5 days before our first family vacation in over 3 years my youngest starts getting a runny nose. Today (3 days before we leave) she was up all night coughing and having overall drainage and I've started having the same problem.
If we don't get this vacation I might just break down and cry. A lot. I'm so overworked and exhausted and tired of this house.
This happened like every fucking time we tried to do something over the last year with our kid. Want to visit grandparents for a day? Everyone been healthy for the last 4 weeks? Guess it's time to get a runny noise and a fever the night before.
Most of the time we were able to get a rapid covid test before doing anything (for all 3 of us), and then if we were actually going to see anyone else we would just let them know and ask if they were still ok with us going. We usually did still go.
"The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
Vacations with young children really aren't vacations are they? We haven't even left yet and my stress levels are off the charts.
We found 4 was the first year that they even began to feel like vacations again. And even then it wasn't great. Going places with my 6 and 8 year feel good again now since they can entertain themselves and I can relax finally rather than just having to always be there for them.
I'm still hoping to get to that level. Though we have a 6 y.o. and a 10 y.o., I think the ASD/ADHD may mean we might have to wait until he is 18.
My daughter is very well potty-trained. Pees and poops in the pot or toilet, can hold it in until we get to one, even on a car trip. We're pretty amazed.
Until three days ago, she stopped. She started pooping in her underwear again. First time we figured she was overly excited playing with her grandmother and didn't make a big deal of it. The next day she did it again, but partially in her underwear and partially in the toilet. Yesterday she pooped her pants at daycare. We don't know what to think anymore. She won't tell us what's wrong or why she's doing it.
Today we made her promise to poop in the toilet when we sent her to daycare. We'll see how it goes.
Daily update: She kept her promise and pooped in the toilet in daycare. Back home, we told her how proud of her we were, and even gave her a new toy as a reward.
Then she pooped her pants. Twice.
We're taken away the toy we gave her, and this time made her promise she would poop in the toilet at all times, wherever she is. We'll see how it goes.
Try not to come down to hard on her. It's a super-common thing, and one thing that can contribute to it is stress. If you put too much stress on her - especially by punishing her with the removal of a toy - it may just double-down on the problem. By all means reward her for her successes if you want to. Just keep it upbeat and don't make too big of a deal out of it. The original cause my boil down to something as simple as having a lot of fun and getting distracted until it was too late. You got to make everything associated with bodily functions (including having accidents) as positive and stress free as possible.
If it goes on long enough (this really does happen often, with no real serious reason), then see a medical provider for advice. But really, there's mostly reason to think it'll just be a blip. Kids change to much as they grow, and it's not a straight line forwards.
Good luck, because I know how difficult it can be. Our daughter has only managed to get away from poop accidents in the last year, and she just turned 6. She's had issues with constipation as well as just not being mindful of toileting habits. I think we cleaned more poop out of underwear than you ever will (I hope!) That's what led us to the very very regular potty breaks I mentioned earlier. It's okay, though. The important thing is that she's healthy and doesn't attach any shame to the whole thing.
Adding to this, we always kept our toilet training rewards super small in scale, like getting to pick a single mini M&M small and always staying positive.
Standing idea was to simply deny the reward if something happened that merited rebuke (like if she took off running with an unwiped ass) but we never really had to cross that bridge.
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My daughter is very well potty-trained. Pees and poops in the pot or toilet, can hold it in until we get to one, even on a car trip. We're pretty amazed.
Until three days ago, she stopped. She started pooping in her underwear again. First time we figured she was overly excited playing with her grandmother and didn't make a big deal of it. The next day she did it again, but partially in her underwear and partially in the toilet. Yesterday she pooped her pants at daycare. We don't know what to think anymore. She won't tell us what's wrong or why she's doing it.
Today we made her promise to poop in the toilet when we sent her to daycare. We'll see how it goes.
Daily update: She kept her promise and pooped in the toilet in daycare. Back home, we told her how proud of her we were, and even gave her a new toy as a reward.
Then she pooped her pants. Twice.
We're taken away the toy we gave her, and this time made her promise she would poop in the toilet at all times, wherever she is. We'll see how it goes.
Try not to come down to hard on her. It's a super-common thing, and one thing that can contribute to it is stress. If you put too much stress on her - especially by punishing her with the removal of a toy - it may just double-down on the problem. By all means reward her for her successes if you want to. Just keep it upbeat and don't make too big of a deal out of it. The original cause my boil down to something as simple as having a lot of fun and getting distracted until it was too late. You got to make everything associated with bodily functions (including having accidents) as positive and stress free as possible.
If it goes on long enough (this really does happen often, with no real serious reason), then see a medical provider for advice. But really, there's mostly reason to think it'll just be a blip. Kids change to much as they grow, and it's not a straight line forwards.
Good luck, because I know how difficult it can be. Our daughter has only managed to get away from poop accidents in the last year, and she just turned 6. She's had issues with constipation as well as just not being mindful of toileting habits. I think we cleaned more poop out of underwear than you ever will (I hope!) That's what led us to the very very regular potty breaks I mentioned earlier. It's okay, though. The important thing is that she's healthy and doesn't attach any shame to the whole thing.
Adding to this, we always kept our toilet training rewards super small in scale, like getting to pick a single mini M&M small and always staying positive.
Standing idea was to simply deny the reward if something happened that merited rebuke (like if she took off running with an unwiped ass) but we never really had to cross that bridge.
That's how we roll with our reward systems. We also try to keep to the idea that a reward can't be taken away once it's given, making rewards small (and edible) helps in achieving that second part.
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
We gave Ellie a single gummy bear type treat.
It got to be such a habit for her that one time her best friends father went toilet at our house and then 3 year old Ellie *insisted* that Uncle needed to get a gummy because he went toilet and washed his hands.
Said Uncle keeps trying to get a gummy out of her now for the same thing, but she's politely informed him that he's old enough now to not need a treat for going toilet by himself.
So, our oldest son was almost four before he potty trained and we just did m&ms for a few weeks until he got it down and just kind of quietly let the rewards drop once he was fully trained.
Everything we read or heard from people about potty training made us think that keeping it as low drama as possible and keeping power and control struggles out of it was essential.
Basically, unless they have some kind of disability that specifically impedes it, they're going to figure it out eventually. What you want is for it to be as forgettable as possible for them. You'll remember, sure. But you want it to be about as unmemorable as (hopefully) your toilet training was.
I should add we were extremely fortunate that we had a daycare that accommodated him not being potty trained at the age he was. I know many places require it after a certain age, which creates a lot of pressure for parents and kids who might not be ready.
I've told my roommates multiple times that my goddaughter is going to have a breakthrough in therapy at some point as to why she always craves candy and dropping a deuce
So little pride moment of mine. As some of you may remember, kids are growing up in a bilingual house, but local family and country are primary Spanish (as is his school). I started him last spring (he's 7) on learning English after I had to relearn phonics, and we're at a point now where he's reading at nearly a 4th grade level in English, and hasn't improved much in Spanish. Combo of me being engaged with the teaching and my wife not, and I have found him fun books (Captain Underpants currently) to read. In less than a year, he went from basic phonics to site reading long multi-syllable words.
I also don't know if this is normal, but in school they are starting to learn basic multiplication. It's end of first grade here, beginning of second if he was in the US, and it's pretty straightforward for him. I took him the extra step today and walked through how things like (2 x 4) + (3 x 4) was the same as (5 x 4) and why, so he could calculate out bigger numbers he hadn't done the 4 + 4 + 4 + 4 + 4 method for. That light bulb was fun to watch. It still seems early to be learning it, but I'm glad for that if it is.
Ellie swallowed a tiny doll shoe two days ago. She put it in her mouth, "haha there's a shoe in my mouth!" and *gulp* down it went before we could get to her. We told her she would poop it out in a few days but she didn't believe us and was terribly concerned. Tonight she went poop and sure enough there's a pink plastic doll shoe stuck in the turd. Suddenly the thought that it would be flushed down the toilet was inconceivable to her, first asking, then demanding, that I saved the doll shoe because otherwise her doll's feet would be cold.
So that's how I ended up digging a doll shoe out of a turd in the toilet tonight.
If I realized I would possibly be sifting poop I would have added elbow length nitrile gloves to the baby registry. Seven weeks out from the due date is too late!
Especially since my wife gags at the sight of puke/poop. I’ll likely be the one on turd doody.
Yeah, poop is a big part of kid life and she'll get used to it because you have to. My kids are 5 and 7, and I'm probably in the thousands for poop diapers changed/bums wiped/poop accidents cleaned.
I was super sensitive too, but it's just so continuous that one person doesn't work logistically. I've definitely vomited while changing out the diaper pail a few times, but other than that not so bad.
Ellie swallowed a tiny doll shoe two days ago. She put it in her mouth, "haha there's a shoe in my mouth!" and *gulp* down it went before we could get to her. We told her she would poop it out in a few days but she didn't believe us and was terribly concerned. Tonight she went poop and sure enough there's a pink plastic doll shoe stuck in the turd. Suddenly the thought that it would be flushed down the toilet was inconceivable to her, first asking, then demanding, that I saved the doll shoe because otherwise her doll's feet would be cold.
So that's how I ended up digging a doll shoe out of a turd in the toilet tonight.
If I realized I would possibly be sifting poop I would have added elbow length nitrile gloves to the baby registry. Seven weeks out from the due date is too late!
Especially since my wife gags at the sight of puke/poop. I’ll likely be the one on turd doody.
Yeah, poop is a big part of kid life and she'll get used to it because you have to. My kids are 5 and 7, and I'm probably in the thousands for poop diapers changed/bums wiped/poop accidents cleaned.
I was super sensitive too, but it's just so continuous that one person doesn't work logistically. I've definitely vomited while changing out the diaper pail a few times, but other than that not so bad.
I think evolution has figured out a way to build up your tolerance, too. You start out with the milk poops, which are nothing. (Okay, technically you start out with the meconium poops which look like their shitting out asphalt, but it doesn't smell.) You get inured to the fact that you're regularly dealing with something that came out of your kids butt. Eventually when real food gets introduced, it's so gradual that it's never all of a sudden horrible. And then by the time it's regular people poop, if you're dealing with it it's probably the least horrible thing you're having to take care of. Like, seriously, if I could solve all my kid problems by just having to sniff/touch some poop, this is a bargain I would take. Lucifer, are you listening? Call me.
Kid poop and vomit I can handle. Cat vomit I can't.
My cat(s) burned the puke gag reflex out of me.
Spoilered for... gross
One of the cats my dad had was an absolute mass murderer of rodents. Sometimes 2-3 a night. Her favorite place to leave them dead and lifeless was under my bed or at the side of my bed so I would step on it when I woke up.
She also liked to partake of mouse on occasion, and would almost always puke up half digested mouse somewhere in the house, usually under my bed.
I've seen some things.
Steam - Synthetic Violence | XBOX Live - Cannonfuse | PSN - CastleBravo | Twitch - SoggybiscuitPA
My parents haven't met our kiddo yet, but my wife's parents have come to visit (All fully vaccinated). My parents are pretty upset that they haven't gotten to hold the kid. We were hoping to go down and visit for Thanksgiving but the closer it gets the more wary I am. Covid's still a concern, we'd have to rent a car and drive for 8-10 hours, or get on a plane and that seems real tricky with a 6 month old? Just driving for that long with a six month old seems dangerous. My family isn't really able to come visit us either for a whole variety of reasons, but I do think that would be significantly easier.
Also kid has started rolling over in earnest and he clearly wants to figure out how to crawl but hasn't quite gotten it yet.
First plane flight my oldest ever went on was when he was 6 months old, and it went really well (he spent most of the flight asking the people sitting around us to hold him).
I would not take him on a plane flight during the pandemic, however. An 8-10 hour car ride will either be super easy as your little one sleeps most of the trip, or an exercise in restraint as the baby decides to just scream nonstop the whole time (my niece, ferinstance, hated riding in the car).
Red Raevynbecause I only take Bubble BathsRegistered Userregular
You have the 6 month old, if they want to visit they can do the traveling imo (assuming you want them to visit). 6 months old is pretty young for a long car trip, and although it is possible and people do it, don't forget to adjust your time calculations for stopping to feed and change. Our daughter ate like every hour for a long time, so it would have taken ages to drive somewhere that far. We had a bad time with one long drive (picking Grandma up at the airport ~2-2.5 hours each way) at 4 months old, but recent longer drives have gone well because she's old enough (15 mo old) to explain things to.
An 8-10 hour car ride will Be longer than you think, just keep in mind. For a six month old, you want to be stopping every couple hours (so 3-4 stops) for 30+ minutes each, if you can. To help the baby move around and stretch a bit.
I checked, it's a 10 hour car ride according to google, so probably turn that into a 12+ hour car ride after stops for gas and baby to eat. And then to turn around and do it again a few days later. I am not looking forward to explaining this to my parents. Sigh.
Yeah unless you can do that one at night when they'd mostly be asleep anyway that's a rough car ride.
We did a 3 hour ride when ours was about that age and it was bad enough.
life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
I checked, it's a 10 hour car ride according to google, so probably turn that into a 12+ hour car ride after stops for gas and baby to eat. And then to turn around and do it again a few days later. I am not looking forward to explaining this to my parents. Sigh.
Highly recommend any drive over ~3 hours that one of you rides in the back seat with the little one to keep them company, easily pass snacks, toys, etc. Maybe not as much of an issue at that age, but for our 2 yr old traveling for 14 hours in the car this summer it kept our sanity
I'll just say that everyone told us it's easier to travel with kids who can't crawl yet. We never went far at that stage, but having travelled with kids who can move I fully believe it. I agree with one of you being in the back seat if you drive. 10 hours is a long driving time. I'd probably try to stay overnight somewhere along the way just to break it up. Or at the very least plan it so that they're sleeping a significant amount of the time. If your kid doesn't like being in cars I wouldn't go.
Talked to my dad who agrees us making the trip down there isn't a great idea so we're going to figure out if there's a way they can come visit us. I think I just wanted other people to tell me that it was gonna be rough. Thanks everyone!
I pulled this from the official GA marriage information page when I almost got married back in 2011. How ass-backwards is that?
I have my suspicion that whoever put that page together would agree with you. It's just such a perfect juxtaposition. It seems like a subtle act of rebellion.
Somehow the new craze at my niece's school to play during recess is based on something a few of them saw on television, and my niece came home and wouldn't stop talking about it and how she loves to play it with all of her friends and wanted so badly to watch it on television because it's apparently the absolute most fun thing and she doesn't want to miss out on it.
Once we heard what it was, we told her "no" in no uncertain terms, and she just absolutely lost it, throwing a fit about how we don't ever let her do anything or watch what she wants to or anything (this is a kid with a twenty-dollar-a-week Roblox habit) , and she just won't stop whining about the show and how she's going to be the one missing out.
It's been going on for the last hour, and she just will not stop picking at that fact, and no amount of talking about it will make her stop sulking about it.
What show was it?
Apparently the family of one of her friends has Netflix, and let the kid sit and watch Squid Game with them, of all the fucking things. My niece and her classmates are around 9 - 10 years old, and now they're re-enacting the show at recess with some kind of stop-and-go thing where if they're caught moving by whoever's it, the one who's it points a finger-gun at whoever was caught, fires it, and the out person drops to the ground before going off somewhere else.
...any suggestions as to how to get her off of this show and onto something she ought to be watching?
Ugh that's rough. Squid Game is not appropriate for 9-10 year olds imo. The game itself is just Red Light, Green Light (albeit with pretend guns...).
I imagine she'll probably very over it soon either way? But if you wanted you could teach her the other games in the show? They're based on kids games, and that way she wouldn't be "behind"?
ShadowfireVermont, in the middle of nowhereRegistered Userregular
I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.
But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.
But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to me. Virtual hugs to you, because man can it suck to have to see your kid having neurodiverse behavior that is harmful or painful to them.
Just in case, though, how old is she? Maybe there's something I'm not thinking that would be age appropriate.
From everything I've heard about these things it's best to catch it early. Since she's pretty young you're doing the right thing to involve her pediatrician. The real dangers tend to come later but if you have them addressed at a young age the risk of harm is significantly diminished.
You got this. You're a good parent for being on top of it.
DisruptedCapitalist on
"Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
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ShadowfireVermont, in the middle of nowhereRegistered Userregular
I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.
But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to me. Virtual hugs to you, because man can it suck to have to see your kid having neurodiverse behavior that is harmful or painful to them.
Just in case, though, how old is she? Maybe there's something I'm not thinking that would be age appropriate.
She's 6. So some could genuinely be something she heard on TV or something, but the wording is too specific to make us do anything but worry like fucking crazy about her. I'll just be rocking myself to sleep again tonight so like... ugh..
I know we're doing the right thing by reaching out. Just wasn't sure if there was somewhere else to look here, or other avenues to persue. I just want to make sure she has every tool available to help here.
I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.
But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to me. Virtual hugs to you, because man can it suck to have to see your kid having neurodiverse behavior that is harmful or painful to them.
Just in case, though, how old is she? Maybe there's something I'm not thinking that would be age appropriate.
She's 6. So some could genuinely be something she heard on TV or something, but the wording is too specific to make us do anything but worry like fucking crazy about her. I'll just be rocking myself to sleep again tonight so like... ugh..
I know we're doing the right thing by reaching out. Just wasn't sure if there was somewhere else to look here, or other avenues to persue. I just want to make sure she has every tool available to help here.
Again, I'd reassure you you're doing the right thing. Only advice I'd give you is to push as soon as you feel any slack happening in the process. Speaking from my own experience with the mental health world, sometimes there can be maddening delays and crossed wires and people not telling you they are waiting on some paperwork or something from some other people. When you have conversations, ask them for specific timelines and always ask them questions like "so what is the next step here?" and "are you waiting on anything from me?" and "are you waiting on anything from anyone else?" The more you can keep the process on track and expedited, the more likely that nothing will fall through the cracks.
Which totally sucks. If things progress to a point where you need it, ask your doctor how you could get a social worker to help you. I haven't used one myself (but it's on my list of things to do), but I've heard they can be helpful in just knowing the things you don't and in making sure all the pieces of the various systems actually talk to each other correctly.
I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.
But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
Yeah my 8 year old has said this before too and it's really sad to hear. Sometimes she just gets really hard on herself for no real reason. The other day she dropped something and immediately said she wish she didn't exist. I don't know where it comes from but when she says it I usually drop what I'm doing and sit with her and explain everything as calmly as possible. She seems to feel like she's not allowed to do something wrong or by accident.
Nothing like getting into a shouting match with your fucking 6 year old to make you feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the week. But the boy knows exactly how to get under my skin and when he's mad about something he just escalates everything as high as he can. It doesn't matter if we threaten to take away his TV time or outside time. He just keeps going until we do and then he goes further than that.
Nothing like getting into a shouting match with your fucking 6 year old to make you feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the week. But the boy knows exactly how to get under my skin and when he's mad about something he just escalates everything as high as he can. It doesn't matter if we threaten to take away his TV time or outside time. He just keeps going until we do and then he goes further than that.
Yeah, same. My 10 y.o. yells at me until my flight-or-fight kicks in. I've never harmed him but I have knocked shit out of his hands he was using to drive me insane. And regretted it, always.
I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.
But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to me. Virtual hugs to you, because man can it suck to have to see your kid having neurodiverse behavior that is harmful or painful to them.
Just in case, though, how old is she? Maybe there's something I'm not thinking that would be age appropriate.
She's 6. So some could genuinely be something she heard on TV or something, but the wording is too specific to make us do anything but worry like fucking crazy about her. I'll just be rocking myself to sleep again tonight so like... ugh..
I know we're doing the right thing by reaching out. Just wasn't sure if there was somewhere else to look here, or other avenues to persue. I just want to make sure she has every tool available to help here.
Kate has said things like this when she's in trouble. It's so out of the norm for her that I chalk it up to her trying to find a way to express her feelings and being young she's not sure how to word it. We usually talk it out and everything is fine at the end. I guess what I'm saying, in my opinion, if it's not something that's happening constantly, I chalk it up to her learning how to deal with feelings and trying to express thing.
Nothing like getting into a shouting match with your fucking 6 year old to make you feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the week. But the boy knows exactly how to get under my skin and when he's mad about something he just escalates everything as high as he can. It doesn't matter if we threaten to take away his TV time or outside time. He just keeps going until we do and then he goes further than that.
So, I think everyone is going to snap on their kids at some point. It's how you handle it afterwards that matters. I've yelled at my 5 year old (and totally felt like shit about it later), but I also apologize to him for that at an appropriate later time.
I am 100% convinced that threatening to take things away just doesn't work, at all, cause Cthulhu knows I've tried. If the kid is dysregulated, and then you are, they aren't able to make some kind of emotional/behavioural calculation about if I do X I lose Y.
I think kids are telling us stuff all the time with their behaviour that they aren't going to do verbally, which I am only just starting to get.
Last night the five year old was physically unable to stop tearing around the house and bouncing off the furniture after dinner. Repeated instructions from both me and my wife to slow down did nothing. Putting on my coat and taking him for a walk around the neighbourhood to look at Halloween decorations in the dark with a flashlight for 20 minutes and he was able to be calm inside the house again.
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Ellie (5) has also said a version of "I wish I wasn't borned" a few times. Usually when she's distraught because she's struggling to fall asleep, or I've told her off for the ridiculous amount of toys all over the house and underfoot and things.
But yeah, I'm chalking it up to doing anything she can to express her feelings and also get me to stop telling her off.
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This happened like every fucking time we tried to do something over the last year with our kid. Want to visit grandparents for a day? Everyone been healthy for the last 4 weeks? Guess it's time to get a runny noise and a fever the night before.
Most of the time we were able to get a rapid covid test before doing anything (for all 3 of us), and then if we were actually going to see anyone else we would just let them know and ask if they were still ok with us going. We usually did still go.
I'm still hoping to get to that level. Though we have a 6 y.o. and a 10 y.o., I think the ASD/ADHD may mean we might have to wait until he is 18.
If that.
Adding to this, we always kept our toilet training rewards super small in scale, like getting to pick a single mini M&M small and always staying positive.
Standing idea was to simply deny the reward if something happened that merited rebuke (like if she took off running with an unwiped ass) but we never really had to cross that bridge.
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That's how we roll with our reward systems. We also try to keep to the idea that a reward can't be taken away once it's given, making rewards small (and edible) helps in achieving that second part.
It got to be such a habit for her that one time her best friends father went toilet at our house and then 3 year old Ellie *insisted* that Uncle needed to get a gummy because he went toilet and washed his hands.
Said Uncle keeps trying to get a gummy out of her now for the same thing, but she's politely informed him that he's old enough now to not need a treat for going toilet by himself.
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Everything we read or heard from people about potty training made us think that keeping it as low drama as possible and keeping power and control struggles out of it was essential.
I also don't know if this is normal, but in school they are starting to learn basic multiplication. It's end of first grade here, beginning of second if he was in the US, and it's pretty straightforward for him. I took him the extra step today and walked through how things like (2 x 4) + (3 x 4) was the same as (5 x 4) and why, so he could calculate out bigger numbers he hadn't done the 4 + 4 + 4 + 4 + 4 method for. That light bulb was fun to watch. It still seems early to be learning it, but I'm glad for that if it is.
Yeah, poop is a big part of kid life and she'll get used to it because you have to. My kids are 5 and 7, and I'm probably in the thousands for poop diapers changed/bums wiped/poop accidents cleaned.
I was super sensitive too, but it's just so continuous that one person doesn't work logistically. I've definitely vomited while changing out the diaper pail a few times, but other than that not so bad.
I think evolution has figured out a way to build up your tolerance, too. You start out with the milk poops, which are nothing. (Okay, technically you start out with the meconium poops which look like their shitting out asphalt, but it doesn't smell.) You get inured to the fact that you're regularly dealing with something that came out of your kids butt. Eventually when real food gets introduced, it's so gradual that it's never all of a sudden horrible. And then by the time it's regular people poop, if you're dealing with it it's probably the least horrible thing you're having to take care of. Like, seriously, if I could solve all my kid problems by just having to sniff/touch some poop, this is a bargain I would take. Lucifer, are you listening? Call me.
My cat(s) burned the puke gag reflex out of me.
Spoilered for... gross
She also liked to partake of mouse on occasion, and would almost always puke up half digested mouse somewhere in the house, usually under my bed.
I've seen some things.
Also kid has started rolling over in earnest and he clearly wants to figure out how to crawl but hasn't quite gotten it yet.
I would not take him on a plane flight during the pandemic, however. An 8-10 hour car ride will either be super easy as your little one sleeps most of the trip, or an exercise in restraint as the baby decides to just scream nonstop the whole time (my niece, ferinstance, hated riding in the car).
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We did a 3 hour ride when ours was about that age and it was bad enough.
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
Highly recommend any drive over ~3 hours that one of you rides in the back seat with the little one to keep them company, easily pass snacks, toys, etc. Maybe not as much of an issue at that age, but for our 2 yr old traveling for 14 hours in the car this summer it kept our sanity
I pulled this from the official GA marriage information page when I almost got married back in 2011. How ass-backwards is that?
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I have my suspicion that whoever put that page together would agree with you. It's just such a perfect juxtaposition. It seems like a subtle act of rebellion.
Somehow the new craze at my niece's school to play during recess is based on something a few of them saw on television, and my niece came home and wouldn't stop talking about it and how she loves to play it with all of her friends and wanted so badly to watch it on television because it's apparently the absolute most fun thing and she doesn't want to miss out on it.
Once we heard what it was, we told her "no" in no uncertain terms, and she just absolutely lost it, throwing a fit about how we don't ever let her do anything or watch what she wants to or anything (this is a kid with a twenty-dollar-a-week Roblox habit) , and she just won't stop whining about the show and how she's going to be the one missing out.
It's been going on for the last hour, and she just will not stop picking at that fact, and no amount of talking about it will make her stop sulking about it.
What show was it?
Apparently the family of one of her friends has Netflix, and let the kid sit and watch Squid Game with them, of all the fucking things. My niece and her classmates are around 9 - 10 years old, and now they're re-enacting the show at recess with some kind of stop-and-go thing where if they're caught moving by whoever's it, the one who's it points a finger-gun at whoever was caught, fires it, and the out person drops to the ground before going off somewhere else.
...any suggestions as to how to get her off of this show and onto something she ought to be watching?
I can has cheezburger, yes?
I imagine she'll probably very over it soon either way? But if you wanted you could teach her the other games in the show? They're based on kids games, and that way she wouldn't be "behind"?
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But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.
We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.
It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to me. Virtual hugs to you, because man can it suck to have to see your kid having neurodiverse behavior that is harmful or painful to them.
Just in case, though, how old is she? Maybe there's something I'm not thinking that would be age appropriate.
You got this. You're a good parent for being on top of it.
She's 6. So some could genuinely be something she heard on TV or something, but the wording is too specific to make us do anything but worry like fucking crazy about her. I'll just be rocking myself to sleep again tonight so like... ugh..
I know we're doing the right thing by reaching out. Just wasn't sure if there was somewhere else to look here, or other avenues to persue. I just want to make sure she has every tool available to help here.
Again, I'd reassure you you're doing the right thing. Only advice I'd give you is to push as soon as you feel any slack happening in the process. Speaking from my own experience with the mental health world, sometimes there can be maddening delays and crossed wires and people not telling you they are waiting on some paperwork or something from some other people. When you have conversations, ask them for specific timelines and always ask them questions like "so what is the next step here?" and "are you waiting on anything from me?" and "are you waiting on anything from anyone else?" The more you can keep the process on track and expedited, the more likely that nothing will fall through the cracks.
Which totally sucks. If things progress to a point where you need it, ask your doctor how you could get a social worker to help you. I haven't used one myself (but it's on my list of things to do), but I've heard they can be helpful in just knowing the things you don't and in making sure all the pieces of the various systems actually talk to each other correctly.
Yeah my 8 year old has said this before too and it's really sad to hear. Sometimes she just gets really hard on herself for no real reason. The other day she dropped something and immediately said she wish she didn't exist. I don't know where it comes from but when she says it I usually drop what I'm doing and sit with her and explain everything as calmly as possible. She seems to feel like she's not allowed to do something wrong or by accident.
Yeah, same. My 10 y.o. yells at me until my flight-or-fight kicks in. I've never harmed him but I have knocked shit out of his hands he was using to drive me insane. And regretted it, always.
Kate has said things like this when she's in trouble. It's so out of the norm for her that I chalk it up to her trying to find a way to express her feelings and being young she's not sure how to word it. We usually talk it out and everything is fine at the end. I guess what I'm saying, in my opinion, if it's not something that's happening constantly, I chalk it up to her learning how to deal with feelings and trying to express thing.
So, I think everyone is going to snap on their kids at some point. It's how you handle it afterwards that matters. I've yelled at my 5 year old (and totally felt like shit about it later), but I also apologize to him for that at an appropriate later time.
I am 100% convinced that threatening to take things away just doesn't work, at all, cause Cthulhu knows I've tried. If the kid is dysregulated, and then you are, they aren't able to make some kind of emotional/behavioural calculation about if I do X I lose Y.
I think kids are telling us stuff all the time with their behaviour that they aren't going to do verbally, which I am only just starting to get.
Last night the five year old was physically unable to stop tearing around the house and bouncing off the furniture after dinner. Repeated instructions from both me and my wife to slow down did nothing. Putting on my coat and taking him for a walk around the neighbourhood to look at Halloween decorations in the dark with a flashlight for 20 minutes and he was able to be calm inside the house again.
But yeah, I'm chalking it up to doing anything she can to express her feelings and also get me to stop telling her off.
But it's not a good feeling hear that
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