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[Let's Play] Final Fantasy VII! A Tale of Revenge, Redemption, and Ridiculosity

AdusAdus Registered User regular
edited July 2011 in Games and Technology
Welcome to Let's Play

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Disc One:

Part 1: Club Midgar Now Open! (see bottom of this post)
Part 2: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
Part 3: George is Getting Upset
Part 4: Lost in Translation
Part 5: I Do Not Want This
Part 6: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Part 7: Elevators from Hell
Part 8-1: No Sephiroth, You Are The Demons
Part 8-2: Why'd It Have to be Snakes?
Part 9: Ninjas and Dolphins and Airships, Oh My!
Part 10: Attack of the Egg Bees
Part 11: Outlook Not So Good
Part 12: The Little Buggy That Couldn’t
Part 13: The Nanaki Corollary
Part 14: Prescription for Pain
Part 15: What if everything you ever wanted came in a ROCKET TOWN!?
Part 16: Dirty Dancing 3: Wutai Days
Part 17: Potato Potato Potato
Part 18: Temple of Douchebaggery
Part 19: The Return of Picklemier

Disc Two:

Part 20: Geniophobia = Fear of Chins
Part 21: Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence
Part 22: Breaking News: Emus are the Shit
Part 23: Dazed and Confused
Part 24: Flight of the Condors
Part 25: Stream of Consciousness
Part 26: Flavor of Loaf
Part 27: Absurdity In Its Purest Form
Part 28: Flashback Fiesta!
Part 29: Dimenticare di Ricordarsi
Part 30: Corporate Downsizing

Disc Three:
Part 31: Progenies Of The Great Apocalypse

A game which needs no introduction, but I’m a kind man so I shall assist the six people who have been out of the loop or in space for the last decade.

The highly anticipated Squaresoft RPG for Sony’s Playstation released in 1997 to massive critical acclaim and gamer praise. It boasted beautifully rendered backgrounds, an engaging storyline, and an excellent soundtrack. Whether or not those things held true to you is a matter of opinion. In fact, the unpopular opinion thread was partly what inspired me to do this.

I’ll begin by saying I do like this game. In fact, it's one of my favorite games of all time, but realize it has many flaws. For one, when it was released, the pre-rendered backgrounds were fairly nice, and battle sequences held up well against the need for higher quality characters. Sadly, the strange deformed ‘chibi’ characters used in all other sequences looked pretty awful from the start. Today, the graphics have dated expectedly, but I still maintain that some of the backgrounds are well-detailed.

Still, I’d say one of the most blatant issues of this game is the poor translation. Throughout the story, a lot of lines are poorly worded, oddly constructed, or just plain indecipherable. Reznik said it best as “a story that might be described as only kinda-confusing becomes incomprehensible to a lot of people.” I’ll do my best to clarify what’s going on in those cases, but I can’t make any promises.

I’ve played this game through a number of times, but during the last few I went to the Gameshark to ease the pain of leveling up. I’m not going to do that this time, but I’ll say it has probably been many years since I last played legit (possibly as many as 10), so bear with me.

This LP will be presented in Screenshot Format, obviously. Not only do people not want to watch 30+ hours worth of videos, they certainly don’t want to watch said videos with commentary by me as spontaneous commentary is not my strong suit. This will be my first LP. I’ve read through and watched a fair amount of LPs, but obviously this will be far from perfect. Criticism and suggestions are welcome. I’ll do my best to incorporate some interactivity in terms of character naming and such.

Also this will be a satire/humor based LP. A bit odd since I'm known for being rather serious amongst my friends and coworkers, but the game certainly lends itself to joking, not to mention the alternative would be an informative or expert play LP and I am neither well-informed or an expert at FFVII. Though I'm going to be keeping the story as intact as possible, with summaries or thoughts as it progresses. So I suppose it's partially informative. Oh uh, just a standard warning, I curse a lot in it. This is a Penny Arcade forum so I assume no one cares, but if for some reason you do. Well, too bad I guess! Also, while I may get venomous toward certain characters or plot points, remember that it's just all in fun.

The very pretty PS3 Tech Demo where they remade the opening:

With all that said. Let us begin.

Part 1 - Club Midgar Now Open!

Space… The Final Frontier… These are the voyages of…


Nevermind. Just some chick doing hallucinogens in a dark alley. Moving along…

Attractive woman, emerging from alley into slum streets. Cue upbeat music and cast montage, it’s Rapeville 90210.

Is the bar run by a man named Goblin, an actual goblin, or it for goblins only? These are things I must know.

Alright, so is it a slum, a city, a dance club? What? This place is beyond confusing!

(May not be as final as advertised)

This opening is painfully un-dramatic. A few more shots of the train go by as we zoom back into Club Midgar. I’m excited. Aren’t you? I mean, c’mon… The train is totally in a hurry to get to its pre-designated endpoint!

Guard: ‘Ah, excellent. Our shipment of prostitutes in teddy-bear costumes… I’ve been so needing to get laid… and a cuddly hug… I hate my life…’

‘Bob? You’re not supposed to start without me!’

‘Hey where’s your costu- hynaghhh! Ohgodwhy!’

‘Can I at least… get the hug…? :(

barrethead.jpg ‘Momma always said if I pray hard enough, God’ll give me a skinny, spiky-haired white boy to call my very own…’

barrethead.jpg ‘Hallelujah!’

barrethead.jpg ‘I think I’ll call him... Creampuff!’

Creampuff is totally a better name than Ex-SOLDIER(!!!!!) Lookit them blue eyes. So purty…

Soldier: ‘We came as quick as we could! Are the hugs here?!.. Wow, they really pulled out all the stops, this time. This is the prettiest one, yet!’

Guns vs. Sword. Time to stand down, I guess...

Actually, no.

Despite the fact that I just chopped his friend into bits, this soldier continues to fight... by deciding to completely ignore his projectile weapon, rushing the man with the giant sword and engaging in melee combat...

You can guess how that went...

Meanwhile, Puffy steals a strange liquid off of a man’s corpse. Huzzah!

cloudhead.jpg ‘Listen, my hearing is fine. You can stop shouting…’

cloudhead.jpg ‘Jesus… Just.. nevermind.’

This was the only rename suggestion I got. Next time, I'm just going with my own ideas!

cloudhead.jpg ‘For now, I shall give you temporary mental names. Hannibal, Faceman (seriously, lady, you have the face of a man), Murdock…’

cloudhead.jpg ‘B.A. Baracus!’

His expert advice is to never stick together. Sticking together is for suckers. Wise, wise words.

Sure glad we’re getting all our issues out now. It’s not like we’re in the middle of the fucking mission already or anything.

I always imagine the Mission: Impossible theme beginning here… LET’S DO THIS.

End notes: Rereading this update after like 25 others almost makes me want to rewrite it, but that would be cheating. I may fix some of the shots later, though. I know this is like 30 shots for 5 minutes of gameplay. This won't be the ratio all the time as that would mean about a million shots total (rough estimate). Future updates have turned out to be between 40 and 70 shots for each "section" of the game. Sections seem to typically be about an hour in length not counting world map travel and any level grinding you do in between.

I'll be poking fun at the game's flaws, so it's okay if you do, too. Let's not turn the thread into an FF debate though, please. I do my best to update regularly, but there's no set schedule. Anywhere from 1-3 days seems to be the norm so far.

Adus on


  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    FFVII is my favorite RPG and screenshot LPs are the only kind I like.

    I'll bite. About to look now.

    UnbreakableVow on
  • cj iwakuracj iwakura The Rhythm Regent Rockin' ShoujoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I like where you're going with this, but if you take this all the way, you have got your work cut out for you.

    cj iwakura on
  • FoodFood Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Good luck on this. Many have attempted a Final Fantasy VII lets play but most don't make it out of Midgar alive. I hope you are of stronger stuff.

    Food on
  • GrimReaperGrimReaper Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Food wrote: »
    Good luck on this. Many have attempted a Final Fantasy VII lets play but most don't make it out of Midgar alive. I hope you are of stronger stuff.

    Ripley: These people are here to protect you. They're soldiers.
    Newt: It won't make any difference.

    Thought it was appropriate. :)

    GrimReaper on
    PSN | Steam
    I've got a spare copy of Portal, if anyone wants it message me.
  • MinionOfCthulhuMinionOfCthulhu Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Adus. <3
    I'd like to nominate a new name for Cloud: Squall.

    MinionOfCthulhu on
  • lordswinglordswing Registered User
    edited January 2009
    You better fucking finish this let's play, I don't think I can take another heart break after the Chrono Trigger LP died.
    I likes

    lordswing on
    D2:LoD East -> *FlipPaulHewitt
  • DoctorGateuxDoctorGateux Registered User
    edited January 2009
    cj iwakura wrote: »
    I like where you're going with this, but if you take this all the way, you have got your work cut out for you.

    Considering how long a finished one would be hurts my head.

    Completely god-like if you do finish it though.

    DoctorGateux on
  • TylerbroorTylerbroor Registered User
    edited January 2009
    I say keep all character's names.

    Except Cait Sith. I don't care about that motherfucker.

    And you should run low level and use a different set of party members for each update.

    And you should get Beta from the Midgar Zolom before you enter the Mithrill Mines.

    And don't quit.

    Tylerbroor on
  • PemulisPemulis Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Good luck with this, looking forward to it.

    Pemulis on
  • EgosEgos Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    screenshot LPs are the only kind I like.

    You wouldn't like a LP voiced over by Christopher Walken or Vicent Price ?

    Egos on
  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Egos wrote: »
    screenshot LPs are the only kind I like.

    You wouldn't like a LP voiced over by Christopher Walken or Vicent Price ?
    screenshot LPs are the only kind I like.

    UnbreakableVow on
  • EgosEgos Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Egos wrote: »
    screenshot LPs are the only kind I like.

    You wouldn't like a LP voiced over by Christopher Walken or Vicent Price ?
    screenshot LPs are the only kind I like.

    Guess not...I would love a Christopher Walken Lets Play of Mario 64.

    Egos on
  • VeritasVRVeritasVR Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    It would be much less time consuming to do a video LP. There's too much information in this game to be as detailed as part 1 the whole time.

    Unless this is your full-time job. Because if it's not, it will be.

    VeritasVR on
    Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
  • cj iwakuracj iwakura The Rhythm Regent Rockin' ShoujoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Screenshot LPs are great for those of us who like to speed read. :P Also, for LPers who have a terrible speaking voice(like myself).

    But yeah, for this game, that is a mammoth endeavor.

    cj iwakura on
  • Fig-DFig-D Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sir, I wish you the best of luck.

    Because you're going to need it.

    Plan on editing together screens and text well into Summer.

    Fig-D on
    SteamID - Fig-D :: PSN - Fig-D
  • randombattlerandombattle Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Holy shit screenshot lp for this is just.. oh my god.

    Not to sound like an ass but have you ever done an lp before? Because if not then really you should not try to attempt a screenshot lp of final fantasy 7 for your first lp ever..

    randombattle on
    I never asked for this!
  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    If Barret gets renamed anything, it HAS to be "T" just to set up a later joke.

    BlitzAce1981 on
    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • ASimPersonASimPerson And they will tremble again at the sound of our silence!Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Good luck! The last attempt here only made it to the Don...

    ASimPerson on
  • SchideSchide Yeoh! Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    There's not really any way you do a video lp of a game this long, it wouldn't be good at all.

    All I have to say is I hope you can finish this because it's unfortunate when an lp is left unfinished.

    Schide on
  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    ASimPerson wrote: »
    Good luck! The last attempt here only made it to the Don...

    Hm, I didn't even see that. I did multiple searches, too. I am quite a failure. That model mod sure is interesting. However even if I had it, I'd keep the old models for nostalgia's sake. I figure if my commentary doesn't satisfy, maybe some people will look through it for the memories, at least.

    Anyhow, to everyone warning me. Yeah, I'm totally aware this'll take a lot of work and probably like, a year to finish, but I'm going to do my best. Thanks for the well wishes, though. I just hope it remains interesting enough, as I'm not anywhere near being a professional writer or comedian, nor are either of these things my career (IT/Network Admin). Anyhow, working on the 2nd update now.

    It ends at naming Tifa. No one really took advantage of Cloud or Barret other than MinionofCthulhu, so don't blame me if you don't like the names! Well, I guess you can blame me for Barret's since I chose his.

    So if you want to get a head start on Tifa name suggestions, go for it.

    Adus on
  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Tits McGee

    UnbreakableVow on
  • Fig-DFig-D Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    It's a shame Tits McGee won't fit.


    Fig-D on
    SteamID - Fig-D :: PSN - Fig-D
  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Did, uh...were you responding to me, or did we just think alike?

    'Cause that was quick.

    UnbreakableVow on
  • Fig-DFig-D Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Great minds, sir. Great minds.

    Fig-D on
    SteamID - Fig-D :: PSN - Fig-D
  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    But in seriousness, whenever I played VII, I named Tifa "Lockheart," because 1) it sounds cooler than Tifa and 2) it's her last name.

    UnbreakableVow on
  • randombattlerandombattle Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Fig-D wrote: »
    Great minds, sir. Great minds.

    Dont trust him for he is a mind taker!


    Anyway I never liked gimmick names because honestly after the first 20 times it gets old and not funny.

    randombattle on
    I never asked for this!
  • SchideSchide Yeoh! Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Tits McGee was the first thing that came to mind for me as well, but I just dismissed it as being too obvious.

    Schide on
  • DoctorGateuxDoctorGateux Registered User
    edited January 2009
    Anyway I never liked gimmick names because honestly after the first 20 times it gets old and not funny.

    I dunno, sometimes if the dialogue got drab and predictable it livened things up. Like, in FFIX I'd call Amarant Lobster just to see him say 'They used to call me the Flaming Lobster.'

    I suppose it's sad that I find that funny though.

    DoctorGateux on
  • SonarSonar Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    In my game Barrette was Mr. T, the vampire dude was Batman (DO EEEET!) and Aires was "Victim"

    Sonar on
    I'm building a real pirate ship. Really. Wanna help? Click here!
    caffron said: "and cat pee is not a laughing matter"
  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    This update was larger than expected. Still trying to get used to deciding what to leave in and cut out.

    Part 2: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
    Previously on the A-Team…


    MinionOfCthulhu was the only one to suggest a rename, therefore… Paradox!
    Hey, maybe I’ll do VIII next and…

    No, I don’t think so.

    In addition:


    Full of doughy goodness.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Well, there was that elementary school field trip…’


    Aw bummer, Dude.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I just said it wasn’t my problem. No one fucking listens to me. How dare you even assume I live on the same planet as you do, anyway!’


    Whoops, too late.


    Don’t do it. You have no idea what that is or how long it has been there…


    You’re ten levels of retarded. It’s probably a flat bottle of Surge with a surprise side of Herpes.


    Floor candy! Even better! Go ahead. Do it. I don’t care anymore.


    Nevermind. It’s just a ball of magic. This will be explained, right? … Right?


    So, he doesn’t trust Squall, yet apparently he has had the bomb this whole time. Sure, okay.


    Thank you, Mysterious Inner Voice. Could you elaborate a bit further? Is it perhaps a space station?


    No, of course you couldn’t. That would be convenient, after all. Let’s just set the damn bomb and go trip the night away. Squall saw a dealer with some real good looking shit not too long ago.


    Alarm Sounds! Apparently their bomb detection system only works after the bomb has been armed. That’s a bit of a drag, huh?


    This is Guard Scorpion. You’d think he’d actually be guarding the reactor, but I discarded logic long ago when my hero began scavenging odd fluids off the floor and corpses of men.


    Braver? I hardly know ‘er!


    cloudhead.jpgR E N Z O K U K E N! Ah sorry, I don’t know where that came from…’


    The machine vibrates ominously, but doesn’t do much while I pelt him with a few Bolts.


    It’s Super Effective!


    Hmm, that doesn’t look terribly good.


    m4BKQ.jpg ‘Huh…? Really? Well, if you say so…’




    Aw yeah. Hammer Pants are ready. Breakitdown!

    You get 10 minutes until the bomb goes off. I’ve never even remotely had a problem getting out in time, so I honestly don’t even know what happens. Game over, I assume, but I was too lazy to find out.


    Meanwhile, I strip these fools of their undeserved A-Team names because Faceman would never be in this position. Jessie is quickly thrust back into female stereotype with a classic ‘I did something fucking retarded like getting caught on this grate during our near-suicidal mission.’ Given the option, I would have left her to die. Squall doesn’t give a shit about the entire planet. What’s the loss of one, mannish girl going to hurt? Sadly, you need her to decipher the “code” aka “press a fucking button” after the elevator. So, you really have no choice.


    As if that’s not bad enough, she trips and falls here literally seconds before the bomb goes off. Pretty clear that by now, Darwin wants her dead for one reason or another. Squall helps her anyways despite my frantic keypressing.




    cloudhead.jpg ‘Stealing my lines now, lardass? Oh, it’s on.’

    Jessie is busy setting a small explosive to get through this door or whatever.


    Overkill, much?

    The Team is told to split up and meet at the Sector 8 Train Station. Once again, Loaf spits on the Strength In Numbers idiom.


    Crackhead doppelgangers… What is this world coming to?


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Thank God. Give me whatever you have. I need to gleam a cube or whatever the lingo is these days.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I’m takin’ it back! Suck it, Loaf. Now… what was the Junkie Code Phrase, again? Ah yes…’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I dunno, are they? The hell are you asking me for? You must really be fucked up. You know what? Yeah. They are. They’re only a gil. Gimmie.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I can’t believe that worked. Time to blow.’


    After sampling, Squall is now perplexed at the absence of cubes. Upon further inspection. It is a flower.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘That’s it. I’m wearing your skin. Someone get me a copy of Goodbye Horses.’

    After this, A ton of soldiers run up to you in an alley in a shot that didn't save. You’re given the chance to fight them, but it doesn’t matter as more just come anyways. I never really understood why they even give you the option. Not to mention that at the rate you kill them, the 8 that end up there wouldn’t be a challenge either. They could at least be robots…


    The obvious solution.


    Squall proceeds to defy the laws of physics by landing on a fast moving object without stumbling or tumbling at all. Astounding! Then again, he does carry around a sword that’s about as big as he is which is conveniently missing now.

    Meanwhile, the Not-Quite-A-Team celebrates a job well done with no Squall there to ego trip the train off the tracks.


    duAPT.jpg ‘I hear the only way he gets off is if he wears a Bob Dole mask while you scream the name. Wait, there was another... something about being on top of trains…’


    duAPT.jpg ‘Must be him.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘The only thing larger than my ego is my “sword”, if you know what I mean.

    Okay, yeah. I really am talking about the sword…’


    Always been very curious as to how this is pronounced.

    Everyone proceeds to move out except Jessie who needs to build up the sexual tension. It would not be a JRPG if every woman didn’t have at least a little crush on our pretty, pretty hero.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘God, no! Don’t touch me with those freakish mitts! Agaghhhh! Bitch…’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I’m going to close my eyes, and when I open them, you better not be ugly, or at least performing an action that obscures your face.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Are you going to show me your cock? Because as horrifying as that sounds, it would explain a few things.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Monitors. Wow. Helpless, ugly, AND boring! You are quite a catch.’

    She proceeds to explain the Midgar railway while Squall drifts off to mentally design his new Flowergirl Skin Suit.


    This guy was making some weird motions. Squall goes to investigate despite common sense urging otherwise.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Uh… maybe?’


    cloudhead.jpg 'I think I’m on the wrong side. This planet needs to die.'



    He meant another phallus-like object.


    Moving on… It’s the 7th Heaven bar. Cause it’s in the Sector 7 Slums. Oh hoho. How people would know that’s its name is beyond me. It appears to also be the Texas (Where is Texas in this world, exactly?) Cowboy Olon, and the Cyter Bar. Make up your mind.


    All the current occupants, including what appears to be a five year old and his mother, are swiftly ejected. Squall is tired of talking to freaks, so he tries to head inside.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Baby? That’s impossible. You know my conditions. You know how hard it is to convince a woman to go along with either of them?’


    It’s a weird thing to say, regardless of context. Eventually he lets me in.


    That’s Marlene. She’s quite the trooper, learning to read, write and mix drinks at such an early age!


    cloudhead.jpg 'The team is a bunch of boobs, there were a few speed bumps and it almost went tits-up but.. thankfully.. there… uh… What was I saying?’

    There. It’s out of my system for a bit.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I was worried the last impressive rack I’d get to see would be Loaf’s.’

    Okay, seriously this time.


    Go at it.

    End Notes: Like it has been said, this is time consuming, but I am pressing on. Updates will probably be every 3-5 days or so as a result. As updates go on, I'll probably try to cover more game in less shots. Sadly, the story may end up lost in there, but considering how much time you spend on just an hour of gameplay, it's not really practical to shoot every line of dialogue. Not to mention I run out of things to say eventually. It's pretty obvious here that near the end I was running on fumes.

    Also, if anyone knows a good place where I'll be able to upload the million images this'll eventually be without worry, I'd appreciate the tip.

    Adus on
  • MinionOfCthulhuMinionOfCthulhu Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Fig-D wrote: »
    Great minds, sir. Great minds.

    Dont trust him for he is a mind taker!


    Anyway I never liked gimmick names because honestly after the first 20 times it gets old and not funny.

    I disagree. The LP for FF8 was made by the silly names. C'mon. Robert? Worf?
    And the obligatory renaming of Rinoa's dog to 'Vaginal'.

    MinionOfCthulhu on
  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Oh dear, forgot about me already? Well I did not forget about you, fine people.

    Part 3 - George is Getting Upset
    A friend of mine suggested Rinoa for Tifa’s name. I decided not to go down that path for a few reasons: I hate Rinoa. I like Tifa. And I can’t bring myself to reference FFVIII any more than I already have. Liking Tifa is another reason why I didn’t go for a silly name. I may be making jokes but my intent here really isn’t to tear the game apart. Therefore, Lockheart. CONTINUING ON.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Oh uh.. yes. I totally bought this for you and not because I thought it was smack.’


    Marlene is simply reciting the Squall Fan Club’s motto. Their theme song is “Dude (Looks Like a Lady).”


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Only so I can owe you something hard in return’

    Squall then heads downstairs via Super Pinball Elevator where he and Loaf argue some more about the planet and Squall’s not giving two shits about anything or anyone. At this point, I have to wonder just what IS his motivation? Is it merely a coincidence that he’s doing mercenary jobs for a “terrorist” group which includes a busty childhood friend? Somehow, I doubt it. He storms away but Lockheart stops him before he gets far.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Seven years? Lady, I don’t remember what happened seven days ago.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I will however continue to act like hot shit and how none of you deserve to stand in my radiance.’

    Apparently she plans to hold this over his head for the rest of his life, despite the fact that it was just a silly thing they said when they were kids. Let this be a lesson to you all: Don’t promise women shit.

    Anyways, Loaf finally pays Squall, who scoffs at the amount of 1500 as it won’t buy him enough crack to last a week. Lockheart seems overjoyed because now he HAS to do another mission. Loaf mumbles about having to pay Mr. Pretty SOLDIER even more.


    barrethead.jpg ‘If she doesn’t get training, she’ll NEVER be able to mix a proper Manhattan.’

    Nonetheless, they settle on 2000 and end the night there.


    Squall uses pipes as pillows, because he was in SOLDIER!!! and that’s how they roll.


    They all apparently slept in the same room, too. That’s not awkward at all. I tell her this and she gets confused. Not the sharpest pencil in the box.


    Yes, that’s right. They really are leaving the five year old in charge of the bar. There’s nothing funny to say here, it’s pretty absurd enough on its own. As you can see, it’s time to blow up another reactor. The day after the first one. The plan is actually brilliant. Who would be stupid enough to blow up two reactors two days in a row? No one! Which is exactly why we’re doing it! That or they just really are that dumb.


    Squall and Friends take a stop by the “Beginner’s Hall” for more cock waving. I really forgot how much of a douche he was at this point in the game. It makes me somewhat understand why some people didn’t play very far. I leave without telling them shit, just to rub it in further. Enough of that, time to get back on the train.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Jesus, you too? Every woman on this planet is boring as hell. Or maybe I’m just too goddamn awesome. No wonder they’re all over me.’


    Gadzooks! The ID system wasn’t supposed to detect us for another three minutes. Someone screwed up hard. My money is on Jessie, because she’s worthless and has huge, grotesque hands.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Easy for you to say. You and Lockheart have airbags.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Holy Muffintoast. You of all people are not ever allowed to sneak up on me like that.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘And I'm not just saying that because your penis gives you a huge bulge.’

    After a dramatic leap from the train which is never seen and everyone comes out perfectly unscathed, we head to the new reactor.




    cloudhead.jpg ‘Oh, and here I thought you printed everyone’s on naked photos of yourself.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Yep. You did. You’re a total failure. Why don’t you build one of your stupid bombs and shove it up your ass? In fact, you’re such a failure that even my massive ego doesn’t want your worship anymore. You’re out of the fan club. Never use ellipses again.’

    That felt good.

    Anyhow, we enter Reactor 5 and it looks exactly the same as Reactor 1 except tinted blue. Nothing was really worth taking shots of.


    Here we go again…


    Uh ohhhh Spaghetti-o’s! Sephiroth, a legendary SOLDIER, is the man Squall wanted to be like as a kid! The drama begins to unfold.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Huh… Why am I remembering this now? Is this some sort of sign? Lockheart sure is angry… Know what is great while angry? Sex. I should bring up her dead father during sex.

    I’m a goddamn genius.’


    Squall proceeds as if nothing at all is wrong. The bomb is set. The game is on. No alarms this time. Could Jessie have actually done something right?


    Jessie, The Master of Buttons. I’m sure she had a real hard time deciphering this “code”. Let’s just take a second to reflect on what an amazing security precaution this is.

    I refuse to admit how many times it actually took me to open the door. Nonetheless, we make it through. It’s the home stretch! This was too easy.


    In a Shinra Reactor? That’s impossible! Turns out it was a trap. I knew it was too much to expect Jessie actually succeeded at something. A few ominous footsteps later”…


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Been over 10 years now… The land of television is just not the same without your neurotic but lovable antics.’

    As the story is finally being fleshed out a little more, I’m going to implement script portions in scenes where there’s simply a lot of text that may be important. Read them if you care.

    The script for the following scene:

    President Costanza
    "...Long time no see? Oh... you."
    "You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew
    you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes..."
    "Tell me, traitor... what was your name?"

    " Squall."

    President Costanza
    "Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each
    person's name."
    "Unless you become another Sephiroth."
    "Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..."

    (Squall steps back.)


    (Loaf runs forward.)

    "Don't give a damn 'bout none of that! This place'e goin' up with
    a big BANG soon! Serves y'all right!"

    President Costanza
    "And such a waste of good fireworks, just to get rid of vermin
    like you..."


    President Costanza: ‘Yeah? Well, you’re Emperor Vermin Infinity +1. Suck it.’

    He breaks out our opponent.


    The Shinra Model 149X Floor Buffer. It’ll buff the skin right off your face.


    Air Buster is sort of a unique boss battle in that it actually gives you an advantage by giving you the side attack. Why they programmed their robot soldier to be retarded is beyond me. Anyways, pretty much all physical attacks do increased damage against him (even when he’s facing the attacker, for some reason). I hit him so hard with a Braver that he explodeded.


    Aw hell nah


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Oh yeah, I’m just fucking peachy. I do this in my sleep. But just in case, I want my tombstone to read:’


    After a bit of dialogue about how everything will be okay even though all logic dictates that he’s fucked, Squall plummets to his demise.


    Well, that’s it for the Final Fantasy VII LP! Thanks for reading everyone!

    Oh, how I wish that were the case. Nevertheless, let’s press on.

    Squall “awakens” to Mysterious Inner Voice making a return.
    ...You all right?
    ...Can you hear me?


    Back then... You could get by with just skinned knees.....

    "What do you mean by 'back then'?"

    What about now? Can you get up?

    ".....What do you mean by 'that time'? .....What about now?"

    Don't worry about me. You just worry about yourself now.

    ".....I'll give it a try."
    Some Chick
    "Oh! He moved!"

    .....How about that?
    Take it slow now. Little by little.....

    Some Chick
    "Hello, hello?"

    ".....I know."

    "Hey... who are you?"

    Some Chick
    "Hello, hello!"


    cloudhead.jpg ‘God damnit, I know these flowers… Oh it’s you. I hope you’re ready to become a dress.’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Swear to God. Every woman. Boring as fuck.’


    I was gonna be nice but I couldn’t remember what she said for the drunk option, so I chose it.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Hey, I calls it like I sees it.’


    Wow, I wish real women were that forgiving. I planned on loading my previous save and being nice but meh. Looks like I’m dating Lockheart come Gold Saucer.


    cloudhead.jpg ‘Is it called Jessie materia by any chance?’


    cloudhead.jpg ‘I didn’t mention anything. (Seriously, he didn’t) If you’re high and holding out on me, I’m kicking you in the vagina.’


    Quite tempting to name her Slum Drunk right away, but I’ll give people a chance.

    End Notes: I don't know why the President is George. For some reason he always reminded me of him, despite not... really looking or being anything like him. Well, he is sort of short and stocky and I always thought it looked like he had glasses. So there.

    Adus on
  • cj iwakuracj iwakura The Rhythm Regent Rockin' ShoujoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Slum Drunk is tempting. The girl has been with pretty much every male in all of Midgar, and that's just the ones the game tells you about.

    cj iwakura on
  • SlayerVinSlayerVin Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I'm sitting here at work cracking up. This is great stuff. I haven't played it in so long that I've forgotten how absolutely terrible and confusing some of the dialog is.

    How about naming her "Crackabis"? You've still got the "is" at the end of her name, you're making a funny Nelson Mandela joke (if you've ever seen Ruddy Hell), and you're perpetuating your theory that she's actually a drug dealer. It's win-win-win!

    SlayerVin on
  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    So, you're asking for a rename of Aerith...

    ...Given the following reasons (all of which will be under a huge spoiler tag, so if you haven't completed it, or heard the plot, or have only just crawled out from under a rock, it's your own fault for clicking it :P ) :
    1. EVERYONE likes her. Cloud, Zack, Tseng, Don Corneo, Hojo, NPC #429... hell, I bet Yuffie still cries if you got her AFTER the Temple of the Ancients.

    2. She makes sure to completely fuck up any chance of Cloud and Tifa just, y'know, stop being so oblivious of the other's feelings, by making sure she commands his entire attention. The only thing stopping Tifa from pummelling her to death and hiding the body is (1).

    3. Her 'powers' allow for, but are not limited to, the following: healing without an item/materia, reviving without an item/materia, temporary invincibility, having an item of great power that is the centre of the entire plot, beating the shit out of chocobos with a parasol.

    4. She gets struck down, only to become more powerful than you could ever imagine... well, OK, maybe not THAT powerful, but she still commands the Lifestream to do whatever she feels like. As a result of her death, Cloud angsts at missing his chance to lose his virginity, completely ignoring the woman with watermelon-sized breasts who he's known since childhood.

    Therefore, I say we rename her "Mary Sue".

    BlitzAce1981 on
    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • FoodFood Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You should just name every character Sephiroth. (I actually did that once.)

    I always hated Jessie. Thanks for putting that bitch in her place.

    Food on
  • Cameron_TalleyCameron_Talley Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I've never had the opportunity to play FF VII.

    Also I'm hearing impaired so I hate Video LPs. Screenshots are preferred!

    So basically: This Thread Rocks.

    Oh and my GOD are those graphics dated now....I really hope they remake the game soon because I don't think I could play that...ugh...

    Cameron_Talley on
    Switch Friend Code: SW-4598-4278-8875
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  • EgosEgos Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Therefore, I say we rename her "Mary Sue".

    I like all that spoiler-tag information culminates to this 8-)

    Egos on
  • EvangirEvangir Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You need to name Aeris "Jessie."

    Evangir on
    PSN/XBL/STEAM: Evangir - Starcraft 2: Bulwark.955 - Origin: Bulwark955 - Diablo 3: Bulwark#1478
  • KorKor Known to detonate from time to time Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    For some reason labarbra just popped into my head. Perhaps too much futurama?

    Kor on
    DS Code: 3050-7671-2707
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