I won't deny it, there is a lot of resentment, but mostly it happens when I'm typing about it, and I can't help but sounding angry. I have tried to look at it from her perspective... she's insecure that I look at women with different bodies than her? Well, I've dated women with different bodies than her, so why doesn't she feel insecure because of that? She thinks I need porn to get off? I don't, and I've told her this, repeatedly. She thinks I'm cheating on her? She was the one who briefly joined a Singles group in our area, after we were married.
Yeah, I'm the breadwinner. When we got married she informed me she wasn't going to go back to work.
I'm blown away how she feels she has any right at all to complain.
And if you don't need porn to get off, then why are you looking at it? I don't watch porn unless my dick be out, so I guess I am confused by anyone who doesn't.
Preacher on
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
I'm confused why people like Furries, but I know that some people do. I can't "get off" unless there's some emotional attachment, IE, my wife. I can get aroused from the pictures (which I do appreciate on many levels, and most of the pictures are actually tastefully done, clothed, solo stuff), and I enjoy them on aesthetic and sexual levels, but I don't look at it, and then go need to whack off. I look at them, enjoy them... then go back to work, or do the dishes, or go for a drive, or have a Smirnoff, or play bass...
Well there may be a deeper problem here with her. I mean maybe something with her family? My brother and his wife had a similar problem. And come to think of it... your around his age. God I hope I am not related to you...
Preacher on
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
Yeah, I'm the breadwinner. When we got married she informed me she wasn't going to go back to work.
Wow... if there weren't alarm bells going off before, this one certainly sets them off. She "informed" you... when you got married? This wasn't something the two of you discussed beforehand and decided together? Because that's something that has a pretty big effect on both of your lives, and your life as a couple, it's not something either of you should be deciding alone in a healthy relationship.
She's been going through my temp files for something like five years now, I'm used to it. Warning bells tend to fade after that long...
That honestly astounds me.
I'm all for having open, honest relationships with people, but as a person you are entitled to a measure of personal privacy. Hunting through your temp files / cookies / cache looking for evidence, particularly over FIVE YEARS is inexcusable, in my personal opinion.
That's a level of insecurity that she needs to address, and its impact on your marriage isn't just showing, it's clearly causing damage.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Marblehead: your fetish is big breasts? And your wife has smallish breasts?
If I were her, I'd have issues about your porn watching too.
Perhaps the issues aren't entirely irrational, but is he doing anything morally wrong? If he were flaunting it in her face ("Hey look, I picked up Big Titted Bitches 9, I'll be in the den for two hours") I'd disapprove as well, but if he's just perusing a little on his down time now and then, I fail to see where it's her business.
If it's affecting her directly (he's not holding up his end of the bargain due to said watching activities) it'd be one thing, but we've been told that it isn't. If their sex life is otherwise fulfilling and the marriage is otherwise emotionally and financially sound, what does half an hour a day / week / whatever watching women with large breasts have sex matter in the grand scheme of things?
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Yeah, I'm the breadwinner. When we got married she informed me she wasn't going to go back to work.
Wow... if there weren't alarm bells going off before, this one certainly sets them off. She "informed" you... when you got married?
Ok, I was being snarky. We talked about it briefly, and the upshot was I had way more earning potential than her. Now when I bring it up, she gets a little testy and says she's NOT going to work, and I don't mind... her average income would actually NOT cover the child-care costs we would accrue while she wasn't watching the kids.
I do like privacy. Growing up, I never had ANY (I would get yelled at for having my bedroom door closed all the way, and I got grounded for taping one of the drawers on my desk shut). Leaving home, I had privacy for six months when I lived in a crappy apartment on my own. I have not had a shred of privacy since then.
Also, good for you. Thats two people who are offended. Many of the guys I have talked to have wives who differ from their sexual ideal, and the wives are cool with it. Do not assume you're in the majority.
If their sex life is otherwise fulfilling and the marriage is otherwise emotionally and financially sound, what does half an hour a day / week / whatever watching women with large breasts have sex matter in the grand scheme of things?
I don't even watch them have sex. Watching people actually having sex turns me off.
1) Decide that your wife's opinion on this is more important than your porn habit, and give it up. Maybe she thought it was fine before, and had a change of heart. People have been known to change their minds.
2) Decide that porn is more important than your wife, and dump her so that you can watch Pulp Friction in peace.
3) Tell your wife that you'll give it up, and then watch it behind her back.
4) Tell your wife that you'd be willing to give it up, but you wouldn't be happy, you'd rather come to a compromise of some sort, you feel that its unfair that the rules of the relationship changed in such an unexpected way so abruptly, find out why this bothers her so much, and address any other unvoiced expectations that may have recently arisen.
I was actually going on the assumption that 4) had already been tried and hadn't worked, and that at the end of the day his wife was just really distraught by the idea of her husband wanking it to other women.
It strikes me that if your SO is really that distraught about it, your sexual values are so completely out of sync that she's neither particularly S, nor likely to be your O for all that long.
Marblehead: your fetish is big breasts? And your wife has smallish breasts?
If I were her, I'd have issues about your porn watching too.
Perhaps the issues aren't entirely irrational, but is he doing anything morally wrong?
No. He's checking big tit porn. It's not like he's watching anal porn compulsively trying to get his wife to give him the brown ring.
Based on what's posted, the OP works hard to bring home the bacon and likes to check out some monster tits as part of his down time. What the hell is wrong with that?
I'm suprised the focus is still on "You look at titty porn" and not "Your wife joined a singles club while you were married."
She's really insecure. She might have problems with her self confidance. There are issues that need to be worked out together that likely will need to involve a professional that charges you by the hour.
The woman he chose to enter into a marriage with considers it a violation of that marriage. That's what's wrong. People draw lines in different places.
She's really insecure. She might have problems with her self confidance. There are issues that need to be worked out together that likely will need to involve a professional that charges you by the hour.
He also may not be as supportive and understanding of her insecurities as he could be. It's difficult to say, but I would say that insisting on looking at specifically big boob porn, while saying it is in part because your wife is "flat-chested," probably doesn't do anything positive for her self-confidence.
Either way, a professional counselor would be much more useful in examining these problems than any internet forum.
Why do you think you need to be defended? Why are you making this a me vs her situation? You brought this to us expecting us to say "Yeah man bitch be crazy," Life doesn't have clear winners and losers.
You want this to be black and white but it's grayer then a Seattle June.
Preacher on
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
She's really insecure. She might have problems with her self confidance. There are issues that need to be worked out together that likely will need to involve a professional that charges you by the hour.
He also may not be as supportive and understanding of her insecurities as he could be. It's difficult to say, but I would say that insisting on looking at specifically big boob porn, while saying it is in part because your wife is "flat-chested," probably doesn't do anything positive for her self-confidence.
Why do you think you need to be defended? Why are you making this a me vs her situation? You brought this to us expecting us to say "Yeah man bitch be crazy," Life doesn't have clear winners and losers.
You want this to be black and white but it's grayer then a Seattle June.
I know it's gray, I've been saying it's gray, and people keep insisting that I'm a douche, and that there is one side to this. There is very little more I can do to raise her self esteem and ease her insecurities than I have already done. I am not saying I need to be defended, but so far, people have almost only been defending her side of this. I didn't expect you to say "Bitch be crazy", but rather give me some things to think about. You have, and I appreciate it. When I explained my situation further, people have been making more and more personal attacks on me.
I've stated my case, and thanks for listening. Feel free to talk about other aspects of this now.
If their sex life is otherwise fulfilling and the marriage is otherwise emotionally and financially sound, what does half an hour a day / week / whatever watching women with large breasts have sex matter in the grand scheme of things?
I don't even watch them have sex. Watching people actually having sex turns me off.
... while I know that it quite clearly fits into the literal definition of "pornography", I'm having more and more trouble sympathizing with her hatred of this behaviour of yours. While we're clearly unlikely to get her opinion (wouldn't THAT be an interesting flame war), that'd rank pretty low on my list of things I could get worked up about.
"Honey, I like looking at pictures of naked midgets. It's my little kink, and I don't expect anything of you in regards to it. That's just my thing."
"They're not even having sex? You're not seeking out hot midget action while I'm at work?"
"No."
".... have fun with that."
Hell, most of us at one point or another have had a desktop that would've floored her if that's all it takes.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
I'm not really understanding the sentiment some are echoing here.
"He works hard to bring home the money; she should be grateful and tolerate whatever the fuck he wants to do."
Relationships should be about trust. This one, it seems, has some problems. That kind of attitude won't help him one fucking bit. Get your head out of the 50s and welcome to the real world.
She's really insecure. She might have problems with her self confidance. There are issues that need to be worked out together that likely will need to involve a professional that charges you by the hour.
He also may not be as supportive and understanding of her insecurities as he could be. It's difficult to say, but I would say that insisting on looking at specifically big boob porn, while saying it is in part because your wife is "flat-chested," probably doesn't do anything positive for her self-confidence.
Where the hell did THAT come from?!
After this, I'm really done counseling you -- you and your wife deserve professional help:
So far, the dessert argument was the only one I've heard that makes any sense, but it still misses the mark. She doesn't want me to quit eating meat, even though it disgusts her (she's a vegetarian), but she does want me to quit looking at women with bigger boobs (she's sort of flat)
The Green Eyed Monster on
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
edited January 2007
OP: you have kids, right? Is your wife staying home so she can take care of them?
OP: you have kids, right? Is your wife staying home so she can take care of them?
Yup, mentioned that.
I don't do it specifically because she's flat-chested, that's entirely incidental. If she had DD's, I'd still be doing it. She's taking offense ostensibly because she's flat-chested.
Also, I'm not in a sexist 50's mindset, I am just saying that I have sacrificed everything in my life that I enjoyed doing in order to take care of her, and our kids... I haven't had much time to write, or play bass, or see my friends, or even complete a single Stars! game, because I've been working every hour of every day to keep her happy. I'm not expecting gratitude (and I'm not getting it), I am just pointing out that so far, she's expunged everything from my life that I used to enjoy.
I have to say, if I had a 4 inch wanger, and my wife on the one hand said "I'm fine with your dick, honey" and then I found out that the only porn she likes and indulges in is specific giant cock porn, I'd probably be insecure no matter what she tells me.
I also suggest counselling. If this has been an issue for years, it seems unlikely that you're going to sway her, and the fact that it's been going on so long implies that you're not going to give it up, so a compromise is going to have to be reached. Helpful as we forumers may be, at the end of the day we're talking about a marriage that has produced children. You owe it to them and yourselves to take the matter seriously, and that involves speaking to someone trained to help if all else fails.
All else has, at least from what I've seen in the thread, failed.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
You've compromised and she's still unhappy, so if you want to hear "you're in the right", well from what you've stated, you are. Congrats, doesn't seem to change anything, sadly.
And fair enough, but regardless, there are children involved. If this matter is in any vague way surmountable, then it needs to be addressed and fast. If not, then it's time to start contacting lawyers. ... with the irreconsiliable difference in the marriage being big tit porn.
The latter point may be a bit extreme, but I'm not sure what else there is to say? Unnopposable force and the immovable object this isn't; something's going to give eventually, so may as well work it out one way or the unfortunate other.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
I consider her hypocrisy a violation of our marriage... why aren't you defending me?
I'm not defending anyone. Obviously pornography is a problem in your marriage. As is trust, and appraently hypocrisy, too, though I didn't catch that one yet.
She's your wife. The two of you are in a bond. She considers pornography cheating. Even if every single one of us told you she was a crazy fundie Puritan psycho, that would change absolutely nothing about your situation. You either have to convince her that porn isn't really cheating to the point where she is genuinely accepting of it, or you need to give it up. Or get divorced.
But like I said, she may have drawn her line in a place that video game forumers don't unanimously agree with, but there is still at least some logic and reason to the fact that she considers it cheating when you are involving other women in your sexual gratification against her will.
P.S., if this did go to a true public forum such as a court of law, I think the general idea would be that you are a cockwad for not giving up tit porn for your wife.
I've stated my case, and thanks for listening. Feel free to talk about other aspects of this now.
We were free to talk about it as soon as you posted, without your permission.
Uhm... wow, dude. That stick's really in there, isn't it?
Now that everyone's convinced that I'm an ungrateful asshole (that seems to happen wherever I go), I should let you know that the inspiration for this whole thing was that I had decided to give it all up. I know she'll figure it out when her file-rummaging is suddenly a lot less interesting. I'm deleting my accounts from everywhere I can think of, telling a lot of friends (including people I've known longer than I've known my wife) that I won't be online anymore (I'm erasing a Yahoo and MSN account here), and I'm starting pretty much every day by saying out loud (in the shower) a little mantra to help keep me on track.
So this means that there's now nothing original of me left.
I have to say, if I had a 4 inch wanger, and my wife on the one hand said "I'm fine with your dick, honey" and then I found out that the only porn she likes and indulges in is specific giant cock porn, I'd probably be insecure no matter what she tells me.
That's pretty much what I was angling towards.
Marblehead, do you think you could, say, kick just the huge titted porno? I would seriously feel insecure if I were her. She probably also wonders why you can't just quit it totally - she's not asking you to give up a hobby. Perhaps she doesn't understand how important wanking is to some men.
edit: You seem to want a male backslap session where we reaffirm you in the necessity of viewing porn - which you got a little at the start - then as soon as some other people voiced different opinions, you've gotton more defensive. No-one thinks you're an arsehole.
Marblehead, do you think you could, say, kick just the huge titted porno? I would seriously feel insecure if I were her. She probably also wonders why you can't just quit it totally - she's not asking you to give up a hobby. Perhaps she doesn't understand how important wanking is to some men.
Well, one, read the above post (you probably hit reply too fast, I'm not being snarky) for the answer to the first part of what you said. As for the second part, you still haven't read the part pages ago where I explained that I don't 'wank' to this stuff. Thirdly, I could ask her to quit malt vinegar. She uses it on a lot of food, and the smell absofuckinglutely REPULSES me. She could quit, and she'd resent me for not toughing it out, and she'd miss it, since she liked malt vinegar long before I came along.
Now that everyone's convinced that I'm an ungrateful asshole (that seems to happen wherever I go), I should let you know that the inspiration for this whole thing was that I had decided to give it all up. I know she'll figure it out when her file-rummaging is suddenly a lot less interesting. I'm deleting my accounts from everywhere I can think of, telling a lot of friends (including people I've known longer than I've known my wife) that I won't be online anymore (I'm erasing a Yahoo and MSN account here), and I'm starting pretty much every day by saying out loud (in the shower) a little mantra to help keep me on track.
So this means that there's now nothing original of me left.
Are you for realz?
We're talking about tit porn here.
Are we supposed to start crying about the little soul-death you've incurred by giving it up?
(And like I said, there is reason to her opinions on porn. It isn't a "quirk" like your distaste for malt vinegar.)
Marblehead, do you think you could, say, kick just the huge titted porno? I would seriously feel insecure if I were her. She probably also wonders why you can't just quit it totally - she's not asking you to give up a hobby. Perhaps she doesn't understand how important wanking is to some men.
Well, one, read the above post (you probably hit reply too fast, I'm not being snarky) for the answer to the first part of what you said. As for the second part, you still haven't read the part pages ago where I explained that I don't 'wank' to this stuff. Thirdly, I could ask her to quit malt vinegar. She uses it on a lot of food, and the smell absofuckinglutely REPULSES me. She could quit, and she'd resent me for not toughing it out, and she'd miss it, since she liked malt vinegar long before I came along.
Mm, missed your post. It's good you are giving it up. After this, you'll have to see if any other issues come up. If she stills talks about the porn - accuses you of secretly watching it, or uses your past use in an argument, whatever - then you've probably got a problem. Similarly if she picks up some other habit of yours and tries to quash it..
As for the vinegar.. it's all about value judgements, which are impossible to make for other people. Do you dislike vinegar as much as she dislikes porn? The question is just too floppy and emotional to answer properly.
Posts
I'm blown away how she feels she has any right at all to complain.
And if you don't need porn to get off, then why are you looking at it? I don't watch porn unless my dick be out, so I guess I am confused by anyone who doesn't.
pleasepaypreacher.net
I'm 26, she's 27.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
pleasepaypreacher.net
I'll second this question.
That honestly astounds me.
I'm all for having open, honest relationships with people, but as a person you are entitled to a measure of personal privacy. Hunting through your temp files / cookies / cache looking for evidence, particularly over FIVE YEARS is inexcusable, in my personal opinion.
That's a level of insecurity that she needs to address, and its impact on your marriage isn't just showing, it's clearly causing damage.
If I were her, I'd have issues about your porn watching too.
Perhaps the issues aren't entirely irrational, but is he doing anything morally wrong? If he were flaunting it in her face ("Hey look, I picked up Big Titted Bitches 9, I'll be in the den for two hours") I'd disapprove as well, but if he's just perusing a little on his down time now and then, I fail to see where it's her business.
If it's affecting her directly (he's not holding up his end of the bargain due to said watching activities) it'd be one thing, but we've been told that it isn't. If their sex life is otherwise fulfilling and the marriage is otherwise emotionally and financially sound, what does half an hour a day / week / whatever watching women with large breasts have sex matter in the grand scheme of things?
I do like privacy. Growing up, I never had ANY (I would get yelled at for having my bedroom door closed all the way, and I got grounded for taping one of the drawers on my desk shut). Leaving home, I had privacy for six months when I lived in a crappy apartment on my own. I have not had a shred of privacy since then.
Also, good for you. Thats two people who are offended. Many of the guys I have talked to have wives who differ from their sexual ideal, and the wives are cool with it. Do not assume you're in the majority.
I don't even watch them have sex. Watching people actually having sex turns me off.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
No. He's checking big tit porn. It's not like he's watching anal porn compulsively trying to get his wife to give him the brown ring.
Based on what's posted, the OP works hard to bring home the bacon and likes to check out some monster tits as part of his down time. What the hell is wrong with that?
I'm suprised the focus is still on "You look at titty porn" and not "Your wife joined a singles club while you were married."
She's really insecure. She might have problems with her self confidance. There are issues that need to be worked out together that likely will need to involve a professional that charges you by the hour.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
Either way, a professional counselor would be much more useful in examining these problems than any internet forum.
You want this to be black and white but it's grayer then a Seattle June.
pleasepaypreacher.net
I've stated my case, and thanks for listening. Feel free to talk about other aspects of this now.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
... while I know that it quite clearly fits into the literal definition of "pornography", I'm having more and more trouble sympathizing with her hatred of this behaviour of yours. While we're clearly unlikely to get her opinion (wouldn't THAT be an interesting flame war), that'd rank pretty low on my list of things I could get worked up about.
"Honey, I like looking at pictures of naked midgets. It's my little kink, and I don't expect anything of you in regards to it. That's just my thing."
"They're not even having sex? You're not seeking out hot midget action while I'm at work?"
"No."
".... have fun with that."
Hell, most of us at one point or another have had a desktop that would've floored her if that's all it takes.
wrong forum for that, mate.
I'm not really understanding the sentiment some are echoing here.
"He works hard to bring home the money; she should be grateful and tolerate whatever the fuck he wants to do."
Relationships should be about trust. This one, it seems, has some problems. That kind of attitude won't help him one fucking bit. Get your head out of the 50s and welcome to the real world.
What type of porn habit/viewing would you consider cheating in a normal healthy relationship? If any?
pleasepaypreacher.net
I don't do it specifically because she's flat-chested, that's entirely incidental. If she had DD's, I'd still be doing it. She's taking offense ostensibly because she's flat-chested.
Also, I'm not in a sexist 50's mindset, I am just saying that I have sacrificed everything in my life that I enjoyed doing in order to take care of her, and our kids... I haven't had much time to write, or play bass, or see my friends, or even complete a single Stars! game, because I've been working every hour of every day to keep her happy. I'm not expecting gratitude (and I'm not getting it), I am just pointing out that so far, she's expunged everything from my life that I used to enjoy.
EDIT: I meant to stop, I just had to clarify.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
uh... well I'd say if you promised your SO that you weren't going to do it, and knew they felt strongly about it, right about there.
All else has, at least from what I've seen in the thread, failed.
One, I have given up about 90% of it.
Two, it's children that produced a marriage.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
You've compromised and she's still unhappy, so if you want to hear "you're in the right", well from what you've stated, you are. Congrats, doesn't seem to change anything, sadly.
And fair enough, but regardless, there are children involved. If this matter is in any vague way surmountable, then it needs to be addressed and fast. If not, then it's time to start contacting lawyers. ... with the irreconsiliable difference in the marriage being big tit porn.
The latter point may be a bit extreme, but I'm not sure what else there is to say? Unnopposable force and the immovable object this isn't; something's going to give eventually, so may as well work it out one way or the unfortunate other.
She's your wife. The two of you are in a bond. She considers pornography cheating. Even if every single one of us told you she was a crazy fundie Puritan psycho, that would change absolutely nothing about your situation. You either have to convince her that porn isn't really cheating to the point where she is genuinely accepting of it, or you need to give it up. Or get divorced.
But like I said, she may have drawn her line in a place that video game forumers don't unanimously agree with, but there is still at least some logic and reason to the fact that she considers it cheating when you are involving other women in your sexual gratification against her will.
We were free to talk about it as soon as you posted, without your permission.
Shit dude that makes it even tougher to salvage.
P.S., if this did go to a true public forum such as a court of law, I think the general idea would be that you are a cockwad for not giving up tit porn for your wife.
Now that everyone's convinced that I'm an ungrateful asshole (that seems to happen wherever I go), I should let you know that the inspiration for this whole thing was that I had decided to give it all up. I know she'll figure it out when her file-rummaging is suddenly a lot less interesting. I'm deleting my accounts from everywhere I can think of, telling a lot of friends (including people I've known longer than I've known my wife) that I won't be online anymore (I'm erasing a Yahoo and MSN account here), and I'm starting pretty much every day by saying out loud (in the shower) a little mantra to help keep me on track.
So this means that there's now nothing original of me left.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
Marblehead, do you think you could, say, kick just the huge titted porno? I would seriously feel insecure if I were her. She probably also wonders why you can't just quit it totally - she's not asking you to give up a hobby. Perhaps she doesn't understand how important wanking is to some men.
edit: You seem to want a male backslap session where we reaffirm you in the necessity of viewing porn - which you got a little at the start - then as soon as some other people voiced different opinions, you've gotton more defensive. No-one thinks you're an arsehole.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
We're talking about tit porn here.
Are we supposed to start crying about the little soul-death you've incurred by giving it up?
(And like I said, there is reason to her opinions on porn. It isn't a "quirk" like your distaste for malt vinegar.)
Mm, missed your post. It's good you are giving it up. After this, you'll have to see if any other issues come up. If she stills talks about the porn - accuses you of secretly watching it, or uses your past use in an argument, whatever - then you've probably got a problem. Similarly if she picks up some other habit of yours and tries to quash it..
As for the vinegar.. it's all about value judgements, which are impossible to make for other people. Do you dislike vinegar as much as she dislikes porn? The question is just too floppy and emotional to answer properly.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
WTF are you talking about?