So... while almost every thread on this here board is a "let's play" or a discussion of
current game rules... this is not that kind of thread. You guys and your current editions that are actually playable. Sheez.
Recently there's been a great deal of giddy excitement and/or bowel-clutching consternation over the the "Player's Handbook Deux" coming out later this year. It reminded me a bit of when I first started playing DnD back in the late 80's... and one somewhat infamous book in particular:
This dude's mind was blown by reading TSR's Unearthed Arcana
If you're fond of nostalgia, you can find this book at Paizo as a pdf for a few bucks, or you might even find one on eBay. Some of you may be men like me, who are getting too old to hang out in bars and find themselves occasionally finding books like these on the weekend. And if you are, and
if you have this book, join in so that these damn kids can know how good they have it these days.
I pulled this baby off the shelf last week and realized how unrecognizable AD&D might be to some people who have become accustomed to the balanced and easy to play 3.x and 4th edition. My own brain has adjusted enough to where certain pages I just go
how the fuck did I ever figure this out as a kid. Well, the beautiful part is that I probably wasn't playing the game as intended back then anyway, but I was having fun, so it didn't matter!
But man oh man... was this big news back in the day!
New races! Barbarians! Druids!
Polearms! My goodness, it was thrilling.
Because I was a dorky stripling who had my face buried in a Conan book, I was most excited about getting to play a Barbarian. And who wouldn't be?
So let's turn it to page 18, the first page I probably turned to when I got my hands on this book. Ooh, look at that scary character on the facing page... not exactly what I had in mind... but
let's read.
The Barbarian
The barbarian wasn't actually it's own class... it was a
sub-class of the fighter. You had to have rolled good strength, constitution, dexterity
and wisdom just to qualify for it! And if you did, you lucky dog! You could be a barbarian and get all of this...
- As a barbarian, you got a bonus to armor class for having points of dexterity over 14, so long as your armor wasn't "of the fairly bulky or bulky type". You also got more hit points for per point of constitution over 14! And who could forget that big fat 12-sided hit die. Only the d20 was bigger! Look at that 12-sider, wizard... yeah... the enemy could kill three of you before they took me down. (They were technically called "magic-users" back then, maybe it was more politically correct or something, but I just like saying the word "wizard".)
- That nice fighter combat table... mmm... yep, you got to use that since you were technically a fighter. Your weapon and armor choices were a bit limited, but being a goddamn barbarian was more than enough reward.
- Magic? You hated magic (and anyone who used it... wizard) if you were a barbarian. Hating magic was "your thing". So much that "at low levels of experience, refuse to employ any sort of magic item if they recognize it as such. They will often seek to destroy mageic items, and if successful they recieve an experience-point reward as if they possessed the destroyed items." Whoah! Break shit, flip off the wizard and get xp for it? Hell, you had to be second level before you could freely associate with clerics... before that it's all "fuck you and your healing, you churchy bastard". Wizards? Well you could tolerate them if necessary at 6th level... but man, those guys were on thin ice. Fucking wizards and their "magic-using".
- Summon a Goddamn Barbarian Horde. Oh yeah. At 8th level, if you were in your native territory you could call in some of your buddies, as they were outlined as "Men" in the Monster Manual. At 8th level you could summon over 200 of these motherfuckers to kick ass and rampage for a number of weeks equal to your experience level. It took a week to get the gang together... but man, what a week. "Oh hey, that's a nice College of Magic you have here in Arcana City. I'll be back in a week to visit, kay?"
- Primary abilities such as: Climbing Cliffs and Trees and Hiding in Natural Surroundings. That's right thief, you're not the only one who can climb and hide in shit anymore. Oh, and by the way, you goddamn thieves, think twice before backstabbing me, because one of my other abilities is to be able to tell that you're trying to do that.
- Secondary abilities that (so long as you were familiar with your surroundings) allowed you to Survive in the wild, administer First Aid, Track stuff like Rangers (that other fighter sub-class that wasn't as cool as Barbarian) and do other outdoorsy stuff like predict the weather and detect plants and animals kinda like Druids (a Cleric Sub-Class).
- Tertiary skills that you might have depending upon where your barbarian is from. Things like Horsemanship, Running really fast for a long time, Snare building, or imitating the sound of animals.
There's a few helpful paragraphs on page 20 that give suggestions as to how you and your DM can customize your Barbarian to the World of Greyhawk Campaign Setting, or even
your very own setting! Glee!
Man, being a barbarian was pretty great. So far it looks like the 4th Edition PHB 2 version will be pretty great too, and I'm excited about it. I may even get to play a 4e Barbarian at some point, but...
...if he ever runs across my old character with 300 of his best savage howling cohorts... well Mr. Primal Striker Guy is fucked.
Posts
And where weight wasn't measured in pounds, it was measured in gold pieces!
"Go up, thou bald head." -2 Kings 2:23
Comeliness
Alright let's roll some Comeliness for my new Barbarian... 3d6=16 Holy shit! What a handsome fella!
Okay, according to my chart, my Barbarian is in the range of comeliness that elicits the following response:
"Interest in viewing the individual is evidenced by those in contact, as he or she is good-looking. The reaction adjustment is increased by a percentage equal to the comliness score of the character. Individuals of the opposite sex will seek out such characters, and they will be affected as if under a fascinate spell unless wisdom of such individuals exceeds 50% of the characters comeliness total."
Don't hate the player folks... hate the game.
Anyway... your troubles are over, That Guy! Turn to page 32 and check out the awesome stuff that your Cleric can now do, which will keep the other nerds off your back (ha, as if)...
Sexy New Cleric Spells
Much better. With new second level spells you now can cast Withdraw (like your dad should have... okay, sorry That Guy, it was a cheap shot at best) which lets you alter time so that you can go off and... well, apparently not do anything very interesting. Hm... that's not so good. Well, or you could Detect Life? Like... it lets you know if somebody is alive. Which I guess you could also do by taking their pulse, or maybe asking them. Dang, that sucks too. Oh! You could cast Enthrall... but judging by the description, it looks like a great deal of the time whoever you try cast it upon is going to either attack you or make fun of you. I thought we were playing AD&D for a break from real life? Man, fuck second level. Second level is for chumps. We're going higher, That Guy.
With the new third level spells you can cast Water Walk. Yeah, check that out, smug fighter guy. Who's walking on... oh, there was a boat over there. That looks kind of relaxing, actually. But... yeah, how about Flame Walk! They won't be laughing when you're the only one who gets across that river of lava! But I guess you won't either what with there probably being monsters over there... hmm. Oh! Or you could Meld Into Stone! Not sure exactly why you'd want to do that, but it's the principle of the thing. You could.
Fourth level spells allow you to do things like summon a Giant Insect. That could be really annoying for... like... like a giant trying to have lunch? And with Spike Growth you can make the plants in an area dangerous and any who would dare walk over them might take minor damage... that's right, That Guy: you may now inflict minor damage with some plants. Or you could Imbue one of the other guys in the party with the ability to use one of your spells that has an informational or defensive nature. I guess... well, I guess you could make the fighter cast Enthrall and see how much he likes getting heckled. That'll show him.
Things are really looking up with Fifth Level Spells, man! You can make a Golem... your very own golem! All you have to do is cobble together a roughly man-shaped figure from certain materials and then cast it! You can make a golem out of straw, or rope... or leather... or... wood. Dang. I hate to break it to you, That Guy, but your Golems are kind of gay. You could cast Rainbow, though. I know what you're thinking, That Guy, but stick with me. Like, if you see a rainbow, and you cast this spell, you can make a bridge out of the rainbow, or an elevator out of the rainbow... or make a special magic bow out of the rainbow... or a multicolored vessel that has seven measures of magic water... dangit. Okay, so things aren't really that great at fifth level.
I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
Alright, the penultimate level 7 spells. This has got to be the good shit. Alright... Exaction. With this spell, you can command a powerful extraplanar creature to do your bidding. But apparently you've got to reward said extraplanar creature or it will demand that you do its bidding. or it rips you a new asshole... or both, depending upon the bidding. Okay, so basically you've got a spell that makes you a quest NPC. It could be worse! The next 7th level spell is called... Succor. Damn. I'm sorry to say it, That Guy... but that's pretty much what you are for deciding to roll Cleric.
The only other good news I have for you is that you can play a Dark Elf Lady Cleric without having your class level limited by your wisdom score. I guess you could tell the other guys that's why you went with one because a Dark Elf who was a dude would never rise above 9th level (according to page 8)... but they're probably still going to make fun of you.
We wish you better luck in 2nd edition, That Guy.
IOS Game Center ID: Isotope-X
Heh, I'd totally forgotten about racial level limitations. For a roleplaying game, it'd be hard to think of a rule that more nakedly pits roleplayers against min/maxers.
"And so, Lady Sillywhispers the Meek, favored gnomish cleric of Hyperia, made ready to set forth 'pon her epic journey..."
"Hey, dude, you know you can only get to level 7 with that character, right?"
"...? Alright, fuck it, I'm a human."
APPENDIX T: THE NOMENCLATURE OF POLE ARMS
Wow! Now when you turn back to the weapons table on page 27, you can bash yourself in the face even harder trying to make sense of speed factor, armor class adjustments, and whether or not it does extra damage to large creatures, or charging creatures, or both, or if they can force a dismount, or any number of situations that will lead to a gaming story that will cause people to literally flee your presence when you tell it years later.
Where the hell is my Bohemian Earspoon?
If memory seves the answer to this question is "In the 2nd Ed. PHB".
"Go up, thou bald head." -2 Kings 2:23
Actually Del is correct if you would just turn to page 124...
and the goddamn Encyclopeia Brittanica, Eleventh Edition (New York 1910)
don't you dare defy the encyclopedia brittanica!
The DMG is about 200 pages of 10pt font double columns, and I swear is written in some kind of stream of consciousness. I still don't know where the book actually begins, it just rambles about chances for catching diseases in the wild, plops down a chart for random tradeskills and professions, and then has a very frank aside about the implications of monster PCs and why you should stick with the human-like races.
And this was an improvement over the original boxed set, whose rules assumed you owned not only a copy of Chainmail the tabletop wargame, but another book which TSR didn't even publish.
Gygax absolutely loved that shit. It wasn't a Gygax dungeon unless there was a treasure chest monster on top of a floor monster behind a door monster.
I think the only reason I ever managed to play it was that I was a kid and I didn't care about the rules.
I'm quite thankful for how much the game improved in third and fourth edition.
Hahaha.
There's one guy in my group who I used to play with in 2nd edition times.
I should set a room up like that in a dungeon where like every object is a monster of some kind.
He would think that is hilarious.
Include all these in an encounter and every game you run will slow to a crawl.
"What do I see?"
"A pile of gold coins."
"I want to make sure they aren't monsters." *Perception check roll*
"They're ordinary gold pieces."
"I'm gonna touch them with my 11-foot pole to be on the safe side. Let me put some Alchemist's Fire on the end of it first."
"It's fine, they're not monsters. Just gold coins."
"I'm rolling an Insight check." *Insight check roll*
Part 1: Celebrating 30 Years of Very Stupid Monsters
Part 2: Return to Moronic Monster Creek
Duckbunnies. Monkey Bees.
Glorious.
Choose Your Own Chat 1 Choose Your Own Chat 2 Choose Your Own Chat 3
You say that like it's not completely awesome.
I admire the older game, before everything became about plot and story and character. It's a damn game about plundering dungeons. That part of it is a hell of a lot more fun than listening to nerds go on about their characters backstory and talking in funny voices.
What? 3rd and 4th get slammed by the "serious roleplaying" crowd for being simplistic dungeon crawlers all the time. Which is the thing I actually like about Dungeons and Dragons... it's a simple game that knows what it is.
4th edition seems like a huge return to this for me... the default setting (as well as the reboot of FR) are mostly along the lines of: civilization is dwarfed in the wilderness, and you're surrounded by scary monsters and all manner of things trying to kill you in the world and the planes beyond... good luck with that!
Compared to the nice clean games we have in 3rd and 4th editions... D&D and AD&D seem nearly unplayable by comparison. It was pretty hard to just pick up the box and play... in some ways it was easier to skim the rulebook (or read it and barely understand it) then just throw some dice and not worry about it. Luckily I was young and I didn't have to deal with rules-lawyering because I was in 6th grade and none of us really gave a shit that we didn't really know what the rules were.
Except my friend Chris' older brother, but we ignored him because he was an antisocial wierdo... even compared to the pencil-necked bookworm geeks that we were back then.
I've only played 3.5 and 4E, but from what I've read this how the complaints usually break-down:
3rd - "Why are their rules for everything? I'm the DM; why can't I just say what the players can and can't do without having to refer to the rules every couple of minutes? Why aren't their full-page write-ups detailing the history and features of every single magic item? Also, who the hell got story in my DnD?"
4th - "Everything's different! Succubi aren't devils! Where are the rules for making chairs? Why can't my wizard get killed in one-hit anymore? Also, where the hell did the RP in RPG go?"
Defense of any charge unto death
Courage and enterprise in obediences to rule
Respect for all peers and equals
Honor to all above your station
Obedience and respect from all beneath your station
Scorn for those who are lowly and ignoble
Military prowess exercised in service to your lord
Courtesy to all ladies
War is the flowering of chivalry
Battle is the test of manhood
Combat is glory
Personal glory above all in battle
Death to all who oppose the cause
Death before dishonor
The Cavalier
This is the picture from page 14 of Unearthed Arcana... it is the image of the man who will ruin everything.
When you are a Cavalier, that little piece at the top up there is what you are all about. This is your "code", which can be adjusted by your DM to fit his or her own campaign. "Her" campaign... as if. Anyway, the DM may reduce or eliminate experience if you violate the spirit or the letter of the code. Frikkin' amazing, eh? Oh and if you screw up bad enough he can kick your ass into the stupid fighter class. So don't fuck it up.
Also, being a cavalier includes these awesome features...
Being a Cavalier is almost as awesome as this
illustration, which is also NOT in the book.
Also... because of your code and desire for battle, you cannot be controlled in battle situations! Basically you get to go on auto-pilot and watch the other player's plans fall apart as you charge into battle all shiny and noble. There's even an order of preference so you don't have to think about it! In order of priority:
- Powerful monsters serving enemy leaders, then the leaders themselves.
- Opponent cavaliers of great renown, enemy flags and standards (take that you stupid flags!)
- Opponent cavalry of noble or elite status
- Other opponent cavalry
- Opponent elite footmen
- Opponent camp and headquarters
- Opponent melee troops
- Levies or peasants
You must charge your opponents in order of priority at full speed, regardless of army cohesion, intervening friendly troops, or other such considerations.Hey, I resent and resemble that remark.
Maybe some day you might even be awesome enough to play in my campaign. By which I mean, be in the same town as me when I run it. :P
This is awesome, keep it up. I'm getting inspired.
Zithra Melitch in Star Wars: An Empire's End
Jellica in In the Shadow of Zeus
I just added to my old Monster Manual [Let's Read].
I'm going to see this one through if I can.
So let's turn it to page 18, the first page I probably turned to when I got my hands on this book. Ooh, look at that scary character on the facing page... not exactly what I had in mind... but let's read.
The Barbarian
note the inscrutable facial expression. contemplate it.
The barbarian wasn't actually it's own class... it was a sub-class of the fighter. You had to have rolled good strength, constitution, dexterity and wisdom just to qualify for it! And if you did, you lucky dog! You could be a barbarian and get all of this...
- As a barbarian, you got a bonus to armor class for having points of dexterity over 14, so long as your armor wasn't "of the fairly bulky or bulky type". You also got more hit points for per point of constitution over 14! And who could forget that big fat 12-sided hit die. Only the d20 was bigger! Look at that 12-sider, wizard... yeah... the enemy could kill three of you before they took me down. (They were technically called "magic-users" back then, maybe it was more politically correct or something, but I just like saying the word "wizard".)
- That nice fighter combat table... mmm... yep, you got to use that since you were technically a fighter. Your weapon and armor choices were a bit limited, but being a goddamn barbarian was more than enough reward.
- Magic? You hated magic (and anyone who used it... wizard) if you were a barbarian. Hating magic was "your thing". So much that "at low levels of experience, refuse to employ any sort of magic item if they recognize it as such. They will often seek to destroy mageic items, and if successful they recieve an experience-point reward as if they possessed the destroyed items." Whoah! Break shit, flip off the wizard and get xp for it? Hell, you had to be second level before you could freely associate with clerics... before that it's all "fuck you and your healing, you churchy bastard". Wizards? Well you could tolerate them if necessary at 6th level... but man, those guys were on thin ice. Fucking wizards and their "magic-using".
- Summon a Goddamn Barbarian Horde. Oh yeah. At 8th level, if you were in your native territory you could call in some of your buddies, as they were outlined as "Men" in the Monster Manual. At 8th level you could summon over 200 of these motherfuckers to kick ass and rampage for a number of weeks equal to your experience level. It took a week to get the gang together... but man, what a week. "Oh hey, that's a nice College of Magic you have here in Arcana City. I'll be back in a week to visit, kay?"
- Primary abilities such as: Climbing Cliffs and Trees and Hiding in Natural Surroundings. That's right thief, you're not the only one who can climb and hide in shit anymore. Oh, and by the way, you goddamn thieves, think twice before backstabbing me, because one of my other abilities is to be able to tell that you're trying to do that.
- Secondary abilities that (so long as you were familiar with your surroundings) allowed you to Survive in the wild, administer First Aid, Track stuff like Rangers (that other fighter sub-class that wasn't as cool as Barbarian) and do other outdoorsy stuff like predict the weather and detect plants and animals kinda like Druids (a Cleric Sub-Class).
- Tertiary skills that you might have depending upon where your barbarian is from. Things like Horsemanship, Running really fast for a long time, Snare building, or imitating the sound of animals.
There's a few helpful paragraphs on page 20 that give suggestions as to how you and your DM can customize your Barbarian to the World of Greyhawk Campaign Setting, or even your very own setting! Glee!Did I mention illiteracy? I might not have.
Oh, alignment languages. I'd almost forgotten about them and I can't say I miss them ever so much. At least you don't have to deal with that bullcrap as a barbarian. And yeah, learning how to read and write. Pffft. Get real, DM... I got people to kill and places to raze.
In case you didn't catch that first sentance: You WILL be human. No other race was able to roll barbarian. Because humans are clearly more capable of barbarism than any other race. If you don't believe me, it's spelled out in (somewhat) plain text on page 7:
Man, being human is pretty great. And being a barbarian was pretty great! The 4th Edition PHB 2 version is indisputably great as well, though I have yet to play one. However...
...if he ever runs across my old character with 300 of his best savage howling cohorts... well Mr. Primal Striker Guy is fucked.
more to follow