship with somebody else. Is that monogamy or polygamy?

    sex is disgusting and also not real

    Nah uh, i’ve seen it.

  • MadicanMadican No face Registered User regular
    sarukun wrote: »
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Sologamy is just an excuse to call masturbation sex.

    Although we probably ought to keep that knowlege away from the no sex before marriage types.

    If youre in a sologamous and a start a relationship with somebody else. Is that monogamy or polygamy?

    sex is disgusting and also not real

    Nah uh, i’ve seen it.

    Swamp gas

  • DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!

  • SolarSolar Registered User regular
    Gay bars around here are open to 6am and god bless em, for real

  • GustavGustav Friend of Goats Somewhere in the OzarksRegistered User regular
    Girl Gang has met the partner.

    On a triple date

    To a demolition derby

    aGPmIBD.jpg
  • SorceSorce Not ThereRegistered User regular
    What about the wendigo? Have they met the partner yet?

    sig.gif
  • never dienever die Registered User regular
    Madican wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Sologamy is just an excuse to call masturbation sex.

    Although we probably ought to keep that knowlege away from the no sex before marriage types.

    If youre in a sologamous and a start a relationship with somebody else. Is that monogamy or polygamy?

    sex is disgusting and also not real

    Nah uh, i’ve seen it.

    Swamp gas

    See, that's why you bathe first and this isn't an issue.

  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    Gustav wrote: »
    Girl Gang has met the partner.

    On a triple date

    To a demolition derby

    Gus this is a lot of information in so few words but still not nearly enough information.

  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Speaking of Facebook memories

    Hubby and I friended each other on Facebook 10 years ago today.

    Since then I've moved to the other side of the planet, got married, bought a house, and had this amazing kid.

    What an amazing decade it's been.

    Thanks @Infidel !

  • honoverehonovere Registered User regular
    Radius wrote: »
    I'm more of a landogamy person

    I was a bit disappointed that nobody made a Han Solo pun for so many posts. Finally.

  • PeasPeas Registered User regular
    edited October 2019
  • Shazkar ShadowstormShazkar Shadowstorm Registered User regular
    My social media memory is 6 years ago today I had the Au Cheval cheeseburger in Chicago and it was definitely love

    poo
  • SCREECH OF THE FARGSCREECH OF THE FARG #1 PARROTHEAD margaritavilleRegistered User regular
    WACriminal wrote: »
    Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
    Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.

    1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?

    2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"

    3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.

    4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.

    5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.

    6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.

    7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.

    Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!

    Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.

    You seem to be in a massively one sided relationship and I don't think the thoughts you have of "they have the energy to pursue multiple romantic relationships but not the dishes" is unfair

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