As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

Terrible Sex

1235764

Posts

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Casper wrote: »
    I have not had sex since Feb 07.

    I think this makes me a born again virgin.

    more like sassper.

    Metzger Meister on
  • JedocJedoc Justice. Mercy. Duty. That sort of thing.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    March 02, bitches. I'm pretty sure it's grown back by now.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    Jedoc wrote: »
    March 02, bitches. I'm pretty sure it's grown back by now.

    wow, and I thought I had gone a while.

    Casper on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    jesus jedoc

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • Grey GhostGrey Ghost Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I have actually forgotten how it was to be a virgin

    Eh, it is what it is

    Grey Ghost on
  • JedocJedoc Justice. Mercy. Duty. That sort of thing.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Four years at a Church of Christ college and a year on the farm gave me a good head start, but this last year is nothing but my own fault.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
  • Vampire_GoldfishVampire_Goldfish Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Back in the glorious days of my teenage years, I was dating a sort of Hot Topic looking girl (I was young, ok?)

    Anyways we are at my place and she is giving me porn star grade head. Full on messy and fast like she is some sort of professional. Half way through her phone rings. She digs through her pocket with one hand while still messaging with her other hand and sucking away. She brings the phone up to her face to see who it is. After looking at it for a second she mumbles to me with dick in her mouth "ish mm dad." All I could understand was "Dad" so naturally I assume fun time is going to have to stop and she will have to talk to daddy.

    She answers the phone, my dick in hand, pumping furiously. She proceeds to talk to her dad while wacking me off like its her sport of choice. She will say something into the phone, hear her dad start to talk and then give me head while he did. This went on for about five minutes and then she hung up, looked me in the eyes from down on her knees, and said "I'm just a committed person," burps, and proceeds without another breath.

    Not bad sex, but a story none the less.

    Vampire_Goldfish on
    signatureseh.jpg
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The thing about Japanese rapeculture is that there is actually very little rape. It's all fantasy. The guy will hire the girl to pretend it's rape or he'll buy a porno that has pretend rape. He knows it's pretend but I guess it's enough.

    I remember riding in a morning rush hour train headed into Tokyo (meaning it was packed so fucking hard), and this salaryman is doing his best to read his magazine. He's positioned in a way that he has to have his arm over the shoulder of this poor office lady with his hand clutching some horrifying sex comic right in front of her face. They read the lewdest shit in comics, and their animus have some awful rape and tentacle and all that shit, but when all is said and done, there's a terribly low rate of sex crimes compared to the US (and a terribly high rate of super ultra mega hyper sayan fucked up porn compared to the US).

    scarlet st. on
    japsig.jpg
  • potatoepotatoe Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Skull Man wrote: »
    Potatoe wrote: »
    one time i was having sex and her husband walked in lol awkward ...

    hey, i don't remember saying that

    but i can't refute it

    potatoe on
  • Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Janson wrote: »
    A lady boner is a really nice tingly feeling in the pants

    Actually I can't really describe it better than that
    chiyo_avatar.gif

    You already have, Janson. You already have.

    Goose! on
  • Tweaked_Bat_Tweaked_Bat_ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The thing about Japanese rapeculture is that there is actually very little rape. It's all fantasy. The guy will hire the girl to pretend it's rape or he'll buy a porno that has pretend rape. He knows it's pretend but I guess it's enough.

    I remember riding in a morning rush hour train headed into Tokyo (meaning it was packed so fucking hard), and this salaryman is doing his best to read his magazine. He's positioned in a way that he has to have his arm over the shoulder of this poor office lady with his hand clutching some horrifying sex comic right in front of her face. They read the lewdest shit in comics, and their animus have some awful rape and tentacle and all that shit, but when all is said and done, there's a terribly low rate of sex crimes compared to the US (and a terribly high rate of super ultra mega hyper sayan fucked up porn compared to the US).

    I see. So by carrying out these seemingly harmless rape fantasies, they in turn don't feel the desire to go out and rape someone for reals, thus reducing the rate of sex crimes? ingenious

    Tweaked_Bat_ on
  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The thing about Japanese rapeculture is that there is actually very little rape. It's all fantasy. The guy will hire the girl to pretend it's rape or he'll buy a porno that has pretend rape. He knows it's pretend but I guess it's enough.

    I remember riding in a morning rush hour train headed into Tokyo (meaning it was packed so fucking hard), and this salaryman is doing his best to read his magazine. He's positioned in a way that he has to have his arm over the shoulder of this poor office lady with his hand clutching some horrifying sex comic right in front of her face. They read the lewdest shit in comics, and their animus have some awful rape and tentacle and all that shit, but when all is said and done, there's a terribly low rate of sex crimes compared to the US (and a terribly high rate of super ultra mega hyper sayan fucked up porn compared to the US).

    Well it's hard to rape someoen if you have to conventrate your Chi for 5 hours

    autono-wally, erotibot300 on
    kFJhXwE.jpgkFJhXwE.jpg
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The thing about Japanese rapeculture is that there is actually very little rape. It's all fantasy. The guy will hire the girl to pretend it's rape or he'll buy a porno that has pretend rape. He knows it's pretend but I guess it's enough.

    I remember riding in a morning rush hour train headed into Tokyo (meaning it was packed so fucking hard), and this salaryman is doing his best to read his magazine. He's positioned in a way that he has to have his arm over the shoulder of this poor office lady with his hand clutching some horrifying sex comic right in front of her face. They read the lewdest shit in comics, and their animus have some awful rape and tentacle and all that shit, but when all is said and done, there's a terribly low rate of sex crimes compared to the US (and a terribly high rate of super ultra mega hyper sayan fucked up porn compared to the US).

    I see. So by carrying out these seemingly harmless rape fantasies, they in turn don't feel the desire to go out and rape someone for reals, thus reducing the rate of sex crimes? ingenious

    Yeah I guess reading about it and jacking off thinking about it keeps them from doing it for real.

    There was this one case where this guy who had been killing children (I can't remember if sex was involved) was caught and inside his apartment there were tons of those gory slasher comics. Like, stack to the ceiling and shit, all over the place. That was the one case that it happened, and afterwards people were like "omg look at what awful things pornography is doing".

    Look people, dude was clearly off his rocker anyway.

    scarlet st. on
    japsig.jpg
  • ronzoronzo Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Man, one surefire to have terrible sex is for one party to be not into it at all. Like they're too tired or something.

    Then they say stuff like "We'll i'm tired, but if you want to do it I'm just not going to be too into it."

    In which case one of two things happens: A)You don't do anything because it's too much work or B) You try to go at it and slowly are just less and less into because you feel like you're getting nowhere and not performing well

    Last night was B for me

    ronzo on
  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    man sex is about two people
    why would you want sex with someone who doesn't really want it?

    autono-wally, erotibot300 on
    kFJhXwE.jpgkFJhXwE.jpg
  • CriticalCritical Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Lemme see if I can find my worst handjob ever story.

    Critical on
    edesig.jpg
  • CriticalCritical Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Found it!
    Critical wrote:
    So, when I was 16 I got my first real girlfriend. By "real girlfriend" I mean she let me play with her tits, which makes a pretty fucking serious relationship when you have limited social skills and are by all accounts a geek. Also, this girl was 20.

    Anyway, a couple months in we hadn't had sex yet, and for some reason I wasn't getting any attention. She had no problem with me being a couple knuckles deep in her whenever we made out, but the wee-wee is getting impatient. So one night I grew a pair and whipped it out. Thankfully, she started to give me a handjob.

    Then I found out why she waited so long to do anything.

    She was fucking terrible. Apparently trying to yank my cock off of my body was the plan, and the plan was going rather well.

    I moved my hand up to the back of her neck and mentioned something about lubrication. Basically a nice way of saying "Your mouth, my dong, please and thank you." She's not too bright, doesn't get the hint, and licks her palm.

    When she does this, the diamond ring on her ring finger that she failed to remove gets turned around so the setting is facing inward. She grasps my shaft and tries to propel my dick through my abdomen, creating a large furrow from tip to taint. I politely told her to stop what she was doing with a "Stop it you fucking evil harpy!" It's the reverse of Moses parting the red sea, with the red sea coming out of the terrain of my pumphandle at an alarming rate. I have to get to the bathroom, stat.

    Unfortunately, the bathroom was on the other side of the living room. The living room was where her parents were now sitting, watching tv.

    So I took her panties, wrapped them tightly around my schlong, pulled up my pants, and marched across that living room like nothing at all happened.

    We broke up on the ride to drop me off.

    Critical on
    edesig.jpg
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    D: D: D: D:

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • Cosmic SombreroCosmic Sombrero Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So I'm dating my first girlfriend, and we have it in mind that we're going to wait until we're eighteen to have sex, because that would be the smart and responsible thing to do. Well, we ended up going at it after a year, but we did a lot of other stuff inbetween. One time, she's giving me head in her room, which is in the basement and by the laundry room. Right as I blow my load, her mom walks right down the hallway past us. I should mention that her room doesn't have a door, but just a large open space. I also shouted something like "Oh fuck!" Anyway, her mom gives no indication she's seen us, ever. This is the lady who called me up and chewed me out when she found a hickey on her daughter. I still have no idea how that happened.

    Eventually, the girl breaks up with me, twice. This is because she is my first girlfriend and I am an idiot. Anyway, I started talking to her again about six months after she broke up with me for the second time (a week before my birthday). During this six months, she had slept with twelve guys, after making me wait a year. I'm pretty sure anyone who frequented Flying Stove a couple years back could tell you what an idiot I was.

    My first time, I think the condom was too small or something, because my dong was in pain for most of the venture. I think I might have faked it just to get out of there. For the next week or two my dong was pretty sore.

    As a sidenote, both of my girlfriend's parents yelled at them for breaking up with me.

    Cosmic Sombrero on
  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    Critical wrote: »
    Found it!
    Critical wrote:
    So, when I was 16 I got my first real girlfriend. By "real girlfriend" I mean she let me play with her tits, which makes a pretty fucking serious relationship when you have limited social skills and are by all accounts a geek. Also, this girl was 20.

    Anyway, a couple months in we hadn't had sex yet, and for some reason I wasn't getting any attention. She had no problem with me being a couple knuckles deep in her whenever we made out, but the wee-wee is getting impatient. So one night I grew a pair and whipped it out. Thankfully, she started to give me a handjob.

    Then I found out why she waited so long to do anything.

    She was fucking terrible. Apparently trying to yank my cock off of my body was the plan, and the plan was going rather well.

    I moved my hand up to the back of her neck and mentioned something about lubrication. Basically a nice way of saying "Your mouth, my dong, please and thank you." She's not too bright, doesn't get the hint, and licks her palm.

    When she does this, the diamond ring on her ring finger that she failed to remove gets turned around so the setting is facing inward. She grasps my shaft and tries to propel my dick through my abdomen, creating a large furrow from tip to taint. I politely told her to stop what she was doing with a "Stop it you fucking evil harpy!" It's the reverse of Moses parting the red sea, with the red sea coming out of the terrain of my pumphandle at an alarming rate. I have to get to the bathroom, stat.

    Unfortunately, the bathroom was on the other side of the living room. The living room was where her parents were now sitting, watching tv.

    So I took her panties, wrapped them tightly around my schlong, pulled up my pants, and marched across that living room like nothing at all happened.

    We broke up on the ride to drop me off.

    wow, that is horrible.

    Casper on
  • Cosmic SombreroCosmic Sombrero Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    man sex is about two people
    why would you want sex with someone who doesn't really want it?

    oh god

    So my second girlfriend breaks up with me because she has this weird inferiority complex and I'm being too nice to her. She's talking to me on AIM, asking if there's anything she can do to make the break better. Jokingly, I say "A going away blowjob!" She says "Really? Okay."

    if there was anything I could beat my younger self for, it's that.

    Cosmic Sombrero on
  • Cosmic SombreroCosmic Sombrero Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Casper wrote: »
    Critical wrote: »
    Found it!
    Critical wrote:
    So I took her panties, wrapped them tightly around my schlong, pulled up my pants, and marched across that living room like nothing at all happened.

    We broke up on the ride to drop me off.

    wow, that is horrible.

    Seriously. Twenty years old and she's dating a sixteen year old and living at home.

    Cosmic Sombrero on
  • CptKemzikCptKemzik Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Critical wrote: »
    Found it!
    Critical wrote:
    So, when I was 16 I got my first real girlfriend. By "real girlfriend" I mean she let me play with her tits, which makes a pretty fucking serious relationship when you have limited social skills and are by all accounts a geek. Also, this girl was 20.

    Anyway, a couple months in we hadn't had sex yet, and for some reason I wasn't getting any attention. She had no problem with me being a couple knuckles deep in her whenever we made out, but the wee-wee is getting impatient. So one night I grew a pair and whipped it out. Thankfully, she started to give me a handjob.

    Then I found out why she waited so long to do anything.

    She was fucking terrible. Apparently trying to yank my cock off of my body was the plan, and the plan was going rather well.

    I moved my hand up to the back of her neck and mentioned something about lubrication. Basically a nice way of saying "Your mouth, my dong, please and thank you." She's not too bright, doesn't get the hint, and licks her palm.

    When she does this, the diamond ring on her ring finger that she failed to remove gets turned around so the setting is facing inward. She grasps my shaft and tries to propel my dick through my abdomen, creating a large furrow from tip to taint. I politely told her to stop what she was doing with a "Stop it you fucking evil harpy!" It's the reverse of Moses parting the red sea, with the red sea coming out of the terrain of my pumphandle at an alarming rate. I have to get to the bathroom, stat.

    Unfortunately, the bathroom was on the other side of the living room. The living room was where her parents were now sitting, watching tv.

    So I took her panties, wrapped them tightly around my schlong, pulled up my pants, and marched across that living room like nothing at all happened.

    We broke up on the ride to drop me off.

    Hahaha I remember this.

    CptKemzik on
  • Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Eesh. Crossing legs now.

    Diamond cutters.

    Goose! on
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Critical wrote: »
    When she does this, the diamond ring on her ring finger that she failed to remove gets turned around so the setting is facing inward.
    D:

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
  • Vampire_GoldfishVampire_Goldfish Registered User
    edited August 2008
    The pain means its working.

    Vampire_Goldfish on
    signatureseh.jpg
  • WrenWren Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    blood is natures lube. should've gone with the flow

    Wren on
    tf2sig.jpg
    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
  • WrenWren Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    (pun intended)

    Wren on
    tf2sig.jpg
    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
  • Vampire_GoldfishVampire_Goldfish Registered User
    edited August 2008
    A never ending supply of lube really.

    Vampire_Goldfish on
    signatureseh.jpg
  • UmaroUmaro Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Well, I once went down on my first girlfriend and she didn't inform me she was on her period until it was over and I was staring at my fingers in shock and awe.

    "I thought your vagina just tasted like pennies today."

    Umaro on
    Dogs.jpg
  • JunpeiJunpei Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    A never ending supply of lube really.

    It runs out eventually, but her arm is gonna be pretty damn tired before that happens.

    Junpei on
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've kinda faked orgasms as a guy

    same.

    neville on
    nevillexmassig1.png
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    crwth wrote: »
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    This

    A thousand times this

    man, you two are pretty tame if you think that's the worst.
    You have no idea what the worst could be.

    neville on
    nevillexmassig1.png
  • WrenWren Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    dick in butt

    poop comes out

    Wren on
    tf2sig.jpg
    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    haha saline

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • JunpeiJunpei Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Go on Neville, spell it out.

    Never been worried about poop on dick, it all washes off. It's when you have a tooth embedded in your dick that I kinda draw the line though.

    Junpei on
  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Wren wrote: »
    dick in butt

    hamster comes out

    Canada_jezus on
  • Vampire_GoldfishVampire_Goldfish Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Butt in dick, poop come out dick? Poop, like from a butt?

    Vampire_Goldfish on
    signatureseh.jpg
  • Grey GhostGrey Ghost Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    neville wrote: »
    I've kinda faked orgasms as a guy

    same.

    Alright, how exactly can we guys fake an orgasm?
    Like, there is a pretty obvious visual cue if a guy just came or not that is sorta hard to fake

    Grey Ghost on
  • WrenWren Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Junpei wrote: »
    Go on Neville, spell it out.

    Never been worried about poop on dick, it all washes off. It's when you have a tooth embedded in your dick that I kinda draw the line though.

    I'd be worried if someones butt had teeth

    Wren on
    tf2sig.jpg
    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
This discussion has been closed.