I think most of us would start to question what we were doing wrong or weren't doing if our wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends would rather watch porn or go to a strip club or online than spend time with us.
Whut, are you really saying that because someone is using porn it means they're not satisfied in their relationship? Because that's patently ridiculous and if your girlfriend has a problem with it, she probably needs to grow the fuck up.
I'm saying it is something that I think would pop into most people's heads if it happened. Hence the most, not "all". Why else do we see stories like this where the wife is ticked when she finds her husband online like the OP has it?
I don't think it's ridiculous and my wife would definitely have a problem with it. I would too, so it works out well with us. And no, she does not need to grow up.
I'm human too, but I would rather spend time with my wife than watch porn.
Well the first problem here is that you're using the majorities ideas of something related to a relationship as useful. It isn’t, like at all, the average person has incredibly fucked up views of how a relationship should work. So we can safely ignore what they think.
Just because you wish to ignore what the majority thinks doesn't mean that my thought about what they might think (which was a proposition, not a statement or fact) is wrong. I was not stating that it was the only way to think, nor was I stating that it was the correct way to think. I was merely pondering what the majority of society would think about a certain situation.
The second is that you’d rather be with your wife then do x, we in itself is pretty ridiculous. I doubt you spend one hundred percent of the time together, and if you do I can’t see that being at all healthy. So you’re just making arbitrary distinctions between what you do alone.
No, we do not spend 100% of our time together. No, I do not always want to spend every time we are together just cuddling on the couch. However, I do think that if I want to be sexually aroused, I would rather do so with my wife, a real person, than with a computer monitor or TV. It's personal preference.
Which means the real question is why does my wife/I have a problem with the other watching porn? Is it because I see it as them cheating on me? If so the answer is grow up and realise the distinction, is it because I have ridiculously puritanical views towards sex? Or is it because I’m so possessive that I hate to see him having time away from me? In which case I need to really sort out those issues and find out what’s making me so damn possessive.
Perhaps they do see it as cheating, and they probably should have discussed it earlier, or discuss it now before it gets worse. The answer is not to "grow up" because that is an incredibly short-sighted answer. The answer is to talk about it. That's how relationships work.
Is it a reasonably fine puritanical (or religious) view? That's also fine, and in my case, yes, my wife and I are Christians. It's not unhealthy and I would argue that our relationship is one of the best I have seen.
If it is a possessive thing, then yes, one could mark it down as a psychological problem that should be corrected, but it may also be the fact that they believe that marriage takes two individuals and joins them in such a way that it is wrong for the other to seek out something they could easily get from their mate.
I'm not being judgmental here. I'm not making personal attacks. I was simply pondering a thought that i think the majority of people may share. The statement that my wife or I need to grow up or have "ridiculous" puritanical beliefs is not cool, and I would appreciate it to stop. People have different beliefs and we don't need to condemn each other for holding to them. This isn't SE++, so lets continue to talk about the differences between online and offline interactions between people.
Posts
Personally, I'm not bothered.
There's nothing wrong with porn. But both partners have to be okay with it, and it should be used to supplement sex, not replace it.
If something's wrong with your relationship, the overconsumption of porn would be a symptom, not a cause.
It's up to the relationship to decide if it's okay, not some random person going "yeah you should be okay with it because I totally am."
In general a little porn isn't bad.
As long as both couples agree. Being an unreasonable ass if your S/O has a problem with it doesn't mean they should come to H/A and D&D and rant about it, though. In my opinion.
I really think a person is childish if their response is to "grow up because you like to watch porn and everyone should be okay with that in a relationship, mirite?"
porn can be fun to watch with your partner. if you are alone watching porn while your girlfriend is in the next room.... that probably means theres a problem somewhere.
So I don't think porn by itself is a bad thing. Now if you're going into those webcam chat rooms with the girls, and offer to pay for a private showing or whatever... Yeah that's kinda going over the line.
What I find problematic and immature is the idea of two people who got married with their views on sex in such a differing and undisclosed state. I feel, personally, that porn and masturbation aren't cheating, they're ways of impersonally correcting momentarily or generally unsynched sex drives. It's a medical fact that masturbation isn't bad for you in any quantity short of ridiculous, it's a fact that people don't want to screw at the same time every time, so, you know, why not do whatever?
I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)
I can't see myself with a woman that thinks porn is cheating. That's up there with women who think looking is cheating, or talking is cheating.
I don't buy that I don't want my girlfriend because I might look at some porn. That's like saying I won't eat a five course meal because I have donuts on occasion, or I wouldn't drive a race car because I own Grand Turismo.
There's also sort of a vibe in relationships where you think you should own the other person's sex drive, and I think that's kind of clingy.
All that said, if you're a frequent porn consumer, you should understand that you might have to change your habit if you get in a relationship. And you definately shouldn't take attitudes about women or relationships from porn, anymore then you should watch Commando and take away attitudes on how to be a soldier.
I host a podcast about movies.
You are right.
In that situation maybe stop watching porn yourself try and to brake them into porn gently, maybe watch some Sex and the City together or something. I think most women who are sexually active already could be brought around to the idea that porn can be enjoyable, but insisting on watching hardcore porn and telling them they are being prudes will not help the situation.
I'm half convinced you are just trying to add new anecdotes to get people to tell you to break up with her*. Next week it will be that she likes to cut you in your sleep.
*'cause you should
QEDMF xbl: PantsB G+
well it doesnt say, "thou shalt not watch porn". but it does have sayings about "sexual immorality" and "acts of indecency" things like that. porn is just voyeurism at its most inpersonal level, so while the bible may not say "dont watch porn" it does say "sex should only be between a man and a woman concealed in the bedroom"
just saying.
9 out of 10 psychologists agree that adhering strictly to the bible is suicide for your mental health and would make you a criminal. The tenth bought his degree online.
cite please :P
I wouldn't say it's immature, though I would disagree with someone who said that porn couldn't be part of a healthy relationship.
That said, I definitely agree that if one person has a problem with porn, it's inconsiderate to not give it up.
From a Christian school.
I host a podcast about movies.
I can also imagine someone watching it because they do get something out of it that they don't get in their personal lives. If you haven't noticed, thems some pretty wild stuff in thar porno film. Stuff that most men or women can't get their partner to do, or are too embarrassed to ask about.
QEDMF xbl: PantsB G+
That would probably make me feel a little uneasy, yeah.
Well, at least its not one white guy.
I'd say ElJeffe probably hits it on the head best here.
I've known people who have been in both of these camps. The "horny and not around" camp generally is pretty well-adjusted as far as couples go from the ones I've seen, because they're able to vent that desire without (A) bothering/guilting the other party when they're not interested, and (B) not having an affair with another ACTUAL person.
But I've also known a couple where the guy prefers the porn over his wife. I don't know why they haven't gotten divorced yet... they're pretty miserable, and it's kind of horrible to be around them at all because pretty much everything descends into this all-out fight. But I think even then it's more of a symptom rather than the problem itself. The porn isn't what causes the tension: it's just one of the many results of the tension that's already there.
EDIT: I didn't summarize, just noticed. Basically, the first camp isn't bad as long as everyone involved is okay with it (because in the end, if someone thinks it's a problem it IS a problem). The second camp, to me, never seems good.
But the problem is, her sex drive just isn't as high as mine. It's not abnormal, it's actually fairly typical, and it's something that we've just had to work through. She's not crazy about me looking at porn, she's got no interest in it herself, but she understands that it's an outlet for me when she's not in the mood.
I'm right with you guys and the two camps, I think that's the best way you can look at it. I also do think that it can become a problem and that guys need to be honest with themselves and their partners, or it can really be destructive.
Yes/No
If the first, then there's no problem. If the latter, then there's a problem. Which isn't bad, but it's something that has to be worked out.
Marriage has an inertia both wonderful and terrible.
Well clearly, but the question is whether the problem is with the person who's jealous or on the part of the consumer. Because I hold that it's the former not the latter, and that if you do have a problem ideally you should ask yourself why and attempt to get over it.
There really isn't anything wrong with that. There's a large disconnect between what people find sexy in fantasies, and real life.
As supposed gamers, we should all be familiar with this, "doesn't reflect who I am in my life" bit. All of us. I would also like to think we're all intelligent, too, but I'll stick to appealing to the gamer logic which is still true.
Porn just isn't bad. The jealousy and RAGE that results from a partner watching porn which is a completely natural, human thing, like eating pizza is a result of either extreme moral oppression, or insecurity. I admit that one of those I have a significantly smaller threshold of tolerance for. The other is simply a result of misinformation/ignorance, and the cure is a good hug. More or less.
I mean, there's no real point in a porn called, "Loving, gentle, twice weekly sex with a commited SO"
I host a podcast about movies.
Though who you think there's something wrong with is irrelevant. No one is a rational actor and this is something that should, at some point during a relationship and definitely before marriage, be figured out.
I've seen that one!
It made "I love you and I want you, but let's wait until we're married" look like "Heavy petting in the backseat after a movie."
By something that needs to be worked out, do you mean "You're being completely unreasonable to the porn watching" or "We have different opinions on what is right and need to come to the conclusion on what's best for our relationship"? It seems the first one is the tune a lot of people here are going towards, probably from love of teh pron, whilst the second one is the more correct one which ElJeffe and a few others have highlighted.