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Two hours to not look like an A-hole (girl thread kinda?)

ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
edited October 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Howdy there, I find myself faced with a kind of odd situation.

First, backstory.


There is this girl I know, lets call her Merri. She's cool, funny, out there, full of life, we had a ton in common whatever. So of course I have to fuck it up by having a big ole crush on her. I really dug her a whole bunch over the course of the past year. The kind of whole bunch that makes you feel like a moron, ya know?

So we were at a party, I was drunk, She was going on about there were bunches of guys that liked her, and told her I "liked her" too, because apparently I'm in seventh grade and have no tact. She pretty much shuts me down in the nicest way possible. The next day she pretends like nothing happened at all. She was drunk, so perhaps she forgot, but I doubt it.


Flash foward a couple of weeks. I am hanging out with my buddy Dennis. We get along pretty well, have a lot in common, games, comics, what have you - he was quickly becoming my go to buddy. I told him of my somewhat strong like for Merri. We were both drunk, and we kind of bonded over our lack of luck with the ladies and such, and I felt we had some kind of moment of male bonding.

Fast forward, last Thursday.

Me, Him, her, and his room mate are all getting hammered and being silly and what have you. Merri and Dennis start making out and being drunken slobs. I notice this out of the corner of my eye. I had been drinking pretty heavily because I had a rough week. Stuff at home, school, I got a huge bill I don't know how I'll pay, lots of stuff piling up, so I drank a lot (bad idea, I know).

Now here's where I feel like something of an asshole. I want to go home. I live in a big city and felt kind of bad leaving Merri to her own devices and to navigate home on her own, but she's a big girl and I wanted to go home. So I informed the entire gang I was headed out.

Merri balks and asks me to stay, it's only 1am. I say fine, I honestly didn't mind.

I pass out on the couch and wake about 45 minutes later in the gnarliest mood ever. Headache, angry, irritable, I can barely stand. Merri and I take off for the train.

I let a buncha stuff that's been bugging me out. Stuff that had been nagging at me for literally years that I never told anyone, it just all pours out. I mean I've confided in her before, but typically it's about external stuff, I was talking about my learning disability and how my mom kept it from me, how without me home the family seems to hate eachother, really big stuff that I typically keep to myself. I don't mention her and Dennis' business, because it really isn't my place.

Anyway, today she wants to "talk" to me about what happened Thursday.

Here are my fears:

1) She thinks my bad mood and angry drinking was inspired by her and Dennis's trangressions. I do NOT want to be that guy, want her to think I'm that guy, or think I even know a guy like that.

2) I am kind of pissed at my friend Dennis for successfully macking it with the girl I liked? I know it's not my business and nothing was there in the first place between her and me, but it's still a bit of a dick move in my opinion - I'm mad at myself for being mad at Dennis - and I'm afraid he caught on.

3) My biggest fear is that these two get together, Dennis tells Merri about how much I liked her (which really could be construed as a creepy amount, I think), and I'm out a friend.

4) I think my biggest thing is that aside from him being a little less round in some places and having more facial hair, we're kinda the same guy. The biggest difference is that I've been a gentlemen, opting not to get all grabby and kissy when hammered, and he did, and he was justly rewarded.

So, PA, it's a fucked up situation, and Merri is calling me in an hour to "Talk" about it, whatever that means.

I just want to keep my friend, lol.

I suppose I should also note two things: One, Dennis's room mate is also a good friend of mine, and knows of my feelings for Merri, and my discontent at that night. Two, I already talked to Dennis since, but we just bullshitted about KOTOR and kept shit light, so I'm not too worried about bad blood there.

ANTVGM64 on

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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Here's the thing. If you can't be friends with her, then don't be. Faking being a friend is just going to lead to this kind of fucked up shit. Despite what you may want, you've kind of proven here that you can't be just friends with this girl at least not right now.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
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    LintillaLintilla Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    This might not have anything to do with you or the other guy liking her. I mean, when someone gets drunk and confides secrets to me like that, I usually try to follow up with them when we're not drunk to let them know that I remember having the conversation (so they don't have to wonder) and to just generally make sure they don't feel embarrassed or have any concerns about whatever they talked about getting around to other people. So uh, wait to see what she has to say before freaking out and worrying you'll accidentally be "that guy" or that she's about to date this Dennis kid?

    Lintilla on
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    Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Yeah, I think you need some time away from her. You can't be friends while you're pining for her. Get over her, then be friends.

    If she's anything like one of my exes, she'll tell you this and then never call, then wonder why you're so annoyed later.

    Sir Carcass on
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    ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Yes I tend to jump to conclusions in my head.

    Anyway, I imagine the conversation will be about my pissy mood that night, or her feeling bad for making out with the kid in my presensce, which would make me feel ten times worse.

    The other problem is that we're pretty close friends, in class together, doing a project together, et all. So time away is kind a no go.

    ANTVGM64 on
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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Try not to get overexcited here. Worry and anxiety aren't your friends, and forecasting all these negative emotions is just going to make yourself feel more overwhelmed. Try to clear your mind before this conversation and just listen, otherwise you're susceptible to reading too much into things and making judgements based on your fluctuating emotions rather than the facts of what is being said.

    Calm down and keep your mind focused on what is actually happening, not what you fear has happend or may happen.

    Ringo on
    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    ED!ED! Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    This wont end well. You've got to make the decision right now whether you want to be her friend, or whether you want something more her. One of them, you probably aren't going to get.

    As for her "choosing" the other guy - as you said he didn't get to make out with her on his own devices, booze was involved. And perhaps she doesn't want to do that with you because she DOES consider you a friend. . .a GOOD friend. I know it sucks, but sometimes people do value that more than a "relationship". I hear people say all the time "Man we get a long so well. . .and its so great spending time together - how come she doesn't want me as a boyfriend. . ." - and the answer is simple. . .because the friendship is infinitely more valuable than introducing THOSE kinds of problems into the dynamic. You can fuck up royally as a friend, and still be able to salvage that bond in the end. . .not so much as a lover.

    As for the dude making out with the girl. . .hes a dick. Bro-Code.

    ED! on
    "Get the hell out of me" - [ex]girlfriend
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    ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    See I had made peace with the business that likely her and I wouldn't be a thing outside of friends, that was cool with me. I was being Pissy because my friend decided to get all up ins her in front of me?

    I think I'm blowing this up to be nothing, I'ma play it cool and see where it goes. Thanks' y'all.

    ANTVGM64 on
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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Yes, play it cool. Also, we expect an update.

    Ringo on
    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    It helps that you're not drunk today. Which is likely why she wants to talk outside of a party. If she starts the conversation a little weird, and you want to keep her as a friend, point out that you were irritable after the short nap and had a headache, and you'd have probably ranted regardless of who was with you going home. I think it's perfectly fine to admit emotions or feelings when someone calls you up "to talk," or in general is asking about your wellbeing -- stuff like "yeah, I have been depressed lately," or "I've got a lot of stuff on my plate and I'm pretty stressed out," or what have you. You don't need to be "it's nothing, ignore it," because that comes off more like an asshole.

    Yes, a drunken rant can make you look rude, but not necessarily an asshole. Ignoring the rant the next time you talk to the person as if nothing ever happened, and expecting them to ignore it as well, that makes you an asshole. So own up to the situation. As long as you don't say you love her more than anything in the world and want to get married and have children with her, she probably won't find it creepy.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I purposely scrolled to read what Eggy said because he is pretty much right on the ball with this sort of advise. In short, what he said.

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I agree with all the advice given, and would add that your "buddy" was indeed being a dick, drunk or not. While you should still be able to be friends with this girl, your very recent feelings for her were very clear to your "buddy" and he should at the very least have asked you if you would be offended first. If a friend of mine is or has recently been interested in someone, it's not worth losing a friendship over what could be avoided by simply having a talk with them before I play tonsil hockey.

    joshofalltrades on
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    DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Is there an update to this at all? Not going to lie, pretty curious as to what she wanted to talk about.

    DrZiplock on
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    ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    DrZiplock wrote: »
    Is there an update to this at all? Not going to lie, pretty curious as to what she wanted to talk about.

    Add me to the list of 'curious'.

    wtf OP...update?

    Shawnasee on
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    ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.

    ANTVGM64 on
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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Terrible

    Ringo on
    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    KarlKarl Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    hahaha.

    But from now, try to not be involved as much as possible between your two friends. It sucks being caught in the middle at the best of times, and with you having feelings for her it will be even worse.

    So yeah, try to be avoid being involved as much as humanly possible.

    Karl on
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.
    Flash foward a couple of weeks. I am hanging out with my buddy Dennis. We get along pretty well, have a lot in common, games, comics, what have you - he was quickly becoming my go to buddy. I told him of my somewhat strong like for Merri. We were both drunk, and we kind of bonded over our lack of luck with the ladies and such, and I felt we had some kind of moment of male bonding.

    ummmm... did he know that this was the same girl that he was making out with at the party?

    Because if he didn't ask you if it was cool that's a pretty dick move on his part.

    Deebaser on
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    rockmonkeyrockmonkey Little RockRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.

    A good female friend of yours, to whom you've expressed feelings for but were shot down, drunkenly makes out with one of your best friends infront of you... inconsiderate, but they were drunk and there's nothing between you and her besides friendship so I'll give it a pass.

    BUT! asking your advice after she tried to fuck him but he couldn't get it up, and what should she do? Man that's a bit harsh. I mean not only is that probably awkward for YOU, but for your male friend as well.

    If you had failed to get it up the first time you tried to has sex with a chick and then she turned around and discussed the failure with your best friend wouldn't that embarrass/piss you off?

    What is she thinking? Lets kick up as much drama inducing bullcrap as possible by putting both these guys in uncomfortable situations?

    rockmonkey on
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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Deebaser wrote: »
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.
    Flash foward a couple of weeks. I am hanging out with my buddy Dennis. We get along pretty well, have a lot in common, games, comics, what have you - he was quickly becoming my go to buddy. I told him of my somewhat strong like for Merri. We were both drunk, and we kind of bonded over our lack of luck with the ladies and such, and I felt we had some kind of moment of male bonding.

    ummmm... did he know that this was the same girl that he was making out with at the party?

    Because if he didn't ask you if it was cool that's a pretty dick move on his part.

    No, it's not. The OP doesn't own this girl. She and the friend can do whatever the hell they want. They don't need his permission. But this is exactly why I said he should consider dialing back the friendship... possibly both friendships. OP, you really don't want to be the guy she comes to and talks about your friend dick. Not if you have feelings for her. That's just going to breed resentment and bitterness. If you're going to continue the friendship, you at least need to set some boundaries.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • Options
    DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    rockmonkey wrote: »
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.

    A good female friend of yours, to whom you've expressed feelings for but were shot down, drunkenly makes out with one of your best friends infront of you... inconsiderate, but they were drunk and there's nothing between you and her besides friendship so I'll give it a pass.

    BUT! asking your advice after she tried to fuck him but he couldn't get it up, and what should she do? Man that's a bit harsh. I mean not only is that probably awkward for YOU, but for your male friend as well.

    If you had failed to get it up the first time you tried to has sex with a chick and then she turned around and discussed the failure with your best friend wouldn't that embarrass/piss you off?

    What is she thinking? Lets kick up as much drama inducing bullcrap as possible by putting both these guys in uncomfortable situations?

    Seriously.

    Chick needs to be dropped.

    "Hey, I know you like me and all that, but I'm digging on your best friend and he can't even get it up...what should I do?"

    "Well...you could fuck off."

    DrZiplock on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Yeah, I have to agree with the good doctor here, this is a serious of dick moves on their part, namely the girl's.

    The Black Hunter on
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    ZampanovZampanov You May Not Go Home Until Tonight Has Been MagicalRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    DrZiplock wrote: »
    rockmonkey wrote: »
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.

    A good female friend of yours, to whom you've expressed feelings for but were shot down, drunkenly makes out with one of your best friends infront of you... inconsiderate, but they were drunk and there's nothing between you and her besides friendship so I'll give it a pass.

    BUT! asking your advice after she tried to fuck him but he couldn't get it up, and what should she do? Man that's a bit harsh. I mean not only is that probably awkward for YOU, but for your male friend as well.

    If you had failed to get it up the first time you tried to has sex with a chick and then she turned around and discussed the failure with your best friend wouldn't that embarrass/piss you off?

    What is she thinking? Lets kick up as much drama inducing bullcrap as possible by putting both these guys in uncomfortable situations?

    Seriously.

    Chick needs to be dropped.

    "Hey, I know you like me and all that, but I'm digging on your best friend and he can't even get it up...what should I do?"

    "Well...you could fuck off."

    Or "It sounds like his dick is just observing standard bro code. Give it a fist-bump for me the next time you see it."

    Zampanov on
    r4zgei8pcfod.gif
    PSN/XBL: Zampanov -- Steam: Zampanov
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Sentry wrote: »
    Deebaser wrote: »
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.
    Flash foward a couple of weeks. I am hanging out with my buddy Dennis. We get along pretty well, have a lot in common, games, comics, what have you - he was quickly becoming my go to buddy. I told him of my somewhat strong like for Merri. We were both drunk, and we kind of bonded over our lack of luck with the ladies and such, and I felt we had some kind of moment of male bonding.

    ummmm... did he know that this was the same girl that he was making out with at the party?

    Because if he didn't ask you if it was cool that's a pretty dick move on his part.

    No, it's not. The OP doesn't own this girl. She and the friend can do whatever the hell they want. They don't need his permission. But this is exactly why I said he should consider dialing back the friendship... possibly both friendships. OP, you really don't want to be the guy she comes to and talks about your friend dick. Not if you have feelings for her. That's just going to breed resentment and bitterness. If you're going to continue the friendship, you at least need to set some boundaries.

    It has nothing to do with ownership, it's about respect. If my bro was pouring his heart out to me about a girl one week, I sure as hell would not drunkenly hook up with her at a party the next week because I expect a similar level of courtesy from a friend.

    Not to say you can put an indefinite hold on a girl, but definitely a dick move that no doubt played a part in the girl-rage the OP pulled on the train.

    Deebaser on
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Zampanov wrote: »
    DrZiplock wrote: »
    rockmonkey wrote: »
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.

    A good female friend of yours, to whom you've expressed feelings for but were shot down, drunkenly makes out with one of your best friends infront of you... inconsiderate, but they were drunk and there's nothing between you and her besides friendship so I'll give it a pass.

    BUT! asking your advice after she tried to fuck him but he couldn't get it up, and what should she do? Man that's a bit harsh. I mean not only is that probably awkward for YOU, but for your male friend as well.

    If you had failed to get it up the first time you tried to has sex with a chick and then she turned around and discussed the failure with your best friend wouldn't that embarrass/piss you off?

    What is she thinking? Lets kick up as much drama inducing bullcrap as possible by putting both these guys in uncomfortable situations?

    Seriously.

    Chick needs to be dropped.

    "Hey, I know you like me and all that, but I'm digging on your best friend and he can't even get it up...what should I do?"

    "Well...you could fuck off."

    Or "It sounds like his dick is just observing standard bro code. Give it a fist-bump for me the next time you see it."


    Best call for a cock-punching I've ever seen.

    Deebaser on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I initially didn't get that

    but yes, that is good

    The Black Hunter on
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    ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Sentry wrote: »
    Deebaser wrote: »
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    Okay, so she never called me yesterday, but we talked today.

    What a load of my nuts. She was just curious if I knew anything about what happened. They made out that night, then a few days later hung out and the guy, Dennis, couldn't get it up (likely nerves). She was curious what she should do.

    Phew.
    Flash foward a couple of weeks. I am hanging out with my buddy Dennis. We get along pretty well, have a lot in common, games, comics, what have you - he was quickly becoming my go to buddy. I told him of my somewhat strong like for Merri. We were both drunk, and we kind of bonded over our lack of luck with the ladies and such, and I felt we had some kind of moment of male bonding.

    ummmm... did he know that this was the same girl that he was making out with at the party?

    Because if he didn't ask you if it was cool that's a pretty dick move on his part.

    No, it's not. The OP doesn't own this girl. She and the friend can do whatever the hell they want. They don't need his permission. But this is exactly why I said he should consider dialing back the friendship... possibly both friendships. OP, you really don't want to be the guy she comes to and talks about your friend dick. Not if you have feelings for her. That's just going to breed resentment and bitterness. If you're going to continue the friendship, you at least need to set some boundaries.

    See that's another thing, because he knew I liked her, but I think he had liked her for a bit too - so I don't think it was a random hook up as much as him making out with the girl he had a crush on, ya know?

    ANTVGM64 on
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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    See that's another thing, because he knew I liked her, but I think he had liked her for a bit too - so I don't think it was a random hook up as much as him making out with the girl he had a crush on, ya know?

    In front of you.

    That's not cool.

    I've dicked a guy over before. It happens. But there's a difference between dicking a guy over, and dicking him over and rubbing his face in it. One is selfish, the other is selfish, unthoughtful, and inconsiderate.

    admanb on
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