I had a trans related dream last night, which is rare for me. In it I was a boxer (??) fighting in mixed gender boxing tournaments (??). At one point I had some pretty full-on sideburns, and at the end I knocked out a guy who got violently transphobic at me (he was not one of the boxers).
I have no idea what any of that means. Except the sideburns I guess, I think I just want sideburns. But now I kind of want to take up boxing? Only I hate confrontation, competition, or being physically active. Dreams are weird.
have not read Amateur (Thomas Page McBee's memoir), but it sounds like that book grapples (ba dum psh) with some of the same stuff and might be worth checking out?
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Thanks for the rec, that sounds really interesting!
Today is a scary day. While we won't have anything approaching decisions from SCOTUS for months, we're nevertheless in the headlines, and it's political. That means we can usually expect to see an extra explosion of bigotry out in the world.
Look out for each other. Check in with the QUILTBAG+ people in your life. Don't despair alone. It's okay to reach out. We must stick together.
Fleur de Alys on
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
+12
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
Viv posted a thing that she found on facebook or something the other day, about Bi erasure and Biphobia and how Bi folks with hetero partners aren't welcome at Pride.
And I'm just... I've been fuming over it in my head ever since. I try to not say much because I'm fully aware of the privileges that I have,being a white woman in a hetero marriage and having a child. I get that I don't fully grasp the experiences of the other members of my community. I get that. And I am trying to listen and learn and figure out how to use my privilege to help others around me.
However.
I am Bisexual. It is who I am and a part of my identity. It is not like when I say that I'm Jewish which is a choice that I have made over many years (and am still evolving on). I am Bisexual Maybe Pansexual, but at the moment the terminology doesn't really matter for my point (although funny, Microsoft spellcheck recognizes Bisexual but not Pansexual. Interesting).
This is who I am. I am a cissexual bisexual lady. And that doesn't change whether I am married to man and the mother of a child, or if i'm married to a woman, or if I'm single.
My sexuality is not conditional on my relationship with anybody other than myself. My identity is not tied to anybody else. It's mine. I'm me. And anybody that cannot grasp that, cannot understand that, and doesn't try, can bite me.
I know that none of what I'm saying above is really shocking or particularly revelatory for many here. But it was for me, at least a little bit this week. So many times I seem to have always viewed myself as a smaller part of a larger whole, this person's daughter, that person's sister, this person's girlfriend, that person's fiance. My view on myself has almost always been wrapped up in how I find myself relating to others in society, not in how I am on my own, as a single entity.
Anyways, it helps to type things out for me, to get the words out from jumping in my head and onto 'paper', as it were.
Viv posted a thing that she found on facebook or something the other day, about Bi erasure and Biphobia and how Bi folks with hetero partners aren't welcome at Pride.
And I'm just... I've been fuming over it in my head ever since. I try to not say much because I'm fully aware of the privileges that I have,being a white woman in a hetero marriage and having a child. I get that I don't fully grasp the experiences of the other members of my community. I get that. And I am trying to listen and learn and figure out how to use my privilege to help others around me.
However.
I am Bisexual. It is who I am and a part of my identity. It is not like when I say that I'm Jewish which is a choice that I have made over many years (and am still evolving on). I am Bisexual Maybe Pansexual, but at the moment the terminology doesn't really matter for my point (although funny, Microsoft spellcheck recognizes Bisexual but not Pansexual. Interesting).
This is who I am. I am a cissexual bisexual lady. And that doesn't change whether I am married to man and the mother of a child, or if i'm married to a woman, or if I'm single.
My sexuality is not conditional on my relationship with anybody other than myself. My identity is not tied to anybody else. It's mine. I'm me. And anybody that cannot grasp that, cannot understand that, and doesn't try, can bite me.
I know that none of what I'm saying above is really shocking or particularly revelatory for many here. But it was for me, at least a little bit this week. So many times I seem to have always viewed myself as a smaller part of a larger whole, this person's daughter, that person's sister, this person's girlfriend, that person's fiance. My view on myself has almost always been wrapped up in how I find myself relating to others in society, not in how I am on my own, as a single entity.
Anyways, it helps to type things out for me, to get the words out from jumping in my head and onto 'paper', as it were.
Thanks for reading if you bothered to do so.
Thanks for posting this. I am mostly in the closet except for a few specific friends that I trust and my spouse. I am Trans, Polly, Pan, and Sub. But how I am forced to be in public, at work and among so many of my het/cis friends and family for the sake of personal safety and emotional attachments makes it really hard to feel like I am entitled to my identity a lot of the time. I really do not feel welcome anywhere without putting on some sort of façade. It is good to occasionally hear that I am not alone. It is really hard to love people for who they are and in truth all they love is an act.
I think going to 6/mg of estradoil a day was effecting me more than I thought at first.
I thought because my anxiety had gone to almost nothing on it that there was no effect but I have has some pretty hard swings of emotion since.
Not in a bad way. .
But definitely in a "I need to recognize this so I can control it" way
Around 6 weeks ago my dose spiked, and I had a comparable experience (can't be sure about the dose details - I went from 2x 0.1mg patches 2/wk to depo injections 1ml 1/wk, so big shrug).
Mine settled after about 4 weeks. I can still get weepy-upset much easier than before, but it's controllable, and it still feels a lot better than the depression I had a year ago, so I don't mind it.
I also had a pretty extreme "pink fog" for the first 3 or so of those weeks. That comes and goes now to much lesser degrees. I kind of miss it, but honestly it was really distracting, like being happy-drunk 24/7.
Then again, I may well be in way to soon to really tell territory here. Could be a longer cycle that I haven't seen long enough to tell how it repeats.
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
Bowie? Is that the name of one of the vampires underneath Ziggy Stardust, pansexual extraterrestrial ambassador?
+2
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DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
edited October 2019
In uh, honor of coming out day, I guess I'll try and get this off my shoulders
I don't really know what my deal is.
I'm definitely queer, pan-sexual? I don't really feel like a man, and I don't really feel like a woman.
Ideally, I'd be some sort of genderless meat popsicle.
But I've... been, or at least presented as, a man for so long that it's... easier? just to stay that way. (plus I like having a beard)
It feels like cheating, somehow. That I've applied these labels to myself, and I think they're appropriate, but I feel like an impostor,
like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, because I've never had to think about it until recently, and I've never had to fight for it.
And I don't really have a bond with the community any more than I do with any group under pressure from orthodoxy.
I feel like... if I really am this way, the way that I feel, I should do... more, I guess? I should feel more.
I dunno if it's just my general sense of self-loathing or an actual thing, but I doubt. I feel like I don't deserve it,
as though trying to finally be comfortable in my own skin is some kind of prize I haven't earned.
The amount of hand-wringing and grappling with my own dumb self makes me feel like people who actually had to struggle to be accepted by family and friends and society in general are fucking superheroes.
Depressperado on
+42
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DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
In any case, y'all are great and I hope you know that.
+5
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The Escape Goatincorrigible ruminantthey/themRegistered Userregular
In uh, honor of coming out day, I guess I'll try and get this off my shoulders
I don't really know what my deal is.
I'm definitely queer, pan-sexual? I don't really feel like a man, and I don't really feel like a woman.
Ideally, I'd be some sort of genderless meat popsicle.
But I've... been, or at least presented as, a man for so long that it's... easier? just to stay that way. (plus I like having a beard)
It feels like cheating, somehow. That I've applied these labels to myself, and I think they're appropriate, but I feel like an impostor,
like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, because I've never had to think about it until recently, and I've never had to fight for it.
And I don't really have a bond with the community any more than I do with any group under pressure from orthodoxy.
I feel like... if I really am this way, the way that I feel, I should do... more, I guess? I should feel more.
I dunno if it's just my general sense of self-loathing or an actual thing, but I doubt. I feel like I don't deserve it,
as though trying to finally be comfortable in my own skin is some kind of prize I haven't earned.
The amount of hand-wringing and grappling with my own dumb self makes me feel like people who actually had to struggle to be accepted by family and friends and society in general are fucking superheroes.
If it helps any, this is very close to my experience as well. Probably described myself better than I could have, to be honest. I've never both chuckled at and been genuinely struck by a phrase like "genderless meat popsicle."
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
The belief that you aren't allowed to have gender feels unless you've struggled and suffered enough is super common, for what it's worth
+25
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DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
Thank you! I do feel better having articulated it.
also to be fair, I stole the phrase 'meat popsicle' from The 5th Element.
Been at AusPAX at the most queer inclusive environment I'll be in all year. Sure would love to not have massive impostor syndrome any time I'm in an explicit queer space. Still, I've only had one shower cry so far while here.
Been at AusPAX at the most queer inclusive environment I'll be in all year. Sure would love to not have massive impostor syndrome any time I'm in an explicit queer space. Still, I've only had one shower cry so far while here.
Anyway,
You are valid and awesome :heartbeat:
Mostly just huntin' monsters.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
+20
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Voice progress
+47
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JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
It feels like cheating, somehow. That I've applied these labels to myself, and I think they're appropriate, but I feel like an impostor,
like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, because I've never had to think about it until recently, and I've never had to fight for it.
Been at AusPAX at the most queer inclusive environment I'll be in all year. Sure would love to not have massive impostor syndrome any time I'm in an explicit queer space. Still, I've only had one shower cry so far while here.
Yeah, I've been there. By which I mean, I am there.
I've come to accept that I'm Probably Not Cis (and, by extension, Probably Not Straight), and yet I feel like I don't even have the right to post in this thread.
And it's not because I haven't struggled or haven't suffered or anything, but because I often feel like I'm not really Not Cis and I'm not really Not Straight. All these weird feelings I have? I want to have them, I don't really have them. Why? I dunno. Because it'd be neat, I guess, to be part of some community I admire. Not that I am part of that community. No, obviously not. Couldn't possibly. I'm just an intruder, actually.
But then I remember how absurdly annoyed I get when someone ""accurately"" genders me and how pleased I am whenever someone ""misgenders"" me, and I figure, you know what, I think I'm allowed to call myself Probably Not Cis no matter how much of an impostor I feel like I am.
It feels like cheating, somehow. That I've applied these labels to myself, and I think they're appropriate, but I feel like an impostor,
like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, because I've never had to think about it until recently, and I've never had to fight for it.
Been at AusPAX at the most queer inclusive environment I'll be in all year. Sure would love to not have massive impostor syndrome any time I'm in an explicit queer space. Still, I've only had one shower cry so far while here.
Yeah, I've been there. By which I mean, I am there.
I've come to accept that I'm Probably Not Cis (and, by extension, Probably Not Straight), and yet I feel like I don't even have the right to post in this thread.
And it's not because I haven't struggled or haven't suffered or anything, but because I often feel like I'm not really Not Cis and I'm not really Not Straight. All these weird feelings I have? I want to have them, I don't really have them. Why? I dunno. Because it'd be neat, I guess, to be part of some community I admire. Not that I am part of that community. No, obviously not. Couldn't possibly. I'm just an intruder, actually.
But then I remember how absurdly annoyed I get when someone ""accurately"" genders me and how pleased I am whenever someone ""misgenders"" me, and I figure, you know what, I think I'm allowed to call myself Probably Not Cis no matter how much of an impostor I feel like I am.
I started there, and still dip in from time to time. Especially after a few days presenting masc at work (so like, Wednesday through Friday of every week).
It helps me to remember some words of wisdom from thread regulars of prior years:
If you're questioning your gender, you're probably some variety of trans. Cis people generally don't do that.
You belong here. You get to post here. Thank you for posting here
Separately, I did drive-thru today and got called "ma'am" at the ordering speaker, from voice alone. Felt hella good. So glad I did voice lessons!
Fleur de Alys on
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
I was at Atlanta Pride all day with a friend and it was really great, even though I was kinda overwhelmed for most of it. Seeing folks not usually represented just everywhere flying flags or just putting their bodies out there was amazing. Trans guys going bare-chested proudly and so many more pansexual and nonbinary and ace flags than I've ever seen before in my life made my heart swell. I did find myself wishing those pride Converse sneakers had more arch support but it was a small price. It was fun just cuffing my jeans, showing off my pan socks and my custom Ghostbusters shirt and having other people compliment them without fear of a negative confrontation.
In uh, honor of coming out day, I guess I'll try and get this off my shoulders
I don't really know what my deal is.
I'm definitely queer, pan-sexual? I don't really feel like a man, and I don't really feel like a woman.
Ideally, I'd be some sort of genderless meat popsicle.
But I've... been, or at least presented as, a man for so long that it's... easier? just to stay that way. (plus I like having a beard)
It feels like cheating, somehow. That I've applied these labels to myself, and I think they're appropriate, but I feel like an impostor,
like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, because I've never had to think about it until recently, and I've never had to fight for it.
And I don't really have a bond with the community any more than I do with any group under pressure from orthodoxy.
I feel like... if I really am this way, the way that I feel, I should do... more, I guess? I should feel more.
I dunno if it's just my general sense of self-loathing or an actual thing, but I doubt. I feel like I don't deserve it,
as though trying to finally be comfortable in my own skin is some kind of prize I haven't earned.
The amount of hand-wringing and grappling with my own dumb self makes me feel like people who actually had to struggle to be accepted by family and friends and society in general are fucking superheroes.
Hi, this is me. My wife is the only one that knows. You fine folks I trust to keep this here, so now you know too. I'll go back to trying to blend in now.
Posts
have not read Amateur (Thomas Page McBee's memoir), but it sounds like that book grapples (ba dum psh) with some of the same stuff and might be worth checking out?
I think I'm ready.
It's my only weekend off all month because of Ghostbusters group stuff. I hope I have the energy for it.
Kesha is gonna be there and that's dope as fuck.
Look out for each other. Check in with the QUILTBAG+ people in your life. Don't despair alone. It's okay to reach out. We must stick together.
And I'm just... I've been fuming over it in my head ever since. I try to not say much because I'm fully aware of the privileges that I have,being a white woman in a hetero marriage and having a child. I get that I don't fully grasp the experiences of the other members of my community. I get that. And I am trying to listen and learn and figure out how to use my privilege to help others around me.
However.
I am Bisexual. It is who I am and a part of my identity. It is not like when I say that I'm Jewish which is a choice that I have made over many years (and am still evolving on). I am Bisexual Maybe Pansexual, but at the moment the terminology doesn't really matter for my point (although funny, Microsoft spellcheck recognizes Bisexual but not Pansexual. Interesting).
This is who I am. I am a cissexual bisexual lady. And that doesn't change whether I am married to man and the mother of a child, or if i'm married to a woman, or if I'm single.
My sexuality is not conditional on my relationship with anybody other than myself. My identity is not tied to anybody else. It's mine. I'm me. And anybody that cannot grasp that, cannot understand that, and doesn't try, can bite me.
I know that none of what I'm saying above is really shocking or particularly revelatory for many here. But it was for me, at least a little bit this week. So many times I seem to have always viewed myself as a smaller part of a larger whole, this person's daughter, that person's sister, this person's girlfriend, that person's fiance. My view on myself has almost always been wrapped up in how I find myself relating to others in society, not in how I am on my own, as a single entity.
Anyways, it helps to type things out for me, to get the words out from jumping in my head and onto 'paper', as it were.
Thanks for reading if you bothered to do so.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
False alarm.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Made it to California! Found my girlfriend! Excite!
I thought because my anxiety had gone to almost nothing on it that there was no effect but I have has some pretty hard swings of emotion since.
Not in a bad way. .
But definitely in a "I need to recognize this so I can control it" way
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Thanks for posting this. I am mostly in the closet except for a few specific friends that I trust and my spouse. I am Trans, Polly, Pan, and Sub. But how I am forced to be in public, at work and among so many of my het/cis friends and family for the sake of personal safety and emotional attachments makes it really hard to feel like I am entitled to my identity a lot of the time. I really do not feel welcome anywhere without putting on some sort of façade. It is good to occasionally hear that I am not alone. It is really hard to love people for who they are and in truth all they love is an act.
Mine settled after about 4 weeks. I can still get weepy-upset much easier than before, but it's controllable, and it still feels a lot better than the depression I had a year ago, so I don't mind it.
I also had a pretty extreme "pink fog" for the first 3 or so of those weeks. That comes and goes now to much lesser degrees. I kind of miss it, but honestly it was really distracting, like being happy-drunk 24/7.
Then again, I may well be in way to soon to really tell territory here. Could be a longer cycle that I haven't seen long enough to tell how it repeats.
https://blog.emojipedia.org/unicode-brings-forward-gender-neutral-timeline/
I don't really know what my deal is.
I'm definitely queer, pan-sexual? I don't really feel like a man, and I don't really feel like a woman.
Ideally, I'd be some sort of genderless meat popsicle.
But I've... been, or at least presented as, a man for so long that it's... easier? just to stay that way. (plus I like having a beard)
It feels like cheating, somehow. That I've applied these labels to myself, and I think they're appropriate, but I feel like an impostor,
like I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, because I've never had to think about it until recently, and I've never had to fight for it.
And I don't really have a bond with the community any more than I do with any group under pressure from orthodoxy.
I feel like... if I really am this way, the way that I feel, I should do... more, I guess? I should feel more.
I dunno if it's just my general sense of self-loathing or an actual thing, but I doubt. I feel like I don't deserve it,
as though trying to finally be comfortable in my own skin is some kind of prize I haven't earned.
The amount of hand-wringing and grappling with my own dumb self makes me feel like people who actually had to struggle to be accepted by family and friends and society in general are fucking superheroes.
If it helps any, this is very close to my experience as well. Probably described myself better than I could have, to be honest. I've never both chuckled at and been genuinely struck by a phrase like "genderless meat popsicle."
also to be fair, I stole the phrase 'meat popsicle' from The 5th Element.
no, you
Why does everyone make their issues ours and make us carry the emotional load of it?
Oh I'm so sorry me being in the closet was inconvenient for you and hurt you. .
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Anyway,
You are valid and awesome :heartbeat:
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
at first you were like
and soon you'll be like
Yeah, I've been there. By which I mean, I am there.
I've come to accept that I'm Probably Not Cis (and, by extension, Probably Not Straight), and yet I feel like I don't even have the right to post in this thread.
And it's not because I haven't struggled or haven't suffered or anything, but because I often feel like I'm not really Not Cis and I'm not really Not Straight. All these weird feelings I have? I want to have them, I don't really have them. Why? I dunno. Because it'd be neat, I guess, to be part of some community I admire. Not that I am part of that community. No, obviously not. Couldn't possibly. I'm just an intruder, actually.
But then I remember how absurdly annoyed I get when someone ""accurately"" genders me and how pleased I am whenever someone ""misgenders"" me, and I figure, you know what, I think I'm allowed to call myself Probably Not Cis no matter how much of an impostor I feel like I am.
It helps me to remember some words of wisdom from thread regulars of prior years:
If you're questioning your gender, you're probably some variety of trans. Cis people generally don't do that.
You belong here. You get to post here. Thank you for posting here
Separately, I did drive-thru today and got called "ma'am" at the ordering speaker, from voice alone. Felt hella good. So glad I did voice lessons!
Partner just announced she(doesn't wish to change pronouns currently) is trans of some form and will be seeking gender therepy.
I spent the night assuring her her feelings were valid and that she was not "just wrong or faking it"
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Joe Lean
Hi, this is me. My wife is the only one that knows. You fine folks I trust to keep this here, so now you know too. I'll go back to trying to blend in now.
Love all of you
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
ayy so happy you liked it/it gave you some enduring and revisitable stuff!
Unfortunately I've been feeling really empty over the last month
It's been taking way too long
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad