I once was mid coitus and then my brother burst into my room like "SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR" and I was all "GET THE FUCK OUT" and the person at the door turned out to be my girlfriend's mother.
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The Black HunterThe key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple,unimpeachable reason to existRegistered Userregular
I think I've only had weird sex.
My ex-girlfriend had some really weird fetishes though. Like... knives... and uhh... really forceful stuff. She was kind of into a little blood too.
That was a little awkward for me. Mostly because I was a gigantic dork and totally in love so it felt pretty counter-intuitive.
I had a girlfriend that wanted to try light bondage, like fuzzy handcuffs and such, but would always chicken out when we actually got into the store to buy them. She'd be all excited and eager, but as soon as we took one step in through the door she'd immediately clam up and become all nervous and awkward.
As for bad sex stories: my first time. Came waaaay too early, but I think that's pretty universal among teenage virgins.
-Another of my exes had dead-fish syndrome. She'd just lie there, her face all scrunched up, looking like she was taking a massive dump. It was like fucking a real doll. A real doll that had to take a shit.
I've had a couple bad experiences (minus the crier in Japan)
The first time I had penetration -- the "just the tip" experience that everyone is so fond of -- was in a room full of 12 other people after a friend's graduation party.
Goddamn that was weird.
Another time I was having sex in my bedroom and my little brother runs up, quite unsure of, well, everything, at that time, and thankfully she and I heard him barreling up the stairs and had a little time to prepare. I was throwing my pants on and she was under the covers (I think pretending to sleep?? I was so confused I have no idea). Needless to say I yell to him to get out and he goes downstairs. I later hear from my mother that he remarked "it looked like we had just gotten out of the shower".
Goddamn there was one other kind of awful thing that I was gonna write but I lost it.
The other day my girl was all "let's do it" and I'm like "sure, make the bed look a little nicer I gotta go do something or another" and when I came back she had tied ties to it so she could tie my wrists down, and she had located a red bandana to use as a blindfold.
I think I've only had weird sex.
My ex-girlfriend had some really weird fetishes though. Like... knives... and uhh... really forceful stuff. She was kind of into a little blood too.
That was a little awkward for me. Mostly because I was a gigantic dork and totally in love so it felt pretty counter-intuitive.
The other day my girl was all "let's do it" and I'm like "sure, make the bed look a little nicer I gotta go do something or another" and when I came back she had tied ties to it so she could tie my wrists down, and she had located a red bandana to use as a blindfold.
when i was like 16 my girlfriend came over one night after my mom had gone to bed. i guess we kind of felt we had to sneak around. anyways the next morning i woke up after my mom had gone to work, i guess i didn't have school that day or something. so i checked my email and there was one from my mom. there was no subject, and the message was as follows: "Could you guys keep it down from now on, I had trouble sleeping last night."
i was pretty mortified and didn't look my mom in the eye for like a week.
The other day my girl was all "let's do it" and I'm like "sure, make the bed look a little nicer I gotta go do something or another" and when I came back she had tied ties to it so she could tie my wrists down, and she had located a red bandana to use as a blindfold.
That was actually pretty cool.
The things you learn about some people, though...
I kinda wanna try this
It was cool, it was.
Apparently it had been a fantasy of hers for some time, and she pretty much gets all her crazy sex ideas off the top of her dome.
when i was like 16 my girlfriend came over one night after my mom had gone to bed. i guess we kind of felt we had to sneak around. anyways the next morning i woke up after my mom had gone to work, i guess i didn't have school that day or something. so i checked my email and there was one from my mom. there was no subject, and the message was as follows: "Could you guys keep it down from now on, I had trouble sleeping last night."
i was pretty mortified and didn't look my mom in the eye for like a week.
that's harsh. seriously, moms. Internet embarassment now?
My mom always comes in right after and she's all "it's stuffy in here, open a window"
And she usually knocks then comes in, but if my girlfriend is here she knocks and waits for me to get the door.
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Clint EastwoodMy baby's in there someplaceShe crawled right inRegistered Userregular
edited August 2008
Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.
Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.
Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.
Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.
the "i just ran a marathon" panting
crinkle of cheeseburger wrappers
whale calls
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Clint EastwoodMy baby's in there someplaceShe crawled right inRegistered Userregular
edited August 2008
his rolls of blubber were so epic that she had to ride him like an obese stallion
noises that you suspect to either be farts, queefs, or expulsions of oxygen from his rolls
oh, and she was a big-time screamer, too, lots of "grab my fucking ass!"
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Kane Red RobeMaster of MagicArcanusRegistered Userregular
don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.
luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.
yes, it is generally good to avoid the fat chick scenario
when I was in the dorms my friends and I were drinking and apparently their goal was t get me and this other kinda chubby chick together. I can't really put a measurement on it since it was vodka we were drinking but even though I was pretty drunk, I skillfully foiled their plans.
Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.
Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.
the "i just ran a marathon" panting
crinkle of cheeseburger wrappers
whale calls
sleep apnea mask making the post-sex cuddling far more difficult
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Zonugal(He/Him) The Holiday ArmadilloI'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico!Registered Userregular
Extract from Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh (Cape)
It was uncomfortably hot in Mary's flat, but Skinner took a seat opposite the fat old woman. - Can you help me? He said earnestly.
- What's your problem?
He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.
- Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!
Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...
- Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.
As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.
Fuckin cheeky auld clart ...
- Next time ah'll bring a strap on, he said bitterly.
Ignoring him, Mary lay back on the bed and pulled away at the sagging corrugations of her body until she was able to locate her sex. - Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded. ...
Work it in, Mary urged, as Skinner took his thick green slime and spread it like a chef might glaze some pastry, at the same time slowly breaching and exploring. A ludicrously distended clitoris popped out from nowhere like a jack-in-the-box, the size of a small boy's penis, and disconcertingly strangulated groans coming from the bed told Skinner that he was hitting the spot. After a while she gasped, - Pit it in now ... pit it in ...
don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.
luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.
yes, it is generally good to avoid the fat chick scenario
when I was in the dorms my friends and I were drinking and apparently their goal was t get me and this other kinda chubby chick together. I can't really put a measurement on it since it was vodka we were drinking but even though I was pretty drunk, I skillfully foiled their plans.
but i mean there comes a certain time in a man's life when he just has to take the easy lay.
I had a girlfriend that wanted to try light bondage, like fuzzy handcuffs and such, but would always chicken out when we actually got into the store to buy them. She'd be all excited and eager, but as soon as we took one step in through the door she'd immediately clam up and become all nervous and awkward.
My girlfriend had the same interest. We got some velvety cuffs with straps and a blindfold. It's pretty fun. She likes to grab at the sheets or pillows usually. When she's tied up, it's fun watching her pull against the straps trying to get a hold of something.
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Clint EastwoodMy baby's in there someplaceShe crawled right inRegistered Userregular
edited August 2008
could have been worse, i guess
after they finished we went and fucked in my car to get away from the horrid post-coital stench
Posts
It's so simple!
3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348 www.Twitch.TV/cooljammer00
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naknaknaknaknak
She snored so loudly I grabbed my sleeping bag and slept outside on the flat plain.
I was woken up by wind flaying my face off
then got stuck awkwardly waiting in a corridor right next to her
I can laugh about it now etc etc
yes
bow chicka wow wow
She wanted me
I did not want her
at all
She was probably a freak in the sack.
My ex-girlfriend had some really weird fetishes though. Like... knives... and uhh... really forceful stuff. She was kind of into a little blood too.
That was a little awkward for me. Mostly because I was a gigantic dork and totally in love so it felt pretty counter-intuitive.
As for bad sex stories: my first time. Came waaaay too early, but I think that's pretty universal among teenage virgins.
-Another of my exes had dead-fish syndrome. She'd just lie there, her face all scrunched up, looking like she was taking a massive dump. It was like fucking a real doll. A real doll that had to take a shit.
The first time I had penetration -- the "just the tip" experience that everyone is so fond of -- was in a room full of 12 other people after a friend's graduation party.
Goddamn that was weird.
Another time I was having sex in my bedroom and my little brother runs up, quite unsure of, well, everything, at that time, and thankfully she and I heard him barreling up the stairs and had a little time to prepare. I was throwing my pants on and she was under the covers (I think pretending to sleep?? I was so confused I have no idea). Needless to say I yell to him to get out and he goes downstairs. I later hear from my mother that he remarked "it looked like we had just gotten out of the shower".
Goddamn there was one other kind of awful thing that I was gonna write but I lost it.
You know I never had that.
I think it was all the porn I watched and the truly tremendous amount of times I jerked it before finally having sex.
Nah man
Not at all universal. You're almost alone over there. Sucks, huh?
If there was a way to make paper bags sexually attractive maybe, her body was good, her face was basically eyes and teeth
That was actually pretty cool.
The things you learn about some people, though...
what the fuck
I kinda wanna try this
i was pretty mortified and didn't look my mom in the eye for like a week.
It was cool, it was.
Apparently it had been a fantasy of hers for some time, and she pretty much gets all her crazy sex ideas off the top of her dome.
Which is cool.
that's harsh. seriously, moms. Internet embarassment now?
Whatever happened to the awkward breakfast?
3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348 www.Twitch.TV/cooljammer00
Battle.Net: JohnDarc#1203 Origin/UPlay: CoolJammer00
And she usually knocks then comes in, but if my girlfriend is here she knocks and waits for me to get the door.
Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.
don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.
luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.
the "i just ran a marathon" panting
crinkle of cheeseburger wrappers
whale calls
noises that you suspect to either be farts, queefs, or expulsions of oxygen from his rolls
oh, and she was a big-time screamer, too, lots of "grab my fucking ass!"
yes, it is generally good to avoid the fat chick scenario
when I was in the dorms my friends and I were drinking and apparently their goal was t get me and this other kinda chubby chick together. I can't really put a measurement on it since it was vodka we were drinking but even though I was pretty drunk, I skillfully foiled their plans.
Well, shit.
sleep apnea mask making the post-sex cuddling far more difficult
I'm at 20 years, some of us got real problems bucko!
- What's your problem?
He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.
- Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!
Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...
- Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.
As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.
Fuckin cheeky auld clart ...
- Next time ah'll bring a strap on, he said bitterly.
Ignoring him, Mary lay back on the bed and pulled away at the sagging corrugations of her body until she was able to locate her sex. - Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded. ...
Work it in, Mary urged, as Skinner took his thick green slime and spread it like a chef might glaze some pastry, at the same time slowly breaching and exploring. A ludicrously distended clitoris popped out from nowhere like a jack-in-the-box, the size of a small boy's penis, and disconcertingly strangulated groans coming from the bed told Skinner that he was hitting the spot. After a while she gasped, - Pit it in now ... pit it in ...
but i mean there comes a certain time in a man's life when he just has to take the easy lay.
My girlfriend had the same interest. We got some velvety cuffs with straps and a blindfold. It's pretty fun. She likes to grab at the sheets or pillows usually. When she's tied up, it's fun watching her pull against the straps trying to get a hold of something.
after they finished we went and fucked in my car to get away from the horrid post-coital stench
dude, graves, not cool
not cool