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Your partner watching porn

LeitnerLeitner Registered User regular
edited March 2010 in Debate and/or Discourse
ArcSyn wrote: »
Leitner wrote: »
ArcSyn wrote: »
Leitner wrote: »
ArcSyn wrote: »

I think most of us would start to question what we were doing wrong or weren't doing if our wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends would rather watch porn or go to a strip club or online than spend time with us.

Whut, are you really saying that because someone is using porn it means they're not satisfied in their relationship? Because that's patently ridiculous and if your girlfriend has a problem with it, she probably needs to grow the fuck up.

I'm saying it is something that I think would pop into most people's heads if it happened. Hence the most, not "all". Why else do we see stories like this where the wife is ticked when she finds her husband online like the OP has it?

I don't think it's ridiculous and my wife would definitely have a problem with it. I would too, so it works out well with us. And no, she does not need to grow up.

I'm human too, but I would rather spend time with my wife than watch porn.

Well the first problem here is that you're using the majorities ideas of something related to a relationship as useful. It isn’t, like at all, the average person has incredibly fucked up views of how a relationship should work. So we can safely ignore what they think.

Just because you wish to ignore what the majority thinks doesn't mean that my thought about what they might think (which was a proposition, not a statement or fact) is wrong. I was not stating that it was the only way to think, nor was I stating that it was the correct way to think. I was merely pondering what the majority of society would think about a certain situation.
The second is that you’d rather be with your wife then do x, we in itself is pretty ridiculous. I doubt you spend one hundred percent of the time together, and if you do I can’t see that being at all healthy. So you’re just making arbitrary distinctions between what you do alone.

No, we do not spend 100% of our time together. No, I do not always want to spend every time we are together just cuddling on the couch. However, I do think that if I want to be sexually aroused, I would rather do so with my wife, a real person, than with a computer monitor or TV. It's personal preference.
Which means the real question is why does my wife/I have a problem with the other watching porn? Is it because I see it as them cheating on me? If so the answer is grow up and realise the distinction, is it because I have ridiculously puritanical views towards sex? Or is it because I’m so possessive that I hate to see him having time away from me? In which case I need to really sort out those issues and find out what’s making me so damn possessive.

Perhaps they do see it as cheating, and they probably should have discussed it earlier, or discuss it now before it gets worse. The answer is not to "grow up" because that is an incredibly short-sighted answer. The answer is to talk about it. That's how relationships work.

Is it a reasonably fine puritanical (or religious) view? That's also fine, and in my case, yes, my wife and I are Christians. It's not unhealthy and I would argue that our relationship is one of the best I have seen.

If it is a possessive thing, then yes, one could mark it down as a psychological problem that should be corrected, but it may also be the fact that they believe that marriage takes two individuals and joins them in such a way that it is wrong for the other to seek out something they could easily get from their mate.

I'm not being judgmental here. I'm not making personal attacks. I was simply pondering a thought that i think the majority of people may share. The statement that my wife or I need to grow up or have "ridiculous" puritanical beliefs is not cool, and I would appreciate it to stop. People have different beliefs and we don't need to condemn each other for holding to them. This isn't SE++, so lets continue to talk about the differences between online and offline interactions between people.

I disagree. Whilst I’m pretty busy now, I’ll try to hash out a proper post later.

Any critiques D&D. Can you complain about your SO watching a (reasonable amount) of porn and ever be in the right. If so, why?

Leitner on
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Posts

  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Sure, it's your prerogative to complain about any crazy shit you feel like. And if your SO is a person who cares about you, they'll pay attention.

    Personally, I'm not bothered.

    durandal4532 on
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  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited November 2008
    Not all porn habits are created equal. Why is your partner watching? Is it because he's horny and you're not around? Is it because he would rather wank it to fake sex than have the real thing with you? Is it because he thinks you're not hot enough? The former doesn't sound bad at all. The latter two, different story.

    There's nothing wrong with porn. But both partners have to be okay with it, and it should be used to supplement sex, not replace it.

    ElJeffe on
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  • FencingsaxFencingsax It is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understanding GNU Terry PratchettRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    The way I see, I take the Dan Savage attitude on this sort of thing. Porn isn't cheating, and monogamy isn't promising not to look at anyone else, it's promising not to be with anyone else. Unless your partner likes that sort of thing.

    If something's wrong with your relationship, the overconsumption of porn would be a symptom, not a cause.

    Fencingsax on
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  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Why is it problematic to find viewing pornography in a relationship as detrimental? Why is it people who see this is bad, disgusting, cheating, whatever are immature?

    It's up to the relationship to decide if it's okay, not some random person going "yeah you should be okay with it because I totally am."

    bowen on
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  • DmanDman Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Well, If your watching porn instead of having sex with your wife that is a problem.

    In general a little porn isn't bad.

    Dman on
  • ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS
    edited November 2008
    I don't see why I would get upset with a partner viewing porn. The only way I could see myself feeling a need to monopolize their orgasms is if I thought that's what they were keeping me around for, and if I thought that in the first place I'd just dump them or switch to a friends-with-benefits arrangement. I want to be loved for more than just my funny-looking dick.

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  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Dman wrote: »
    Well, If your watching porn instead of having sex with your wife that is a problem.

    In general a little porn isn't bad.

    As long as both couples agree. Being an unreasonable ass if your S/O has a problem with it doesn't mean they should come to H/A and D&D and rant about it, though. In my opinion.

    I really think a person is childish if their response is to "grow up because you like to watch porn and everyone should be okay with that in a relationship, mirite?"

    bowen on
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  • Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    i dont know about hardcore porn.... but i do know that adding tits into a movie (even if you have to add a random unnecissary scene to do it) automatically makes the movie better.

    porn can be fun to watch with your partner. if you are alone watching porn while your girlfriend is in the next room.... that probably means theres a problem somewhere.

    Dunadan019 on
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years in which "we" decided (she thought it was a good idea, and I went along with it) to wait till we got married. So if I didn't have porn, I may have died by now.

    So I don't think porn by itself is a bad thing. Now if you're going into those webcam chat rooms with the girls, and offer to pay for a private showing or whatever... Yeah that's kinda going over the line.

    urahonky on
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    Why is it problematic to find viewing pornography in a relationship as detrimental? Why is it people who see this is bad, disgusting, cheating, whatever are immature?

    It's up to the relationship to decide if it's okay, not some random person going "yeah you should be okay with it because I totally am."

    What I find problematic and immature is the idea of two people who got married with their views on sex in such a differing and undisclosed state. I feel, personally, that porn and masturbation aren't cheating, they're ways of impersonally correcting momentarily or generally unsynched sex drives. It's a medical fact that masturbation isn't bad for you in any quantity short of ridiculous, it's a fact that people don't want to screw at the same time every time, so, you know, why not do whatever?

    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    I can't see myself with a woman that thinks porn is cheating. That's up there with women who think looking is cheating, or talking is cheating.

    I don't buy that I don't want my girlfriend because I might look at some porn. That's like saying I won't eat a five course meal because I have donuts on occasion, or I wouldn't drive a race car because I own Grand Turismo.

    There's also sort of a vibe in relationships where you think you should own the other person's sex drive, and I think that's kind of clingy.

    All that said, if you're a frequent porn consumer, you should understand that you might have to change your habit if you get in a relationship. And you definately shouldn't take attitudes about women or relationships from porn, anymore then you should watch Commando and take away attitudes on how to be a soldier.

    JohnnyCache on
  • DmanDman Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    Dman wrote: »
    Well, If your watching porn instead of having sex with your wife that is a problem.

    In general a little porn isn't bad.

    As long as both couples agree. Being an unreasonable ass if your S/O has a problem with it doesn't mean they should come to H/A and D&D and rant about it, though. In my opinion.

    I really think a person is childish if their response is to "grow up because you like to watch porn and everyone should be okay with that in a relationship, mirite?"

    You are right.

    In that situation maybe stop watching porn yourself try and to brake them into porn gently, maybe watch some Sex and the City together or something. I think most women who are sexually active already could be brought around to the idea that porn can be enjoyable, but insisting on watching hardcore porn and telling them they are being prudes will not help the situation.

    Dman on
  • PantsBPantsB Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I have decided making "rules" up about relationships is counterproductive. Everyone has quirks and things that will bug the hell out of them. The only one who can determine whether a request (don't watch porn) or activity (watching porn) is within the bounds of the relationship are the two people in the relationship. Outside opinion isn't going to convince anyone or (de)legitimize feelings. If there's a conflict, you can only talk it out with your partner and compromise for each other or one of you can concede the point and move on (since there's going to be things that annoy you). There's no handbook or appeals court, just each other.
    urahonky wrote: »
    I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years in which "we" decided (she thought it was a good idea, and I went along with it) to wait till we got married. So if I didn't have porn, I may have died by now.

    So I don't think porn by itself is a bad thing. Now if you're going into those webcam chat rooms with the girls, and offer to pay for a private showing or whatever... Yeah that's kinda going over the line.

    I'm half convinced you are just trying to add new anecdotes to get people to tell you to break up with her*. Next week it will be that she likes to cut you in your sleep.

    *'cause you should

    PantsB on
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  • Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008

    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    well it doesnt say, "thou shalt not watch porn". but it does have sayings about "sexual immorality" and "acts of indecency" things like that. porn is just voyeurism at its most inpersonal level, so while the bible may not say "dont watch porn" it does say "sex should only be between a man and a woman concealed in the bedroom"

    just saying.

    Dunadan019 on
  • LegionnairedLegionnaired Registered User
    edited November 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    Ow, my face.

    NIV Translates the greek word 'pornos' as 'Sexually Immoral.'

    As for totally contemporary... you are aware that the authorship of the New Testament is, without much dispute, placed within the first century AD, right? The OT is much older. What you read now is translated from Greek/Hebrew manuscripts. You can lust without porn, too.

    Legionnaired on
  • SenjutsuSenjutsu thot enthusiast Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    The conversation in the OP creates an incredibly false dichotomy between "watching teh porns" and "spending time with your SO"

    Senjutsu on
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  • ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS
    edited November 2008
    Dunadan019 wrote: »

    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    well it doesnt say, "thou shalt not watch porn". but it does have sayings about "sexual immorality" and "acts of indecency" things like that. porn is just voyeurism at its most inpersonal level, so while the bible may not say "dont watch porn" it does say "sex should only be between a man and a woman concealed in the bedroom"

    just saying.

    9 out of 10 psychologists agree that adhering strictly to the bible is suicide for your mental health and would make you a criminal. The tenth bought his degree online.

    ViolentChemistry on
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  • Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Dunadan019 wrote: »

    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    well it doesnt say, "thou shalt not watch porn". but it does have sayings about "sexual immorality" and "acts of indecency" things like that. porn is just voyeurism at its most inpersonal level, so while the bible may not say "dont watch porn" it does say "sex should only be between a man and a woman concealed in the bedroom"

    just saying.

    9 out of 10 psychologists agree that adhering strictly to the bible is suicide for your mental health and would make you a criminal. The tenth bought his degree online.

    cite please :P

    Dunadan019 on
  • The Raging PlatypusThe Raging Platypus Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    The conversation in the OP creates an incredibly false dichotomy between "watching teh porns" and "spending time with your SO"

    The Raging Platypus on
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  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited November 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    Why is it problematic to find viewing pornography in a relationship as detrimental? Why is it people who see this is bad, disgusting, cheating, whatever are immature?

    It's up to the relationship to decide if it's okay, not some random person going "yeah you should be okay with it because I totally am."

    I wouldn't say it's immature, though I would disagree with someone who said that porn couldn't be part of a healthy relationship.

    That said, I definitely agree that if one person has a problem with porn, it's inconsiderate to not give it up.

    ElJeffe on
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  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited November 2008
    Dunadan019 wrote: »

    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    well it doesnt say, "thou shalt not watch porn". but it does have sayings about "sexual immorality" and "acts of indecency" things like that. porn is just voyeurism at its most inpersonal level, so while the bible may not say "dont watch porn" it does say "sex should only be between a man and a woman concealed in the bedroom"

    just saying.

    9 out of 10 psychologists agree that adhering strictly to the bible is suicide for your mental health and would make you a criminal. The tenth bought his degree online.

    From a Christian school.

    ElJeffe on
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  • taerictaeric Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    Why would the line stop at porno? It seems to me that the main message of many romantic comedies is incredibly destructive to existing relationships as a surprising number of those involve at least one (if not both) of the two main characters already involved in a relationship?

    taeric on
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    I don't really buy some sort of Christian argument. There's no mention of the word porn in the bible. (It's always struck me as kind of weird that an omniscient being commissioned as his word a totally contemporary book, btw)

    Ow, my face.

    NIV Translates the greek word 'pornos' as 'Sexually Immoral.'

    As for totally contemporary... you are aware that the authorship of the New Testament is, without much dispute, placed within the first century AD, right? The OT is much older. What you read now is translated from Greek/Hebrew manuscripts. You can lust without porn, too.

    Oh yes, I'm very aware of that. That's not what I meant by contemporary. If the bible was really the word of god, it would say shit like, "Don't trust the space aliens when they show up in 2014" and "for fuck's sake, don't text and drive this doth offend me" but NOTHING in the structure or scope of the bible suggests omnipresence or omniscience.

    Since we're on the subject of translation, so what if "pornos" means immoral? "Pornography" is a term assigned to adult entertainment by someone who thought it was immoral, but that doesn't carry the weight of fact. If I name my dog Jesus, King of the Jews, you don't have to obey him because it's the same term used in the bible. (you have to obey him because he's an awesome dog with a kickass little bandana)

    JohnnyCache on
  • Ziac45Ziac45 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I personally don't see a problem with porn. I think the problem starts existing when someone goes for porn over their significant Other. But in general if my girlfriends away it would be better for me to look at porn and get off than just let it build up. Personally when I am horny and have no outlet I start to make stupid decisions that would be much more detrimental to the relationship than me watching porn.

    Ziac45 on
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    I can understand how it can cause problems in a relationship. People are insecure, so the first thought could understandably be "I'm not good enough".

    I can also imagine someone watching it because they do get something out of it that they don't get in their personal lives. If you haven't noticed, thems some pretty wild stuff in thar porno film. Stuff that most men or women can't get their partner to do, or are too embarrassed to ask about.

    Sheep on
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  • EmanonEmanon __BANNED USERS
    edited November 2008
    I don't mind the lady friend watching porn however I'm curious as to why her collection is full of gang bangs of all black men on one white girl o_O

    Emanon on
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  • PantsBPantsB Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Emanon wrote: »
    I don't mind the lady friend watching porn however I'm curious as to why her collection is full of gang bangs of all black men on one white girl who looks suspiciously like her and appears to have been set in our bedroom, kitchen and/or her workplace o_O

    PantsB on
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  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    Emanon wrote: »
    I don't mind the lady friend watching porn however I'm curious as to why her collection is full of gang bangs of all black men on one white girl o_O

    That would probably make me feel a little uneasy, yeah.

    Sheep on
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  • kdrudykdrudy Registered User
    edited November 2008
    Emanon wrote: »
    I don't mind the lady friend watching porn however I'm curious as to why her collection is full of gang bangs of all black men on one white girl o_O

    Well, at least its not one white guy.

    kdrudy on
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  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    ElJeffe wrote: »
    Not all porn habits are created equal. Why is your partner watching? Is it because he's horny and you're not around? Is it because he would rather wank it to fake sex than have the real thing with you? Is it because he thinks you're not hot enough? The former doesn't sound bad at all. The latter two, different story.

    There's nothing wrong with porn. But both partners have to be okay with it, and it should be used to supplement sex, not replace it.

    I'd say ElJeffe probably hits it on the head best here.

    I've known people who have been in both of these camps. The "horny and not around" camp generally is pretty well-adjusted as far as couples go from the ones I've seen, because they're able to vent that desire without (A) bothering/guilting the other party when they're not interested, and (B) not having an affair with another ACTUAL person.

    But I've also known a couple where the guy prefers the porn over his wife. I don't know why they haven't gotten divorced yet... they're pretty miserable, and it's kind of horrible to be around them at all because pretty much everything descends into this all-out fight. But I think even then it's more of a symptom rather than the problem itself. The porn isn't what causes the tension: it's just one of the many results of the tension that's already there.

    EDIT: I didn't summarize, just noticed. Basically, the first camp isn't bad as long as everyone involved is okay with it (because in the end, if someone thinks it's a problem it IS a problem). The second camp, to me, never seems good.

    VThornheart on
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  • PeenPeen tw1tch0rz occasionallyRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    As a married man, I'm comfortable saying that porn isn't necessarily a major problem. I love my wife and think that she's the sexiest woman in the world, and given the opportunity I'd have sex with her 3 times a day.

    But the problem is, her sex drive just isn't as high as mine. It's not abnormal, it's actually fairly typical, and it's something that we've just had to work through. She's not crazy about me looking at porn, she's got no interest in it herself, but she understands that it's an outlet for me when she's not in the mood.

    I'm right with you guys and the two camps, I think that's the best way you can look at it. I also do think that it can become a problem and that guys need to be honest with themselves and their partners, or it can really be destructive.

    Peen on
  • QuidQuid I don't... what... hnnng Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Is your SO okay with it?

    Yes/No

    If the first, then there's no problem. If the latter, then there's a problem. Which isn't bad, but it's something that has to be worked out.

    Quid on
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited November 2008
    But I've also known a couple where the guy prefers the porn over his wife. I don't know why they haven't gotten divorced yet... they're pretty miserable, and it's kind of horrible to be around them at all because pretty much everything descends into this all-out fight.

    Marriage has an inertia both wonderful and terrible.

    ElJeffe on
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  • LeitnerLeitner Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Quid wrote: »
    Is your SO okay with it?

    Yes/No

    If the first, then there's no problem. If the latter, then there's a problem. Which isn't bad, but it's something that has to be worked out.

    Well clearly, but the question is whether the problem is with the person who's jealous or on the part of the consumer. Because I hold that it's the former not the latter, and that if you do have a problem ideally you should ask yourself why and attempt to get over it.

    Leitner on
  • JamesKeenanJamesKeenan Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Sheep wrote: »
    Emanon wrote: »
    I don't mind the lady friend watching porn however I'm curious as to why her collection is full of gang bangs of all black men on one white girl o_O

    That would probably make me feel a little uneasy, yeah.


    There really isn't anything wrong with that. There's a large disconnect between what people find sexy in fantasies, and real life.


    As supposed gamers, we should all be familiar with this, "doesn't reflect who I am in my life" bit. All of us. I would also like to think we're all intelligent, too, but I'll stick to appealing to the gamer logic which is still true.



    Porn just isn't bad. The jealousy and RAGE that results from a partner watching porn which is a completely natural, human thing, like eating pizza is a result of either extreme moral oppression, or insecurity. I admit that one of those I have a significantly smaller threshold of tolerance for. The other is simply a result of misinformation/ignorance, and the cure is a good hug. More or less.

    JamesKeenan on
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    re fantasy, there's also an issue where by default, pron is going to differ a little from what you can get in real life because it can.

    I mean, there's no real point in a porn called, "Loving, gentle, twice weekly sex with a commited SO"

    JohnnyCache on
  • QuidQuid I don't... what... hnnng Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Leitner wrote: »
    Quid wrote: »
    Is your SO okay with it?

    Yes/No

    If the first, then there's no problem. If the latter, then there's a problem. Which isn't bad, but it's something that has to be worked out.

    Well clearly, but the question is whether the problem is with the person who's jealous or on the part of the consumer. Because I hold that it's the former not the latter, and that if you do have a problem ideally you should ask yourself why and attempt to get over it.
    Bigged the part where I already said that.

    Though who you think there's something wrong with is irrelevant. No one is a rational actor and this is something that should, at some point during a relationship and definitely before marriage, be figured out.

    Quid on
  • TofystedethTofystedeth veni, veneri, vamoosi Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    re fantasy, there's also an issue where by default, pron is going to differ a little from what you can get in real life because it can.

    I mean, there's no real point in a porn called, "Loving, gentle, twice weekly sex with a commited SO"

    I've seen that one!
    It made "I love you and I want you, but let's wait until we're married" look like "Heavy petting in the backseat after a movie."

    Tofystedeth on
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  • QuidQuid I don't... what... hnnng Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    re fantasy, there's also an issue where by default, pron is going to differ a little from what you can get in real life because it can.

    I mean, there's no real point in a porn called, "Loving, gentle, twice weekly sex with a commited SO"
    It is when it's live and they don't know I'm watching.

    Quid on
  • CervetusCervetus Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    If the wife has a problem with it, maybe she should make some porn of herself.

    Cervetus on
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  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Quid wrote: »
    Leitner wrote: »
    Quid wrote: »
    Is your SO okay with it?

    Yes/No

    If the first, then there's no problem. If the latter, then there's a problem. Which isn't bad, but it's something that has to be worked out.

    Well clearly, but the question is whether the problem is with the person who's jealous or on the part of the consumer. Because I hold that it's the former not the latter, and that if you do have a problem ideally you should ask yourself why and attempt to get over it.
    Bigged the part where I already said that.

    Though who you think there's something wrong with is irrelevant. No one is a rational actor and this is something that should, at some point during a relationship and definitely before marriage, be figured out.

    By something that needs to be worked out, do you mean "You're being completely unreasonable to the porn watching" or "We have different opinions on what is right and need to come to the conclusion on what's best for our relationship"? It seems the first one is the tune a lot of people here are going towards, probably from love of teh pron, whilst the second one is the more correct one which ElJeffe and a few others have highlighted.

    bowen on
    Ladies.
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