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I took the road I've traveled before (Updated girl thread)
Help Alt
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I'm posting as an alt because there are people who know I post here who just shouldn't see this.
This is going to be a long one.
I've been in two serious relationships, and I think the latest one is about to end. I need help knowing that I'm right in having these feelings, and getting over the fact that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up hurting this girl... very badly.
Last September I started talking to a girl on OkCupid. We talked on the phone until all hours of the night. She seemed intelligent and nice. She seemed to have goals, even though she had a few roadblocks in the way towards getting those goals. She also told me she was a virgin, had no car or driver's license, and lived with her parents. And, well, it was fun. She was 20, I 25. Sometime in October we met.
And, well, low and behold, she was shy, barely would say a word to me for the first part of the date. We took a walk, with me doing most of the talking, just trying to get her to laugh. At some point she asked what we should do next, and I said we could walk some more... or... and then kissed her. A smooth move on my part.
Anyways, we really hit it off after that. I was so happy for a while. She was happy for a while. But then some things reared their head that made me doubt the whole situation. For one, she seemed overly apathetic. She has all these things she wants to do; lose weight, get her license, find a job, move out of her parents house... but she has throughout our whole relationship blamed others for her inability to do any of these things. Secondly, I started doing really poorly in school. Fear of failing out poorly. Also, she just didn't share the same tastes in movies, TV, anything really.
These problems really played up my anxiety. I correlated the time I was spending with her (almost constant) with my problems with school. It got to the point that once the quarter at school ended, I tried to end things. I did the whole “sit her down and hit here with everything at once” things. And while doing it, I realized I didn't talk to her about a lot of the problems I was having... decided to give things another go. So we made up.
And once again, things were back to wonderful. I loved her, she loved me. We were having a grand old time together. She started opening up to the things I was interested in. I started telling her what stuff was making me unhappy. But, once again, I started having doubts. I was taking more classes, having a harder time adjusting my schedule around her, and was very oh so very close to failing all of my classes. Plus, it started to become very apparent that she just isn't all that mature. Not in the snobbish “I don't drink or have fun ever” maturity way, but in the “I don't take any part of my life very seriously” way. Once again, my anxiety got the better of me... and I tried to end things 3 months after the original breakup.
It lasted all of a day. My biggest problem with doing it was, well, the fact that no matter how unhappy I was, I just couldn't deal with hurting her. Also, she wouldn't leave me alone. She wouldn't stop texting me, no matter how much I told her it was over, she just wouldn't believe me.
And I once again made up a boogyman to explain why I did it. At the time I didn't think that was what I was doing, but looking at it now, it was. I explained to her that the stress of school and everything was a big part of the breakup, but once faced with a life without her, I just couldn't deal with it. To some extent that was true, but now I'm starting to have my doubts.
It's been seven weeks since then. And up until the last couple of weeks I thought everything was going to end up working out. We had a few hickups (I'm just not as physically attracted to her anymore, partially because of her weight, and partially because of how she handles sex, which is anything but steamy or fun). She asked me about that, why we stopped having sex constantly, and I told her.
And while I felt like an asshole for doing so, I thought it was a step in the right direction. Being honest about the things I don't like about her seems to be a good idea at this point in the relationship. Just as I want her to be honest with me. She took it ok... well, as ok as I could have expected her to.
But once again I'm having real doubts. Like, I'm thinking about ending things again doubts. Her maturity towards her problems, her parents, her whole life just baffles me. And, well, I've started being a dick about it. I've been supporting her in her exploits for months. Encouraging her. Listening to the same complaints over and over again about her parents, her friends, and everything. And this last week things kinda hit a head.
I realized something... throughout this whole relationship she hasn't made any movement in her life. She's regressed some on some of her goals, actually. She hasn't found a job. She's no closer to getting her license than she was when met. She seems to focus more on the bad parts of her life instead of the possibility that lay beyond this point. She, well, she seems depressed. And this week I decided to talk to her about that.
Tuesday she came over, wouldn't smile, wouldn't say a word to anyone while we were out at a friend's place. When we came home, she wouldn't talk to me. Or smile. I tried to find out what was wrong. But she wouldn't talk about anything. She went in my room and just laid there, not wanting to go to sleep, or watch tv, or do anything. So I dug out an old book I have (that someone here suggest to me, by the way). Told her that I think she's depressed. And that I don't know how to deal with it anymore. That I've known for a while, but it seems to be getting worse, not better. To which she got very defensive (not that I hold it against her, but she gets defensive even when I tell her to not leave trash laying around, or put bloody tampon containing panties in my laundry hamper). Denying it, just saying she was having an off day.
And, well, that kinda set the tone for her whole time up here. We'd seem to be doing fine, then I'd either try talking to her about something, she'd shy away, and then later apologize for whatever it was she was doing (which, by the way, wasn't what I was after). She also has been telling me I talk down to her when we talk about her problems. Anytime we argue she asks if whatever small thing we're talking about is going to make me break up with her (that's completely deserved and expected on my part... and god does it make me feel like shit). At one point, she told me that she sometimes think I'd be better off without her. And, well, I told her that there's been times in the last 7 months where I've felt the same way, and that sometimes I think she'd be better off without me.
That's the truth by the way. I keep fearing that I'm turning into an emotionally abusive boyfriend. That by the back and forth I've had with her, I've given her a complex about us. That I'm doing more harm than good for her.
And that I'm doing more harm than good for myself by being in this still. That I should cut both our losses and just end it. Even though when things are good, they're really good, this back and forth just can't be normal. The high amount of resentment (which is a financial thing. I do most if not all the cooking, pay for things when we go out, have to pick her up and take her home most of the time, ext) that I feel towards her sometimes just can't be good. The fact that a small argument can and usually does turn into a talk about our entire relationship can't be the way this is suppose to be. I have feelings for her, but I don't know why. She's not my type. She doesn't share the same interests. She isn't even at the same point in her life that I am. She's a good and kind person, but that's not enough to keep me in this. I say I love her, and I do. But I'm so frustrated with all of our problems, both hers she has on her own, mine that I have on my own, and the ones we have in this relationship, I don't think love is really enough anymore. I shouldn't have to be afraid of turning into something I hope like hell I'm not.
So, well, what the hell do I do? I've tried twice to end this... and I'm just not strong enough to face it. I don't want to destroy this girl. I don't know if I can deal with how I'll feel afterwards (last time I obviously wasn't). I don't know how to do this. I know I have to, but if I don't do it soon, I'll just convince myself that something else might work to make us work.
I've been in one relationship where I relied on the other person so damned much that it made me feel small and insignificant. And then this relationship, where I'm the one doing that to her. Isn't a relationship suppose to be two people in general feeling like equals, not one obviously dependent? Is that the whole damned problem here?
And most importantly, am I making a mountain over a molehill? Am I just letting my anxiety get the better of me? I know that can't be answered by this forum... but that's what I need to know.
This is going to be a long one.
I've been in two serious relationships, and I think the latest one is about to end. I need help knowing that I'm right in having these feelings, and getting over the fact that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up hurting this girl... very badly.
Last September I started talking to a girl on OkCupid. We talked on the phone until all hours of the night. She seemed intelligent and nice. She seemed to have goals, even though she had a few roadblocks in the way towards getting those goals. She also told me she was a virgin, had no car or driver's license, and lived with her parents. And, well, it was fun. She was 20, I 25. Sometime in October we met.
And, well, low and behold, she was shy, barely would say a word to me for the first part of the date. We took a walk, with me doing most of the talking, just trying to get her to laugh. At some point she asked what we should do next, and I said we could walk some more... or... and then kissed her. A smooth move on my part.
Anyways, we really hit it off after that. I was so happy for a while. She was happy for a while. But then some things reared their head that made me doubt the whole situation. For one, she seemed overly apathetic. She has all these things she wants to do; lose weight, get her license, find a job, move out of her parents house... but she has throughout our whole relationship blamed others for her inability to do any of these things. Secondly, I started doing really poorly in school. Fear of failing out poorly. Also, she just didn't share the same tastes in movies, TV, anything really.
These problems really played up my anxiety. I correlated the time I was spending with her (almost constant) with my problems with school. It got to the point that once the quarter at school ended, I tried to end things. I did the whole “sit her down and hit here with everything at once” things. And while doing it, I realized I didn't talk to her about a lot of the problems I was having... decided to give things another go. So we made up.
And once again, things were back to wonderful. I loved her, she loved me. We were having a grand old time together. She started opening up to the things I was interested in. I started telling her what stuff was making me unhappy. But, once again, I started having doubts. I was taking more classes, having a harder time adjusting my schedule around her, and was very oh so very close to failing all of my classes. Plus, it started to become very apparent that she just isn't all that mature. Not in the snobbish “I don't drink or have fun ever” maturity way, but in the “I don't take any part of my life very seriously” way. Once again, my anxiety got the better of me... and I tried to end things 3 months after the original breakup.
It lasted all of a day. My biggest problem with doing it was, well, the fact that no matter how unhappy I was, I just couldn't deal with hurting her. Also, she wouldn't leave me alone. She wouldn't stop texting me, no matter how much I told her it was over, she just wouldn't believe me.
And I once again made up a boogyman to explain why I did it. At the time I didn't think that was what I was doing, but looking at it now, it was. I explained to her that the stress of school and everything was a big part of the breakup, but once faced with a life without her, I just couldn't deal with it. To some extent that was true, but now I'm starting to have my doubts.
It's been seven weeks since then. And up until the last couple of weeks I thought everything was going to end up working out. We had a few hickups (I'm just not as physically attracted to her anymore, partially because of her weight, and partially because of how she handles sex, which is anything but steamy or fun). She asked me about that, why we stopped having sex constantly, and I told her.
And while I felt like an asshole for doing so, I thought it was a step in the right direction. Being honest about the things I don't like about her seems to be a good idea at this point in the relationship. Just as I want her to be honest with me. She took it ok... well, as ok as I could have expected her to.
But once again I'm having real doubts. Like, I'm thinking about ending things again doubts. Her maturity towards her problems, her parents, her whole life just baffles me. And, well, I've started being a dick about it. I've been supporting her in her exploits for months. Encouraging her. Listening to the same complaints over and over again about her parents, her friends, and everything. And this last week things kinda hit a head.
I realized something... throughout this whole relationship she hasn't made any movement in her life. She's regressed some on some of her goals, actually. She hasn't found a job. She's no closer to getting her license than she was when met. She seems to focus more on the bad parts of her life instead of the possibility that lay beyond this point. She, well, she seems depressed. And this week I decided to talk to her about that.
Tuesday she came over, wouldn't smile, wouldn't say a word to anyone while we were out at a friend's place. When we came home, she wouldn't talk to me. Or smile. I tried to find out what was wrong. But she wouldn't talk about anything. She went in my room and just laid there, not wanting to go to sleep, or watch tv, or do anything. So I dug out an old book I have (that someone here suggest to me, by the way). Told her that I think she's depressed. And that I don't know how to deal with it anymore. That I've known for a while, but it seems to be getting worse, not better. To which she got very defensive (not that I hold it against her, but she gets defensive even when I tell her to not leave trash laying around, or put bloody tampon containing panties in my laundry hamper). Denying it, just saying she was having an off day.
And, well, that kinda set the tone for her whole time up here. We'd seem to be doing fine, then I'd either try talking to her about something, she'd shy away, and then later apologize for whatever it was she was doing (which, by the way, wasn't what I was after). She also has been telling me I talk down to her when we talk about her problems. Anytime we argue she asks if whatever small thing we're talking about is going to make me break up with her (that's completely deserved and expected on my part... and god does it make me feel like shit). At one point, she told me that she sometimes think I'd be better off without her. And, well, I told her that there's been times in the last 7 months where I've felt the same way, and that sometimes I think she'd be better off without me.
That's the truth by the way. I keep fearing that I'm turning into an emotionally abusive boyfriend. That by the back and forth I've had with her, I've given her a complex about us. That I'm doing more harm than good for her.
And that I'm doing more harm than good for myself by being in this still. That I should cut both our losses and just end it. Even though when things are good, they're really good, this back and forth just can't be normal. The high amount of resentment (which is a financial thing. I do most if not all the cooking, pay for things when we go out, have to pick her up and take her home most of the time, ext) that I feel towards her sometimes just can't be good. The fact that a small argument can and usually does turn into a talk about our entire relationship can't be the way this is suppose to be. I have feelings for her, but I don't know why. She's not my type. She doesn't share the same interests. She isn't even at the same point in her life that I am. She's a good and kind person, but that's not enough to keep me in this. I say I love her, and I do. But I'm so frustrated with all of our problems, both hers she has on her own, mine that I have on my own, and the ones we have in this relationship, I don't think love is really enough anymore. I shouldn't have to be afraid of turning into something I hope like hell I'm not.
So, well, what the hell do I do? I've tried twice to end this... and I'm just not strong enough to face it. I don't want to destroy this girl. I don't know if I can deal with how I'll feel afterwards (last time I obviously wasn't). I don't know how to do this. I know I have to, but if I don't do it soon, I'll just convince myself that something else might work to make us work.
I've been in one relationship where I relied on the other person so damned much that it made me feel small and insignificant. And then this relationship, where I'm the one doing that to her. Isn't a relationship suppose to be two people in general feeling like equals, not one obviously dependent? Is that the whole damned problem here?
And most importantly, am I making a mountain over a molehill? Am I just letting my anxiety get the better of me? I know that can't be answered by this forum... but that's what I need to know.
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1) Grow the fuck up. You sat down with her twice and told her you wanted to break up, and then taken it back within a day. You don't get to complain about her messaging you after that saying she doesn't believe you're breaking up with her. You also don't get to complain about her being stressed about the relationship when you've broken up with her twice only to say lol j/k. Think how confused that would make you feel.
2) While I don't think you're abusive based on your telling of this story, who are you to tell this girl she doesn't have her life together? She's 5 years younger than you. Her priorities may be different. This is what she was like at the beginning of the relationship. Getting all stressed out because your master plan to fix her isn't working is not something to dump on her.
3) You obviously are not enjoying this relationship, so break it off. You don't need to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. It doesn't have to be that she's crazy or ruining your life. You're just not really compatible, which you knew long ago but chose to keep this strained relationship going anyway. If you break it off because of those reasons and stick to it then you can go your separate ways, probably fairly amicably.
3a) If you break it off again and then in a few days you can't handle it and go back, then you are an asshole who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.
Seriously, as long as she is with you she wont be finding someone else who is a better fit. That's life, it sucks sometimes but a quick stab that in a year she ignores or forgets about is better than giving another 4-6 years of her life up staying with you and both of you resenting it later.
Also, what the hell is with H&A and bloody tampons/pads being left around lately? This is like the third thread that's had that.
You've tried to break up with her twice, obviously you're not happy. Sure you don't want to hurt her, but look, you've ALREADY hurt her. She's all nervous that you're going to break up with her again over something small and insignificant, and if you keep this relationship going, she's ALWAYS going to be nervous about that....because you've broken up with her...twice! You've already told her that you're basically uninterested in sex with her because of her weight, and because she's boring in bed. That's a HUGE blow to the self esteem no matter how nicely you put it.
You're not helping her by staying with her. You're preventing her from meeting someone who will actually enjoy being with her, someone who enjoys her body shape, and boring sex. It may be fuck awesome to them.
Grow a pair and end it, but for good this time.
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I agree. I need to grow up. I need to make up my mind to and then end it.
It didn't start out this way. It didn't start out with me basically telling her flat out what she's doing wrong or right or anything. It just started out as being supportive, but after 7 months of every single problem she has being put off on her parents, I just can't stand it anymore. I do care about this girl, I want her to be able to get out of the situation she's in. But support both emotionally and financially isn't helping. I know where her priorities are. It's not like we're strangers. But when someone goes "I can't find a job because everywhere I get interviews at is too far away for my parents to drive me", and you respond with "well, did you apply to the places within walking distance? I know the McDonalds is hiring around where you live", "Ew, I don't want to work there. I'd feel horrible about myself". There's something wrong. Something being just supportive won't help.
I really and truly thought that circumstances were what was causing most of this. I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that I can care about and like someone, and not be compatible with them. That's part of the reason I had to make this thread. I had to see it all written out. All the bad things about the relationship. And yes, there are good things. Things I like. Things I'll miss if/when it ends. As opposed to what it sounds like, I haven't just been staying with her because I'm afraid to hurt her. Besides the last 2 weeks, things have been awesome. I can't even pinpoint what changed that made me start thinking like this again.
I haven't been doing poorly in school. We weren't fighting before this. We both thought things had finally stabilized, that we had found a balance that worked... that the relationship was being to grow. And then, over the last two weeks, I've just started resenting her. I think it started two weeks ago, actually...
I woke up in the morning, and started preparing things to make us some french toast and bacon. I wanted to do something nice before going to class. After she got up, I started cooking. I was cooking, and I asked her to butter the toast after I put it on the plates. She was using a fork to do so, so I told her "just set that aside, I'll use it to eat". After she was done, she put in the bowl I used to whip up eggs in in the sink. All I said was "Oh, I was going to use that to eat. I usually try not to use too many things while I'm cooking". She got defensive about that. I told her I wasn't mad or anything, I just try to minimize the mess.
So, well, I thought that was that. No harm, no foul. We sat down to eat, and the whole time she didn't say a word to me. She just kept texting her friend. Which really made me feel like shit. So I told her as much. That she hadn't said a word to me. She says she's just talking to her friend. I ask her what about, she tells me about me freaking out about the fork thing.
And I got kinda upset. Like, almost in tears upset. Instead of talking to me about something, she'd rather ignore me and talk to her friend. I woke up that morning with the idea of making us a good breakfast, of trying to do something nice. I always try to have something either fun or new for us to do when she comes over. Something I think we'll both enjoy. And me saying the smallest thing, something insignificant, ruined it. I basically told her that that really hurt my feelings that she took that so personally. She got upset, I got upset, and ever since then things have just been on a constant downhill path.
We're not talking like we used to, we're not joking around. It just seems like she comes over here to sit around, eat, and sleep. It doesn't feel like a relationship.
As far as the sex thing... this is why it's boring in bed... because instead of initiating things, of trying to get me in the mood, she flat out asks to make out. That's what I talked to her about. I told her she doesn't have to ask for anything. That if she's in the mood, just initiate it. That it kinda kills the mood for me if she asks that. And, after we talked about it, things have changed. The body weight was actually a health concern. All my extended family is obese, and I've seen what it does to people. And that kinda fucks with my head. Either way, after talking about those things, things got better. We started having sex more regular. I started feeling more attracted to her.
But anyways. Yes, I agree... I'm being an ass by staying with her up till now. I know that the blame is on me. If I was unhappy in january, in march, I should have stuck to my guns. Any complaints I have now wouldn't have been complaints if I would have ended it. I don't know why but I just have a hard time giving this up. I really have a hard time admitting I'm unhappy in this.
You have to break up with her. Your relationship blows and there's no excuse for this to continue. I've been on both sides of where you are and it SUCKS, and it will suck no matter what. You will both be MISERABLE for as long as you're going to be.
But at the end of it all, once you finally realize it's over and you don't have to go back to this hell, is a sunny day with birds singing that the weight of the world is just gone and you're free. Free to be yourself for a while, or meet someone new, or however you want to move on. Nothing in the world can replace that feeling.
She will probably be fine, even if it takes a while. Much like you, she has no one to blame for her life and her accomplishments or lack thereof except herself, and one day she'll get some therapy and face up to it.
That should tell you something. Like you don't want to be with her. Stop stringing her along and just do it.
You're agreeing you need to grow up. You agree you need to make up your mind to end it. But, you're obviously not doing that, because no one would respond in this manner if they were actually going to do it.
Your problem isn't worrying too much about hurting someone else. It's procrastination and fear of a change that might you feel bad. You're not doing this girl any favors by staying with her. You are becoming emotionally abusive by being passive to the point of negligence. Just get on with it, man.
Question - Are you in love with her? Not do you love her. If no, end it.
While I'm scared of hurting her, and it's a big part of why it hasn't ended, it's not the only reason I'm still with her. I do love her. I'm not in love with her. I was at points... but I'm not now. And there have been good times. Great times. Times where we're on the same page, and it's easy not to see all the real problems our relationship has. Every time I get to this point I just wish it could go back to that. Back to me being happy in the relationship.
I'm going to man up and talk to her this week when she comes over. Talk to her about how I feel about the whole thing, and that I think I'm bad for her, and that I don't feel the connection I used to. After that, I'm sure I'm going to have to use H/A to get through this. Last time I broke up with her at night, over the phone. I was in tears all the way up until the next night when we got back together. Like... the whole damned time. If I get like that again, I'm really going to need someone to remind me not to go back to her.
How about instead of starting a whole new thread, you just look through the MANY of threads that deal with "Oh noes, hows does I gets over this girl/guy?!?!".
Because most of those threads are by the guy/girl that got dumped, not the guy doing the dumping. Also, I don't need to start a whole new thread, I have this one I can post in.
There's no difference. They all deal with "How do I deal with being single?" and since you seem just as torn up as someone who was getting dumped, I don't see how the information wouldn't apply to you.
Here. I'll save you the trouble.
1. Delete them from Facebook.
2. Don't return calls or texts.
3. Hang out with your friends.
4. Time heals all wounds.
Ta-da.
I'm going to be hanging out with my brother tomorrow to get my mind off this girl that I like. It was agreed by her friends and me after a party last night that I should probably stay away for a few months if not longer while they try and help her pull her self together as she just got out of a really nasty breakup and I wanted to jump right into a relationship. Her friends don't want me to be her rebound because they actually want her to be in a real relationship with me and don't want to see me hurt. They also know that I care deeply for her and would never hurt her even though right now she would hurt me because she's really self destructive at the moment.
It was a painful decision on my part but one that I know is the right one. If we never get back to each other, well then that's that. You need to talk to other people and listen to them.
Seriously, if you care about this girl even the slightest bit, you need to end things. Dragging it out like this is unhealthy for the both of you, and is frankly cruel towards her.
I've been in two relationships including this one. The first one broke up with me... and I felt devastated... for quite a while. A year ago actually. And she cheated on me. A big blow, and I didn't want to ever put someone else through that. Ever. I didn't start dating until I was 24.... so, well, a little bit of immaturity and high school drama kinda comes with the territory with me. While I'm sure of where I'm going, and how to handle my life, I'm really inexperienced in relationships. This is the longest relationship I've been in.
I do find it interesting that you complain about his girl blaming everyone else for her problems, then go ahead and blame her for your poor school performance.
Re read what I said. I didn't blame her for my poor performance in school. I blamed myself. However, I did say that my poor performance in school was a time issue.
A lot of this boils down to this... I used to be in a deep depression, where I wouldn't do anything. I got kicked out of school because of this. I wasn't motivated, I had no ambition. And the more time I spend with her, the more I go back into my old ways. And this isn't anything she's doing. I have a choice here. And when I have a choice between going back to my old ways (which includes spending time with her instead of working on school work), or being responsible and saying no when I need the time, I choose the former. Because of the fact that it's comfortable. Familiar. Her issues play into mine in a way that scares me, and makes me think I should avoid people with depression.
Maybe I didn't make that clear in the OP. But, well, I have issues as well. However, I've taken steps to deal with them... and being around someone who has the same issues, but hasn't learned to deal with them makes it very easy for me to revert. It's like a reformed junkie hanging out with a current junkie. It just doesn't end well. But it's not the current junkie's fault. There is always a choice.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
That said, avoiding that feeling is not a reason to stay in a relationship. You should be in a relationship because you love the other person, not because you pity them. If you do stay in the relationship, the pressure to get out will build up until it explodes in a messy breakup, and that will hurt both of you more than the breakup now will.
1) It will hurt. A lot. You need to understand this, because it will lead you to do some pretty shitty things if you try and avoid it. It's always going to hurt.
2) Practice how you want to word it, because when things start getting a little emotional - you're going to be tempted to say something like "I need time" or "who knows what will happen in the future" etc. You need to say it nicely, but in a way that leaves no doubt that it's a breakup.
3) I mentioned it above, but it deserves its own point. DO NOT try and cushion the blow by pussyfooting around the words and saying something that doesn't sound permanent. People hold onto that shit - and it would be really unfair of you to do it.
4) Don't sit around and have a 4-5 hour crying/talking session after you do it. Don't be a dick and run away, but don't hang around and then act all surprised when the whole thing gets too much and you start flaking out.
Lastly: Have a plan for yourself. Get out and stop moping. Start a sport or pick up another hobby, plan things with your mates. The whole thing will suck - but it'll suck less if you have something to help take your mind off it - otherwise you'll just obsess over it.
There ya go. I think it's like $25 or something.
Totally. This should be a sticky at the top of this forum.
OP, it will hurt for a while, it will probably feel like you're doing the wrong thing for a while. It definitely sounds like ending the relationship will be the best thing for both of you.
I actually feel really sad for the girl. Let her go, she'll hurt for a while but you two aren't a good fit and in time, she'll see that.
Everything I saw was just doubt and self hate in her. We spent until today together... and I thought maybe our talk would help... but again, you guys were right. This is bad for her. I'm bad for her. Hell, I'm probably bad for me when it comes to this. So I ended it, and now I just have to move on.
Thanks for the advice. It really does suck knowing who I can be in a relationship. Well, who I can let myself be. I need to grow a pair and not be afraid to do what I need to do to be happy. Worrying about someone else's happiness while ignoring your own is just bad news. Really, I wish I could just go back and not ever take it back the first time. I really fucking hurt her by doing this. Hell, she told me while we were talking that if I did end up ending it she might move.
I hope someday we can be friends. I don't want to lose her out of my life completely. But I have to understand that if I do, it's my own fault.
It's important right now that you don't wallow in this. Make sure you go out together with friends, and just keep yourself busy for a few weeks. When I ended a 4.5 year relationship back when I was 20, I got a second job, and between the two jobs, school and friends, I just did not have time to regret my decision.
And while it's more than possible you two can become friends after this, it's important that you and she spend at least a few months apart, with no contact. Any time you two spend with each other in the near future will only prolong the healing process from this breakup.
Good luck.