Being there for someone who tried to kill themself

saint2e · September 2008

Hello all,

I find myself in a situation I've never really been in before. Yesterday my cousin tried to kill himself. As some background, he's married, has two kids, house, two cars, but has been battling depression, and has been drinking a lot. I'm told he's had the attitude that he "can't get anything right". Not being successful at killing himself (which I'm very thankful for) is probably not going to help that line of thinking, but then again it's better than if he was actually successful. He's going to be in the hospital for the next 2 days under observation.

Now, as far as my relationship with him, I haven't seen him in months. I recently started dating someone, and am really busy with work, so I haven't taken time out to hang out with him recently. I had no idea he was so down and out because last I heard he was stopping drinking altogether. Obviously that didn't last long.

I'm looking for advice from those who have been in this situation before. I don't want to go all in gung ho about "hanging out" and seeming insincere. I feel bad that I haven't seen him in a while, and I imagine he's either embarrassed and me going in to see him too soon won't help the situation.

My current thinking is to wait until he's out of the hospital, and go and visit him at home after a week goes by. Good idea/bad idea? What are your thoughts?

tl;dr: Cousin tried to kill himself, I haven't seen him in a while, but want to be supportive. What's the best way to do so?

Slagmire · September 2008

I'd probably not wait - visit him in the hospital for a few minutes, see if he wants to talk about his problems, help remind him (but don't be heavy-handed) that people care and rely on him and that their lives could also be wrecked if he decides to go down this path to self-destruction. Don't let him feel embarrassed about his situation - remind him family is there for support and that's why you're there.

Drew_9999 · September 2008

I've never been in this situation, but I think unless you wait a really long time, the first visit will be awkward for both of you. So show that you care by visiting as soon as possible. You don't have to be gung ho about hanging out with him on a regular basis, but let him know that if he needs to talk that you'll be there for him. And then be there for him. Also, make sure that he's able to get the help he needs. Friends and family can only do so much. He needs to continue receiving professional help. Good luck to both of you!

Derrick · September 2008

Visit sooner rather than later. As someone fighting depression myself, I know I would be fairly crushed if I tried to kill myself, failed, and no one bothered to say anything about it.

SuperBowser · September 2008

saint2e wrote: »

My current thinking is to wait until he's out of the hospital, and go and visit him at home after a week goes by. Good idea/bad idea? What are your thoughts?

Go now. The sooner, the better.

It might help to think about what you want to talk to him about before you get there (i can't comment without knowing how well you guys get along), but just being there means a lot.

saint2e · September 2008

Thanks for the input. We don't really talk much about anything deep, so I figure I'll bring my PSP with some games with me and let him borrow it while he's in the hospital, as he'll probably be pretty bored.

I'm gonna call his parents today and see when visiting hours are and make my way there after work.

Lackadaisical · September 2008

Go as soon as you can.

Be positive and just talk with him about any subject he wants to talk about.

Try to subtly give him excuses to live--to see his kids grow up, so that his wife isn't in financial peril and a similarly depressed situation as he's been in. It helps. Never for a second joke about the suicide attempt--definitely don't call it a "stupid" idea. Be serious and tell him how much you all care for him, how it would be awful to live life without him, because I'm sure his wife and kids feel this way, and you should too.

Goodluck, best regards.

Feral · September 2008

Hang out with him, as other people have said. Suicidal thoughts get worse with isolation.

Ask him lots of questions. How are you doing? How's home? How's work? Let him talk. If he doesn't wanna talk, don't press it. But just make an effort to show that you're there to lend an ear.

Sometimes people want to hear, "Hi, how are you doing?" and not be judged harshly if they say, "Man, I feel like shit today."

Trowizilla · September 2008

Go visit him in the hospital. He's probably desperately lonely and scared; hospitals aren't happy places. Let him know you care about him but don't dwell on it; instead, try to talk like you would normally. Just being reminded about the people who care about him and life not having to suck is a million times more helpful than a big, awkward, "so you tried to kill yourself" talk.

lizard eats flies · September 2008

I'm going to echo what everyone else has said. Go visit. Be positive. Just be there for him. Also dont expect anything. Like, he may be really down, he may be chipper and upbeat as hell. He may even joke about it. Just be prepared for things to be weird. Also dont judge or anything. It can be really hard because people tend to want to blame the person or be made or do the whole "how could you do this?" sort of thing... but ya gotta just block that out. Remember, he almost died, but didnt, so be happy.

I dont think you need to remind him that people care and all that. It kinda sounds like bullshit when you are the one hearing it. Plus hes probably heard the line enough to make his head asplode. Your presence shows him that you care.

Another thing is dont go down the road of blaming yourself or anything. Its easy to slip into the "oh if i just hung out more with him" or something like that. Also dont pretend that you understand what hes going through.. cause I guarantee you, you dont, unless you've been in a similar situation. So if he wants to talk about it, be a good listener.

But yea go in, be positive, hes probably bored as heck, so the psp is a good idea. Leave it with him too cause after he gets out it gives you a good reason to go back and visit and see how hes doing.

GoodOmens · September 2008

Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK. There are people who can give you advice and support services.

Sarcastro · September 2008

If it were my cousin, I'd drop everything and go visit. I don't see my cousins very often, maybe a few times a year, but that is simply because if I don't hear from them, I assume all is going well. If something important comes up though, hell mang, I am there in a hurry. This is something important, and I would say that the presence of family is going to make a big difference.

Just be glad to see them, don't make any harsh judgement calls, and spend some time. If they want to talk, sure, talk, if they just want to hang, thats okay too.

Hypatia · October 2008

Speaking as someone who's been in your cousin's situation before, go and talk to him while he's in the hospital, but don't talk about depression/suicide/how are you doing stuff. That's what he's getting from everyone and it starts sounding like a broken record. Make sure he has a lot of stuff to keep busy with instead of having to sit around dwelling on his situation and what he's done.

While a professional might help, I'd say make sure he knows that finding the -right- professional might take a while and that you support him finding the right one instead of just expecting the first one working.

I don't want to project too much onto this, but if you need more advice or input, feel free to PM me!

saint2e · October 2008

I called his parents' house and got the answering machine so I left a message asking what hospital he was in, and when visiting hours were.

I got a call back from my Uncle who said that my cousin was out of the hospital and and their place. He said that he would let my cousin know I called, but didn't even mention the possibility of a visit.

I did talk to my cousin later and he did seem happy that he wasn't in the hospital anymore. Apparently he was bored to tears, so my PSP would've been a good idea. I told him about that plan and he said they wouldn't have let him have it anyways. He seemed very embarassed, but very upbeat... Probably a show, so I didn't dwell on things, just talked about sports and whatnot.

We had a chat for a couple minutes and then he had to run. I guess he and his wife were having problems, which spawned this. He was going to go chat with his wife.

It's unfortunate because I'm about a 90 minute drive away and am quite sick at the moment. I'm going to give him a call later today as well to chat.

Nataneko · October 2008

A couple years ago, my cousin tried to kill herself and I got the new only weeks later when she was in a mental institution. I visited her there as soon as I could, even if I'm not close to her (usually I'd see her 2-3 times a year)

It's going to be kind of awkward in a "I know you know what I did" kind of way, but just talk to him the way you usually do, talk about games or whatever it is you talk about. If he wants to talk about his suicide attempt, let him do so, but don't force any talk. maybe just play something together without talking, I'm sure he'd like that you're being there

GungHo · October 2008

Just be there for him if he needs to talk and call to check up on him without calling him to check up on him, if you know what I mean. The last thing you should do to someone in distress is ignore them... and the second-to-last thing is to smother them.

Penny Arcade

Quick Links

Being there for someone who tried to kill themself

Posts