That was without any traumatic events within the year related to being me publicly.
It's basically completely gone now tho
That's reassuring to hear. I think part of the issue is I don't feel that different than before transitioning. More comfortable yes, but not significantly different in a material way. So it throws me a bit whenever I'm reminded that people perceive me differently now and I have this feeling of "shit, better keep doing whatever it is that makes them think I'm a guy!" But I don't know what that is.
Doesn't help that the cis people in my life seem to love reminding me I'm trans. I think they feel like they're being supportive and encouraging when they point out how different I sound or look these days but all it does is A) remind me I'm not REALLY what I'm trying to be, and they know it, and 2) make me aware that people are critiquing details about my appearance when I'd rather they not. I'm guessing this is pretty common for trans people in general.
That was without any traumatic events within the year related to being me publicly.
It's basically completely gone now tho
That's reassuring to hear. I think part of the issue is I don't feel that different than before transitioning. More comfortable yes, but not significantly different in a material way. So it throws me a bit whenever I'm reminded that people perceive me differently now and I have this feeling of "shit, better keep doing whatever it is that makes them think I'm a guy!" But I don't know what that is.
Doesn't help that the cis people in my life seem to love reminding me I'm trans. I think they feel like they're being supportive and encouraging when they point out how different I sound or look these days but all it does is A) remind me I'm not REALLY what I'm trying to be, and they know it, and 2) make me aware that people are critiquing details about my appearance when I'd rather they not. I'm guessing this is pretty common for trans people in general.
Having supportive people is good, but it isn't going to give you external validation. It is like having your mom say you're handsome, it is really hard to take that as confirmation but it is healthy to take it just for what it is, being supportive! You'll just need some outside parties to give you validation and confidence as well. And also mom can be pretty annoying but they're not necessarily being too critical, just trying to help and love.
And sounds like you are getting that and are doing well? I wouldn't sweat it if you're not sure how you're pulling it off if you actually are, just being yourself and being comfortable is like the end goal I would think. Always having to be overly conscious is maybe how you get there but it sounds tiring to stay there.
@Brovid Hasselsmof
Could it be it's not because of anything specific you're doing and it's just that you're clearly a guy & new people who meet you now easily notice that?
While older friends/family might be struggling a bit because they have a loved image of you from before & need a bit of time to let go?
I can't directly relate in terms of gender identity,
but... with some other relationship & sexual identity stuff, my newer friends find it easy to accept me for who I am while some older friends and family are... adjusting slowly : /
But that's their problem - I know who I am & it's OK if they need a couple of months (hopefully not years) to fully understand, realise this isn't a phase, this isn't something I'm "trying to be", it's just how I've always been and now they know
Change is hard I guess...
That was without any traumatic events within the year related to being me publicly.
It's basically completely gone now tho
That's reassuring to hear. I think part of the issue is I don't feel that different than before transitioning. More comfortable yes, but not significantly different in a material way. So it throws me a bit whenever I'm reminded that people perceive me differently now and I have this feeling of "shit, better keep doing whatever it is that makes them think I'm a guy!" But I don't know what that is.
Doesn't help that the cis people in my life seem to love reminding me I'm trans. I think they feel like they're being supportive and encouraging when they point out how different I sound or look these days but all it does is A) remind me I'm not REALLY what I'm trying to be, and they know it, and 2) make me aware that people are critiquing details about my appearance when I'd rather they not. I'm guessing this is pretty common for trans people in general.
I am not sure whether I pass or not because I don't have any people I've recently met who I am comfortable enough to ask about this. Certainly no one seems to struggle at work when introduced to me as male, but that doesn't mean much. And coronavirus means I haven't interacted with much of anyone face to face for months so I can't tell how they read me.
I do think a lot about how gay I seem though, since that isn't generally my goal but it is what I give off
Can I ask you something?
(Something potentially totally ignorant and dumb - if so, sincere apologies)
Shouldn't the burden of correctly recognising your gender be on other people and not on you?
One of my friends regularly gets misgendered when going out (he's of a slim build and, apparently, from the back he can look like a woman to drunk guys hoping to flirt with someone)
But in those instances, all the embarrassment, apologies and awkwardness was on part of the other person who mistook his gender, not on him
I get that it's a part of his cis privilege to see these events as funny stories to tell instead of something that could rock his sense of self, his masculine identity and his well-being
But... when he got misgendered, he got plenty of "sorry mate", "oh, I had a few, sorry" etc. and he hasn't felt pressured to change how he holds himself
Why would you deserve any less from others?
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Realistically deserve doesn't really factor into it
+19
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GrogMy sword is only steelin a useful shape.Registered Userregular
Shouldn't the burden of correctly recognising your gender be on other people and not on you?
Gender is both how the individual feels and how society perceives them. It's why trans people can feel pressured to perform their role more than their cis counterparts and it's why a trans person can 'pass' perfectly well and still feel dysphoria.
Mr Hasselsmof cuts to the core of it. Whether a disabled person deserves to be treated like furniture is immaterial to the fact that they are treated like furniture by society at large. Yes, we want to change society and how it treats us, but in the meantime we have to find ways to cope with what it does to us.
Can I ask you something?
(Something potentially totally ignorant and dumb - if so, sincere apologies)
Shouldn't the burden of correctly recognising your gender be on other people and not on you?
One of my friends regularly gets misgendered when going out (he's of a slim build and, apparently, from the back he can look like a woman to drunk guys hoping to flirt with someone)
But in those instances, all the embarrassment, apologies and awkwardness was on part of the other person who mistook his gender, not on him
I get that it's a part of his cis privilege to see these events as funny stories to tell instead of something that could rock his sense of self, his masculine identity and his well-being
But... when he got misgendered, he got plenty of "sorry mate", "oh, I had a few, sorry" etc. and he hasn't felt pressured to change how he holds himself
Why would you deserve any less from others?
A lot of cis guys would wonder how they could present more masc (wouldn't think about it in those words necessarily) if they routinely got misgendered. Sounds like your friend is unusually confident, which is good for him. Obviously it's harder to have that confidence if your gender is more recently come by and is not the traditional manifestation of such.
In general, we grow up experiencing a society where a failure of masculinity is really impermissible/intensely mockable--and what greater failure than, yknow, not actually having a dick? Ideally, an enlightened person could understand this, intellectually, as a toxic attitude, and decide to define their own masculinity/be confident in their identity even if it was come to later in life and is still rough around the edges. But for your average person, that intellectual knowledge is probably not enough to erase a lifetime of social conditioning.
And a person might have a specific vision of masculinity they want to fulfill, and that might be both for their own eyes and for other people. Even if you come to accept yeah ok sure I'm whatever gender I say I am, you might not want to be that *type* of guy--it's just not your aesthetic or your goal.
On another note, often the barbershop is a big source of gender euphoria for transmasculine types and I got such a good haircut today
ok maybe not the best angle to actually see it but trust me it is nice
too bad I did a whole round of job interviews with 1-2 months long hair, obviously now I will stun them with my good looks :P
Steam, LoL: credeiki
+24
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
I've still never ventured to a barber. I don't know if I will, even though I know getting a proper cut would probably feel good, just cos I'm so used to buzzing my head now. Too lazy to do anything requiring going somewhere and talking to a person.
On that topic I clipped my hair the other day and realised I'm totally starting to get the paternal family hairline
+25
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jaziekBad at everythingAnd mad about it.Registered Userregular
That shit sneaks up on ya doesn't it.
I'm looking at surgery prices to try and rectify mine a bit. It isn't cheap, but its also my biggest source of dysphoria by a mile, so I'll chuck whatever money I have to at it to fix it.
Unfortunately @Brovid Hasselsmof really reminds me of my highschool crush with the buzz cut so now I have to remind my dumb poly brain he's not the same person, high school has been over for a long time and my feelings are also over X)
Only two days ago someone tried to discuss her in a voicechat where I was present and tried to argue her "concerns" were about "distribution of resources"
That shit also spills over into other countries, it's hugely damaging
Platy on
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Yeah I understand she does do actual damage and I shouldn't be so flippant. I just wanted to do a sick burn
Only two days ago someone tried to discuss her in a voicechat where I was present and tried to argue her "concerns" were about "distribution of resources"
Wh.. what?
How - like for shelters etc.?
I'm so disappointed in JKR
Really angers me that she thinks she can speak for all domestic violence victims & acts like she's some gatekeeper of womanhood, grrrr. I'm never buying anything HP-related again : (
Yeah it was more of a heads up that the fucking Dork Lord of the Cis is at it again.
But the more I think about it, you ever notice whenever there's a "what if nazis in modern day?" story there's always some british lady who's always "just saying" things and "just asking" questions?
But the more I think about it, you ever notice whenever there's a "what if nazis in modern day?" story there's always some british lady who's always "just saying" things and "just asking" questions?
Interesting - it sure does!
Art imitates life, eh?
I've been misgendered at work a few times over the past few days and it has been a harsh reminder of how much I don't pass: no electrolysis on my face, no voice training, a generally dumpy & androgynous body, and a wardrobe full of generic nerd shirts, jeans, & sports bras.
I wish I could change all that but ya know... pandemic, my brain problems, my debt & poverty. It sucks and I regret not doing my transition faster in the past... even though I wonder how I would have managed that back then when my brain problems and poverty were worse. Still! I feel like garbage.
jaziekBad at everythingAnd mad about it.Registered Userregular
The state of trans care in the UK is just truly truly shit.
I just want reliable access to hrt, and a doctor who will give even the slightest fuck about my progress. Is that really too much to ask. I'm willing to pay whatever I need to, but apparently it's just impossible.
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
The British Medical Association passed a motion in support of trans rights at its Annual Representatives Meeting on Tuesday.
The BMA motion declares the union supports: self-declaration of gender for trans and non-binary people, continued access to gender-related healthcare for under-18s, trans people accessing healthcare in settings “appropriate to their gender identity”, ensuring trans healthcare workers can access facilities of the gender they identify as, and ensuring all trans people can access gendered spaces in line with their gender identity.
“We as doctors are in a unique position, because we’re asked to take an active role in people’s transitions,” said Dr Grace Allport, who spoke in favour of the motion at the BMA’s virtual ARM yesterday.
“I hope the BMA ruling gets doctors to reflect on what we’re trying to do here,” she added. “And I hope GPs who are concerned about providing treatment like hormones will see that they have the backing of the medical community at large.”
Then the Trades Union Congress, which represents 5.5 million workers in 48 unions, passed its own motion supporting GRA reform and condemning anti-trans rhetoric in media
Many conservatives have tried to portray trans rights as a danger to women and also children. This is reminiscent of homophobic lies of the past and we reject this.
It's nice to get a bit of good news every now and then, to combat people like the evil wizard lady
+52
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WeaverWho are you?What do you want?Registered Userregular
Six vials of blood to test my hormone levels? Holy crap somebody get me some orange juice.
+1
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WeaverWho are you?What do you want?Registered Userregular
I don't have the test results back yet, but my visit with the surgeon this morning did not go well and that's all I want to say about it right now.
Mostly just huntin' monsters.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
+33
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jaziekBad at everythingAnd mad about it.Registered Userregular
yesterday evening was the first time I've looked in the mirror and thought "hey. I might actually pass one day."
Not that I do now, but just that it's a possibility.
And that's progress.
Went to court yesterday to get my name updated. It went smoothly. Felt great!
What really got me, though, was a trans child who went before me, their parents speaking on their behalf for their name change. They were so strongly supportive; it was wonderful. I wanted to jump up and hug them, lol.
This is in Alabama.
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
That was a lie I said there, I don't know all the answers. But I do have the one, which is that I'm pretty sure I'm transgender.
I don't know what it will mean or what I want to do about it, but it does clear up a lot of things that have been present over my entire life.
Not even sure what changes I want to make. Like, the whole wave a magic wand/get a wish/snap fingers thing would be extraordinarily straightforward. But that's not how it works yet, there'd be a process and I don't know how I feel about that. It'll probably take a while to figure it out.
I just wanted to let y'all know, since the atmosphere of these forums in general is a big part of why I could even identify what the something-not-correct is. So thanks for being here and for all of you being who you are, I love you all.
Thrilled for you, @Aistan - even if it seems murky or scary where you are right now, the process of figuring yourself out is so wonderful and rewarding.
Feel free to message if you need another person to talk to!
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
Posts
That's reassuring to hear. I think part of the issue is I don't feel that different than before transitioning. More comfortable yes, but not significantly different in a material way. So it throws me a bit whenever I'm reminded that people perceive me differently now and I have this feeling of "shit, better keep doing whatever it is that makes them think I'm a guy!" But I don't know what that is.
Doesn't help that the cis people in my life seem to love reminding me I'm trans. I think they feel like they're being supportive and encouraging when they point out how different I sound or look these days but all it does is A) remind me I'm not REALLY what I'm trying to be, and they know it, and 2) make me aware that people are critiquing details about my appearance when I'd rather they not. I'm guessing this is pretty common for trans people in general.
Having supportive people is good, but it isn't going to give you external validation. It is like having your mom say you're handsome, it is really hard to take that as confirmation but it is healthy to take it just for what it is, being supportive! You'll just need some outside parties to give you validation and confidence as well. And also mom can be pretty annoying but they're not necessarily being too critical, just trying to help and love.
And sounds like you are getting that and are doing well? I wouldn't sweat it if you're not sure how you're pulling it off if you actually are, just being yourself and being comfortable is like the end goal I would think. Always having to be overly conscious is maybe how you get there but it sounds tiring to stay there.
Could it be it's not because of anything specific you're doing and it's just that you're clearly a guy & new people who meet you now easily notice that?
While older friends/family might be struggling a bit because they have a loved image of you from before & need a bit of time to let go?
I can't directly relate in terms of gender identity,
but... with some other relationship & sexual identity stuff, my newer friends find it easy to accept me for who I am while some older friends and family are... adjusting slowly : /
But that's their problem - I know who I am & it's OK if they need a couple of months (hopefully not years) to fully understand, realise this isn't a phase, this isn't something I'm "trying to be", it's just how I've always been and now they know
Change is hard I guess...
I am not sure whether I pass or not because I don't have any people I've recently met who I am comfortable enough to ask about this. Certainly no one seems to struggle at work when introduced to me as male, but that doesn't mean much. And coronavirus means I haven't interacted with much of anyone face to face for months so I can't tell how they read me.
I do think a lot about how gay I seem though, since that isn't generally my goal but it is what I give off
(Something potentially totally ignorant and dumb - if so, sincere apologies)
Shouldn't the burden of correctly recognising your gender be on other people and not on you?
One of my friends regularly gets misgendered when going out (he's of a slim build and, apparently, from the back he can look like a woman to drunk guys hoping to flirt with someone)
But in those instances, all the embarrassment, apologies and awkwardness was on part of the other person who mistook his gender, not on him
I get that it's a part of his cis privilege to see these events as funny stories to tell instead of something that could rock his sense of self, his masculine identity and his well-being
But... when he got misgendered, he got plenty of "sorry mate", "oh, I had a few, sorry" etc. and he hasn't felt pressured to change how he holds himself
Why would you deserve any less from others?
Gender is both how the individual feels and how society perceives them. It's why trans people can feel pressured to perform their role more than their cis counterparts and it's why a trans person can 'pass' perfectly well and still feel dysphoria.
Mr Hasselsmof cuts to the core of it. Whether a disabled person deserves to be treated like furniture is immaterial to the fact that they are treated like furniture by society at large. Yes, we want to change society and how it treats us, but in the meantime we have to find ways to cope with what it does to us.
So sorry to hear what you all have to deal with day to day : ((
Hang in there **
I hope every person who gets to meet you, be friends with you, works with you etc. becomes an agent of that positive societal change
But boy howdy was I anxious sending him a polite "well actually" message...
A lot of cis guys would wonder how they could present more masc (wouldn't think about it in those words necessarily) if they routinely got misgendered. Sounds like your friend is unusually confident, which is good for him. Obviously it's harder to have that confidence if your gender is more recently come by and is not the traditional manifestation of such.
In general, we grow up experiencing a society where a failure of masculinity is really impermissible/intensely mockable--and what greater failure than, yknow, not actually having a dick? Ideally, an enlightened person could understand this, intellectually, as a toxic attitude, and decide to define their own masculinity/be confident in their identity even if it was come to later in life and is still rough around the edges. But for your average person, that intellectual knowledge is probably not enough to erase a lifetime of social conditioning.
And a person might have a specific vision of masculinity they want to fulfill, and that might be both for their own eyes and for other people. Even if you come to accept yeah ok sure I'm whatever gender I say I am, you might not want to be that *type* of guy--it's just not your aesthetic or your goal.
On another note, often the barbershop is a big source of gender euphoria for transmasculine types and I got such a good haircut today
ok maybe not the best angle to actually see it but trust me it is nice
too bad I did a whole round of job interviews with 1-2 months long hair, obviously now I will stun them with my good looks :P
On that topic I clipped my hair the other day and realised I'm totally starting to get the paternal family hairline
I'm looking at surgery prices to try and rectify mine a bit. It isn't cheap, but its also my biggest source of dysphoria by a mile, so I'll chuck whatever money I have to at it to fix it.
Also, to state the obvious, both your haircuts look great @Brovid Hasselsmof and @credeiki
Unfortunately @Brovid Hasselsmof really reminds me of my highschool crush with the buzz cut so now I have to remind my dumb poly brain he's not the same person, high school has been over for a long time and my feelings are also over X)
Only two days ago someone tried to discuss her in a voicechat where I was present and tried to argue her "concerns" were about "distribution of resources"
That shit also spills over into other countries, it's hugely damaging
How - like for shelters etc.?
I'm so disappointed in JKR
Really angers me that she thinks she can speak for all domestic violence victims & acts like she's some gatekeeper of womanhood, grrrr. I'm never buying anything HP-related again : (
But the more I think about it, you ever notice whenever there's a "what if nazis in modern day?" story there's always some british lady who's always "just saying" things and "just asking" questions?
Interesting - it sure does!
Art imitates life, eh?
I wish I could change all that but ya know... pandemic, my brain problems, my debt & poverty. It sucks and I regret not doing my transition faster in the past... even though I wonder how I would have managed that back then when my brain problems and poverty were worse. Still! I feel like garbage.
If I win the lottery, let's split the winnings and both buy some quality bras...
jender kritical rowling
I just want reliable access to hrt, and a doctor who will give even the slightest fuck about my progress. Is that really too much to ask. I'm willing to pay whatever I need to, but apparently it's just impossible.
Then the Trades Union Congress, which represents 5.5 million workers in 48 unions, passed its own motion supporting GRA reform and condemning anti-trans rhetoric in media
It's nice to get a bit of good news every now and then, to combat people like the evil wizard lady
I laughed way too hard at this.
YEP
now imagine you're getting 4 more vials for some other tests at the same time
and you're hemophobic
that's what happened the first time I got my tests for HRT and I will never. do. that. much. again.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Not that I do now, but just that it's a possibility.
And that's progress.
But I know all of the answers already, really.
What really got me, though, was a trans child who went before me, their parents speaking on their behalf for their name change. They were so strongly supportive; it was wonderful. I wanted to jump up and hug them, lol.
This is in Alabama.
I don't know what it will mean or what I want to do about it, but it does clear up a lot of things that have been present over my entire life.
Not even sure what changes I want to make. Like, the whole wave a magic wand/get a wish/snap fingers thing would be extraordinarily straightforward. But that's not how it works yet, there'd be a process and I don't know how I feel about that. It'll probably take a while to figure it out.
I just wanted to let y'all know, since the atmosphere of these forums in general is a big part of why I could even identify what the something-not-correct is. So thanks for being here and for all of you being who you are, I love you all.
Feel free to message if you need another person to talk to!