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Wife/Porn/Etc. Advice
alt-account-51214
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello,
So this is going to get some criticism for sure, so I'll get it out of the way up front--I checked my wife's browser history on her phone. I had to go pick up our grocery order last week and my phone was dead (you need to call the grocery store when you reach the pick-up location) so I borrowed my wife's phone. There were several cars ahead of me, so I took out her phone to check out the newest PA comic, and in typing "p" for to start "penny-arcade.com" up came "pornhub.com" as the first suggestion.
So against my better judgement, I looked at the browser history and there were lots of times where she visited pornhub. Initial reaction? Surprised, but intrigued. I had brought up the idea of introducing porn in some way when we have sex, for inspiration, whatever. She always seemed very shy and awkward about it, and we tried it once but she said it was "too weird" after a minute or two of just watching together, so that was that.
I use porn when I masturbate, so I have zero judgement about her doing the same. I actually find it to be a turn on that she does. I guess I just naively assumed that because she wasn't interested in watching porn together, she wasn't interested in watching porn at all.
For context, we've been married for 9 years, together for much longer, and we have two young kids. We're in our 30s. We have sex maybe once per week, perhaps less at times. It's always very formulaic... "do you want to..".. always in the bedroom... always at night, etc. So I'm asking for advice on a few different things here.
Since I found out, I've made a point to try to casually bring up experimentation/porn in the bedroom, but trying not to tip her off that I found out because again, I don't want to ruin it if that's what me knowing means. We also went on an adult toy website and bought a few things together, which was actually really cool and surprised me that she was interested in what she pointed out--she toyed with the idea of a sex swing but we couldn't think of an area it could be installed that would work. I also encouraged her to order a vibrator, since she has never had one and admitted her friends were shocked when she admitted that. She said she thought it might make me uncomfortable, but we ended up adding one to the order.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
So this is going to get some criticism for sure, so I'll get it out of the way up front--I checked my wife's browser history on her phone. I had to go pick up our grocery order last week and my phone was dead (you need to call the grocery store when you reach the pick-up location) so I borrowed my wife's phone. There were several cars ahead of me, so I took out her phone to check out the newest PA comic, and in typing "p" for to start "penny-arcade.com" up came "pornhub.com" as the first suggestion.
So against my better judgement, I looked at the browser history and there were lots of times where she visited pornhub. Initial reaction? Surprised, but intrigued. I had brought up the idea of introducing porn in some way when we have sex, for inspiration, whatever. She always seemed very shy and awkward about it, and we tried it once but she said it was "too weird" after a minute or two of just watching together, so that was that.
I use porn when I masturbate, so I have zero judgement about her doing the same. I actually find it to be a turn on that she does. I guess I just naively assumed that because she wasn't interested in watching porn together, she wasn't interested in watching porn at all.
For context, we've been married for 9 years, together for much longer, and we have two young kids. We're in our 30s. We have sex maybe once per week, perhaps less at times. It's always very formulaic... "do you want to..".. always in the bedroom... always at night, etc. So I'm asking for advice on a few different things here.
- Should I somehow bring up that I noticed she's watching porn? In the context of, "would you like to try doing that together?". It'd be hard to say how I found out she watches it without admitting to snooping, but I'd be open to admitting that to her if that's the best way. The initial discovery was innocent, but the next step of actually checking her history was not.
- Should I instead just shut my mouth and let my wife enjoy what she's currently enjoying? I'm concerned it's the fact that I don't know that she enjoys it so much, so finding out I do might ruin it for her.
- Should I be concerned about the type of porn she seems interested in? From what I could gather, it's keywords like "gang bang" "swingers" "rough gang bang" etc. Is this just innocent fantasy stuff (it's taboo, etc), or could this be something else I should be concerned about?
Since I found out, I've made a point to try to casually bring up experimentation/porn in the bedroom, but trying not to tip her off that I found out because again, I don't want to ruin it if that's what me knowing means. We also went on an adult toy website and bought a few things together, which was actually really cool and surprised me that she was interested in what she pointed out--she toyed with the idea of a sex swing but we couldn't think of an area it could be installed that would work. I also encouraged her to order a vibrator, since she has never had one and admitted her friends were shocked when she admitted that. She said she thought it might make me uncomfortable, but we ended up adding one to the order.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
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Like, a lot of the porn I watch is stuff I have no interest in getting involved in. I just like watching other people do it for some reason. But I like knowing that these moments and fantasies and this part of my sexuality belong to me alone, in a way, and trying to share them with anyone would ruin them.
So I guess my advice is that you should approach this subject very carefully, if at all?
I'm aware of this, evidenced by repeating it in my original post. Thanks for the additional judgement, though.
This is helpful to hear, thank you.
I would not be concerned. Watching group things does not really indicate a desire to do them.
One of the reasons she might not want to share is, just like for anyone else who watches porn as an adult, you try to make healthy separations between what you like to watch and what you actually want to experience. She might just enjoy the sex you have and not want you to get any wild ideas about what shes looking for. It can be hard to want to seem open, but not want to get your partners hopes up.
Sometimes the intense requests to "Know more about what turns you on" can be interpreted as "I need you to figure out a way to be turned on more, or to want sex more, or to have more exciting sex". She might just need space to have her individual time and does not have a desire to give that up. Especially in monogamous relationships, I would tread carefully in making sure you dont violate or demand access to this. If the reality of your sex life isn't making you unhappy, make that really clear while you communicate your interest in knowing more, if you can.
If you are unhappy, "I looked at your phone" Is not a great launching off point. Couples therapy is a safer space to talk out this stuff, if you're both having trouble navigating around the words to express what you want. Just find a sex positive therapist.
There's no judgement in what I said - hence why I added the "intentionally or not" in order to give you the benefit of the doubt. I was reiterating the fact and it's important to the situation so toning down the sarcasm would be nice for someone who is offering you earnest advice you're actively soliciting.
I hadn't considered that possibility. I saw it more as "you seem to be interested in sex more than I realized" but I guess it's not necessarily interested in sex with me as much as potentially just interested in her own thing. Where this starts to make me feel kinda shitty is moments where I've tried to initiate intimacy, been turned down, then to think she'd rather go do her own thing instead. Leading to thoughts of something about me that's a problem, (i.e. I'm in the mood, just not with you), as opposed to what might just be a different "need".
As a male, I can think of moments where I wouldn't necessarily have jumped at the chance for sex but would have rather just masturbated for stress relief or whatever. On the flip side, if I turned her down for sex and then she walked in on me masturbating, I think she'd be very upset.
I don't think "unhappy" is a good descriptor, but after almost two decades together wondering if there's room to experiment together. Hence the sex toy order. And I don't know if either of us are having trouble knowing "what words" as much as if words are the right approach.
Does she want to continue to present a more reserved sexual personality to me, but have a more risque appetite when she's alone? Because any words at all to explore that would kind of destroy the possibility of the latter.
Sorry, but repeating the exact thing I admitted to twice is not the benefit of the doubt.
And "intentionally or not" is very judgmental in reply to the description of how I legitimately innocently came across it at first. That phrase suggests the possibility that I'm just lying about the story. Because typing the name of a website into a URL bar and seeing the suggested prior visited page is 100% innocent, and if I didn't explore further where's the fault? Your reply says, "Hey, whether your story is true or not, yadda yadda".
I don't think it's helpful to continue disagreeing with you here. But I'll just note for your benefit that the bolded bit doesn't really mesh with "I'm not judging you".
I'm also approaching 9 years with my partner, I think you might be surprised at how much you can plainly talk bout while giving each other space without it destroying the fun and mystery of your solo time. I dont want to get into my personal relationship too much here, but this specifically:
There is a reality possible where, instead of slinking away, you're allowed to express this to each other and it feels normal to just say "Hey, I'm gonna go use my vibe for a bit, just need an hour to myself". If you can get to that point, it can make it easier to be really chill about plainly talking about other aspects of your sex life, which despite being an emotional thing, also can just be a lot of technical negotiation. When the negotiation feels calm and guilt free, surprising things might be revealed.
I watch porn. My actual physical interests compared to what I watch has a vast gap. Even being a sex positive person, there are preferences I have that are unchanged. Sometimes when someone is coming at me with "What are your wildest dreams" it can feel even more intimating for me to say "I would really like a back rub and some calming music and to feel safe." or "I would like to take of myself so that I can get some fucking work done" even if that is exactly what I want.
If your in it for the long haul, it can be nice to feel safe expressing that to each other but get over the hump of "Wait... does this mean I'm not sexy 100% of the time
This really quiet assumption is just the sort of tiny thing that can get in the way and grow into a big fight after a few years. Its really easy for all of us to think we've known our partners for so long, we probably can guess what they are feeling. People change, and their inner workings are less predicable than we give credit. She might be doing the same about you! That might be why she gets awkward around the topic (what is being expected of me right now? do I have to seem more excited than I am?).
The therapy recommendation is because, well, a third party can be there to make sure that you are both advocating for yourselves while navigating the awkwardness of learning new things about each other after so long.
What I am getting a sense of is a low key dissatisfaction with your current sex life. The fear seems to come from a worry that she is trying to fulfil that desire without you which is understandable. If you can put that aside, and just talk to her about what your sex life is or isn't then I think you would get everything you want and more. The key is to keep the topic focused on what it is you both want, and maybe haven't been talking about for a long time. I dunno what words could put her at ease to have the conversation, but maybe you do if you think on it. Just make it as matter of fact as any other discussion. Treat it no differently than any other major topic you guys talk about.
If that doesn't sound workable, then yeah therapy is a great space for it. As I rule I am always in favor of couples counseling. If nothing else you guys can leave there with a firm grasp on how better to talk to each other about big topics while not letting emotional reactions rule the day. Good communication takes a lot of work, and it helps so much.
Because honesty is definitely gonna lead to more sexy times than "haha oops dropped my issue of Gangbangs Monthly!"
As a side note gang bang fantasies are pretty normal and nothing to worry about.
I've decided not to bring it up at all. I feel that the reasons I have to tell her are almost all selfish, and if she finds it enjoyable because it's secret, why ruin it? If I bring up adding porn to our sex life in the future, it will be outside any "I know you watch it!" context.
That said, our sex life over the past two weeks has gotten a bit more frequent and adventurous. Just me trying or suggesting things has worked well so far, and she's into rougher stuff than I would have even tried in the past, just assuming she wasn't. She even brought up something this morning that we did last night. She said she was shocked when I started, but she really liked it.
This can be closed. Thanks again!