ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
edited August 2008
Again, not saying dump him right off, but if he absolutely sill not talk about it, then... maybe you have to.
I like what Eggytoast has to say.. may I ask what races you are? Perhaps this is part of the block, and some might have that stigma in their culture more than others. Still, very uncool about the 'roommates' thing. After two years, that would send me home in anger and disappointment.
I don't think it's the infrequent sex that's bad. To me.. everybody is different, and in relationships you need to come to term with those differences, or find differences you can come to terms with. The problem is is total lack of honesty and refusal to communicate. These are big things, and if he can't find some way to at least let you in on what's going on, you may have to end it.
This is all about what's going on with you. We're listening to this and considering your feelings, but only because he isn't even trying. If he were you wouldn't have posted about it here. So it's time to think hard. If I were you, I would want to be able to turn to him for answers about his hopes and fears, and not some people who don't know him. I would also want him to respect me enough to give me the time of day when something is seriously bothering me.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Disclaimer: I've only read the OP and a few of her followup comments.
This is, word for word, almost exactly my situation (hell, I'm even 26), except I'm the guy, and my wife is the one that doesn't seem to like sex. I've been exactly where you are amberlock. I've tried conversations, hints, being vague, being direct, being playful, being serious, so on and so forth. I keep myself cleaned and trimmed for her benefit, and I've told her that I wish she would do the same. We've had numerous conversations at varying levels of emotional intensity. We've been to counseling multiple times with multiple people about the issue. It doesn't help. It will never help.
I love my wife. I love being married to her, and I'm thrilled that we're having a kid together. I've come to accept that my need for sexual fulfillment will never, ever be met by her the way I need it to be. Divorce is not an option for us, so acceptance is all that's left. It's been a long and painful process, but I'm getting there.
You, however, still have options. Leave. Be friends after if you'd like, but leave. Do not, under any circumstances, get married. Your needs are important, and if he won't meet them, you need to find someone (or better, let someone find you) that will. I would have left, but in my case the sex switch was turned off the day we got married. Before that it was fantastic. If only I knew.
I know this isn't your thread, but what the hell man? You don't have to accept that sort of thing.
Again, not saying dump him right off, but if he absolutely sill not talk about it, then... maybe you have to.
I like what Eggytoast has to say.. may I ask what races you are? Perhaps this is part of the block, and some might have that stigma in their culture more than others. Still, very uncool about the 'roommates' thing. After two years, that would send me home in anger and disappointment.
I don't think it's the infrequent sex that's bad. To me.. everybody is different, and in relationships you need to come to term with those differences, or find differences you can come to terms with. The problem is is total lack of honesty and refusal to communicate. These are big things, and if he can't find some way to at least let you in on what's going on, you may have to end it.
This is all about what's going on with you. We're listening to this and considering your feelings, but only because he isn't even trying. If he were you wouldn't have posted about it here. So it's time to think hard. If I were you, I would want to be able to turn to him for answers about his hopes and fears, and not some people who don't know him. I would also want him to respect me enough to give me the time of day when something is seriously bothering me.
I have to agree with Ceres. You should try and have another discussion with him in regards to what you've brought up here.
Personally I'd like to think that most of us have moved past things to the point where race and religion might not be as important an aspect to meeting someone as it used to be but there are those instances that can arise. I'm not saying that it's fully the case but just some things I've noticed in reading is that you mentioned he's catholic and went to catholic school. Things like that can have a way of shaping a person's thoughts pertaining to things like sex. Not to bash catholics because I've met quite a few on the opposite end of the spectrum of this guy, one of them a close friend of mine. Has he spoken about it his thoughts in general on sex and such?
Basically just do your best to be open and honest and assure him that you want him to do the same. If he's going to be shrugging off conversations that you seriously want to discuss then maybe he's not the type of person you want to be with as he might just be trying to keep a loose attachment to you rather then just break up. That could be for a multitude of reasons I guess but sadly it could mean he's just lost interest but still feels like since you two are "exclusive" that he shouldn't have to put in any effort because of that very reason which can be rather selfish. You've got feelings too and if he's not going to respect you enough to listen and give his 100% in this relationship after you have been doing quite a bit then I'd say it would be best to think about ending things.
BTW, I'd hate to be your PM box. No doubt you've had at least a few requests for pics and offers to replace him.
There is something wrong here. However it doesn't sound like it can't be fixed. I have been through a similar situation with my husband. When we first got together we started out as just friends. Then dating then we loved in together. He was my first (and only partner) at age 20. He was interested but since this was when I started my sex drive went crazy. What was i missing all these years! :P
Things were good and some days it was all we could do to keep our hands off each other driving home from work. Followed by trying to get the apartment door closed before we ripped our clothes off.
Then as time went by we both started desk type jobs and learned about a life altering game called Everquest. The damage was more sever to my husband. He really started putting on the weight. It was over the course of a year or more but it was at the point where he just wanted to Play EQ and sit around. I was doing the similira tactics. Hints after the shower, walking by naked, teasing him etc. I thought what the hell is the matter with me? I didn't gain the type of weight he did but I had put on just a few pounds. I though he doesn't love me anymore. We are just roommates. I'm not attractive enough. It took him awhile to even figure out why his sex drive bottomed out.
It was depression and the extra weight. It was not easy to figure out the issue. Things got better, we got married after dating 3 years. a few years after that we decided to have our first child. During pregnancy my hormones went wild as did my sex drive. During the time I was pregnant he was working on losing weight and over that time lost 100 pounds (he was 300 got to 200). After that his sex drive went back to crazy and then i had our first child. it took awhile to heal and then after that my sex drive almost went away. It was a problem because I really never wanted to have sex. I brushed off his advances etc. He thought it was him and it wasn't. I was heavier after the baby and was struggling to get the baby weight off.
fast forward to now again i'm 7 months pregnant with our second child. Both of our sex drives are pretty high right now ( the switch literally flipped back on for me when I hit about 6 to 8 weeks pregnant.) We're just running into technically difficulties with my huge belly 8-)
Sorry I know this is a long post but things worked out for us. I really think the weight and depression is a huge factor.
It might not be that your boyfriend is struggling with weight but maybe something else in his life is bothering him. Maybe he's not doing what he thought he'd be doing by now. Maybe he feels his life is bland or he's stuck in a rut. It might be easier for him to just masterbate becuase he doesn't have anyone's expectations on the line.
It's hard but he has to open up about what's going on. Your not married and he doesn't seem like he can figure out what he wants.. You can tell by the 'Roommates' comment. If he can't get things together then you might have to look elsewhere. It'd be great to work things out but it has to be something both parties are willing to do. There's plenty of guys im sure that would love to have you in his place. We have single friends who would kill to be in his shoes! Either way good luck and keep up posted.
I completely disagree. I would love it if I knew, specifically, what I did wrong in any relationship things. Always. Communication is what keeps relationships working.
Well, we're assuming she already laid everything out before, nothing changed, and now she is breaking up with him. So he already has the general idea. If he is jammed on sexual issues and aware of it the way I used to be, going over it *again* when you break up is just twisting the knife. If he is not aware of it, or it's just a libido mismatch, then he's going to be pissed. Which isn't really her problem. If he asks like you would, then sure, feel free to go over everything again. I bet he won't ask.
To be fair, I have OCPD, so all of my responses are tinted by an absolute need to be perfect.
But, still, one of the first things I ask whenever I've been broken up with has been "What did I do wrong, what can I do to make sure that I don't ruin relationships for the same reason in the future". I abso-fucking-lutely love when I know that I'm with a girl that will just lay out point blank what's wrong with me.
One more thing. On a more practical note and something which I have experienced first hand.
Is he worried about getting you pregnant? I mean his obvious chronic captivation with your future (talk about marriage and so such) means he's a pretty forward thinking kind of guy (this includes the fact that he has a steady job and is on what seems like a good professional path). And forward thinking people tend to worry. I know for a while I was fucking terrified of getting my girlfriend pregnant which led to some odd anxiety issues which then in turn effected performance and drive.
:P I'm only interested in whether he finds me attractive, not really the rest of PA. I'm not ugly, I'm about 15 lbs over ideal weight for my height, I wear normal clothes from normal stores in average sizes and I'm generally just an regular, smart girl that likes frequent sex, video games and having fun.
Anyway, he probably is bored. Was he always like this?
Yes. If he's bored with me, I can accept that. I know very well that the human male is primarily wired to prefer multiple short term partners. But if he's bored with the sex, well, thats his problem. I would love to have sex in practically any place, in any position with any toys. Just as long as its the two of us and won't get me arrested.
Do you get a sense that [racial difference] it may come into play?
No, that would be unusual given his family background and other things in the past. I can't really be too specific unfortunately since its a bit personal.
There is a mental block with the whole 'defining the relationship' that I'm fully aware of and unfortunately can't reveal here (sorta alluded to in my first post). But there is absolutely NO good reason for it to interfere with our sex. Here's an example:
Lets say, we can't tell people we're a couple because his grandfather, who's dying, would not approve.
This is not the case, but lets use it as an example. His grandfather would have no idea whether we were having sex 1/month or 1/day. I can see that there might be some guilt associated with it (in this specific example) given, but that only makes at an imperfect example because the real block there has no such guilt. This mental block against the relationship being defined will eventually become a non-issue, within about 3-6 months. I hardly think it will matter to my sex life though.
Yes. In fact its one of the very few sexual related things I've been able to wrestle out of him. He's overly paranoid, even though we use 2 forms of protection and he never cums inside anyway!
And naw, my PM box is only full of helpful people. I think it'd take pics for anyone on PA to be interested
I am going to lay my three issues out, but pending some massive answer/breakthrough, the truth, as you all have shown me, is that its over. I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life with someone that doesn't find me walking around unclothed, sexy.
My three issues being:
- frequency
- communication about sex/wants/how things feel
- relationship 'definition' <- basically this is just 'when this problem we know we have goes away before xmas, will this change right away' (yes, great... no, then we're done)
Haha sorry amberlock I was just kidding. I was just really surprised that wasn't like, the first response. People on PA are honestly much more mature than SA.
Posts
I like what Eggytoast has to say.. may I ask what races you are? Perhaps this is part of the block, and some might have that stigma in their culture more than others. Still, very uncool about the 'roommates' thing. After two years, that would send me home in anger and disappointment.
I don't think it's the infrequent sex that's bad. To me.. everybody is different, and in relationships you need to come to term with those differences, or find differences you can come to terms with. The problem is is total lack of honesty and refusal to communicate. These are big things, and if he can't find some way to at least let you in on what's going on, you may have to end it.
This is all about what's going on with you. We're listening to this and considering your feelings, but only because he isn't even trying. If he were you wouldn't have posted about it here. So it's time to think hard. If I were you, I would want to be able to turn to him for answers about his hopes and fears, and not some people who don't know him. I would also want him to respect me enough to give me the time of day when something is seriously bothering me.
I know this isn't your thread, but what the hell man? You don't have to accept that sort of thing.
I have to agree with Ceres. You should try and have another discussion with him in regards to what you've brought up here.
Personally I'd like to think that most of us have moved past things to the point where race and religion might not be as important an aspect to meeting someone as it used to be but there are those instances that can arise. I'm not saying that it's fully the case but just some things I've noticed in reading is that you mentioned he's catholic and went to catholic school. Things like that can have a way of shaping a person's thoughts pertaining to things like sex. Not to bash catholics because I've met quite a few on the opposite end of the spectrum of this guy, one of them a close friend of mine. Has he spoken about it his thoughts in general on sex and such?
Basically just do your best to be open and honest and assure him that you want him to do the same. If he's going to be shrugging off conversations that you seriously want to discuss then maybe he's not the type of person you want to be with as he might just be trying to keep a loose attachment to you rather then just break up. That could be for a multitude of reasons I guess but sadly it could mean he's just lost interest but still feels like since you two are "exclusive" that he shouldn't have to put in any effort because of that very reason which can be rather selfish. You've got feelings too and if he's not going to respect you enough to listen and give his 100% in this relationship after you have been doing quite a bit then I'd say it would be best to think about ending things.
BTW, I'd hate to be your PM box. No doubt you've had at least a few requests for pics and offers to replace him.
Things were good and some days it was all we could do to keep our hands off each other driving home from work. Followed by trying to get the apartment door closed before we ripped our clothes off.
Then as time went by we both started desk type jobs and learned about a life altering game called Everquest. The damage was more sever to my husband. He really started putting on the weight. It was over the course of a year or more but it was at the point where he just wanted to Play EQ and sit around. I was doing the similira tactics. Hints after the shower, walking by naked, teasing him etc. I thought what the hell is the matter with me? I didn't gain the type of weight he did but I had put on just a few pounds. I though he doesn't love me anymore. We are just roommates. I'm not attractive enough. It took him awhile to even figure out why his sex drive bottomed out.
It was depression and the extra weight. It was not easy to figure out the issue. Things got better, we got married after dating 3 years. a few years after that we decided to have our first child. During pregnancy my hormones went wild as did my sex drive. During the time I was pregnant he was working on losing weight and over that time lost 100 pounds (he was 300 got to 200). After that his sex drive went back to crazy and then i had our first child. it took awhile to heal and then after that my sex drive almost went away. It was a problem because I really never wanted to have sex. I brushed off his advances etc. He thought it was him and it wasn't. I was heavier after the baby and was struggling to get the baby weight off.
fast forward to now again i'm 7 months pregnant with our second child. Both of our sex drives are pretty high right now ( the switch literally flipped back on for me when I hit about 6 to 8 weeks pregnant.) We're just running into technically difficulties with my huge belly 8-)
Sorry I know this is a long post but things worked out for us. I really think the weight and depression is a huge factor.
It might not be that your boyfriend is struggling with weight but maybe something else in his life is bothering him. Maybe he's not doing what he thought he'd be doing by now. Maybe he feels his life is bland or he's stuck in a rut. It might be easier for him to just masterbate becuase he doesn't have anyone's expectations on the line.
It's hard but he has to open up about what's going on. Your not married and he doesn't seem like he can figure out what he wants.. You can tell by the 'Roommates' comment. If he can't get things together then you might have to look elsewhere. It'd be great to work things out but it has to be something both parties are willing to do. There's plenty of guys im sure that would love to have you in his place. We have single friends who would kill to be in his shoes! Either way good luck and keep up posted.
To be fair, I have OCPD, so all of my responses are tinted by an absolute need to be perfect.
But, still, one of the first things I ask whenever I've been broken up with has been "What did I do wrong, what can I do to make sure that I don't ruin relationships for the same reason in the future". I abso-fucking-lutely love when I know that I'm with a girl that will just lay out point blank what's wrong with me.
Is he worried about getting you pregnant? I mean his obvious chronic captivation with your future (talk about marriage and so such) means he's a pretty forward thinking kind of guy (this includes the fact that he has a steady job and is on what seems like a good professional path). And forward thinking people tend to worry. I know for a while I was fucking terrified of getting my girlfriend pregnant which led to some odd anxiety issues which then in turn effected performance and drive.
:P I'm only interested in whether he finds me attractive, not really the rest of PA. I'm not ugly, I'm about 15 lbs over ideal weight for my height, I wear normal clothes from normal stores in average sizes and I'm generally just an regular, smart girl that likes frequent sex, video games and having fun.
Yes. If he's bored with me, I can accept that. I know very well that the human male is primarily wired to prefer multiple short term partners. But if he's bored with the sex, well, thats his problem. I would love to have sex in practically any place, in any position with any toys. Just as long as its the two of us and won't get me arrested.
No, that would be unusual given his family background and other things in the past. I can't really be too specific unfortunately since its a bit personal.
There is a mental block with the whole 'defining the relationship' that I'm fully aware of and unfortunately can't reveal here (sorta alluded to in my first post). But there is absolutely NO good reason for it to interfere with our sex. Here's an example:
Lets say, we can't tell people we're a couple because his grandfather, who's dying, would not approve.
This is not the case, but lets use it as an example. His grandfather would have no idea whether we were having sex 1/month or 1/day. I can see that there might be some guilt associated with it (in this specific example) given, but that only makes at an imperfect example because the real block there has no such guilt. This mental block against the relationship being defined will eventually become a non-issue, within about 3-6 months. I hardly think it will matter to my sex life though.
Yes. In fact its one of the very few sexual related things I've been able to wrestle out of him. He's overly paranoid, even though we use 2 forms of protection and he never cums inside anyway!
And naw, my PM box is only full of helpful people. I think it'd take pics for anyone on PA to be interested
I am going to lay my three issues out, but pending some massive answer/breakthrough, the truth, as you all have shown me, is that its over. I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life with someone that doesn't find me walking around unclothed, sexy.
My three issues being:
- frequency
- communication about sex/wants/how things feel
- relationship 'definition' <- basically this is just 'when this problem we know we have goes away before xmas, will this change right away' (yes, great... no, then we're done)