When I was in the service, we pulled into Bermuda as a liberty port, and I had pier watch. This wasnt due to the 'state of war' which existed between Iraq and America - the First Bush War - but mostly to make sure my shipmates didnt fall off the pier from drunkenness.
Sure enough, sometime in the am, one of the engineers comes back (on a moped) wasted, yelling that the (sorry, folks, this is what he said) n*****-jiggers were comming after him. Then he pulls down his shorts, whips out his dick and starts waving it at the hills, yelling "Come and get this, n*****-jiggers!"
"Uhhhh....Quarterdeck? Pier. I'm....gonna need some help. I got a live one."
edit: Bleeped out a naughty word; sorry, we can't use that word on these boards - ElJeffe
Sword_of_Light on
"I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. "
This thread has been entertaining, so I guess I'll contribute my story.
Years ago I was at a high-school forensics tournament (competitive speech and debate, if anyone is wondering) and we had finished all the day's events. Everyone was standing in a long hallway clustered into their respective school groups waiting for the auditorium to be opened and winners to be declared. I was leaning backward against a row of lockers thinking about a match earlier that day, hands in my pockets, while my friends joked and discussed their events around me. I was sort of a quiet kid, and although I had a loud speaking voice I was not at the time accustomed to joining in and laughing it up with the rest of my friends. Besides, I had things to think about.
One wag was having a good time leaping leaping suddenly at people who were busy talking. He had a hooded sweatshirt with the hood drawn up tight around his face so that only his nose was visible, and his game was to jump forward and startle you. I was deep in thought and didn't notice. Soon he noticed me though, and walked forward nonchalantly until he was in range. "BLAAUUGH," he said in a slightly raised voice while jumping forward at me.
I immediately stepped backward—or would have, if my back hadn't been against the lockers already. Without thinking I tore my hands out of my pockets and put them between me and whatever object tripped the collision alarm—only for some reason my right hand made a fist.
What everyone else saw was my throwing an impromptu right hook square in the guy's face, and him stumbling back bleeding.
To be honest, I really didn't have any intention of hitting him, not even out of fear. I was only trying to block whatever projectile was coming toward me. Everyone else still found the whole affair monstrously funny (my coach most of all). There were no hard feelings—just a mild nosebleed—and despite my protestations I found myself referred to as "Captain KO" for a few months afterwards. Good times, I guess.
Similar thing happened to me in grade school. We were playing manhunt or some game where you have to find and tag others. I was hiding on the jungle gym, in what I thought was a good spot, since it was high up so I'd have visibility if the tagger came after me. Well, it didn't work so well. I was crouched down looking one way, and the tagger kid somehow got around behind me and snuck up on me. I had no idea anyone was there, so when he grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to yell "I got you!" I found my fist balling as a defense mechanism. I clocked the kid squarely across the face with all my force and knocked him on his ass. He just looked up at me like "WTF?" I felt so horrible.
Then I walked with him to the office so he could get ice for his face. Before we went in he said "don't worry I won't tell on you" and I immediately said "ok thanks!" and ran off to play more. Yeah, I was kind of a jerk. But we became pretty good friends for a while after that, so it turned out alright.
The "n-word" isn't allowed on these forums, Sword_of_Light. You should edit it out before a mod does it for you.
I figured that was likely, but my philosophy is that it shouldnt be edited out if thats actually what happened - similar to the 'revisions' that some school publications of Tom Sawyer have. No, Mark Twain wasnt being racist, he was showing how people spoke in that place and time, and using that as a method of storytelling.
I'm not drawing a direct comparison to myself and Twain, mind you, I merely present the story as it happened, and let the reader make their own conclusions.
Sword_of_Light on
"I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. "
The "n-word" isn't allowed on these forums, Sword_of_Light. You should edit it out before a mod does it for you.
I figured that was likely, but my philosophy is that it shouldnt be edited out if thats actually what happened - similar to the 'revisions' that some school publications of Tom Sawyer have. No, Mark Twain wasnt being racist, he was showing how people spoke in that place and time, and using that as a method of storytelling.
I'm not drawing a direct comparison to myself and Twain, mind you, I merely present the story as it happened, and let the reader make their own conclusions.
Nono, you don't get it.
The "n-word" is not allowed on this forum. As in, you are not allowed to post it. Not at all.
Everyone knows it's retarded, but we're really not allowed to post it. As you can see ElJeffe editted your post for you now.
The "n-word" isn't allowed on these forums, Sword_of_Light. You should edit it out before a mod does it for you.
I figured that was likely, but my philosophy is that it shouldnt be edited out if thats actually what happened - similar to the 'revisions' that some school publications of Tom Sawyer have. No, Mark Twain wasnt being racist, he was showing how people spoke in that place and time, and using that as a method of storytelling.
I'm not drawing a direct comparison to myself and Twain, mind you, I merely present the story as it happened, and let the reader make their own conclusions.
Nono, you don't get it.
The "n-word" is not allowed on this forum. As in, you are not allowed to post it. Not at all.
Everyone knows it's retarded, but we're really not allowed to post it. As you can see ElJeffe editted your post for you now.
Yes. I do get it. I've been on BBS sites long enough to know whats kosher and whats not. Its a personal policy of mine - I wont use words on a BBS that I wouldnt regularly use in conversation, but I will not edit myself if I'm presenting facts. That story happened, word for word - and when I tell it (usually as part of a 'oh, yeah, I've got a drunk story to beat that), I always appologize before hand, and then I tell it, whole cloth. I've got no problem with the moderators editing it - thats what mods are for. My intention isnt to offend - its to highlight what was, I think you'll agree, some seriously screwed up behavior. Behavior which wasnt appropriate, and I'm not going to pull my punches presenting that, even if it means getting edited, or banned.
Sword_of_Light on
"I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. "
The "n-word" isn't allowed on these forums, Sword_of_Light. You should edit it out before a mod does it for you.
I figured that was likely, but my philosophy is that it shouldnt be edited out if thats actually what happened - similar to the 'revisions' that some school publications of Tom Sawyer have. No, Mark Twain wasnt being racist, he was showing how people spoke in that place and time, and using that as a method of storytelling.
I'm not drawing a direct comparison to myself and Twain, mind you, I merely present the story as it happened, and let the reader make their own conclusions.
Nono, you don't get it.
The "n-word" is not allowed on this forum. As in, you are not allowed to post it. Not at all.
Everyone knows it's retarded, but we're really not allowed to post it. As you can see ElJeffe editted your post for you now.
Yes. I do get it. I've been on BBS sites long enough to know whats kosher and whats not. Its a personal policy of mine - I wont use words on a BBS that I wouldnt regularly use in conversation, but I will not edit myself if I'm presenting facts. That story happened, word for word - and when I tell it (usually as part of a 'oh, yeah, I've got a drunk story to beat that), I always appologize before hand, and then I tell it, whole cloth. I've got no problem with the moderators editing it - thats what mods are for. My intention isnt to offend - its to highlight what was, I think you'll agree, some seriously screwed up behavior. Behavior which wasnt appropriate, and I'm not going to pull my punches presenting that, even if it means getting edited, or banned.
If I recall correctly, the issue was that a PA thread was returned in the results when you googled that word.
The "n-word" isn't allowed on these forums, Sword_of_Light. You should edit it out before a mod does it for you.
I figured that was likely, but my philosophy is that it shouldnt be edited out if thats actually what happened - similar to the 'revisions' that some school publications of Tom Sawyer have. No, Mark Twain wasnt being racist, he was showing how people spoke in that place and time, and using that as a method of storytelling.
I'm not drawing a direct comparison to myself and Twain, mind you, I merely present the story as it happened, and let the reader make their own conclusions.
Nono, you don't get it.
The "n-word" is not allowed on this forum. As in, you are not allowed to post it. Not at all.
Everyone knows it's retarded, but we're really not allowed to post it. As you can see ElJeffe editted your post for you now.
Yes. I do get it. I've been on BBS sites long enough to know whats kosher and whats not. Its a personal policy of mine - I wont use words on a BBS that I wouldnt regularly use in conversation, but I will not edit myself if I'm presenting facts. That story happened, word for word - and when I tell it (usually as part of a 'oh, yeah, I've got a drunk story to beat that), I always appologize before hand, and then I tell it, whole cloth. I've got no problem with the moderators editing it - thats what mods are for. My intention isnt to offend - its to highlight what was, I think you'll agree, some seriously screwed up behavior. Behavior which wasnt appropriate, and I'm not going to pull my punches presenting that, even if it means getting edited, or banned.
If I recall correctly, the issue was that a PA thread was returned in the results when you googled that word.
Yup, so someone from the higher ups said "I don't want PA to come up when people google for n****, no matter what."
How's that for an embarrassing story? (for PA, I mean)
A while back me and some friends had fun pissing about on grouphug. Well this gets taken to its logical conclusion, we start posting fake ones about each other seeding a handful of words so that we’d know one of us had posted one.
Finding one done about me and suspecting who it was I type up a particularly vicious one on my brothers pc, talking about how I get off too gay pokemon porn, my secret gay lover etc (in retrospect pretty childish, but it made us laugh). So anyway I run this through word, post it and switch the pc off as it takes far too long to wait for it to boot down.
I prance off to do whatever, when at a later point my mum comes up to me. “I booted your brothers computer up to print something off and found an unsaved document, I don’t like you using that language (swears were sprinkled liberally throughout)†I explained the whole thing and it was never brought up again. I’m still not sure whether she believed me or is convinced I’m some kind of super pervert.
I was getting home from the movies with my stepfather and brother, my brother gets out of the car and just as was about to my stepdad says hold on a minute. So I wait and he starts to talk to me about the usual crap I don't care to listen to, and finishes with "Oh and I borrowed one of your skin-flicks" as he hands my now useless porn. I threw it away immediately because if its gonna be watched and borrowed by other people in my own home while they tell me about it i really don't want it.
A while back me and some friends had fun pissing about on grouphug. Well this gets taken to its logical conclusion, we start posting fake ones about each other seeding a handful of words so that we’d know one of us had posted one.
Finding one done about me and suspecting who it was I type up a particularly vicious one on my brothers pc, talking about how I get off too gay pokemon porn, my secret gay lover etc (in retrospect pretty childish, but it made us laugh). So anyway I run this through word, post it and switch the pc off as it takes far too long to wait for it to boot down.
I prance off to do whatever, when at a later point my mum comes up to me. “I booted your brothers computer up to print something off and found an unsaved document, I don’t like you using that language (swears were sprinkled liberally throughout)” I explained the whole thing and it was never brought up again. I’m still not sure whether she believed me or is convinced I’m some kind of super pervert.
I submit the preceding evidence for your perusal.
Ninto on
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WulfDisciple of TzeentchThe Void... (New Jersey)Registered Userregular
A while back me and some friends had fun pissing about on grouphug. Well this gets taken to its logical conclusion, we start posting fake ones about each other seeding a handful of words so that we’d know one of us had posted one.
Finding one done about me and suspecting who it was I type up a particularly vicious one on my brothers pc, talking about how I get off too gay pokemon porn, my secret gay lover etc (in retrospect pretty childish, but it made us laugh). So anyway I run this through word, post it and switch the pc off as it takes far too long to wait for it to boot down.
I prance off to do whatever, when at a later point my mum comes up to me. “I booted your brothers computer up to print something off and found an unsaved document, I don’t like you using that language (swears were sprinkled liberally throughout)†I explained the whole thing and it was never brought up again. I’m still not sure whether she believed me or is convinced I’m some kind of super pervert.
What does any of this have to do with being a furry?
Double Deuce on
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WulfDisciple of TzeentchThe Void... (New Jersey)Registered Userregular
edited February 2008
Absolutely nothing? I was following the joke to its logical and somewhat humorous finale. And he comes and makes a below the belt blow about a nickname I picked up decades ago due in part to a dental deformity. Touché!
Though taking it all in stride, his mom finding that sure is embarrassing! Oh and the bruising on yon pokéballs :P
This was in November, myself and my friends were going to a birthday party at the beach. It had a bonfire, but we didn't have a way to put it out. So I run down to the ocean, sip some water into my mouth, run back to the bonfire, lean over and spit in...
as a stream of urine comes out of my friend Drew's dick straight at me. you see, he was under the impression that we'd just piss the fire out.
Instead, I got a headfull of urine and we ended up destroying the fire with vomit.
I'm only telling you this story to tell you another story-
So me and my friends are just joking around, right? The usual homo erotic TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL stuff normal guys joke about. So Drew has a girlfriend, and she (recently) came along the silly idea that Drew is a bisexual. However, she's miles away, right?
So the conversation goes like this
Myself-Remember that time you pissed on me?
Him-Yeah, you were bent over, and I was unzipped
Myself-And my mouth was like 2 inches from your dick?
(Drew's girlfriend had walked into the beginning of the conversation, and had listened to the whole thing)
Yeah, she thinks he's gay now.
And gay for me, none the less.
I caught the poop stories a page or so ago and thought I'd share this one.
Over Christmas break we went down and visited my oldest sister in Florida. It was kind of crowded with five of us jammed into that little apartment, but fun. Anyway, I was sleeping in my sister's roommate's room (said roommate was gone for the break), which had it's own bathroom. One night before dead I took a rather vigorous dump, flushed, brushed my teeth, and went back to reading Stephen King novels.
The next morning I blearily wake up as somebody wanders through the room; my mom is on the way to the bathroom. The door shuts, I hear the toilet seat clink against the tank, and then there's a pause.
Mom wanders back through the living room, and a moment later I hear her ask my sister if she has a plunger.
I didn't say anything, but man, was I ever grinning into the pillow.
So I lived in a crappy apartment building with paper thin walls. My old neighbors got evicted, a new set moved in. Fine . . . except late at night I hear this high-pitched, irritating yapping sound from next door. Dogs aren't allowed in the building, jackasses!
Nevertheless, I kept a friendly facade up the next morning when I spotted my new neighbors in the hall. I said hi, asked if they liked the place, blah blah. Then I said, "You know, your dog kept me up last night."
"What? I . . . I don't--"
"Yeah, last night I heard him yapping and yapping and--" Suddenly, spurred by the uncomfortable look on the couple's faces, I had an epiphany and realized that I hadn't heard a dog; I'd heard them having sex. I didn't even finish the sentence, I just turned around and walked back into my apartment.
That girl sounded exactly like a chihuahua though.
I live in an old apartment with thin walls. I'm on the first floor and the bedroom is right next to the walkway that everyone traverses to go to the laundry room, communal dumpster, etc. I was dating a girl a little while ago who...could get really loud. She had the good sense a couple of times to cover herself with a pillow to muffle her orgasms, although even that didn't help that much (my pillows are a little worn down). She would also shout obscenities during sex, while I could hear some of my neighbors walking by the window. The next day, the neighbors would say hello, but give knowing looks and smirks.
This is second hand and originates from my housemate, so full credit to him:
After being married for a year, he finally told his wife he was gay.
Her response: "So that's why we only had sex when you were really drunk."
A year earlier, at the wedding reception, the opening line of his brothers speech: "And you guys all thought he was gay!"
Wait, so the guy turned gay and then moved in with you?
Is he your life partner?
Aw, that's cute
No, no, he's my housemates boyfriend. And is therefore also my housemate! (He was always gay but lived in the country. Weird societal pressures and all that.)
Prank-Backfire moment from age 12 or 13: A friend and I decided it'd be rad to prank this kid Matthew we hated at school. We found one of those highly convincing 'hand-written' fonts and decided to write the guy the most obscene gay love letter we could from another kid we also hated at school, Mark. It was cruel, graphic, perverse and thusly, hilarious!
So we put his name (Matthew) on the front and dropped it in his post box, signed Mark. On the bus to school the next day they both looked a little concerned. We asked if they'd got any letters in the post. It had worked! Oh, the laughs we shared together!
Of course, the embarrassing part came that night, when my parents got a call from Mark and Matthews parents. Those bastards! They had laughed! They said it was funny! But the worst part was when my parents sat me down and forced me to explain the content of the letter Marks parents had faxed over. Eep.
So I've been staying at my wifes parents house recently and they where nice enough to put us in the room with the computer in it. I definetly use it more than anybody in the house. But one day after I got back from swinging into town I noticed that in the history there was a shitton of porn sites, like so much that anytime you type in the url window five or six porn site urls pop up.
I tried to just leave it alone since it's not my pc but sure enough right after I'm done my wife gets on the computer and afterwords asks me what the fuck is up with all the lesbo/milf seduces young man porn sites in the history. I explained to her that it wasn't me and she believed me. You see, her parents are old fat lesbians. Every dinner is the most embarassing moment of my life, I can't make eye contact.
#2
This is my favorite since I don't normally get embarresed. I was in Iraq on a pretty normal humvee patrol just cruising the streets. I was the squads machine gunner so I'm hanging out up in the turret all cool guyed out. We're pullin rear security so I'm not too worried bout gettin blown up, I got my shades on and might I say I'm looking pretty fly.
We started to head towards a neighborhood that we where familiar with that was full of children. My squad leader sgt fitz was a huge sucker for the kids and his wife had mailed him a gigantic fucking bag of little candies and stuffed animals which he hands up to me to toss out to the kiddies. So I start tossin em out and I had a massive mob of kids and adults alike running behind the truck. There where so damn many that I stopped to pull out my camera and take a picture.
But my driver didn't tell me there was a low hanging powerline across the road. The second I snap the picture I hit the line at around 25mph. It hooked right below my helmet yanking it over my face right in time as my face is smashed into the back of my machine gun. I get yanked out and do a complete front flip, helmet flipping through the air and land flat on my back among hundreds of shocked/laughing iraqis. And my gun was teathered to me to make sure it didn't fly off the truck, so as soon as I open my eyes it comes flipping through the air and slams right ontop of me and busted my face open.
Some Iraqis helped me up and not one of the damn trucks even noticed I was gone but luckily the locals flagged them down. In the end someone stole my helmet and I have a picture of the back of a humvee upside down about five feet in the air.
So I lived in a crappy apartment building with paper thin walls. My old neighbors got evicted, a new set moved in. Fine . . . except late at night I hear this high-pitched, irritating yapping sound from next door. Dogs aren't allowed in the building, jackasses!
Nevertheless, I kept a friendly facade up the next morning when I spotted my new neighbors in the hall. I said hi, asked if they liked the place, blah blah. Then I said, "You know, your dog kept me up last night."
"What? I . . . I don't--"
"Yeah, last night I heard him yapping and yapping and--" Suddenly, spurred by the uncomfortable look on the couple's faces, I had an epiphany and realized that I hadn't heard a dog; I'd heard them having sex. I didn't even finish the sentence, I just turned around and walked back into my apartment.
That girl sounded exactly like a chihuahua though.
Will do, like I said I'm stayin with the in-laws. Once I get my PC set up I'll get it on here ASAP if anyone still cares. It's actually kinda funny, if I remember there's a little girl off on the side lookin at me like :O
Posts
When I was in the service, we pulled into Bermuda as a liberty port, and I had pier watch. This wasnt due to the 'state of war' which existed between Iraq and America - the First Bush War - but mostly to make sure my shipmates didnt fall off the pier from drunkenness.
Sure enough, sometime in the am, one of the engineers comes back (on a moped) wasted, yelling that the (sorry, folks, this is what he said) n*****-jiggers were comming after him. Then he pulls down his shorts, whips out his dick and starts waving it at the hills, yelling "Come and get this, n*****-jiggers!"
"Uhhhh....Quarterdeck? Pier. I'm....gonna need some help. I got a live one."
edit: Bleeped out a naughty word; sorry, we can't use that word on these boards - ElJeffe
Years ago I was at a high-school forensics tournament (competitive speech and debate, if anyone is wondering) and we had finished all the day's events. Everyone was standing in a long hallway clustered into their respective school groups waiting for the auditorium to be opened and winners to be declared. I was leaning backward against a row of lockers thinking about a match earlier that day, hands in my pockets, while my friends joked and discussed their events around me. I was sort of a quiet kid, and although I had a loud speaking voice I was not at the time accustomed to joining in and laughing it up with the rest of my friends. Besides, I had things to think about.
One wag was having a good time leaping leaping suddenly at people who were busy talking. He had a hooded sweatshirt with the hood drawn up tight around his face so that only his nose was visible, and his game was to jump forward and startle you. I was deep in thought and didn't notice. Soon he noticed me though, and walked forward nonchalantly until he was in range. "BLAAUUGH," he said in a slightly raised voice while jumping forward at me.
I immediately stepped backward—or would have, if my back hadn't been against the lockers already. Without thinking I tore my hands out of my pockets and put them between me and whatever object tripped the collision alarm—only for some reason my right hand made a fist.
What everyone else saw was my throwing an impromptu right hook square in the guy's face, and him stumbling back bleeding.
To be honest, I really didn't have any intention of hitting him, not even out of fear. I was only trying to block whatever projectile was coming toward me. Everyone else still found the whole affair monstrously funny (my coach most of all). There were no hard feelings—just a mild nosebleed—and despite my protestations I found myself referred to as "Captain KO" for a few months afterwards. Good times, I guess.
Similar thing happened to me in grade school. We were playing manhunt or some game where you have to find and tag others. I was hiding on the jungle gym, in what I thought was a good spot, since it was high up so I'd have visibility if the tagger came after me. Well, it didn't work so well. I was crouched down looking one way, and the tagger kid somehow got around behind me and snuck up on me. I had no idea anyone was there, so when he grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to yell "I got you!" I found my fist balling as a defense mechanism. I clocked the kid squarely across the face with all my force and knocked him on his ass. He just looked up at me like "WTF?" I felt so horrible.
Then I walked with him to the office so he could get ice for his face. Before we went in he said "don't worry I won't tell on you" and I immediately said "ok thanks!" and ran off to play more. Yeah, I was kind of a jerk. But we became pretty good friends for a while after that, so it turned out alright.
I figured that was likely, but my philosophy is that it shouldnt be edited out if thats actually what happened - similar to the 'revisions' that some school publications of Tom Sawyer have. No, Mark Twain wasnt being racist, he was showing how people spoke in that place and time, and using that as a method of storytelling.
I'm not drawing a direct comparison to myself and Twain, mind you, I merely present the story as it happened, and let the reader make their own conclusions.
Nono, you don't get it.
The "n-word" is not allowed on this forum. As in, you are not allowed to post it. Not at all.
Everyone knows it's retarded, but we're really not allowed to post it. As you can see ElJeffe editted your post for you now.
Yes. I do get it. I've been on BBS sites long enough to know whats kosher and whats not. Its a personal policy of mine - I wont use words on a BBS that I wouldnt regularly use in conversation, but I will not edit myself if I'm presenting facts. That story happened, word for word - and when I tell it (usually as part of a 'oh, yeah, I've got a drunk story to beat that), I always appologize before hand, and then I tell it, whole cloth. I've got no problem with the moderators editing it - thats what mods are for. My intention isnt to offend - its to highlight what was, I think you'll agree, some seriously screwed up behavior. Behavior which wasnt appropriate, and I'm not going to pull my punches presenting that, even if it means getting edited, or banned.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iTjnmFh_tM&NR=1
pleasepaypreacher.net
If I recall correctly, the issue was that a PA thread was returned in the results when you googled that word.
Yup, so someone from the higher ups said "I don't want PA to come up when people google for n****, no matter what."
How's that for an embarrassing story? (for PA, I mean)
Now I don't think it was such a bad move.
Same. I never understood that rule, seeing as how nothing else is censored on the forums, but that reason makes sense.
XBL |Steam | PSN | last.fm
Hahaha, holy shit. I love how if you're watching the masked guy, his mask just crumples as he collapses back inside.
Finding one done about me and suspecting who it was I type up a particularly vicious one on my brothers pc, talking about how I get off too gay pokemon porn, my secret gay lover etc (in retrospect pretty childish, but it made us laugh). So anyway I run this through word, post it and switch the pc off as it takes far too long to wait for it to boot down.
I prance off to do whatever, when at a later point my mum comes up to me. “I booted your brothers computer up to print something off and found an unsaved document, I don’t like you using that language (swears were sprinkled liberally throughout)†I explained the whole thing and it was never brought up again. I’m still not sure whether she believed me or is convinced I’m some kind of super pervert.
I submit the preceding evidence for your perusal.
Though taking it all in stride, his mom finding that sure is embarrassing! Oh and the bruising on yon pokéballs :P
Wait, so the guy turned gay and then moved in with you?
Is he your life partner?
as a stream of urine comes out of my friend Drew's dick straight at me. you see, he was under the impression that we'd just piss the fire out.
Instead, I got a headfull of urine and we ended up destroying the fire with vomit.
I'm only telling you this story to tell you another story-
So me and my friends are just joking around, right? The usual homo erotic TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL stuff normal guys joke about. So Drew has a girlfriend, and she (recently) came along the silly idea that Drew is a bisexual. However, she's miles away, right?
So the conversation goes like this
Myself-Remember that time you pissed on me?
Him-Yeah, you were bent over, and I was unzipped
Myself-And my mouth was like 2 inches from your dick?
(Drew's girlfriend had walked into the beginning of the conversation, and had listened to the whole thing)
Yeah, she thinks he's gay now.
And gay for me, none the less.
Olivia-Hey Ethan
Ethan-Hi
Guy in porn-UNNNNNFFFF
Olivia-...was that Drew?
Ethan-It's not what you
Olivia hangs up
OH SHIT GUYS
You cannot let this opportunity go to waste.
Like sending an email from his address, with a link to a strap on dildo, asking if she'd e interested in getting one.
Over Christmas break we went down and visited my oldest sister in Florida. It was kind of crowded with five of us jammed into that little apartment, but fun. Anyway, I was sleeping in my sister's roommate's room (said roommate was gone for the break), which had it's own bathroom. One night before dead I took a rather vigorous dump, flushed, brushed my teeth, and went back to reading Stephen King novels.
The next morning I blearily wake up as somebody wanders through the room; my mom is on the way to the bathroom. The door shuts, I hear the toilet seat clink against the tank, and then there's a pause.
Mom wanders back through the living room, and a moment later I hear her ask my sister if she has a plunger.
I didn't say anything, but man, was I ever grinning into the pillow.
Nevertheless, I kept a friendly facade up the next morning when I spotted my new neighbors in the hall. I said hi, asked if they liked the place, blah blah. Then I said, "You know, your dog kept me up last night."
"What? I . . . I don't--"
"Yeah, last night I heard him yapping and yapping and--" Suddenly, spurred by the uncomfortable look on the couple's faces, I had an epiphany and realized that I hadn't heard a dog; I'd heard them having sex. I didn't even finish the sentence, I just turned around and walked back into my apartment.
That girl sounded exactly like a chihuahua though.
I live in an old apartment with thin walls. I'm on the first floor and the bedroom is right next to the walkway that everyone traverses to go to the laundry room, communal dumpster, etc. I was dating a girl a little while ago who...could get really loud. She had the good sense a couple of times to cover herself with a pillow to muffle her orgasms, although even that didn't help that much (my pillows are a little worn down). She would also shout obscenities during sex, while I could hear some of my neighbors walking by the window. The next day, the neighbors would say hello, but give knowing looks and smirks.
No, no, he's my housemates boyfriend. And is therefore also my housemate! (He was always gay but lived in the country. Weird societal pressures and all that.)
Prank-Backfire moment from age 12 or 13: A friend and I decided it'd be rad to prank this kid Matthew we hated at school. We found one of those highly convincing 'hand-written' fonts and decided to write the guy the most obscene gay love letter we could from another kid we also hated at school, Mark. It was cruel, graphic, perverse and thusly, hilarious!
So we put his name (Matthew) on the front and dropped it in his post box, signed Mark. On the bus to school the next day they both looked a little concerned. We asked if they'd got any letters in the post. It had worked! Oh, the laughs we shared together!
Of course, the embarrassing part came that night, when my parents got a call from Mark and Matthews parents. Those bastards! They had laughed! They said it was funny! But the worst part was when my parents sat me down and forced me to explain the content of the letter Marks parents had faxed over. Eep.
I tried to just leave it alone since it's not my pc but sure enough right after I'm done my wife gets on the computer and afterwords asks me what the fuck is up with all the lesbo/milf seduces young man porn sites in the history. I explained to her that it wasn't me and she believed me. You see, her parents are old fat lesbians. Every dinner is the most embarassing moment of my life, I can't make eye contact.
#2
This is my favorite since I don't normally get embarresed. I was in Iraq on a pretty normal humvee patrol just cruising the streets. I was the squads machine gunner so I'm hanging out up in the turret all cool guyed out. We're pullin rear security so I'm not too worried bout gettin blown up, I got my shades on and might I say I'm looking pretty fly.
We started to head towards a neighborhood that we where familiar with that was full of children. My squad leader sgt fitz was a huge sucker for the kids and his wife had mailed him a gigantic fucking bag of little candies and stuffed animals which he hands up to me to toss out to the kiddies. So I start tossin em out and I had a massive mob of kids and adults alike running behind the truck. There where so damn many that I stopped to pull out my camera and take a picture.
But my driver didn't tell me there was a low hanging powerline across the road. The second I snap the picture I hit the line at around 25mph. It hooked right below my helmet yanking it over my face right in time as my face is smashed into the back of my machine gun. I get yanked out and do a complete front flip, helmet flipping through the air and land flat on my back among hundreds of shocked/laughing iraqis. And my gun was teathered to me to make sure it didn't fly off the truck, so as soon as I open my eyes it comes flipping through the air and slams right ontop of me and busted my face open.
Some Iraqis helped me up and not one of the damn trucks even noticed I was gone but luckily the locals flagged them down. In the end someone stole my helmet and I have a picture of the back of a humvee upside down about five feet in the air.
they might have been doing it doggy style
Seconded.
STEAM
Will do, like I said I'm stayin with the in-laws. Once I get my PC set up I'll get it on here ASAP if anyone still cares. It's actually kinda funny, if I remember there's a little girl off on the side lookin at me like :O