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Anger management--I need a crash course on it
yalborap
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, yet another Yalborap thread. Today we're focusing on something that's been bugging me as of late.
I have anger issues. I have these in the same variety that leads crazy people to shoot up schools and offices; I hold it all in, let it bubble up until it fills to the brim, then I explode when I can't hold it in any longer. Now, there is a significant chance this is one of those many things interlinked with my various issues.
We are not here to discuss those at length, however. We are here, purely, to focus on ways of letting anger out rationally and keeping stress levels down.
Here's what I've got so far:
-Violent videogames and the like. The main issue with this one is that if it's too easy I feel nothing, but if it's too hard it makes me even worse than when I started. Potential, but going to need a lot of fine-tuning. Or a god mode cheat. Either or.
-Hitting a pillow/punching my bed/etc. Works. Works very well. I REALLY don't like the relative lack of control it leaves me with, or the feeling I get in the actual act.
-Counting to 10, breathing deeply, etc. Does jack shit for me. Counted to at least 100 while thinking about this and writing the, still want to duct tape a weasel to a stick of dynamite on a model rocket and light the fuses.
-Going for a walk and the like. The main issue here is the simple fact that it is inherently linked to being able to go outside without issue. Potential in the afternoon, useless at 2 AM.
-Are there any healthy ways to express it in smaller doses? Would just speaking my mind bluntly and at the time and the like just make me a cock, or would it help?
That's all I can think of. Drugs are out, both pharmaceutical and otherwise. I've got nothing against them, but I do not like mind-altering substances, and I REALLY don't like tying not-freaking-the-fuck-out to their continued use.
Methods of getting endorphins without slamming too heavily against my social problems(working on that one step at a time, and this is one of those steps) help too, since keeping in a good mood in the first place is far better than defusing a timebomb of rage.
So, any ideas?
I have anger issues. I have these in the same variety that leads crazy people to shoot up schools and offices; I hold it all in, let it bubble up until it fills to the brim, then I explode when I can't hold it in any longer. Now, there is a significant chance this is one of those many things interlinked with my various issues.
We are not here to discuss those at length, however. We are here, purely, to focus on ways of letting anger out rationally and keeping stress levels down.
Here's what I've got so far:
-Violent videogames and the like. The main issue with this one is that if it's too easy I feel nothing, but if it's too hard it makes me even worse than when I started. Potential, but going to need a lot of fine-tuning. Or a god mode cheat. Either or.
-Hitting a pillow/punching my bed/etc. Works. Works very well. I REALLY don't like the relative lack of control it leaves me with, or the feeling I get in the actual act.
-Counting to 10, breathing deeply, etc. Does jack shit for me. Counted to at least 100 while thinking about this and writing the, still want to duct tape a weasel to a stick of dynamite on a model rocket and light the fuses.
-Going for a walk and the like. The main issue here is the simple fact that it is inherently linked to being able to go outside without issue. Potential in the afternoon, useless at 2 AM.
-Are there any healthy ways to express it in smaller doses? Would just speaking my mind bluntly and at the time and the like just make me a cock, or would it help?
That's all I can think of. Drugs are out, both pharmaceutical and otherwise. I've got nothing against them, but I do not like mind-altering substances, and I REALLY don't like tying not-freaking-the-fuck-out to their continued use.
Methods of getting endorphins without slamming too heavily against my social problems(working on that one step at a time, and this is one of those steps) help too, since keeping in a good mood in the first place is far better than defusing a timebomb of rage.
So, any ideas?
yalborap on
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As far as the various anger control methods go, how well they work varies from person to person so any advice you get here would just be something that might help "someone" but necessarily you.
What i can say is this stop punching your pillow, find something more substantial (like a punching bag) and hit that. it's all about the level of physical resistance, if it's a chore to punch then you will tire quickly and tired = not angry.
Also: Breath, always breath.
I don't like how I feel when taking out my anger by beating the crap out of stuff in general. It's what my dad does, and stuff like that is how various childhood items got broke'd.
I'll do it if I can't find anything else, but to be honest, I'd like to stay as far away from it as a solution as possible.
Unfortunately, such methods are currently out, as the financial crisis has left me unable to afford even the tiny fragments of cash still required when insurance covers it. A shrink is on the top of my list of things to look into properly when the money's there, but right now it just isn't there.
I didn't learn this by myself however and i doubt this would work for everyone. I'd highly recommend you find someone or something to help you because going at a problem like this alone would most likely end in frustration.
That's not to say that physical activity is a bad idea - stuff like weights and pilates doesn't seem to demand the same 'raaar' approach for me, so maybe try yoga or something. Sublimate that excess energy into something that's productive for you, rather than something that encourages further indulgence in aggression. Bear in mind that what clicks in that respect might not be what works for me - you may be the opposite, and find running more calming than lifting. Might take some experiments to figure out what actually calms you in the long term as opposed to just relieving an itch in the short term.
I 100% agree with this. If I'm angry I just express what I'm thinking then, if I'm still angry, I remove myself from the situation. Even if it just means leaving the room for 5-10 minutes.
I've never understood people who punch pillows, walls, etc. I guess it's fine if you're 11 but I think grown ups should express themselves in grown up ways. It really isn't that hard to do. As humans we're pretty simple creatures. If you remove yourself from the stimulus your body will just naturally start to calm itself down. You won't feel that way while you're in the situation but if you listen to your underlying logic you'll see the positive effects it has in the end.
And think how you should have dealt the situation in a better way?
Most of the time people get angry over silly things.
Lifting weights is similar, it drives you to focusing inwards onto things that don't have emotional factors involved, and spending a half hour concentrating as deeply as possible on form and physical feeling leaves you both mentally refreshed and exhausted and in a great mood. When I don't have any dishes to wash, I lift.
I think that's the real trick: understanding that anger isn't the most important thing, and being angry isn't how you wanna be. Find something useful or productive that you can really focus on and meditate through, and do that. Ideally something that forces you into meditation for long enough that when you come out the other end, anger isn't even on your list of priorities anymore.
But do me a favor and the next time you're completely pissed off, just stop yourself, take a few really slow, really deep breaths. Like the kind where you stretch your ribcage out. Then ask yourself if it's important that you remain angry. Just consider whether or not it's really all that vital to be pissed off and think about all of the stuff you could be doing that doesn't involve stewing about.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
This is definitely a contributing source of your problems. I know when I have financial difficulty it stresses me out to no end. It bothers me more than any other thing in this world.
How about working out? I don't know how big your city or town is, are there 24 hour gyms there? Working out is the best way to dissolve those feelings I find. You work out, you get tired, and you lose your will to be angry because you feel good after doing it.
If you're not someone who works out regularly, it will probably be tough to motivate yourself. I know I still have this problem myself, so I'm being hypocritical.
If you can't afford a psychologist, like a lot of people, especially now, then you need to do a few things. Find a family member to talk to. Someone who shares a lot of your views and will be sympathetic and helpful. If that's not feasible, find a friend.
If none of those work, and you are extremely money tight, I would at least suggest you research a good book to buy/take out. It'll be a stop gap at worst, and may serve to help you turn things around.
What I try and do is view my anger, depression and anxiety as a different part of me that exists in the subconscious. Like a child that didn't grow up. The child is one telling me to behave in these manners. So what I do is I tell that "child" to shut up. I will consciously tell myself that I will not listen to the child and I won't behave that way because it's, well, childish. You force yourself to think a different way.
It might seem silly, but it works for me. It doesn't ALWAYS work, because it's difficult for me to not immediately feel anger or anxiety at an undesirable situation. That's how I've reacted to things. That's how my parents reacted to things, so it's what I know.
What I'm trying to say is that turning your situation around starts with changing the way you think. That's a big step to take, and one that a lot of people don't even attempt. It's a hard step. The hardest one.
If you can change the way you think, you can change the way you act, and react.
Currently painting: Slowly [flickr]
The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.
You.
Need.
Counseling.
Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.
XBL: Torn Hoodie
@hoodiethirteen
Unless someone here is a licensed professional willing to be paid in the word 'hug' surrounded by a pair of asterisks, I'm completely shit out of luck at least until after Christmas break.
Any kind of contact sport would be good for this. Boxings really good to let out aggression and it helps you keep fit as well.
Really though, if your anger problems are so bad that you're breaking stuff then you should see someone about it once you can afford to.
PSN = Wicker86 ________ Gamertag = Wicker86
Tuesday, 7:44am - traffic really slow and I'm running late to work, 3 fists
Tuesday, 8:11am - boss bitched at me about being late, 5 fists
Tuesday, 10:37am - someone used the last coffee filter and didn't say anything, 2 fists
At the end of the day, or after a few days, take a look at your list and try to think of ways to react differently to the situation or to prevent the thing from occurring. So like:
1) Be sure to leave plenty of time to get to work, in case of bad traffic.
2) Find a radio station I like and listen to it while driving.
3) Get some books on CD and listen while driving.
4) Buy my own coffee filters for emergency use, keep them in desk at work.
Obviously, some things you can't prepare for and then you just have to deal with the anger. Do you find that you tend to get angry at people or events?
If you get angry at people a lot, and at certain people in particular, I recommend The Dance of Anger. It's intended for women, but can be helpful to people in general. Here is an excerpt.
Next time you feel angry about something, drop down and do as many push-ups as you can, until you can no longer lift yourself. You're too tired afterwards to be pissed at anything.
There is a free option you might find helpful for starters - Google 'MoodGYM'. Its a self-paced program that helps you spot particular emotional patterns and begin to manage them yourself. Its primarily directed at depression and anxiety, but these feed into anger, and anger is often a symptom of them too. Take some time out and give that a shot, see if it helps.
What's the worst consequence you've ever faced from this anger? When I'm about to knock a hole in a wall, I ask myself, "what if this was a baby instead of a nerveless, unfeeling cinderblock"
What are you angry about? By which I mean, do you get needlessly angry about small things (traffic, not being able to find your keys, etc) or is there a large issue in your life?
If you are walking around at a baseline unhappy level, and small things cook you over the edge, then you need to work on your general lifestyle and outlook so that every straw doesn't break your back.
I host a podcast about movies.
Started it, here're the results from its 'warpy thoughts' quiz:
If you have any suggestions of truly, utterly free options other than the school counselor(who I intend to go to after Christmas break finishes), I would genuinely love to hear them.
Where do you live?
Southern California, in a little resort-town.
EDIT: Okay, middle to high range on the anxiety test on the moodGYM thing, and 11 warped thoughts:
That's getting a bit more general, but it might prove useful.
Here is what I have been taught to do by my therapist (it’s hard, takes time and will be ongoing);
- write a plan what are your issues (past and present), what makes you mad/angry (silly little things and big things, people, situations, objects, games, everything and anything) Why do you want to change, and lastly how your going to start the process of changing. (This is for you to have and not for anyone else, although it can help you be clearer when you get to a therapist)
-Exclusion get rid of the things you can control (bad relationships, people taking you for granted, things that hold bad memories, things or people that hold you back, people that are not good for you, change your living arrangements if that’s the issue, take yourself away from fights or bad situations, etc)
- Seek Help get a therapist or councillor (often schools or places of work have free services or search your local area), also confide in at least one close trustworthy friend or relative. Support is key and don't choose someone who won't be there for you, you will need them to be your strength at times (partners are not good for this either.)
-Eat, Drink, Sleep and Exercise Well it may not seem important, but you need to do this to feel better. Food and sleep affect your moods and exercise is a healthy release of stress and emotion.
-Keep a Diary use it to vent your thoughts and feels and no one has the right to read it so password it and say what you like (I often write things I wish I could say or should have said or draw pictures or even scribble angry messages.)
- Repair (I’m not a fan of this point, as I had it backfire on me and left myself really really hurt!) but if you have done bad things, been angry at others, mistreated people or upset others find a way to apologise (verbally or written) or make things right (I feel this is situation based and bad people will just make you feel worse in my opinion and you have to have done some work on yourself before trying this because people may still be angry with you.) As I said this one is not my cup of tea!!!
-Set a Goal for the future something to reward yourself for when you feel in control of it all and better about being you and you control the anger.
I find chatting to people in similar situations handy as well, that’s why I love this site, I get to chat to intelligent people, trying to figure out what's it all about (this helps me too).
Good Luck and if you need more support PM me.
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
Here are a couple of my go-to methods: 1. Count from 1-10, but instead of just counting normally I count whatever items are laying around like The Count from Sesame Street, and I mean completely like him. If I'm at my house I'll usually go to the silverware drawer or my shot glasses and just start counting...ONE! One shot glass! AH AH AH!!! TWO! Two shot glasses....AH AH AH! Shaking like a muppet is not necessary, but like I said...the goofier the better. 2. Go to a mirror and just make stupid faces at myself. This one doesn't always work, but it does help to focus my attention away from whatever has set me off and on to something completely stupid. I'm sure you can come up with your own ridiculous mind games, but don't dismiss the method because it sounds dumb.
Like I said, stupid, but try it out when you get angry and see what happens. Good luck with your anger, it's a long road to get past the "rage," but you know it's worth it and a positive attitude about it will go far.
Call the police department, ask them where they refer people who are arrested for chronic anger outbursts. Although that may cost moneys, but I can't think of a more important thing to spend it on if you're about to go all VTech or something.
The point is just to get it out, accept how you feel about something, and either deal with it or move on.
It's the reason why some people keep diaries and why others keep blogs.
Occasionally, I'll do push-ups and crunches and by the time I'm done, I'm feeling too tired (or energized) to be angry anymore. I should add that this only postpones anger. Don't let it build up too much. You have to let it out somehow, so I really recommend writing down your issues, going over them, and arriving at the realization that things aren't as bad as your ego wants you to think.
It beats breaking your hand on a wall and nobody gets hurt. It's a good way to build your character.
Her main site at shambhala
my favorite and a great start, When Things Fall Apart
The places that scare you, another excellent one
I hope you find some peace of mind.
Meeting a really nice girl that I'm still with helped as well.
What's making you so pissed?
edit: it's funny to me now cause I never fixed the hole, and I put a tony hawk underground ad from a magazine over the hole that day. That gives you an estimate of when this happened I guess. My mom knows about it, step-dad still does not. Every time I go home I laugh about it a bit.
edit 2; this thread is full of some really good advice. Except for the writing things down thing, that never worked for me. I went outside to do it one day as per the recommendation of a teacher at school, and I ended up just whipping the notepad into the woods and staying pissed.
Well, if I really look at it, I can isolate several factors:
1, my family life. A wee bit dysfunctional. There's no beatings or anything, but yelling and loud arguing are pretty regular occurrences.
2, my self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. This is all in the toilet, and my own personal failures, particularly those where I couldn't convince myself to try, leave me frustrated.
3, internet peoples. Take just about any moment where I've been ruthlessly mocked, taunted, etc., I'm usually left fuming at my keyboard.
Those are the first ones that come to mind, though I'll see if I can think of more.
Surely there are better people for offering you advice. A complete change of my environment essentially solved my issues for me. That's not an option for everyone obviously.
At least I can say I kinda know how you feel. I'm sure there are others that do as well. I'm not trying to take away from the severity of your problems, so don't take it like that. I just know how shitty things can be.
Fights between family members tend to be cyclical or repetitive; they tend to be about the same types of things and they inevitably follow a pattern. Identifying that pattern is the first step to breaking out of it. You can't change other people and you can't change how they act, but you can change yourself and how you act. Remember that it takes two people to have an argument; if you refuse to participate, then the argument is essentially over. Once you've figured out the typical argument pattern, determine the best way for you to change your role. For example, if you tend to lash out verbally, try asking questions instead. Or say, "I'd prefer not to talk about that" and change the subject.
My pattern with my mom generally went like this: she would get angry about something going wrong, I would tell her to relax because it wasn't a big deal, she would get angrier because she thought I didn't care, I would get angry that she was getting angry over nothing, et cetera ad nauseum. Instead, I decided to try showing sympathy even if I thought she was overreacting, and this tended to calm her down more quickly. If she kept escalating anyway, I would try to change the subject. If that failed, I would tell her I had to go and hang up the phone or leave, or even just go to the bathroom for a few minutes until she calmed down.
You have to figure out what works best for you, because there is no one size fits all solution, but two things have to happen: you have to figure out what the pattern is, and break it.
Also, I second the moving out thing. That helped immensely. I had to work two and three jobs at a time while going to school, but it was worth it.
yal you are not the first poor dude to need some therapy. Discuss your finances up front with a few doctors and you might be able to find one that will work with you somehow. If you have no means whatsoever, I gotta say, getting some might help with your anger.
I host a podcast about movies.
So...Yeah. That probably isn't helping.
Freud's Level 4 Defense Mechanisms
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered the most mature, even though many have their origins in the immature level. However, these have been adapted through the years so as to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defences enhances user pleasure and feelings of mastery. These defences help the users to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts while still remaining effective. Persons who use these mechanisms are viewed as having virtues.
These include:
Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction
Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort
Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to call a spade a spade, while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Category 3). Wit refers to the serious or distressing in a humorous way, rather than disarming it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are 'skirted round' by the witticism.
Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior
Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person
Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion
Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; able to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions and accept them
I personally would suggest sublimation, which is going to be similar to video games. Get a good hobby (I like building models) and channel the energy from your anger into that hobby. If you want to try video games, find one like Harvest Moon where there's no winning or losing, so you can't make yourself more angry. Humor also works well, if you're the type of person that can laugh at your own situation.