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[Family] Thread

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Posts

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Oh hell no, the dude fucking choked you - that's attempted murder for goodness' sake!

    Like, holy shit.

    If other family members repeatedly refuse to side with you, then they're part of the problem.

    Time for some ultimatums, I reckon.

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2019
    "It's (the kid)'s fault we can't be a family again" is some shit child sexual abuse people lob at kids who were raped by their parents or extended family. It's some hot horseshit though, e: and it doesn't really surprise me that people use this in all sorts of "less bad" situations too. TBH, you'll probably have to cut it off because people who say that kind of shit rarely ever change their mind on who the real problem person is.

    Sorry you have to deal with more BS, ND.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • MulysaSemproniusMulysaSempronius but also susie nyRegistered User regular
    You are allowed to set boundaries, and if your family does not respect them, it's OK to leave. It's OK to not put yourself in a situation where you're near your dad or where people are talking about your dad. I like the phrase " 'no' is a complete sentence". No need to explain- they've heard it and don't respect it.
    Some people think you should always forgive family, and I see the point of trying harder with family than with other people. But there are some things you shouldn't be expected to just forgive

    If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
  • mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    "ND is just being so MEAN and STUBBORN. We just want to be a FAMILY again (aka pretend that absolutely nothing happened)" and I just fucking can't. It makes me feel so fucking disgusting.

    Hey, I'm living this right now! Been no contact with my mom for a year, and she subsequently took my dad and brother hostage, because *no one* leaves a borderline and gets away with it (made *extra* funny by the fact that this time a year ago, she'd often call me up and complain, despite my constant protests, that she couldn't somehow divorce my dad without my brother never talking to her again, because borderlines don't fucking care about your boundaries).

    Dad is an enabler first and foremost, so we haven't talked at all in a year. My brother at this point is just her little flying monkey- he'll offer to come meet up with my kids and partner or call up on the phone, and then during whatever second we get alone together, he'll angrily whisper at me about how I'm destroying the family and what a horrible, selfish person I am. It used to bug me, but honestly given the elephant I know they're actively ignoring, sort of starting to revel being the brutally honest bad guy amongst shitty liars

    Their expectation is that I drop what happened completely (i.e. my mom took a pass at my married father-in-law at my family house party; pretty bad, but I have a lifelong *list* of her doing crazy shit) and let her back in and let everything go back to normal. My expectation is that she go see a therapist and admit she has a disorder and learn to respect boundaries. My brother's (and dad, if he spoke) response to this is that she won't ever change or acknowledge the problem- so their solution is that *I* should be the bigger person, and turn the other cheek and let her back into my life (even though they refuse to even learn or understand what a borderline *is*, and their inevitable response when I bring it up is a childish "are you sure *you* don't need therapy?", because therapy is equated with not being manly enough in my family)

    It's been a hard year, but honestly after a lifetime of dealing with her unstable bullshit (and the people around her actively trying to not notice it), I feel like I'm finally starting to see it for what it was, heal and move past it. My kids finally asked what the deal was and I was able to honestly and appropriately explain that their grandma was the kind of sick that hurts people, and that I wanted her to go get better before we saw her so she doesn't hurt anyone else (including herself!)

    My brother called up this week to try out another guilt trip- when he threw out "It's kinda weird mom and dad aren't allowed to see your kids...", I made sure to clarify that dad chooses not to see my kids, that the decision I made was one I'm *incredibly* comfortable with and it won't be changing, and that I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just never see those people again in my life. The last one freaked him out a bit, because he dropped the only insider information I've gotten out of him ("It's bad man, stuff is starting to snowball..."), which means Hurricane-my-mom is about to make landfall again (she can go *at most* one year between awful inappropriate blowouts, I've timed it). I was able to respond "not for me it isn't!", and I can't explain to you the freedom that comes from not needing to be standing there with a broom waiting to clean shit up when my mom blows up her world again

  • ProlegomenaProlegomena Frictionless Spinning The VoidRegistered User regular
    I ran into my soon-to-be-86 grandfather in town today, he needed painkillers because he hurt his leg sliding down the tracks of an enormous bulldozer he had been repairing.

    He recovered from lymphoma last year and is showing no signs whatsoever of slowing down in respect of working on heavy machinery.

  • NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    edited October 2021
    .

    NightDragon on
  • mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    My book has been "Understanding the Borderline Mother", but otherwise empathize on all points 110%. It's definitely hard taking a longview look at everything and realizing just how much abuse shapes your worldview and the person you become, and then trying to unlearn some lessons that are at your very core. But it's definitely better than feeding yourself on lies for other people's sake, or letting the damage become generational

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    ND you were one of the people that has led me to step away from my "family is important, you should try to heal relationships at all possible times" stance because of what you went through. Some of the posts here and the college payment stuff from H/A like 8 years ago made me realize that some people have severely toxic relationships and it just can't be repaired. So I think you've been pretty influential in at least that regards even if you don't think you're handling or seeing the mistreatment well.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    Thank you! It's a long road but I'm thankful I've been able to overcome as much as I have.

    Also I tend to feel that people who lock themselves to the "family is essential no matter what" do seem to just assume that the conflict-to-repair is lower level, or yeah, even possible to repair to begin with.

    It's definitely shitty to realize that some things are too severe or toxic to repair... it's disappointing, right? But thanks for having my back! :)

  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Now it might just be me, but they're your family regardless of your father's involvement.

    Before you jump on be, hear me out.

    They are your family even without your father around. But they are refusing to see that the family is still indeed intact and important.

    One person does not make or break a family.

    And if they think they can't be your family without your father involved, then they are the ones failing at being a family, not you.

    So in short, fuck em. They're either your family without him around or they're not your family at all.

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    edited November 2019
    It's also ok to just not be in touch with family that often. (Or at least so I tell myself.)

    The last time my family had a big gathering was two years ago for my parents' 70th birthday and then before that fifteen years ago for my wedding. Otherwise I hardly ever see my uncles or cousins even though we get along fine. I don't feel particularly sad about it; we all have our own lives.

    Edit: come to think of it my wife is much closer to her family which probably explains why I've just been saying the wrong things to comfort her given her mother's condition. 😐

    DisruptedCapitalist on
    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    Lonelyahava said it better than I could have. NightDragon said something about them wanting you back so it will be just like old times. You may be willing to have them back, but not for old times. For new times, times that do not include your father, times that understand and/or respect your place and position and perspective (how's that for alliteration?!).
    If they want to be your family knowing that, then they can. If they want to force you to accept unacceptable behaviors, then they can close that door themselves.

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    Now that my wife has had to deal with her mom's issues, it seems only fitting that she has to deal with a sexual harassment situation at work. One of her employees made a complaint about an employee in another department. The other department head is just blowing the whole thing off and HR in their infinite wisdom decided the solution is mandatory sexual harassment training for everyone.

    I'm sure that will solve all problems.

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    My wife's mother died this morning. I'm just waiting for all the kids to wake up before I give them the news. The little one never really knew her before her illness, but I think the older one is going to take it hard.

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    edited November 2019
    On the bright side, HR finally got their act together and fired that problem employee Friday, so my wife can focus on her family and not worry about work problems.

    DisruptedCapitalist on
    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    Man

    My condolences and my best to your wife and kids

  • I ZimbraI Zimbra Worst song, played on ugliest guitar Registered User regular
    Goddamn, my father in law's wife died of a brain aneurysm today. Keeled over coming out of church right in front of their 15 year old son. I cannot even imagine what he is going through now.

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    Wow, that's horrible. Those things are the worst because of how unexpected they are.

    Peace to you and your family.

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • MuzzmuzzMuzzmuzz Registered User regular
    edited January 2020
    Fuuuuuck. Today is the 31 year anniversary of my mom’s death. I don’t remember her due to being three years old. I’m actually pretty calm about the whole thing.

    My kid ran to me while I was having a shower, holding one of her necklaces, one with the letter J for her name and loudly proclaimed that she wanted to wear it today, and was very vocal about showing everyone it today.

    The thing is, she’s never had much of an interest in jewelry, let alone this piece.

    Took me a bit longer to finish my shower because I just started crying. I don’t believe in supernatural stuff, but man...

    Muzzmuzz on
  • TonkkaTonkka Some one in the club tonight Has stolen my ideas.Registered User regular
    edited January 2020
    What a fucking start to the new year. Fucking hell, ya'll need anything let people know because fuck.

    Tonkka on
    Steam: evilumpire Battle.net: T0NKKA#1588 PS4: T_0_N_N_K_A Twitter Art blog/Portfolio! Twitch?! HEY SATAN Shirts and such
  • chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    My friend died last night.
    She'd had Alzheimer's for awhile.
    She helped raise me, her son was my best friend for the first several years of school.
    She was nice, much nicer than my own family. I've missed her.
    I don't know if she suffered or if I should be glad that it's over for her. All I know is that she's gone.

  • RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    My condolences, chromdom

    Remember that all the awesome you carry with you and put out into the world is a part of her legacy by being there for you. Her kindness continues to bear fruit, which is something most of us would be proud of and aspire to

    That said, losing a friend hurts. Be sure to seek support and practice awareness of when you're in need of self care. And I am sorry for your loss

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
  • SkeithSkeith Registered User regular
    I know we say "fuck cancer", but fuck Alzheimer's.

    aTBDrQE.jpg
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    I'm sorry for your loss, chromdom. Perhaps you can take solace in the fact that as she helped raise you, she has helped make the world a better place?

  • CalicaCalica Registered User regular
    My mom found a box containing her parents' love letters exchanged from August to September 1936. There aren't too many; after that he moved from Kansas to Wisconsin to look after his cousin's farm while the latter visited his father in Germany, and the letters stopped because they were spending time together in person. But what's there is adorable.

    He was 27 and a farmer; she was 23 and a schoolteacher. They both have vocabulary and handwriting to put an English major to shame. (He'd wanted to be a pastor, but couldn't afford to finish seminary.) He was attracted to her because she was kind-hearted and spoke her mind (my words); she liked him because he was "pert" (their word), referring to his dry, irreverent sense of humor. There aren't really explicit declarations of love; but the mutual affection is obvious. They married in March 1937 and stayed together until he died in 2003.

    My mom had no idea their courtship was so short. She said it makes her 9-month engagement to my dad - after 3 weeks of dating - look positively conservative :lol:

  • jgeisjgeis Registered User regular
    Here's a fun one, my dad dug up this article on Google News from the front page of the Sept. 2, 1977 issue of the Ludington Daily News, featuring my grandpa Bill with the 30lb 2.5oz chinook salmon that would go on to win the first annual Ludington Salmon Derby.

    cl8dud35jsod.png

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    edited March 2020
    Oh just fucking great. My 73 year old mother is presumptive positive for COVID19. She seems ok* for now but the local board of health had ordered her quarantined for 14 days. Of course, they're awaiting tests if and when they'll be available.

    *ok, as in, she's got a really bad dry cough and mild fever but otherwise is still able to take deep breaths.

    DisruptedCapitalist on
    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    I'm so sorry

    hopefully it is something more manageable

  • BouwsTBouwsT Wanna come to a super soft birthday party? Registered User regular
    Hey all. Just got some news that I don't really know how to process. My Kiwi wife is doing a once in a lifetime hike in New Zealand (the Te Araroa). She's been gone for 6 months, so was really looking forward to her mid-April return. Starting March 30th, New Zealand is stopping all international flights, incoming and outgoing. All flights to Canada are full up, or despicably expensive and would require her to quit her hike within 10% of the finish line.

    Luckily, she has family in the country and is a citizen, so this is arguably the second best place to ride this thing out, but I can't help but be a little shattered that I'll continue to be alone through this scare.

    Keep your family close everyone, and try to see the silver linings in our new-found forced proximity. It feels like a very empty house at home.

    Between you and me, Peggy, I smoked this Juul and it did UNTHINKABLE things to my mind and body...
  • KetBraKetBra Dressed Ridiculously Registered User regular
    Hi Family thread, I have a bit of a moral issue I'd like to bounce off people

    I have some relatives that live near me and are apparently preppers (this is kind of something I've suspected for a while but now know). They've got tons of food and supplies and have been messaging me over the last little while that they would like to give me some, so that I don't have to go shopping. I'm pretty financially stable and healthy and young, so I feel pretty bad taking food that other people could use. I'm thinking what I should do is take it and donate the food to the local food bank. That's the obvious play, right?

    KGMvDLc.jpg?1
  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    I mean the ideal would be convincing them to do that themselves, but I'm assuming that's not a likely outcome. So yeah, that's probably the best thing you can do with those circumstances.

  • tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    My sister and my father have been fighting because the state borders are getting locked down, but he keeps wanting to go over to NSW and work on the beach shack, and she's worried he might get stuck there (or made to do a 14 day full-on self-quarantine if he does come back, which is much more likely).

    meanwhile i got a message from her this morning with what is clearly a photo from the beach. "Where are you exactly?" "At the shack."
    Right.

  • kimekime Queen of Blades Registered User regular
    KetBra wrote: »
    Hi Family thread, I have a bit of a moral issue I'd like to bounce off people

    I have some relatives that live near me and are apparently preppers (this is kind of something I've suspected for a while but now know). They've got tons of food and supplies and have been messaging me over the last little while that they would like to give me some, so that I don't have to go shopping. I'm pretty financially stable and healthy and young, so I feel pretty bad taking food that other people could use. I'm thinking what I should do is take it and donate the food to the local food bank. That's the obvious play, right?

    I mean, even if you are healthy there’s still a clear benefit to staying home and not going shopping. The idea of social distancing is not just for sick people, everyone staying home helps.

    My advise would be to take it if they have extra, and use the money you saved to pay it forward when you have an opportunity.

    Battle.net ID: kime#1822
    3DS Friend Code: 3110-5393-4113
    Steam profile
  • chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    tynic wrote: »
    My sister and my father have been fighting because the state borders are getting locked down, but he keeps wanting to go over to NSW and work on the beach shack, and she's worried he might get stuck there (or made to do a 14 day full-on self-quarantine if he does come back, which is much more likely).

    meanwhile i got a message from her this morning with what is clearly a photo from the beach. "Where are you exactly?" "At the shack."
    Right.

    Any possibility your sister went with your father?

  • tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Haha no definitely not, they're not really speaking right now

    (Also her paranoia is not really grounded because there's no way the ACT can shut itself off, there's too much intra-urban porosity on the east side. It's more the hypocrisy that gave me pause).

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    My mother is better now, so either she didn't have Corona Virus or she just had a mild case of it. Either way there is still no testing so who knows?

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • FishmanFishman Put your goddamned hand in the goddamned Box of Pain. Registered User regular
    edited March 2020
    My grandfather made the news (again):
    Six hundred schools to get Diary of Anne Frank in te Reo Maori

    Six hundred schools across New Zealand will receive a free copy of Anne Frank's The Diary of a Young Girl, now Te Rātaka a Tētahi Kōhine, in te Reo Māori.

    The book was translated into te Reo in 2019 under the guidance of Anne Frank New Zealand in celebration of Frank's 90th birthday early last year.

    Boyd Klap, chairman of Anne Frank New Zealand, said the story was as relevant today as it was 90 years ago.

    With the rise of hate speech and acts of discrimination, and the current isolation rules around coronavirus, people could still learn a lot from Anne's story.

    Fishman on
    X-Com LP Thread I, II, III, IV, V
    That's unbelievably cool. Your new name is cool guy. Let's have sex.
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    Learned a bit of family history from my mom while chatting about the virus. I already knew my grandmother was an orphan, but what I learned was that both her parents died from the Spanish Flu pandemic.

    My grandmother was just 7 years old. Makes me sad to think someone that young could lose their parents so suddenly, but she was lucky to have a loving aunt to care for her afterwards.

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    Welp.

    Mom just fell and dislocated her right shoulder.

    Hospital won't let me be there (totally understandable) until she's ready to be picked up for discharge.

    Now begins the anxiety.

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
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