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Trying to not live with my friend next year.

Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
edited April 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So, I'm a freshmen in college in NYC. I'm living in the dorms now, but since we all live in the city, most people are looking at getting apartments next year (the dorms are not typical college dorms, there are no parties and no one really talks to each other, and it's crazy expensive).

The problem is, there is a group of kids I hang out with. I hang out with one kid, Mike, more than I hang out with the other four kids (three of these kids are living together next year). We smoke a lot, and probably hangout almost every day. I know he was kind of assuming we'd live together, so I told him that I was thinking about studying abroad next year (in Germany, which I was), so I didn't want to commit to anything. He has since said yes to another kid, Tom, saying he would live with him, but if I said that I wasn't going to be in Germany he would ditch Tom or I could live with Tom and him. Tom is creepy as fuck and no one really likes him.

I don't really want to live with this kid next year. He smokes (weed) all the time and since smoking is kind of what we do when we hangout, as someone who is trying to cut back on smoking, it is really annoying. If I told him I was going to stop smoking he would be wierded out. If there's ever a weekend I don't want to smoke, I have to tell him I don't have any money for it, and even then sometimes he just buys it anyway.

Also, he just likes getting high and drunk way too much, and makes me feel like a stoner (BRO HOW HIGH ARE WE RIGHT NOW). Also, he likes acting really fucked up when he isn't (as in, we will smoke the same amount, I will be high obviously but still functioning, he will be running around yelling like a ten year old) or we will go out drinking and he will just get so fucked up. This is awkward because if we are at a party with other people, I don't want to be acting like an idiot. Also, when he is fucked up, he will say things that he obviously wants to say when he is sober, because he knows that I and the other guys won't say anything because he is supposedly so out of it.

Basically I just don't want to live with this guy. What do I tell him? I am not worried about finding other people to live with. The problem is that if I say something like, "Oh I think I'm moving in with my cousin", I think he will know that I am lying. Should I just do that anyway?

Chop Logic on

Posts

  • FireflashFireflash Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    You could just explain him truthfully why you don't think living with him is a good idea. A friend isn't necessarily a good roommate. If he's a good friend he should understanf your desire not to be high all the time. And living with someone who smokes regularly makes it more difficult to cut back on it.

    I have a friend who I lived with for a year but I would never, ever live with him again. Yet he's still my friend even though he knows very well I don't want to live with him.

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  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Don't lie to friends, if and when it comes out there will be static. Look for a place to live with some other people.

    If during conversation with Mike, the topic of living situations comes up, tell him what you're doing. If he wants to know why you're not finding a place with him, tell him you're trying to exert more control over your living situation, specifically w/r/to pot and reducing consumption and focusing on studying or whatever. You gotta make it about you, because if you make it about Mike or Tom or something else, then he'll be all "fuck Tom" or "I can keep a lid on the pot stuff" and then you're faced with either living with him or having an even more uncomfortable conversation in where you say something like "I don't think you're going to change your habits."

    Though Mike sounds kinda odd, what happens if you tell him "I have money, I just don't want to smoke"?

    Djeet on
  • Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Another problem is that everyone keeps asking me why I'm not living with Tom, so I told them I might be studying abroad.

    Now everyone is asking me if I'm actually studying abroad (in a friendly way, like, hey how is that working out for you?)

    So I want to tell the rest of my friends that I'm actually going to be in the country next year, but then they are going to say, "Oh, so you're living with Mike then?"

    Basically, unless I lie, I am just going to have to say to Mike, "I don't want to live with you". This isn't like a random kid that thinks he's living with me, I basically hungout with this guy every day first semester.

    If I say it is because he smokes a lot he will just get mad. He will say that he can just not do it around me, or that I am being a hypocrite because I have been smoking with him all this time. Trust me.

    Chop Logic on
  • DuffelDuffel jacobkosh Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Honestly your friends sound like immature losers who are dragging you down because you don't want to act like a high school freshman.

    I know housing in NYC is a bitch but you shouldn't feel pressured to live with these people. You might be better off just to find some random people to move in with, although those can turn out really bad if you end up with some weirdo.

    Duffel on
  • Rotting MeatRotting Meat Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    There's a huge difference between good friends and good roomates. I've experienced good and bad for each, and if one of my friends said to me 'we wouldn't get along as roomates' it's not offensive, it's just saving us both a lot of hassle. Be honest and let him know that your lives don't line up as much as he thinks they do.

    Rotting Meat on
  • DmanDman Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Just tell your friend there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Tell him you still want to hang out (if you do, maybe you don't want to be friends with this person anymore?) but living together would just weigh down the friendship with domestic issues, tell him you can be a pain to live with sometimes and you don't want him to be dealing with your dirty laundry, literally and figuratively (you might be lying but he isn't likely to know or call you out on it).

    Dman on
  • ElrosstElrosst Registered User
    edited March 2009
    Try telling him you feel like it would be a good idea to live apart because you want to focus on school, and you think it would be hard to focus when living with a friend. You wouldnt be lying, and you wouldnt have to be overly harsh on him.

    Elrosst on

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  • RasmusRasmus Registered User
    edited March 2009
    Chop Logic wrote: »
    Another problem is that everyone keeps asking me why I'm not living with Tom, so I told them I might be studying abroad.

    Now everyone is asking me if I'm actually studying abroad (in a friendly way, like, hey how is that working out for you?)

    So I want to tell the rest of my friends that I'm actually going to be in the country next year, but then they are going to say, "Oh, so you're living with Mike then?"

    Basically, unless I lie, I am just going to have to say to Mike, "I don't want to live with you". This isn't like a random kid that thinks he's living with me, I basically hungout with this guy every day first semester.

    If I say it is because he smokes a lot he will just get mad. He will say that he can just not do it around me, or that I am being a hypocrite because I have been smoking with him all this time. Trust me.

    What about saying that you want some 'space' and to try standing on your own feet in living alone? Tell him you like him as a friend, but that you really feel a need to live alone. If he brings up smoking, you could always say it's because you want to smoke less, not that he smokes too much. That way he probably won't get on the defensive as quickly.

    Rasmus on
  • tsmvengytsmvengy Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    As others have said, don't say anything about the pot smoking, etc. You can just say "look, I have problems dealing with people I live with and I'm hard to live with. I don't want any roommate bullshit to come between us, I'd rather have it be with some random person."

    tsmvengy on
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  • Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Obviously you are all right, it just sucks because he assumed that if I wasn't studying abroad, then I would be living with him.

    Basically it just comes down to me telling someone that wants to live with me that I don't want to live with them.

    This sucks. I think what I am going to do is just say that I'm not studying abroad, but that I'll be living with my cousin who is older and going to be in the city next year. This is perfectly plausible and will not hurt his feelings.

    I know it is wrong to lie, but my friends would make a bigger deal of this than it needs to be (most of them have asked me multiple times, Why aren't you living with Mike?), so this seems like the easiest option.

    Chop Logic on
  • LoveIsUnityLoveIsUnity Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Won't that lie just get figured out really quickly since you'll be lying to people you will presumably continue to see?

    LoveIsUnity on
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  • Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I would just cover it up with another lie.

    Here is the thing, because I just figured it out. This makes me sound like a scumbag, with all the lying. Basically, if I did what you guys are telling me to do, it would be extremely awkward between us and we would not be friends anymore. I still have the whole year to go with seeing this guy and this group of friends every day, and I can't wait until the end of the year to let everyone know what I'm doing next year. The only logical thing to do seems to be to lie about where I am living next year, (My cousin is moving into the city, I'm going to live with him), and then in the Fall just say something else (My cousin decided not to move in, so at the last minute I moved in with someone else). My other friends will not think it's wierd or anything, and I get to keep this guy as a friend, and not hurt anyones feelings.

    Maybe?

    Chop Logic on
  • SevorakSevorak Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Chop Logic wrote: »
    I would just cover it up with another lie.

    Here is the thing, because I just figured it out. This makes me sound like a scumbag, with all the lying. Basically, if I did what you guys are telling me to do, it would be extremely awkward between us and we would not be friends anymore. I still have the whole year to go with seeing this guy and this group of friends every day, and I can't wait until the end of the year to let everyone know what I'm doing next year. The only logical thing to do seems to be to lie about where I am living next year, (My cousin is moving into the city, I'm going to live with him), and then in the Fall just say something else (My cousin decided not to move in, so at the last minute I moved in with someone else). My other friends will not think it's wierd or anything, and I get to keep this guy as a friend, and not hurt anyones feelings.

    Maybe?

    This is only a good idea if you live in a sitcom. Do not do this. Follow any of the other, better advice you've gotten in this thread.

    Sevorak on
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  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Chop Logic wrote: »
    I would just cover it up with another lie.

    Here is the thing, because I just figured it out. This makes me sound like a scumbag, with all the lying. Basically, if I did what you guys are telling me to do, it would be extremely awkward between us and we would not be friends anymore. I still have the whole year to go with seeing this guy and this group of friends every day, and I can't wait until the end of the year to let everyone know what I'm doing next year. The only logical thing to do seems to be to lie about where I am living next year, (My cousin is moving into the city, I'm going to live with him), and then in the Fall just say something else (My cousin decided not to move in, so at the last minute I moved in with someone else). My other friends will not think it's wierd or anything, and I get to keep this guy as a friend, and not hurt anyones feelings.

    Maybe?

    This is only a good idea if you live in a sitcom. Do not do this. Follow any of the other, better advice you've gotten in this thread.

    Figuring out housing draw/apartment hunts with college friends is always a really political process, where people form alliances and exclude one another. It is best to be mindful of your friends' feelings while figuring this out. So your heart is clearly in the right place, but you've executed this a little poorly. Chalk it up to experience but don't feel too guilty about it.

    I can see why you are skeptical of OP's comment, Sevorak, because he has written it in a very convoluted way. All OP has to do is say he has something else lined up - either study abroad or living with your cousin - and then in the fall say that it fell through.

    It's not an evil lie, and it gives you a nice way to explain you wouldn't get along with these people. I think that's probably the most graceful way to get out of the conversation, as long as you're firm about it and don't actually talk to anyone else in the real world about what you did, because then it will invariably get around and cause hurt feelings and frayed friendships.

    The OP's real problem in that because he wasn't up-front in the beginning in a diplomatic way, by saying something like "i'm going to live by myself" or "i don't think we'd get along as roommates." The lie about housing plans is better than the alternative offered by several posters, suggesting that he air all of his grievances to his friend about why the friend be a terrible person to live with, which isn't something a) nice people to do anyone or b) friends do to each other).

    kaliyama on
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  • underdonkunderdonk __BANNED USERS regular
    edited March 2009
    Don't be afraid of confrontation. Don't be afraid to hurt someone's feelings. In some situations you need to make sure you're taking care of #1 (you). I believe this to be one of those situations. Tell him you are making other living arrangements. Don't be mean about it, just be honest.

    underdonk on
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  • EndomaticEndomatic Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Is Tom the guy you have a problem with? Seems so.

    Mike is the guy you want to be roommates with, why don't you just go with him? He offered to ditch Tom didn't he?

    If Tom is acting like he's 17 and smoking out for the first time, every time you do it, and no one likes the guy anyway, would anyone be surprised if you just admitted you don't want to live with him?

    Endomatic on
  • RingoRingo He/Him Bury me at Lone Tree DenRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Lying to Mike and your other friends is a really terrible idea. There are millions of ways to get caught in a lie and the longer it goes the more likely it is - not to mention the fact that you are putting an outright barrier in between not just you and Mike but you and everybody else you tell this lie to you. You'll have to be on your guard through next fall just to make sure it doesn't blow up in your face.

    It would be a lot easier to just tell everyone that your study abroad thing isn't happening, but you've decided you don't want to room with Mike. When they ask why, just say it's more comfortable to have someplace to go hang out that's not your apartment rather than being stuck on your own couch all the time.

    Ringo on
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  • CygnusZCygnusZ Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Have you considered just getting a studio apartment in Queens or Brooklyn?

    CygnusZ on
  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    "Hey, we wouldn't make good roommates. Don't ask why, it'd just be much easier for you to find someone else to live with."

    Not as harsh as "I don't want to live with you" but it gets the message across.

    Underdog on
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Why are you hanging around this guy so much if he bugs you?

    noir_blood on
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    noir_blood wrote: »
    Why are you hanging around this guy so much if he bugs you?

    we all have friends that wouldnt be our friends if we had to live with them.

    i dont think you specified whether or not you have other friends you do want to move in with.

    if you're going to live alone, I don't see how it's a problem to tell him. Even if he protests no one is going to get offended if their friend wants to live alone, and he'll be easy to convince.

    but if you're living with other friends (and i'm going to go out on a limb and guess they smoke too) it's a little more complicated coming up with a palatable reason.

    Either way he'll come to terms with the fact that you don't want to live with him, especially if you make sure you convey you still value the friendship and don't want things to change.

    If he is too immature to get over it, there's nothing you can do and it's his problem. No one is ever obligated to live with someone, unless it's a committed romantic relationship.

    My prediction is he'll be bummed/confused for a few days then you'll both move on.

    Sam on
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    kaliyama wrote: »
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Chop Logic wrote: »
    I would just cover it up with another lie.

    Here is the thing, because I just figured it out. This makes me sound like a scumbag, with all the lying. Basically, if I did what you guys are telling me to do, it would be extremely awkward between us and we would not be friends anymore. I still have the whole year to go with seeing this guy and this group of friends every day, and I can't wait until the end of the year to let everyone know what I'm doing next year. The only logical thing to do seems to be to lie about where I am living next year, (My cousin is moving into the city, I'm going to live with him), and then in the Fall just say something else (My cousin decided not to move in, so at the last minute I moved in with someone else). My other friends will not think it's wierd or anything, and I get to keep this guy as a friend, and not hurt anyones feelings.

    Maybe?

    This is only a good idea if you live in a sitcom. Do not do this. Follow any of the other, better advice you've gotten in this thread.

    Figuring out housing draw/apartment hunts with college friends is always a really political process, where people form alliances and exclude one another. It is best to be mindful of your friends' feelings while figuring this out. So your heart is clearly in the right place, but you've executed this a little poorly. Chalk it up to experience but don't feel too guilty about it.

    I can see why you are skeptical of OP's comment, Sevorak, because he has written it in a very convoluted way. All OP has to do is say he has something else lined up - either study abroad or living with your cousin - and then in the fall say that it fell through.

    It's not an evil lie, and it gives you a nice way to explain you wouldn't get along with these people. I think that's probably the most graceful way to get out of the conversation, as long as you're firm about it and don't actually talk to anyone else in the real world about what you did, because then it will invariably get around and cause hurt feelings and frayed friendships.

    The OP's real problem in that because he wasn't up-front in the beginning in a diplomatic way, by saying something like "i'm going to live by myself" or "i don't think we'd get along as roommates." The lie about housing plans is better than the alternative offered by several posters, suggesting that he air all of his grievances to his friend about why the friend be a terrible person to live with, which isn't something a) nice people to do anyone or b) friends do to each other).

    Sam on
  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Endomatic wrote: »
    Is Tom the guy you have a problem with? Seems so.

    Mike is the guy you want to be roommates with, why don't you just go with him? He offered to ditch Tom didn't he?

    If Tom is acting like he's 17 and smoking out for the first time, every time you do it, and no one likes the guy anyway, would anyone be surprised if you just admitted you don't want to live with him?

    That's not even close to what the situation is.

    OP: Since you seem to be dead set on weaseling through this, when would Mike have to sign a lease if he were to room with someone else? You could continue to say you're planning on studying in Germany, and you're just waiting for papers in the mail to take care of everything.. say you were late handing something in, but they said it shouldn't be a problem.

    After Mike has signed a lease for next year, tell him you were denied your schooling in Germany because of your late papers. Tell him you were fucked over, you're pissed.. etc. People will be more likely to focus on how shitty that is for you than how you may have been lying about it. By now, Mike is already stuck in a lease, and you can find your own place to live.

    Figgy on
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