Am I being a dick?
hiimanalt
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Note: Obviously, this is an alt.
So, my friend has been dating this girl for like 3 months or so. First she dated his brother, now she's dating him and there is resentment towards his brother from her (and I think, since they've been dating, from him as well but I can't confirm it). He doesn't have much experience dating girls and he really likes her. We all work together at a restaurant.
About 3 weeks ago there was this party at one of our coworkers houses, neither I or my friend went, but she did. She ended up sleeping with the host of the party. This guy also really likes her, to the point that there is tension between him and my friend and my friend has told him not to call her anymore. There's no sex (shes a saving herself for marriage type of person) but there is a lot of alcohol involved. I'm conflicted and I want to tell him what happened, but I give her a chance to do it. She does, apologetically, and he accepts it and moves on.
Now, one week ago... party at the same place. I go this time, but end up getting pretty wasted and pass out. The next day I hear that she's gotten drunk again and made out with two different guys that we work with. Again, I give her the chance to come clean... she doesn't.
So, I tell him myself what happened. He is really upset this time, texts her about it. I told him that shit like this happens, there's plenty of girls out there for him etc etc. I also tell him that if he gets back together with her after this, I wouldn't respect that decision at all... that he needs to move on and find someone who likes him as much as he likes her and wouldn't pull this shit on him. He agrees. We end up staying up til like 6:30 am talking about this, it was pretty emotional.
Last night we hang out and he starts talking about her, telling me that not only are they still together and they're going to work through it because they've "been through so much already", but now they're official. At first I was like "Alright, that's cool buddy, I'm happy for you" .. but ever since the FIRST situation I had felt like she was going to be bad news for him... and whenever I supported him in this relationship I felt like I was doing so emptily.. and for the wrong reasons.
So I tell him that I can't advise him on the situation anymore, he knows where I stand. He continues to talk about it and I tell him that I want to talk about something else. We hung out the rest of the night without talking about her.
Part of me feels like I'm abandoning my friend who admittedly is not experienced with relationships and was kind of a dick about it. At this point I feel like she could murder his dog and he'd still worship the ground she walks on. He changed his entire personality over the course of several months to be the person that she wanted to date. I don't care who you are... when you have someone treating you the way my friend treats her you do NOT pull that shit on him.
Another part of me feels like I did all I could and it's not my relationship and it's not my life, so I need to stay out of it and let the situation play itself out.
I dunno, I feel like this friend of mine has kinda been looking to me for advice and honestly I don't know what I can do with this situation. So now, I look to you all for advice.
TL;DR - My inexperienced friend is in a relationship where the girl has been promiscuous with other people and he's letting her do it while still worshiping the ground she walks on. After giving him advice and having a very emotional heart to heart with him, I'm pretty much done with it. Am I in the wrong here? Because I feel guilty.
So, my friend has been dating this girl for like 3 months or so. First she dated his brother, now she's dating him and there is resentment towards his brother from her (and I think, since they've been dating, from him as well but I can't confirm it). He doesn't have much experience dating girls and he really likes her. We all work together at a restaurant.
About 3 weeks ago there was this party at one of our coworkers houses, neither I or my friend went, but she did. She ended up sleeping with the host of the party. This guy also really likes her, to the point that there is tension between him and my friend and my friend has told him not to call her anymore. There's no sex (shes a saving herself for marriage type of person) but there is a lot of alcohol involved. I'm conflicted and I want to tell him what happened, but I give her a chance to do it. She does, apologetically, and he accepts it and moves on.
Now, one week ago... party at the same place. I go this time, but end up getting pretty wasted and pass out. The next day I hear that she's gotten drunk again and made out with two different guys that we work with. Again, I give her the chance to come clean... she doesn't.
So, I tell him myself what happened. He is really upset this time, texts her about it. I told him that shit like this happens, there's plenty of girls out there for him etc etc. I also tell him that if he gets back together with her after this, I wouldn't respect that decision at all... that he needs to move on and find someone who likes him as much as he likes her and wouldn't pull this shit on him. He agrees. We end up staying up til like 6:30 am talking about this, it was pretty emotional.
Last night we hang out and he starts talking about her, telling me that not only are they still together and they're going to work through it because they've "been through so much already", but now they're official. At first I was like "Alright, that's cool buddy, I'm happy for you" .. but ever since the FIRST situation I had felt like she was going to be bad news for him... and whenever I supported him in this relationship I felt like I was doing so emptily.. and for the wrong reasons.
So I tell him that I can't advise him on the situation anymore, he knows where I stand. He continues to talk about it and I tell him that I want to talk about something else. We hung out the rest of the night without talking about her.
Part of me feels like I'm abandoning my friend who admittedly is not experienced with relationships and was kind of a dick about it. At this point I feel like she could murder his dog and he'd still worship the ground she walks on. He changed his entire personality over the course of several months to be the person that she wanted to date. I don't care who you are... when you have someone treating you the way my friend treats her you do NOT pull that shit on him.
Another part of me feels like I did all I could and it's not my relationship and it's not my life, so I need to stay out of it and let the situation play itself out.
I dunno, I feel like this friend of mine has kinda been looking to me for advice and honestly I don't know what I can do with this situation. So now, I look to you all for advice.
TL;DR - My inexperienced friend is in a relationship where the girl has been promiscuous with other people and he's letting her do it while still worshiping the ground she walks on. After giving him advice and having a very emotional heart to heart with him, I'm pretty much done with it. Am I in the wrong here? Because I feel guilty.
hiimanalt on
0
Posts
Right now, my one my room mates is dating a girl who will drink herself into a shit storm, break our stuff, and run around the house like a wild person swearing and generally being as pissed off as a human can get.
He gets upset when she does it, but he'll literally beg her to give him a reason to forgive it all and keep dating her.
If you tell your buddy how you feel, and just make sure you declare how you're going to react if it comes back and directly impacts your life, that's all you can do, and all you should do.
And leave it at that. You've done all a friend can and should do, now stand back and get ready to go over with a bottle of JD in a month after it finally blows up for good.
Your opinion of this girl, and your friend's relationship with her, seems to be perfectly reasonable. But sometimes people won't listen to reason, especially if a girl is involved. Every once in a while, you have to let people make their own mistakes.
I would set a bottle of your favorite booze aside, though. You're probably going to need it sooner or later.
But: if you've made clear how you feel, there's nothing more to be done. If he asks you again, tell him as politely as possible you've made clear what you think and then tell him you're not going to tell him what to do with his life. If he keeps acting the fool, that's his prerogative and he'll likely learn from it eventually.
My good friend and college roommate did a similar thing, and like your friend it was mostly because of his inexperience with having a steady girlfriend. But you just can't talk sense to someone who thinks they're in love, all you can do is wait for the inevitable fallout and try to help the poor bastard out. And he is going to get burned on this deal, no doubt about it.
That being said, I would stay out of their relationship in the future. Hang out with him, and help him drink through it when it inevitably blows up on him. Understand that we all do stupid shit over relationships, that seems really obvious looking back.
I disagree. If you know someone cheated on your best friend I would say this is the best way to handle it.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I didn't issue any ultimatums to her, I didn't talk to her about it. I gave her a chance... as in time. Since we all work together at a restaurant and this all happened at parties that were pretty much exclusive to people that work where we work... I figured it was a matter of time before he found out, so it would best come from either herself or me.
Not saying that's the case, but it's really easy to sell this - to everyone, including yourself - as "I'm just trying to help my friend!" So it's a good idea to sit down and think about the possibility.
This is probably the least helpful post in this thread.
Or in any thread.
to the OP: I was in exactly the same situation as you, and I kept getting involved over and over, and eventually it ruined the friendship between my friend and I because he was constantly defending her as I was warning him. In the end I wished I had just said my piece and left it at that.
Did you listen to what this girl has done? If its true, his response was totally rational.
I doubt you're out of the woods yet. When your buddy turns on you , know that its his problem and try to keep handling it maturely.
Umm, what?
I had a friend who was in the exact same situation as the OP - or at least giving me the same information.
I'm just saying that sometimes people's emotions can cloud their judgment. You don't have to find this helpful. Maybe the OP will.
Yeah, this was my confusion as well. You're using entirely incompatible language to describe these events. Unless you're talking about a nap, "sleep with" usually means sex. If they didn't have sex, just messed around... well, it doesn't necessarily lessen the fact that she cheated, but there's a really big distinction here for many people. For your friend, he might not see this for the big deal that it probably really kind of is if there's no actual intercourse -- or if he did, he may be into her enough to have talked himself out of it.
As far as what you did... it's what you could. If you can't hear about it from him, maybe keep some distance for a little while, but if you want to remain his friend you're going to hear about this as surely as it will rain. If you can let him vent while still remaining completely impassive... well, you should probably apply for sainthood. But if you want to be able to be there for him when this all falls apart, you're probably going to need to do your best to endure for now.
And when it does all come crashing down (and it will, make no mistake, and probably over and over again), your most important job aside from providing the booze will be avoiding those four oh-so-satisfying words, "I told you so."