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Strange and Embarassing Moments: now in book form!
Chris Redfield
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
**You CAN Discuss In this Thread**
Okay, I know that there is already an active S and E M thread, but basically what I'm doing here is compiling all half decent ones into a single thread, or even into the original post! This way people that just want to read the stories (like me) can do so without having to rifle through all the discussion and insults etc. I hope to get all of this together within the next week so please try and be patient.
EDIT: I have decided that they will all be in the original post (if that is possible) so feel free to use the rest of the thread for discussion.
Oh, and if there are any people who don't want to share their moments publically ( because they don't want to get into an argument or be messaged about it.) feel free to PM me and I'll add them in anominously.
Oh, and I could use some serious help with titles!
Finally, I would also like to take a manual poll on which Strange and Embarassing Moment is the best! You could also put forward your own... please...
The layout of each story would be something like this:
Poster's Name #1
Title
Story (example): I used to work at EB Games a few years back, and like alot of moms who come in to shop, the one I had in this story knew nothing about the game she was about to purchas for her kid. It was GTA: Vice City of course. Little Billy didn't look anymore than 7 years old, so I explained to her that this game probably wouldn't have been the best choice. I pointed out Katamari Damacy instead, and told her that not only was it just $20, she wouldn't have to worry about her kid running around blowing up hookers all day.
"Mom, what's a hooker?"
She was gonna kill me right there on the spot.
Arikado #2
A Godly Tale
Well lemme see...strange/embarrasing moment...
Ahh yes. Back in college, I had a girlfriend who was rather rebellious compared to the rest of her family. She had come from a Chinese-Catholic family who stick to tradition. Specifically, they already didn't approve of her dating a Mexican who was majoring in Linguistics (I was actually minoring in Ling and majoring in Architecture). Well, my girlfriend made a case for me in that I was as Catholic as they were, which I was not. I haven't been to church since I skipped out on my First Communion when I was 12.
Anyways, my girlfriend's sister was in this church group and was putting on a show about how following God can help people make the right choices. My girlfriend was being dragged to see it so I figured I should go with her so she wouldn't suffer alone. So we sat and watched this whole play. I remember one scene had some court convicting some killer who just so happened to be the judge's son. So the judge takes the electric chair for him (yeah that one boggled my mind).
So, after he play, my and my gf go up to say hi to her sis and make a run for my car. Well, guess who else was there to watch the play? Yep, my girlfriend's mom was near the exit. So aside from the mindless Chinese chatter and constant looks I was getting from her mom, I pretty much was praying to any God to help us out. It got even worse when her mom asked me questions about the play and so forth, almost testing me. Each reply garnered me more angry or dissappointed looks. As the room was clearing out, I managed to walk out with my gf and her mom towards my car (me being in a rush and all).
My gf is in the passanger seat and talking through the window to her mom while I'm putting our umbrellas in the backseat. As her mom walks away, I get in the car and managed to slam my forehead super hard as I sit down. That's when I yell out "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" super loud surrounded by Catholics in a parking lot while my girlfriend's Catholic mom is a few feet away from us.
Yeah...
Rear Admiral Choco #3
Snack Program
When I was about 5 or 6, I went to a birthday party. I was just sitting around, doing my own thing. Playing video games (Long live Super Mario World!) and such with others. At some point I got bored and laid back on a beanbag chair when I heard some girl say "Lick my pee-pee." I was bewildered. I watched as some other girl actually did it. So...yeah. Weirdest thing I ever saw. My face...was like this:
As for an embarrasing moment, at my first school, there was a "Snack Program". Basically, you'd just pay a quarter each day for a snack in the morning. The damn kindies got their free snack though. I don't like small children. Anyway, I got a banana once, a fruit I'm not particularly fond of. I shoved it back in my desk and forgot about it. This was in December, I think. It stayed there until the end of the year. When I found it, it reeked! I almost threw up, then my teacher fished it out and showed it to the class. There was laughter.
Bitstream #4
Jet Propulsion
I was a fairly chunky, out-of-shape kid all through high school, and a month-long car tour of Europe the summer before senior year didn't help; over the course of thirty days I managed to gain 40 pounds. Thankfully, my procrastination in scheduling classes left me with a full year of Phys Ed to look forward to, and in the end I lost the Eurofat and then some and ended up in the best shape of my life (aka a shape other than round). As part of the final testing we had to do the ubiquitous pull-ups, and I proudly did as many as I could, which was now a number greater than zero. I forget what the required number was for an A, but I was one short. I summoned all my strength and, shaking with exertion, pulled with every fiber of my being; unfortunately several of those fibers were abdominal, and the stress released one of the loudest, squeakiest farts the world has ever known. I immediately let go and hit the floor laughing, joining the thirty-odd guys sitting around watching.
Marking my B down his book, the coach turned to me and said "Think that's the first time anyone's tried jet propulsion on that one."
Kakodaimonos #5
Abscess Crowd
Early last week around Monday/Tuesday I noticed a little boil on my upper leg. I figured it was going to be like all the other boils I got and just kinda go away after a few days. So Thursday rolls around and it's still there and maybe a little bigger. Of course, this is the weekend my folks are coming in from out of town to visit me. Friday it's starting to be a little painful, but I manage and walk around doing the various tourist type crap with the rents.
Saturday morning I wake up and it feels like I've got a flaming golf ball stuck in my leg. Now I've always had a pretty high pain tolerance which has gotten me into trouble before. So I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and see this huge red blob sitting on my leg that just hurts to look at.
So I go off to clinic to get it looked at. First in is the nurse. She comes in, looks at it and says, "Wow, that's the biggest abscess I've ever seen." So she goes out and gets the NP, who comes in a says pretty much the same thing. Of course, they then both go out, get the attending, who comes in and says "Wow, that's a really big abscess". So I've got three people all standing around looking at this abscess I've got on my leg right below my ass cheek. So now they're going to lance the sucker. Now I get to lay down on my stomach with my ass in the air while all these fine folks get to poke and prod my butt and force a foreign substance out of it. And they decided to get a couple more nurses and doctors in there to look at the awesomenss that was my abscess. So know there's at least 5 people in the exam room looking at my butt. After a few minutes of brain searing pain it's taken care off, but not before they ask me if it's ok to take pictures for a case study. And did I mention how much all the pus and blood stink? God it smelled like something died in there. And now I've got pictures of my hairy ass that are going to show up in some journal somewhere.
So now I get to walk around all week with a big wad of gauze shoved into an open wound on my leg that's still leaking pus, blood and god knows what else all over my clothes, my work chair and anything else I sit on. At least when I started talking about it with my boss he decided he didn't want all the details and let me work from home for a while.
Humanoid Eggplant #6
All Over the Bed... And the Dad...
One day last winter I jacked off somewhat early for me, around 7-8 at night. I did it laying in my bed, and came all over the bottom side of the covers. I usually do that when it's late and I'm too lazy and too horny to get something to clean it up, so I figured what the fuck.
So I settled in a chair I have next to my bed that i sit in when I'm on the computer, planning on watching some tv. Well not 5 minutes after I busted off, my dad came in to see what I was doing. He usually comes in just to shoot the shit and see what I'm watching or whatever. I knew he was going to do, and it was in slow motion like some kind of horrible accident that I couldn't process fast enough. Well he hops onto my bed to watch some tv as well and wrapped the jizz covered comforter up over him and just froze. He looked like he had just been stabbed. From how he was laying, I'd estimate the majority of the splooge was pasted to the front of his shirt. Anyway, he snapped out of it, jumped up and said "cya" and walked out of the room.
TheFullMetalChicken #7
Just Foolin' Around
Back when I was in high school my girlfriend and I spent every Sunday night at her parents’ house. After supper she and I would head down stairs to watch some TV and fool around. And best of all we could do this without any of the normal sneaking around that this might usually require. You see her father always had something on Sunday nights in the winter it was curling and bowling in the summer. And her mom would be puttering around the house and cooking the meals for the week all the while music would be playing and we could hear her dancing around and singing up stairs. Best of all we knew when to wrap things up because the last thing she would do was vacuum the floors.
Now on this night everything was going as usual dinner was great, her dad was out, she and I down stairs totally into each other, and mom up stairs singing her head off to a new album she had just bought. My girlfriend and I where right in the middle of the kind of making out that only teenagers can get up too when we heard the vacuum switch on followed by the dogs barking and running into her parents' bedroom. We decided to keep going when all of a sudden her mom screams....kind of and then something hits the floor. I tidy myself up quickly and run upstairs my girlfriend quickly behind me. The music is really loud so I run over to her mom and tell my girlfriend to turn off the music. Her mom is lying on the ground shaking a bit, muttering, breathing really hard, and making a face that I'd seen before but…couldn't…quite….place. I try and help her up and she squeezes the crap out of my hand and starts gasping. With my ears still buzzing I yelled at my girlfriend "Is she alright? Is she having an attach of some kind." Then her mom very quickly eases up on my hand, pulls herself together, gets up turns beet red, and runs into her bedroom the dogs come running out and she slams the door. This is when i noticed that the buzzing that I had thought was in my ears had stopped. Now from here things are a bit blurry for me I have no idea what's going on all I remember is her dad coming home she and I explaining what happened him running into their bed room, and me leaving just after that. I asked my girlfriend the next day what happened she said her mom was fine and that that is all her mom would say. I asked both of them about it several times in the next few weeks but got nothing from my girlfriend, and when I asked her mom she would turn red and say it was nothing so I dropped it.
A few months ago I asked my now mother in-law about what happened, she laughed a bit then asked if I was sure, I said yes, she had become just as much of a friend to me as a mother figure over the past years and I was ready for anything plus we were both pretty drunk. It turns out that Sunday is sex night for my in-laws and that particular night she wanted to get herself ready so she put on a pair or wireless vibrating panties turned them on low and went about her Sunday routine with a smile. Turns out she forgot to put the remote away that goes with the panties and when she turn on the vacuum the dogs ran into the bedroom lied down on the bed, where she had left the remote, and turned the vibrator on full. We laughed our butts off when I told her that my wife and her mom have the same O face.
asmileyemo #8
Cougar Kids
A few years ago I was at the zoo with my parents and my cousin, who was 5 or 6 years old at the time. We are looking at the cougars or some sort of cat, I don't remember exactly, when one walks right in front of where we are. Following behind is another cougar, who then decides it's a good time to mate.
Then my cousin asks me "What are they doing?"
Not wanting to have to explain the birds and the bees to my cousin, I say "They're arguing... about... whether or not to have kids. I think the male is winning".
Dirty Neuron #9
Reliving High School Biology
Okay, this will sound stupid. In fact, you may possibly wonder if I had been repeatedly dropped on my head as a child. I do not know the answer to that question, but I can supply a statement of "it would SEEM so"
That being said, have you ever heard the joke, two muffins are in the oven, one turns to the other and says, "man it's hot in here" to which the other replies "OMG a talking muffin!"
I do not know why, I dare say I never will. But no matter how often I hear that joke, I can not stop myself from chuckling. Perhaps it is because I believe in the higher station of the muffin in our grand life cycle, or maybe something is not clicking right in my head.
Either way, I had first heard it back in Sophomore year of High School. It was at the tale end of a passing period, and I had started laughing a quiet laugh, soft, soothing, pleasant. I do not laugh often, and I often wonder if I have broken my funny bone sometime in the distant past. Either way, quiet chuckles for me are the BEST chuckles, because unaccustomed laughs that... well I'll get to that in a bit.
I had made it to class, Biology, and we were doing pig dissection. For some strange reason, the joke stuck with me. And as the teacher was handing out lab groups, assigning us trays, and handing us our projects, the joke continued to ruminate over and over between the vast space betwixt my ears. Again and again, the joke cycled. Again and again, I was looking at it in a new, strange light, and each time, I was finding it more hilarious than before.
Finally, I cants takes no more.
The class was already in full swing, the groups were already, figuratively, elbow deep into the meat of the project, and I start laughing... first quietly, then seemingly more loudly, until it is almost a breathless giggle, and then... with the piercing gale of full blown insane laughter, shrieks and gasps as I try desperately to get a single noxiously delicious gulp of formaldehyde laden air, and yet I am drowning upon my own muffin-related-mind-rot.
The entire class had stopped, they are staring at me as if I had suddenly exploded into flames. The tears are blocking my vision, I can no longer see. The sounds of nearly never used vocal chords rips across all attempts at breaking through to me.
It would have been a simple matter if it had lasted a simple minute, or 5. I would have been happy with that. No. I would not be so fortunate. It had lasted a half an hour atleast, by the end I was sore, breathless, and on the floor gasping like many a drowning victim saved by a lucky life guard. And I was summarily sent to detention for being disruptive.
Dirty Neuron #10
High School Lunch Discussions
This would require some back story. When I was still attending High School, there was a reasonably well respected math teacher of great Stature... However, though he was an excellent teacher, he was a bit of a hard ass. And he had horrible taste in fashion. So much so, that he had affected the signature outfit of an all purple sweat suit, which did not compliment his pear shaped body at all. This is important later.
During lunch one time, a few friends and I had started a very strange discussion of the different possibilities the potential dissection of various mascots would result in. There were the strange examples, there were the unusual examples, and many that I could not hope to recall at this time. Needless to say, we were all a bit out of our mind at the time, since each of us had our own vices, and mine was surprisingly the most normal of all... Staying up for days at a time, often creating role playing character sheets. This is opposed to indulging in various substances that promised to 'warp your fucking mind' in some degree or another. What can I say, I am lame.
Somehow we had moved the list of potential mascot mutilation stories to include Grimis, the loveable purple mascot for McD's. The questions of "what is he made of" and "is it actually meat, or is a gel substance" to "is there a bone structure to his form at all?" with the coup de grace of something to the effect 'If you were to cut his leg off, would it be similar to a ham roast, with the bone surrounded by a thick near gelatinous outer covering?'
I had a found giggle out of this exchange. It was on my mind later, as I had heard the bell and stopped into the second floor bathrooms to relieve myself. I had finished my task, but I was still standing at the urinal when the aforementioned mathmatics teacher walks in, wearing a giant purple sweatshirt/pants combo. I could not help it, I started giggling but I forced myself to contain it. That created a giggle cycle of repeatedly holding in each new bout of laughter built up until I was shaking from the contained merriment.
Needless to say I was drawing attention to myself.
The teacher had turned from his task at washing his hands, and was looking at me closely, wondering if I happened to be on something, or perhaps having some sort of fit. I can not recall which, but he had made some mention of trying to get my attention, or to have me turn towards him, and finally I could not handle it any longer. I quickly turned towards him and screamed "GRIMIS!" and ran out of the rest room and down the hall as fast as my sneakers could carry me, the entire time shrieking peals of laughter like a mad-person.
Dirty Neuron #11
The Trees Have Eyes
There is a strange little park not too far from my house. It is circular, but in a spiraled shape around a man made lake. There is a fountain, which seems ironic, and several benches set up along the ring of the lake, some of them more secluded than others.
I had often enjoyed coming to the park, not only because many people would often violate the 'no swimming' sign and go for a dip, but also because many people would often walk through it, and several of the people were my age, and quite attractive.
I know what you're thinking, "In a park? You went to a park alone? To do that?!" No, not alone. But I'm getting to that.
An exe of mine got together one time to share stories and talk about what’s been happening in our lives. We were both walking down memory lane (the irony is not lost on me, since it’s often called memory lane in the park, wanted to mention that but didn’t want it to be a lame mention) and it had somehow gotten into the topic of relationships. Normally its not a wise move to talk about this subject with people you have been with in the past, it simply causes tension or stress. Or awkward conversations. This was one of them.
We had both been single for a while after splitting; deciding that getting into another relationship wasn’t that good of an Idea. Granted, we were both possibly nymphos so it all made sense that we would both be suffering from the same feelings of misplaced lust. We had spent a good quarter of an hour sharing thoughts, ideas, and I had gotten into talking about how I started writing smut. She loved the idea and demanded that I explain one of my stories, retell it as it were.
I'm normally very private when it comes to sharing stuff I write. It’s a bad habit of mine, which I'm trying to break myself out of. So I said what the hell and began to recount one of the stories I had wrote. She was surprised, not by the fact that I wrote it, but it had been one of the encounters we had, and I apparently told the story quite well, because she was already blushing and breathing heavily by the time I finished.
We had circled the man made lake a few times during the walk, and I stopped to rest my legs on one of the benches. It was a pretty warm day, and humid at that, so there weren’t many people out and about. I had noticed this, and so did she.
I mentioned the fact, rather with too much emphasis and she started laughing at me, and much to my surprise she kissed me. Not the kiss of friends mind you, the much more deep, passionate kiss of people that are either in love, or in lust.
Suddenly I did not have a thought in my head, it was all need. But instead of giving in to my desires and ripping off my clothes, (don’t ask me why I didn't, I actually kind of wish I did thinking back on it) and I instead pulled her onto my lap.
It was hot, a little humid but the spray from the fountain and the breeze off the lake cooled us, and it was a perfect summer day for shorts. I had on a pair and so did she, but the way I was holding her close to me, kissing her, and biting her lips, she could not reach me.
[Self edit to remove gratuitous smut]
She rocked hard against me, and I nearly tipped backwards off the bench, but I was able to hold her, and steady myself. It was then that she started to orgasm, her body shaking, her breath coming hot and fast against my ear. She wrapped her arms around me to keep from falling backwards and that was the only thing that saved the situation from becoming really awkward.
For it was at this time that two new mothers with their bundles of joy in strollers came by. It was strange, they should not have been there, but the way she was holding me tight it blocked all view of my hand inside of her, her nipples taught and hard against the thin fabric of her shirt, and the tears in her eyes and the half breathless sobs of pleasure made it look like I was consoling her, providing a shoulder to cry on. When the two mothers passed, I made mention of it and she promptly bit said shoulder.
Sadly, I had not help in getting off myself, for she was suddenly very self conscious of the situation, and bid me farewell. I turned my back on the pond and beat off like a jackhammer... I couldn't help it.
It was not until I had opened my eyes that I noticed two very important facts.
The first that I noticed was that there was a woodchuck sitting at the bottom of one of the trees. It looked at me, still as a statue, holding a nut in its tiny little hands and just STARING at me. If this was not enough to give me the creeps, the next part was.
Apparently there had been some vandalism in the past few weeks, some kids had thrown a large amount of dish soap into the public fountain, causing somewhere in the excess of $100 of damage/cleaning/repair. So they had installed security cameras around the park at various locations. The only saving grace from being possibly mentioned in the local post, or having my likeness searched out would have been a very, VERY well placed limb. That was one of the last forays into Exhibitionism.
Trowizilla #12
The Cucumber
In my relentless-teenage-masturbation stage, I faced one major obstacle: the computer, which was my main source of porn, was kept in the living room, which had no door. Sometimes I printed things up and took them to my room, but once in awhile my entire family would finally go somewhere else for a few hours and I would be left alone. Just me, a bunch of improvised sex toys, and all the porn you can download in an hour on a dial-up connection. (Hey, I took what I could get.)
It was on one such occaision that this story takes place. My parents and little brothers had gone out to eat and I was looking forward to uninterrupted hours of Sailor Moon and Gundam Wing hentai. It was truly an epic session, involving pretty much everything I'd ever used as a dildo, but lotion bottles are a funny shape and I wasn't making the mistake of using the baton again.
Inspiration struck like lightning to the lifeless body of the Frankenstein monster, and with just as dubious a result. I went and got a cucumber from the fridge.
Let me tell you, I had a ball with that cucumber. I was lying on the floor with my pants down, happily working away at myself, when I heard the garage door open. Horror of horrors, my parents had come home early.
There's a lot one has to accomplish in situations like that, but I reassembled my clothing, cleared the browser cache, hid the assorted bottles and such, and was about to go throw the cucumber away.
It almost worked. My parents opened the kitchen door right when I was walking into the kitchen, cucumber in hand. Panicking as quietly as I could, I greeted them and opened the fridge. You see, I figured that, for my cover, I'd pretend to have been making a salad, and then throw away the cucumber as soon as they went upstairs.
This was, of course, the exact moment my parents chose to have a long, involved talk with me about my grades. In the kitchen. With me holding a cucumber that had very recently been used for terrible, terrible purposes.
Well, what could I do? I was utterly trapped. So, I made a cucumber-heavy salad and ate it in front of my parents, who thought my burning face had to do with my less-than-stellar progress report.
The worst part? My mom kept trying to steal bits of cucumber off my plate.
Trowizilla #13
Burning
Okay, so like I mentioned previously, I was basically a masturbating machine as a teenager. I'd discovered fanfic as an endless, free source of kinky porn that I could print out and hide in my room, and while I figured a lot of it wasn't too realistic, I had no idea of how much. Anyway, so I'd found this Sailor Moon (shut up!) tentacle porn fic that really got me turned on, and while obviously I couldn't replicate tentacles, I figured I'd try out the other major element in the story: hot wax.
Note to readers: don't ever, ever, EVER do what I'm about to relate.
So I got a candle, being careful to choose an unscented one because, oh-so-cleverly, I figured scented wax would be bad for my girlybits. Obviously I was missing a major issue, but teenagers are dumb. I locked the door, fapped for awhile by candlelight, and when I figured the moment was right, dripped some hot wax.
Directly onto my clit.
And then started screaming, because HOT WAX ON MY CLIT.
Which woke up the rest of my family, because I was screaming bloody murder and they thought I was actually getting bloodily murdered, and my door was locked. Somehow I managed to knock the candle over, which sprayed hot wax across the room and set the carpet on fire a little, and while I was frantically trying to put that out while keeping my legs as far apart as possible so as to not touch my burned clit, my entire family was yelling and pounding on the door and sending my brother to get the phone so they could call the police.
Anyway, I managed to put the carpet out by dumping a coke on it, pulled some pyjama pants on, and unlocked the door before my dad succeeded in calling the police. At this point my room was smoky and smelled like scorched carpet, so I lied and said I'd fallen asleep with a candle burning and knocked it over accidentally. I ended up grounded for a week and had to clean the carpet (and dried wax is a bitch to clean, by the way. I just cut it out of my pubes.) My parents kept asking me why I was so grouchy, since I had to go around for ages with burnt genitals, and at the time I didn't own any skirts, so the seams of my jeans were torture.
My family still teases me about almost burning down the house, and I thank every deity I can think of that they bought that story.
Okay, I know that there is already an active S and E M thread, but basically what I'm doing here is compiling all half decent ones into a single thread, or even into the original post! This way people that just want to read the stories (like me) can do so without having to rifle through all the discussion and insults etc. I hope to get all of this together within the next week so please try and be patient.
EDIT: I have decided that they will all be in the original post (if that is possible) so feel free to use the rest of the thread for discussion.
Oh, and if there are any people who don't want to share their moments publically ( because they don't want to get into an argument or be messaged about it.) feel free to PM me and I'll add them in anominously.
Oh, and I could use some serious help with titles!
Finally, I would also like to take a manual poll on which Strange and Embarassing Moment is the best! You could also put forward your own... please...
The layout of each story would be something like this:
Poster's Name #1
Title
Story (example): I used to work at EB Games a few years back, and like alot of moms who come in to shop, the one I had in this story knew nothing about the game she was about to purchas for her kid. It was GTA: Vice City of course. Little Billy didn't look anymore than 7 years old, so I explained to her that this game probably wouldn't have been the best choice. I pointed out Katamari Damacy instead, and told her that not only was it just $20, she wouldn't have to worry about her kid running around blowing up hookers all day.
"Mom, what's a hooker?"
She was gonna kill me right there on the spot.
Arikado #2
A Godly Tale
Well lemme see...strange/embarrasing moment...
Ahh yes. Back in college, I had a girlfriend who was rather rebellious compared to the rest of her family. She had come from a Chinese-Catholic family who stick to tradition. Specifically, they already didn't approve of her dating a Mexican who was majoring in Linguistics (I was actually minoring in Ling and majoring in Architecture). Well, my girlfriend made a case for me in that I was as Catholic as they were, which I was not. I haven't been to church since I skipped out on my First Communion when I was 12.
Anyways, my girlfriend's sister was in this church group and was putting on a show about how following God can help people make the right choices. My girlfriend was being dragged to see it so I figured I should go with her so she wouldn't suffer alone. So we sat and watched this whole play. I remember one scene had some court convicting some killer who just so happened to be the judge's son. So the judge takes the electric chair for him (yeah that one boggled my mind).
So, after he play, my and my gf go up to say hi to her sis and make a run for my car. Well, guess who else was there to watch the play? Yep, my girlfriend's mom was near the exit. So aside from the mindless Chinese chatter and constant looks I was getting from her mom, I pretty much was praying to any God to help us out. It got even worse when her mom asked me questions about the play and so forth, almost testing me. Each reply garnered me more angry or dissappointed looks. As the room was clearing out, I managed to walk out with my gf and her mom towards my car (me being in a rush and all).
My gf is in the passanger seat and talking through the window to her mom while I'm putting our umbrellas in the backseat. As her mom walks away, I get in the car and managed to slam my forehead super hard as I sit down. That's when I yell out "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" super loud surrounded by Catholics in a parking lot while my girlfriend's Catholic mom is a few feet away from us.
Yeah...
Rear Admiral Choco #3
Snack Program
When I was about 5 or 6, I went to a birthday party. I was just sitting around, doing my own thing. Playing video games (Long live Super Mario World!) and such with others. At some point I got bored and laid back on a beanbag chair when I heard some girl say "Lick my pee-pee." I was bewildered. I watched as some other girl actually did it. So...yeah. Weirdest thing I ever saw. My face...was like this:
As for an embarrasing moment, at my first school, there was a "Snack Program". Basically, you'd just pay a quarter each day for a snack in the morning. The damn kindies got their free snack though. I don't like small children. Anyway, I got a banana once, a fruit I'm not particularly fond of. I shoved it back in my desk and forgot about it. This was in December, I think. It stayed there until the end of the year. When I found it, it reeked! I almost threw up, then my teacher fished it out and showed it to the class. There was laughter.
Bitstream #4
Jet Propulsion
I was a fairly chunky, out-of-shape kid all through high school, and a month-long car tour of Europe the summer before senior year didn't help; over the course of thirty days I managed to gain 40 pounds. Thankfully, my procrastination in scheduling classes left me with a full year of Phys Ed to look forward to, and in the end I lost the Eurofat and then some and ended up in the best shape of my life (aka a shape other than round). As part of the final testing we had to do the ubiquitous pull-ups, and I proudly did as many as I could, which was now a number greater than zero. I forget what the required number was for an A, but I was one short. I summoned all my strength and, shaking with exertion, pulled with every fiber of my being; unfortunately several of those fibers were abdominal, and the stress released one of the loudest, squeakiest farts the world has ever known. I immediately let go and hit the floor laughing, joining the thirty-odd guys sitting around watching.
Marking my B down his book, the coach turned to me and said "Think that's the first time anyone's tried jet propulsion on that one."
Kakodaimonos #5
Abscess Crowd
Early last week around Monday/Tuesday I noticed a little boil on my upper leg. I figured it was going to be like all the other boils I got and just kinda go away after a few days. So Thursday rolls around and it's still there and maybe a little bigger. Of course, this is the weekend my folks are coming in from out of town to visit me. Friday it's starting to be a little painful, but I manage and walk around doing the various tourist type crap with the rents.
Saturday morning I wake up and it feels like I've got a flaming golf ball stuck in my leg. Now I've always had a pretty high pain tolerance which has gotten me into trouble before. So I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and see this huge red blob sitting on my leg that just hurts to look at.
So I go off to clinic to get it looked at. First in is the nurse. She comes in, looks at it and says, "Wow, that's the biggest abscess I've ever seen." So she goes out and gets the NP, who comes in a says pretty much the same thing. Of course, they then both go out, get the attending, who comes in and says "Wow, that's a really big abscess". So I've got three people all standing around looking at this abscess I've got on my leg right below my ass cheek. So now they're going to lance the sucker. Now I get to lay down on my stomach with my ass in the air while all these fine folks get to poke and prod my butt and force a foreign substance out of it. And they decided to get a couple more nurses and doctors in there to look at the awesomenss that was my abscess. So know there's at least 5 people in the exam room looking at my butt. After a few minutes of brain searing pain it's taken care off, but not before they ask me if it's ok to take pictures for a case study. And did I mention how much all the pus and blood stink? God it smelled like something died in there. And now I've got pictures of my hairy ass that are going to show up in some journal somewhere.
So now I get to walk around all week with a big wad of gauze shoved into an open wound on my leg that's still leaking pus, blood and god knows what else all over my clothes, my work chair and anything else I sit on. At least when I started talking about it with my boss he decided he didn't want all the details and let me work from home for a while.
Humanoid Eggplant #6
All Over the Bed... And the Dad...
One day last winter I jacked off somewhat early for me, around 7-8 at night. I did it laying in my bed, and came all over the bottom side of the covers. I usually do that when it's late and I'm too lazy and too horny to get something to clean it up, so I figured what the fuck.
So I settled in a chair I have next to my bed that i sit in when I'm on the computer, planning on watching some tv. Well not 5 minutes after I busted off, my dad came in to see what I was doing. He usually comes in just to shoot the shit and see what I'm watching or whatever. I knew he was going to do, and it was in slow motion like some kind of horrible accident that I couldn't process fast enough. Well he hops onto my bed to watch some tv as well and wrapped the jizz covered comforter up over him and just froze. He looked like he had just been stabbed. From how he was laying, I'd estimate the majority of the splooge was pasted to the front of his shirt. Anyway, he snapped out of it, jumped up and said "cya" and walked out of the room.
TheFullMetalChicken #7
Just Foolin' Around
Back when I was in high school my girlfriend and I spent every Sunday night at her parents’ house. After supper she and I would head down stairs to watch some TV and fool around. And best of all we could do this without any of the normal sneaking around that this might usually require. You see her father always had something on Sunday nights in the winter it was curling and bowling in the summer. And her mom would be puttering around the house and cooking the meals for the week all the while music would be playing and we could hear her dancing around and singing up stairs. Best of all we knew when to wrap things up because the last thing she would do was vacuum the floors.
Now on this night everything was going as usual dinner was great, her dad was out, she and I down stairs totally into each other, and mom up stairs singing her head off to a new album she had just bought. My girlfriend and I where right in the middle of the kind of making out that only teenagers can get up too when we heard the vacuum switch on followed by the dogs barking and running into her parents' bedroom. We decided to keep going when all of a sudden her mom screams....kind of and then something hits the floor. I tidy myself up quickly and run upstairs my girlfriend quickly behind me. The music is really loud so I run over to her mom and tell my girlfriend to turn off the music. Her mom is lying on the ground shaking a bit, muttering, breathing really hard, and making a face that I'd seen before but…couldn't…quite….place. I try and help her up and she squeezes the crap out of my hand and starts gasping. With my ears still buzzing I yelled at my girlfriend "Is she alright? Is she having an attach of some kind." Then her mom very quickly eases up on my hand, pulls herself together, gets up turns beet red, and runs into her bedroom the dogs come running out and she slams the door. This is when i noticed that the buzzing that I had thought was in my ears had stopped. Now from here things are a bit blurry for me I have no idea what's going on all I remember is her dad coming home she and I explaining what happened him running into their bed room, and me leaving just after that. I asked my girlfriend the next day what happened she said her mom was fine and that that is all her mom would say. I asked both of them about it several times in the next few weeks but got nothing from my girlfriend, and when I asked her mom she would turn red and say it was nothing so I dropped it.
A few months ago I asked my now mother in-law about what happened, she laughed a bit then asked if I was sure, I said yes, she had become just as much of a friend to me as a mother figure over the past years and I was ready for anything plus we were both pretty drunk. It turns out that Sunday is sex night for my in-laws and that particular night she wanted to get herself ready so she put on a pair or wireless vibrating panties turned them on low and went about her Sunday routine with a smile. Turns out she forgot to put the remote away that goes with the panties and when she turn on the vacuum the dogs ran into the bedroom lied down on the bed, where she had left the remote, and turned the vibrator on full. We laughed our butts off when I told her that my wife and her mom have the same O face.
asmileyemo #8
Cougar Kids
A few years ago I was at the zoo with my parents and my cousin, who was 5 or 6 years old at the time. We are looking at the cougars or some sort of cat, I don't remember exactly, when one walks right in front of where we are. Following behind is another cougar, who then decides it's a good time to mate.
Then my cousin asks me "What are they doing?"
Not wanting to have to explain the birds and the bees to my cousin, I say "They're arguing... about... whether or not to have kids. I think the male is winning".
Dirty Neuron #9
Reliving High School Biology
Okay, this will sound stupid. In fact, you may possibly wonder if I had been repeatedly dropped on my head as a child. I do not know the answer to that question, but I can supply a statement of "it would SEEM so"
That being said, have you ever heard the joke, two muffins are in the oven, one turns to the other and says, "man it's hot in here" to which the other replies "OMG a talking muffin!"
I do not know why, I dare say I never will. But no matter how often I hear that joke, I can not stop myself from chuckling. Perhaps it is because I believe in the higher station of the muffin in our grand life cycle, or maybe something is not clicking right in my head.
Either way, I had first heard it back in Sophomore year of High School. It was at the tale end of a passing period, and I had started laughing a quiet laugh, soft, soothing, pleasant. I do not laugh often, and I often wonder if I have broken my funny bone sometime in the distant past. Either way, quiet chuckles for me are the BEST chuckles, because unaccustomed laughs that... well I'll get to that in a bit.
I had made it to class, Biology, and we were doing pig dissection. For some strange reason, the joke stuck with me. And as the teacher was handing out lab groups, assigning us trays, and handing us our projects, the joke continued to ruminate over and over between the vast space betwixt my ears. Again and again, the joke cycled. Again and again, I was looking at it in a new, strange light, and each time, I was finding it more hilarious than before.
Finally, I cants takes no more.
The class was already in full swing, the groups were already, figuratively, elbow deep into the meat of the project, and I start laughing... first quietly, then seemingly more loudly, until it is almost a breathless giggle, and then... with the piercing gale of full blown insane laughter, shrieks and gasps as I try desperately to get a single noxiously delicious gulp of formaldehyde laden air, and yet I am drowning upon my own muffin-related-mind-rot.
The entire class had stopped, they are staring at me as if I had suddenly exploded into flames. The tears are blocking my vision, I can no longer see. The sounds of nearly never used vocal chords rips across all attempts at breaking through to me.
It would have been a simple matter if it had lasted a simple minute, or 5. I would have been happy with that. No. I would not be so fortunate. It had lasted a half an hour atleast, by the end I was sore, breathless, and on the floor gasping like many a drowning victim saved by a lucky life guard. And I was summarily sent to detention for being disruptive.
Dirty Neuron #10
High School Lunch Discussions
This would require some back story. When I was still attending High School, there was a reasonably well respected math teacher of great Stature... However, though he was an excellent teacher, he was a bit of a hard ass. And he had horrible taste in fashion. So much so, that he had affected the signature outfit of an all purple sweat suit, which did not compliment his pear shaped body at all. This is important later.
During lunch one time, a few friends and I had started a very strange discussion of the different possibilities the potential dissection of various mascots would result in. There were the strange examples, there were the unusual examples, and many that I could not hope to recall at this time. Needless to say, we were all a bit out of our mind at the time, since each of us had our own vices, and mine was surprisingly the most normal of all... Staying up for days at a time, often creating role playing character sheets. This is opposed to indulging in various substances that promised to 'warp your fucking mind' in some degree or another. What can I say, I am lame.
Somehow we had moved the list of potential mascot mutilation stories to include Grimis, the loveable purple mascot for McD's. The questions of "what is he made of" and "is it actually meat, or is a gel substance" to "is there a bone structure to his form at all?" with the coup de grace of something to the effect 'If you were to cut his leg off, would it be similar to a ham roast, with the bone surrounded by a thick near gelatinous outer covering?'
I had a found giggle out of this exchange. It was on my mind later, as I had heard the bell and stopped into the second floor bathrooms to relieve myself. I had finished my task, but I was still standing at the urinal when the aforementioned mathmatics teacher walks in, wearing a giant purple sweatshirt/pants combo. I could not help it, I started giggling but I forced myself to contain it. That created a giggle cycle of repeatedly holding in each new bout of laughter built up until I was shaking from the contained merriment.
Needless to say I was drawing attention to myself.
The teacher had turned from his task at washing his hands, and was looking at me closely, wondering if I happened to be on something, or perhaps having some sort of fit. I can not recall which, but he had made some mention of trying to get my attention, or to have me turn towards him, and finally I could not handle it any longer. I quickly turned towards him and screamed "GRIMIS!" and ran out of the rest room and down the hall as fast as my sneakers could carry me, the entire time shrieking peals of laughter like a mad-person.
Dirty Neuron #11
The Trees Have Eyes
There is a strange little park not too far from my house. It is circular, but in a spiraled shape around a man made lake. There is a fountain, which seems ironic, and several benches set up along the ring of the lake, some of them more secluded than others.
I had often enjoyed coming to the park, not only because many people would often violate the 'no swimming' sign and go for a dip, but also because many people would often walk through it, and several of the people were my age, and quite attractive.
I know what you're thinking, "In a park? You went to a park alone? To do that?!" No, not alone. But I'm getting to that.
An exe of mine got together one time to share stories and talk about what’s been happening in our lives. We were both walking down memory lane (the irony is not lost on me, since it’s often called memory lane in the park, wanted to mention that but didn’t want it to be a lame mention) and it had somehow gotten into the topic of relationships. Normally its not a wise move to talk about this subject with people you have been with in the past, it simply causes tension or stress. Or awkward conversations. This was one of them.
We had both been single for a while after splitting; deciding that getting into another relationship wasn’t that good of an Idea. Granted, we were both possibly nymphos so it all made sense that we would both be suffering from the same feelings of misplaced lust. We had spent a good quarter of an hour sharing thoughts, ideas, and I had gotten into talking about how I started writing smut. She loved the idea and demanded that I explain one of my stories, retell it as it were.
I'm normally very private when it comes to sharing stuff I write. It’s a bad habit of mine, which I'm trying to break myself out of. So I said what the hell and began to recount one of the stories I had wrote. She was surprised, not by the fact that I wrote it, but it had been one of the encounters we had, and I apparently told the story quite well, because she was already blushing and breathing heavily by the time I finished.
We had circled the man made lake a few times during the walk, and I stopped to rest my legs on one of the benches. It was a pretty warm day, and humid at that, so there weren’t many people out and about. I had noticed this, and so did she.
I mentioned the fact, rather with too much emphasis and she started laughing at me, and much to my surprise she kissed me. Not the kiss of friends mind you, the much more deep, passionate kiss of people that are either in love, or in lust.
Suddenly I did not have a thought in my head, it was all need. But instead of giving in to my desires and ripping off my clothes, (don’t ask me why I didn't, I actually kind of wish I did thinking back on it) and I instead pulled her onto my lap.
It was hot, a little humid but the spray from the fountain and the breeze off the lake cooled us, and it was a perfect summer day for shorts. I had on a pair and so did she, but the way I was holding her close to me, kissing her, and biting her lips, she could not reach me.
[Self edit to remove gratuitous smut]
She rocked hard against me, and I nearly tipped backwards off the bench, but I was able to hold her, and steady myself. It was then that she started to orgasm, her body shaking, her breath coming hot and fast against my ear. She wrapped her arms around me to keep from falling backwards and that was the only thing that saved the situation from becoming really awkward.
For it was at this time that two new mothers with their bundles of joy in strollers came by. It was strange, they should not have been there, but the way she was holding me tight it blocked all view of my hand inside of her, her nipples taught and hard against the thin fabric of her shirt, and the tears in her eyes and the half breathless sobs of pleasure made it look like I was consoling her, providing a shoulder to cry on. When the two mothers passed, I made mention of it and she promptly bit said shoulder.
Sadly, I had not help in getting off myself, for she was suddenly very self conscious of the situation, and bid me farewell. I turned my back on the pond and beat off like a jackhammer... I couldn't help it.
It was not until I had opened my eyes that I noticed two very important facts.
The first that I noticed was that there was a woodchuck sitting at the bottom of one of the trees. It looked at me, still as a statue, holding a nut in its tiny little hands and just STARING at me. If this was not enough to give me the creeps, the next part was.
Apparently there had been some vandalism in the past few weeks, some kids had thrown a large amount of dish soap into the public fountain, causing somewhere in the excess of $100 of damage/cleaning/repair. So they had installed security cameras around the park at various locations. The only saving grace from being possibly mentioned in the local post, or having my likeness searched out would have been a very, VERY well placed limb. That was one of the last forays into Exhibitionism.
Trowizilla #12
The Cucumber
In my relentless-teenage-masturbation stage, I faced one major obstacle: the computer, which was my main source of porn, was kept in the living room, which had no door. Sometimes I printed things up and took them to my room, but once in awhile my entire family would finally go somewhere else for a few hours and I would be left alone. Just me, a bunch of improvised sex toys, and all the porn you can download in an hour on a dial-up connection. (Hey, I took what I could get.)
It was on one such occaision that this story takes place. My parents and little brothers had gone out to eat and I was looking forward to uninterrupted hours of Sailor Moon and Gundam Wing hentai. It was truly an epic session, involving pretty much everything I'd ever used as a dildo, but lotion bottles are a funny shape and I wasn't making the mistake of using the baton again.
Inspiration struck like lightning to the lifeless body of the Frankenstein monster, and with just as dubious a result. I went and got a cucumber from the fridge.
Let me tell you, I had a ball with that cucumber. I was lying on the floor with my pants down, happily working away at myself, when I heard the garage door open. Horror of horrors, my parents had come home early.
There's a lot one has to accomplish in situations like that, but I reassembled my clothing, cleared the browser cache, hid the assorted bottles and such, and was about to go throw the cucumber away.
It almost worked. My parents opened the kitchen door right when I was walking into the kitchen, cucumber in hand. Panicking as quietly as I could, I greeted them and opened the fridge. You see, I figured that, for my cover, I'd pretend to have been making a salad, and then throw away the cucumber as soon as they went upstairs.
This was, of course, the exact moment my parents chose to have a long, involved talk with me about my grades. In the kitchen. With me holding a cucumber that had very recently been used for terrible, terrible purposes.
Well, what could I do? I was utterly trapped. So, I made a cucumber-heavy salad and ate it in front of my parents, who thought my burning face had to do with my less-than-stellar progress report.
The worst part? My mom kept trying to steal bits of cucumber off my plate.
Trowizilla #13
Burning
Okay, so like I mentioned previously, I was basically a masturbating machine as a teenager. I'd discovered fanfic as an endless, free source of kinky porn that I could print out and hide in my room, and while I figured a lot of it wasn't too realistic, I had no idea of how much. Anyway, so I'd found this Sailor Moon (shut up!) tentacle porn fic that really got me turned on, and while obviously I couldn't replicate tentacles, I figured I'd try out the other major element in the story: hot wax.
Note to readers: don't ever, ever, EVER do what I'm about to relate.
So I got a candle, being careful to choose an unscented one because, oh-so-cleverly, I figured scented wax would be bad for my girlybits. Obviously I was missing a major issue, but teenagers are dumb. I locked the door, fapped for awhile by candlelight, and when I figured the moment was right, dripped some hot wax.
Directly onto my clit.
And then started screaming, because HOT WAX ON MY CLIT.
Which woke up the rest of my family, because I was screaming bloody murder and they thought I was actually getting bloodily murdered, and my door was locked. Somehow I managed to knock the candle over, which sprayed hot wax across the room and set the carpet on fire a little, and while I was frantically trying to put that out while keeping my legs as far apart as possible so as to not touch my burned clit, my entire family was yelling and pounding on the door and sending my brother to get the phone so they could call the police.
Anyway, I managed to put the carpet out by dumping a coke on it, pulled some pyjama pants on, and unlocked the door before my dad succeeded in calling the police. At this point my room was smoky and smelled like scorched carpet, so I lied and said I'd fallen asleep with a candle burning and knocked it over accidentally. I ended up grounded for a week and had to clean the carpet (and dried wax is a bitch to clean, by the way. I just cut it out of my pubes.) My parents kept asking me why I was so grouchy, since I had to go around for ages with burnt genitals, and at the time I didn't own any skirts, so the seams of my jeans were torture.
My family still teases me about almost burning down the house, and I thank every deity I can think of that they bought that story.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Chris Redfield on
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Salvation122 #14
I Punched someone in the face over MSN!
[19:41] Idiot IM Girl: k justins list got on my aim somehow so am i showing up on ur list now too? and i know you dont like me but i just wanna know this cuz i dont know anyone else but u
[19:41] Salvation122: I don't even know who you are.
[19:41] Salvation122: But, no, you're not on my buddy list.
[19:42] Idiot IM Girl: who is this
[19:42] Salvation122: Joe.
[19:42] Idiot IM Girl: ok whatever
[19:43] Idiot IM Girl: this is trent
[19:43] Idiot IM Girl: i know it is
[19:43] Salvation122: Does Trent normally use proper grammar?
[19:44] Salvation122: Who am I talking to, at any rate?
[19:44] Idiot IM Girl: shut the fuck up .. k well i wouldnt know cuz i dont fuckin talk to trent .. and yea he prob. does when he is being joe.
[19:44] Idiot IM Girl: sydney ..
[19:44] Idiot IM Girl: dumbass
[19:44] Salvation122: Sydney who?
[19:44] Salvation122: Where do you live?
[19:45] Salvation122: What's Justin's last name?
[19:45] Idiot IM Girl: well u would know since ur under his buddys list right??? and since his llist is mixed up with mine so i have all his contacts ..
[19:45] Idiot IM Girl: and he prolli has mine
[19:46] Salvation122: Justin Seals?
[19:46] Salvation122: That still wouldn't tell me where you're from, or what your last name is.
[19:46] Idiot IM Girl: trent ur gay.. go listen to the kmk or smoke weed or coke or somthing.
[19:47] Idiot IM Girl: well snort coke! not smoke it
[19:47] Salvation122: I'd really rather have hot kinky buttsex with you.
[19:48] Idiot IM Girl: ohh so u do know me ?
[19:48] Salvation122: hahahaha fooled you
[19:48] Salvation122: goddamn that was ez
[19:48] Idiot IM Girl: fooled me with what
[19:48] Idiot IM Girl: i knew you were trent
[19:49] Salvation122: wutevr
[19:49] Idiot IM Girl: shut up ..
[19:49] Idiot IM Girl: i knew ..
[19:49] Salvation122: seriously tho i've wanted to fuck you for like the longest time
[19:50] Salvation122: cum on
[19:50] Salvation122: nothin to say?
[19:50] Idiot IM Girl: trent .. seriously tho do i come up on ur list
[19:50] Salvation122: u were alrdy on my list
[19:50] Idiot IM Girl: cuz i have justins whole list... PLUS I ONLY FUCK ASSHOLES WITH THE LAST NAME CLARK
[19:51] Salvation122: oh come on
[19:51] Salvation122: i wouldn't telll him
[19:51] Idiot IM Girl: shut up trent i know ur sitting right there with justin .. and tell his to check his e-mail
[19:51] Salvation122: justin's not here
[19:51] Salvation122: seriously
[19:51] Salvation122: call his cell
[19:52] Idiot IM Girl: like i want anything to do with him
[19:52] Salvation122: hahaha
[19:52] Salvation122: seriously tho u should come over and get drunk
[19:53] Salvation122: it'd be fun
[19:53] Idiot IM Girl: maybe sometime .. u are pretty cute ..
[19:53] Salvation122: awww
[19:54] Salvation122: how old r u again? i forget at the moment
[19:54] Salvation122: too much weed ahahaha
[19:54] Idiot IM Girl: 16
[19:54] Salvation122: o right
[19:54] Salvation122: duh
[19:55] Salvation122: so honestly sydney
[19:55] Idiot IM Girl: or too much coke!
[19:55] Salvation122: ur intrested n me?
[19:55] Idiot IM Girl: maybe
[19:56] Salvation122: well i guess i can be kinda a dick
[19:56] Salvation122: sorry bout that
[19:56] Idiot IM Girl: k i know you just doing this to tell justin .. and everything else
[19:56] Salvation122: guys do dumb things around hot girls
[19:57] Salvation122: no i'm just doing this cuz i'm high and bored
[19:57] Salvation122: i do like u tho
[19:57] Salvation122: y don't u cum over and hav a toke?
[19:58] Salvation122: cum on
[19:58] Idiot IM Girl: haha funny
[19:58] Salvation122: nah seriously
[19:58] Salvation122: no one's home, it's boring
[19:59] Idiot IM Girl: call justin im sure hed like to get high
[19:59] Salvation122: he can't
[19:59] Salvation122: grounded
[19:59] Salvation122: bsides i'd rather smoke with girls neway
[20:00] Idiot IM Girl: ohh for his dad finding him talk about coke or whatever..
[20:00] Salvation122: yeah
[20:00] Salvation122: and then justin said he snorted it off a hooker's ass
[20:01] Salvation122: which is damn funny but stupid to say to a pissed off dad
[20:01] Idiot IM Girl: he e-mailed me last time tell me about how he loves me till the day i die and he really really needs me to be his friend
[20:01] Salvation122: didn't here that
[20:02] Salvation122: seriously, come over,may be we cn sneek him out of his house
[20:02] Idiot IM Girl: he said to his dad that or he was writing that to someone else and his dad found it
[20:02] Salvation122: he said it to his dad
[20:02] Salvation122: yelled at him
[20:02] Salvation122: it was fuckin hilarious
[20:02] Salvation122: but stupid
[20:02] Idiot IM Girl: TRENT im FUCKING done with JUSTIN! I HATE HIM HE IS A ASSHOLE WHO I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH
[20:02] Salvation122: wut?
[20:02] Salvation122: wut the hell?
[20:03] Idiot IM Girl: i hope justin moves to vegas ..
[20:03] Salvation122: OMG
[20:03] Salvation122: DID HE DO LINES OFF YUR ASS
[20:03] Salvation122: BECUZ THAT WUD B FUCKIN FUNNY
[20:03] Idiot IM Girl: SHUTUP TRENT
[20:03] Salvation122: OMG HE DID DIDN'T HE
[20:04] Salvation122: otherwise you wouldn't have gotten all pissed
[20:04] Salvation122: awesome
[20:04] Idiot IM Girl: trent ur not making sense
[20:04] Salvation122: that's cuz i'm high
[20:04] Salvation122: seriously, cum over
[20:10] Idiot IM Girl: why so u have some chick there to beat my ass or what
[20:11] Salvation122: i dont hit girls
[20:11] Salvation122: shit
[20:11] Salvation122: thats not cool
[20:11] Salvation122: nah, i'm just bored
[20:12] Salvation122: and honestly kinda pissed at justin
[20:12] Salvation122: and i figure yur pissed at him 2
[20:12] Idiot IM Girl: well justin does haha me has hit me.... and u prob have some chick there to do it for u .. why are you pissed at justin
[20:12] Salvation122: he puked in my car saturday night
[20:12] Salvation122: and then didn't clean it up
[20:13] Salvation122: fucker
[20:13] Salvation122: anyway
[20:13] Salvation122: i figure if yur pissed at him 2 we cud hook up and it'd be like stabbin him in the back
[20:13] Idiot IM Girl: haha what did u give him A beer ..
[20:13] Salvation122: no dude
[20:14] Salvation122: we stole sum of my dad's scotch
[20:14] Salvation122: and he did like six shots really fast
[20:14] Salvation122: and then puked all over the place
[20:14] Salvation122: dumbass
[20:14] Salvation122: doesnt kno how to pace himself
[20:14] Idiot IM Girl: yea bad choice he cant drink one without puking .. and i would hook up with you to stab him in the back but u wouldn't really do it
[20:15] Salvation122: sydney
[20:15] Salvation122: HE PUKED ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY CAR
[20:15] Salvation122: u do not fuck with a mans car
[20:15] Salvation122: its serious bizness
[20:15] Idiot IM Girl: u dont have a car
[20:16] Salvation122: my dads car
[20:16] Salvation122: and then i had to clean it up yesterday
[20:16] Idiot IM Girl: hahaha that sucks
[20:16] Salvation122: after it had been in the garage overnight
[20:16] Idiot IM Girl: thats fuckin gross should have made him eat it up ..
[20:17] Salvation122: believe me nothing smells wurse then 12-hour old puke
[20:17] Salvation122: so like i said i'm pissed at him
[20:17] Salvation122: so cum on over and we can get together
[20:17] Salvation122: fuck the little bitch where it hurts
[20:17] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:19] Idiot IM Girl: where did justin meet his little bitch ?
[20:19] Idiot IM Girl: i heard she is like the dumbest person in Gilbert
[20:19] Salvation122: i dont remember
[20:19] Salvation122: sum concert i think
[20:20] Salvation122: or sumthing
[20:20] Idiot IM Girl: ohh really he went to a concert this week .. i doubt it he has no money
[20:20] Salvation122: sydney i honestly dont kno
[20:20] Idiot IM Girl: k
[20:20] Salvation122: so r u cuming ovr or wut?
[20:21] Idiot IM Girl: you should come talk to me at school tomorrow infront of justin .. if ur really bad at him ..
[20:21] Idiot IM Girl: mad**
[20:21] Salvation122: i'd rather hook up w/u and hav both of us tell him about it
[20:21] Salvation122: haha show him pictures
[20:22] Salvation122: that'd be hilarious
[20:22] Salvation122: and bsides that way we'd both get laid
[20:22] Salvation122: which is a nice perk
[20:22] Idiot IM Girl: haha yea but NO .. we should just pretend to date for a while
[20:23] Salvation122: pffft
[20:23] Salvation122: if ur going to get even w/ sum1 u should do it right
[20:23] Salvation122: go 4 the gold and shit
[20:23] Idiot IM Girl: and i will act like i dont give a shit if you smoke weed .. do some coke .. or hang out with gurls and then u can even dump me ..
[20:24] Salvation122: haha
[20:24] Salvation122: that cud work
[20:24] Salvation122: but we shud like kiss or wutevr nfront of him tomorrow
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: i think we should .. i always thought you were hott.. and i could tell everyone that ur my boyfriend!
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: ok .. come up to me and then we will kiss ...
[20:25] Salvation122: nah
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: chicken
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: ?
[20:25] Salvation122: it'd look weird 2 justin if i was trying 2 find u
[20:25] Salvation122: so cum find me
[20:26] Salvation122: and just like grab my head and pull me down and kiss me
[20:26] Salvation122: hahahaha
[20:26] Idiot IM Girl: well lets meet somewhere ..
[20:26] Idiot IM Girl: where justin always is .. so its mutual
[20:26] Salvation122: okay
[20:26] Salvation122: shit, i cant think right now
[20:26] Salvation122: where wud be a good place?
[20:26] Idiot IM Girl: are you sure you wanna do this?? CUZ I DO
[20:27] Salvation122: shit sydney
[20:27] Idiot IM Girl: what
[20:27] Salvation122: if u really want 2 do this y don't u just cum ovr now
[20:27] Salvation122: and we can practice
[20:27] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:27] Salvation122: but yeah i do
[20:28] Idiot IM Girl: haha yea but i am a pro so i think i can wing it
[20:28] Salvation122: still tho
[20:28] Salvation122: cud b fun
[20:29] Idiot IM Girl: well we will find out tomorrow right ? give us somthing to look forward to
[20:29] Salvation122: true
[20:29] Salvation122: hahahaha i totally have a boner now
[20:29] Idiot IM Girl: so where are we going to meet ..
[20:30] Salvation122: i dunno
[20:30] Salvation122: like in the morning right?
[20:30] Idiot IM Girl: yea !!
[20:30] Salvation122: so
[20:30] Idiot IM Girl: how about right after 1st hour ..
[20:30] Salvation122: nah man
[20:30] Salvation122: before class even
[20:30] Salvation122: so he'll have all day to be pissed
[20:31] Salvation122: and then we can do it again before we go home
[20:31] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:31] Idiot IM Girl: okay im there...
[20:31] Idiot IM Girl: but where are we going to kiss at?
[20:31] Salvation122: so like right by the door by the parking lot?
[20:32] Idiot IM Girl: justins not there in the mornings
[20:32] Salvation122: o right
[20:32] Salvation122: well right after 1st works then
[20:32] Salvation122: just come up to us when we're walking in the hall and grab me and kiss me
[20:32] Idiot IM Girl: k how about right in the middle of tiger hall
[20:33] Salvation122: do we usually go by there? hahaha i'm so spaced out right now
[20:33] Idiot IM Girl: cuz he stands by the wall by the pole.
[20:33] Salvation122: oh right
[20:33] Salvation122: yeah that's cool
[20:33] Salvation122: and you should like wrap your leg around me and shit
[20:33] Salvation122: hahahaha
[20:33] Salvation122: u should come over
[20:34] Idiot IM Girl: i will see how the kiss goes tomorrow and then i will tell u if or when im comin over .. so u might want to practice with ur elbow or somthing hahahaha
[20:34] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:35] Salvation122: hey sydney, u had sex w/ justin right?
[20:36] Idiot IM Girl: yea
[20:36] Salvation122: how big wuz he?
[20:36] Salvation122: he's all ways braggin about his damn dick
[20:36] Salvation122: i'm like fag i dont care
[20:37] Idiot IM Girl: hhahahaha
[20:38] Idiot IM Girl: he would always be like its small huh
[20:38] Salvation122: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[20:38] Salvation122: fuckin fag
[20:38] Idiot IM Girl: what did he say to you about me
[20:39] Salvation122: normal stupid guy shit
[20:39] Idiot IM Girl: like .. what
[20:39] Salvation122: u were grabbin the headboard and screaming from the dozens of times you orgasmed, tht shit
[20:39] Salvation122: the kind of crap where its obviously horseshit
[20:39] Idiot IM Girl: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
[20:40] Idiot IM Girl: i must have missed that one
[20:40] Salvation122: yeah
[20:40] Salvation122: figured
[20:42] Idiot IM Girl: so are you gunna pretend to be my boyfriend or what
[20:48] Salvation122: ok
[20:48] Salvation122: ill see u tomorrow
[20:52] Salvation122: o i forgot
[20:52] Salvation122: just come up and kiss me tomorrow, like its a suprise
[20:52] Salvation122: ok?
[20:53] Idiot IM Girl: no ok u should me like and sydney hung out last nite .. and then be like well im gunna go talk to my gurlfriend and then i will be in the middle of those two poles in tiger hall and we come give me a hug and then we will kiss .. k?
[20:54] Salvation122: no trust me
[20:55] Idiot IM Girl: no trust me .. cuz i can walk up to a bunch of stoners its too weird
[20:55] Salvation122: justin's WTF will be much louder if you just show up and kiss me and then talk about how we're going out
[20:55] Idiot IM Girl: i never did even when i was with justin
[20:55] Salvation122: cum on
[20:55] Salvation122: itll be funny
[20:55] Idiot IM Girl: u have gym right 1st hour
[20:56] Idiot IM Girl: ???
[20:56] Salvation122: uh right
[20:56] Idiot IM Girl: how about me meet each other before the actual bell rights and we can walk up to him with all ur guys friends holding hands and kissing and stuff
[20:56] Salvation122: so just like find me after class and just kiss me real quick in the halls
[20:57] Salvation122: just find me after 1st hour
[20:57] Salvation122: trust me it'll be a lot easier
[20:58] Idiot IM Girl: ok
[20:58] Idiot IM Girl: c u tomorrow
*** Idiot IM Girl has gone offline ***
SessionStart (Salvation122:Idiot IM Girl): Tue Apr 05 16:23:29 2005
[16:23] Idiot IM Girl: OMG U FUKKING ASSHOLE
[16:23] Idiot IM Girl: I HOPE U FUKKING DIE
[16:23] Salvation122: What?
[16:24] Idiot IM Girl: I SHOULD HAV KNOWN NOT TO TRUST U
[16:24] Salvation122: Who the fuck are you, and why are you so upset with me?
[16:24] Idiot IM Girl: IT'S SYDNEY TRENT
[16:25] Idiot IM Girl: THE GIRL THAT KISSED YOU TODAY
[16:25] Salvation122: Oh my dear sweet Christ, you actually did that?
[16:25] Idiot IM Girl: U SHOULD KNOW U FUCKING PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE
[16:26] Salvation122: He... you have to be kidding. This is too goddamn wonderful to be true.
[16:26] Idiot IM Girl: AND JUSTIN BROKE UP WITH ME
[16:26] Idiot IM Girl: I HOPE YOUR HAPPY YOU FUKKING BITCH!!!!
[16:26] Salvation122: You know all those times last night I said I wasn't Trent? I wasn't Trent. I was messing with you the whole time. I cannot believe you actually kissed the guy.
[16:27] Salvation122: And then he punched you!
[16:27] Salvation122: This should teach you a valuable lesson: don't pester people on AIM.
[16:27] Salvation122: This has got to be the single most awesome thing that I have ever accidently done. I punched a girl in the face over the internet!
[16:27] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
For those who don't get it, that means she blocked me.
But wait! The story sort-of almost continues!
Session Start (Salvation122:Idiot IM Girl): Wed Apr 06 16:57:03 2005
[16:57] Idiot IM Girl, under a new handle: trent this is Sydney and i just wanted u to know the hacker that got into our computer and combined our buddy lists came on pretending to be u so if u have any wierd things happen...thats why i have changed mine
[16:57] Salvation122: Jesus fucking christ.
[16:57] Salvation122: My name is not Trent.
[16:57] Salvation122: You are incredibly dumb.
[16:57] Salvation122: Please go away.
[16:59] Salvation122: I don't know who Trent is, but I assure you that I have owned the Salvation122 screenname since 1997. I am not him. This is not his screenname. Remove it from your buddylist.
[16:59] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
That IM story is awesome. Wow.