Ugh... this whole thing is really bothering me. I've been able to get a hold of her once since this happened. She was suppose to call me today to talk about seeing Watchmen thursday, but she didn't. So around 11 I tried calling her, and no answer.
I know I may be being stupid, but I'm really worried that the whole thing scared her off. I really don't know if I could take it if that's the case. My troubles in bed really hit the old self confidence button for me.
I guess I should know what's coming... I need to relax and see what happens. And stop being such a pessimistic guy.
Limed for great wisdom. Listen to this guy, OP, he knows what he's talking about.
It's true. DoR knows what the right answer is, he just needs a little encouragement to remember it.
Feral on
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
Many will disagree with this, but sometimes to just relax will not help you. If there is an underline cause for your problem, the problem must be corrected.
Causes:
1. Low testosterone (must be checked by a doctor).
2. Trauma in your penis internal body (blood must flow freely). A doppler is normally prescribed to rule out
this.
3. Bad diet
4. Lack of sex (yes, this can affect your performance), if you don't exercise, your body becomes weaker.
Now, do you have erections while asleep or when you wake up in the morning?, testosterone is higher is this stages and this is a clear sign that you are not impotent.
Fantasma on
Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
Trauma in the penis.... no... don't think it's that.
Bad diet... very well could be. In the past 2 days I've eaten 2 oranges, a person pan pizza, and 9 chicken nuggets. This is my usual eating habit.
Lack of sex... more than likely.
I know I do have erections while asleep or when I wake up. Well, sometimes. Not all the time. I can definitely "get things going" if I'm watching porn or something.
Let's take it slow and not jump to any conclusions based on the same horrifyingly awkward "first-time" sexual experience that all of us have had in our lives. I know it wasn't *actually* you're first time but it's generally close enough. Also Jesus Christ eat a fucking sandwich or something.
SammyF on
0
Options
KakodaimonosCode fondlerHelping the 1% get richerRegistered Userregular
I've had people who were suppose to be my friends go to elaborate lengths to hurt me. Several times. ...
... I'd thought I'd throw that out there to give some background on why I get so damned paranoid.
You need to talk to someone about this. Find a therapist or a support group or something, because I can tell you that little thing in the back of your head making you worry about this and wonder whether you can really trust someone or not isn't going to go away by just ignoring it.
I'm not ignoring it. I'm pushing myself to get over it. These things happened years ago. I've been trying very hard to grow beyond this. It's definitely not something that I think will just go away. And to a great degree I've improved over the last several years. I'm not alone in this, my parents went through the same big thing I did (my virginity wasn't the big one). I've helped them with it as well as them helping me.
DoR, you seem to have some rather large self-esteem issues. You are always wondering what other people are thinking of you, and jump to premature conclusions about your interactions with people. Do you think you have self esteem issues? Are you not comfortable with the way you look? The way with how you interact with people? Think deep, this is some serious shit here and has to do with your 'sexual troubles'.
I do have large self-esteem issues. I'm not even going to attempt to deny that. I'm slowly getting out of it, realizing that I really shouldn't care what people think about me, about the way I act. My interests. But it is still there.
I do think that last night probably helped me a lot as far as, well, being able to trust this girl. Not in the "she's a liar" way, but in the "she actually likes me and this is real" way... if that makes sense. I've never had the experience of sleeping next to someone before. It's kinda different. You know, just holding someone... I dunno. I lost my train of thought. Either way, this whole thing is kinda changing the way I see myself. For the better. Part of the reason for my freakouts is I'm just scared of the positive changes going away if I'm wrong about this girl.
Perhaps I missed this part, because I skimmed some areas (though I believe I read most of the OP's posts), but how long have you known this girl?
Paranoia of non-contact aside, have you known her long enough that it wouldn't be possible for her to just not see you anymore? You said you use the term "girlfriend" lightly. Why lightly?
As for the sex part only, being told to "just relax" is difficult. It doesn't mean to do nothing, but to find a situation that helps you stay relaxed and, for the moment, takes the pressure off of you. Basically, imagine anything that would make you more comfortable in that situation so it doesn't feel like you're in the spotlight of a police helicopter. You should do things beforehand that make you want to have sex, physically. Trying to start that when she's already halfway done going down on you can make many people think there's a problem and compound that into wondering what the other person is thinking.
But maybe you should ask yourself if you're ready to have sex with this girl (or any girl) in the first place. If you need an emotional attachment to a person first, make sure that it's solid before you go any further. I would hope this wouldn't be a problem with her. If your previous encounter rings in your head or you think it's lurking under the surface of your current issues, then you have to deal with that first.
What I'm about to suggest isn't as black and white as the "don't suggest illegal stuff" part of the rules thread can seem, and I'll take the infraction if the mods think it is.
Try a psychedelic drug with her and just stay in listening to good music and talking. Ecstasy or acid preferably. A low-ish dose. It'll open both of you up mentally (ecstasy will also do it physically) and even if you don't actually have sex while you're tripping you will at the very least confront the issues you have with yourself, and with her positive and reinforcing presence you will start feel comfortable and safe. I have grown exponentially closer with every single person I have ever done psychedelics with barring situations where I was completely socially incompatible with these people (but as she is your girlfriend and you describe her the way you do I doubt you'll have that problem).
Basically it'll get rid of the "is this real?" anxiety, by way of showing you that being anxious about this sort of thing in the way you are is the opposite of what you need. You may "know" that now, but you don't really know it because it's still there. The drug will make you confront yourself and won't allow you to turn away from your problem as you have been. And if you have someone there that you care about and who cares about you and you talk to them about it all you'll find yourself feeling a lot better after the trip (even though it can range from great to hellish during, I find that the hellish trips always improve your life after the fact). You shouldn't worry about it being bad though, as every bad trip I've had was alone. I find that as long as you can get what you've got in your head out in the open with the person you're with you'll feel a lot better. The key is to talk and listen.
What I'm about to suggest isn't as black and white as the "don't suggest illegal stuff" part of the rules thread can seem, and I'll take the infraction if the mods think it is.
Try a psychedelic drug with her and just stay in listening to good music and talking. Ecstasy or acid preferably. A low-ish dose. It'll open both of you up mentally (ecstasy will also do it physically) and even if you don't actually have sex while you're tripping you will at the very least confront the issues you have with yourself, and with her positive and reinforcing presence you will start feel comfortable and safe. I have grown exponentially closer with every single person I have ever done psychedelics with barring situations where I was completely socially incompatible with these people (but as she is your girlfriend and you describe her the way you do I doubt you'll have that problem).
Basically it'll get rid of the "is this real?" anxiety, by way of showing you that being anxious about this sort of thing in the way you are is the opposite of what you need. You may "know" that now, but you don't really know it because it's still there. The drug will make you confront yourself and won't allow you to turn away from your problem as you have been. And if you have someone there that you care about and who cares about you and you talk to them about it all you'll find yourself feeling a lot better after the trip (even though it can range from great to hellish during, I find that the hellish trips always improve your life after the fact). You shouldn't worry about it being bad though, as every bad trip I've had was alone. I find that as long as you can get what you've got in your head out in the open with the person you're with you'll feel a lot better. The key is to talk and listen.
Good luck.
You should be careful, I recommended Viagra once to a guy in this forum who was having issues, and I was almost impaled in the Tree of Pain for the whole eternity by many experts.
Fantasma on
Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
If you already have anxiety issues, trying to have sex while on a psychadelic drug for the first time would be--aside from being illegal (unless it was something like Salvia)--really not a good idea. You'll be nervous about the sex, nervous about the drug, and that's virtually going to guarantee a bad trip.
I didn't actually mean drop a tab and fuck, just trip together to get what you're anxious about out in the open and understand each other. I've also found that E polishes over any sort of anxiety quite well but I'll shut up now and let people suggest real things.
I didn't actually mean drop a tab and fuck, just trip together to get what you're anxious about out in the open and understand each other. I've also found that E polishes over any sort of anxiety quite well but I'll shut up now and let people suggest real things.
I've had mixed reactions with E. It's one of the biggest gambles when it comes to drugs, and is often mixed, cut with, or even entirely made up of a different drug.
I was rolling with a girlfriend one time, and the entire time she was wanting to fuck, but for some reason I was in more of a psychadelic than physical mindset and just felt like she was pressuring me while I wanted to just enjoy myself in other ways. I've also had times where E makes my anxiety go away, and other times where it makes it worse.
So despite my love of psychadelics, I'm going to suggest against this, not because it can't potentially be awesome, but because you are taking a gamble both chemically and emotionally, and it could turn out badly. As a sufferer of anxiety (and having had the OP's problem), I can say that psychadelics should only ever be used in a completely comfortable environment. That means not around someone you are having performance anxiety issues with.
Perhaps I missed this part, because I skimmed some areas (though I believe I read most of the OP's posts), but how long have you known this girl?
Paranoia of non-contact aside, have you known her long enough that it wouldn't be possible for her to just not see you anymore? You said you use the term "girlfriend" lightly. Why lightly?
As for the sex part only, being told to "just relax" is difficult. It doesn't mean to do nothing, but to find a situation that helps you stay relaxed and, for the moment, takes the pressure off of you. Basically, imagine anything that would make you more comfortable in that situation so it doesn't feel like you're in the spotlight of a police helicopter. You should do things beforehand that make you want to have sex, physically. Trying to start that when she's already halfway done going down on you can make many people think there's a problem and compound that into wondering what the other person is thinking.
But maybe you should ask yourself if you're ready to have sex with this girl (or any girl) in the first place. If you need an emotional attachment to a person first, make sure that it's solid before you go any further. I would hope this wouldn't be a problem with her. If your previous encounter rings in your head or you think it's lurking under the surface of your current issues, then you have to deal with that first.
I'm just going to reply to this one instead of all the drug ones. We've both done our fair share of drugs, so while it may be something we may do in the future, it's definitely not necessary for this. Actually, I don't think it's necessary at any time. Just something that we might do for fun.
But onto the post I'm replying to.
I've know her for a little over a month. We've seen each other 6 times, 3 of which were before we made our intentions clear, and 3 times afterwards. Whenever I said I used the term girlfriend lightly, well, that's part of my paranoia, inexperience, ext talking. Now I have all of that cleared up. We're definitely dating (even though we're not really going on dates... we've really only gone on one "date"), exclusivity hasn't been said, but I don't think either of us need to say it. And, well, that's pretty much what a girlfriend is, right?
While it would be possible for us to never see eachother again (we don't have any common friends or anything yet. We live in different suburbs. If one of us wanted to it wouldn't be hard to avoid the other completely), I don't think that's going to happen. We've made some plans of stuff, and every time we talk it's always "next time blahblah" or "in the future, blahblah".
Last night kinda put my mind at ease with the whole "is what happened going to change things" bit. We went and watched Watchmen. Held eachother through the whole movie. She stayed over, slept with me on my twin bed so we were close the whole time... but nothing sexual, just a little cuddling. It's like... she knows what's going on with me, and she does understand it. That was what was bothering me, is that she wouldn't want to deal with that.
I mean, I told her the whole deal about my first time when it happened. Maybe not the best move, but that didn't scare her off.
Here's something that cemented it in my head that I don't have anything to worry about with her just dropping me. Last night I told her my parents were coming up for the weekend. I didn't envite her out with us, I didn't know if that would be the right move at this point. Well, this morning we were trying to figure out when to see eachother next, and we couldn't really come up with anything. So she was about to leave, and I just asked her if she could go out with my parents and I tomorrow. She brightened up, said yes, and well, seemed really excited about it. The whole thing wasn't too big deal to me... everyone I know loves my parents, and my parents are very laid back and cool. Nothing to worry about there. But her getting excited about it made me excited about it.
She wouldn't want to do that if we were just casually seeing eachother.
I think with the way we're going I'm going to be fine with the whole sex thing soon.
As much as all of this "Just relax and let it happen" advice is well-intentioned, it's also pretty goddamned useless.
I'd suggest the following:
1. Stop beating off. You're desensitizing yourself and you're probably oversensitive to oxytocin and/or prolactin (chemicals released during male orgasm responsible for the refractory period effect). The longer you go without, the less likely you are to have performance issues with the girl.
2. Start planning to be naked in bed with her in the morning. Male testosterone is at its highest levels of the day in the morning, and blood flow is just getting started (which is one of the reasons guys get morning wood.)
The... not hardness thing isn't an issue. She had no complaints. Since that night we've only really pecked eachother, but held eachother alot. I think that helped with my mental barrier. So, well, yeah... not anything physical that caused that.
Now it's the I can't get off with a condom thing. Good because wearing a condom and not being able to get off definitely lowers the risk of babies, but bad because, well, damnit, not being able to get off kinda sucks for me. We've been using Trojan-ENZ with Spermicidal lubricant, and well, I can't feel a damned thing through them. What might be a better alternative that wouldn't hinder the feeling thing?
I've been through the 'trouble with condom' thing before, and my best advice would be to cut down on solo time and spend A LOT of time on foreplay. I use the same condoms myself and I was able to adapt to them via the method above, though YMMV. It's good that you've talked with her about it, as some people take it personally if they can't satisfy you.
I am soooo glad we're moving onto condom advice from impotence advice. In the Help and Advice Business, this is what we like to call A Step In The Right Direction.
A couple of things:
1. I can't get off with some brands of condoms if I'm overly-sensitive to the spermicidal lubricant. So try a brand with a normal lubricant.
2. As far as I'm concerned, no condom has ever come out of the wrapper properly lubricated, and when you're thrusting (and, more importantly, withdrawing) that thing can stick to you like a frakkin' bandaid. Lubricate the inside of the trip with a few drops of the lubricant of your choice to improve sensitivity/decrease annoying rubbery friction.
This will logically lead you to another question: "o but whut lubez shuld i getz?"
1. You want water-based as opposed to oil-based lubricants because oil-based lubes will eat through latex. Which is fascinating to watch. Except when it's on your penis. And your penis is inside of a girl you don't want to knock-up.
2. Water-based doesn't have to mean "watery." My advice for all of your personal lubrication needs is astroglide. It's relatively odorless, fairly thick and won't dry out mid-coitus. But experiment and try different things.
3. Don't bother with the flavored shit--it's got some sort of sugary ingredient that is sticky. You want slippery, not sticky. Flavored lubricant is GREAT for oral sex, however.
Posts
It's true.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Causes:
1. Low testosterone (must be checked by a doctor).
2. Trauma in your penis internal body (blood must flow freely). A doppler is normally prescribed to rule out
this.
3. Bad diet
4. Lack of sex (yes, this can affect your performance), if you don't exercise, your body becomes weaker.
Now, do you have erections while asleep or when you wake up in the morning?, testosterone is higher is this stages and this is a clear sign that you are not impotent.
Low Testosterone... I dunno.
Trauma in the penis.... no... don't think it's that.
Bad diet... very well could be. In the past 2 days I've eaten 2 oranges, a person pan pizza, and 9 chicken nuggets. This is my usual eating habit.
Lack of sex... more than likely.
I know I do have erections while asleep or when I wake up. Well, sometimes. Not all the time. I can definitely "get things going" if I'm watching porn or something.
You need to talk to someone about this. Find a therapist or a support group or something, because I can tell you that little thing in the back of your head making you worry about this and wonder whether you can really trust someone or not isn't going to go away by just ignoring it.
I do think that last night probably helped me a lot as far as, well, being able to trust this girl. Not in the "she's a liar" way, but in the "she actually likes me and this is real" way... if that makes sense. I've never had the experience of sleeping next to someone before. It's kinda different. You know, just holding someone... I dunno. I lost my train of thought. Either way, this whole thing is kinda changing the way I see myself. For the better. Part of the reason for my freakouts is I'm just scared of the positive changes going away if I'm wrong about this girl.
Paranoia of non-contact aside, have you known her long enough that it wouldn't be possible for her to just not see you anymore? You said you use the term "girlfriend" lightly. Why lightly?
As for the sex part only, being told to "just relax" is difficult. It doesn't mean to do nothing, but to find a situation that helps you stay relaxed and, for the moment, takes the pressure off of you. Basically, imagine anything that would make you more comfortable in that situation so it doesn't feel like you're in the spotlight of a police helicopter. You should do things beforehand that make you want to have sex, physically. Trying to start that when she's already halfway done going down on you can make many people think there's a problem and compound that into wondering what the other person is thinking.
But maybe you should ask yourself if you're ready to have sex with this girl (or any girl) in the first place. If you need an emotional attachment to a person first, make sure that it's solid before you go any further. I would hope this wouldn't be a problem with her. If your previous encounter rings in your head or you think it's lurking under the surface of your current issues, then you have to deal with that first.
Try a psychedelic drug with her and just stay in listening to good music and talking. Ecstasy or acid preferably. A low-ish dose. It'll open both of you up mentally (ecstasy will also do it physically) and even if you don't actually have sex while you're tripping you will at the very least confront the issues you have with yourself, and with her positive and reinforcing presence you will start feel comfortable and safe. I have grown exponentially closer with every single person I have ever done psychedelics with barring situations where I was completely socially incompatible with these people (but as she is your girlfriend and you describe her the way you do I doubt you'll have that problem).
Basically it'll get rid of the "is this real?" anxiety, by way of showing you that being anxious about this sort of thing in the way you are is the opposite of what you need. You may "know" that now, but you don't really know it because it's still there. The drug will make you confront yourself and won't allow you to turn away from your problem as you have been. And if you have someone there that you care about and who cares about you and you talk to them about it all you'll find yourself feeling a lot better after the trip (even though it can range from great to hellish during, I find that the hellish trips always improve your life after the fact). You shouldn't worry about it being bad though, as every bad trip I've had was alone. I find that as long as you can get what you've got in your head out in the open with the person you're with you'll feel a lot better. The key is to talk and listen.
Good luck.
You should be careful, I recommended Viagra once to a guy in this forum who was having issues, and I was almost impaled in the Tree of Pain for the whole eternity by many experts.
I've had mixed reactions with E. It's one of the biggest gambles when it comes to drugs, and is often mixed, cut with, or even entirely made up of a different drug.
I was rolling with a girlfriend one time, and the entire time she was wanting to fuck, but for some reason I was in more of a psychadelic than physical mindset and just felt like she was pressuring me while I wanted to just enjoy myself in other ways. I've also had times where E makes my anxiety go away, and other times where it makes it worse.
So despite my love of psychadelics, I'm going to suggest against this, not because it can't potentially be awesome, but because you are taking a gamble both chemically and emotionally, and it could turn out badly. As a sufferer of anxiety (and having had the OP's problem), I can say that psychadelics should only ever be used in a completely comfortable environment. That means not around someone you are having performance anxiety issues with.
I'm just going to reply to this one instead of all the drug ones. We've both done our fair share of drugs, so while it may be something we may do in the future, it's definitely not necessary for this. Actually, I don't think it's necessary at any time. Just something that we might do for fun.
But onto the post I'm replying to.
I've know her for a little over a month. We've seen each other 6 times, 3 of which were before we made our intentions clear, and 3 times afterwards. Whenever I said I used the term girlfriend lightly, well, that's part of my paranoia, inexperience, ext talking. Now I have all of that cleared up. We're definitely dating (even though we're not really going on dates... we've really only gone on one "date"), exclusivity hasn't been said, but I don't think either of us need to say it. And, well, that's pretty much what a girlfriend is, right?
While it would be possible for us to never see eachother again (we don't have any common friends or anything yet. We live in different suburbs. If one of us wanted to it wouldn't be hard to avoid the other completely), I don't think that's going to happen. We've made some plans of stuff, and every time we talk it's always "next time blahblah" or "in the future, blahblah".
Last night kinda put my mind at ease with the whole "is what happened going to change things" bit. We went and watched Watchmen. Held eachother through the whole movie. She stayed over, slept with me on my twin bed so we were close the whole time... but nothing sexual, just a little cuddling. It's like... she knows what's going on with me, and she does understand it. That was what was bothering me, is that she wouldn't want to deal with that.
I mean, I told her the whole deal about my first time when it happened. Maybe not the best move, but that didn't scare her off.
Here's something that cemented it in my head that I don't have anything to worry about with her just dropping me. Last night I told her my parents were coming up for the weekend. I didn't envite her out with us, I didn't know if that would be the right move at this point. Well, this morning we were trying to figure out when to see eachother next, and we couldn't really come up with anything. So she was about to leave, and I just asked her if she could go out with my parents and I tomorrow. She brightened up, said yes, and well, seemed really excited about it. The whole thing wasn't too big deal to me... everyone I know loves my parents, and my parents are very laid back and cool. Nothing to worry about there. But her getting excited about it made me excited about it.
She wouldn't want to do that if we were just casually seeing eachother.
I think with the way we're going I'm going to be fine with the whole sex thing soon.
I'd suggest the following:
1. Stop beating off. You're desensitizing yourself and you're probably oversensitive to oxytocin and/or prolactin (chemicals released during male orgasm responsible for the refractory period effect). The longer you go without, the less likely you are to have performance issues with the girl.
2. Start planning to be naked in bed with her in the morning. Male testosterone is at its highest levels of the day in the morning, and blood flow is just getting started (which is one of the reasons guys get morning wood.)
3. No, seriously. Stop jerking off.
The... not hardness thing isn't an issue. She had no complaints. Since that night we've only really pecked eachother, but held eachother alot. I think that helped with my mental barrier. So, well, yeah... not anything physical that caused that.
Now it's the I can't get off with a condom thing. Good because wearing a condom and not being able to get off definitely lowers the risk of babies, but bad because, well, damnit, not being able to get off kinda sucks for me. We've been using Trojan-ENZ with Spermicidal lubricant, and well, I can't feel a damned thing through them. What might be a better alternative that wouldn't hinder the feeling thing?
A stable relationship, birth control and mutual STD testing?
I'm talking about an alternative brand of/type of condom.
A couple of things:
1. I can't get off with some brands of condoms if I'm overly-sensitive to the spermicidal lubricant. So try a brand with a normal lubricant.
2. As far as I'm concerned, no condom has ever come out of the wrapper properly lubricated, and when you're thrusting (and, more importantly, withdrawing) that thing can stick to you like a frakkin' bandaid. Lubricate the inside of the trip with a few drops of the lubricant of your choice to improve sensitivity/decrease annoying rubbery friction.
This will logically lead you to another question: "o but whut lubez shuld i getz?"
1. You want water-based as opposed to oil-based lubricants because oil-based lubes will eat through latex. Which is fascinating to watch. Except when it's on your penis. And your penis is inside of a girl you don't want to knock-up.
2. Water-based doesn't have to mean "watery." My advice for all of your personal lubrication needs is astroglide. It's relatively odorless, fairly thick and won't dry out mid-coitus. But experiment and try different things.
3. Don't bother with the flavored shit--it's got some sort of sugary ingredient that is sticky. You want slippery, not sticky. Flavored lubricant is GREAT for oral sex, however.