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New Relationship "too fast"
Owens19
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Ok so in September I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend because she cheated on me and i felt i could no longer trust her...and a bunch of other things that i could no longer stand in the relationship. literally like right after we broke up i started hanging out with a co-worker who i happen to be good friends with. She is always with her best friend so when we would hang out her best friend would be with us as well. I got to know her friend really well and we ended up hitting it off...
We started hanging out on our own and before you know it about a month after my break up, we were official. Just the other day, about 3 weeks into the new relationship, she breaks up with me, pretty much saying that she feels like a rebound because I was barely single a month before we started going out. Me personally i cant stand being single, which is why i started talking to this girl almost right after breaking up with my ex. i do understand where she's coming from though because she IS the first girl i hung out with since ive been single, but i really do like her.
She said, "As much as you say im not a rebound, everything screams that i am a rebound. i need to be sure you can be single and i'm not just another girl for you to avoid being alone. Please understand how i feel..."
I guess i kind of understand where she's coming from, but i don't know what to do or say to show her that she is not a rebound and i really do like her
Any advice appreciated
Thanks
We started hanging out on our own and before you know it about a month after my break up, we were official. Just the other day, about 3 weeks into the new relationship, she breaks up with me, pretty much saying that she feels like a rebound because I was barely single a month before we started going out. Me personally i cant stand being single, which is why i started talking to this girl almost right after breaking up with my ex. i do understand where she's coming from though because she IS the first girl i hung out with since ive been single, but i really do like her.
She said, "As much as you say im not a rebound, everything screams that i am a rebound. i need to be sure you can be single and i'm not just another girl for you to avoid being alone. Please understand how i feel..."
I guess i kind of understand where she's coming from, but i don't know what to do or say to show her that she is not a rebound and i really do like her
Any advice appreciated
Thanks
Owens19 on
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If she isn't will ing to take that chance, then just drop the issue. She obviously doesn't want to be with you that much and there's no use agonizing over how you can change that.
And yeah, when you say that you can't stand being single, it really does give the impression that this girl is someone you want to be with just for the hell of it.
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That's if you really care about her. If it's just a mild caring, go date around. Actually HAVE a rebound fling, and then come back to her and say "there, it's out of my system, now can we carry on?" Then you'll see if she was being honest with you.
You need to be comfortable with being single though, as lonely as it gets sometimes. Find hobbies for yourself, not just things that you do that others are able to join in on.
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Yeah uh...
I think you need to be single for a while.
If you think Im interested in you only because I need a rebound then lets wait a month and see we feel the same then. Lets make sure that this is for real.
or whatever your language will allow. tell her that you will wait and see what happens.
if she is truly not interested, you will know.
It is not unusual for semi-decent relationships to fail because the timing sucks.
I think your ask here is impossible, because you are trying to think of something outside of your normal actions that would prove what you believe is your 'normal' way of being. Anything you come up with would not be a natural extension, it would be an add-on, and so wouldn't really reflect who you are. All you'll wind up doing is proving yourself to be something you're not.
There are some interesting things about that- if you would have to go out of your way to be someone else, what does that say about who you are right now? Is this person aware of the double bind, and is it an accurate assessment, simple insecurity, or a subtle way out? All three? Mix'd and matched? Or something else, like a desire for more after a cooling off period?
The theme is, hey buddy, mebbe slow things down for a bit so you can be sure of yourself. Examine yourself and your options. And its not a bad idea; you obviously have some blinders on already when it comes to this girl. Anyone can see you're not looking at all the options, you're looking to seize the option thats right in front of you.
Theres nothing wrong with that, lots of folk work that way. The 'rebound' idea is just an idea, it doesn't always apply. Lots of people only focus on the relationship they have until it dissolves, and then it doesn't exist anymore. Almost instantly, they are free to pursue another relationship. Take another shot on whomever and see how it goes. To them, exploring options means going through the length of each option (relationship) presented. It's not spectacularily efficient, but its as healthy as anything else.
Such people tend to be loyal, forgiving, and willing to work on the issues as they come- if things don't work out they know down deep that they gave it a good honest shot, and so when its gone there's not a lot of lingering regret or attachment. Such things are the key to moving on quickly, which is why they can do so with ease. They worked on things during, so theres not a lot of cleanup after.
Your options here aren't really as broad as they seem. You can start playing your cards a little closer to your chest, holding back on the expression on how you feel until the other person catches up. You can take the assessment to heart, and break your current relationship off to explore another option. You can ignore the signs and go in super hard and fast in an attempt to force a more intimate connection.
Whatever you do, keep in mind that the issue itself stems from a major difference between you and this girl about how relationships are formed, maintained and handled. That's a pretty big red flag. It's going to come up from time to time. In this particular story, when this girl falls, she falls deep, and for her, its not just going to disappear when things are over. This is your warning shot, and it was fired for a good reason. It's easy for you to jump in with both feet and go hard from step one, and as a result there's no measure of 'being sure' because your enthusiasm always ensures your 'sureness' is pinned at 100%.
It sounds very much like she is being cautious, acting only after solid assessment, and her assessment is that since you have no measure of your own surity, the next best thing is to make sure that you have run through the numbers, had a certain length of time here and a few things that didn't work out and oh now its okay for you to go again- whatever emotional equation she has in her head that works out to equal a good chance at a stable and healthy relationship. You can either be a product of that equation, or GTFO.
Or, as your first question proposed, you can try to find a way to fake it. I ain't saying you should stop, and I ain't saying you should go. I'm saying 'Here be some fucking monsters, and p.s. mebbe the edge of the world.' So step with caution, explore with care, and maybe you'll strike gold.
Personal opinion: this is indicative of something going on in your life that you need to work on. It really helps, in the long run, if you're OK when you're single and OK when you're in a relationship. What is it, in particular, that you can't stand about being single?
Don't you think that at that point you could've fallen for pretty much any girl that has shown interest in you and that you're reasonably attracted to?
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That's really something you need to work on getting over. It's not really a healthy attitude to have.
Besides that, a month isn't usually enough time to get over any kind of serious relationship, and I strongly suspect that she was a rebound for you, regardless of whether you're in denial about it or not.
How long, exactly, were you and your ex together?
So yeah, she's probably a rebound, but the only way you can be with her is as a probable rebound. Both parties need to accept this and decide what's appropriate rather than setting arbitrary deadlines for learning to be single and hoping that the biggest flaw this guy has as a romantic interest dissipates through force of will.
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Just give her space. She's either not interested or really insecure and you can't fix either of those things.
....Or it's a sign that you just left a relationship and still feel the need to be in one, thus the term "rebound"
No seriously this right here
This is why DrFrylock here is the guy I want you all to fucking listen to when he posts in your threads.
He's asking a question that you need to answer for yourself.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
That wasn't what he was saying though, he actually flat out said "me personally I can't stand being single" which is a really bad way to go through life.
I hate to sound cliche, but it does get better with time, and that need to be constantly in a relationship will subside.
Also, and correct me if I am wrong ladies, she is more than likely worried that you are still in love with your ex. FOr a woman, and I am just quessing, this gnaws at her and increases that feeling of insecurity, hindering her ability to trust you. ANd without that feeling of trust and security, she won't be happy.
Forgive me if I'm rambling. Hopefully this helped you out a bit.
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