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Bread, Motherfuckers [NEW BREAD, PAGE 4, NSF56K]

sarukunsarukun RIESLINGOCEANRegistered User regular
edited August 2008 in Social Entropy++
Hi, I'm sarukun. You may remember me from such threads as The Book of Phallos, and [Secret Satans '05]: Holy Shit, Sarukun is an Asshole.


Well, forget all that mess. Today, we're baking bread. Why? Because it is a well known fact that any man who can create his own sustinance from the basest of raw materials is completely raw. To wit, I give you the most basic material there is:
howtomakebreadhp9.jpg

A book on how to make bread.


Now that we have the proper tools, let's figure out what we're making.
weremakinthistu6.jpg

Cured Italian pig flesh wrapped in doughy goodness? Oh, we're makin' it up smart..


First thing you need is yeast.
thisissomeyeastkp9.jpg

Yeast lives in bread. It also lives in vaginas, I am told. So if your vagina smells like fresh baked bread, see a doctor.


Yeast, it turns out, looks like some one has a very, very tiny rabbit and collects its poop for a living.
yeastlookslikerabbitpooiu0.jpg

Go figure.



Now we have do to what is called "creaming the yeast". I am convinced amongst professional bakers this is a euphamism for a sexual act of some sort.
creamintheyeastsv8.jpg

"Man, I totally creamed that chick's yeast last night" "You did not, shut up, for real?!"



Now you put the <ahem> creamed yeast in with the flour and you get to stirrin.
stirthatmessez6.jpg

You stir until it is all more or less stirred in.


Now's the fun part. Get your hands dirty!
ohnowhathaveyoudoneyd6.jpg

Now, you might be saying to your computer screen "Sarukun, this does not look like bread. Have you failed?" Well, yes, observant reader, being that this is my first attempt at baking bread from scratch, I most certainly did fuck up. For some reason, there wasn't enough water to absorb all the flour, so I added more, but naturally I added too much. What you see in that photo is the result: way too much fucking water. But is that the end of our tale? Fuck no!


After much fretting and worrying and wondering what to do with my very wet and extremely lumpy dough, I decided that (seeing as how I had no desire to go back to Wal*Mart to get more yeast and start over) I would attempt to knead what I had and see how things went from there. And what do you know, this was a brilliant plan, for the dough quite happily sopped up the small amounts of flour I placed on my hands and on the cutting board, and in such amounts as did not cause a huge difference in consistancy, nor creat lumps. I continued to knead for about a minute or two until I took this picture.
hoorayweresaveduz7.jpg

Now THAT looks like bread dough.


KNEAD THAT MESS, GOD DAMN IT. YOU KNEAD IT DOWN.
kneadthatmesszf5.jpg

There is a technique to kneading. I don't know that technique at all.


Here is a picture of dough and dirty hands.
grossbrora8.jpg

The end result of the dough actually looks much nicer, but I fear it will be far from perfect, asI believe it to be still a little lumpier than it probably should be. It is currrently rising in my kitchen, and will do so for about 45 more minutes.


So, SE++, it's been a while since we had a recipe thread. You may now discuss recipes and other things that have to do with food.

sarukun on
«13456

Posts

  • ascotascot Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    God I love bread.

    ascot on
  • The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Fresh bread is awesome.

    My wife makes a fantastic banana bread.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    frechly baked bread is awesome!

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited August 2008
    frech

    Rankenphile on
    8406wWN.png
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Thanks to this thread, I have been reminded that I should totally make some honey wheat bread tomorrow instead of purchasing it from the grocery store.

    Thanks, sarukun!

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Man

    French Bread Pizzas shit yeah

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I hope nobody noticed that the title of this thread was FRECH bread for a while.

    sarukun on
  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    My friend's gynecologist was Dr. Fleischmann

    Redeemer on
    25jyxzr.jpg
  • Vann DirasVann Diras Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    cooking threads always make me want to cook and make something super tasty

    then I'm like, "we don't have any of the ingredients for that nor do I really have the time to stop and make it"

    I'm not even really hungry

    hm

    Vann Diras on
  • WrenWren ninja_bird Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    apparently I have a certificate that says I'm some bread baker or something

    Wren on
    tf2sig.jpg
    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    My friend's gynecologist was Dr. Fleischmann

    That is just crazy as hell.

    sarukun on
  • VorusVorus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    banana bread is the best bread

    Vorus on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Here is the dough after about 45 minutes of rising.

    risingdoughsv3.jpg

    NOW it's lookin' like dough.

    sarukun on
  • FAQFAQ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    oh man

    banana bread

    oh man

    FAQ on
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So has anyone ever found a recipe for homemade Monte Cristo sandwiches that actually works? I've tried several, but none of them has ever included a decent batter. And now that Bennigan's is out, my supply has dried up completely.

    And dammit, sometimes a man just needs a deep-fried club sandwich to make the world make sense.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • KovakKovak did a lot of drugs married cher?Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    man bread

    a meal of kings

    Kovak on
  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    FAQ wrote: »
    oh man

    banana bread

    oh man

    It's great warm and with a scoop of ice cream

    Redeemer on
    25jyxzr.jpg
  • FAQFAQ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    FAQ wrote: »
    oh man

    banana bread

    oh man

    It's great warm and with a scoop of ice cream

    that's an intriguing idea

    I've only ever had it with butter :|

    FAQ on
  • VorusVorus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I used to eat banana bread with cheez whiz

    what a terrible idea

    Vorus on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • HallowedFaithHallowedFaith Call me Cloud. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    HallowedFaith on
    I'm making video games. DesignBy.Cloud
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    i support sarukun and i support this thread.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • Centipede DamascusCentipede Damascus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    yes, but

    do you possess the hands of the sun?

    yakitatejapan36b4bl.jpg

    Centipede Damascus on
  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood

    Redeemer on
    25jyxzr.jpg
  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Saru, that is some serious fucking bread.

    Well done.

    Fresh bread is the best stuff. I need a good recipe for a honey wheat. Anyone got one?

    DrZiplock on
  • KovakKovak did a lot of drugs married cher?Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood


    ahahaha this is such a fantastic scene

    Kovak on
  • UnderwhelmingUnderwhelming myMomIsTheJam July 13, 2013 Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I worked at a Lender's Bagel factory for a few months. I fecking LOVED working on cinnamon raisin nights.... *drool* That smell was amazing. And we got all the free bagels we wanted.

    The french toast stick factory was in the same building. We weren't allowed to take those. Too bad for them they were delicious, and deliciousness if my weakness.

    <.<

    >.>

    Underwhelming on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood
    stop pretending you're David Sedaris

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • bongibongi regular
    edited August 2008
    my mum bakes bread quite a lot

    recently she tried some new method where you leave the yeast for like a day or something before you use it, it made pretty odd tasting bread let me tell you

    bongi on
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So when you really look into how it's made, sourdough is some pretty fucked up stuff.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    prosciuttorj3.jpg

    With respect to all you people talking about Banana bread, I'm having difficulty imaging just how fucking awesome this prosciutto bread is going to taste. Maybe I'll make banana bread another time, this book has a recipe I'm pretty sure.


    rolledonupkh8.jpg

    Rolled up and set to rise for another 45 minutes.

    sarukun on
  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Druhim wrote: »
    Redeemer wrote: »
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood
    stop pretending you're David Sedaris

    I was trying to be Jerri

    Redeemer on
    25jyxzr.jpg
  • ASimPersonASimPerson Cold... and hard.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    sarukun wrote: »
    http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/9140/prosciuttorj3.jpg

    With respect to all you people talking about Banana bread, I'm having difficulty imaging just how fucking awesome this prosciutto bread is going to taste. Maybe I'll make banana bread another time, this book has a recipe I'm pretty sure.


    http://img86.imageshack.us/img86/8302/rolledonupkh8.jpg

    Rolled up and set to rise for another 45 minutes.

    I have to say, I like where this is going.

    ASimPerson on
  • pinenut_canarypinenut_canary Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Your hands look a lot like my hands.

    pinenut_canary on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    there's a restaurant downtown called Dahlia's and they have a really good bakery on the side
    I stopped by there for breakfast recently and got what was pretty much the best breakfast sandwich I'd ever had
    they used prosciutto and I don't know what kind of cheese, but it was heavenly

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • FeedusFeedus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Feedus on
  • NumeroNumero Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    God, I miss being able to eat bread. Every time I do a small part of me dies (namely, parts of my intestinal tract).

    Also, where did you get that awesome looking sheetpan?

    Numero on
  • yourclothesyourclothes __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    when u say fuck its cool

    yourclothes on
    ssseeee.gif
  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Now, it has been said that man cannot live by bread alone; to that end, I give you an unnamed creamsauce that I invented today from a bunch of other creamsauces.

    basilfromtheyardux1.jpg

    All the stuff we use in my mom's spaghetti sauce sans tomatoes. That is fresh basil from our backyard, babies.

    mushroomsev1.jpg

    We're gonna cut these motherfuckers up and put them in the sauce!


    Soon to come: white wine, heavy cream and... Vermouthe!???!??!!!?

    sarukun on
  • yourclothesyourclothes __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    here try sayin fuck

    yourclothes on
    ssseeee.gif
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I sent one of my treasured cheesecake recipes to an Aussie in need last night.
    I hope it is used for good and not evil.
    Or at least terribly awesome evil.

    None of that half-baked shit.

    neville on
    nevillexmassig1.png
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