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I cant have sex; FFFFFFFFFF [Advice Please]
CantGetItUp
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I'm a guy 22 and I can't have sex. Basically its hard for me to to keep it hard when the moment of truth comes.
I mean I can get hard, especially when the girl is giving me a blowjob or a handjob but when she pops in the condom and we get ready to have intercourse, I just get soft and its kinda depressing me now.
I mean this just happened with the 3rd girl I've tried to have sex with. We were in the mood, I was hard, she put the condom on and I went soft as soon as she was getting on top. She's really cool about it and I think she really digs me because after an hour or so of trying she had to go home because she was running late but she basically told me she wants to try every chance we get to do it. Meaning tomorrow morning she wants to come over and try again.
I'm not sure if its just my mind playing tricks on me and I just sort of can't keep it up at all or I don't know. Or if I should just relax more and try nto to think about it. Basically what she told me to try.
But I can't not think about it, I mean I hit the gym, I lost the weight, I got the job(s), a car, my own place, friends, social life, I even took interpersonal classes just so I could learn to converse better. A couple of years of hard work in order to pursue my one goal of finally! getting a girlfriend and in turn being able to finally lose my virginity.
I mean this girl is rad as hell, this girl is a girl that a couple of years back I would of been too big of a coward to even be in her vicinity and she actually thinks I'm pretty rad. I mean we're not even in a relationship yet (officially), this happened on basically our third date.
I'm worried that if I can't get it up when the time comes she'll just basically go find someone that can.
The other two attempts were basically one-night stands that didn't happen.
So any advice? Anything I could really do? I mean I can get hard, just I can't stay hard.
Should I see a doctor about this? I mean could I have Erectile Dysfunction at my age?
I mean I can get hard, especially when the girl is giving me a blowjob or a handjob but when she pops in the condom and we get ready to have intercourse, I just get soft and its kinda depressing me now.
I mean this just happened with the 3rd girl I've tried to have sex with. We were in the mood, I was hard, she put the condom on and I went soft as soon as she was getting on top. She's really cool about it and I think she really digs me because after an hour or so of trying she had to go home because she was running late but she basically told me she wants to try every chance we get to do it. Meaning tomorrow morning she wants to come over and try again.
I'm not sure if its just my mind playing tricks on me and I just sort of can't keep it up at all or I don't know. Or if I should just relax more and try nto to think about it. Basically what she told me to try.
But I can't not think about it, I mean I hit the gym, I lost the weight, I got the job(s), a car, my own place, friends, social life, I even took interpersonal classes just so I could learn to converse better. A couple of years of hard work in order to pursue my one goal of finally! getting a girlfriend and in turn being able to finally lose my virginity.
I mean this girl is rad as hell, this girl is a girl that a couple of years back I would of been too big of a coward to even be in her vicinity and she actually thinks I'm pretty rad. I mean we're not even in a relationship yet (officially), this happened on basically our third date.
I'm worried that if I can't get it up when the time comes she'll just basically go find someone that can.
The other two attempts were basically one-night stands that didn't happen.
So any advice? Anything I could really do? I mean I can get hard, just I can't stay hard.
Should I see a doctor about this? I mean could I have Erectile Dysfunction at my age?
CantGetItUp on
0
Posts
don't be stupid
no such thing
you are having anxiety problems
let the sex develop from mucking around, making out and grinding, etc, then get the condom on, keep going for a while and then try putting it in, just transition
Yeah I actually tried this because I had an inkling something might happen with the girl soon-ish. This was something the second girl that was a one-night stand sort of thing told me as well. She said I might just not be used to wearing one.
I should probably just try to get used to just wearing one.
No never, besides the other times I've tried having sex. But for handjobs and blowjobs I didn't wear one. Now I know thats a pretty stupid thing to do but I've been tested since and I'm clean. I haven't had the opportunity to wear one until now.
We basically got to my place undressed and tried to just do it.
I'll admit there was no real foreplay involved.
Yeah I am being stupid, she mentioned something similar in kinder words. She's also more experienced then me so I think that played into it. Maybe.
I think the fact we just jumped into it was kinda bad also I became a major silly goose around her and became that awkward 14 year zit faced high schooler.
Concentrating on her is something I'll definitely do tomorrow.
Thanks for all the posts! I really appreciated it.
Limed for what I think is relevant. It sounds like you're experiencing performance anxiety. Nerves will kill your ability to keep an erection almost as well as being doused with ice water...but only if you let them. She's probably right when she says you should relax, and the fact that she wants to come back over and try again is a sign that she either likes a challenge or just plain likes you.
Keep in mind the saying of some author I'm probably misquoting terribly: if you have sex and you do it right then it is a game where everyone is the winner.
This, right here, I think is the core of your problem. If this girl is as cool as you say, she's not going to care if Mr. Winky isn't working on command every time. By and large girls understand that these things happen and, though it's not fun for anyone, it's not the end of the world. Especially because there are many, many things that don't require a hard dick and wet pussy doing Slot A and Tab B.
Talk to her, let her know your concerns, work out some alternatives. Chances are real good she's got a vibe somewhere and would be real happy if you took control of that once in a while. And, as others have said, getting her hot and bothered is a good way to get your dick ready for action.
If this continues, it could be a sign of a medical issue, but that's REALLY unlikely at your age. Much more likely that you're freaked out because your with a hot chick who really likes you (congratulations, by the way) and you don't want to blow it.
I'm going to take a guess here, and I'm going to guess you've watched porn. I mean, you're 22 in the age of the Internet, and I mean no offense. If so, lay off for now. Porn's great for many things, but it tends to bring anxiety as well because you're never going to operate like they do.
Also, remember earlier when I said talk to her? Yeah, I meant that. Specifically, try to find an opportunity to talk to her when you're not all naked and flustered. Cook her a nice dinner, put on some candles and relaxing music, and talk about it then. If my experience is any like yours, in 20 minutes the food will be cold and you'll be screwing her brains out.
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1) You mentioned girl on top, this is not a good starting position. It has come up a good few times in here, for some reason lots of guys try it on their first time. Start with missionary. If you like, once you get going you will be able to rotate into her being on top. Girl on top is good, however, if you have problems with premature ejaculation, which is the opposite of your issue.
2) You need to try wanking with a condom on. If the first time you try a condom is the first time you're trying to have sex then it's unlikely to work. Wearing a condom is pretty much a mood killer and you need to learn to get over this.
Don't start worrying that you need a doctor yet, this is all pretty standard unsuccessful first time at sex stuff. Most of us have been somewhere similar.
Cowgirl is an awesome position, but doing it while wearing a condom always ends up in a lost erection for me.
Proper sized condoms are key for a lot of reasons. Give magnums a shot.
There was a slight change of plans and I'm just going to her place in a few hours to see her. I feel more relaxed now, yesterday I had just gotten off a long shift when we met up so not sure if tiredness played a part in it too. She also didn't have a lot of time so that might of been it as well. Well she had enough time that she thought it would take I should say.
To address some of the new posts,
I don't think its the condom itself? Well I mean the sensation is pretty different than without one but its probably just a getting used to, not sure of the type of condom itself matters. Probably does since there's so many different ones, I just bought different condoms and she bought different ones too, and well we tried a variety of them haha. I didn't really ask which ones we tried. I guess it won't hurt to go buy more.
I wasn't aware different positions could have different effects, which I guess could make sense since all my attempts at having sex have been with girl on top. I haven't really tried or better yet have had the chance to try something different.
And yeah I watch a lot of porn, it didn't really cross my mind if I could perform like those guys until you mentioned it just now! Thanks a lot jerk! Nah joking aside that never really crossed my mind before, I've always assumed that for the most part porn != real life.
I'll talk to her about it today, I sort of did talk to her about it last night in passing, she was running late but I told her I was pretty nervous about it all and told me not to trip.
Thanks for all the advice.
It's not the type of condom, it's the size. Wearing one too small can have a lot of negative effects, like restricting blood flow. Trying a "bunch" most likely means you tried a few different types of the same size, like if you bought a sampler. Finding one that fits correctly is a different matter. Magnums are great and easy to find, give that a shot.
but they're listening to every word I say
The way I eventually got around it was a long discussion with my partner (a long-term girlfriend) that resulted in other methods of birth control. Not using a condom got me over that hump, and I'm not sure anything else would have. It's not really an approach I'd recommend in general though, due to potential STD/pregnancy issues.
Yeah you described what happens to me.
No condom isn't an option though; this girl is cool but not that cool to go bareback if she suggested it. At least without some sort of proof she won't give me an STD/STI and she's on birth control. I wouldn't want my first "real" experience to be marred with something like that. Plus I'm new to this so I'm not sure how to bring up if she is infected with something.
I'll keep this in mind if it continues, but we're meeting at her house were it'll be more comfortable as she said. Its probably good to realize I'm not the first nor will be the last guy to have these type of problems.
Thanks for all the advice++.
Give it a shot. Worse case scenario you know you're carrying magnums in your wallet. No better confidence booster than that
Or uh...or you could get an alkaseltzer packet, rip it open, distract her for a second, then go to work?
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Also, you could try focusing on her first, if you're anxious.*
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But, seriously, slap her ass. If she's giving you sex, you need to take it!
Listen to what these other guys have been saying. Don't listen to Slider unless your partner seems really into it, which you can test by starting off playfully to gauge her reaction, but focus less on being a guy from bangbus and more on enjoying yourself and helping her enjoy herself.
Ignoring the somewhat silly dirty talk, butt-slaps do tend to go over well.
That's what I meant. I just used laymens terms.
Also, foreplay foreplay FOREPLAY. I can't say it enough. Yes, sometimes it's fun to cut to the chase and screw, but foreplay is HELLA fun and enjoyable for both parties. It's also a GREAT way to learn, especially if you're brand new at sex. Hell, if you can't get it up, go down on her and relax. Relaxing is key here.
Just relax and take it easy and it'll come (pun totally intended).
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and now, on topic; everyone has really good advice in this thread. i can't emphasise foreplay enough.
FOREPLAY.
Maybe I'm a lot of things these days!
==
I didn't get the chance to go buy different condoms so yeah.
Anyways we fooled around a lot more and I was able to keep it hard long enough for the condom to get on. So we started fucking for a bit but it didn't really feel right so I got soft pretty quick. We just talked before I left for work and agreed to meet up tonight. So when we tried again tonight I just couldn't get it up at all. I told her I was going to buy different condoms and she agreed, we'll be seeing each other sometime this week.
I kinda just want to hang out though, like eat or something. I feel like when we meet up now its just going to be us trying to get me hard enough for sex. If I was a bit more paranoid it would appear like she just wanted another notch on her belt.
And yeah I talked to a co-worker that used to be a pharmacy tech, he told me about the dependency on Viagra that can be created. More of psychological than physiological. He told me I might have a problem, I might not have anything. Then he told me to go down on her more.
Thanks for all the advice though! Butt-slaps are something I'll bring up next time.
If she wanted another notch she would have found someone else after the first time.
So dont go thinking things like that.
Start spanking that raincoat wearing monkey!
And I would also like to chime in with foreplay, foreplay FOREPLAY!
Its fun!
BTW are you putting the condom on the right way? Pull the foreskin back behind your head and roll it on.
If you start talking too much about stuff it doesn't make it fun and adventuresome anymore. You're entering into new, unchartered territory and it sounds like you want to read the instruction booklet.
It needs to be exciting and unhindered, not a science experiment. There are no...er...very few rules. Just do it and learn along the way.
Try getting better condoms, try whacking off with it on, and try not worrying.
Take her out to eat, and after the meal, walk around outside.. find a quiet spot..press her against a building..make out hardcore..make it exciting for both of you!! Stumble home, get wild, and give it a shot a few times in between the fun. You know, work her up, try to get inside, if it doesn't work start up more fun and shrug it off.
Pressure is the worse thing, I hate when I cant go and the other person makes a big deal out of it. Makes it IMPOSSIBLE. Just have fun!!
Nerves are the boner killer.
I think women understand this.
It seems like the opposite problem, but I can relate to EVERYTHING you've written here.
Unfortunately I have no advice, but you ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
Maybe think about sexy robots then? Also, sex doesn't have to be the most serious business. I find laughing and teasing a little to help immensely.
I did some more thinking and how I got over it was get all sexy with the makeouts and everything then just watch a really funny show or movie with your partner. Naked. You won't finish whatever you're watching and you'll loosen up.