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Porn = Infidelity?
Marblehead Johnson
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Let's kick off my inaugural day here on the PA forums with a big one (although given that this forum is largely dudes, I think this may be a one-sided discussion.)
In the clearest possible terms:
Does porn equal infidelity?
Is it the same as cheating on your spouse?
Make me proud, guys.... and GO!
In the clearest possible terms:
Does porn equal infidelity?
Is it the same as cheating on your spouse?
Make me proud, guys.... and GO!
It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
Marblehead Johnson on
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It's not the same as cheating on your spouse. It may or may not be something that you shouldn't be doing, depending on your spouse's views on the matter. If your wife thinks porn is horrible and would feel betrayed if you were looking at it, then it's wrong for you to be looking at it.
Disgusting and offensive, perhaps, if your spouse considers it such, but infidelilty? What?
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Generally that kind of thing should be talked over early in a relationship.
That said, if someone (let's say a woman for convenience and general applicability, though I'm not saying a man couldn't be) is uncomfortable with her SO watching porn, the SO owes it to her to take that into account and discuss the issue with her until they can reach some sort of compromise.
Thinking about other women, or even imagining fucking them, are not cheating.
Those things might offend your wife/girlfriend, depending on the exact nature of your relationship, and her feelings on the matter...but they're never "cheating".
I told her that I thought that she was full of shit.
She said, "No, really, he has no need to do it now."
"Suuuure."
I have. Well, watched porn gives a bit of the wrong image. Massive internet porn addiction would be more apt.
My thoughts exactly.
For there to be 'cheating' there needs to be at least one other person involved. Can phone sex be considered cheating? Cybering? In my opinion yes, as there are at least 2 people involved in stimulating one another for sexual gratification. Pornography, however, is purely one sided. It's no more cheating than masturbating while fantasizing about a hot little store clerk you talked to, or a romp with the new office personnel. It's more akin to voyeurism, at least in my mind, which many might classify as 'wrong', but not 'cheating'.
If you are watching porn and well... taking care of business I would not see that as cheating at all.
Unless.. your spouse has already told you that they view porn as a horrible thing and/or considers looking at it cheating. and considers masturbation a form of cheating. (in that case they are very fucked up and you need to stay far..far away from them)
Or...
you are staring in the porn yourself and you know your spouse is not coll with you doing that kind of thing.
Some people (in my experience, women) view porn as a "gateway" activity. Apparently, porn leads to strip clubs, which inexorably leads to cheating.
Still, the points made here are mostly points I have thought about (and made). In my own personal view, it isn't cheating (especially since I'm not 'taking care of business', to use someone's apt terminology). In my wife's view, it is. Keep in mind, this is the same woman who played "what wierd porn can we find?" back when we were just dating (note: midget amputee porn won).
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
Those people, however, are only about as right as the ones who think smoking weed leads to shooting up heroin.
It's likely that men who cheat start with porn, but if someone said "Hey, don't watch that", odds are, they'll still become cheaters. People that're going to do fucked up things, are going to do them, and I think blaming the not-so-fucked-up things for their later actions is a mistake.
Hell, even going to strip clubs doesn't lead to cheating, at least in my experience.
I love a good strip club...but would I fuck a stripper? Hell no.
There's also the idea that allowing a partner to view porn provides a release, which in turn deters cheating because they are able to dabble in sexual fantasy without crossing the line. Sans porn, they might go out on their own to settle some of their cravings, which would obviously be considerably worse than just watching some freaky sex footage.
I've never understood this concept of porn "addiction".
Are there people out there passing up sex in order to watch porn?
I'll grant that I watch porn on a near-daily basis, to accompany "taking care of business" as it were, but certainly never in place of sex. Being married, and with kids, sex on a daily basis is far from a guarantee, and hell, even when I do get some, I often will still handle things on my own later in the evening, if only because it helps me get to sleep.
Luckily, this is totally a non-issue with my wife, but if it had been, I imagine our relationship wouldn't have gotten far in the first place.
It's an insecurity thing. Some (most) women are at least somewhat insecure in their appearance, just as men are insecure in their masculinity. For this reason, a woman ideally wants zero competition when it comes to a man she likes. This is the reason porn would be described as "cheating" because women are intimidated by each other and could see themselves having to compete with the porn stars, making them uncomfortable.
This is an issue that should be addressed and worked through in a relationship and a compromise decided upon. Personally, I don't see porn stars as "real" people anyway. I'm interested in the action, not the individual.
I worked at a porn rental shop and I saw what porn addiction was. There was one guy who would come in every single day and rent at least two tapes. There was another guy who came in near daily and rented 8 tapes. Actually there were two of those guys, the 8-tape-a-day guys. There were lots of customers coming in once or twice a week and getting 4-8 tapes. It was always the same customers, too. There really weren't that many customers who just rented a tape here and there.
I'm sure most men have known another man who got sucked in to strip clubs at some point in their life, going out every weekend, budgeting out weekly expenses and saving small bills so they can make a good night of it, etc.
It's not that different than like an MMORPG addiction, for example. It's only as harmful as the addict lets it become, but it can become really toxic. I mean, I think many people here would instantly recognize the problems in social relationships if a person can't get off the computer and leave their guild mates alone for the weekend or whatever. It's like that.
I don't really find porn-viewing to be unreasonable either, but in a marriage, it's customary to give a shit what your partner thinks. If she thinks porn is horrible, don't watch it. If she thinks eating Cheetos in your underwear while watching the Superbowl is disgusting, put on some pants. And so on.
yep. Or at least sex witht thier boring worn out wife.
I could insist that she stop knitting, and it would make about as much sense.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
BUT
I also think some things are just plain unreasonable and be labeled as such. As an example, if a guy thinks it's unacceptable for his wife to skip making his pancake breakfast on Sunday morning because she feels like doing something else, well, I think that guy can fucking shove it, no matter what interpersonal standards they had established. I know that's not directly comparable, but I still think if a partner gets upset over simply viewing porn, that's similarly unacceptable. I mean, we all know the cliche fight a couple has when a guy comments that he finds some Hollywood star attractive. I wish for this fight to never happen again, and I think it begins by stating the obvious -- it's simply not acceptable to attempt to put a leash on your partner's daydreams and fancies. Ever. That's the position I'm coming from.
Ah, also another thing. She gets pissed if I mention something along those lines... and she makes a huge deal about how she wishes she still smoked, so she could have a cigarette after watching Wentworth Miller in "Prison Break".
Ok, yes, this thread is about me, and mostly me and my wife have dealt with this issue. I'm not looking for more arguments I can use, or for people to be 'on my side'. I'm just trying to better understand this, since she won't talk to me in terms which make the slightest bit of sense.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
Thinking of your wife as "boring" and "worn out" seems like it would be a much bigger piece of the "why we're not having sex" issue than "You like porn too much".
I dunno though, because my wife occasionally enjoys porn, and is anything but boring, even if it is hard to find time for intimacy with so little free time on our hands.
I dunno, you'd be better served talking to women, honestly. I've met very few men who take issue with it, and a woman who does might be able to better explain to you why, without the personal bias your own wife would obviously have.
However, I have to advise discussing it with her more than anything else. A buddy of mine had this issue with his wife for a long time, but eventually she came around, and she's ok with it now.
The bachelor in me thinks he's just whipped, but perhaps there's a shred of truth buried in that little nugget.
I have talked to her about it, repeatedly, and nothing ever changes. She keeps explaining that 'It's her fault', and everything else under the sun to make me feel bad about something that used to make me feel good.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
As for why it's an issue with her, well -- I'd guess it's mountains of cultural baggage and psychological conditioning which really might not be as simple as just laying out a cogent argument and giving it to her. That's why if it's a serious issue in the relationship, counseling (for the two of you) might be a good idea.
People make this shit much harder than it should be. Most people assume that these agreements are universal, and for the most part they are (don't fuck somebody else) but they don't get that the grey areas (porn, having fantasies about celebrities) aren't universal. So most people sort of fumble around, until either they find somebody whose implicit expectations match their own, or they change their own expectations to match their partner.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Which is, you know, sort of NOT the reason I suggested it.
The fact is, I married her. I picked her, out of all the women out there, for many reasons, but mostly because mentally she was by a long shot the most stimulating female I've ever come accross. She's smart, she's opinionated, she's argumentative, she's funny, and all around awesome. I mention this for a few reasons:
1.) I didn't marry someone from the world of porn, I married her, and
2.) She never had a problem with porn at all until we got married.
3.) I thought she'd be smart and confident and capable enough to accept that the 30 minutes a week I spend looking at niche-porn women I'll never meet is possibly outweighed by the 50+ hours a week I spend working to support our family.
Didn't work. She hops on my computer, and rummages around in temp files until she finds proof, then gets mad at me.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
*completely dependent on just how much and what porn we're talking about here, but like picking up a Maxim at a magazine stand should always and forever be fair game.
2. How 'niche' are we talking about. Maybe she's just wierded out.
And why is it bad juju to assume that?
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.