One of our fighters referring to our Rogue trying to find the "solution" to our problem..
"There's an ANGEL... fighting a DRAGON... that I'm RIDING... and you're f*cking with the walls!"
As we're fighting a Green (Regenerative) Dragon, a large gash is cut open in it's side revealing a few of it's inner organs... our Monk in his finest..
-Gun-Fu Gunner: Okay, I think we should buy some silver bullets. They might come in handy for fighting vampires and stuff.
-Rigger: I dunno man, I might have a problem with them due to allergies (the party rigger is allergic to silver)
-Sniper: What, are you allergic to bullets?
-Hacker: Aren't we all?
The next session, following the gunner's plan on linking an electricity source to a creature, lovingly refered to as the "Entical", and electrocuting it to death (as nothing else would work on it) not quite working.
My group and I were playing a campaign where one of our characters was the "chosen one" and is destined to save the world from the forces of evil, etc, etc. One problem, he isnt very tactful about, well, anything.
At one point we were tracking some kobolds back to their cave. When we found it we saw all the kobolds have been brutally slaughtered and a rather large demon with an aura of black flame and a bloody, flaming sword walks over the pile of bodies and towards us. While the rest of us run our asses off right away (we were level 1 or 2 at the time) our ever-so tactful chosen one says to the demon "I am the chosen one, what does it mean?"
A little bit later we were sent on a mission from one kingdom (the good one) to go to a neighboring kingdom (evil one) to kidnap the evil kings daughter because he was going to sacrifice her to bring about the demonic apocalypse. While the rest of the party goes to talk to the princess to let her know we are there to save her (she didnt know she was going to die), our chosen one goes straight to the king and when he's asked by the king why he is there he responds "We're here to steal your daughter."
We actually caused the demonic apocalypse at level 3.
Wind up to an epic campain of world rescueing proportions we were faced with the embodiment of destruction and hate. However, the DM had forgoten that the party had gotten its hands on a cursed sword which would draw into its self anyone who touched it directly.
The party's rouge just threw it at the end boss and yelled
We have a quotes board that hangs on the DM screen for these. We treat it like a scoreboard.
In our Cthulhu missions, our entries to that board were LEGION. I wish I could remember more of them.
Riding the Orient Express, fighting a vampire:
Chuck - "I know! I go to the dinin' car!"
Keeper - "Ok."
Chuck - "I tell the waiter I'd like a blood puddin', hold the puddin'." Quote - "Hold yer own puddin'!"
Fighting a blob monster weak against salt.
"Hey! Urine has salt in it, doesn't it?"
And I don't remember the context, but 'heavier than a dead priest' is now a viable unit of measurement.
And probably my favorite quote from our Vampire missions:
"I'm just going to go practice my Fortitude."
with the runner up being
Talking about dominate during a firefight - "There's a dead guy next to him! Say 'Necrophilia!'"
In our Werewolf game, no matter what walk of life an NPC came from, supernatural or mundane, from the lowliest hobo to the highest ranking captain of industry, if we PC's shifted into a form other than human or reveal ourselves to be supernatural, the DM would have the NPCs would respond with a calm smirk and the words, "Ah...Garou.", like they were doing a hard calculus problem and finally got the answer.
Us: We're here to end your polluting, Mr. Pentex Executive!
Him: Ah...Garou.
Now, any time IRL when we finally understand a point or story being made, we respond with "Ah...Garou."
Wind up to an epic campain of world rescueing proportions we were faced with the embodiment of destruction and hate. However, the DM had forgoten that the party had gotten its hands on a cursed sword which would draw into its self anyone who touched it directly.
The party's rouge just threw it at the end boss and yelled
"Catch!"
The DM didn't run another game for years.
Since when do embodiments of destruction and hate get defeated by lousy cursed swords? At the very least, they merge into a single entity with the power and desire to consume all life.
It's not technically an RPG story, but I do have a good one from Inkognito.
The characters in Inkognito have terrible names: Agent X, Madame Xha Xha, Colonel Bubbles, and (worst of all) Lord Fiddlebottom. Since I was the owner of the game, I had the unhappy job of making sure everyone understood the rules. Part of this involved reading off all the agent names, and waiting for the horrible jokes and puns to subside. When I got to Lord Fiddlebottom, one guy at the end of the table looked up and said (with a perfectly deadpan expression) "His name used to be Klaus Assfingerer, but he changed it in the fifties."
The hook to the story is that we're all hired by this doctor to find his younger sister who has mysteriously disappeared. I know, not really the most original concept in a CoC game, but it works. I'm playing one of my favorite characters, my Private Eye, Jake Spade. Yeah, I took one of those cheeseball Film Noir names. And I even used to do the Film Noir narrations now and then, until the GM had to stop me because I would end everyone else's sentences with, "The professor said," and things like that. That and my metaphors were getting to the point of being disruptive.
Anyway, we find the sister, and unfortunately we arrived about a day too late, and she was already dead. As a matter of fact, they sacrificed her and burned her body on an altar. So, after dealing with the consequences of being a day late and a dollar short, we show up at the doctor's office. Now, I had been collecting every bit of evidence in mason jars. Blood, strange mucous, gunpowder, and even the girl's ashes (oh, the girl was like 16 or 17). So the professor of the group explains what was going on and the sheer horror behind the whole thing, and the doctor has a small nervous breakdown. The priest in the group comforts him, and he is able to calm him down enough to give us our pay. So as we're walking out the door, I turn around, put the jar of the girl's ashes on his desk and say,
"By the way, here's your sister. Have a nice one, doc."
It went down in our books as one of our most insensitive moments of 2002.
Dan: Dude, is there a brothel there? I haven't been laid in years.
DM- Rich: I'm going to kill you.
Dan: What? I didn't have a shaft when I was a skeleton.
DM-Rich: Going to kill you.
*Rich and Dan fight with a bottle of tea*
Levi: I cast calm animals, on these two.
Jeff: I'm pissing on myself right now.
Dan: They're all comatose. You go comatose a lot. You'll get used to it. (Referring to the PCs that aren't present)
Errik: Hey, can't you fix that with miracle?
Dan: ...... that's the people who aren't here right now, dude.
Josh: Thor want to dance erotically.
Rich - You have a bag of tricks.
Levi: Like.... the cereal?
Rich: No, it's useless shit that produces mice.
Levi: I pelt him with mice.
Rich: Errik, you're pelted with mice.
Errik: Aww, it's on. Ghost sound!
Rich: Jeff stands up with feces all over him.
Levi: I create two gallons of water on him
Rich: You see a human standing there. He takes a great-elf off it's back.
All: ....Great... Elf?
Rich: ..... He takes a great axe off his back.
Peter: I will shove my daggers up your ass.
Josh: I shove my axe up your ass.
Levi: I cast repel metal or stone and repel your metal blades from my ass.
Jeff: Alright, one of you mother fuckers has to cut off his wang.
All: Why are you stepping back?
Josh: So the Balor Doesn't sack me.
Random Wall: Why are you doing this? This portrays an unrealistic image of rocks.
Rich: You are sneak attacking a balor's cock. You are a foul human being.
Our party was rushing to our patron's mansion to stop an assassination attempt in the middle of a local festival when a parade float went out of control and started speeding down a hill towards a crowd of oblivious revelers.
Instead of stopping the float, our mage suggested casting sleep on them so that they'd die peacefully.
Another party member picked up a large ham as an improvised weapon in an earlier fight and it's become a running gag. We were fighting a rust monster and he was using the ham so that it wouldn't eat his metal weapons.
not so much funny as just the reason as to why three out of ten people in my d'n'd group hate me now.
So i was just entering the campaign, had just entered the room and began taking out my character sheets when the DM says "okay everyone roll a charisma check that is opposed by my stats" For some reason when id handed him my sheets he edits my charisma to twenty two. So I rolled and got a twenty three. three people got a lower score and now they have to obey anything I say as through a compulsion
Well, what I have is from a Call of Cthulhu game, in which I'm a Chef that's been sorta dragged on by a bunch of investigators to help them. At the moment, we were running away from the Police because of some things we did, so we decide to break into and hide in a house. The Doctor is searching the house, and gets attacked by two elderly people, and almost dies. He screams, I come rushing to the rescue.
Me: I'm going to bash the old man in the side of the head.
DM: *Disbelief* What?! Well...uh...go ahead, Roll.
Me: I rolled a 2. Impale. I hit him for...-DM Cuts me off-
DM: You smash your Baseball bat to the Side of the Old Mans head, who's head then slams into the wall. A Big splat of blood is on the wall, with some chunks of flesh. Congrats, you killed your first old person, now lose some sanity you cold hearted Dick.
Me: But there's the Old Lady left...
DM: Oh her? She's too awe-struck of what has just happened to her husband.
Doctor: I stab her in the eye.
Quite the team of killers we have in our party. Then in a panic, while everybody blaming the other, we chopped up the bodies and shoved them under the floorboards, then ran away from the back of the house, and never spoke of the event again.
MasterHan on
-Any man can be a king, but he needs 12 inches to be a ruler-
Dan: Dude, is there a brothel there? I haven't been laid in years.
DM- Rich: I'm going to kill you.
Dan: What? I didn't have a shaft when I was a skeleton.
DM-Rich: Going to kill you.
*Rich and Dan fight with a bottle of tea*
Levi: I cast calm animals, on these two.
Jeff: I'm pissing on myself right now.
Dan: They're all comatose. You go comatose a lot. You'll get used to it. (Referring to the PCs that aren't present)
Errik: Hey, can't you fix that with miracle?
Dan: ...... that's the people who aren't here right now, dude.
Josh: Thor want to dance erotically.
Rich - You have a bag of tricks.
Levi: Like.... the cereal?
Rich: No, it's useless shit that produces mice.
Levi: I pelt him with mice.
Rich: Errik, you're pelted with mice.
Errik: Aww, it's on. Ghost sound!
Rich: Jeff stands up with feces all over him.
Levi: I create two gallons of water on him
Rich: You see a human standing there. He takes a great-elf off it's back.
All: ....Great... Elf?
Rich: ..... He takes a great axe off his back.
Peter: I will shove my daggers up your ass.
Josh: I shove my axe up your ass.
Levi: I cast repel metal or stone and repel your metal blades from my ass.
Jeff: Alright, one of you mother fuckers has to cut off his wang.
All: Why are you stepping back?
Josh: So the Balor Doesn't sack me.
Random Wall: Why are you doing this? This portrays an unrealistic image of rocks.
Rich: You are sneak attacking a balor's cock. You are a foul human being.
I would just like to say that I read like half of this before I realised they were sepperate quote and not one continuous story.
Posts
"There's an ANGEL... fighting a DRAGON... that I'm RIDING... and you're f*cking with the walls!"
As we're fighting a Green (Regenerative) Dragon, a large gash is cut open in it's side revealing a few of it's inner organs... our Monk in his finest..
"I wanna' grapple his heart."
Characters we play, define who we are.
-Gun-Fu Gunner: Okay, I think we should buy some silver bullets. They might come in handy for fighting vampires and stuff.
-Rigger: I dunno man, I might have a problem with them due to allergies (the party rigger is allergic to silver)
-Sniper: What, are you allergic to bullets?
-Hacker: Aren't we all?
The next session, following the gunner's plan on linking an electricity source to a creature, lovingly refered to as the "Entical", and electrocuting it to death (as nothing else would work on it) not quite working.
Gunner: BUT I PUT THREE MILLION VOLTS INTO IT!
My group and I were playing a campaign where one of our characters was the "chosen one" and is destined to save the world from the forces of evil, etc, etc. One problem, he isnt very tactful about, well, anything.
At one point we were tracking some kobolds back to their cave. When we found it we saw all the kobolds have been brutally slaughtered and a rather large demon with an aura of black flame and a bloody, flaming sword walks over the pile of bodies and towards us. While the rest of us run our asses off right away (we were level 1 or 2 at the time) our ever-so tactful chosen one says to the demon "I am the chosen one, what does it mean?"
A little bit later we were sent on a mission from one kingdom (the good one) to go to a neighboring kingdom (evil one) to kidnap the evil kings daughter because he was going to sacrifice her to bring about the demonic apocalypse. While the rest of the party goes to talk to the princess to let her know we are there to save her (she didnt know she was going to die), our chosen one goes straight to the king and when he's asked by the king why he is there he responds "We're here to steal your daughter."
We actually caused the demonic apocalypse at level 3.
"Watch out! His toes are like FINGERS!"
D3: Jerkshoes#1129
The party's rouge just threw it at the end boss and yelled
"Catch!"
The DM didn't run another game for years.
In our Cthulhu missions, our entries to that board were LEGION. I wish I could remember more of them.
Riding the Orient Express, fighting a vampire:
Chuck - "I know! I go to the dinin' car!"
Keeper - "Ok."
Chuck - "I tell the waiter I'd like a blood puddin', hold the puddin'."
Quote - "Hold yer own puddin'!"
Fighting a blob monster weak against salt.
"Hey! Urine has salt in it, doesn't it?"
And I don't remember the context, but 'heavier than a dead priest' is now a viable unit of measurement.
And probably my favorite quote from our Vampire missions:
"I'm just going to go practice my Fortitude."
with the runner up being
Talking about dominate during a firefight - "There's a dead guy next to him! Say 'Necrophilia!'"
Us: We're here to end your polluting, Mr. Pentex Executive!
Him: Ah...Garou.
Now, any time IRL when we finally understand a point or story being made, we respond with "Ah...Garou."
Since when do embodiments of destruction and hate get defeated by lousy cursed swords? At the very least, they merge into a single entity with the power and desire to consume all life.
The characters in Inkognito have terrible names: Agent X, Madame Xha Xha, Colonel Bubbles, and (worst of all) Lord Fiddlebottom. Since I was the owner of the game, I had the unhappy job of making sure everyone understood the rules. Part of this involved reading off all the agent names, and waiting for the horrible jokes and puns to subside. When I got to Lord Fiddlebottom, one guy at the end of the table looked up and said (with a perfectly deadpan expression) "His name used to be Klaus Assfingerer, but he changed it in the fifties."
The hook to the story is that we're all hired by this doctor to find his younger sister who has mysteriously disappeared. I know, not really the most original concept in a CoC game, but it works. I'm playing one of my favorite characters, my Private Eye, Jake Spade. Yeah, I took one of those cheeseball Film Noir names. And I even used to do the Film Noir narrations now and then, until the GM had to stop me because I would end everyone else's sentences with, "The professor said," and things like that. That and my metaphors were getting to the point of being disruptive.
Anyway, we find the sister, and unfortunately we arrived about a day too late, and she was already dead. As a matter of fact, they sacrificed her and burned her body on an altar. So, after dealing with the consequences of being a day late and a dollar short, we show up at the doctor's office. Now, I had been collecting every bit of evidence in mason jars. Blood, strange mucous, gunpowder, and even the girl's ashes (oh, the girl was like 16 or 17). So the professor of the group explains what was going on and the sheer horror behind the whole thing, and the doctor has a small nervous breakdown. The priest in the group comforts him, and he is able to calm him down enough to give us our pay. So as we're walking out the door, I turn around, put the jar of the girl's ashes on his desk and say,
"By the way, here's your sister. Have a nice one, doc."
It went down in our books as one of our most insensitive moments of 2002.
DM- Rich: I'm going to kill you.
Dan: What? I didn't have a shaft when I was a skeleton.
DM-Rich: Going to kill you.
*Rich and Dan fight with a bottle of tea*
Levi: I cast calm animals, on these two.
Jeff: I'm pissing on myself right now.
Dan: They're all comatose. You go comatose a lot. You'll get used to it. (Referring to the PCs that aren't present)
Errik: Hey, can't you fix that with miracle?
Dan: ...... that's the people who aren't here right now, dude.
Josh: Thor want to dance erotically.
Rich - You have a bag of tricks.
Levi: Like.... the cereal?
Rich: No, it's useless shit that produces mice.
Levi: I pelt him with mice.
Rich: Errik, you're pelted with mice.
Errik: Aww, it's on. Ghost sound!
Rich: Jeff stands up with feces all over him.
Levi: I create two gallons of water on him
Rich: You see a human standing there. He takes a great-elf off it's back.
All: ....Great... Elf?
Rich: ..... He takes a great axe off his back.
Peter: I will shove my daggers up your ass.
Josh: I shove my axe up your ass.
Levi: I cast repel metal or stone and repel your metal blades from my ass.
Jeff: Alright, one of you mother fuckers has to cut off his wang.
All: Why are you stepping back?
Josh: So the Balor Doesn't sack me.
Random Wall: Why are you doing this? This portrays an unrealistic image of rocks.
Rich: You are sneak attacking a balor's cock. You are a foul human being.
Instead of stopping the float, our mage suggested casting sleep on them so that they'd die peacefully.
Another party member picked up a large ham as an improvised weapon in an earlier fight and it's become a running gag. We were fighting a rust monster and he was using the ham so that it wouldn't eat his metal weapons.
"It's a good thing it's not a ham monster."
"...You mean a pig?"
"...No."
So i was just entering the campaign, had just entered the room and began taking out my character sheets when the DM says "okay everyone roll a charisma check that is opposed by my stats" For some reason when id handed him my sheets he edits my charisma to twenty two. So I rolled and got a twenty three. three people got a lower score and now they have to obey anything I say as through a compulsion
Me: I'm going to bash the old man in the side of the head.
DM: *Disbelief* What?! Well...uh...go ahead, Roll.
Me: I rolled a 2. Impale. I hit him for...-DM Cuts me off-
DM: You smash your Baseball bat to the Side of the Old Mans head, who's head then slams into the wall. A Big splat of blood is on the wall, with some chunks of flesh. Congrats, you killed your first old person, now lose some sanity you cold hearted Dick.
Me: But there's the Old Lady left...
DM: Oh her? She's too awe-struck of what has just happened to her husband.
Doctor: I stab her in the eye.
Quite the team of killers we have in our party. Then in a panic, while everybody blaming the other, we chopped up the bodies and shoved them under the floorboards, then ran away from the back of the house, and never spoke of the event again.
I would just like to say that I read like half of this before I realised they were sepperate quote and not one continuous story.
Jordan of Elienor, Human Shaman