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This Year Christmas Will Be... Cancer's?

MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered User regular
edited December 2019 in Help / Advice Forum
Title a little overblown, but maybe not.

So father has some big mass of something in his head. Been messing up his balance and motor control. In hospital, scheduled for surgery on the 24th where they'll either remove or decide on radiation/non surgery. Hospital is local for everyone.

We (wife & I) are scheduled to host Christmas Eve with primary his side of the family. He is all for us doing the party since there's not much we can do.

However, I received an email tonight from one of the relatives saying it would be ok if we cancelled, which to me basically means I'd be the asshole now if I don't, despise father's wishes.

Not really sure what advice I'm asking for, partially just venting.

But I assumed I have to cancel, right? We're not really it any big money yet, was going to buy food, etc. this weekend.

MichaelLC on

Posts

  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited December 2019
    Fuck cancelling.

    Let your dad feel like a human being during the holidays. Reschedule for the weekend after his surgery and invite him.

    No one in his position wants to be the burden, whether it's malignant or benign. You have a party and you invite him. If he can't go, you go visit him, if you can't visit him, you all go buy him cards and balloons with stupid things written on them.

    Opinion based on being in healthcare for way too long at this point and watching my dad die of cancer while people hovered around him treating him like a disease process to be handled instead of a person.


    Edit:
    I'm sorry you and your dad are going through this, be patient and get all the test results and stuff before you let your imagination run too wild. There are a lot of things that go on in the brain that due to location cause crazy symptoms and require treatment that you could happily ignore forever if it were somewhere else.

    dispatch.o on
  • GnizmoGnizmo Registered User regular
    I wouldn't cancel it myself. Your dad has expressed a desire to keep things going forward. It would make a certain amount of sense to confirm with him, but I would suspect he doesn't want this to be the Christmas ruined by his health. Other people don't get to decide that for him, or for you. Go with what you feel best honors his wishes and your desires after talking to him, and explain that to anyone who wants to give you shit about it. Admittedly I invite conflict with my relatives very freely so if that is something you are more averse to then this might not be as helpful, but I am never in favor of someone guilting you into their preferred action.

  • zepherinzepherin Russian warship, go fuck yourself Registered User regular
    edited December 2019
    Go to the party, Bring a gift bag or stocking with warm socks jerky and an interesting magazine (classic cars has always been a hit).

    Ive visited a few people in the hospital, and those always go over well.

    zepherin on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited December 2019
    He has told you not to cancel, I would not cancel. You could make it for him. Have everyone over, put out a ton of stuff you know he'd like, have people take silly pictures with speech bubbles and hold up signs about how you guys are thinking of him. If he's awake and available in the evening you can all do a video call as soon as it's possible to do so, and if not take videos of people talking to him and wishing him well for him to watch later. The kids could make him cards or a collage or whatever they like. Those things will last him (and you) much longer than a party he can't make and might not have felt that great going into even if he could.

    You can have the evite or whatever say that it's a Christmas party FOR DAD so you can get together and think about him and make things for him and be supportive.

    Bonus: If it works out then you're the hero that pulled everything together for him and that dude is the asshole.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • Phoenix-DPhoenix-D Registered User regular
    MichaelLC wrote: »
    However, I received an email tonight from one of the relatives saying it would be ok if we cancelled, which to me basically means I'd be the asshole now if I don't, despise father's wishes.

    Aside from what everyone else has said, I wouldn't read this into that email. They are most likely just trying not to burden you with expectations if you're overwhelmed. It's not a request it's permission..

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Thanks all. Everything had been exactly right, just like to get an outside perspective.

    Think we will go ahead with it, saying it's what he wants. Either way we'll all be together and can get the news at the same time.
    Phoenix-D wrote: »
    Aside from what everyone else has said, I wouldn't read this into that email. They are most likely just trying not to burden you with expectations if you're overwhelmed. It's not a request it's permission..

    Yeah, that's not her intent - making me/us the jerks - it's really letting us save face if we wanted to cancel by having her take the 'blame'. It's mostly just me hypersensitive to social norms. Someone overanalyzing on here; shocking!

  • GrisloGrislo Registered User regular
    If you're feeling up to it, and do exercise some self care if needed, consider doing a relaxed, very casual Christmas Eve. Tell everyone that you'll be hosting as planned, but that you completely understand if they're not up to it - phone calls if you feel up to that.

    And, as someone suggested, do the week after for your dad if he's game for it. Either just you guys, or extended family, depending on how things go.

    I totally agree that anyone suggesting cancelling are being considerate - which might also mean that they're not in the mood, which you should expect/respect, of course. It'll not be anything personal if anyone doesn't feel like attending.

    This post was sponsored by Tom Cruise.
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