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has a SO ever done this to you?
JohnnyCache
Starting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered User regular
Starting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered User regular
So i hang out with a girl for a couple weeks. We camp. We workout. She cooks great meals for me. She's awesome. I like her, she likes me, we go out, we eat and drink, we retire to her place, we have a long talk about if we're on the bus to relationshiptown, we snuggle, we kiss for the first time and then some more, at five in the morning or so I go home. she kisses me goodbye.
and has not spoken to me since, over a week later, except for a few evasive little texts canceling or postponing things. I invited her to a matinee the following day (a saturday outing, with friends), the day after that I knocked on her door to see if she wanted to grab a drink or something that afternoon (sunday). No answer, movement from in the house. She texts me back and says she was in the shower. I text her back asking if she wants to do something tonight. No response. I texted her monday, no response, texted her tues to see if she was keeping our nine o'clock gym date (She replied: "already went") Wed. is her busiest day at work, sent her a text to have a good day and call me if she wanted to do something later in the week. Haven't contacted her since (you don't have to hit me over the head with a paddle).
Now I did like this girl, but I can live without her, you know? It's not losing the chips that bother me, it's mis-reading the hand. I would really like to know what the hell is going on.
A few options in my head:
I did something unspeakable to her, without noticing:
I doubt this is the case because things ended on such an up note.
I am a horrible kisser:
Not the case, per many exes.
I don't think one contact a day for a couple days after a really promising date, or a couple invitations to very non-controversial activities is too clingy (esp. givin the frequency we were seeing each other - every afternoon/night - up to that.
so that kind of leaves us with:
She's dating someone else and went with option b, an inferior and foolish option but a choice I must respect
or
something really odd or shitty happened to her
In either case wouldn't a straight answer be better than "the fade?"
and has not spoken to me since, over a week later, except for a few evasive little texts canceling or postponing things. I invited her to a matinee the following day (a saturday outing, with friends), the day after that I knocked on her door to see if she wanted to grab a drink or something that afternoon (sunday). No answer, movement from in the house. She texts me back and says she was in the shower. I text her back asking if she wants to do something tonight. No response. I texted her monday, no response, texted her tues to see if she was keeping our nine o'clock gym date (She replied: "already went") Wed. is her busiest day at work, sent her a text to have a good day and call me if she wanted to do something later in the week. Haven't contacted her since (you don't have to hit me over the head with a paddle).
Now I did like this girl, but I can live without her, you know? It's not losing the chips that bother me, it's mis-reading the hand. I would really like to know what the hell is going on.
A few options in my head:
I did something unspeakable to her, without noticing:
I doubt this is the case because things ended on such an up note.
I am a horrible kisser:
Not the case, per many exes.
I don't think one contact a day for a couple days after a really promising date, or a couple invitations to very non-controversial activities is too clingy (esp. givin the frequency we were seeing each other - every afternoon/night - up to that.
so that kind of leaves us with:
She's dating someone else and went with option b, an inferior and foolish option but a choice I must respect
or
something really odd or shitty happened to her
In either case wouldn't a straight answer be better than "the fade?"
JohnnyCache on
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She just didn't like you the same way. Almost guaranteed. You did nothing wrong, but the excessive texting and door knocking can be weird.
but understand, i am a direct person. The first time we hung out, I said "I see us dating," and she said "me too" and that night I said, "Where is this going?" and she said, "I like you and I think we should get more serious" and we kissed and messed around on her couch for, like, 3 hours. and we're 30, not 19. And we were sober.
I host a podcast about movies.
In your case, I would forget about his girl, she sounds like a dbag and not worth your time. I say this because:
1. She won't even talk to you and tell you what's up. I understand some people are bad communicators but do you really want someone who doesn't have enough respect to explain to you why they are acting the way they are?
2. You said it yourself, you can live without her. That is huge man, if you can say that I highly suggest you move on.
On a side note, I understand how the mis-reading is so freaking annoying haha. I feel like I can read people fairly well so when something happens likes this it pisses me off.
I host a podcast about movies.
texting her - once - literally, "hey we're all going to a movie, do you want to come"
followed by knocking on her the following day to see if she wanted to go do something I was on my way past her house to go do?
After a date that seemed to end perfectly?
That's too much?
I host a podcast about movies.
Yeah, hence me posting on the internet about it. I am genuinely curious as to the frequency of people doing this in dating - it has not happened to me before, nor have i done it, and I was wondering if asking a large body of people if it was common and what the underlying cause, when known, turned out to be might be a productive activity. IE if this is a somewhat normal way for a certain percentage of people to act.
it seems like something you reserve for a greater transgression than I think I could have committed between a kiss at 5 am and an invitation to do something the following afternoon.
I host a podcast about movies.
No its not too much. That was fine, she just at some point decided that she was no longer interested for some reason. You didn't send any creeped signals I can see, she just used a passive aggressive way out.
Don't change your approach, I think you did just fine.
but - it was a very hot weekend, and she texted me back that she'd slept all day and not woken up till I went to bed (on saturday) and then on sunday, she texted me that she missed when I came by because she was in the shower. That kind of excuse has to be a pattern before it comes across as avoidence. That's the only reason I even bothered during the following week.
Sigh. Why can't people just be slightly more direct, but not so direct that we become like vulcans?
I host a podcast about movies.
The other thing here is we are both very busy people. In the past, we've gotten busy enough or cross scheduled enough that these things really did happen, but we had more communication.
I host a podcast about movies.
but from your dismissal of each response in this thread, it seems like you're just fishing for someone to either say that you've done something obviously wrong that you can correct the next time, or that she's a horrible person who you should avoid for the rest of your life. unfortunately, neither of these is the case. just drop it, and move on. she's not interested, and if it's because of some other reason, it's up to her to decide whether or not to tell you what that reason is.
and yes, I want to know if I did something that causes a girl to kiss me passionately and then stop speaking to me.
I am very interested in not having that happen to me, because I don't like it.
I do understand that i'm not "owed" an explanation, I would just like to asccertain one anyway. hence, venting about it in the most remote and neutral venue I could find. Sounding off here certainly seems better than calling her.
some other odd details: She didn't un-facebook me
we live on the same street. We can see each other's houses from our front yards. We've talked about how it almost is stupid to call each other.
I host a podcast about movies.
Yeah, no.
You kinda went overboard. Hot and heavy weekend or not, texting her everyday and showing up at her house probably scared her away if she wasn't already not really interested in anything serious. Nothing wrong with texting her the next day, but every day after?
Some people are just like that. No explanation needed.
Just give it some time. Be casual. Let her approach you.
if that's what she does when she doesn't want something serious I guess i don't get her.
well, the first day she answered back, "Sorry I missed your call, I was asleep"
after the do over the next day, I was picking up a pattern, didn't bother her on monday, only asked her if she was keeping our standard apt. at the gym on tues, and then basically sent her a "ok whatever, ball's in your court" on wed, haven't talked to her since in any way and won't in the future unless she comes to me.
I host a podcast about movies.
I say give it some time but do keep this tucked away mentally for later when you see her somewhere because I'd be curious as hell too and I'd want to know what the fuck
That shit don't always fly though, so really be sure you're capable of letting it go if she goes ghost on you
Maybe she's just really busy, maybe there's a family matter she has to deal with, maybe she was cheating on her real boyfriend while he was away and now he's back, or maybe after some reflection she just honestly thought better of something that was so hot and heavy so fast. It doesn't matter which it is because she doesn't seem to want to talk to you right now, and so you have to let it go.
Sometimes you don't get an answer. Overthinking this isn't going to help. Just try to move on. If she calls you in a week maybe she'll have an explanation, or maybe not. Either way, until you hear otherwise from her, it's almost certainly better to just drop it.
something happened, you may never get an answer. I hate flaky people so, so much, because I have the fortitude to hear honesty and it's much more appreciated than silly lies or outright avoidance. But people are flaky or something happens and they never bother to tell you or hell, maybe they don't even know what to tell you right now. It could be anything, but the bottom line is this: only time and patience will resolve the problem, either because you get over never hearing from her again or she does contact you and you get closure of some kind.
Some people are just weird. I just chalk it up to that and go on my way usually. I've had similar situations, but I've learned to not let it get to me.
Those texts in context aren't bad at all actually. Still, ball in her court.
I already have basically moved on. It's just nagging me the way it nags me when I can't solve a puzzle.
Like I said, that's why I picked here to sound off and not even a RL friend.
it bears repeating, though, that this was not a first date and that daily or bidaily contact had been our norm for 3-4 weeks.
I host a podcast about movies.
From what he said, he only texted her once a day, for about the next three days. That is not going overboard.
Hate to break it to you, but there are many, many people who would find that overboard. When you've already pitched the ball, give it a while to come back. Don't keep lobbing balls at their head. Especially after a romantic encounter. The dynamic makes a giant flip flop after something like that.
let it the fuck go, Esh
Jesus
but they're listening to every word I say
Wow, I'm not allowed to respond when someone addresses me now? I even made a new point as to how dynamics change after romantic encounters which wasn't touched on before. If you don't like it, say something pertinent to the situation (that will help the OP) rather than just being a goose.
EDITED and all that.
I've been in the game for years man. I've seen and had this exact same sort of scenario happen to me multiple times. *MULTIPLE* The frequency of this type of thing is astounding.
You'd think more people would be inclined to be straightforward and honest about something like this, but like someone said before, people are flakey.
My best guess to the underlying cause...people get really into something at first and then realize they're not as into it as they thought they were, or, couple this with outside influences (other men, friends influencing negatively, parents, etc.), they decide they don't want it after all. Then, in typical conflict-avoidance fashion, they just don't say anything about it until they're forced to. It's easier for them to just ignore you and never explain anything than it is for them to tell you the truth and admit their own mistakes, so they do the former and hope you get the idea.
Is this normal? Yes. Does that make it cool, or the right thing to do? Nope.
Right thing to do is be honest and straightforward. My close friends and I have a phrase for people that do the sort of thing you described.
We call them common. Because it's a rare person who actually bothers to be upfront about things and admit their mistakes when they make them.
You're better off compadre. Best of luck.
It sounds like she just got cold feet - and some people really can't handle awkward situations, to the extent that they do bizzare things to avoid them.
I'd be inclined to suggest gracefully bowing out. If you really wanted, and assuming a phone call it out of the question, drop her an email to say something like "Hey, I haven't heard anything from you in a while. I hope I didn't do anything to make you uncomfortable. I'll back off and if you want to see each other again, I'll leave that up to you. I hope everything's ok, and if you want to talk - you have my details."
But that would be me wanting to get closure so that I could move on with a clear head.
The point being to keep the email short, clear, friendly and not defensive (not that I'm saying you would be, but we all have a tendency to go on a bit when we start writing those types of things)
Anyway, my two cents. I hope it works out, or you at least get a clear indication one way or the other.
It was a terrible idea to keep contacting her, a little weird to show up at her place, you need to drop this and flush it out of your mind before you fall for her just because you can't have her anymore.
Go hangout with your friends or ask some other girl out, keep your mind off it.
Don't do this. You've contacted her enough times, and if indeed she is just busy a message telling her that you're backing off will frustrate her, because it sounds like you were supposed to have an understanding about busy lives and all. If she's not interested in you anymore she likely isn't going to respond anyway.
They made out over a weekend. That's a little heavy for a situation like this. Pretty much guaranteed to make sure you don't get a phone call again. The "letter" you provided is also really passive aggressive.
I would say there are three possible answers:
1. This one, that she was into it at the time but for whatever reason on reflection decided it wasn't for her.
2. Someone else came into (or back into) her life.
3. She is the kind of person who will just go along with it on a date and then never speak to you because she is extreme conflict avoidance.
https://medium.com/@alascii
While I agree that the e-mail is not the greatest idea, have you actually been reading what the OP has been saying? Your advice sounds like you think they just met at a party on Friday, made out for a few hours, and then he proceeded to text her like crazy and drive by her house.
They've been seeing each other for about a month.
You didn't do anything wrong that I can see, and that message isn't passive aggressive at all (hint to others: polite and passive aggressive are different.
She didn't want to carry on the relationship and she was too flakey to express that.
I know it's sometimes hard to tell someone you don't want to be with them, and often the reasons are nothing to do with the relationship so far. For example, she could have decided she had a great time but you weren't a 'keeper'. And then she didn't have the nerve to tell you. It's rubbish that she didn't do that, but it happens a lot. Really a lot.
The main thing I wanted to say is that I don't think you did anything wrong at all and you shouldn't take this as some kind of sign that you need to change.
If I was all wise and that I'd say the only lesson you need to learn from this is how much it sucks when you break up with someone without telling them clearly and make sure you never do that to someone else.
If I was wise I'd probably be less poor, so...
Yeah, I have been, have you?
"So i hang out with a girl for a couple weeks. We camp. We workout. She cooks great meals for me. She's awesome. I like her, she likes me, we go out, we eat and drink, we retire to her place, we have a long talk about if we're on the bus to relationshiptown, we snuggle, we kiss for the first time and then some more, at five in the morning or so I go home. she kisses me goodbye."
They've known each other for a few weeks, they JUST kissed this weekend.
-OR-
She's genuinely busy, going through a bit of a patch right now and just can't be available as frequently as she'd like. Again, your constant texts/communique only serve to further frustrate and annoy.
So the solution is to back off. Once-per-day texts are fine after a while, but gross overkill for a new relationship. You could blame yourself (or god), but remember that she feels that it's been too much for her. There's where the answer to the puzzle lies, so you can take that as a load off.. the next step is just to get past it.
All you need to do is stop trying to make contact with her.
The end.
No more to it.
No more drama to be had.
Fin.
*sigh*
Once he put it into context (they live near each other and see each other on a constant basis) and actually said what was in the texts, I retracted what I said. Try reading all the posts in the thread before attacking others.
And it is passive aggressive. Reread it. It basically places all blame on her. Look at all the You You You You in it. Even if it is her fault, and you want to try and continue something with her, this is not the way to go about it. Especially after already texting several times and stopping by her house. It would be overbearing and unnecessary. That's a letter (although it should be very reworded) you send after a semi-prolonged romantic interaction when someone cuts you off. Not after making out for one night.