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The Even Worse Joke Thread

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Posts

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    It's a bad one-liner, Margaret is trying to be friendly but the man is not interested in having a conversation.

    I'll try another.

    Why do cows wear bells?

    Because their horns don't work.

  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    Ah, one of these:
    President Calvin Coolidge was known as “Silent Cal” because of his extraordinarily laconic speech. A famous anecdote tells of a dinner party during which the person sitting adjacent to the Coolidge said: “Mr. President I’ve made a large bet that I would be able to make you say more than two words.”
    Coolidge considered this proposition carefully and then replied slowly and emphatically, “You lose.”

    I was thrown by davidsdurions post about different accents.

  • PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    I know a Brit who forced his son to join the clergy. There's no doubt he's living vicariously.

    I know this is a month old... but I don’t get it.

  • tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks OaklandRegistered User regular
    Perrsun wrote: »
    I know a Brit who forced his son to join the clergy. There's no doubt he's living vicariously.

    I know this is a month old... but I don’t get it.

    A vicar is basically a leader of a local church, usually I've seen in reference to one in a small English village.

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

    ...

    "Dam!"

  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Two muffins were in the oven, one said "wow it's getting hot in here"

    The other said "Country Grammar is Nelly's best album, yeah"

  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    Two muffins were in the oven, one said "wow it's getting hot in here"

    The other said "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Tox wrote: »
    Two muffins were in the oven, one said "wow it's getting hot in here"

    The other said "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

    Yeah I didn't want to go with something THAT obvious and played-out.

    So here's something fresh and new and exciting:

    What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
    A Golden Retriever

  • McFodderMcFodder Registered User regular
    Not a Golden Receiver?

    Switch Friend Code: SW-3944-9431-0318
    PSN / Xbox / NNID: Fodder185
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    god damned shitfucking autocorrect motherfucker!!!

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    I freaked out the plumber by opening the front door naked.

    I don't know what shocked him more - that I was naked, or that I opened HIS front door...

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited October 2019
    McFodder wrote: »
    Not a Golden Receiver?

    ArfCA?
    Woofinghouse?

    MichaelLC on
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    WiFido
    CockapUHF

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Blueticktooth Hound

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    Couple of puns from work today:

    1) The lab manager has a drawer full of chocolate/snacks. Someone brought in a training certificate, mentioning to keep it in a safe place, jokingly saying "like your chocolate drawer."
    I pipe up with, "You mean betwixt the Twix?"

    2) One of the other guys in the lab is taking part in Movember. Considering he hasn't shaved in 6 years, he's been getting a lot of comments all day, including people interrupting themselves to say "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BEARD?!" The technical manager walks in at the end of the day, and comments on how well he's dealt with the jokes.
    I immediately say, "He's taken it on the chin."

    They're probably glad I'm not in next week.

    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    What is the tallest piece of furniture?
    The bookcase. Because it has the most stories!

  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    One time I tried to boil a funny bone.

    But all I ended up with is a laughing stock.

  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    I just bought a book on demon legislation

    It's kinda focused on one topic

    Possession is nine tenths of the law

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • DecomposeyDecomposey Registered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    One time I tried to boil a funny bone.

    But all I ended up with is a laughing stock.

    That's not very humerus.

    Before following any advice, opinions, or thoughts I may have expressed in the above post, be warned: I found Keven Costners "Waterworld" to be a very entertaining film.
  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    What kind of bread hurts?
    Briouch.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    The French word for bread is pain.

  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    I know. I used that as a misdirect.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    o/' 99 bugs in my code,
    99 little bugs.
    Take one down;
    Patch it around...
    127 bugs in my code. o/'

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
  • tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks OaklandRegistered User regular
    People are so judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them.

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
    Because they're so good at it!

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    And now, I bring you a joke from...

    *spooky music and sound effects*

    THE INTERNET!!

    (I'm gonna have to re-write it a tiny bit because the word 'panties' makes me wanna gouge my fucking eyes out)

    Why do so many pairs of women's underwear have flowers on them?
    They're in memory of all the faces that were buried there.

  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    PANTSU~!!!

  • knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Chris

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Dan

  • knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Panties

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Ugh

  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    A Psychological Thriller In Four Acts

    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • UnbrokenEvaUnbrokenEva HIGH ON THE WIRE BUT I WON'T TRIP ITRegistered User regular
    For this joke I give you the Wikipedia article on different species of whales and dolphins, and what one enterprising editor did when there weren't photos available for all of them
    2by3j970zxwd.png

  • TayaTaya Registered User regular
    Somebody at work brought in some Laffy Taffy leftover from Halloween. There are jokes on the wrappers:

    Why did the boy bring a fishing net to bed?
    He wanted to catch some Z's.

    What's spicy but cold in the winter?
    Chilly peppers

    What did the egg day to the frying pan?
    You crack me up.

    What type of pic do you take with a surfer?
    A surfie

    What did the foot say to the mosquito?
    "Shoe" fly!

    What type of witch can you bring to the beach?
    A "sand" wich.

  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    That last one is the only one in the batch I'd seen before. And I have eaten hundreds of Laffy Taffys.

  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    1ukRNH6.jpg

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    1ukRNH6.jpg

    God
    DAMMIT

  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    1ukRNH6.jpg

    The 7-11 on the wrong side of the street.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
This discussion has been closed.