**You CAN Discuss In this Thread**
Okay, I know that there is already an active S and E M thread, but basically what I'm doing here is compiling all half decent ones into a single thread, or even into the original post! This way people that just want to read the stories (like me) can do so without having to rifle through all the discussion and insults etc. I hope to get all of this together within the next week so please try and be patient.
I have decided that they will all be in the original post (if that is possible) so feel free to use the rest of the thread for discussion.
Oh, and if there are any people who don't want to share their moments publically ( because they don't want to get into an argument or be messaged about it.) feel free to PM me and I'll add them in anominously.
Oh, and I could use some serious help with titles!
Finally, I would also like to take a manual poll on which Strange and Embarassing Moment is the best! You could also put forward your own... please...
The layout of each story would be something like this:
Poster's Name #1
I used to work at EB Games a few years back, and like alot of moms who come in to shop, the one I had in this story knew nothing about the game she was about to purchas for her kid. It was GTA: Vice City of course. Little Billy didn't look anymore than 7 years old, so I explained to her that this game probably wouldn't have been the best choice. I pointed out Katamari Damacy instead, and told her that not only was it just $20, she wouldn't have to worry about her kid running around blowing up hookers all day.
"Mom, what's a hooker?"
She was gonna kill me right there on the spot.
A Godly Tale
Well lemme see...strange/embarrasing moment...
Ahh yes. Back in college, I had a girlfriend who was rather rebellious compared to the rest of her family. She had come from a Chinese-Catholic family who stick to tradition. Specifically, they already didn't approve of her dating a Mexican who was majoring in Linguistics (I was actually minoring in Ling and majoring in Architecture). Well, my girlfriend made a case for me in that I was as Catholic as they were, which I was not. I haven't been to church since I skipped out on my First Communion when I was 12.
Anyways, my girlfriend's sister was in this church group and was putting on a show about how following God can help people make the right choices. My girlfriend was being dragged to see it so I figured I should go with her so she wouldn't suffer alone. So we sat and watched this whole play. I remember one scene had some court convicting some killer who just so happened to be the judge's son. So the judge takes the electric chair for him (yeah that one boggled my mind).
So, after he play, my and my gf go up to say hi to her sis and make a run for my car. Well, guess who else was there to watch the play? Yep, my girlfriend's mom was near the exit. So aside from the mindless Chinese chatter and constant looks I was getting from her mom, I pretty much was praying to any God to help us out. It got even worse when her mom asked me questions about the play and so forth, almost testing me. Each reply garnered me more angry or dissappointed looks. As the room was clearing out, I managed to walk out with my gf and her mom towards my car (me being in a rush and all).
My gf is in the passanger seat and talking through the window to her mom while I'm putting our umbrellas in the backseat. As her mom walks away, I get in the car and managed to slam my forehead super hard as I sit down. That's when I yell out "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" super loud surrounded by Catholics in a parking lot while my girlfriend's Catholic mom is a few feet away from us.
Rear Admiral Choco #3
When I was about 5 or 6, I went to a birthday party. I was just sitting around, doing my own thing. Playing video games (Long live Super Mario World!) and such with others. At some point I got bored and laid back on a beanbag chair when I heard some girl say "Lick my pee-pee." I was bewildered. I watched as some other girl actually did it. So...yeah. Weirdest thing I ever saw. My face...was like this:
As for an embarrasing moment, at my first school, there was a "Snack Program". Basically, you'd just pay a quarter each day for a snack in the morning. The damn kindies got their free snack though. I don't like small children. Anyway, I got a banana once, a fruit I'm not particularly fond of. I shoved it back in my desk and forgot about it. This was in December, I think. It stayed there until the end of the year. When I found it, it reeked! I almost threw up, then my teacher fished it out and showed it to the class. There was laughter.
I was a fairly chunky, out-of-shape kid all through high school, and a month-long car tour of Europe the summer before senior year didn't help; over the course of thirty days I managed to gain 40 pounds. Thankfully, my procrastination in scheduling classes left me with a full year of Phys Ed to look forward to, and in the end I lost the Eurofat and then some and ended up in the best shape of my life (aka a shape other than round). As part of the final testing we had to do the ubiquitous pull-ups, and I proudly did as many as I could, which was now a number greater than zero. I forget what the required number was for an A, but I was one short. I summoned all my strength and, shaking with exertion, pulled with every fiber of my being; unfortunately several of those fibers were abdominal, and the stress released one of the loudest, squeakiest farts the world has ever known. I immediately let go and hit the floor laughing, joining the thirty-odd guys sitting around watching.
Marking my B down his book, the coach turned to me and said "Think that's the first time anyone's tried jet propulsion on that one."
Early last week around Monday/Tuesday I noticed a little boil on my upper leg. I figured it was going to be like all the other boils I got and just kinda go away after a few days. So Thursday rolls around and it's still there and maybe a little bigger. Of course, this is the weekend my folks are coming in from out of town to visit me. Friday it's starting to be a little painful, but I manage and walk around doing the various tourist type crap with the rents.
Saturday morning I wake up and it feels like I've got a flaming golf ball stuck in my leg. Now I've always had a pretty high pain tolerance which has gotten me into trouble before. So I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and see this huge red blob sitting on my leg that just hurts to look at.
So I go off to clinic to get it looked at. First in is the nurse. She comes in, looks at it and says, "Wow, that's the biggest abscess I've ever seen." So she goes out and gets the NP, who comes in a says pretty much the same thing. Of course, they then both go out, get the attending, who comes in and says "Wow, that's a really big abscess". So I've got three people all standing around looking at this abscess I've got on my leg right below my ass cheek. So now they're going to lance the sucker. Now I get to lay down on my stomach with my ass in the air while all these fine folks get to poke and prod my butt and force a foreign substance out of it. And they decided to get a couple more nurses and doctors in there to look at the awesomenss that was my abscess. So know there's at least 5 people in the exam room looking at my butt. After a few minutes of brain searing pain it's taken care off, but not before they ask me if it's ok to take pictures for a case study. And did I mention how much all the pus and blood stink? God it smelled like something died in there. And now I've got pictures of my hairy ass that are going to show up in some journal somewhere.
So now I get to walk around all week with a big wad of gauze shoved into an open wound on my leg that's still leaking pus, blood and god knows what else all over my clothes, my work chair and anything else I sit on. At least when I started talking about it with my boss he decided he didn't want all the details and let me work from home for a while.
Humanoid Eggplant #6
All Over the Bed... And the Dad...
One day last winter I jacked off somewhat early for me, around 7-8 at night. I did it laying in my bed, and came all over the bottom side of the covers. I usually do that when it's late and I'm too lazy and too horny to get something to clean it up, so I figured what the fuck.
So I settled in a chair I have next to my bed that i sit in when I'm on the computer, planning on watching some tv. Well not 5 minutes after I busted off, my dad came in to see what I was doing. He usually comes in just to shoot the shit and see what I'm watching or whatever. I knew he was going to do, and it was in slow motion like some kind of horrible accident that I couldn't process fast enough. Well he hops onto my bed to watch some tv as well and wrapped the jizz covered comforter up over him and just froze. He looked like he had just been stabbed. From how he was laying, I'd estimate the majority of the splooge was pasted to the front of his shirt. Anyway, he snapped out of it, jumped up and said "cya" and walked out of the room.
Just Foolin' Around
Back when I was in high school my girlfriend and I spent every Sunday night at her parents’ house. After supper she and I would head down stairs to watch some TV and fool around. And best of all we could do this without any of the normal sneaking around that this might usually require. You see her father always had something on Sunday nights in the winter it was curling and bowling in the summer. And her mom would be puttering around the house and cooking the meals for the week all the while music would be playing and we could hear her dancing around and singing up stairs. Best of all we knew when to wrap things up because the last thing she would do was vacuum the floors.
Now on this night everything was going as usual dinner was great, her dad was out, she and I down stairs totally into each other, and mom up stairs singing her head off to a new album she had just bought. My girlfriend and I where right in the middle of the kind of making out that only teenagers can get up too when we heard the vacuum switch on followed by the dogs barking and running into her parents' bedroom. We decided to keep going when all of a sudden her mom screams....kind of and then something hits the floor. I tidy myself up quickly and run upstairs my girlfriend quickly behind me. The music is really loud so I run over to her mom and tell my girlfriend to turn off the music. Her mom is lying on the ground shaking a bit, muttering, breathing really hard, and making a face that I'd seen before but…couldn't…quite….place. I try and help her up and she squeezes the crap out of my hand and starts gasping. With my ears still buzzing I yelled at my girlfriend "Is she alright? Is she having an attach of some kind." Then her mom very quickly eases up on my hand, pulls herself together, gets up turns beet red, and runs into her bedroom the dogs come running out and she slams the door. This is when i noticed that the buzzing that I had thought was in my ears had stopped. Now from here things are a bit blurry for me I have no idea what's going on all I remember is her dad coming home she and I explaining what happened him running into their bed room, and me leaving just after that. I asked my girlfriend the next day what happened she said her mom was fine and that that is all her mom would say. I asked both of them about it several times in the next few weeks but got nothing from my girlfriend, and when I asked her mom she would turn red and say it was nothing so I dropped it.
A few months ago I asked my now mother in-law about what happened, she laughed a bit then asked if I was sure, I said yes, she had become just as much of a friend to me as a mother figure over the past years and I was ready for anything plus we were both pretty drunk. It turns out that Sunday is sex night for my in-laws and that particular night she wanted to get herself ready so she put on a pair or wireless vibrating panties turned them on low and went about her Sunday routine with a smile. Turns out she forgot to put the remote away that goes with the panties and when she turn on the vacuum the dogs ran into the bedroom lied down on the bed, where she had left the remote, and turned the vibrator on full. We laughed our butts off when I told her that my wife and her mom have the same O face.
A few years ago I was at the zoo with my parents and my cousin, who was 5 or 6 years old at the time. We are looking at the cougars or some sort of cat, I don't remember exactly, when one walks right in front of where we are. Following behind is another cougar, who then decides it's a good time to mate.
Then my cousin asks me "What are they doing?"
Not wanting to have to explain the birds and the bees to my cousin, I say "They're arguing... about... whether or not to have kids. I think the male is winning".
Dirty Neuron #9
Reliving High School Biology
Okay, this will sound stupid. In fact, you may possibly wonder if I had been repeatedly dropped on my head as a child. I do not know the answer to that question, but I can supply a statement of "it would SEEM so"
That being said, have you ever heard the joke, two muffins are in the oven, one turns to the other and says, "man it's hot in here" to which the other replies "OMG a talking muffin!"
I do not know why, I dare say I never will. But no matter how often I hear that joke, I can not stop myself from chuckling. Perhaps it is because I believe in the higher station of the muffin in our grand life cycle, or maybe something is not clicking right in my head.
Either way, I had first heard it back in Sophomore year of High School. It was at the tale end of a passing period, and I had started laughing a quiet laugh, soft, soothing, pleasant. I do not laugh often, and I often wonder if I have broken my funny bone sometime in the distant past. Either way, quiet chuckles for me are the BEST chuckles, because unaccustomed laughs that... well I'll get to that in a bit.
I had made it to class, Biology, and we were doing pig dissection. For some strange reason, the joke stuck with me. And as the teacher was handing out lab groups, assigning us trays, and handing us our projects, the joke continued to ruminate over and over between the vast space betwixt my ears. Again and again, the joke cycled. Again and again, I was looking at it in a new, strange light, and each time, I was finding it more hilarious than before.
Finally, I cants takes no more.
The class was already in full swing, the groups were already, figuratively, elbow deep into the meat of the project, and I start laughing... first quietly, then seemingly more loudly, until it is almost a breathless giggle, and then... with the piercing gale of full blown insane laughter, shrieks and gasps as I try desperately to get a single noxiously delicious gulp of formaldehyde laden air, and yet I am drowning upon my own muffin-related-mind-rot.
The entire class had stopped, they are staring at me as if I had suddenly exploded into flames. The tears are blocking my vision, I can no longer see. The sounds of nearly never used vocal chords rips across all attempts at breaking through to me.
It would have been a simple matter if it had lasted a simple minute, or 5. I would have been happy with that. No. I would not be so fortunate. It had lasted a half an hour atleast, by the end I was sore, breathless, and on the floor gasping like many a drowning victim saved by a lucky life guard. And I was summarily sent to detention for being disruptive.
Dirty Neuron #10
High School Lunch Discussions
This would require some back story. When I was still attending High School, there was a reasonably well respected math teacher of great Stature... However, though he was an excellent teacher, he was a bit of a hard ass. And he had horrible taste in fashion. So much so, that he had affected the signature outfit of an all purple sweat suit, which did not compliment his pear shaped body at all. This is important later.
During lunch one time, a few friends and I had started a very strange discussion of the different possibilities the potential dissection of various mascots would result in. There were the strange examples, there were the unusual examples, and many that I could not hope to recall at this time. Needless to say, we were all a bit out of our mind at the time, since each of us had our own vices, and mine was surprisingly the most normal of all... Staying up for days at a time, often creating role playing character sheets. This is opposed to indulging in various substances that promised to 'warp your fucking mind' in some degree or another. What can I say, I am lame.
Somehow we had moved the list of potential mascot mutilation stories to include Grimis, the loveable purple mascot for McD's. The questions of "what is he made of" and "is it actually meat, or is a gel substance" to "is there a bone structure to his form at all?" with the coup de grace of something to the effect 'If you were to cut his leg off, would it be similar to a ham roast, with the bone surrounded by a thick near gelatinous outer covering?'
I had a found giggle out of this exchange. It was on my mind later, as I had heard the bell and stopped into the second floor bathrooms to relieve myself. I had finished my task, but I was still standing at the urinal when the aforementioned mathmatics teacher walks in, wearing a giant purple sweatshirt/pants combo. I could not help it, I started giggling but I forced myself to contain it. That created a giggle cycle of repeatedly holding in each new bout of laughter built up until I was shaking from the contained merriment.
Needless to say I was drawing attention to myself.
The teacher had turned from his task at washing his hands, and was looking at me closely, wondering if I happened to be on something, or perhaps having some sort of fit. I can not recall which, but he had made some mention of trying to get my attention, or to have me turn towards him, and finally I could not handle it any longer. I quickly turned towards him and screamed "GRIMIS!" and ran out of the rest room and down the hall as fast as my sneakers could carry me, the entire time shrieking peals of laughter like a mad-person.
Dirty Neuron #11
The Trees Have Eyes
There is a strange little park not too far from my house. It is circular, but in a spiraled shape around a man made lake. There is a fountain, which seems ironic, and several benches set up along the ring of the lake, some of them more secluded than others.
I had often enjoyed coming to the park, not only because many people would often violate the 'no swimming' sign and go for a dip, but also because many people would often walk through it, and several of the people were my age, and quite attractive.
I know what you're thinking, "In a park? You went to a park alone? To do that?!" No, not alone. But I'm getting to that.
An exe of mine got together one time to share stories and talk about what’s been happening in our lives. We were both walking down memory lane (the irony is not lost on me, since it’s often called memory lane in the park, wanted to mention that but didn’t want it to be a lame mention) and it had somehow gotten into the topic of relationships. Normally its not a wise move to talk about this subject with people you have been with in the past, it simply causes tension or stress. Or awkward conversations. This was one of them.
We had both been single for a while after splitting; deciding that getting into another relationship wasn’t that good of an Idea. Granted, we were both possibly nymphos so it all made sense that we would both be suffering from the same feelings of misplaced lust. We had spent a good quarter of an hour sharing thoughts, ideas, and I had gotten into talking about how I started writing smut. She loved the idea and demanded that I explain one of my stories, retell it as it were.
I'm normally very private when it comes to sharing stuff I write. It’s a bad habit of mine, which I'm trying to break myself out of. So I said what the hell and began to recount one of the stories I had wrote. She was surprised, not by the fact that I wrote it, but it had been one of the encounters we had, and I apparently told the story quite well, because she was already blushing and breathing heavily by the time I finished.
We had circled the man made lake a few times during the walk, and I stopped to rest my legs on one of the benches. It was a pretty warm day, and humid at that, so there weren’t many people out and about. I had noticed this, and so did she.
I mentioned the fact, rather with too much emphasis and she started laughing at me, and much to my surprise she kissed me. Not the kiss of friends mind you, the much more deep, passionate kiss of people that are either in love, or in lust.
Suddenly I did not have a thought in my head, it was all need. But instead of giving in to my desires and ripping off my clothes, (don’t ask me why I didn't, I actually kind of wish I did thinking back on it) and I instead pulled her onto my lap.
It was hot, a little humid but the spray from the fountain and the breeze off the lake cooled us, and it was a perfect summer day for shorts. I had on a pair and so did she, but the way I was holding her close to me, kissing her, and biting her lips, she could not reach me.
[Self edit to remove gratuitous smut]
She rocked hard against me, and I nearly tipped backwards off the bench, but I was able to hold her, and steady myself. It was then that she started to orgasm, her body shaking, her breath coming hot and fast against my ear. She wrapped her arms around me to keep from falling backwards and that was the only thing that saved the situation from becoming really awkward.
For it was at this time that two new mothers with their bundles of joy in strollers came by. It was strange, they should not have been there, but the way she was holding me tight it blocked all view of my hand inside of her, her nipples taught and hard against the thin fabric of her shirt, and the tears in her eyes and the half breathless sobs of pleasure made it look like I was consoling her, providing a shoulder to cry on. When the two mothers passed, I made mention of it and she promptly bit said shoulder.
Sadly, I had not help in getting off myself, for she was suddenly very self conscious of the situation, and bid me farewell. I turned my back on the pond and beat off like a jackhammer... I couldn't help it.
It was not until I had opened my eyes that I noticed two very important facts.
The first that I noticed was that there was a woodchuck sitting at the bottom of one of the trees. It looked at me, still as a statue, holding a nut in its tiny little hands and just STARING at me. If this was not enough to give me the creeps, the next part was.
Apparently there had been some vandalism in the past few weeks, some kids had thrown a large amount of dish soap into the public fountain, causing somewhere in the excess of $100 of damage/cleaning/repair. So they had installed security cameras around the park at various locations. The only saving grace from being possibly mentioned in the local post, or having my likeness searched out would have been a very, VERY well placed limb. That was one of the last forays into Exhibitionism.
In my relentless-teenage-masturbation stage, I faced one major obstacle: the computer, which was my main source of porn, was kept in the living room, which had no door. Sometimes I printed things up and took them to my room, but once in awhile my entire family would finally go somewhere else for a few hours and I would be left alone. Just me, a bunch of improvised sex toys, and all the porn you can download in an hour on a dial-up connection. (Hey, I took what I could get.)
It was on one such occaision that this story takes place. My parents and little brothers had gone out to eat and I was looking forward to uninterrupted hours of Sailor Moon and Gundam Wing hentai. It was truly an epic session, involving pretty much everything I'd ever used as a dildo, but lotion bottles are a funny shape and I wasn't making the mistake of using the baton again.
Inspiration struck like lightning to the lifeless body of the Frankenstein monster, and with just as dubious a result. I went and got a cucumber from the fridge.
Let me tell you, I had a ball with that cucumber. I was lying on the floor with my pants down, happily working away at myself, when I heard the garage door open. Horror of horrors, my parents had come home early.
There's a lot one has to accomplish in situations like that, but I reassembled my clothing, cleared the browser cache, hid the assorted bottles and such, and was about to go throw the cucumber away.
It almost worked. My parents opened the kitchen door right when I was walking into the kitchen, cucumber in hand. Panicking as quietly as I could, I greeted them and opened the fridge. You see, I figured that, for my cover, I'd pretend to have been making a salad, and then throw away the cucumber as soon as they went upstairs.
This was, of course, the exact moment my parents chose to have a long, involved talk with me about my grades. In the kitchen. With me holding a cucumber that had very recently been used for terrible, terrible purposes.
Well, what could I do? I was utterly trapped. So, I made a cucumber-heavy salad and ate it in front of my parents, who thought my burning face had to do with my less-than-stellar progress report.
The worst part? My mom kept trying to steal bits of cucumber off my plate.
Okay, so like I mentioned previously, I was basically a masturbating machine as a teenager. I'd discovered fanfic as an endless, free source of kinky porn that I could print out and hide in my room, and while I figured a lot of it wasn't too realistic, I had no idea of how much. Anyway, so I'd found this Sailor Moon (shut up!) tentacle porn fic that really got me turned on, and while obviously I couldn't replicate tentacles, I figured I'd try out the other major element in the story: hot wax.
Note to readers: don't ever, ever, EVER do what I'm about to relate.
So I got a candle, being careful to choose an unscented one because, oh-so-cleverly, I figured scented wax would be bad for my girlybits. Obviously I was missing a major issue, but teenagers are dumb. I locked the door, fapped for awhile by candlelight, and when I figured the moment was right, dripped some hot wax.
Directly onto my clit.
And then started screaming, because HOT WAX ON MY CLIT.
Which woke up the rest of my family, because I was screaming bloody murder and they thought I was actually getting bloodily murdered, and my door was locked. Somehow I managed to knock the candle over, which sprayed hot wax across the room and set the carpet on fire a little, and while I was frantically trying to put that out while keeping my legs as far apart as possible so as to not touch my burned clit, my entire family was yelling and pounding on the door and sending my brother to get the phone so they could call the police.
Anyway, I managed to put the carpet out by dumping a coke on it, pulled some pyjama pants on, and unlocked the door before my dad succeeded in calling the police. At this point my room was smoky and smelled like scorched carpet, so I lied and said I'd fallen asleep with a candle burning and knocked it over accidentally. I ended up grounded for a week and had to clean the carpet (and dried wax is a bitch to clean, by the way. I just cut it out of my pubes.) My parents kept asking me why I was so grouchy, since I had to go around for ages with burnt genitals, and at the time I didn't own any skirts, so the seams of my jeans were torture.
My family still teases me about almost burning down the house, and I thank every deity I can think of that they bought that story.