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I want to learn how to read people

TwoQuestionsTwoQuestions Registered User regular
edited December 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Given the collective populace of this thread seems to be more knowledgeable than Google, I thought you'd know the answer to this.

I've been completely guileless my whole life, chalk it up to general nerdiness and mild psychological problems until early college or something. Either way, I can't tell at all when people are being completely honest or not. I've heard of salesmen getting training on how to read people's gestures to guess what they're thinking, and I'd like to start learning how to do that.

Are there any books or classes that anyone on the board would recommend taking/buying to learn this skill?

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  • RetconnRetconn __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2009
    Play poker.

    Retconn on
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  • oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    People watch.

    When having a conversation, pay more attention to what a person is doing rather than focusing on what they're saying or what you're going to say next.

    If you're ADHD by any chance, you're probably out of luck.

    oldsak on
  • AwkAwk Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Take some college-level psychology courses. They have helped me evaluate people quite a bit.

    Awk on
  • Bryse EayoBryse Eayo Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Practice.

    Go out speak to people, make the mistakes and learn from them. You just have be aware of what's being communicated.

    What might also help is understanding stuff like the different personality archetypes. Just keep in mind, with a low sample size the theory behind blue, green, red and gold personalties is bullshit, but as generalisations they're not bad.

    But yeah, mostly practice.

    Bryse Eayo on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    there are pop behavioral psych books out there that will give you a bunch of common signs that people are nervous/bored/interested/whatever which might give you a helpful starting point, but they're never as authoritative as they say because everyone has their own little tics and so on. Might provide a decent starting point, but really there's no substitute for practice.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    You may want to look into

    How to win friends and influence people

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  • DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    There are classes that on subjects like communication styles (with a focus on categorizations like DISC), emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, and so on. These are generally constructed for and offered to people in, or going into, corporate management for example. This is likely one effective form of training that isn't completely bogus.

    I don't give much credence to the idea that you can "look at someone's gestures and tell what they're thinking." Yes, you can read body language and the like, but if you actually want to know what someone is thinking, you have to look at the person holistically.

    The people I know who are good at this have a constant, heightened awareness of the world around them and how people react to it. I find that people generally react very predictably in light of their motivations, goals, fears, and so on. So, if you can understand those things about a person - motivations, goals, fears, etc. - you can make a lot of sense of the world. The good "people readers" I know are also deeply introspective - they are constantly examining and thinking about their own motivations, and are very frank about them with themselves and others.

    A warning: some people are too oblivious of their own motivations and those of people around them. Then, there are some people that are overly concerned about it. It's very easy to swing from "too oblivious" to "way too concerned" in some misguided effort to become "better at reading people." If you try to read something into every gesture, every offhanded remark, or every action or inaction you're going to become an insufferable git in short order.

    Treat this as a very long-term private science experiment of your very own. When something unexpected happens in an interpersonal relationship - maybe good or maybe bad - stop and think about it for a while. Why did this take you by surprise? Were there any signs that, had you recognized them earlier, would have indicated that this might happen? (Answer: nearly always yes). If so, what were they? Why didn't you see them at the time?

    One way to improve your technique is to set expectations early. Make (private) predictions about how people will react to things and see what they actually do. Analyze why. Repeat several thousand times.

    If you meet people that are good "readers," make friends with them and talk to them about it. Most people are good readers deliberately, not accidentally. Generally they will give you insight about how they do it and what kinds of things they notice that maybe you don't. When you find yourself in a situation you're not sure about, explain it to them and ask them for their take on it. Their perspective may give you ideas that you wouldn't have thought of on your own.

    DrFrylock on
  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Given the collective populace of this thread seems to be more knowledgeable than Google

    You're crazy.

    Google knows everything.

    The Crowing One on
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  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Start conversations with strangers and listen. That's all it really takes.

    dispatch.o on
  • lifeincognitolifeincognito Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Your best bet might be to just watch some TV? Lie to me* is based off of this fellow who sort of found the scientific way to read people.

    I am not sure how detailed you wanted to get into it, but what you need to do is notice the muscle movements of the shoulders, neck, face, etc. Combine those with pitch and intonation in voice as well as eye movement and the occasional body language and BAM you can read people at a moments notice without needing to say or do much.

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  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2009
    Your best bet might be to just watch some TV? Lie to me* is based off of this fellow who sort of found the scientific way to read people.

    He also has written one or two books on the subject, I believe, as well as a formal course with a test.

    The important thing to note, however, is whether you are working off facial expressions or body language you can't actually tell what someone is thinking, you can only tell how they feel. The problem is, if they feel angry, for example, it may be for various different reasons. Reading facial expressions is a pretty exact science, Paul Ekman demonstrates that facial expressions are universal, involuntary, consistent across gender and age and non-culturally specific, so they are extremely accurate indicators. However, determining exactly why someone feels the way they do is far less precise and knowing precisely what they are thinking is basically impossible (unless you're actively manipulating them) beyond best-guessing.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • elkataselkatas Registered User regular
    edited December 2009

    I wouldn't recommend that. Yeah, it is damn solid book and a true classic, but it is somewhat outdated on some topics. My personal recommendations would be:

    How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
    Never Be Lied to Again: How to Get the Truth In 5 Minutes Or Less In Any Conversation Or Situation

    elkatas on
    Hypnotically inclined.
  • cliffskicliffski Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    You seriously want to look into Neural linguistic programming. It is the absolute key to exactly what you want. it lets you infer all kinds of stuff about how people feel and what they are thinking, and is totally awesome.
    Google it :D

    cliffski on
  • elkataselkatas Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    The important thing to note, however, is whether you are working off facial expressions or body language you can't actually tell what someone is thinking, you can only tell how they feel. The problem is, if they feel angry, for example, it may be for various different reasons.

    That's quite true. My mentor put it this way... "Their body language is statement about their mood, not about you."
    cliffski wrote: »
    You seriously want to look into Neural linguistic programming. It is the absolute key to exactly what you want. it lets you infer all kinds of stuff about how people feel and what they are thinking, and is totally awesome.
    Google it :D

    NLP is indeed fine tool, but I think TwoQuestions would currently benefit more from learning the basics.

    elkatas on
    Hypnotically inclined.
  • Sharp10rSharp10r Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Don't forget Kevin Mitnick's Social Engineering book The Art of Deception! I learned a lot about not being exploited through communication from that book!

    Sharp10r on
  • Rubix42Rubix42 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Your best bet might be to just watch some TV? Lie to me* is based off of this fellow who sort of found the scientific way to read people.

    I am not sure how detailed you wanted to get into it, but what you need to do is notice the muscle movements of the shoulders, neck, face, etc. Combine those with pitch and intonation in voice as well as eye movement and the occasional body language and BAM you can read people at a moments notice without needing to say or do much.

    Yes yes yes. Paul Ekman has the science and has proven it.

    You might want to think on your motivations for things like this though. I have gone through multiple various trainings in regards to influencing people and finding their true motivation. I did sales for a long time. Most of the time, I find I am happier when I ignore that and just take people at their word. Everyone in your life will lie to you at some point or another. Normally for a very small reason. To protect you from something they think will hurt you, to make you feel better or to make themselves feel better. Digging that stuff up isn't all that much fun. It's nice for business when you're bucking for a promotion, but it's even more important to be awesome at your job than it is to influence or read the boss.

    Rubix42 on
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  • DistramDistram __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2009
    Beta test. Ask people questions. Questions you to which their answers you can predict. Watch them as they deliver their responses. Take account of how long they hesitate before they speak, in what direction they are looking, how are they standing, what are they doing with their hands, their feet, are they blinking a lot, looking upwards looking for an answer to come to them. By already knowing how they'll respond you can measure the way they act when they give an accurate and truthful answer (what kind of food they like), and compare it to when they may want to give an more ambiguous one (political affiliation, opinion on religion, opinion of the president, opinion on a certain political issue). Be sure to state your opinion first, be sure your opinion diametrically opposes whatever you predict theirs to be - people tend to skew their statements on controversial issues to the stance taken by whomever they are speaking to, so as not to offend.

    This scenario should give you a better idea of how people act when they're telling the truth as opposed to when they are bullshitting you.

    Or I could just be bullshitting you.

    Or bullshitting myself.

    Distram on
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Its a ridiculously small subset up improvised theatre, but interactive theatre is geared towards work with non-performers. Thus, a lot of the training is in how to read people, what they want, how they'll react before they do, etc.
    Seriously though, this is a barely treaded field but there are pioneers in it.

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
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