So, yeah, turns out this is what's been ruining my life and making me into a rotten asshole for so long due to it going undiagnosed until recently at the ripe ole age of 36. Despite being a ten year PAXer and the organizer of the TWDT I've painted myself into a corner of being just so god damn alone all because of this shit without even realizing it. I'm in a two week partial hospitalization program after a particularly nasty downswing and am trying to get on meds but the first one (Lamotrigine) fucked me up so bad an FDA report is being filed about it. I'm on a half dose of Abilify right now to check for side effects before starting to ramp it up tomorrow to a full dose so fingers crossed I finally get some relief without having to be carried into my own apartment due to massive sedation.

I do have therapy scheduled for after my PHP ends and a follow up appointment with someone for med management so no worries there, I'm just hoping for some advice on dealing with this from anyone who may have experience with it because jfc y'all, this is like trying to wrap my head around some Lovecraftian style shit. Like, Cthulhu exists and it lives inside my head.