Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.
1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?
2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"
3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.
4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.
5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.
6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.
7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.
Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!
Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.
As a person who has been actively poly for a while, holy jeebus you and your partner need to sort out your hella relationship imbalance before either of you think of pursuing outside relationships.
Because while you're giving yourself shit for point 6, your feelings on the matter are ENTIRELY REASONABLE. You sound like you're essentially parenting your partner and doing nearly all of the physical, financial, and emotional labour in the situation and that is wiiiiiiiildly unfair to you.
Neighbours cat now waits on my doorstep at night, demanding attention and requires a passing the cat between people airlock situation to ensure it doesn't force it's way into the house. I feel loved by the cat.
Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.
1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?
2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"
3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.
4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.
5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.
6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.
7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.
Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!
Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.
You seem to be in a massively one sided relationship and I don't think the thoughts you have of "they have the energy to pursue multiple romantic relationships but not the dishes" is unfair
yeah I hate to say it but it sounds like your relationship is kind of unhealthy outside of the whole poly thing
+9
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
just saw a gorgeous kitty walking along the fence.
didn't see a collar.
no kitty, please. my heart is not ready for another rescue right now.
I have recently realized I am not ready to date (or at least actively online date) by the fact that none of my conversations seem to go anywhere and I'm like fine with it.
I have recently realized I am not ready to date (or at least actively online date) by the fact that none of my conversations seem to go anywhere and I'm like fine with it.
I'm not sure if that's the case; some people are just so indifferent to having conversation that I dare to say they're boring.
I have realized that I should implement a hard rule against using any small banter along the lines of "how was your day"; it's filler, not personal, and just lobs the burden of engagement to the other person
I have recently realized I am not ready to date (or at least actively online date) by the fact that none of my conversations seem to go anywhere and I'm like fine with it.
I'm not sure if that's the case; some people are just so indifferent to having conversation that I dare to say they're boring.
I have realized that I should implement a hard rule against using any small banter along the lines of "how was your day"; it's filler, not personal, and just lobs the burden of engagement to the other person
My old strat for getting around this was to make things more temporally open ended. Especially with new people. "How's your day going" is lame, cause odds are it was average cause that's what average means.
"What was the last dope thing you did? I'd say mine was *short fun story*" gives them some if your interests/personality, let's them share theirs, or ask you questions! And if they don't do any of that then they ain't talking anyway.
I have recently realized I am not ready to date (or at least actively online date) by the fact that none of my conversations seem to go anywhere and I'm like fine with it.
I'm not sure if that's the case; some people are just so indifferent to having conversation that I dare to say they're boring.
I have realized that I should implement a hard rule against using any small banter along the lines of "how was your day"; it's filler, not personal, and just lobs the burden of engagement to the other person
My old strat for getting around this was to make things more temporally open ended. Especially with new people. "How's your day going" is lame, cause odds are it was average cause that's what average means.
"What was the last dope thing you did? I'd say mine was *short fun story*" gives them some if your interests/personality, let's them share theirs, or ask you questions! And if they don't do any of that then they ain't talking anyway.
Or, take a cue from the TV thread (I think)
"What's the largest dog you've seen and why?"
The one about the fucking space hairdresser and the cowboy. He's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin
I dunno exactly what my "type" is but I seem to be a type for a certain kind of lady.
I think half my matches they either have neon hair, multiple nose rings and tattoos. Or a combination of all three. I'm not complaining I just think its interesting?
I am a vanilla ass lookin' dude whats got no interesting accoutrements or doodads 'pon my bod.
I have recently realized I am not ready to date (or at least actively online date) by the fact that none of my conversations seem to go anywhere and I'm like fine with it.
I'm not sure if that's the case; some people are just so indifferent to having conversation that I dare to say they're boring.
I have realized that I should implement a hard rule against using any small banter along the lines of "how was your day"; it's filler, not personal, and just lobs the burden of engagement to the other person
My old strat for getting around this was to make things more temporally open ended. Especially with new people. "How's your day going" is lame, cause odds are it was average cause that's what average means.
"What was the last dope thing you did? I'd say mine was *short fun story*" gives them some if your interests/personality, let's them share theirs, or ask you questions! And if they don't do any of that then they ain't talking anyway.
Or, take a cue from the TV thread (I think)
"What's the largest dog you've seen and why?"
We were renting a cabin in a mountain town in Colorado and there was a St Bernard just kinda wandering the little cabin-neighborhood. He was a good boy.
I have recently realized I am not ready to date (or at least actively online date) by the fact that none of my conversations seem to go anywhere and I'm like fine with it.
I'm not sure if that's the case; some people are just so indifferent to having conversation that I dare to say they're boring.
I have realized that I should implement a hard rule against using any small banter along the lines of "how was your day"; it's filler, not personal, and just lobs the burden of engagement to the other person
My old strat for getting around this was to make things more temporally open ended. Especially with new people. "How's your day going" is lame, cause odds are it was average cause that's what average means.
"What was the last dope thing you did? I'd say mine was *short fun story*" gives them some if your interests/personality, let's them share theirs, or ask you questions! And if they don't do any of that then they ain't talking anyway.
Or, take a cue from the TV thread (I think)
"What's the largest dog you've seen and why?"
We were renting a cabin in a mountain town in Colorado and there was a St Bernard just kinda wandering the little cabin-neighborhood. He was a good boy.
I went to a dog beach in Santa Cruz and swear some lady had a full grown wolf there. I would not be surprised if it weighed 200lbs
DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
I dunno if there's wolves or supposed to be wolves around my neck of the woods/suburbs but I think I saw one last night while I was driving.
it ran right across the road and through a field. At first I thought it was just a deer, we get a lot of those dummies playing Frogger, but it was big and gray and loped like a very large dog
on second thought, it might have just been a very large dog. But what was he doin' out there at 2 AM? That's past bedtime for good dogs!
I described someone to a friend recently as "not my usual type" and she asked what was my type and without thinking the first words out of my mouth were "brunettes with bad attitudes"
And you know what, I think that's a good starting point
I like women with loads of brains and opinions and a zest for life, like they care about the world and what's going on in it. I'd not say that's particularly attractive by itself but if it's not there I definitely find it unattractive. "I don't care about politics" and other such ignorant statements put me right off.
My type seems to end up being a mix of clever, pretty, and also drops the "oh I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship" line the minute I start getting attached
I dunno exactly what my "type" is but I seem to be a type for a certain kind of lady.
I think half my matches they either have neon hair, multiple nose rings and tattoos. Or a combination of all three. I'm not complaining I just think its interesting?
I am a vanilla ass lookin' dude whats got no interesting accoutrements or doodads 'pon my bod.
I may not be remembering you right but my mental image of you features a styling beard and a general amount of "hench". So if you're vanilla you're at least the proper vanilla with real beans in.
Edit: I'm not sure how this reads so if it's weird or creepy then sorry
Posts
!
I said yes, I would love to
!
she's ancient and can barely move and her hands are all gnarled up, but she still hand-writes birthday cards for me, full of encouragement and praise
and she puts a ten dollar bill in the card, just like she has every year since I was born.
As a person who has been actively poly for a while, holy jeebus you and your partner need to sort out your hella relationship imbalance before either of you think of pursuing outside relationships.
Because while you're giving yourself shit for point 6, your feelings on the matter are ENTIRELY REASONABLE. You sound like you're essentially parenting your partner and doing nearly all of the physical, financial, and emotional labour in the situation and that is wiiiiiiiildly unfair to you.
Happy birthday, dude
You let the cat in?
Ah yes. Invented by Sir Isaac Newton
yeah I hate to say it but it sounds like your relationship is kind of unhealthy outside of the whole poly thing
didn't see a collar.
no kitty, please. my heart is not ready for another rescue right now.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
That’s the True Online Dating Experience
I hate it
A.k.a TODE
As in that age-old saying: “You have to kiss a lot of TODEs before you can marry a single frog.”
thank you! It was in August, though, I just haven't seen her since then, 'cause she lives kinda far away
They were two rooms deep in the house before I realised that the cat I thought was Pickles was actually a completely different cat.
So that cat is now called Evil Pickles and I refuse to learn its real name.
This is what living with my girlfriend has brought into my life.
Woooooo
And I get to see my brother, sister in law and nephew this weekend too
Woooooo
I'm not sure if that's the case; some people are just so indifferent to having conversation that I dare to say they're boring.
I have realized that I should implement a hard rule against using any small banter along the lines of "how was your day"; it's filler, not personal, and just lobs the burden of engagement to the other person
My old strat for getting around this was to make things more temporally open ended. Especially with new people. "How's your day going" is lame, cause odds are it was average cause that's what average means.
"What was the last dope thing you did? I'd say mine was *short fun story*" gives them some if your interests/personality, let's them share theirs, or ask you questions! And if they don't do any of that then they ain't talking anyway.
Or, take a cue from the TV thread (I think)
"What's the largest dog you've seen and why?"
I think half my matches they either have neon hair, multiple nose rings and tattoos. Or a combination of all three. I'm not complaining I just think its interesting?
I am a vanilla ass lookin' dude whats got no interesting accoutrements or doodads 'pon my bod.
I dunno if I ever try and nail down my 'type' I end up listing basically every body and appearance type possible
We were renting a cabin in a mountain town in Colorado and there was a St Bernard just kinda wandering the little cabin-neighborhood. He was a good boy.
I went to a dog beach in Santa Cruz and swear some lady had a full grown wolf there. I would not be surprised if it weighed 200lbs
it ran right across the road and through a field. At first I thought it was just a deer, we get a lot of those dummies playing Frogger, but it was big and gray and loped like a very large dog
on second thought, it might have just been a very large dog. But what was he doin' out there at 2 AM? That's past bedtime for good dogs!
And you know what, I think that's a good starting point
or hazel eyes, I can get lost in some hazel eyes
I may not be remembering you right but my mental image of you features a styling beard and a general amount of "hench". So if you're vanilla you're at least the proper vanilla with real beans in.
Edit: I'm not sure how this reads so if it's weird or creepy then sorry