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Girlfriend lied to me (kind of), need some advice about orgasms
InTheAeroplaneOverTheSea
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hey so I my girlfriend of almost nine months just told me that for that past nine months she's been faking her orgasm when we have sex/oral/anything of that nature.
We talked about it and she explained that she felt like she was weird or that she didn't want me to think she was weird for being unable to orgasm. She said that it wasn't just me but she has never been able to orgasm and that it bothers her a lot. She said that when we first started dating she didn't think we were going to be together as long as we are and that she could just fake it and when we broke up it would be no big deal and she wouldn't have to tell me. Apparently as this went on she felt even worse about deceiving me and that if she admitted it I would think she was weird for hiding something like this.
I told her that I felt betrayed that she flat out lied to me for such a long time about something this intimate and that I felt bad that she didn't feel like she could trust me. I assured her that this didn't change my opinion about her in any way and that I completely understood and was glad that she told me about it.
She told me that she still enjoyed our sexual activity a lot but that when she masturbated or I went down on her or anything she would feel it building up almost to the point of orgasm but it just wouldn't happen and it would become unbearable and she would have to stop/make me stop (by faking an orgasm) because she felt super sensitive (a tickling sensation?).
I feel bad that this bothers her so much and would love to be able to help her orgasm, or help her feel more comfortable with her inability to. Although I must admit I would prefer the former. Any help would be appreciated.
Also this may be relevant?
tl;dr
My girlfriend has been faking an orgasm for nine months and admitted it to me. We talked about it and I want to help her have an orgasm.
This is full of horrendous run on sentences and I am truly sorry.
We talked about it and she explained that she felt like she was weird or that she didn't want me to think she was weird for being unable to orgasm. She said that it wasn't just me but she has never been able to orgasm and that it bothers her a lot. She said that when we first started dating she didn't think we were going to be together as long as we are and that she could just fake it and when we broke up it would be no big deal and she wouldn't have to tell me. Apparently as this went on she felt even worse about deceiving me and that if she admitted it I would think she was weird for hiding something like this.
I told her that I felt betrayed that she flat out lied to me for such a long time about something this intimate and that I felt bad that she didn't feel like she could trust me. I assured her that this didn't change my opinion about her in any way and that I completely understood and was glad that she told me about it.
She told me that she still enjoyed our sexual activity a lot but that when she masturbated or I went down on her or anything she would feel it building up almost to the point of orgasm but it just wouldn't happen and it would become unbearable and she would have to stop/make me stop (by faking an orgasm) because she felt super sensitive (a tickling sensation?).
I feel bad that this bothers her so much and would love to be able to help her orgasm, or help her feel more comfortable with her inability to. Although I must admit I would prefer the former. Any help would be appreciated.
Also this may be relevant?
This conversation led to a talk about how she likes me a lot but is scared of investing in our relationship because of fear of getting hurt. I assured her that I was plenty invested in her and that I wasn't going to wake up one day and not like her or break up with her out of no where.
tl;dr
My girlfriend has been faking an orgasm for nine months and admitted it to me. We talked about it and I want to help her have an orgasm.
This is full of horrendous run on sentences and I am truly sorry.
InTheAeroplaneOverTheSea on
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So, the very, very, very zen answer is that the key to her achieving orgasm is for her to stop wanting to achieve orgasm. Similarly, her knowing that you want her to will increase the pressure and stress on her, so the key to you helping her achieve orgasm is for you to stop wanting her to achieve orgasm.
Does that make sense?
musanman- Young. Under 21.
There's no magic button. Or rather there is, but it's not magic. :P
Here's my suggestion: whenever you're doing something that's making her feel that building up, do it for a little bit and then stop. Don't let her reach that point of discomfort; let her get used to the building up feeling, but not the discomfort feeling. Keep doing that, going a little bit longer and a little bit farther each time, but never letting it go too far. Obviously this relies on her communicating with you during sexy times, which is also really important right now, because it'll build trust and intimacy that may have been damaged.
Keep that up and I bet she'll get there eventually.
This sounds familiar.
I used to believe I couldn't orgasm, because there would be a delicious build-up and then suddenly this unbearable, overly sensitive sensation that would make me have to stop. Turns out, that's the orgasm.
I recommend focusing on the build-up, and not worrying about the orgasm. Instead of faking enjoyment when she's experiencing discomfort, she should just enjoy the parts that give her pleasure. Admanb's advice is right on the mark (so to speak) -- just stop when she's getting close to coming. Let her recover, then gently resume the good stuff. Repeat. Hopefully, she'll find that after a while of approaching the build-up as enjoyable in itself, rather than as a means of reaching the holy O, her "orgasms" will become more enjoyable.
I would say, however, that you shouldn't stop or change what you're doing until she tells you to. There's not a lot more frustrating than feeling like you're getting there and then he fucking stops, or changes things up, or whatever. This is entirely based on my experience and may not apply to her because girls' vaginas are unique snowflakes.
With Anorgasmia in mind, it's worth considering she may be simply unable to reach an orgasm, for some physical reason. If that's the case, it would only reinforce great advice that's already been given here. Try not to put so much emphasis on the orgasm itself, but rather the whole experience of sex. If there is an orgasm as a result, all the better, but it shouldn't be the goal. If you concentrate on it too much, it would only make it harder.
With time it should become easier. As you both get older, and have a longer and more stable relationship, it should reduce some stress both within the relationship and within sex. She'll also become more familiar with her body, what she likes etc. I wouldn't worry too much, this is a very common situation for a lot of young couples.
When a girl orgasms her vagina pulsates the same as the penis pulsates when it comes. It pretty easy to feel and hard not to notice.
Maybe they can only lie to guys that have no idea or have never given an orgasm before?
A girlfriend of mine was scared that she was going to pee so she'd want to stop. I just told her many times that its normal, she won't actually pee and she went ahead and came from then on.
While I understand that she may be having troubles with sexual intimacy and expressing her feelings about that, that's a pretty big deal.
How long have you two been having sex? I'm not particularly worried about the sex advice part because you've already gotten some great advice on that front. My problem is that she seems perfectly okay with lying to you for months at a time. And this is about lack of being able to orgasm...what if it was something much worse? Would she tell you?
I'm not screaming for you to break up with her, but you need to have a talk with her about just how screwed up this is. Also, faking orgasms is terrible for a relationship. If you're not doing something right and she fakes an orgasm and you believe her, she just reinforced that wrong sexual behavior in your mind, making you more likely to do that wrong thing in the future. It's not helpful, and it's deceitful to boot.
Once again, I'm not calling for you to break up with her...I just think you guys really need to talk about just how important communication is in a relationship.
Yeah, buddy, that pulsation can be faked too. Hate to break it to you.
Yes, but he can't sweep it under the rug either and pretend this was cool. Because it's not. She feels self conscious about this yes, but how do you think he feels?
Just because she is feeling self conscious about her sex life doesn't mean he can't be feeling betrayed by her actions. I'd be willing to bet he is feeling self conscious about sex now because every time he thought he was getting his girlfriend off, she was deceiving him.
Let me first say that I agree that lying about not having an orgasm is messed up but when I was her age I did the same thing. Reading the OP's description, her experience sounds pretty much exactly like mine. I started having sex when I was 18, didn't have an orgasm (by myself or with a parter) until I was probably almost 20. I didn't tell the guy I was dating and while I didn't out and out say that I was having amazing orgasms or anything I never denied it when he assumed I was. It just seemed like an awkward discussion and I was enjoying myself anyway, just not as much as he thought I was. I finally told him the truth when he accidentally gave me my first orgasm. I'm sure it doesn't often happen that way, but I had decided that I would just take the pleasure I was able to get and not worry about whether or not I came. That really seemed to do the trick.
What he is doing may not be "wrong sexual behavior" at all. She is still saying that she enjoys the sexual things they are doing, she just isn't having orgasms. In fact, it's possible that he's doing very right sexual things but neither of them are well attuned enough to her body to know where the line between "enough" and "too much" falls. At that age, I have to say that seems pretty normal and common. I still will sometimes have the problem he's describing, where intense goodness turns to oversensitivity and pain. At that point the best thing to do seems to be to shift attention to the rest of the body, maybe just kiss for a while or turn attention to him until she's ready to be touched again, then be very gentle because it seems (at least in my case) to be easier to return to that state of overstimulation if it's already happened recently.
But yes, now that the lines of communication are open, keep them open. Keep talking, keep exploring, keep listening. Lots of good advice around these parts, just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
1) The woman faking orgasms.
2) The man feeling he needs to give his woman an orgasm.
She needs to stop faking and you need to stop trying to get there. If she still enjoys the sex then leave it at that, don't get dissapointed because she can't get off. If she's going to get off she'll do it eventually but you have to accept that she just might not be able to.
Calm down and don't make an issue of it. Most women don't have orgasms until well into their 20s.
No, feeling betrayed is fucking exactly how you should feel and tell her you feel. When she finally pulls her head out of her ass and realizes that she wants to get off instead of doing what's expected of her, he's going to find his technique terribly lacking and he'll have a lot of bad habits to break. This whole experience is like telling your blind friend he's right on target when he's actually pissing in the hall closet: He's going to be angry when he finds out that you betrayed his trust and you've got a mess to clean up.
She lied to him initially out of not wanting to hurt his feelings, which I think is just fine; it's not like she was thinking "hahah, I'll totally get this guy: I'll let him think he's making me orgasm when he really isn't! That will show him!" And then, later, she'd already told the lie, so she didn't want to tell him she'd been lying the whole time.
Seriously, it's great that she finally told you. It was probably really hard for her to do, and I think shows a lot of trust in you. On the level of lies, this one definitely falls under "white lies," and feeling betrayed because of it is kinda dumb (though I realize emotions aren't always rational).
I dunno man, I think this goes a bit beyond a 'white lie'. Yes it's great that she finally told him, but she lied to him for 9 months. Sex, and giving pleasure to your partner is REALLY important for some people (it is for me), and finding out that your partner has been lying to you for the entirety of your relationship about something you feel is really important can be devastating.
So no, not quite so ridiculous. I'd feel pretty Goddamn bad if my boyfriend lied to me about something like this, and it would definitely warrant a talk.
Anyway OP, communication is key in any relationship, so sit down with her and have a calm talk about this issue. Also if she is physically incapable of achieving orgasm, it's not your, or anyone else's fault. While orgasms are hella fun, sex can also be incredibly satisfying and fun with out them. Some women just aren't able to have orgasms. If that's the case, don't beat yourself up about it.
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Yes, it's sort of a bad thing that she wasn't entirely forthcoming with the truth, but at that age it's very very very common for 1) ladies not to be entirely sure if they're coming or not, and 2) completely incapable of having a serious conversation about sex. So the fact that she was able to be honest after being completely uncomfortable with this aspect of her sexuality is actually a good thing.
My only other suggestion is that if she doesn't already own one, perhaps consider shopping for a vibrator together. Obviously it would be for her personal use (at least at first), but it'll show that you're honestly interested in her pleasure and it may help her become more in tune with her own body's responses.
Then, to top it off, she's never had an orgasm before so this clearly wasn't a blow to 'HaHa, you can't make me orgasm, your sex sucks'. It's just, she can't yet, that's all.
"I was suspicious about your large purchase of Elmer's Glue and always wanting to have sex with the lights off, under the covers. You seriously put glue on my vulva? Fucking asshole..."
But in all seriousness, I think people should be forbidden from (and/or infracted for) suggesting Anorgasmia whenever a girl is thought to have trouble with orgasm. The percentage of girls with this dysfunction is so TINY, and typically accompanies shit like Genital Mutilation, MS, or some kind of severe trauma.
Lots of women in their 40s and 50s have their first orgasm by undergoing sexual therapy, having thought themselves incapable of orgasm. It sucks, but many women need to learn to orgasm.
The reality is, The OPs GF is young and needs to learn her own body a lot better before expecting someone else to pleasure her. The more and earlier a girl masturbates, the more readily a partner can please them. She needs to find out what "does it" for her so she can teach you. You're more likely to hurt her or make her sore by just poking around or doing things blindly.
Her orgasm is her responsibility - If she's having fun without it, you can't demand she has one. If she'd like to have one, she needs to put in the work to get it.
I expected the next step, now that I wasn't self conscious and because we both KNEW what did it for me, that obviously he would be able to get me off. Honestly? Not once in those SEVEN years could he do it, everything he did was amazing but simply, I had to be the one who pressed the button.
So, even if she does learn to orgasm and IS comfortable with you, don't be surprised if only she can do the magic. It shouldn't even be an issue, outside of the fact that yes, there is clearly a comfort and trust barrier going on right now with you two.
She isn't broken, and if you ever hint at thinking she is somehow not performing as expected, if you make it known you feel BAD that you can't get her off, or she can't get herself off, I can assure you that guilt will keep her from EVER getting there.
The worse sex I had was during the times I thought I SHOULD be able to orgasm and "oh my god he is going to feel so bad if I don't because he is trying so hard and why can't I just get to that point already??"
Don't do that to her, please.
This is pretty good advice to keep in mind. You're obviously in a shitty position, so feeling terrible after her confession / revelation is to be expected, but don't take it out on her. Blame in this situation is irrelevant, you won't make any progress or feel any better if its "her fault" that she didn't tell you. Sex is complicated and she's obviously feeling pressured by many of the same expectations you are, so try to empathize.
Be open with your communication from here on out, thank her for being honest with you (better to know the truth than not, even if it took a while to get there), and do your best to make your sexual encounters pretty relaxing from here on out.
Keep the above in mind: If she's worried and nervous and freaking out, its hard to really enjoy sex, orgasm or no. It will probably take some time and practice for the two of you to reach a good comfort and communication level, so try to make things as stress-free until then. Set things to practice mode--let her tell you what to do or not to do, but don't pressure her into giving directions or "being satisfied," just keep the atmosphere relaxed, take any advice or directions you get.
A sexual encounter where one of you doesn't orgasm isn't a failure, its just a practice round--doesn't count, go for a do-over when both sides have recovered.
I would write off most outside advice about your "technique," everyone enjoys different things at a different pace so any guy who is trying to sell you on his Secret Sultry Twisting Penis Technique Version 2.4 is full of shit. Most young guys have a tendancy to go at things (and by "things" I mean "vaginas") too quickly and too aggressively, so you're probably safe to slow things down and go softer / slower.
There are a wide variety of causes for anorgasmia, from physical trauma to drug use (legal or otherwise) to depression, and it is so expected that one be able to orgasm if they're having a good time that it can be a very difficult thing to talk about if you're in the position of being unable or unused to it. Your comment that mentioning it should be an actionable offense is insensitive and out of line.
I would bet if you asked her this is something she has maybe told a very best female friend and maybe told no one ever before you. This isn't something that she was comfortable sharing. She wasn't lying to you to be mean or hurt your feelings, she just wasn't comfortable with the truth.
In terms of the orgasm question, sex can still be a lot of fun without them. She's still young and likely will have them at some point in the future. The best thing you can do to 'encourage' her to have orgasms is to forget about them and focus on whether or not she is having fun right now.
What? "In all seriousness" you think people should be infracted for informing about Anorgasmia, a condition which only means, when discussing the difficulty of women achieving orgasm? You do understand it has many causes right? Physical, psychological, medicinal? Did you read the UCSB study/site I link? Do you consider 5-15% of women too small to be worth mentioning? You don't see the potential harm in ignoring the possible inability of orgasm could create for the relationship?
People should be infracted for suggesting what the condition is by definition? Really?
OP: There's been plenty of great advice already. Don't place too much worry on it. If it will happen, it will happen in time. Best not to stress it too much or it will only be worse.
Got a source for that number? And don't say Wikipedia because I just checked the article and it provides no sources for those numbers.
edit: Endaro your UCSB 'study' mentions one quote from a 20 year old paper that they don't even cite correctly, so no, I don't consider that a valid reference. And it was 5-10% that was claimed, FYI.
Hell, I've faked it before, and I'm a dude. Sometimes you just can't get off no matter how much you want to. So you do the next best thing and do your best to make your partner happy and sexually fulfilled. Chalk it up to nerves or exhaustion or the cycles of the moon, whatever and move on.
I in no way blame her and I've assured her that I completely understand why she did what she did and do not think any less of her for it. I mean lying was bad, and it made me feel bad and her feel bad, but I don't think pointing fingers is going to help. Also, I feel like by coming forward about it she cleared up any mistrust I might feel. We did have a lengthy talk about it and it led to a larger discussion about trust, as I mentioned in the main post, which I think cleared up a lot for both of us.
Kistra it's funny that you say that because she told me that she hasn't told anyone about this except for her best friend. This is something she's obviously insecure about and I'm trying not to do anything to deepen that insecurity. And I do appreciate that she does trust me enough to share something like this.
Today we messed around and there was a lot more communication going on. I think previously I was going too hard or too fast and she would get sore and just fake it to end it. Today we took things much slower and when she said she was getting sore I tried to do something different and be more gentle, it lasted far longer than any of the previous times I have pleasured her. We kind of ran out of time so there wasn't really a conclusion in the form of an orgasm or her wanting me to stop.
I would think that the answer is to just take it slower and be more gentle and see if that works even if it takes a while (and it might, I'll see when we have more time) but then wouldn't she be able to do it when she masturbated? It's not like she would go too hard or fast and then just give up like when we do stuff together. Maybe she does? I'm not sure.
Also, in response to people saying that we shouldn't place importance on her orgasming, I agree and I'm not the one placing the importance on it. I suppose I am but it's because it's something that bothers her, not because I feel like I need to make her orgasm. It's something she really wants to do and what am I supposed to do, tell her that she doesn't?
Once again thanks for all the great advice.
Also keep in mind that not everyone is going to have an orgasm every time. That's completely normal, so don't focus on sex having one result: orgasm. That's way to much pressure and the enjoyment of the act can suffer.
If she doesn't know what gets her off, how can you?
Well ignoring the fact the UCSB site has one claiming 5-10% and another claiming 15% (explaining where the numbers came from), how about mayo clinic?
Anorgasmia is actually a very common occurrence, affecting at least 1 in 5 women worldwide. Or are we putting it in sarcastic quotes as 'mayoclinic'? Maybe if you want to debate the existence of a medical condition, make a D&D thread about it? Doesn't really seem the focus of this thread.
Why are vaginas so controversial?
Less theory, more exploration, I say.
I put study in quote because your study consists of a website with a collection of misc crap tossed together and improperly referenced.
And no, sorry, Mayo doesnt get a free ride either. They aren't citing their shit properly either and I'm not pulling up 8 different references to read through to find out where they got that number from to verify how accurate it is.
I never denied the existence of any medical condition, kindly keep your words in your mouth.