the fact that you are asking a forum about this is probably the main reason youre in this predicament in the first place. if they said its cool then go for it. worrying too much and over intelectualizing a behavior that is based in instinct and lust is only going to make sure you 1) never get laid and 2) always wonder why it never happened.
just do it and deal with the consequences. thats what life is about. youll never have fun if you never take risks.
the fact that you are asking a forum about this is probably the main reason youre in this predicament in the first place.
That's not necessarily true, our H/A forum is a really great place to get some good advice, and a swift kick in the pants if you're being a douchebag and don't know it. This forum attracts all different types of people, and I've always found a satisfying answer when I've made a thread here.
I know. I'm not knocking the forum, it's just situations like these that are pretty much hindered by this vetting process. There are some things you just can't overthink and have to go with your gut. I used to be the kind of person in the OP (not exactly, but over intellectualizing shit) and when I finally said fuck it and just went with it I found myself to have fewer of these predicaments. Then again that's just my personal experience.
I'm hearing a lot of "sex should be" and want to say BS to that whole lot. It is what you make it. People have it lots of different ways for lots of different reasons, but in general it's to be enjoyed.
So OP, will you enjoy it? Go for it. Otherwise...well. Don't.
Also, the whole "the more people you have sex with, the less special it is when you have sex with someone you care about" this is, in my experience, a load of horsecrap. Other people may feel differently, but figure out how you feel before you get into a whole "I want to save my virginity for my truuuuuuue looooooove" thing.
Also; this.
"Virgin" is just another way of saying "inexperienced with intercourse". It has as much or as little value as you associate with it. A healthy physical relationship is a wonderful thing.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
I don't know you well enough to know what the larger problems are that you alluded to on page 3, OP, but I can assure you that a threeway is not going to solve them. Neither will turning down a threeway. So I wouldn't overthink the question too much--sex is not always a special romantic endeavor or a spiritual co-mingling of the souls. It's also not always an awesome experience you want to high-five someone over. Sometimes you go to sleep disappointed. Sometimes you wake up panicked when you realize oh shit that was so-and-so's sister!
Um, not speaking from experience or anything.
Anyway, a lot of people are insisting on attaching an emotional value to sex. Some people are saying you should reject that categorical characterization while simultaneously insisting that sex is always good. Ignore all of these categorical characterizations--the only persistent truth about sex is the mechanics involved in the process. So really all you can do is evaluate this specific situation and ask yourself "what is the likelihood that this will cause more harm than good (either to myself or to my relationships with others) and am I comfortable with that risk?" I think we've laid out the pros and cons for you, so you ought to be able to answer that one by now. Just make sure you have realistic expectations for the possible pros and the possible cons.
Threesomes are fun, but they're not as amazing as people who've never had one like to think they are.
Don't let the idea distract you. You're likely to be nervous enough your first time as it is- do you really want multiple people added onto that?
Are these people you would not normally want to have sex with? If the answer is no then don't proceed, they should get medals for wanting to get you over this hump (hehe) but I just have a feeling that your not interested at all then they might as well be prostitutes (figuratively).
If yes then at least take the open bi-ladies offer. Though if you can the other girl involved as well I wouldn't pass it up if I was you.
All this depends on one thing. You can care about them and their relationships and its up to them though to keep em. Meaning if its not okay its up to them to find out. But (always a but) if you have met and or talked to either SO or any offspring to have been generated from these couplings, and you were to go through with this then you are a dick.
How much depends on how screwed up the relationship gets. The Bi one if its just because this time its a guy I wouldn't worry about it. Even if guys are "off limits" I doubt it will cause to much friction considering its open (and he probably has had his share of other women both with and without her knowledge). The other one again not married, so how well do you know him. Would you consider him friends.
My vote. As volunteers, if you like these women go for it. But if you see the guys daily or are good friends with them don't do it. Also put the onus to not screw this up on them. Make sure they are okay with it by having them assure you that them doing this for you won't screw up your friendship on their end. You call them liars now can you.
OP, this one is tough. Part of me says they're serious, part of me says you're really, really, REALLY misunderstanding them, and the cynic in me says this isn't really happening. (You'll have to forgive my cynical side, he's been right waaaay too many times lately, and he's feeling sort of cocky.)
You have to be really, really careful, though. I'd stay away from Girl #2- "MIGHT be cool with it" does not equal "IS cool with it". But the first one...
If the offer is true, well... do you really want to? Have you even asked yourself the important questions about this? Like, is she clean? If she's in an open relationship, how many guys has she done?
I'm a firm believer in that "nothing beats experience" category, plus the amount of social pressure that a guy isn't really a man until he's had sex is almost overwhelming. But you also have to be careful with yourself. You don't want any funny bumps showing up, or to catch anything, or to end up with something you wish you didn't have.
After much deliberation... believe me, a LOT... I'd say if she's offering, and you feel okay with it, go for it. But remember to take precautions. Getting the first time out of the way is maybe what you need. The threesome, however, you don't need. That second girl is going to get you in deep shit. Take, but don't be greedy. And don't use that PUA stuff. Women aren't looking for PUAs, they're looking for normal people.
Of course, I am a soon to be 27-year-old-virgin myself, so you might want to take my advice with a grain or ten of salt.
Most of what I'm going to say is probably going to sound like the devil on your shoulder kind of advice, but this is the internet where we're free to say all the things we'd be too passive-aggressive to say in person (generally speaking) so here goes.
I'm in the same boat you're in. No relationships to speak of, no sex, no significant physical contact from the opposite sex at the ripe old age of 27. If you're feeling like I do about the whole sex situation, it's a problem that seems to have made itself worse with time. You don't want to make a big deal out of not having had it, but the longer you go without it, the bigger the problem seems because you still haven't. This causes you to somehow give off the vibe that it is a big deal, which causes you to screw stuff up and not get any. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm not saying that I think having sex is the sole purpose of life. However, I find that a little part of me wells up and wants to kick someone in the balls/ovaries every time they tell me "It's worth it to wait", or "I wish I hadn't lost mine", while they continue to screw like it's their last day on earth.
If I were in your situation, and that three way were actually a possibility, I would absolutely run with it and never look back. If they feel that it would be alright to go through with the ordeal and it turns out it isn't, then it's on them for making that bad relationship decision as long as you don't coerce them into doing it. I'd want to get that first one out of the way so I could stop being so hung up about not having sex and feeling like an oddball (because if you're like me, you absolutely do).
At the end of the day though, nobody but you will ever really look out for your best interests. If someone genuinely is, they're a saint and you won't be getting any from them anyhow. If you decide to do it, e-kudos to you from me. If not, just keep trucking and do what you have to do to get over what's keeping you down.
It's really really strange that two girls already in relationships are trying to help you out in this way. I was in the ops shoes for a while as far as not having had sex untill what most people consider later than normal. My experience is that any attached girls would throw their friends who were not in a relationship your way. That's sort of setting off alarm bells in my head as far as them taking advantage of your lack of experience to do something that would mostly rain all over your parade if it went bad with the SOs.
E.Coyote on
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
Sorry, your first sexual encounter should be something real and something (i.e., an experience) that you can take with you into the next one, be it with someone else or the same person.
Why?
Some people view sex as something special, hence the waiting, or advice on finding someone special first. Other's don't.
The only issue I have witht he OP's situation is the buttload of drama that can come out of this. If that can be worked out, there is absolutely no reason he shouldn't do this.
Look, don't get me wrong. I have had my fair share of one-night-stands (more those than boyfriends, if that helps puts my attitude into perspective). I'm NOT one of those people who thinks sex should only be an emotional thing, it can absolutely be a purely physical thing, too, and I am VERY GOOD at detaching myself emotionally when it comes to sex if need be.
But as a first sexual encounter that sets a precedent for later sexual encounters ON TOP OF the fact that he's a 27-year-old virgin who has a problem with being a virgin and has proposed THIS (i.e., a possible threesome with two attached women) as his solution?
I don't understand how people are just glossing over this; it is a sign of deep personal instability and a very high risk for future relationship problems, particularly in the area of sexual competence and gratification. Even without the possibility for drama, he's digging a pretty deep hole for himself in the personal development department.
That pretty much sums up the best reason AGAINST this. Going through with it just may not even address the real problems, and at the worst cause some new ones.
VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
edited December 2008
Well no it's just called reading between the lines. I don't see how my reasoning is, well, an unreasonable point of view to consider. You may not agree with it and that's fine, but in the end I just don't think enough people have mentioned it, is all. As it is, the OP's gonna do what he's gonna do, and so be it.
An important question is just how likely will the situation go down as the OP set it out? Sounds dicey that the other girl may be onboard, could just be the one. Or none at all! I think it'd be important that the OP (if he wants to go through with it) does the legwork and figures some of this out before we can give any helpful or educated advice.
UnknownSaint on
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited December 2008
Look, the only issue is, can he handle sex with no strings attached. They guy is 27, he views his virginity as a stumbling block and while yes this is a solution he is entering into no strings sex. The problem is that unless everyone enters no-strings sex with the intention of absolutely no strings attached drama is going to fucking ensue guaranteed.
He needs to look at himself long and hard and ask himself can he do this, the majority of people that have sex can. I would question if this guy can.
Also how will sex solve your problems of getting laid (or really getting a date) on a regular basis? I'm pretty sure, "The will you teach me to have sex" line wont actually work on everyone.
Sorry, your first sexual encounter should be something real and something (i.e., an experience) that you can take with you into the next one, be it with someone else or the same person.
Why?
Some people view sex as something special, hence the waiting, or advice on finding someone special first. Other's don't.
The only issue I have witht he OP's situation is the buttload of drama that can come out of this. If that can be worked out, there is absolutely no reason he shouldn't do this.
Look, don't get me wrong. I have had my fair share of one-night-stands (more those than boyfriends, if that helps puts my attitude into perspective). I'm NOT one of those people who thinks sex should only be an emotional thing, it can absolutely be a purely physical thing, too, and I am VERY GOOD at detaching myself emotionally when it comes to sex if need be.
But as a first sexual encounter that sets a precedent for later sexual encounters ON TOP OF the fact that he's a 27-year-old virgin who has a problem with being a virgin and has proposed THIS (i.e., a possible threesome with two attached women) as his solution?
I don't understand how people are just glossing over this; it is a sign of deep personal instability and a very high risk for future relationship problems, particularly in the area of sexual competence and gratification. Even without the possibility for drama, he's digging a pretty deep hole for himself in the personal development department.
I think no matter which way you go, it's easy to ascribe potential outcomes to any kind of sexual encounter for a 27 year old virgin. The fact of the matter is that the only way this decision can be really made is if you, OP, know yourself and how you will handle the situation.
It is easy for us to say that this is the worst possible situation for you to undertake in your psychological/emotional/whatever state, and even though that might be a logical conclusion doesn't make it true.
It could be just as disastrous for you to 'save yourself' for someone you feel strongly about. It wouldn't be the first time a de-virginizing relationship ends and the recently ex-virgined person is unable to let go and gets fucked up or whatever.
The point is that both of these are potential outcomes, you just have to be able to honestly judge yourself and figure out how you are most likely to react. We don't know you, and even if we did, we don't know you as well as you do.
Judging by your responses, I'd say that you're already approaching this the right way by not immediately jumping into it being all OH HELLLLLL YEAH (or immediately rejecting it for whatever reason).
If you could forsee the three-way situation easily resulting in issues for you or anyone else directly/indirectly involved, then don't do it. If you are confident in your ability to just go in there and do it, then just go in there and do it. It isn't as if nobody has ever messed themselves up by putting too large an emphasis on their first time. In fact, it probably happens just as much as people not putting enough emphasis on it. Just know yourself.
And yes, if you do decide to go through with it, make sure you get way more straightforward language from the girls about their SO's reactions. I think it's excessive for you to go talk to them yourselves, they are more than responsible enough for negotiating this themselves. However, you at least owe it to their relationship to make sure that the one you are talking to is being explicit in the terms.
Since this discussion is, apparently, still going on.
I think you shouldn't worry about it as much as you are.
The obvious choice, to me, is to ask your lady friend's boyfriend, the one who is in an open relationship, if it's ok with him. If the answer is yes, tell that girl that you'd like to explore some things. I think you'll quickly find that it isn't a big deal. That sex is not the part you should be worried about. It's an important part of being with someone, but it's not all there is, by any means, and the reason you haven't had it yet has nothing to do with how good you are in bed, potentially.
So...why not try this, with one of the women, and put your mind at ease.
I don't mean this to be any sort of "HIGH FIVE, GO HAVE A HOT THREEWAY FOR YOUR FIRST TIME, THAT'LL MAKE YOU A MAN" sort of thing. Not at all. I want you to learn that sex is not a big deal. Maybe afterwords you'll have a little more confidence.
This is assuming your reasons for not having been in a relationship before around certain fears that most men have to get through. If there is some other special psychological reason for your behavior, you should get help for that, first.
how will sex solve your problems of getting laid (or really getting a date) on a regular basis? I'm pretty sure, "The will you teach me to have sex" line wont actually work on everyone.
Whether or not you end up going through with your soirée, IMO this is a more crucial question to look into. Some other posts mentioned that your problem isn't the fact that you are sexually inexperienced, but more so why it is like this in the first place. I would think that your first step is finding a woman who wants to have sex with you because of your personality or what-have-you instead of by somebody feeling bad for the fact that you are inexperienced.
Then again, if its probable that the situation is the way it is because your inexperience inadvertently leads to a lack of confidence, which doesn't fare well in getting women, then everything I just said above is complete moot and you're back to square one surrounded by various moral dilemmas.
mechaThor on
"I sent an e-mail asking why wood elves get +2 Str when other dwarves did not. My response from customer service consisted of five words: 'Wood elves are really strong.' "
if I was 27 and had never been to another country, I wouldn't be happy.
if I was 27 and had never been camping, I would be pissed.
if I was 27 and had never driven a car, I would be pissed.
if I was 27 and had never danced with someone, I would feel like I was missing out.
if I was 27 and had never kissed someone, I would feel like I was missing out.
if I was 27 and had never had sex, I would certainly wonder why.
I'm guessing you've spent a hell of a lot of your life not doing things. I'm guessing it hasn't made you happy.
Just me, but I wouldn't be too impressed if my girlfriend had learned her swerve from two otherwise occupied dudes who were generous enough to team up and 'show her the ropes' together. If you're ever lucky enough to land yourself in a situation with a girl who genuinely admires and respects you, she's not going to give a shit if your libido has to cut its teeth with hers. I've been subjected to the prospect of sex with two girls before, and yes, I turned it the hell down, but, even so, I'm not in a position to make any sort of claim about whether the act itself is the right thing for you -- just that, even for a situation of its nature, this one seems extra silly.
The fact that the boyfriend probably wouldn't be cool with things is enough to torpedo the threesome in my book. I kind of think a lot of posters here are reacting as if the question is "what if I were offered a threesome?" rather than "what if I were offered sex and the possibility of a threesome was hinted at by two good friends of mine?"
As for working through your stuff with the girl in the open relationship, well, it's pretty much up to you. If you're sure you won't develop a complicated attachment, if it feels like the right thing (or an ok thing) on a gut level, then I would probably go for it.
Just me, but I wouldn't be too impressed if my girlfriend had learned her swerve from two otherwise occupied dudes who were generous enough to team up and 'show her the ropes' together.
Damn you're judgmental.
I continue to believe that all this shit about solving problems is silly. Sex is on the table, and sex is presumably something he wants. It doesn't need to solve his problems. It doesn't need to have University-level rigor of instruction; "we'll teach you" was flirtation, but even so he'll learn something (I know I did). He doesn't need to wait to make it something special; it's special with people who are special no matter what.
Just me, but I wouldn't be too impressed if my girlfriend had learned her swerve from two otherwise occupied dudes who were generous enough to team up and 'show her the ropes' together.
Damn you're judgmental.
I continue to believe that all this shit about solving problems is silly. Sex is on the table, and sex is presumably something he wants. It doesn't need to solve his problems. It doesn't need to have University-level rigor of instruction; "we'll teach you" was flirtation, but even so he'll learn something (I know I did). He doesn't need to wait to make it something special; it's special with people who are special no matter what.
But I don't think he wants to do it anymore.
I'm sorry if that offended you. I understand that my priorities are not necessarily anybody else's, and that the concept of an ideal sexual trajectory is completely ridiculous -- that living means carving your own idiosyncratic path, and that the whole thing is a learning process. I literally meant that I would not be impressed, an indicator that the two of us might not have a whole lot in common. Which is certainly subject to change by a bajillion other factors that play into the synergy between two people, but it would be a base-level, superficial reaction over which interpretation is my only control.
I personally think that taking up the one lady on her offer will help your mental state a great deal. You will get it over with and instead of the concept of your virginity eating away at your mind, you will be done with it and sort of say "oh, so that's it then? Now I get it" and I think that will give you a huge boost of positive momentum and confidence that could easily propel you in to a healthy, "normal" relationship.
But as has been stated, we don't need to read so much in to it. There's sex on the table with a sign that says "for the taking."
While limp moose is basically doing exactly what everyone else is applauding the OP for not doing, there is something to be said (as I previously addressed) for putting too much emphasis on the importance of sex, especially your first time.
Heaven forbid he think twice about getting involved with not one but two taken women.
He's not getting involved with anyone. He's potentially jumping into bed with a couple of women for an hour or two for some casual adult fun.
Sex can be casual adult fun, or it can be something meaningful and intimate- it can be both of these things to someone depending on who they're with. There's no reason anyone should be assigning more meaning to this sex, simply because they assign more meaning to their sex. There's no reason to judge anyone involved. I'm sorry, but no one is sabotaging their own engagement by lying about having an open relationship so they can have sex with a 27 year old virgin.
Do it. Wear a rubber. Have fun. Expect a lot of giggling.
Heaven forbid he think twice about getting involved with not one but two taken women.
He's not getting involved with anyone. He's potentially jumping into bed with a couple of women for an hour or two for some casual adult fun.
Women who are in relationships. That's the part of this everyone seems to be glossing over.
I defy you to find a woman who'd seriously endanger her relationship, let alone an engagement, to have sex with a virgin
So either she knows it's okay or this is all a lie
Heaven forbid he think twice about getting involved with not one but two taken women.
He's not getting involved with anyone. He's potentially jumping into bed with a couple of women for an hour or two for some casual adult fun.
Women who are in relationships. That's the part of this everyone seems to be glossing over.
I defy you to find a woman who'd seriously endanger her relationship, let alone an engagement, to have sex with a virgin
So either she knows it's okay or this is all a lie
I've been leaning toward the later -- a complete fabrication -- for the entire thread, but I digress.
You're loading your challenge unfairly. "I defy you to find a woman who'd seriously endanger her relationship, let alone an engagement, to have sex with someone else" would be a bit more reasonable, and according to the Atwood & Schwartz study, half of all married women cheat at some point. Your apparent premise of "nobody would compromise a relationship just for sex" is pretty dubious.
Your argument seems to be "she's less likely to do it because he's inexperienced and it'll be lousy sex", but you could just as easily argue "she's more likely to do it because he's inexperienced and she'll get the ego boost of breaking him in".
Now all of that aside, the OP was explicitly clear that the second girl's boyfriend would not approve of her fooling around, and limp moose is saying to go ahead and do it anyway. That's low.
EDIT: And I kind of suspect that the "DO IT" crowd on the last few pages hasn't actually read the whole thread. Or at least I hope so, I don't think I want to be a part of a community in which so many people think that it's cool that the OP is getting at least one of these girls to cheat for him.
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the fact that you are asking a forum about this is probably the main reason youre in this predicament in the first place. if they said its cool then go for it. worrying too much and over intelectualizing a behavior that is based in instinct and lust is only going to make sure you 1) never get laid and 2) always wonder why it never happened.
just do it and deal with the consequences. thats what life is about. youll never have fun if you never take risks.
That's not necessarily true, our H/A forum is a really great place to get some good advice, and a swift kick in the pants if you're being a douchebag and don't know it. This forum attracts all different types of people, and I've always found a satisfying answer when I've made a thread here.
So OP, will you enjoy it? Go for it. Otherwise...well. Don't.
That... that was beautiful.
Also; this.
"Virgin" is just another way of saying "inexperienced with intercourse". It has as much or as little value as you associate with it. A healthy physical relationship is a wonderful thing.
Um, not speaking from experience or anything.
Anyway, a lot of people are insisting on attaching an emotional value to sex. Some people are saying you should reject that categorical characterization while simultaneously insisting that sex is always good. Ignore all of these categorical characterizations--the only persistent truth about sex is the mechanics involved in the process. So really all you can do is evaluate this specific situation and ask yourself "what is the likelihood that this will cause more harm than good (either to myself or to my relationships with others) and am I comfortable with that risk?" I think we've laid out the pros and cons for you, so you ought to be able to answer that one by now. Just make sure you have realistic expectations for the possible pros and the possible cons.
Yeah, because the helpful and responsible solution should echo the response you would get from your average fratboy.
Think about how this is going to work/not work for you, and if it'll address whatever issues you seem to have with yourself, then go with it or don't.
Don't let the idea distract you. You're likely to be nervous enough your first time as it is- do you really want multiple people added onto that?
If yes then at least take the open bi-ladies offer. Though if you can the other girl involved as well I wouldn't pass it up if I was you.
All this depends on one thing. You can care about them and their relationships and its up to them though to keep em. Meaning if its not okay its up to them to find out. But (always a but) if you have met and or talked to either SO or any offspring to have been generated from these couplings, and you were to go through with this then you are a dick.
How much depends on how screwed up the relationship gets. The Bi one if its just because this time its a guy I wouldn't worry about it. Even if guys are "off limits" I doubt it will cause to much friction considering its open (and he probably has had his share of other women both with and without her knowledge). The other one again not married, so how well do you know him. Would you consider him friends.
My vote. As volunteers, if you like these women go for it. But if you see the guys daily or are good friends with them don't do it. Also put the onus to not screw this up on them. Make sure they are okay with it by having them assure you that them doing this for you won't screw up your friendship on their end. You call them liars now can you.
You have to be really, really careful, though. I'd stay away from Girl #2- "MIGHT be cool with it" does not equal "IS cool with it". But the first one...
If the offer is true, well... do you really want to? Have you even asked yourself the important questions about this? Like, is she clean? If she's in an open relationship, how many guys has she done?
I'm a firm believer in that "nothing beats experience" category, plus the amount of social pressure that a guy isn't really a man until he's had sex is almost overwhelming. But you also have to be careful with yourself. You don't want any funny bumps showing up, or to catch anything, or to end up with something you wish you didn't have.
After much deliberation... believe me, a LOT... I'd say if she's offering, and you feel okay with it, go for it. But remember to take precautions. Getting the first time out of the way is maybe what you need. The threesome, however, you don't need. That second girl is going to get you in deep shit. Take, but don't be greedy. And don't use that PUA stuff. Women aren't looking for PUAs, they're looking for normal people.
Of course, I am a soon to be 27-year-old-virgin myself, so you might want to take my advice with a grain or ten of salt.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
I'm in the same boat you're in. No relationships to speak of, no sex, no significant physical contact from the opposite sex at the ripe old age of 27. If you're feeling like I do about the whole sex situation, it's a problem that seems to have made itself worse with time. You don't want to make a big deal out of not having had it, but the longer you go without it, the bigger the problem seems because you still haven't. This causes you to somehow give off the vibe that it is a big deal, which causes you to screw stuff up and not get any. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm not saying that I think having sex is the sole purpose of life. However, I find that a little part of me wells up and wants to kick someone in the balls/ovaries every time they tell me "It's worth it to wait", or "I wish I hadn't lost mine", while they continue to screw like it's their last day on earth.
If I were in your situation, and that three way were actually a possibility, I would absolutely run with it and never look back. If they feel that it would be alright to go through with the ordeal and it turns out it isn't, then it's on them for making that bad relationship decision as long as you don't coerce them into doing it. I'd want to get that first one out of the way so I could stop being so hung up about not having sex and feeling like an oddball (because if you're like me, you absolutely do).
At the end of the day though, nobody but you will ever really look out for your best interests. If someone genuinely is, they're a saint and you won't be getting any from them anyhow. If you decide to do it, e-kudos to you from me. If not, just keep trucking and do what you have to do to get over what's keeping you down.
Look, don't get me wrong. I have had my fair share of one-night-stands (more those than boyfriends, if that helps puts my attitude into perspective). I'm NOT one of those people who thinks sex should only be an emotional thing, it can absolutely be a purely physical thing, too, and I am VERY GOOD at detaching myself emotionally when it comes to sex if need be.
But as a first sexual encounter that sets a precedent for later sexual encounters ON TOP OF the fact that he's a 27-year-old virgin who has a problem with being a virgin and has proposed THIS (i.e., a possible threesome with two attached women) as his solution?
I don't understand how people are just glossing over this; it is a sign of deep personal instability and a very high risk for future relationship problems, particularly in the area of sexual competence and gratification. Even without the possibility for drama, he's digging a pretty deep hole for himself in the personal development department.
He needs to look at himself long and hard and ask himself can he do this, the majority of people that have sex can. I would question if this guy can.
Also how will sex solve your problems of getting laid (or really getting a date) on a regular basis? I'm pretty sure, "The will you teach me to have sex" line wont actually work on everyone.
Satans..... hints.....
It is easy for us to say that this is the worst possible situation for you to undertake in your psychological/emotional/whatever state, and even though that might be a logical conclusion doesn't make it true.
It could be just as disastrous for you to 'save yourself' for someone you feel strongly about. It wouldn't be the first time a de-virginizing relationship ends and the recently ex-virgined person is unable to let go and gets fucked up or whatever.
The point is that both of these are potential outcomes, you just have to be able to honestly judge yourself and figure out how you are most likely to react. We don't know you, and even if we did, we don't know you as well as you do.
Judging by your responses, I'd say that you're already approaching this the right way by not immediately jumping into it being all OH HELLLLLL YEAH (or immediately rejecting it for whatever reason).
If you could forsee the three-way situation easily resulting in issues for you or anyone else directly/indirectly involved, then don't do it. If you are confident in your ability to just go in there and do it, then just go in there and do it. It isn't as if nobody has ever messed themselves up by putting too large an emphasis on their first time. In fact, it probably happens just as much as people not putting enough emphasis on it. Just know yourself.
And yes, if you do decide to go through with it, make sure you get way more straightforward language from the girls about their SO's reactions. I think it's excessive for you to go talk to them yourselves, they are more than responsible enough for negotiating this themselves. However, you at least owe it to their relationship to make sure that the one you are talking to is being explicit in the terms.
I think you shouldn't worry about it as much as you are.
The obvious choice, to me, is to ask your lady friend's boyfriend, the one who is in an open relationship, if it's ok with him. If the answer is yes, tell that girl that you'd like to explore some things. I think you'll quickly find that it isn't a big deal. That sex is not the part you should be worried about. It's an important part of being with someone, but it's not all there is, by any means, and the reason you haven't had it yet has nothing to do with how good you are in bed, potentially.
So...why not try this, with one of the women, and put your mind at ease.
I don't mean this to be any sort of "HIGH FIVE, GO HAVE A HOT THREEWAY FOR YOUR FIRST TIME, THAT'LL MAKE YOU A MAN" sort of thing. Not at all. I want you to learn that sex is not a big deal. Maybe afterwords you'll have a little more confidence.
This is assuming your reasons for not having been in a relationship before around certain fears that most men have to get through. If there is some other special psychological reason for your behavior, you should get help for that, first.
Secret Satan
Whether or not you end up going through with your soirée, IMO this is a more crucial question to look into. Some other posts mentioned that your problem isn't the fact that you are sexually inexperienced, but more so why it is like this in the first place. I would think that your first step is finding a woman who wants to have sex with you because of your personality or what-have-you instead of by somebody feeling bad for the fact that you are inexperienced.
Then again, if its probable that the situation is the way it is because your inexperience inadvertently leads to a lack of confidence, which doesn't fare well in getting women, then everything I just said above is complete moot and you're back to square one surrounded by various moral dilemmas.
if I was 27 and had never been camping, I would be pissed.
if I was 27 and had never driven a car, I would be pissed.
if I was 27 and had never danced with someone, I would feel like I was missing out.
if I was 27 and had never kissed someone, I would feel like I was missing out.
if I was 27 and had never had sex, I would certainly wonder why.
I'm guessing you've spent a hell of a lot of your life not doing things. I'm guessing it hasn't made you happy.
Why on earth would you continue?
https://medium.com/@alascii
As for working through your stuff with the girl in the open relationship, well, it's pretty much up to you. If you're sure you won't develop a complicated attachment, if it feels like the right thing (or an ok thing) on a gut level, then I would probably go for it.
Damn you're judgmental.
I continue to believe that all this shit about solving problems is silly. Sex is on the table, and sex is presumably something he wants. It doesn't need to solve his problems. It doesn't need to have University-level rigor of instruction; "we'll teach you" was flirtation, but even so he'll learn something (I know I did). He doesn't need to wait to make it something special; it's special with people who are special no matter what.
But I don't think he wants to do it anymore.
But as has been stated, we don't need to read so much in to it. There's sex on the table with a sign that says "for the taking."
Dude grab a rubber and start fucking.
Seriously. There are some funny threads on here but ones about should I have a threesome or not? You are blowing my mind.
YES
YES YOU SHOULD HAVE A THREE SOME.
Don't over think this one.
Heaven forbid he think twice about getting involved with not one but two taken women.
He's not getting involved with anyone. He's potentially jumping into bed with a couple of women for an hour or two for some casual adult fun.
Sex can be casual adult fun, or it can be something meaningful and intimate- it can be both of these things to someone depending on who they're with. There's no reason anyone should be assigning more meaning to this sex, simply because they assign more meaning to their sex. There's no reason to judge anyone involved. I'm sorry, but no one is sabotaging their own engagement by lying about having an open relationship so they can have sex with a 27 year old virgin.
Do it. Wear a rubber. Have fun. Expect a lot of giggling.
SOMEONE CALL THE LIME STORE.
I am placing a huge order.
Women who are in relationships. That's the part of this everyone seems to be glossing over.
So either she knows it's okay or this is all a lie
I've been leaning toward the later -- a complete fabrication -- for the entire thread, but I digress.
You're loading your challenge unfairly. "I defy you to find a woman who'd seriously endanger her relationship, let alone an engagement, to have sex with someone else" would be a bit more reasonable, and according to the Atwood & Schwartz study, half of all married women cheat at some point. Your apparent premise of "nobody would compromise a relationship just for sex" is pretty dubious.
Your argument seems to be "she's less likely to do it because he's inexperienced and it'll be lousy sex", but you could just as easily argue "she's more likely to do it because he's inexperienced and she'll get the ego boost of breaking him in".
Now all of that aside, the OP was explicitly clear that the second girl's boyfriend would not approve of her fooling around, and limp moose is saying to go ahead and do it anyway. That's low.
EDIT: And I kind of suspect that the "DO IT" crowd on the last few pages hasn't actually read the whole thread. Or at least I hope so, I don't think I want to be a part of a community in which so many people think that it's cool that the OP is getting at least one of these girls to cheat for him.