Munkus BeaverYou don't have to attend every argument you are invited to.Philosophy: Stoicism. Politics: Democratic SocialistRegistered User, ClubPAregular
I have recently had to go through a whole mess with my family about boundaries, the fact that while I am their child living at home, I am also an adult paying what little money I get from disability toward rent to help THEM with their financial trouble.
It has taken a lot, a few fights, I even had a "well maybe you should find yourself another place to live" and I countered with the 'mutually assured destruction.' If I leave, you are cutting me out of your life, is it worth losing a son over? And further, that they could either respect me as an adult living at home, or a disabled tenant paying rent, and it would be their behavior that would make that choice.
So yeah, my mother made empty threats because she thought it would scare me. And if I was in your position, speed, and my mom said that 'coming out' might kill a bigoted father, then I would counter by saying 'well, then that's MY leverage. If you think it will kill him, then leave me alone, stay out of this, or else I will 'come out.'
Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but dies in the process.
Let her be an adult with her own autonomy and have input on the decision. Do not make this decision for her.
I.... don't know if that's the right thing
If Speed's making this decision for his own welfare, then that decision-making is all in his own hands. If it's about taking care of himself, he has to take care of himself first. Principle can come later
It might suck for her, or it might result in her being happier than she would be dating Speed when he's under the kind of pressure that his family would create for him, or many other things
But he has to make the decision for himself, not for her, and it's his decision as to whether or not he can handle being in that relationship
I agree that he needs to make the decision for himself, but any partnership is a partnership, even a fledgling one! Her input should be had, even if the decision is ultimately speed's
unilateral decisions are rarely a good idea in a relationship, at any point
I agree it will probably help him get his head on straighter if nothing else - I mean, it might not, but hte conversation is going to happen anyway, and support can be incredibly vital (I wouldn't have survived an equivalent situation if not for my own partner)
And I realize this has nothing to do with trans issues at this point; please excuse me, I'll see myself out
"so my mum found out you're trans and is pressuring me to end this because she hates trans, so what should I do?"
Is that even a conversation after that point?
If he's considering breaking up to keep his mum happy, then yeah...he's already said the relationship is nothing compared to his safety and convenience, so what would you even do at that point? Is there really a best case scenario?
i haven't really commented on speed's situation much because i would say things that would probably warrant a ban even if everyone agreed with me, but speed i do want to say, even though you probably know it in your head, even though you probably tell it to yourself, seriously, make sure you're looking after yourself and getting yourself the help you need to mentally bear through this all no matter what you choose
i know you've struggled with your mental health in the past and i just ask you to make sure you stay vigilant against the bad places this situation will try and take your mind, because it's not true and we all think you're rad* and there's totally always something you can do even if it doesn't feel like it and you don't believe it when you tell it to yourself. we believe in your capability to survive this life situation.
Speed, I know at least a little bit of your pain man. The idea of my parents finding out that I'm dating a boy frankly terrifies me because of the ridiculous chain of possible repercussions. Not as ridiculous as yours sounds, mind you.
I know 100% my mum would NOT be ok with it in any way, and I still don't really know how dad would respond. What I do know is that mum's anxiety disorder would flare up something insane, and then her depression, and then dad's depression. And then mum would probably want to kick me out of their house and I honestly don't know what I'd do then.
And then everyone at church would find out and that's a whole other can of fish I don't even want to begin to think about.
But I just can't let this fear stop me from being who I am and finding out more about myself and being in a relationship that, so far, is making me incredibly happy. I can't let myself be beholden to my parents in regards to my personal life forever, and neither can you.
I know none of this is gonna help at all but I guess I just wanna give you some e-support from someone with a sorta similar situation.
In support of you here, dude, 100%. We will back you on this, even if someone needs to be in the room with you when you come out to your dad.
End of the day, and this might be controversial of me to say, the sad reality is that it's an individual's responsibility to care for their own mental health. Sure, community stuff absolutely helps - people being nice, supportive, doing the right thing - and is super important because it makes recovery easier (shoot, even possible in some cases), but ultimately the responsibility for being well lies with the individual.
If your coming out flares their mental health issues, that is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, it is a trigger. But people get help so that triggers don't knock them on their asses. Triggers will always happen - some are avoidable, some, realistically, aren't. And we as a community can try to reduce their prevalence, but 100% avoidance is nigh impossible. Consider that thoughts are triggers, too, and we don't teach people to avoid certain thoughts, we teach them how to deal with them when they pop up; treatment comes from having to reduce one's sensitivity to triggers, or to build tools in how to respond when a trigger appears.
As it is, it sounds like you have your own mental health to think about in the coming out process. Coming out might be GOOD for your mental health - why would yours come at the cost of others? It doesn't work that way. Do whatever is best for you in your context, but please do not take on more than is appropriate for you to take on.
if someone told me my life was to be a duplicate of theirs right down to who I socialized with because I was to be another form of social chess they are playing
Hey Speed, I can relate to your situation. In high school, I dated a girl and when my dad found out, he forbid me from seeing her. I of course thought, "Well fuck you, I'm going to see her anyway."
When he found out, I was taking a shower, getting ready for school for the day and he started banging on the glass shower door, screaming and calling me a whore and a son of a bitch. A few years later, when he found out that I am trans, one of the things that he said to me is that I am the reason that he has stomach ulcers, because I make him angry (not because of the fact that he's a belligerent alcoholic).
It was hard to learn that all of the things that my dad said was bull shit because I was brainwashed, I had been hearing these fucked up messages for a long time. From my earliest memories, I had been verbally and physically abused by him.
I hope that you are able to get to a point where you can live free from your parent's guilt and judgement. I wish you happiness and peace. I really wish that you didn't feel like you have to break up with this girl. I know a few people already mentioned therapy but I just can't say enough about how much a good therapist can help with any issues. Heck, maybe you could even go to family therapy sessions. It might help your parents understand and work through thier own prejudice and learn how to be better, more understanding parents. But I know it's scary to think about family sessions. I haven't spoken to my dad in 7 years and he is not the type of guy who would even consider going to a family session. So, it's not for everyone.
I hope that you have a support system near you. If not, everyone on this forum is here for you and I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. You are an awesome person! Be good to yourself.
*hugs*
I'll echo everyone here who's saying "do what's right for you, not what's right for your mother"
That's about as civil as I can say it without being incredibly mean to the parents of someone I don't know, and I'm keeping it that civil out of respect to you, not them
We've passed a gender neutral marriage bill today. By an absolute landslide. One constituency in Dublin voted 100% yes. People flew home from all over the world to vote.
I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. We've gone from homosexuality being illegal until 1993 to marriage equality by popular vote. And better trans rights is next on the agenda with bills in the works since last year. I'm so proud of my little country right now.
We've passed a gender neutral marriage bill today. By an absolute landslide. One constituency in Dublin voted 100% yes. People flew home from all over the world to vote.
I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. We've gone from homosexuality being illegal until 1993 to marriage equality by popular vote. And better trans rights is next on the agenda with bills in the works since last year. I'm so proud of my little country right now.
OMG!!! That's incredible! That makes me so happy!!! I have never been to Ireland but I really want to visit and maybe even move there someday! Most of my heritage is Irish. I am literally jumping up and down with giddiness! I look forward to seeing what happens with the transgender bills also!
We've passed a gender neutral marriage bill today. By an absolute landslide. One constituency in Dublin voted 100% yes. People flew home from all over the world to vote.
I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. We've gone from homosexuality being illegal until 1993 to marriage equality by popular vote. And better trans rights is next on the agenda with bills in the works since last year. I'm so proud of my little country right now.
And now, a music dedication to the Irish Catholic Church from the son of two people who spent the early part of their lives in its monstrous shadow.
We've passed a gender neutral marriage bill today. By an absolute landslide. One constituency in Dublin voted 100% yes. People flew home from all over the world to vote.
I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. We've gone from homosexuality being illegal until 1993 to marriage equality by popular vote. And better trans rights is next on the agenda with bills in the works since last year. I'm so proud of my little country right now.
Speed, I wish I had some sage advice... I really don't, I guess. I've struggled with similar shit and I can't put into words how I dealt with it... beyond having "getting the hell out" as my laser-focused goal.
I would talk to your girlfriend though, give her a heads up that your family is being turbo-shitty right now. Let her know she is awesome (and that you are awesome) but don't break up with her, okay?
And remember: "illegitimi non carborundum."
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
My sage advice is to tell your mom you broke up with her and keep dating her. At the same time, work on getting out from under them even if it means being homeless.
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
A day of hormones and the bad boners have stopped. Thank freaking god
Plus she did bring up what is a completely valid point, which is that if my dad were to ever find out it might literally kill him, between his strong hatred of anything even vaguely adjacent to homosexuality and the fact that strong emotions give him seizures because of his brain damage
Finding out that I'm romantically involved with a person with a penis could honestly turn him into a vegetable
No, that's not a valid point. " hey, your father is such a bigot he might die" does not win you first prize at the county fair.
100% this.
It is not your responsibility to tiptoe around your parents bigoted sensibilities so that you being tolerant to others doesn't set off their bullshit.
At the risk of maybe being a little too frank...Speed, it sounds like you're lying to yourself about something here. The question is what it is.
It's possible that you don't actually care about this girl as much as you say, and you just feel guilty about breaking up with her. If you would genuinely rather dump her than deal with the inconvenience of, at minimum, lying to your family about her, then that doesn't speak all that highly of the relationship. If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. There's nothing to be done about it and no sense in leading her on. But you'll be happier if you admit it.
Or there's the well-covered possibility that you're lying to yourself about how much agency you have. You think you have no choice . You ALWAYS have a choice. You could choose to stand up to your mother and deal with whatever hell that entails. You could choose to try to lie about the relationship. It's not a great choice, but it's yours to make. You can't really absolve yourself of responsibility by shrugging your shoulders and saying that it's out of your hands, even though it's tempting because it would be easier. That's what your mother wants you to believe, but it isn't actually true.
So, I guess my advice would be: if you're only dumping her because you "have no choice", then don't dump her. If dumping her will result in you spending the next year obsessing over what would have happened if you'd stayed, don't dump her. If you do choose to dump her, then for your own sake, own that decision. Own your decision whatever you do. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise.
That's the thought process I would use if it were me in your position, anyway.
It's not out of my hands, I know that. I have to make a choice
The choice is to either break up now, lose the nice budding relationship we have, and keep the rest of my life tolerable
Or resist, either actively or through lying, and continue seeing her while pressure continues to mount at home and hope that the benefit of the relationship continues to outpace the constantly increasing cost
It's basically either cut my losses or go double or nothing
And as fucking awful as it is in the short term, cutting my losses feels like the better of two bad choices
I'm just waiting for her to get off work to talk to her about it
frankly i really just wish i had foreseen this outcome and not asked her out in the first place
man it fucking sucks that you feel this way. We got to see you get super excited, super anxious, hear about the both of you coming out of your shells and start to get cozy and that is all really really cool. DOUBLE SUPER COOL because anxiety is the butts.
I hope when the dust settle you don't feel this way anymore. Anytime you challenge yourself is a good thing, and good memories with good people is the whole gosh dang point of getting up in the morning.
My mom texted me about how she was taking out the trash and a guy said "Oh you're doing the man's work tonight" She laughed it off and said "I guess so" and the guy responded with "Maybe you're one of those transgender guys."
She says how just a few months ago she probably wouldn't have thought about it but now she realizes how little people know and how horrible they can be with this topic.
My mom texted me about how she was taking out the trash and a guy said "Oh you're doing the man's work tonight" She laughed it off and said "I guess so" and the guy responded with "Maybe you're one of those transgender guys."
What in the world
Aside from being shitty, this is the craziest logical jump I've ever seen a person make
My mom texted me about how she was taking out the trash and a guy said "Oh you're doing the man's work tonight" She laughed it off and said "I guess so" and the guy responded with "Maybe you're one of those transgender guys."
What in the world
Aside from being shitty, this is the craziest logical jump I've ever seen a person make
Yeah, it's such a weird roundabout joke. It's like the guy just learned the word that day and was itching to use it.
Posts
It has taken a lot, a few fights, I even had a "well maybe you should find yourself another place to live" and I countered with the 'mutually assured destruction.' If I leave, you are cutting me out of your life, is it worth losing a son over? And further, that they could either respect me as an adult living at home, or a disabled tenant paying rent, and it would be their behavior that would make that choice.
So yeah, my mother made empty threats because she thought it would scare me. And if I was in your position, speed, and my mom said that 'coming out' might kill a bigoted father, then I would counter by saying 'well, then that's MY leverage. If you think it will kill him, then leave me alone, stay out of this, or else I will 'come out.'
I.... don't know if that's the right thing
If Speed's making this decision for his own welfare, then that decision-making is all in his own hands. If it's about taking care of himself, he has to take care of himself first. Principle can come later
It might suck for her, or it might result in her being happier than she would be dating Speed when he's under the kind of pressure that his family would create for him, or many other things
But he has to make the decision for himself, not for her, and it's his decision as to whether or not he can handle being in that relationship
unilateral decisions are rarely a good idea in a relationship, at any point
And I realize this has nothing to do with trans issues at this point; please excuse me, I'll see myself out
"so my mum found out you're trans and is pressuring me to end this because she hates trans, so what should I do?"
Is that even a conversation after that point?
If he's considering breaking up to keep his mum happy, then yeah...he's already said the relationship is nothing compared to his safety and convenience, so what would you even do at that point? Is there really a best case scenario?
i know you've struggled with your mental health in the past and i just ask you to make sure you stay vigilant against the bad places this situation will try and take your mind, because it's not true and we all think you're rad* and there's totally always something you can do even if it doesn't feel like it and you don't believe it when you tell it to yourself. we believe in your capability to survive this life situation.
xoxoxoxo
inantp
*well i think you're okay but
Argh, gosh, why are you so nice viv
hey
hey i see that
WHAT DID I JUST SAY, MISTER RACER.
I would never speak to them again
it's sad that this is labeled as parenting
When he found out, I was taking a shower, getting ready for school for the day and he started banging on the glass shower door, screaming and calling me a whore and a son of a bitch. A few years later, when he found out that I am trans, one of the things that he said to me is that I am the reason that he has stomach ulcers, because I make him angry (not because of the fact that he's a belligerent alcoholic).
It was hard to learn that all of the things that my dad said was bull shit because I was brainwashed, I had been hearing these fucked up messages for a long time. From my earliest memories, I had been verbally and physically abused by him.
I hope that you are able to get to a point where you can live free from your parent's guilt and judgement. I wish you happiness and peace. I really wish that you didn't feel like you have to break up with this girl. I know a few people already mentioned therapy but I just can't say enough about how much a good therapist can help with any issues. Heck, maybe you could even go to family therapy sessions. It might help your parents understand and work through thier own prejudice and learn how to be better, more understanding parents. But I know it's scary to think about family sessions. I haven't spoken to my dad in 7 years and he is not the type of guy who would even consider going to a family session. So, it's not for everyone.
I hope that you have a support system near you. If not, everyone on this forum is here for you and I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. You are an awesome person! Be good to yourself.
*hugs*
http://blindandlowvisionsupport.tumblr.com/
Help me out: http://www.youcaring.com/other/help-jordan-see-ireland-before-he-goes-blind-/336416/
...
Fuck, Speed, I'm sorry, that shit sucks
I'll echo everyone here who's saying "do what's right for you, not what's right for your mother"
That's about as civil as I can say it without being incredibly mean to the parents of someone I don't know, and I'm keeping it that civil out of respect to you, not them
I'm so sorry people here have to go through that. You deserve better. All of you.
My Let's Play Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC2go70QLfwGq-hW4nvUqmog
We've passed a gender neutral marriage bill today. By an absolute landslide. One constituency in Dublin voted 100% yes. People flew home from all over the world to vote.
I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. We've gone from homosexuality being illegal until 1993 to marriage equality by popular vote. And better trans rights is next on the agenda with bills in the works since last year. I'm so proud of my little country right now.
OMG!!! That's incredible! That makes me so happy!!! I have never been to Ireland but I really want to visit and maybe even move there someday! Most of my heritage is Irish. I am literally jumping up and down with giddiness! I look forward to seeing what happens with the transgender bills also!
http://blindandlowvisionsupport.tumblr.com/
Help me out: http://www.youcaring.com/other/help-jordan-see-ireland-before-he-goes-blind-/336416/
And now, a music dedication to the Irish Catholic Church from the son of two people who spent the early part of their lives in its monstrous shadow.
Hooray!
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.....
.....
I have to post it
I would talk to your girlfriend though, give her a heads up that your family is being turbo-shitty right now. Let her know she is awesome (and that you are awesome) but don't break up with her, okay?
And remember: "illegitimi non carborundum."
100% this.
It is not your responsibility to tiptoe around your parents bigoted sensibilities so that you being tolerant to others doesn't set off their bullshit.
It's possible that you don't actually care about this girl as much as you say, and you just feel guilty about breaking up with her. If you would genuinely rather dump her than deal with the inconvenience of, at minimum, lying to your family about her, then that doesn't speak all that highly of the relationship. If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. There's nothing to be done about it and no sense in leading her on. But you'll be happier if you admit it.
Or there's the well-covered possibility that you're lying to yourself about how much agency you have. You think you have no choice . You ALWAYS have a choice. You could choose to stand up to your mother and deal with whatever hell that entails. You could choose to try to lie about the relationship. It's not a great choice, but it's yours to make. You can't really absolve yourself of responsibility by shrugging your shoulders and saying that it's out of your hands, even though it's tempting because it would be easier. That's what your mother wants you to believe, but it isn't actually true.
So, I guess my advice would be: if you're only dumping her because you "have no choice", then don't dump her. If dumping her will result in you spending the next year obsessing over what would have happened if you'd stayed, don't dump her. If you do choose to dump her, then for your own sake, own that decision. Own your decision whatever you do. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise.
That's the thought process I would use if it were me in your position, anyway.
The choice is to either break up now, lose the nice budding relationship we have, and keep the rest of my life tolerable
Or resist, either actively or through lying, and continue seeing her while pressure continues to mount at home and hope that the benefit of the relationship continues to outpace the constantly increasing cost
It's basically either cut my losses or go double or nothing
And as fucking awful as it is in the short term, cutting my losses feels like the better of two bad choices
I'm just waiting for her to get off work to talk to her about it
http://www.audioentropy.com/
Don't also let us force you into a decision by making you feel bad for breaking up with her or whatever.
Serious Talk #5 about this in the span of two days
I can't deal
sorry
http://www.audioentropy.com/
http://www.audioentropy.com/
Never tell your mom that you're dating
And 500 other terrible lessons I've learned growing up in an abusive household.
man it fucking sucks that you feel this way. We got to see you get super excited, super anxious, hear about the both of you coming out of your shells and start to get cozy and that is all really really cool. DOUBLE SUPER COOL because anxiety is the butts.
I hope when the dust settle you don't feel this way anymore. Anytime you challenge yourself is a good thing, and good memories with good people is the whole gosh dang point of getting up in the morning.
which just makes me feel all the shittier that i wasn't
http://www.audioentropy.com/
about how they meet a nice guy
he doesn't mind they're trans
then shit happens
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
She says how just a few months ago she probably wouldn't have thought about it but now she realizes how little people know and how horrible they can be with this topic.
Tumblr | Twitter PSN: misterdapper Av by Satellite_09
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
What in the world
Aside from being shitty, this is the craziest logical jump I've ever seen a person make
Yeah, it's such a weird roundabout joke. It's like the guy just learned the word that day and was itching to use it.
Tumblr | Twitter PSN: misterdapper Av by Satellite_09