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sexual confusion

jcullpepjcullpep Registered User new member
edited March 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
I had a long-ass thing written out but it got killed when I hit the back button accidentally. This is an alt. I'll try and keep this short and simple. Thanks in advance for words of wisdom.

I have Gynecomastia, a condition in men (not caused by being overweight) that makes the chest look big. I'm also an androgynous looking fellow and I have been mistaken for a woman on a few occasions.

I grew up getting stick for looking feminine in high-school. I got "FAG" spray painted on my locker and was generally ostracized in school. Strangely enough I also got many female admirers in school, so despite my androgynous looks I've often been told I was a really good looking guy. I've always been shy and couldn't cope with the attention I'd got. I dropped out of high-school in the 10th grade.

Ever since I've been operating under a lot of anxiety. I know I like women, but here's the topper; I'm pretty sure I'm bi-sexual. So I have fantasies about men sometimes, but I also know I want a wife and kids. I feel torn, and just plain strange. So strange that I fear what I want will never happen. I get depressed sometimes, and generally do poorly at coping with social life in general.

I've had one relationship, with a girl, that lasted three years, we were co-dependent pretty much from the get go. Never should've lasted more than a couple months. Right now I don't know If I could be capable of getting into another one.

I find myself doing a lot of: "I'm straight! I'm Normal" "No I'm fucking gay and I look like a girl!" "I don't know who or what I am, and fuck everything." It's pretty much a merry-go-round, I feel a little bi-polar, maybe a little borderline?

Any and all words of advice are appreciated.

jcullpep on

Posts

  • admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    It sounds like you really need counseling. You seem to be looking for someone to put a label on your sexuality as if it's a magic button that will help you figure it all out, but I would guess your sexuality issues are just a result of your general anxiety/depression/self-esteem issues.

    You need more help than a series of forum posts can give you.

    admanb on
  • TrillianTrillian Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    How old are you?
    A lot of life's problems can be better managed by chilling out, accepting who you are, and realizing that you are fucking rad because of it. Does it matter to you, or to the people who love you, whether you're straight? bi? gay? totally sexually indiscriminate? No? Then relax, bro. There is more to life than who you choose to sleep with. Haters gonna hate, but you sound like you're a popular dude no matter what the haters say. Honestly, they're probably jealous of all the chicks digging ya.

    You do still need to address why you're anxious and find ways to deal with the world and all the haters, who be hatin' as haters do, but there are totally ways to cope, so don't lose hope!

    Trillian on

    They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
  • PaladinPaladin Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    If you're actually bisexual, and you admit you're bisexual, you're statistically very healthy, sexually. Studies have shown that bisexuality is a lot more common than previously thought.

    Paladin on
    Marty: The future, it's where you're going?
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  • RaneadosRaneados police apologist you shouldn't have been there, obviouslyRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    i don't know if anyone's told you but there's nothing wrong with being gay/straight/bisexual

    Raneados on
  • Dulcius_ex_asperisDulcius_ex_asperis Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    I would look into counseling, because it will help you come to terms with your thought processes and your sexuality. Not because there's anything wrong with bisexuality, because there isn't, but because it sounds like you just need to accept that about yourself. Moreso, though, for the depression issue -- and especially if you actually are borderline bipolar, which counseling may help you determine.

    Dulcius_ex_asperis on
  • MittenMitten Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Your appearance and your sexuality don't define you as a person. Even then, most gay guys are normative and macho as hell, and being bisexual obviously doesn't preclude you from being a family guy if that's what you want out of life. And, if it isn't, as other people have said, being androgynous and queer is perfectly valid regardless.

    I agree that the real problem is depression and anxiety, and that looking into counseling would be a good place to start.

    Mitten on
  • NATIKNATIK DenmarkRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Only addition I have to the above, which are all good posts of advice, is that in regards to the sexuality issue, speaking as a bisexual who had (and still sometimes have) a bunch of confusion and emotional problems about it. My advice is to try and realise that it's a fluid thing and that it's rare to be either perfectly balanced in attraction or having 100% only attraction to the same/opposite sex and it isn't required for anything.
    Don't try too hard to fit yourself into your perception of the straight/bi/gay labels and even if you know you are neither gay nor straight you don't have to label yourself as bi, lots of people who find themselves outside the traditional binary view of sexuality choose completely different labels or none at all depending on what feels right for them.
    Most importantly though, none of the labels have requirements beyond what you self-identify as, no one will check your membership card or kick you out for thinking or doing the wrong thing and no one can.
    What you choose to identify as currently isn't going to be set in stone either, you are free to later discover that you identify more with another group.

    What label, if any, fits for you only one person in the whole world can answer though, everyone else can only make poorly informed guesses.

    NATIK on
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  • RaneadosRaneados police apologist you shouldn't have been there, obviouslyRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    yeah if you're worried about liking dudes but being more preferrable towards women, stop

    very few people are 100% straight or 100% gay, it's a ridiculous notion

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

    everybody likes their own gender to some degree, EVERYONE, I don't care if you bang 50 chicks a day and your name is Straight McWomanLadyFucker

    millions of people have been bisexual to a degree and have started families and led amazingly happy and full lives, your sexuality does not define you, nor does it decide how you live your life.

    Go out

    find someone you love, whatever their gender, and love them

    Raneados on
  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Start doing one or two sessions of strength exercises daily, or at least run 20 minutes a day, eat healthy, find a girl, start a normal life cycle.

    Fantasma on
    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Some tidbits . . .

    Good news, your look is currently in. Especially if you fall into the emo-toothpick category of androgynous males. Chicks just seem to be into this right now - which is why you probably have more admirers than you know.

    In either case, your problem isnt one of sexuality, its one of socialization. You've been told you're a freak, and what's worse - you believe them.

    This has come to define you, and its not a very happy place to exist.
    Look at your own words: "I am normal" "I Look like a girl" "I dont know what I am"
    Couple this with a co-dependant relationship - what you crave is to not feel like a freak anymore, and no one is going to be able to do that for you. You have to do that for you. When it comes to being a freak, the only one that matters is you dude . . you believe you are a freak and therefore are.
    Don't want to be anymore? Then stop believing you are.

    Counseling is available, you'll have lots of conversations just like this one. I'd highly recommend that you find someone to talk to that you like. Do not go to just one and accept what they say blindly. You are just as likely to find a Dr. who is nice as one who thinks that homosexuality is an abomination.

    WildEEP on
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    You can be bisexual and still have kids. I don't see how these are mutually exclusive. When I'm in relationships I still see people I find attractive and would like to have sex with, but I don't.

    You can also get your breasts removed. If I recall its the only way for men to get rid of them, exercise won't even do it given the condition.

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Increasing testosterone levels (by means of strength exercise) could improve the condition. Of course, a fastest way is though medical treatment, surgery is even faster, but the problem could come back if the underline condition is not treated.

    Fantasma on
    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • jcullpepjcullpep Registered User new member
    edited March 2010
    I appreciate everyone's words. Thanks for Kinsey info, I'd forgotten about that, also apprecaite exercise/treatment advice. Most of all thanks for the reminder that I've started to believe the bullshit, lost my grip on reality a little, so a very much welcome alternate set of perspectives. I think a little bit of counseling will do me well, so I'm going to pursue that.

    Thanks again.

    jcullpep on
  • NATIKNATIK DenmarkRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    I am personally not a big fan of the Kinsey scale, in part because it only labels the perfectly balanced option as "bisexual" and the fact I feel it's a bit too simplistic.

    I found the Klein grid a bit more helpful, especially the expanded versions.

    NATIK on
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  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Yeah, the Klein grid is the new standard but some of the questions are kind of nonsensical.

    Fuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud on
  • Chaotic DescentChaotic Descent Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    WildEEP wrote: »
    This has come to define you, and its not a very happy place to exist.
    Look at your own words: "I am normal" "I Look like a girl" "I dont know what I am"
    Couple this with a co-dependant relationship - what you crave is to not feel like a freak anymore, and no one is going to be able to do that for you. You have to do that for you. When it comes to being a freak, the only one that matters is you dude . . you believe you are a freak and therefore are.
    Don't want to be anymore? Then stop believing you are.
    I don't subscribe to the pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap prescription, unless the seeds required for the entire logical journey have already been planted. (and who can really predict that with accuracy?)
    The goal (or at least one goal) is self-esteem. It's identified. There are methods to obtain it, as well as avoiding negative effects working against self-esteem. Positive self-talk is just one thing, and not a sure-fire cure.
    Fantasma wrote: »
    Increasing testosterone levels (by means of strength exercise) could improve the condition. Of course, a fastest way is though medical treatment, surgery is even faster, but the problem could come back if the underline condition is not treated.
    ... "improving" assuming he wants to butch up.
    I don't really know if having self-esteem means you don't try to change anything about yourself, or if everyone's capable of being totally self-confident to the point where they can reliably say that no issues effect their decisions to change their appearance. but... it's better to get missing self-esteem than go about trying to "fix" all these things that will never address the underlying issue.

    Chaotic Descent on
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    NATIK wrote: »
    I am personally not a big fan of the Kinsey scale, in part because it only labels the perfectly balanced option as "bisexual" and the fact I feel it's a bit too simplistic.

    I found the Klein grid a bit more helpful, especially the expanded versions.

    Perhaps, but why is it so important to label yourself?
    They are useful tools for people looking for statistics, but really does it matter to you what number you are?

    neville on
    nevillexmassig1.png
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    You're not anything. You were just a human male in high school who's dealing with the same shit everyone else does. It's worse for you, because you were an easy target. Kids are cruel and tend to look for weakness in others to hide it in themselves.

    The nice part about all of this is of course, you're not in high school anymore, and you get to decide. Whether you're gay, bisexual or straight... it's your call. Whatever you decide, exercise would be a good outlet. It'll improve your moods that's for sure, and give you confidence in whatever you choose.

    Seeing a therapist isn't a bad idea, in fact it may be your best option as a way to find someone who will help you sort through all the mess of feelings, but the physical part is in your court.

    A good friend of mine had the same condition. He put up with the same mess in school, dropped out in the tenth grade and moped around a while. He ended out finding something he's interested in, and went for it. He now happens to be an army ranger and loves his job.

    So it really is up to you. The grown up world is much less concerned with the things than the high schoolers were.

    dispatch.o on
  • NATIKNATIK DenmarkRegistered User regular
    edited March 2010
    neville wrote: »
    NATIK wrote: »
    I am personally not a big fan of the Kinsey scale, in part because it only labels the perfectly balanced option as "bisexual" and the fact I feel it's a bit too simplistic.

    I found the Klein grid a bit more helpful, especially the expanded versions.

    Perhaps, but why is it so important to label yourself?
    They are useful tools for people looking for statistics, but really does it matter to you what number you are?

    Logically it doesn't matter, but still when I saw that list of labels while trying to figure this stuff out myself it just made me struggle with the semantics of labels rather than make any progress.

    If you read my previous post what I tried to say in it was labels are not important and you can choose to call yourself whatever you like, all that is important is that it feels right to you. Which is why I like the Klein grid, it does not give you a label depending on what you answer or where you fall, it just marks you on a grid, there is no judgement of "this is what you are" which is what I felt from the Kinsey scale.

    Really my comment on it was entirely about how I felt when I read about the Kinsey scale, I have no idea about it's value as a statistical tool, only that as something I came across while searching for information and help with handling the issue it didn't help me.

    NATIK on
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  • KiTAKiTA Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Is this when someone mentions Transgenderism to him and really causes his head to spin? Or is that later in the thread, I can never remember.

    KiTA on
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    NATIK wrote: »
    neville wrote: »
    NATIK wrote: »
    I am personally not a big fan of the Kinsey scale, in part because it only labels the perfectly balanced option as "bisexual" and the fact I feel it's a bit too simplistic.

    I found the Klein grid a bit more helpful, especially the expanded versions.

    Perhaps, but why is it so important to label yourself?
    They are useful tools for people looking for statistics, but really does it matter to you what number you are?

    Logically it doesn't matter, but still when I saw that list of labels while trying to figure this stuff out myself it just made me struggle with the semantics of labels rather than make any progress.

    If you read my previous post what I tried to say in it was labels are not important and you can choose to call yourself whatever you like, all that is important is that it feels right to you. Which is why I like the Klein grid, it does not give you a label depending on what you answer or where you fall, it just marks you on a grid, there is no judgement of "this is what you are" which is what I felt from the Kinsey scale.

    Really my comment on it was entirely about how I felt when I read about the Kinsey scale, I have no idea about it's value as a statistical tool, only that as something I came across while searching for information and help with handling the issue it didn't help me.

    Oh I wasn't try to criticize you, sorry if it came across as that.

    I'm gay and when I was coming to terms with it, I went through the "I think I am bisexual..." phase too.
    Not that it is always a phase, but I understand that.
    But ultimately some people try to fight things so hard, when it ultimately doesn't matter.
    Just find people who make you happy and vice versa.
    If they are the same gender as you or different, it shouldn't matter

    neville on
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