As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread:

Eurovision 2022 aka the greatest show on earth

PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
edited May 2022 in Social Entropy++

Welcome to Eurovision 2022! You might find yourself surprised to hear that this is what beauty sounds like.

For some reason this year's contest is presented by MorocCanoil Body Mist and Night Body Serum - like an old-timey soap opera. I don't know what that's about!

But there are some things I know! Here's your usual map, courtesy of Wikipedia user Vikkezi:


Red - countries participating in the first semi-final, 10 May
Pink - pre-qualified for the final but also voting in the first semi-final
Blue - participating countries in the second semi-final, 12 May
Light blue - pre-qualified for the final but also voting in the second semi-final

And of course everyone's looking forward to the grand final on 14 May, 21 CEST.

Who among these fine young cannibals has what it takes to win?


Platy on


  • Endless_SerpentsEndless_Serpents Registered User regular
    Hope Britain can maintain its flawless score. This is like golf, right?

  • WotanAnubisWotanAnubis Registered User regular
    Hope Britain can maintain its flawless score. This is like golf, right?

    That depends on the GDP of the country in question.

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Trying to find out what this MorrocCanoil stuff is


    They had sponsoring partners before but those usually didn't have as much of a visual presence

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Give That Wolf A Banana is about yiffing the Big Bad Wolf

    The French entry is the second song in Breton

    The British entry is named "Space Man" but would probably be more appropriately titled "Space, Man" ("I'm up in space... man. Up in a space, man.")

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Four days

  • FlarneFlarne Registered User regular
    I refuse to acknowledge the existence of the semifinals

    Rhesus Positive
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Flarne wrote: »
    I refuse to acknowledge the existence of the semifinals

    One of the contributing factors to the worst Eurovision party I went to was that multiple people had watched both semis so decided that they didn't need to pay attention to the acts and could talk through the ones they had already decided they didn't like

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    I typically only watch the semifinals

    I'm never watching it live, so that aspect doesn't matter, and I'd rather see the bad weird stuff than the bad boring stuff

  • Virgil_Leads_YouVirgil_Leads_You Proud Father House GardenerRegistered User regular

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    I'm going to give each entry a very objective rating

  • honoverehonovere Registered User regular
    So, did anyone watch that amerivision Songcontest? I heard some K-pop act won?

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    From what I saw and heard it didn't seem very ESC-like

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Albania 6/10
    Latvia - 0/10

    God I guess this is why people don't watch the semifinals

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Latvia's song made me feel physically ill

    Lithuania - 5/10
    Switzerland - 1/10
    Slovenia - 3/10
    Ukraine - 6/10
    Bulgaria - 4/10

  • EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    edited May 2022
    honovere wrote: »
    So, did anyone watch that amerivision Songcontest? I heard some K-pop act won?

    Yeah. AleXa’s Wonderland. From Oklahoma

    Enlong on
  • EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    I guess you could call it OK-pop

    JragghenOdinVirgil_Leads_YouWotanAnubisKane Red RobeElvenshaecursedkingBahamutZEROMunkus Beaver
  • scherbchenscherbchen Asgard (it is dead)Registered User regular
    well I was disappointed with the prelims already this year.

    this is what Spain could have had

    this is what Spain did decide to go for

    in the end I am happy to finally have another watch party with at least 4 people again

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Basincore instead of buttercore this year

  • EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    Serbia’s song is captivating.

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Lock me sideways

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Some of those clips inbetween the songs are terrible

  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    Enlong wrote: »
    Serbia’s song is captivating.

    I looked up the lyrics and they're great
    I wonder what’s the secret
    Behind Meghan Markle’s healthy hair?
    I wonder what’s the secret?
    I wonder what’s the secret
    Behind Meghan Markle’s healthy hair?
    I wonder what’s the secret? (I wonder what’s the secret?)

    I think that deep hydration is what it is
    They say that one’s skin and hair show everything clearly
    For example, dark circles around the eyes
    Could indicate liver problems
    Blemishes around the lips, enlarged spleen perhaps?
    Enlarged spleen is not good, it’s not pretty
    And the artist, she needs to be healthy

    Be healthy, be healthy, be healthy
    B-b-b be healthy
    Be healthy, be healthy, be healthy
    She must be, she must be, she must be

    We’re incredibly lucky
    That there’s such a thing as the autonomic nervous system
    I don’t need to control my own heart beats
    The heart beats, the heart beats on its own

    Bright colours of a summer day
    My skirt is on my body,
    My skirt, the dog and I
    The two of us are talking a walk
    We’re counting the steps
    The skirt flows around my leg
    We are taking a walk, and that’s it

    And it doesn’t need to get any better than this
    The heart beats on its own
    I put my trust in it
    Let it beat on its own
    I put my trust in it
    Let it beat, let me breathe
    God, give me health, God, give me health, God, give me health
    (God, give me health)
    I don’t have health insurance

    How will they be able to keep track of me?
    (In the name of health)
    To care for me? (In the name of health)
    The artist, she is invisible (In the name of health)
    You don’t see me, it’s magic (In the name of health)
    The artist, she can be healthy

    Be healthy, be healthy, be healthy
    B-b-b be healthy
    Be healthy, be healthy, be healthy
    She can be, she can be, she can be

    In a healthy body, in a healthy body
    In a healthy body, in a healthy body
    In a healthy body, in a healthy body
    The body is healthy
    So now what?

    A sick mind in a healthy body
    A sad soul in a healthy body
    A desperate mind in a healthy body
    A terrified mind in a healthy body
    So now what?

    Take a moment to donate what you can to Critical Resistance and Black Lives Matter.
    thatassemblyguypookaEnlongRhesus Positive
  • DirtyboyDirtyboy Registered User regular
    edited May 2022
    "They have kept their identities hidden and refuse to answer questions about who's behind the masks. Instead, they have stated that Subwoolfer was established 4.5 billion years ago and lives on the moon."

    Dirtyboy on
    Kane Red Robedurandal4532NarbusfacetiousElvenshaePolaritiepookaHefflingMagellRhesus PositiveZonugaltzeentchlingMunkus BeaverDyvim Tvar
  • NarbusNarbus Registered User regular
    So many ballads. Too many ballads. Why would they boot Latvia and Ireland but let that half-price Randy Newman from Switzerland in? Ugh.
    Most of my friends love that UK song, but it sounds, not surprisingly, like an Ed Sheeran track that didn't make it off the album.

    Thank the moon for Norway's entry, I suppose.

    durandal4532facetiousElvenshaeZeroCowSchadenfreudeRhesus Positive
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    The only criticism I have about Norway's song is that it doesn't sound very wolf-like

    I guess there is a form of howling but it sounds so similar to what is already common in pop songs

  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    I haven't done this in a few years but I am going to do reviews and ratings of each song fair warning a lot of my rating comes from "does this actually sound like a song you might write for any reason other than Eurovision" which tbf has actually been better the last couple years but is still harder than you might think ok here we go.

    Albania: digging the shirtless men with the floofy garments to cover their bottom halves. I like the beat with the kindle middle eastern feel. Lyrics are pretty mediocre, but at least it's like a song song and not Eurovision song. 5/10 strong start

    Latvia: I appreciate the energy, and I do like the bassline and the kinda 70s funk vibe but otherwise what a mess. The rapping was a particular lowlight. He said "bend over and shake your peach", because you know peach is like a butt, and the song is about being vegetarian. Get it???? 2/10

    Lithuania: another bit of a funk bassline, maybe a bit of disco feel... the vibe is nice but there's just not much here. Bonus points for being in her own language. 4/10

    Switzerland: I like his voice, and the lyrics are ok if a bit overwrought. But the backing track is just dire. It's trying for that Eurovision elevator music but it doesn't even have the bombast to make it interesting. If you put his vocal over a better instrumentation I'd like this quite a bit, as it is 4/10

    Slovenia: more disco, huh. Is that a theme of this year? Again, I like the vibe, the instrumentation is nice if a bit generic, but though I appreciate and give bonus points for singing in their native language, there's not enough melody to the vocals. 4/10

    Ukraine: like the traditional clothing and being in their own language. It's a bit disjointed between the singing and the rapping, but I like both. The singing part has a nice melody though it's a bit repetitive. Fun vibe. Dig the flute like instrument. 6/10

    Bulgaria: I had hope from the intro but man this is like soft rock light. The parts where the tempo slows down are pretty rough, and though there are a few parts I like individually it just really doesn't come together. 3/10

    Netherlands: Like the acoustic guitar intro, though it sounds a bit like Everlast's What It's Like. I actually really like this, it sounds like the sort of thing I'd listen to. Could use maybe just a bit more energy on the chorus, but it could easily slide into the cheesy bombast that tends to ruin so many Eurovision songs. Good dynamic change on the bridge and into the ending and cool to see her emotions. 8/10

    Moldova: I love violins and accordions together (my favourite band is the Decemberists after all), so that's cool, but this is not a song. This is... I don't know what it is. Its component parts add up to nothing. And the references to other songs just feels silly. 1/10

    Portugal: The vocals, especially the harmonies, are pretty good. Like that it's a mix of English and Portuguese. The backing track is dreadful, and there are parts where it actively seems like the vocals and backing are conflicting each other. 3/10

    Croatia: I actually really like this. It's definitely a Real Song. Actually it's almost too much of a real song, as much as I hate songs with lyrics that pander to Eurovision it is admittedly a bit odd to have a song about cheating. Would be better if it was about a poly relationship imo. Like that it changes to Croatian at the end. 7/10

    Denmark: This song is great, period. 10/10

    Austria: Pretty good, bit too repetitive though. 7/10

    Iceland: Like this, maybe could have used a bit more energy but it's the sort of thing I'd actually listen to. The times where they all turned at the same time were bit creepy though, like I know it was choreographed but since other than that they just stood facing forward and only did it a few times it just felt weird. And again bonus points for using their own language. 8/10

    Greece: I surprised myself by liking the subtle background autotune at the start, especially considering it was almost entirely acapella. A little dramatic but not completely overwrought, strong vocals, I liked it. 7/10

    Norway: look we all already know this one, I really tried not to like it as much as I do but I do. I'm not generally fond of blatant joke/parody entries but it's an unreasonably catchy song. Bah. 9/10

    Armenia: I really dig this, another song that actually suits my tastes and sounds like a real song. 10/10

    Finland: "hands tied like Jesus on the cross" ???????? also the title of the song and the chorus being jezebel is super suspect too. like I get it it probably doesn't have the same stigma in Finland but still. Also the song itself is pretty mediocre, there are some individual parts I like such as the guitar work, but it really just doesn't come together. 3/10

    Israel: I like his voice but this song is just kind of embarrassing. He should not try to rap, jeepers. Also the chorus has like the exact same melody as Moves Like Jagger. 2/10

    Serbia: I am very confused. 4/10

    Azerbaijan: I like his voice, and the lyrics are fine, and there are parts I really like but it's way too disjointed how frequently it changes, there's no solid throughline. Plus it's super overwrought. 4/10

    Georgia: this definitely crossed the line from offbeat to kinda stupid. It has a bit of charm and I don't hate the sound, but it's way too repetitive. 2/10

    Malta: This is the bland, inoffensive Eurovision I'm used to. I like her voice, and the song is fine but every single bit of it is manufactured cliché. 4/10

    San Marino: This is fine but it's like a knockoff of the blandest 80s hair metal. I appreciate the queerness though it's kinda fucked up they only showed the kiss in silhouette. 3/10 Ok well right after I typed that I looked back and he was riding a mechanical bull so now it's 5/10

    Australia: I've liked Sheldon ever since his first stint on the Voice Australia, his voice is great although he tends to get overwrought. This song definitely suits that adjective, but it's Eurovision so it's kind of unavoidable, and it actually has a cool/good message?? It's not just a generic love song or feel good song??? 7/10

    Cyprus: Upbeat, fun, but another song that's just FINE with nothing remarkable. 4/10

    Ireland: This is fun, I especially like the synth line at the end of the chorus which helps it stand out. Still not super original, sounds like a P!nk song from 2010. Which isn't a completely bad thing, to be fair. 7/10

    North Macedonia: I noticed it earlier but this cements it that this year seems to be a lot of Billie Eilish type singers. Which again, not necessarily a bad thing, and I think this is one of the better ones. The backing music is generic but the beat has just enough syncopation to make it unique and interesting, and I like her vocals and the lyrics are decent, if still fairly generic. 7/10

    Estonia: Loved the beginning and had hope (heh heh), once the chorus hit it was more bland, generic, "uplifting" dreck. I do really like his voice, and the vibe is still distinct with that kinda country/western influence, just wish it was more original. 6/10

    Romania: I like his trousers. The chorus is fairly catchy, but this is just another of those songs that feels like it was engineered by an AI to create a "Eurovision Song". At least it's upbeat and fun. 5/10

    Poland: the beginning sounded a bit too much like the Mad World cover, but it got more energy quickly fortunately. Like his voice, and though this still falls under that generic "pleasant harmony with a vaguely electronica backing" that permeates all pop music these days, especially Eurovision, I feel this is just a step or two beyond that. Not big on the orchestral breakdown though. 7/10

    Montenegro: I like the quiet beginning, nice dynamics as the song builds, and she has a nice voice, but still just completely generic. 5/10

    Belgium: I dig this. I like his voice, and the backing is actually a bit unique with a bit more funk on the bass. 8/10

    Sweden: so another theme I've noticed is that we haven't had many outright love songs, but there have been a lot of lost love or missed love songs, this is probably the best of them. It just feels genuine in a way most Eurovision songs don't. I really believe her. 10/10

    Czech Republic: I like this, though the chorus is unfortunately not only repetitive but about as cliché as you can get. Love the bass and synth in the background though. 6/10

    I'll do the automatically qualified countries after their finals performances. I've only seen a tiny bit of France's.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
  • FlarneFlarne Registered User regular
    So are there any acts that didn’t make it to the final that are worth watching?

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited May 2022
    Albania will be missed

    Georgia tried to be goofy and failed

    There were a couple of songs which were decent but had vocal weaknesses during the live performance

    Platy on
  • NarbusNarbus Registered User regular
    The final starts in 7 minutes, so please join me in enjoying my groups' traditional starting song:

  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Okay I thought this wouldn't happen but I'm hyped

  • Redcoat-13Redcoat-13 Registered User regular
    Narbus wrote: »
    The final starts in 7 minutes, so please join me in enjoying my groups' traditional starting song:

    My mate at university was having a house party and bumped in to the blonde guy from Scooch. He asked if he could come to the house party and my mate said no.

    He then said he’d buy a bunch of alcohol and so got in.

    Here endeth my story about Scooch, a poor man’s Steps.

    PSN Fleety2009
  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy Janitor of Technical Debt .Registered User regular
    Kind of bummed they are doing the IP blocking in the US because some money was to be made.

  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy Janitor of Technical Debt .Registered User regular
    Romania was singing in Spanish, and Portugal was incorporating Flamenco.

    Is España taking over the cultural heart of Europe?

  • NarbusNarbus Registered User regular
    What the fuck, Finland

  • NarbusNarbus Registered User regular
    Italy should just kiss already

  • EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    Platy wrote: »
    The only criticism I have about Norway's song is that it doesn't sound very wolf-like

    I guess there is a form of howling but it sounds so similar to what is already common in pop songs

    Well it’s more of a song about dealing with wolves.

  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy Janitor of Technical Debt .Registered User regular
    Ukraine first place? Ukraine first place.

  • NarbusNarbus Registered User regular
    Spain first place, she fuckin came to win

  • NarbusNarbus Registered User regular
    Cannot belive Lithuania got Liza Minnelli. What a queen.

  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy Janitor of Technical Debt .Registered User regular
    Narbus wrote: »
    Spain first place, she fuckin came to win

    To win a bullfight.

    *Jemaine Clement*: A sexy bullfight.

Sign In or Register to comment.